Chapter 3
...
Pain. Sweat. Labored breathing. And crying. Screaming and weeping. And cold.
Cold, enough to condense the breath and to thicken the sweat on the skin.
She cries out and gasps at the pain suddenly radiating from her body. Her vision is blurred and she feels like falling down in the darkness... like precipitating into the void...
And she suddenly wakes up.
Trinity gasps and inhales sharply, her eyes snapping open in the darkness of the room. She abruptly sits up in an attempt to breathe. She feels like her heart has skipped beats and is now pumping furiously in her chest.
"Trinity"
She hears Neo's voice and feels his hand on her forearm but doesn't answer.
The pain radiating from her body feels still so real that she can't control her breathing. She feels like air can't reach her lungs properly.
"I'm fine" she whispers, closing her eyes in an attempt to calm down "It's just a dream"
Neo's eyes linger on the sheen of sweat glistening Trinity's forehead and his hand finds hers.
"Wanna talk about it?"
She can still hear the crying of a child. A clear sound filling her mind despite her blurred vision. It's so real... the sensations are real.
She shakes her head but smirks at the use of her own words by Neo's lips, remembering exactly the night in which she had said those same words to him, so many years earlier.
"It's just a dream. I'm fine" she says again in a reassuring tone.
He knows there's something she's afraid of and something she's incapable to say... exactly like he did. His arm wrap her shoulders as she lays down again near him.
She rests her head on Neo's chest as his hand finds the still very short hair on her nape. She relaxes in his soft and comforting caress, regulating her breathing with his heart beating.
.
The morning after... she's gone.
"Yeah, role reversed" Neo says to himself in the silence of the room, turning the head toward the empty side of the bed, which uses to be Trinity's side.
For months, years earlier, he'd been the one awakening in the middle of the night haunted by upsetting dreams. He would pay to know what is in her mind right now. Probably memories from the Matrix... her family... her children. Even her husband maybe. Neo feels his heart aching at that thought but he cannot blame her. He knows she's chosen him after all.
Neo gets up, knowing exactly where to find her at that time, in that very early time in the morning which is still late night.
He takes a peek at her through the half open door of the gym room. She's sweated and focused on every movement of her body. Her muscles, now more toned, allow her to keep yoga postures for several minutes. But she always tries to push her limits. He can see her muscles beginning to shake but she doesn't let go. Then, all of a sudden she lets herself fall on the floor with a thud. Belly-up, lying down on her back, her chest raising and falling heavily after the effort.
"I can hear you breathing. It's distracting" Trinity says, not moving an inch, with a smirk he can see just partially... but he can feel it.
"And you call that concentration?" Neo teases as she chuckles.
Yeah. Score for him.
Trinity pushes herself up in a sitting position and turns to him, then taking the hand he stretches out for helping her to stand up. Not that she needs it honestly, but, sometimes, she likes being so cherished.
He moves nearer to her as soon as she is on her feet and wraps an arm around her, putting his palm between her shoulder blades and pulling her even more close to kiss her. She smiles on his lips.
"Your fault. You're too distracting to me" She says on his lips as he smirks and nods, finding her lips again.
Given the time there are a few options for them. Going back to training, going back to bed (to sleep or maybe not...), having a shower, having breakfast...
She goes for the shower. Not alone though.
.
He wraps her in the towel and hugs her one more time.
"Who say we're aged? We never had sex in the shower on the Neb" Neo smirks on Trinity's lips as her blue eyes meets his and one of the corners of her lips curls up in turn. She nods and puts her palm on his chest as his hands rub the towel on her back again, both to dry and warm her up.
"That's because on the Neb we had five minute of warm water, then it turned so cold it could freeze your balls"
They both smile at that memory and he kisses her forehead.
"But I remember a few quickies against a sink, like that one" he says as she turns following his gaze.
How can she forget?
Her eyes lingers on the sink and on the mirror above it. She clearly remembers it.
The passion growing and Neo taking her from behind. Their eyes meeting in the mirror reflection as extreme pleasure distorts both their features... and their eyes staring at each other for a few seconds in the aftermath.
Trinity looks away and shakes her head, running her hand through her still too short hair.
"but I remember a completely different image in there" she sighs at the wrinkles around her eyes and at the new line of her jaw. Not to mention her breast. Now she surely knows that she hates gravity force.
Neo hugs her from behind, pulling her to himself till her back touches his chest. A cherish and careful hug, not a sensual one this time, despite the thrill the memory has sent down till his balls.
"I never heard vanity from your mouth, Lieutenant." He teases while Trinity's image glares at him from the mirror glass.
"It's not vanity, it's a statement of facts"
"The statement of facts is that you were a stunning girl who grew up in a stunning woman. Everything else is bullshit, Trin. Or you need an eye test"
Trinity stares at him from the mirror again. Neo's piercing dark eyes are fixed on hers.
Trinity... she had always been a synonymous of confidence. Insecurity doesn't fit her.
It's obvious that she's aged... they're humans after all... but she's still a very beautiful woman. Where does that feeling come from? He cannot believe that Chad had her for twenty years without repeating her, every single day, how much beautiful and incredible she is. How could he be near her and not wanting to fuck her half the time?
Trinity smirks at Neo's half adoring and half lascivious look and turns in his arms meeting his eyes and not just the mirrored imagine of them.
And their lips meet in a soft kiss again.
"C'mon, let's have breakfast."
The kitchen is empty. All the members of the crew are still peacefully asleep in their rooms.
"The usual?" He asks with a smirk, filling two cups with hot water and adding a spoonful of dried chicory in both of them. It is not coffee but it's the most similar thing they have now.
She watches the dark liquid in the cup wrapping both hands around it while Neo puts in front of her a bowl of what looks like oatmeal. From its looking it is not very different from the flavorless slop she was used on the Neb, but it is at least tastier. It reminds her of the aromatized protein powder she used to put in Chad's pancakes every morning before he left for the gym. He just used to say 'bye, babe' and got his bag, not kissing her before leaving... not that she missed his kisses actually.
Trinity closes her eyes at that thought. She hates how her mind continues to go back to memories from her so-called life in the Matrix. They're so vivid that it's like having lived a double life. And she knows that, as far as she knows that nothing in there was real, she even knows it's not so easy to go over that. It isn't something she can just erase from her brain. That's why it's so difficult to free an adult mind. It's too tied to old experiences, it doesn't matter if they're not real. The mind is so drugged by the neural interactions of the Matrix that it fights against the attempt to refuse them. And awareness is not enough.
"May I ask you something?"
Trinity looks up at Neo, stopping the flowing of her own thoughts.
"Sure" She nods taking another sip of her hot drink.
"Your husband..."
Trinity flinches at that word from Neo's lips, inhaling deeply and doing her best for holding back a glare.
But she can't help another unpleasant image from forming in her mind.
... Chad's groan as he comes into her... it's like she's watching herself from outside... her body is there but her mind is somehow disconnected...
"I have no husband" Trinity inhales deeply again and turns instead that sort of glare in a smirk "Unless you're thinking about proposing, darling" she teases and Neo nods smiling back at her.
"Yeah, fair enough" He reaches out for her hand on the table and covers it with his "Tiffany's husband. Chad." He corrects himself.
"What do you want to know?" She asks looking down at the steaming cup in front of her.
"Was he..." he hesitates, like looking for the right words "Was he abusive or violent?"
Trinity looks up abruptly meeting Neo's gaze. A 'what?' clearly unspoken in her astonished look so he goes on, not waiting for her answer.
"Um... you talk in your dreams. You cry, asking someone to stop. Doing what...I can't tell... but from your breathing I can tell you're both in pain and scared to death"
Trinity stares at him and pauses, looking down at her cup again and tracing the rim of it with her index before talking again.
"It's the same dream... again and again and again... but, er... I can't see what's happening to me" She avoids Neo's gaze once more and her eyes move on their joined hands "My vision is blurred but I can feel... I can feel everything,"
And I feel pain. So much I can't breathe.
She just thinks the last sentence, not wanting to share that with him. She pauses and her fingers slowly traces another couple of circles around the rim of the cup.
Once more she can't restrain her mind, and she hates herself for that.
... "Love you, Tiff"... Chad kisses her shoulder and rolls at her side. Her mouth opens but she can't say those two words... 'me too'... she doesn't say she loves him back... she just can't. Chad's breath is already heavy against her skin and she just looks at the ceiling wanting anything else than crying. She holds the tears back though. She's not going to allow herself to cry. Not yesterday. Not today. And surely not because of sex, not because of another fake orgasm... the ones she feigns every time she just wants him to release and the sham to stop. She feels guilty and angry at the same time... it's like something doesn't work properly in her... and pleasure grows in her core but not enough for a release... like she can almost touch it but as much as she comes closer the edge is pushed higher. She's somehow blocked... She tries to remember the time in which they were happy together... because there had to had been a time in which they had been happy together... a time she had loved him enough to agree to be his wife. How is that she can't remember it? But she doesn't hate him... hate is still a feeling after all. She doesn't hate him... she feels nothing.
Trinity closes her eyes in an attempt to push those images away. She had been a miserable wife but he never laid a hand on her.
"No... it's not because of Chad. He was what everyone would call a good husband. A good father. Caring and present with the children. A good worker. An honest man. Too bad it's not enough for being in love"
Trinity's thumb caresses Neo's, but again she doesn't look up at him.
"I think it would have been easier to break up with an abusive man. In this the Analyst really knows human beings very well. When you have a decent husband and a good father for your children how are you supposed to want more? How can you be not satisfied enough? That's what society teach you. That's what you are supposed to be good with"
"Do you miss them?"
"I don't miss Chad"
Trinity's answer comes so fast that Neo bites his lower lip at the piercing look in her eyes.
"What about your children?"
She sighs loudly at the use of that 'your' and her hand tightens the grip around the metallic cup. The Trinity in the Matrix would have crushed it, but here she's just human, not matter how angry she can be.
"They're not children, Neo. They're programs" She corrects "Controlling programs" She adds, glancing at him for a moment before avoiding his stare again.
"You know what I mean, Trin"
Of course she knows. She just wishes she wouldn't.
... Mom... Callie's sleeping eyes as she stands near her bed in the darkness of the room waiting for her mother to make room for her. Her warm little body...
... Mom... Donnie's smile after a soccer match... sweated hair dripping on his forehead... he calls her name and put his arms around her waist...
... Mom... Brandon's arms wrapping her from behind. It's as tall as her now but he never leaves without a hug and a kiss on her cheek...
Trinity gives a nod and swallows, then she looks up at him. Piercing blue eyes in dark ones.
"I don't know what I feel about them... a part of me miss them, a part doesn't... " She gives him an uncomfortable look. "I knew I should have been happy for what I had but anyway I always felt something was missing... I've always felt like a puzzle with a missing piece..."
He squeezes her hand and she squeezes back.
"So... am I a bad person if I say I don't miss them? Not really at least" Trinity looks downs at Neo's hand holding hers "I suppose this makes of me a crappy mother. It looks like motherhood doesn't fit me"
She gives Neo an half smile which doesn't reach her eyes.
"It doesn't fit Tiffany you mean"
Neo's words freeze her and her eyes stare at his for a moment before she can't stand them anymore and she has to look away.
She swallows hard focusing in not blinking, or it would be impossible to keep a few tears from falling down her cheek.
Who did she want to fool? It's true her rational side knows the kids were programs, purposely created to control and manipulate her. She had been an affectless wife but not an affectless mother. She just somehow felt inadequate... unfitting in the role of the perfect mom who society requires. She felt more at ease with her bikes sometimes... more herself... something she couldn't explain not even to herself. But she knows she's lying to herself when she says she doesn't care at all about the kids, nor miss them at all. Thinking back to them now is like thinking back to a very moving film. As far as you know that the characters are not real, the awareness doesn't keep you from crying with them and for them. You can feel those characters like they're real. You can feel their feelings... and awareness is not enough...
...it doesn't fit Tiffany, you mean...
Neo's words are like salt on a open wound.
Trinity's mind goes back to Zion... at the time in which they wondered about a life together.
... Neo, stop!
Her hand slaps his shoulder as she tries to wiggle out of his grip. But she's laughing. His stubble tickling her skin as he kisses her abdomen. He doesn't like to shave when they're off-duty in Zion.
'C'mon. Let's put a baby in here' Neo looks at her with puppy eyes and she rolls her eyes at him instead. But again she's smiling.
'We're not putting any baby in here' she laughs trying to move him from her belly as he kisses her again instead, but a little lower "Not now"
'um... you know it's not a real NO, don't you?' he grins at her and she smiles at his insistence
...NOT NOW... after the war... maybe... who knows?
A child with Neo... from Neo...
"Yeah, who knows... maybe it would be different if we-"
Trinity doesn't finish the sentence, realizing just in that moment that she's said it out loud. And it's a painful field to talk about.
"If we didn't die in the Machine City?" Neo asks, finishing the line in her place.
If we had kids of our own... That's what she wanted to say honestly, but she nods anyway at his answer.
"You think we would have married?" Neo's thumb caressed her hand "... had children?"
Fine! It looks like there's no way to avoid that path after all...
"I don't think it, Neo. I know it. But I can't ensure about children, you know... sure you are the One but..." Trinity smirks intentionally not finishing the sentence and letting that he can finish it in his own mind. She is trying to keep that conversation on a light mood.
...'Again...we're not putting any baby in here. Not now' she laughs trying to move him from her belly as he kisses her again instead, but a little lower 'that's what contraceptive devices are for'
...'and since when you trust a machine more than the One?'
Neo smirks in turn looking up to meet her teasing stare.
Yeah, there had been a time they had talked about it... about being a family... after the war. If only they could have been back from there...
Trinity watches Neo's features changing and his eyes sadden. It's like watching the change in the course of his thoughts. Like seeing his thoughts in her own mind. The only difference is that she can still see those images in her mind... Neo could just 'feel' them, his burned eyes unable to see anything.
... The explosion of the windshield as the ship merges violently with the tower as they are torn apart.
... the relief in his voice as he hears her voice again... the panic as he become aware of the blood soaking her shirt... of her lethal wounds...
...' I wished that I had one more chance to say what mattered ... To say how much I loved you, how grateful I was for every moment I was with you...'
...' You gave me my wish; one more chance. To say what I really wanted to say ...'
... 'Kiss me... once more... kiss me...'
Neo's eyes close at that memory and once again Trinity finds his hand, squeezing it.
"You have one more chance too now" she teases taking his hand to her lips and kissing his palm. Again she doesn't want to go through painful memories. She needs to stay in the present... and forget the past.
"Don't you dare to die on me again" Neo says, cupping her cheek and leaning toward her to kiss her lips.
"Well, it looks like 'till death do us part' is not enough for the two of us anyway" she smirks and he smirks in turn as they foreheads touch. "You know, it's inevitable, Mr. Anderson"
Trinity teases Neo again lifting just one eyebrow and giving him a mischievous look. She needs to fool with him. To change the course of that conversation and playing it down.
"You're creepy" Neo smiles shaking his head this time.
Trinity smirks and then stands up, leaving his hand as the opening of the door interrupts them. They both greet Lexy and Bugs as the two women enter the room.
"Creepy? Um, it looks like you are in trouble, man" Lexy said watching Neo with a half amused and half worried look
"I can't wait to see the two of you in the Construct today" Bugs chuckles "But after what I saw in the Matrix from this woman, you're sure it's a good idea upsetting her before going in there, Neo, right?"
"I can handle her."
Trinity turns giving Neo a look which is midway between amused and defiant.
Minutes later they meet in the dojo.
"Handle me, uh?"
She teases putting a hand on her hip as Neo's eyes moves from her tight-fitting pants to her leather top tank. Her hair back to the haircut she uses to have in the Matrix.
"You're stunning"
She smiles and looks down and then again at him, lifting an eyebrow.
"Compliments can't help you in here." She teases "But I'll remember it for later"
Neo smiles at her words, watching her as she approaches.
There are rules and she's been clear about it. No gallantry nor chivalry in there. No reductions nor facilitations. No preferential treatment nor help. It's training and fighting. Nothing else.
"You first"
Trinity rolls her eyes at him.
"Who is the one who can't handle this?" She teases.
Then Trinity suddenly spins, kicking straight-leg toward Neo and aiming to his head. He just squats dodging her attack.
Fine. Game on!
She bends back dodging a fist and smirks as soon as she straightens herself out. He smirks in turn, lightly bending his head by side. He likes what is going on in there.
Sweat. Kicks. Fists. Measured, calculated, calibrated, focused moves... in a perfect rhythm. Action and reaction. No aim of harm each other.
She smirks and kicks again.
It had been hard at the beginning... at the time in which she had been the one who had to train him. She had to fight both with him and herself. Against the fear of hurting Neo's inexpert body... even more against the fear to show any sign of weakness toward him... to show she had a weakness for him. Then he had been Neo's turn to fear of hurting her. A difficult balance between not tearing her apart and not mollycoondling her... or she was going to make him regret that in their bedroom.
"Whoa, you still got it" He says with a mischievous look dodging another acrobatic attack from Trinity.
"Like riding a bike they said" she says with a teasing smile.
He dodges another fist and counterattacks.
Once more it's a difficult path with her. He needs double concentration. It doesn't matter if she's empowered now... he still can't avoid the fear of hurting her. No matter how much skilled and expert she is... he can't bear to see her moaning in pain, even less her blood or bruises on her white skin. And... she's definitely distracting. She's ever been, back in the past. It didn't matter if he could see her in a code, in strings of glyphs. She's too fucking hot in there, always been, to resist the temptation to see the digital image of her. She's perfection at his eyes. Strength and elegance perfectly mixed together.
She tries another back-flip to avoid Neo's last kick but he's faster this time and she loudly lands with her back on the floor. He straddles her before she can stand up again with a jump.
"Unfair"
She teases, still panting.
"You said 'go hard, make me'..."
"Yeah" Trinity's eyes give Neo a smut look this time and she licks her lips "But I didn't mean literally"
Her eyebrows lift and he smirks both at the look in her eyes and at her move as she lifts her hips lightly pressing herself against his groin. She can feel him, even between two layers of clothes, and even if it's just their codes interacting. What they feel in there is nothing compared with the sensations coming from real senses.
"They can't hear us, right?" Neo asks.
Trinity shakes her head
"But they can see us."
Neo stands up reaching out for her arm and helping her to stand up in turn.
The crew is watching them actually, betting on who of them would give up first and wondering who would come out victorious in the matchup.
"What? Wait! That's not fair play," Lexy chuckles "that's foreplay"
Bugs laughs in turn.
"We're just jealous"
They watch at the screen as Trinity twists Neo's arm as soon as she stands up and sends him face down on the floor.
"Oww... that's unfair" The captain says watching as Neo's quickly reaches out to grab her ankle in response and she falls on the floor in turn, just face up. She rolls on the floor quickly and apparently ready for another counterattack. Instead she smirks and moves on top of him, straddling him like he did with her minutes earlier.
"Are you proving your fighting supremacy or your dominance on me, ma'am?" Neo teases, giving Trinity a lustful look.
She replies with a smirk and a half amused half lascivious gaze.
Fuck, he loves those piercing blue eyes... those lips. She established her power on him just with those eyes and with a whisper in his ear, long time ago.
She doesn't see that coming... his arm grabs her waist and he rolls her under himself in a very fast move. She gasps as her back hit the floor and the weight of his body presses on hers and yet there is everything but pain in her eyes. She tries to move under him in an attempt to wiggle out of his grasp, then she stops in which at first sight can look like surrender. They're eyes meet and she licks her lips instead as her hips give a tempting push against his groin. Enough for both their pupils dilating.
"You're evil, love" Neo smirks and just places on Trinity's lips a quick kiss.
"What? Who win?" Lexy looks from the screen to the other members of the crew with a confused voice.
"Pay, Lexy! Neo wins obviously" Berg replies watching Neo as he blocks Trinity's body on the floor avoiding her from moving.
"Oh, he definitely doesn't" Bugs says with a smirk, shaking her head and looking away from the monitor in front of her.
That quick kiss... it definitely wasn't a sign of Neo's dominance. She totally has him. And he totally has her. And about the fight, it's clear they could go on like that for hours without a real winner.
"I think he stopped thinking about fighting her minutes ago, Berg" Seq laughs shaking his head and stretching the word 'fighting', then turning and pulling out the plug from Trinity's neck as Berg does the same on Neo.
Trinity and Neo exchanges a defiant look as soon as their eyes meet on the Mnemosyne again. A defiant look which turns in a sort of hot electricity running between the two of them.
"Um... can anyone of you host me in their room tonight?" Berg asks with an allusive look at the crew as Seq pats his shoulder and laughs.
...
Pain. Sweat. Labored breathing. And crying. Screaming and weeping. And cold.
Cold, enough to condense the breath and to thicken the sweat on the skin.
She cries out and gasps at the pain suddenly radiating from her body.
An oppressing and agonizing pain, sharp and crushing. Her body is doubled up with pain, writhing and struggling against something she can't see. Her vision is blurred but she can smell metal and her own blood. The smell of ionized air is almost unbearable. She can taste the blood in her mouth as her teeth bit hard on her lips in a worthless attempt to focus on something else but pain.
Her ears are filled of her own screams and crying mixed to another crying.
She can't think anymore.
She feels like falling down in the darkness... like precipitating into the void...
"Trinity"
She hears Neo's voice but cannot reply this time.
She suddenly disentangles from Neo's arm and lifts her back, sitting up and gasping loudly like air can't reach her lungs properly. She hears the sound of the air which tries to enter and exit her lungs, a strident sound like her alveolus can't expand properly. And, again, she hears Neo's voice as he asks her to breathe.
She just can't.
Her brain registers a grip on her arm and she reacts trying to wiggle out of that grasp. All her body sets in 'danger mode'.
She recognizes the steady and firm touch of Neo's hands on her face though as he forces her to meet his eyes.
Her open wide eyes meet Neo's dark ones, but for once it's not enough to erase the image of dark and red shadows moving in front of her blurred sight.
She doesn't succeed in controlling her breathing and it becomes faster and lighter. Her entire body shakes in the throes of tremors.
"Trinity, breathe"
...Neo.
She can hear his voice but she has no control on her body. She succeeds in reaching out for his arm and grips to it like to reality... her fingers move on his skin in an attempt to feel him. And she tries to focus on his voice, to force her diaphragm to steady her respiration.
Neo knows that technique. It's a self-controlling and relaxing technique. And he well knows panic attacks. He knows exactly what is going on in her, what she feels now. Like he knows Trinity's going to collapse at any moment.
...Neo. Help me.
She doesn't know if she's really said it to him now or if it's just another one of the screams still resonating in her mind. She can't breathe nor control her own body anymore, but she feels Neo's arms scooping her up and against his chest. She feels his lips on the top of her head and her breath seems to calm down a little in his arms. All around voices she can't really hear and , again , Neo's voice is assuring her that everything is going to be fine.
Then his arms are no more around her body and she feels just cold metal against the skin of her back.
Trinity's mind, already blurred by hypoxemia, reacts with panic again.
Cold metal. Smell of ionized air and metal dust and welding. Dark and red shadows in front of her blurred eyes. The nauseating smell of burned flesh.
Trinity!
It's not Neo's voice, nor his hands the ones holding her still against the metallic surface. And Trinity reacts using her remaining strength to wiggle out of that grip. She feels the sensation of the cold floor under her bare feet... just a few seconds before her knees give up at the weight of her collapsing body. She feels like falling down in the darkness... like precipitating into the void...
Strong arms wrap her body again stopping her falling... Neo's smell...
Neo's voice.
I got you. You're safe.
Trin, you're safe.
...then everything goes dark.