Chapter 4 - The Truth

...

... She feels like falling down in the darkness... like precipitating into the void...

Strong arms wraps her body again stopping her falling... Neo's smell...

Neo's voice.

I got you. You're safe.

Trin, you're safe.

...then everything goes dark.

.

.

"She's fine now"

Neo gives a nod to Ellster but he doesn't look away from Trinity, nor leaves her hand. Her features are no more tensed and her breathing is regular. But she's everything but fine. She's in an induced sleep, high with meds, and he doesn't need to be a doctor to know it. His hand squeezes hers even if he knows she can't feel it.

"What's wrong with her? Why her dreams keep to haunt her?"

Ellster stares at Neo, lightly shaking her head.

"I don't think they're dreams. I think they're memories. And that she keeps reliving the most painful moments of her life."

"From the Matrix?"

Ellster shakes her head again but stronger this time.

"From the Machine city."

Neo's eyes widen and he looks down at Trinity again, holding her hand and caressing it with his thumb.

"How can she? I can't remember anything about that... about my so called resurrection."

"I don't know... But I've never seen a panic attack like hers in people freed from the Matrix. I often do in IO instead, after very traumatic experiences."

Neo doesn't reply, just watching Trinity in her induced sleep. She didn't want to share her nightmares with him. Or she couldn't.

... "Um... you talk in your dream. You cry, asking someone to stop. Doing what...I can't tell... but from you breathing I can tell you're both in pain and scared to death"

..."It's the same dream... again and again and again... but, er... I can't see what's happening to me... My vision is blurred but I can feel... I can feel everything."

He hadn't asked what she meant with 'everything' and he blames himself now for not having had the nuts to ask. Her pain is just too painful for him either, a sharp pain down in his balls like if someone is squeezing them hard. And that makes of him a fucking gutless. He was supposed to be there for her, to support her. He had forgot (or better he had chosen to forget) how impenetrable the armor she can put on can be. She can hide her feelings too well behind an unperturbed semblance. She's always been good at that.

Neo caresses Trinity's head. He knows she's going to be out for several hours before the effect of the sedatives in her veins fades... and he should try to sleep in turn. There is nothing he can do for her now but he cannot help himself... he needs to be there with her anyway.

.

.

Trinity's mind slowly becomes aware of the world around her... the noises from the ship, the beep of the monitors...

She opens her eyes and looks around without moving her head as her hand moves down on her abdomen. Pain isn't there anymore... if it never was there actually.

She turns her head slowly. The infirmary. Neo is on the cot by the wall... sitting opened-knees, his elbows on the knees and his head in his hands... his look on the floor. Thoughtful. Worried. Ellster is at her desk writing papers.

Trinity lifts up a little, propping on her elbows and then sitting up on the medical bed she's still lying on, meeting Ellster's eyes as she turns to her.

"Welcome back" the young doctor smiles, standing up and approaching Trinity "Can you remember what happened?" She softly asks.

Trinity nods.

"I wish I doesn't" She replies.

Ellster nods trapping her lip between her teeth.

"What is it?"

"The reason we don't free adults' minds, I suppose" Trinity unexpectedly says watching at the monitors beyond the doctor and at the medical files on the desk. The results of her examination, her tests "Something is definitely wrong with my mind"

Ellster just presses her lips together but doesn't nod, nor shakes her head either.

"Tell me what you remember. What happens in your dream"

"How can it be of any relevance?" Trinity shakes her head, unable to contain the shade of irritation in her voice "It's a dream. I know it's not real"

"And yet you're here"

Trinity holds Ellster's gaze for a few seconds, then looking away just to meet Neo's look. She looks down and shakes her head like to say that she can't, on her side, really explain what she remembers.

Her blue eyes meet Neo's again for a moment, then she sighs...

"Remember what Morpheus told you just a moment before we freed you?"

Neo holds Trinity's gaze.

"He said... Have you ever had a dream, that you were so sure was real?"

"Exactly" she nods as Morpheus' words resonate in both their minds.

...Have you ever had a dream, Neo, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wakefrom that dream? How would you know the difference between the dreamworld and the real world?

"It's exactly what I feel every time my mind is trapped in there. I know I'm in my bed and yet I'm not. It doesn't make sense, I know it, but... it feels so real"

Again she gives a reluctant look to the young doctor. She hates to expose herself like she knows she's going to do, but she knows she can't, on the other side, to keep that to herself. No more.

"For years I've had the same nightmare in the Matrix. Er... Tiffany had"

Trinity's look moves on Neo this time and he looks back at her. He can feel her discomfort even if she's always able to seem so impassible, so detached. Every time she talks about herself in the Matrix she struggles to find the right personal pronoun. She rejects her 'first herself' in the Matrix too, the fifteen-years-old girl that Morpheus saved from that digital world, but not as much as she rejects having been Tiffany.

"But hers... well..." Trinity hesitates, feeling awkward about what her life with Chad had been, no matter if she never chose it "her nightmares began after...er... after she lost a baby" She swallows bur her tone is steady and her features impassible, like she just telling facts or better like she's talking about someone else than herself. Her discomfort is evident only in the way she keeps to struggle in finding the right personal pronoun for her telling "The more she grieved about her lost the more that nightmare haunted her, er... me, in the Matrix, keeping that moment vivid and amplifying the sorrow in a sort of vicious cycle. Now... now it's different... I know it's just a dream, that it comes because I'm still drugged by the shit the Matrix pushed in my mind... I know it's not real and yet... even if I know I'm not in there anymore, I can't control it. Worse... now it's like every single sensation has been pushed higher. Sensations are more vivid and real than before. And every detail somehow adds pain, sorrow, fear... reality"

Trinity meets Ellster's eyes again.

"Do you keep re-living that moment? The miscarriage Tiffany's goes through?"

Trinity shakes her head. Her stoic features soften at Ellster's choice of saying 'Tiffany's' instead of 'yours'. It can be weird and awkward but she has no doubt about it. She's not Tiffany, she's never been.

"Actually even back in the Matrix she could remember practically nothing about that. A C-section scar was the only reminder that what she could feel in the nightmare really happened. Well, it happened in the Matrix anyway... so it never really happened"

Ellster's eyes move on Neo and their looks meet for a moment.

"You always say 'feel'. Can't you see what's happens to you in there?"

Another shake of Trinity's head.

"I can't explain actually. Whatever I can see is shadows. Not in white and black really, but it's like I'm wrapped in thick fog. I can't really see what happens around me" She meets Neo's eyes again just for an instant but enough for him to recognize the almost imperceptible stiffening of her features. It's clear to him that she's struggling to go on, and enough for her to know she can't avoid it, no matter how much painful it is "it's like being blind... every other sense is hypersensitive... I feel everything. The taste of blood. The smell of ionized air, of burned flesh, of metal. The cold. The pain. A lot."

She stops and looks away as Ellster gives her a knowing gaze. Neo looks down instead, somehow purposely avoiding Trinity's eyes.

"What kind of pain?"

"I feel like..." Trinity watches as Neo looks down before she starts speaking, unable to bear her incoming words, and she swallows hard looking at Ellster "like something torching and oppressing in my abdomen, and then like something gets lacerated inside me..." She closes her eyes for a second and bits on her lower lip, pressing a her free hand on her belly like she can still feel that pain and she's trying to soothe a pain that isn't really there anymore actually "I feel like I'm tore open and ripped apart... I feel tears wetting my cheeks... I can smell and taste my blood... " her hand moves to cover her eyes for an istant, then she hurries to compose herself.

"And you pass out because of pain..."

Trinity gives a nod at Ellster's words at first, but she lightly shakes her head a moment after.

"There's noise all around, voices I can't understand get lost in the noise... but I hear my screams and my crying gets mixed with another crying. It's a feeble baby's crying... it's just a fraction of second but I can clearly hear it. In that exact moment I know I'm dreaming exactly like Tiffany did. That child never cried. I know I'm dreaming and yet, all of a sudden, it's not about the physical pain anymore... I don't care about myself anymore. It's a crushing feeling that I can't explain... it's overwhelming... like there's a hole in my chest and I can't breathe anymore, I feel like I'm passing out, like being dead while you're still alive... I don't know... " She watches Neo again hoping to find his eyes, if not for answers at least for support, but he purposely keeps to avoid her eyes again. She inhales deeply and looks at him anyway.

"Like a mourn?"

Trinity doesn't turn at Ellster's question, still staring at Neo's bend-down head. It looks like he's trying to focus on something else than her words, his palm flat on his knees.

"I experienced mourn in the past. In Zion. I lost almost all my friends during war... and yet in my dream it's even more devastating. The grieving and the mourning are so real, and so unbearable that I just want to- "

She shakes her head and closes her eyes. A tear escapes her control and slips along her cheek as she hurries to wipe it away.

"- to die"

Trinity opens her eyes at the sound of Neo's voice as he finishes that sentence in her place. Their eyes meet painfully.

"You just want to die"

Neo's voice is just a whisper this time, and he looks down again. His palms are now closed in fists on his knees. He runs a hand in his hair and stands up.

He knows that feeling. He clearly remember having wanted the same... in the Machine City, at her side, kissing her lips one last time as the grip of her hand in his loosened.

Trinity hand reaches out for Neo's as he moves toward her. Her hand meet his and he takes it. Again her eyes don't move from Neo's even when she feels Ellster approaching them closer.

Ellster gives a nod. An understanding nod this time. Trinity's eyes instead move on Neo's again. His eyes are fixed on the floor like he's still struggling to meet her look.

"Hey," Trinity calls him and he looks up at the reassuring tone of her voice. His eyes even darker than they use to be.

"Trinity, I think your dream is not a dream. I think it's a memory... about what you went through in the Machine City"

Trinity doesn't turn to Ellster and for a moment it looks like she hasn't heard her words. Her blue eyes move on Neo again... from the look in his eyes he already heard Ellster's theory and he is now waiting for her reaction.

It is clear they both went through various kind of surgeries in there. She remembers the crush in the Machine city and sharp metal parts entering her body. Such lethal wounds needed at least several surgical operations, not to mention restart her heart and everything else. Neo surely went through the same path. She hasn't stopped to think about that before, but there are no scars on both hers and Neo's body, no sign of the injury to his eyes neither. She clearly remembers his burned eyes, and yet, that wound had been fixed by machines exactly like every other part of his body. Surely machines did a great job to put them back to be efficient and cost-effective human batteries again.

She shakes her head.

"It can't be. It can't be a real memory"

Trinity's voice comes firm and steady, even if Neo can get the almost imperceptible shiver in it. Her shoulders stiffen and her jaw clenches.

"Why?"

Neo's voice this time. As firm and steady as hers.

She swallows and her hand moves in the grip of his, like she's trying to escape from his hold.

"Why?" he repeated as she looked down, not answering the question.

"Er..." Ellster fights to find the right words, like sensing the thoughts which are going on in Trinity's mind "there's not scars on Neo's body... no signs of the many surgeries he surely went through. You have a little one instead. I didn't pay enough attention at first. I thought it was something you already had before your so called resurrection. I mean... why making a so perfect job... countless invisible surgeries... and then leaving just one scar instead?"

Trinity's eyes stare at Ellster but she says nothing. She obviously doesn't have an answer to that.

"Well, " the young doctor goes on "it's why I've checked you again. I thought it was an old scar, so I've confronted your results with your old medical records from Zion, and... well, I was wrong. So I got it. That scar came after... probably many months after your reviving in the Machine city. And you know what scar I'm talking about, don't you?"

Trinity's hand traces the very light scar on her abdomen, a thin straight scar just above her pubic bone. She hadn't paid attention to it either. Why would she? As far as it's practically invisible now, it's surely not a scar from her resuscitation surgery. On the contrary she knows exactly what kind of scar it is and when and why Tiffany had it. A cesarean scar.

Trinity's eyes move on Neo as he touches Ellster's forearm in what is a silent "may I?" She nods at him.

"Trin... I clearly remember the bullet which entered your chest. Exactly like you remember the many bullets which entered mine. And there's no sign of them, not on your skin, nor on mine. You know, better than me, whatever scar Tiffany had, it was not real. Those scars are real in the Matrix and till your mind makes them real"

Trinity tenses, her features stiffening a little.

"Well, it looks like my mind is quite messed up lately, Neo" she says with an hint of irritation in her voice.

He stares at her, intertwining his fingers with hers despite her attempt to fight against it, and his thumb caresses her palm in a reassuring and calming way. Her features soften.

"You're the one who said that you shouldn't keep having this dream now, since you're conscious you're not connected to the Matrix anymore... And yet it keeps to haunt you. Worse than before. More vivid than before." Neo says softly again.

She doesn't look away from his eyes.

"If you're asking me why my subconscious is still so tied to the Matrix instead, I've not an answer, Neo" Trinity's irises tremble but her voice doesn't and she looks down at their intertwined hands, shaking her head "Tiffany's experiences were not real. And you've just reminded me... like I can forget" she adds. Again that hint of irritation in her voice.

"Trin...What if it's really not a dream instead, nor a memory from Tiffany's mind? What if it's amemory of yours?"

Neo says those words in the most low and calm tone, but she looks up at him so suddenly like if he has screamed. Her eyes widen and her hand leaves his.

"It can't be" She swallows as even those few words seem to choke her "It can't be a real memory "

"Why?"

Her breathing rate fastens and Neo's hands finds her arms, moving up and down from her shoulders to her wrists. He calls her name softly till she looks up at him again.

Trinity swallows but stares right in Neo's eyes this time.

"Because I still hear that newborn's crying, Neo"

They stare at each other just for a few seconds but it looks like hours.

"What if it's amemory of yours?" Neo repeated, in a whisper this time.

"NO," her hands tremble and her voice either "I never..."

"What if... what if you did instead?"

His hand finds hers again, holding it firmly in his, avoiding it from trembling. She just inhales deeply, stops a moment and then exhales slowly. And the blue of her eyes meets the dark of his.

"Trinity, Ellster found metallic clips on your womb"

Neo's voice. Low. Barely audible. But she hears it. She just wishes she didn't.

Her eyes widen again and her lips part. Trinity stares from Neo to Ellster again.

"Wh- what?"

"It's true" Ellster nods "The XR shows surgical clips on your uterus. From a C-section. I can't tell why metallic clips instead of absorbable sutures... an emergency surgery maybe... but there's no doubt about it. And there was no mention of any surgery in your medical files from Zion" Ellster tries her best to be the more professional she can, fighting the urge to touch Trinity's arm as she comes even closer to her. She would comfort her if she wouldn't worry to be punched right in her face instead.

Trinity's mouth opens in disbelief and she quickly moves, letting her legs swing down the side of the medical bed. Her hand grips the rim of it. She feels like she's struggling breathing again.

"No,"

It's the only word that exits her mouth.

Neo looks at her remembering the time in which he had felt exactly like she's feeling her right now. When Morpheus had shown him what was left of the world he knew. The desert of the real.

"Tiffany's kids were just the projection of her mind. Of your mind. She never really delivered a baby. You... you did instead. And... I think the Analyst turned your grieve in hers. In Tiffany's"

Trinity doesn't move at Ellster's words. Then she shakes her head vigorously.

"No" she repeats again.

...What is the Matrix? Control. The Matrix is a computer-generated dreamworld built to keep us under control in order to change a human being into this. A human battery.

...No! I don't believe it! It's not possible!

Neo remembers himself losing control and consciousness on the Neb a few seconds later.

He watches at Trinity's hands as they shake and she closes them in fists in an attempt to stop the shivering.

...Here's the thing about feelings. They're so much easier to control than facts. Turns out, in my Matrix, the worse we treat you, the more we manipulate you, the more energy you produce

The analyst's words resonates in Neo's mind for a moment, then Trinity's piercing blue suddenly meets the deep dark of his eyes.

"If this is true than we -"

She swallows the last words and closes her eyes.

Conceived a child. Had a child.

"Oh my God..."

She closes her eyes as Neo's eyes doesn't look away instead. He can't tell if she is reliving her 'nightmare' again, analyzing even more her own memory or if she is trying to erase it from her mind.

It's like watching her moving through all the five stages of mourning at once... denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Minutes. Silence. A heavy silence wrapping them in there.

"If it's true, I have to know" she says in a firm tone opening her eyes again and staring at Neo.

"I've already checked and there was not another pod in the Anomaleum. Just yours and Neo's"

Trinity turns at Bugs' voice, meeting her eyes. She hadn't registered the captain entering the room. Her blue eyes stares back at her, then she suddenly jumps down the medical bed in a quick move and grabs the sweater on the chair.

"Load me in!" Trinity just says, with the same firm tone in which years earlier she told Neo she was going with him for Morpheus's rescue, or he could go to hell.

"What? No!"

Ellster's voice, as Bugs holds Trinity's gaze instead.

"Trinity, we don't know if the child was alive... maybe they-"

The look Trinity gives to Bugs sends a shiver down the Captain's stomach. And the young captain is more than used to reprimand gazes, both from the Army officers and from the General.

"Load me in, Captain. Please."

Her pleading hits Bugs even more and she gives an imperceptible nod.

"What? Bugs, no. Fuck!" Ellster swears "The General is going to kick your ass personally."

Trinity's eyes move on Neo and he stares back at her. The same look that they exchanged on the Hammer so many years earlier.

...I knew it the moment you said you had to leave. I saw it in your face, just like you knew the moment you looked at me, that I was coming with you...

He's not going to stop her. If it's true it means that she had been pregnant, ignoring it. He wants to know as much as she wants it. They need to know. He finds her hand and squeezes it.