A/N: Posting two chapter tonight. They are both long and I hope they hold together but they are now off my plate and on yours.
Thank you very much to everyone who is still reading (and commenting). It means the world.
It was surprisingly easy for Leia to ignore a few cold, hard truths when there were more immediate concerns, like evacuating Echo Base and evading the Empire on a broken down freighter. In fact, for several hours or maybe most of a day, though it was hard to tell exactly how much time had passed, she could avoid thinking about being pregnant and the latest assassination attempt almost entirely.
She even managed to keep her thoughts at bay during their one brief respite, hiding in a cave on an asteroid that wasn't actually a cave but a space slug of some variety. Until he kissed her, that is. She was still full of adrenaline and fear and needed to feel him close. She pressed against him, trying to soak up his strength, his confidence that they'd find their way out of this mess too, but her thoughts took over. Pregnant. Mon's ship. A broken hyperdrive and a relentless Empire. Then she was back in near-panic mode and pushing him away.
Han was able to shake everyone off their tail, another small miracle manifested when she was very close to losing all faith, and came up with plan to get her back to the fleet. They had at least three weeks travelling at sublight speed through deep space and no one was too happy about it.
They'd given up on the hyperdrive but the shields were at fifty percent and Han was worried about at least one of the aft sensors. He didn't want to leave anything to chance, even though his solution to their present dilemma—repairs at a mining colony run by a maybe friend and definite scoundrel—didn't sound particularly safe.
She was exhausted—they all were—but the Falcon still demanded their attention. He and Chewie were arms' deep in the panels along the ring corridor trying to access the sensor array. She could hear them arguing, a steady white noise, as she ran a diagnostics check for other damage. They didn't want any more surprises. Leia watched the lights flash past on the screen at the engineer station, pressing for a read out every time red popped up.
She wanted to contact Rieekan but it was too risky. They'd have to drop out of sublight and they were still too close to where they last saw the Imperials. Anyone could be listening and they didn't want to draw attention to themselves or the fleet at the rendezvous point. Carlist would be worried but there was nothing she could do about it. Not in that moment, anyway.
When she told the General about the assassination attempt on Mon's ship, she kept things professional. In part because she needed to keep control of her emotions but also because that's what she did. What she was trained to do. Remove the personal and stick with the facts. But she was surprised by his reaction. He had to look away to collect himself. Clear his throat before he spoke.
"This is very troubling." He took several deep breaths before continuing. "Was the Chancellor able to connect her assistant with any known movement or organization?"
Leia thought she might tear up. She blamed the newly discovered pregnancy for being emotional and not the fact Carlist was a friend of her father's, a warm reminder of her life before the war. Or that his first reaction was about her, Leia, and not what the act meant for the rebellion.
"She had no new information by the time Commander Skywalker and I left on the transport."
"Well, we'll need our own plan going forward." He pulled out a datapad then put it back on his desk without turning it on. He furrowed his brow as he carefully thought through what should happen next. "We need to keep everything off record. I find it hard to believe anyone on Echo Base has ulterior motives but I'm sure Mon thought the same. Nothing written down. These conversations go no further than you, me, Commander Skywalker and Captain Solo."
She would continue in her role on base and on missions but only leave Hoth when accompanied by Luke or Han. Only Rieekan would contact Mon on this issue to limit the opportunities for information leaks. All four on base, perhaps Chewbacca too, would meet later to discuss their own investigation. They should trust no one else.
"I understand Mon's point about sending you to a safe house. If I thought that option could actually be safe, I would be encouraging you to do so right away." He leaned back in his chair, resting his clasped hands on his stomach. "But I believe you're better off being in control of the situation. Locked in a secret location with others as your gate keeper would be far too dangerous. I'm not sure if someone on High Command is corrupt, and gods help us all if that's true, but we have to assume someone connected to the inner circle is involved."
"I've tried to remember if there were any hints along the way, any interactions with Khalia that were difficult or suspect, but nothing stands out." Leia gave a small shrug. "Until Mon delivered the news, I would've said that Khalia liked me."
"I hope you don't find this inappropriate, Your Highness." He smiled at her. She noted that he rarely smiled even though she never thought of him as an unhappy person, despite his own pain and loss. "I'm not quite prepared for anything to happen to you, Leia. Perhaps I'm not the hardened soldier I make myself out to be."
Rieekan would be at the rendezvous now, logging each transport and who was on board. He knew she got out on the Falcon and he would be anxiously waiting on any word about the freighter's arrival. She wouldn't be able to contact him until Bespin, maybe later. There was nothing she could do and she hated it.
Leia was overheating. The ship was hot, probably something wrong with the environmental system because of course there would also be something wrong with the environmental system, and she was still wearing her Hoth snowsuit. Leia pulled off her vest and dropped it on the side of the engineering station. She unzipped the top of her suit and let it fall around her waist.
All that research, time and money getting them to Hoth. All wasted. All gone. It was quite possible the Alliance was in an even worse position than they were six months ago. She was cut off and couldn't predict the severity of their losses or how they would turn things around. Again. Her heart rate started to rise, a new panic set in and she pushed it aside. This wasn't the time to become emotional. It was the never the time for that sort of thing.
When was the last time she ate? Sometime before the evacuation started. Chewie made her a late night meal while Han and Luke were trapped on the ice. He sat with her in the Falcon's lounge, practically forcing her to eat. Telling her she needed her strength, she should enjoy the fresh food while they had it. Strangely, she was actually hungry and ate it all. When she realized they probably loaded up on supplies and fresh food on Robarsi for their flight to Tatooine, she spent far too much time in the fresher throwing everything up.
His idiotic, ill-conceived, couldn't possibly come to a good end plan to deal with Jabba. She felt her blood pressure rising again. He gave her the I'm good with this going as long as we want it to go speech and then decided to leave without consulting her.
"Hey!"
She turned to see Han storm in from the ring corridor.
"Any reason why you're ignoring us?"
He grabbed her vest from the side of the engineering table. The console was flashing with requests to run tests on the sensor array.
"If you got something better to do, fine. But don't leave us hanging."
"I'm running the check like you asked." She was not negligent of her duties. She was never negligent of her duties. "You didn't tell me to watch for those lights."
"You've worked this station before." He reached past her, hit a sequence of buttons. "We need a reading on the sensors."
"I can do it."
She knew what she was doing. She made one small mistake and tossed her vest on the board. He was making too big a deal about it. They were fifty feet away. He could have called for her.
"We don't got time." He hit the intercom button. Told Chewie to start it up. "Go take a nap or something."
A nap? A nap! Who did this arrogant, condescending nerf-herder think he was?
"I said I could do it."
"But you weren't doing it." He put both hands on the table and leaned forward. He turned to her. "Go to sleep, Leia. You gotta be tired."
His voice was more gentle than angry and that made her furious.
"Why would I be ready to sleep when you and Chewie aren't?"
A light on the left panel flashed. Han turned a dial then hit the intercom button again.
"Only getting 'bout half. Try turning one off. See if we can locate the source."
"Your ship is too hot so I took off my vest." She didn't like the implication that she wasn't pulling her weight. She pulled twice her weight. Three times! "You could have shouted if you needed me. I know you don't have a problem with shouting."
He scowled at her. Looked like he was going to say something but Chewie's voice came over the intercom.
[Try again.]
"I didn't know you were calling or that I was supposed to check for messages." She crossed her arm over her chest and remembered she was only wearing her tank top. "I'm not Force-sensitive so you're going to have to learn to communicate."
"What the hell are you talking about?" See? She knew he could yell. "If you didn't throw your stuff around you'd have seen the light."
She did the job they asked her to do. This damn ship was falling apart. Every job was a three-being job, which was ridiculous since it was a two-being crew, and it was now her fault she didn't guess they needed her to do one more thing.
"Well, your job was to get me to the rendezvous and look how well that turned out."
He snapped back to look at her. "I got you off Hoth! Or maybe you'd prefer if the Command Center crashed around you. Your last noble sacrifice to the cause."
He was mad at her for staying till the end. Not getting on an earlier transport.
"Or maybe you were hoping for another Vader stand-off." His voice was a snarl. There were dark circles under his eyes. His face, usually tinted with tan despite seeing very little sun in the past months, looked pale and strained.
She might have had a moment of sympathy for him if she didn't hate him so much.
"That's an awful thing to say." She stood up so quickly the chair almost toppled behind her. "You are well aware of the scars that resulted from my last encounter."
Scars. Encounter. She was using political euphemisms to describe torture and trauma. Years of recurring nightmares and a grief that constantly shifted as she relearned how to live. As she redefined what it meant to be alive.
Han leaned his head back, gazing at the ceiling, obviously frustrated by her and his breaking down ship.
"I'm sorry, okay? Didn't mean that." He looked at her. He meant it. His hazel eyes scanning her for pain and pulse points. "But we've got to get these sensors back at full. Need all the help we can in sublight. But we can do this without you. Get some rest. There'll be plenty to do later."
Of course they could do it without her. That's how he ran his life. He and Chewie had it all figured out and didn't need any other input.
"How am I supposed to rest knowing your precious ship might fall apart around me?" If he called it her precious rebellion than this was a precious ship. "And where exactly should I take this life restoring nap?"
Chewie called over the intercom to run the sequence again but Han paused to give her a what the fuck glare.
"I don't have a place here. Nothing that's mine. Once again, I'm left with nothing but the clothes on my back." Her things probably made it to one of the transports but that wasn't her point. "What am I supposed to do for three weeks—if we're lucky!—on this bucket of bolts? Where am I supposed to go? You remind me constantly that this is your ship. I've got no place to even think, let alone sleep."
Fuck. Her head was a mess.
"You sleep on this ship every damn night! You know where everything is." He was ignoring Chewie completely now. "You have shit here. In the cabin and fresher."
"Hair pins and a toothbrush. Big help!"
"I didn't plan for this to happen! The hyperdrive got wrecked on that ice ball you called a base."
"So it's my fault?" She'd lost whatever train of thought or argument she had. Her mind was bouncing in whatever direction it felt like. "Typical! You won't take responsibility for your own actions. You float through life from one disaster to the next and don't care what damage you do or leave behind."
He put both his hands on his head in frustration. He looked confused and furious. "What the hell does that mean?"
"It means you only think about yourself!" Arms folded across her chest wasn't cutting it anymore. She needed movement. Action. She felt spring-loaded and ready to jump out of her own skin. "Three weeks! They might be gone from the rendezvous by then. I've got no idea who made it there. Last I heard Luke's speeder went down."
Luke was okay. She felt strongly about it but that wasn't her point. If only she knew what point she was trying to make.
"You're not Vader's prisoner and the ship's still running! Found us a place to go for repairs. How does that not count for anything?"
She did a quick survey of her surroundings and grabbed a small multi-tool sitting on the engineering station.
"Because it means you're still leaving!"
She pitched the tool at him. She wasn't aiming anywhere in particular but noticed him dodge out of the way as she turned away.
Leia didn't know where she was headed but ended up in his cabin. His cabin. She should have gone for the fresher. It still wasn't her space but it was less obviously his.
She looked for something else to throw. The room was cluttered with cords and wires, parts of parts that he planned to work on sometime. Who lives like this? How did she ignore it for so long? She put hands on hips and started pacing, the top of her snowsuit dangling at her waist.
"What the fuck, Leia?!" He was at the door. He put his hands on either side of the frame. Maybe to keep himself steady or to keep some distance between them. "Don't throw shit on my ship and definitely don't throw shit at me! You think I like that any of this is happening? Or that I gotta deal with Jabba? What the hell do you want me to do here?"
"I'm pregnant."
She stopped pacing. Looked at him. His expression was frozen in an angry scowl but confusion was slipping in.
Leia closed her eyes. Covered her face with her hands.
Fuck. She hadn't worked out a plan on how to tell him but this definitely wasn't it.
She moved quickly to the bunk, worried she might actually collapse, and sat down. Waited for the explosion she knew was coming. His emotions bottlenecking because he didn't know how to respond or process the information. Hitting anger before anything else. Deflecting and defending, firing first to cause a distraction if nothing else.
She kept her eyes closed. Tried to take deep breaths but her heart was racing too fast. Sat up straight, hands on the bunk on either side of her hips, arms straight and braced.
Her mind was still reeling. Pregnant. Echo Base destroyed. Cut off. Three weeks. Rebels scattered again. Assassination attempt. She couldn't take hold of any of them. All her thoughts were doing whatever the hell they wanted.
Leia felt him crouch down in front of her. His hands went to her calves.
"Hey."
She opened her eyes. He was looking up at her. Not angry or confused. Concerned. Calm.
"Pregnant, huh?"
"Yes."
He squeezed her legs, seemed to be pondering his next move.
"When you find out?"
"On Mon's ship."
Han nodded a few times like that made all the sense in the world.
"How much…?" He paused.
"How much pregnant?"
He rolled his eyes. "Give me a break, would ya? I've had this information for thirty seconds."
She tried not to smile. "About eight weeks."
He nodded again. "Okay. So, Hoth." He gave her the near-leer grin. "Bet it was that time in the munitions room. That was a good one."
"I'm fairly sure it doesn't need to be a good one to get pregnant."
He shrugged. "Can't hurt."
They both turned at the sound of Chewie's growl.
"Hang on!" He shouted down the corridor. He didn't move from his crouched position. His hands still held her calves. "We got this, Leia. We'll figure it out."
"What exactly do we got? Have you noticed what's going on around us? The world we live in."
He did a small double take. Gave her a C'mon, it's me look.
"We've never even said we love each other."
He cocked his head, furrowed his brow. Looked like she'd just declared the Emperor wasn't such a bad guy after all.
"But we do. We are." He swallowed. She could see him decide to take the risk. "In love. Ask anyone."
He smiled and the only thing she could do in response was laugh.
[Solo!] Chewie banged something against the panel to emphasize his demand. [Stop wasting time!]
He nodded toward the angry Wookiee. "I gotta go. Not avoiding this, I swear, but we have to get those sensors up."
She nodded as he squeezed her calves again.
"We could still use your help if you still want to pitch in."
[I'll drag you out here. Don't care what's going on.]
"I said hang on!" He barely turned his head, keeping his gaze on her. He gave her a quick, reassuring nod. "But if you want to hang out in here, s'all good."
He stood up. He was about to lean in, kiss her forehead, when she spoke. Her voice a hoarse whisper.
"But you're leaving."
He grimaced. Looked almost sheepish. "We'll talk later. I swear."
He was almost out the door when he stopped and turned around.
"Hey." His hand went to the door frame again. "Do you think this is why you've been so crazy lately?"
She narrowed her eyes. "I could murder you in your sleep you know."
He smiled again then headed down the corridor. She heard him say, alright, alright, and Chewie growl something indistinguishable in response.
Leia stared at the walls for a few minutes. Then her hands. She felt calm. Wondered how long it had been since she didn't feel like her brain was spinning too fast. Certainly before the attempt on her life. Probably before the bounty hunters.
She should probably take a shower. It would wake her up and there was a layer of dirt from the base collapsing around her and hours of Falcon repairs. But she wanted to get to work. Be a part of the team. She needed that more a shower. She removed her snowsuit, keeping her leggings on, and put on one of Han's shirts.
Chewie handed her a micro-fuser as soon as she reached them in the corridor. Told her to get to work reattaching the panels while he went to check on the envirosystem.
"I knew something was wrong with it!" She felt strangely vindicated. "It was too hot in here."
"Nothing wrong with it." Han had his jacket off and was already almost waist deep into wall. The sensors were meant to be accessed from the outside so a lot of creative and uncomfortable mechanics were underway. He didn't look at her as he spoke but that could be because he was contorted against the ship. "Need to reroute some power."
"Don't we need to have that system working at full power?"
He sat back bringing a braid of wires with him. "It all balances out."
They didn't talk much as they worked, and all topics were Falcon-related, but she liked being near him. There was a lot of muttering and swearing when things didn't go as expected and she found it comforting. It was normal. They were being normal with each other. Dealing with the latest problem in front of them.
Did she have to tell him about the attempt on her life? If he was leaving, he didn't have to deal with that fallout. Being pregnant was the more important information. There was no reason to mention the other incident unless he asked about his sweatshirt and that seemed unlikely.
She thought about his sweatshirt, torn by the medical droid and left in her quarters on Hoth. It's possible Threepio packed it with the rest of her things. The last she heard from the protocol droid, he'd called from the transport to say he arrived safely but made no mention of her personal items. Leia hoped that Luke was back with the fleet because neither of them there meant Threepio was set loose without any duties and that didn't seem fair to any of the other Rebels.
The three of them eventually sat down to eat. Went through the food supply list and devised meals plans. Set rules for water use and consumption. The various ways they needed to conserve energy. One of them needed to always be awake, ready to react if any alarm sounded, and they agreed on six-hour shifts. It was a group discussion, which somewhat surprised her since he usually played the my ship, my rules card.
[I'll take the first shift.] Chewie picked up the dishes from the table. [It will give me time to recalibrate the console. I'll sleep better after that.]
She considered arguing but honestly didn't have the strength. She took her shower, careful to keep it under the allotted time but still hoping Han would come in and join her, then changed for bed. At first, staying awake to wait for him didn't seem like an option and then falling asleep didn't seem like one. She knew how long it took him to do his nighttime circuit. Even accounting for all the things they needed to fix today, it was taking a long time.
It struck Leia that she hadn't had a full night's sleep since Mon's ship. Correction. Since before Mon's ship. The last time she laid down in a bed, a colleague locked her in the room, having already sealed all the vents, and set off a polcheirin gas canister. The gas was designed to silently fill her lungs, stopping her heart and breathing so she would die silently, perhaps peacefully, in fifteen minutes or less.
She wondered if she was supposed to feel grateful that Khalia intended for her to die without a struggle. Was that supposed to be humane or simply a way to cause as little fuss and noise as possible?
Luke must have noticed right away. Maybe even before the gas was released. She was glad to help Luke in any small way but found meditating with him was exhausting. It often dredged up painful images for her that were hard to shake. But if the meditation helped build a bridge between them, she was very glad she did it. It seemed very unlikely she would have survived if Luke hadn't intervened. Leia tried to focus on that positive point because everything else about that incident threatened to pull her under in a blind rage.
She had given her life to the rebellion, to Alderaan, and someone she worked alongside had tried to kill her. She was willing to give her life for the cause but not like this. Not for a coward who hid in the shadows.
The door opened and Han stepped in looking dirty and exhausted.
"You're still awake." He pulled off his shirt and kicked off his boots in quick succession. "Thought you'd be out."
"Maybe I'm still a little wired." She pushed herself up on her pile of pillows, feeling more awake than she should.
"Gonna take a shower." He removed the rest of his clothes, tossing everything into a pile in the corner. He was almost at the door when he stopped and turned back. "Were you going to tell me?"
He stood there, naked, hands on hips. She didn't know how to respond so she stared back.
"Cos if you found out on Mon's ship, that means you knew when we were on base." He watched her. "That means you had time."
She sat up. Folded her legs in front of her, resting her hands in her lap.
"That was my plan." It was jarring that he was trying to have a serious conversation naked. Distracting. "I wanted to tell you. But then you said you were leaving. You and Luke spent the night on the ice. The Empire arrived. Being pregnant fell far down on the list"
"I got clearance to leave."
"Could you put some clothes on?" She straightened her back. Readjusting her posture usually helped her stay in check. "Or get in the bunk. This display is a lot to take right now."
He shook his head and walked out of the cabin. She heard the fresher door then the shower. Leia put her datapad on the shelf beside her. She smoothed out the sheets over her legs. Pulled her hair out of its tie then rebraided it. Ran her hands over her head, tucking in loose strands and hoping things looked somewhat contained.
She was in the same position when Han returned a few minutes later, clean and shaven. He pulled on some underwear, a surprise move, and crawled over her to his side of the bunk. He turned off the light as he dropped down.
It was dark but she could still see him. Knew he was staring at the bulkhead above them.
"I understand you're mad." She shifted her position so she faced him. "I agree it doesn't look good that I didn't say anything but try consider things from my perspective because I would've benefitted from a conversation about you going to deal with Jabba."
He looked her with clenched jaw. His eyes were less angry but not quite contrite.
"I had every intention of talking to you but you had no intention of having the conversation with me."
He rubbed his hands over his face and through his hair. "You said it yourself. Those bounty hunters almost messed up that credit drop and that would've been my fault."
"I'm the one who was nabbed."
"Cos they were after my bounty!" He dropped his arms back down to his sides. "If I'm dragged back to Jabba's I'm done for. But if I go to him and negotiate, maybe I got a chance. Maybe nothing happens to you."
"Maybe? You know damn well how unlikely that is. Near impossible." He could be stubborn but this was ridiculous. "You're not going to convince me I'm better off without you. I'm alive and still fighting because you came back at Yavin. We've saved each other countless times since then."
In so many ways and not only in battle.
"And I thought we dropped the whole you're a mercenary who only cares about himself act a while back." She could see the words circling his brain and knew he didn't know how to pick out the ones he needed. "You're as much a rebel as Luke but I can keep that secret if you'd like."
He rolled his eyes, gave his head a small shake, but didn't deny it. He put a hand on her knees, moved his thumb in a familiar pattern.
"What do you want to do?"
The question wasn't unexpected but she still wasn't prepared. It covered too much ground. Too many things she didn't want to engage with just yet.
"I don't know."
"I'm here." He licked his lips. Tried to compose himself. "Honest. Whatever you need."
"Because I'm pregnant."
"No." His eyes went back to the ceiling above his bunk. "Because." He looked back at her. "I want to be here."
She believed him. She knew him. But she didn't know what to do with him.
"Does Luke know?"
It was an accusation. He was feeling insecure and she supposed that was fair. They were both feeling tired and maybe a little fragile.
"No. Only Mon."
"You told Mon?"
"Mon told me. She saw it on my med chart." Leia smiled thinking about it. It wasn't funny so much as ridiculous. "I'm not sure who was more surprised. Her or me."
"Ruined her image of the virgin princess?"
She threw her best withering stare, though maybe not as effective in the dark cabin.
"It was more that I would be so irresponsible to let this happen. She seemed shocked that I could be so impractical."
She decided it best not to mention that Mon also thought Luke was the father.
"She was quite… insistent isn't the word." She picked up his hand from her knee. Laced their fingers together. "She wasn't trying to force me into anything but she was convinced I would be anxious to have the procedure. I think telling me she had the logistics worked out was her way of comforting me."
He tightened his grip on her hand. His eyes darted over her face, trying to take in any signs.
"She assumed that's what I would want."
"Is it?"
"It does seem like the more practical solution." Mon had reminded her of all her other responsibilities. That so many depended on her, looked to her for guidance and leadership. "When I was on the transport back to Hoth, Luke brought me a cup of kaffe and my first thought was pregnant women aren't supposed to have kaffe."
She told Luke she felt too jittery from the attack and even that felt too revealing. How much could he see into her head? How accessible was this bridge? She trusted Luke but there were a lot of things she didn't want him to know. She should talk to him next time they saw each other. Whenever that happened.
"Wait." Han squeezed her hand again. "Why was Mon looking at your medical chart? Why was there a medical chart at all?"
She pulled her hand away and straightened her back again. Placed a palm on each knee. "There's more."
He reacted as predicted. Furious. He didn't get out of the bunk but sat propped on his elbows, eyes blazing. All the rage she had been unable to express. How could Mon let this happen? How are all attacks on Mon caught in time but this one slipped through? None of them could be trusted. This was betrayal, the ultimate double cross, writ large.
It was satisfying to feel the heat coming from him. His anger and protectiveness. For him, it was another example of them taking advantage of her ingrained and single-minded devotion to stopping the Empire, building a new government. They put the Alliance first and he hated that she let them. She considered letting him continue, basking in that glow, but her practical side won out.
Leia put a hand on his chest. "I'm not going to argue with you this time because I actually agree with almost everything you're saying."
She smiled at his stunned look. He looked more shocked than she told him she was pregnant.
"Why the hell did you wait until now to tell me?"
"It's been a busy few days." She shrugged. "I think I'm still in shock. And, again, if you hadn't suddenly dropped the news you were leaving and the Empire didn't discover the base, Rieekan and I were working out a plan."
He sat up fully, leaning up against pillows and bulkhead. He didn't argue against the plan but she didn't know if he was conceding the point or simply avoiding it. He was in listening mode, though, and that felt significant.
It felt good, almost normal, to give him the overview of Rieekan's plan. They'd had these discussions hundreds of times over the years preparing for missions. Hundreds. So many that she couldn't imagine what her life would be life without this and him.
"It all makes sense except for one thing." He ran a hand over his chin. "You're better off not being around any of them."
"Are you suggesting the safe house option?" She should turn on a light. She needed to see his face to know if he was kidding or not.
"Fuck no!" His hand went back to resting on her knee, his thumb working the pattern. He was in his own planning mode. Touching her absent-mindedly. Working through a problem. "You don't know how deep this goes. Doesn't feel great Mothma had no intel this was in the works. She's got blinders on and that's not good for you."
"I agree but I don't have many options."
"Cos you only see yourself on the front lines."
"I'm here to fight." She was ready to push his hand off her knee. "I am not going to hide."
"But you could lay low for a bit." He squeezed her knee. He knew what she was thinking and was holding on. "Maybe smoke out whoever's behind this."
She was intrigued but not convinced. "How exactly would we do that by lying low?"
Han leaned forward, moved his hand to her thigh. He was talking it through out loud and she loved when he let her see this side. Loved how his mind worked, even when she thought his ideas were pure madness. He bounced around until he hit on the answer then his face lit up like the universe had just unfolded before him.
"They got their guard up now. Working in the shadows so you don't seem them." His thumb started its pattern on her thigh and she felt cheeks reddened. "But they always got their eyes on you. Maybe Mon's assistant worked alone on this job but someone got to her so seems likely they got to someone else too. Gotta be someone who has access to your schedule. Knows the last minute details. Did Mon know you were going to Da'Sim?"
"It's possible." Leia tried to remember. Da'Sim seemed like years ago though it was only months. "All of High Command knew about the supply drop-off. I only decided to go and bring the team when the mission to Steacyn was cancelled."
They paused to look at each other.
"There a connection there?" He narrowed his eyes. "Two cancelled Steacyn meetings, two attempts on your life?"
She shook her head. "I really don't know."
This dance with the Steacyns had been going on since long before the war. They were an independent system with a strong economy and its own well-funded army. The wealthy sector of society had ties with the Empire and much of their industry was built on Imperial contracts but the general populace was against officially joining. Some were quite vocally against it. Bail thought this was the opening the Alliance needed but it was years later and they still hadn't reached anything close to an agreement.
Han moved again, sitting in front of her with his long legs stretched out on either side of her.
"Okay, here's what I'm thinking." Both hands went to her thighs. "If they don't know where you are, they've gotta come looking. They gotta make a move if they aren't being fed the information."
"So your plan is I hide then wait and see if they do something?"
"It's a start. Better than what Mothma had to offer."
Leia scoffed. "That's not a high bar."
She ran her hands over her face again then placed them on his forearms. She felt his taut muscles, took comfort in his strength.
"How long were you exposed?" His voice was low, concerned. "Are you okay? The baby?"
Leia blinked a few times. Baby? She wasn't prepared to hear that word. She wasn't ready to think in terms of a baby. She was adapting to pregnant, the clinical reference, but baby was pushing her too far.
"Everything is fine." She ran her hands up his arms. Concentrated on those muscles.
"I meant what I said, Leia." He wanted her to look at him. "I'm here. For whatever you need."
Her hands moved across his chest. "I know that."
He leaned in, put a hand to her cheek and kissed her. A soft kiss that slid into urgent, almost pleading. He shifted so he could hover over her, barely breaking the kiss as he eased her down into the bunk.
She braced herself on an elbow then placed a hand on his chest. "Wait."
He pulled back. His eyes moving from hers to her lips and back up again.
"Would it be okay if we just slept tonight?"
He did a quick assessment. Checking her level of stress, maybe pain or anger.
"I really am exhausted." Her hand went to his neck, resting so she could tangle her fingers in his hair. She wanted him, the connection. "Everything's hit me all at once."
"Yeah. Sure." His expression softened. "Course."
He laid back down and lifted an arm so she could nestle into his side. Sinking into comfort and safety. Leia thought it might take a few minutes to fall asleep but she barely had time to register his kiss on the top of her head before she was out.
He was gone when she woke up, which was unusual but so was her sleeping for thirteen hours straight. The lights in the cabin were set low, enough that she could see around her but not jarring. She stretched across the bunk. His side was cold so he'd been gone for some time.
It took her a few minutes to fully wake up and she wasn't sure she wanted to shake off those last remnants of sleep. She had dreamt about Alderaan. She was in the botanical gardens, wandering the path. It was vivid. Even lying in the bunk, she could still smell the flowers, the trees. Still feel the light breeze. It wasn't a dream or a memory. She was in the garden. She was home.
When she looked up, the sky was a perfect blue, not a single cloud in view, and she lost herself in the endless horizon. Listened for sounds of home, maybe her parents talking or something familiar from Aldera, but there was only the rustle of leaves. She waited for the turn. The moment when the garden, her family, was ripped from her. She expected the sky to darken. Vader's hand to rest on her shoulder as he forced her to watch. But the only change was the sound of leaves switching to waves hitting a shore.
She was no longer in the garden or on Alderaan. She was lying in a wide bed, similar to the one in her palace bedroom but darker wood and less ornate, with soft white sheets and pillows. It was a beach, small pebbles instead of sand, and a thick forest behind her. It was somewhere new but familiar. She was alone, there was nothing and no one in either direction, but thought she could hear voices. She knew it was coming from somewhere beyond the trees and getting closer.
Leia didn't understand the dream or if there was anything she might learn from it. The only thing she did know was she wasn't afraid. It wasn't ominous. Whatever was coming through the trees wasn't dangerous.
She dragged herself out of the bunk and pulled on her leggings. The fresher mirror confirmed her suspicions that she looked rumpled but decided not to worry. With three weeks in sublight, being rumpled was the least if her concerns.
The ship was quiet and no one was in the lounge so she made her way toward the rear holds. The door to a closet near the gun turret was open so she stopped to look inside. It had been cleared out of the junk and detritus that usually filled it. A chair with a blanket, a table and lamp were set up instead.
"Morning, Princess." Han rounded the corner holding a small crate with coils of wire and tubing. "Or afternoon."
"What's happening in here?" She nodded into the closet.
"You said you needed some place to yourself." He didn't put the crate down as he leaned against the doorframe beside her. "Kinda small, I know, but figured it was a perfect princess size."
It was sweet of him, especially since she had complained about having no space just before throwing a multi-tool at him, but couldn't refrain from rolling her eyes at the size comment.
"Anyway, Princess." He pushed himself off the doorframe and started back toward the lounge. "You slept through your first shift so clock starts now. Find something to entertain yourself cos you're on watch the next six hours."
The first couple of days were a blur of repairs, meals, and a roster of duties as they settled into a routine. Han and Chewie took turns cooking, Leia was in charge of clean-up. She was tasked with reordering the main storage hold, cataloguing the spare parts. It was a make work project but she was happy to be occupied. She spent most of her shifts in the cockpit or the converted closet, sometimes reading or attempting to compose a report, but mostly sitting in Chewie's chair with a mug of tea or curled up with Han in his chair.
They didn't talk about being pregnant, what they would do once they reached Bespin or were back with the Rebels. They didn't bring up his debt with Jabba or trying to resolve it. But they spent hours discussing who was behind the assassination attempts and how to flush them out.
As much as it pained her to admit, Leia thought it was most likely an Alderaanian group. She had a number of vocal opponents and these attacks were feeling personal. Khalia was careful to ensure no one else on Mon's ship was affected by the gas. She wasn't opposed to the Rebels, only Leia.
"Sure, they hate you. You and Bail." Han liked to play with her hair while they talked. Pulling out strands, wrapping them around his finger. "They post holo-vids without wearing masks. They'd be bragging to someone if they almost got you with polcheirin gas."
"They aren't the only Alderaanians opposed to my role in the Rebellion. They're simply the loudest."
"And they're not the only beings in the galaxy with an ax to grind." He was confident in his theory. "Plenty of others to choose from."
Han suspected the Steacyns. Thought there were too many coincidences with attempts on her life and delegations dropping out of talks. Chewie insisted it was the Empire. Removing Leia from the equation fixed a lot of problems for the Imperials. And all the better if they made it look like the Alderaanians were involved. The only point they could all agree on was that the Alliance, most likely High Command, had a serious security breach and Leia wasn't safe.
Maybe no one on High Command was directly involved but information was coming from them.
"Is it ironic that being in an ancient freighter with no hyperdrive is my safest option right now?"
"You're always safest with me, Baby."
That statement didn't feel like a verifiable fact, especially considering he did things like fly them through an asteroid field, but it was true that when her panic, fear or confusion set in, she needed to be near him. It was the only way to calm herself down.
She had never been the type of person who needed another being so intensely, certainly not a partner. She broke up with Saiira at the first inkling of need and now she was seeking Han out in the engine room while he worked because her mind was spinning too fast when she couldn't smell him.
It was mutual, though. They were clinging to each other. He needed to be in constant contact. A hand on her lower back or tracing her spine. Kissed the back of her head or ran a hand along her hip as he walked past. She curled into his side when they were on the bench in the lounge, talking or eating. He often nuzzled into her neck or hair in between comments.
If they were alone, she leaned in or arched her back. Tilted her head he could trail his tongue along her neck and nibble her ear. He pressed up against her from behind, his erection quickly growing, his hand splayed across her abdomen. Sometimes whispering the filthiest things she'd ever heard and they couldn't get to the cabin fast enough.
She needed him as a grounding force but also wanted it more than she could express. More than a few times during their trip, she worried it might overwhelm and swallow her whole. It was about more than desire and release. It was all those things that they weren't saying out loud.
She understood fear, being scared, but it had never paralyzed her before. She could make the hard decisions, face the impossible. Her parents used to tell her that fear or uncertainty should play a role in her decision because over confidence could lead to mistakes. It was something that could inform action but shouldn't dictate it. It was something to work through. Move past.
But she was stuck. Quite literally suspended in space until they reached port. She told herself all decisions could wait. They had weeks. She wanted this time, his touch, his laugh, because soon everything would change and she didn't know what she would find. What was left of the Rebel fleet. If she could trust anyone to plan a mission or work with. She didn't know if Han was leaving and, if he did, if he would come back.
It made sense when her nightmares took on different shapes. Vader was usually present, though only the sound of his mechanical breathing, but she wasn't always on the Death Star. Sometimes she was in a small cell, listening to screams somewhere beyond the walls. Or on a platform with unidentified bodies passing through a colored mist. She knew it had something to do with Bespin. Han thought it was her generalized anxiety about all their unknowns and it was easy to focus on Bespin since that's what lay before them. He was probably right but that didn't make it any easier.
She often woke up clutching the sheets around her. One time she gripped Han's arm so tightly she left nail marks. He had to gently pry off her fingers as he calmly called her name. He instinctively knew how to talk her down. Bring her back to him and their bunk. She felt vulnerable and exposed and loved.
He loved her and she happily soaked in that energy, trying to store it for when she would have to do without.
Because that was the other thing that amazed her on this flight. She was often happy.
They bantered and laughed and enjoyed each other's company. The three of them played sabacc or one of the ridiculous card games Luke used to make up. She listened to their stories about heists and runs that went off track. They lowered the lights in the lounge to tell ghost stories or anything that might give them a scare. Chewie always won that game mainly because Leia only had gentle Alderaanian folk tales and Han claimed Corellia was all a horror story so he didn't know where to start.
She had good dreams, too. She dreamt about Alderaan and home. She distinguished between the two because while she often dreamt of home, it wasn't always in a familiar place. It was like the wide bed that appeared on the shore. Or when she was in a hut in a forest. Or walking through a meadow. She knew it was home. She never saw other beings but they were there. Warm and waiting for her.
Leia could talk to Han about her nightmares but not about these dreams. Maybe they felt too vague or far-fetched. Or maybe they were too fragile and describing them meant exposing the cracks. They wouldn't withstand the pressure of too many eyes on them. She needed to hold on to them as tightly as these last moments. Everything would be ripped away soon enough.
So for days, nearly a week, Leia slipped between these two personas with the only constant being Han. Whatever extreme she landed on, she always needed him.
"Chewie wants to know where you stand on mercil root today?" He leaned against the door frame of her converted closet.
"Seems risky." Leia laid her book in her lap. It was a novel about the Commenor Civil War that seemed wildly historically inaccurate but helped to pass the time. "But I could keep my distance if you two want it."
"Nah. Don't think the ship's big enough."
They discovered the hard way that after enjoying it for days she could no longer stand the smell of mercil root. Everything was fine until she sat down to eat then spent the next hour in the fresher. Han stayed with her most of the time, making her laugh when she wasn't curled over the sani, and getting her fresh water. She had thankfully avoided most of what they called morning sickness but smells were affecting her and it was hard to predict what and when.
He stepped into her room and with both hands on the arms of her chain leaned in to kiss her. "Everything okay today?"
"You don't need to check on me." She smiled. "You'll hear me loud and clear if anything's wrong."
He kissed her forehead and went back to leaning against the doorframe. For a man who spent the first few years she knew him ranting at her shifting demands and priorities, he was remarkably good at going with the flow when it came to her being pregnant. He had his moments of freaking out. She caught him staring, worried and mind spinning, more than a few times but he was as solid as they come when she needed him.
"Was there something else?"
He crossed his arms over his chest. She could've sworn he took a deep breath before speaking.
"What do you want to do, Leia?"
He wasn't talking about dinner.
"Not trying to pressure you one way or another. I swear." He had that pained look he got when forcing words out. Trying to rush through them in case he lost his nerve. "I'm here. Support whatever. You. Whatever you want to do, I'm here. I'm just wondering what you're thinking."
Saying she was trying not to think about it probably wouldn't help.
"I don't know." This room, the closet, was small and getting smaller as she sat in the chair and he loomed in the doorway. "And that's very hard for me to admit. I'm not used to not having the answers."
"Yeah, it's a little odd." He smiled.
"But logically, there's really only one answer." She shifted in her chair to tuck her legs under her. "We're at war. I live on bases or ships. I'm wanted by who knows how many people and organizations at this point. You have a Hutt after you."
He watched he as she spoke. Nodded occasionally. He expected this response but she couldn't tell if he was relieved to hear it.
"I doubt either of us have a clue how to care for or raise a child. We have no family to help or take them like the Damerons do."
She sounded like Mon. She was making all the same points. "I know General Syndulla has her son with her."
"Jacen."
"What?"
"That's her kid's name."
She bit her bottom lip to control the smile. "Suddenly you remember names?"
He did a slightly better job of hiding his smile.
"I'm not sure I could do it. Hera has her Spectre team with her as support." Leia rested her hands on the arms of the chair. "But I can't ask that of anyone else. I know Chewie would be there for us. Luke would want to but he has his own journey even with the war going on."
Saying it out loud made her feel lonely. Her circle was always small. Her parents, a few close friends. Dommin. Advisors and palace staff who had been with her family for years. But it was smaller now and shrinking rapidly considering the latest developments. If Luke continued on his Jedi quest, if Han and Chewie left for Tatooine, then she was completely alone.
"I know I've said this too many times already but it's a crucial time for the rebellion." She watched for his eye roll but it didn't happen. "The Alliance is splintered and I've no idea how much we've lost at this point. But insurgents and cells are popping up every day. Beings are fed up and ready to fight. We need to find them, support them, connect resources. That takes time and energy and risk. How could I bring a child into that world? What kind of mother would I be?"
Her mother was devoted to her people, her work, then the Rebellion. Leia was well-loved and always had her Breha's ear but she was cared for by staff, nurses and tutors. It never bothered Leia growing up because her parents always made time for her. But Leia barely had time to eat on most days. How could she find the time for a child when she didn't have a coterie of staff as support?
"With all that in mind, it shouldn't be a difficult decision."
"But you haven't made one." His voice was edging closer to frustrated. "A decision."
"It's what makes sense." She gripped the chair. "Losing Hoth is yet another reminder that now isn't the time to get distracted."
"Sure." He looked down at his feet. He was struggling again. Searching for the words.
"Did you want to tell me what you're thinking?"
"Already told you." He was taking this as an insult. "Whatever you want, I'm with you."
"Yes. You said." She decided she would prefer to stand. "I'd still like to hear what you're thinking."
His hand went to the back of his neck. His forced casual and trying to buy himself time move.
"I'm with you on all counts. Crazy to bring a kid into any of this. A kid anywhere really. Especially for someone like me." His hands went to his hips as he stepped closer. "I've managed to keep myself alive all this time but a lot of that is thanks to dumb luck. The closest thing I've had to a steady, legit job is running with the rebellion and that's punishable by death according to the Emperor. All I got to my name is a bounty and a mostly broken down ship."
"Are you trying to convince me of something?" She was starting to lose her patience. "Because this speech is a bit confusing."
"Not trying to convince you of anything." He held his hands in front of him. "It's your call."
"Let's just pretend your opinion matters in this conversation."
"I think we should keep it." He waved a hand toward her. "The kid."
"You better be talking about Luke."
The cocky look came back. "I got a good feeling about this, Leia."
"What the hell does that mean?" She threw her hands in the air. "You just said you agreed with my reasoning."
"Since when have I been reasonable?"
"This isn't funny, Han. We've spent days talking about the fact that the Alliance is not a safe place for me right now. We don't know who can be trusted and you want to bring a child into that environment?"
"Well." He went back to rubbing his chin.
"Oh good. There's more."
"Don't think we should go back. Not yet." He was watching her carefully, trying to predict her next move. "We hide out until the kid's born then figure it out from there."
"And what about your bounty hunters?"
"You might be right about that one." He grimaced a little, like it pained him to say it. "Need to rethink the Jabba thing."
She couldn't even be bothered to shake her head. This was an insane idea. Absolutely insane. "Where would we go?"
"I don't know." He raised his hands. "Kashyyyk?"
"It's under Imperial control!" What the hell was his thinking?
"Then somewhere else." He was being calm. Refusing to take her bait.
"You know that's not possible." She wasn't feeling the same level of calm. "You know I can't abandon the rebellion."
"Not saying abandon the rebellion. Saying we could try a different approach."
He was too tall. He took up too much of this tiny room. She wanted to pace, throw her hands in the air. Call him all the idiotic names he deserved for even suggesting this plan.
"I've been having this argument since I was sixteen! A Princess shouldn't fight or put herself in danger. I am not having this argument now!"
"Hey! I didn't say anything about not fighting and there's no place that isn't dangerous for you." He recognized her stress and stepped back, moving to stand in the doorway again. "Saying we could consider other options."
"There are no other options!" She was getting hot. There wasn't enough air in this closet that was supposed to be a room. "You know this about me. The rebellion always comes first and I've never pretended otherwise."
"I know that! I'm not asking you to give anything up." He looked around like he would find the words suspended above his head. "But maybe we could open the field a bit."
"Move!" She noticed a frustrated sigh as she pushed past him. "I can't breathe in here."
Chewie turned as they entered the lounge. He was in the galley area, tending to something on the burner. She didn't have time to acknowledge his presence before spinning to face Han again.
"So, what's your big plan, Hot Shot? Travel across the galaxy picking up jobs and rescuing Rebel cells?"
He didn't respond but the clench of his jaw told her enough.
"I'm not here to fulfill your teenage fantasy! I have real responsibilities. I can't just disappear because my maybe boyfriend's only ambition was having a ship to fly around in."
He told her so little about his past, anything to do with his time before meeting Chewie, and she was mocking him for one of the few things he did reveal. It was what he feared would happen and she couldn't stop herself.
"You should go do whatever makes you happy. I have enough on my plate. I don't need you suddenly deciding to be responsible. I'm not holding you to anything and I'm not holding you back."
[You two need to calm down.]
"Not now, Pal!" Han held up a hand. "Can you give us a minute here?"
"Chewie doesn't have to leave." She crossed her arms. Wondered where she could go to hide now that her tiny room felt off-limits. "We're done talking."
"No. We're not." He spoke in a calm and steady voice, still refusing to give in to anger. "This isn't about being pregnant. Staying out of the way till Rieekan and Mothma get some intel is the smart strategy. You getting killed cos some Rebel has it in for you doesn't help the Rebellion. You want to play the long game, play the long game."
She caught sight of Chewie disappearing down the ring corridor. The Wookiee had the right idea.
"And yeah, you're pregnant. That factors into it but it's not everything. You don't want to have a kid, fine, but don't give me the bullshit that I can't commit when I've been here for three years. Been beside you the whole way. The responsibility thing, sure, I screwed up with Jabba but I've been here for you and all your rebel friends."
"Then you understand the situation." Her hands went on her hips as she began pacing. "I shouldn't have to explain or restate any of this."
"I hear everything you're saying." He was trying to get her attention but she refused to look at him. "I need you to listen to me this time."
She kept moving. Couldn't decide if she wanted arms crossed or hands on hips.
"And don't write everything off just because it wasn't in the master plan you set for yourself when you were seventeen."
"Need I remind you that my plan shifted considerably when they blew up my planet!"
"Lots of other things have changed since then too. You have choices."
"To do what?" She knew things had changed. She knew everything was different. She was different. "I should choose this?"
"Yeah!" She got him. He was finally yelling. "Choose this. Choose something different than the road that's got you in the firing line." He didn't step closer but held her gaze. "You talk about your parents, how they did everything. Ruled Alderaan, ran the senate, started the rebellion and still had time to read you a bedtime story."
"They didn't do it alone! They had help."
"You're not alone!" He ran his hands through his hair before settling them on his hips again. "Not trying to talk you into having a kid. I like the idea of having a kid with you and I think we could do it."
"You think? That's not a good start."
"But if you don't want it then I'm okay with that too." He was rushing the words out again, trying to keep ahead of her interruptions. "I want you. That's my point. And maybe it took being pregnant for it to really hit me but it's where we're at now. So, yeah, I'm saying choose this! Choose a life other than the one that's gonna run you into the ground before you're twenty-five. Choose.."
He stopped. Dropped his head. Rubbed his hands over his face.
He was going to say choose me.
"I'm sorry." Her voice was small. A note above a whisper. It was hard to speak with the lump in her throat. "I'm sorry."
Han shook his head a few times. He looked pained. Worried. "Don't. Don't say you're sorry."
Leia quickly moved in front of him, both her hands grabbing hold of his belt. Tears already running down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry. I can't." She left him wipe away her tears with his thumbs as he cupped her face. ""If I leave… I can't."
She didn't know what would happen if she left only that she couldn't comprehend doing so. If felt like her entire life had led to her role in the rebellion then her entire life had been leading it. She'd told herself there wasn't anything outside this existence for so long that she couldn't see past it. Or how she might fit in it.
"C'mon." He kissed her forehead. Her cheeks. Her lips. "Don't cry. C'mon, Baby."
He lifted her face so she would look at him. Her vision was blurry with tears but she could see him smile.
"We got this. I promise." He wiped away more tears. Tucked hair behind her ears. "I've got you, Leia. I promise. I know. Do you hear me? I know."
She nodded a few times. Pulled away so she could wipe her nose on her sleeve then buried her face in his chest. His arms wrapped around her. He continued whispering against her hair, stroking her back, until her breathing slowed down.
"I know we have to talk about all of this." Leia's voice was muffled against his chest. "But perhaps we could shelve it for now."
"Sure." A soft chuckle echoed against her ear. "Whatever you say, Princess."