CW: Mentions of childhood trauma, mental illness and possible suicide.
"Shouldn't we be doing something?"
"We are doing something." Han growled. This kid was wearing him down. "We're enjoying a drink and keeping watch."
"But Leia is kind of far away." Menek nodded across the square where Leia stood at one of the clothing stalls. "Maybe we should move closer?"
"We can see everything from here." He leaned back in his chair, stretched his legs out like he was enjoying a relaxing ale on a patio. "Chewie's close by if anything happens."
The Wookiee stood a few feet from Leia. He had a bag of her purchases slung over his shoulder as he tried to look more like a helpful servant than a well-armed body guard.
"But what if we have to get to her real fast?"
"I can shoot that far." He took a long drink from his bottle of ale then looked at Menek. "You need to work on your game face, Kid. Drink your ale. Act like you're enjoying yourself."
Menek lifted the bottle to his lips and took the smallest of sips, barely opening his mouth. Han shook his head and went back to looking around and acting casual.
It was early afternoon and the market square was busy with shoppers and tourists. They didn't have an exact time for the drop-off, only distinctive clothing to identify each other and code phrases. It might have been easier if she had said, I'll be the one with the Wookiee, but they didn't want to give that much away. Leia didn't have the particulars on this source, how or why they decided to help out the rebellion, so thought it best to be careful. Han wasn't too crazy about it being her making contact. They had another agent on Rubald who could've picked up and passed on but she didn't want the info to go through the usual relay of messengers. It would take too long and up the chances of getting caught.
She was holding a dress in front of her, looking at herself in a mirror and turning slightly to see herself from different angles. It was a good color. Red. He liked her in red. Maybe that was the kind of thing he should tell her more. She stretched the dress around her stomach, seeing how far the material reached. Apparently not far enough since she hung the dress back up on the rack.
Leia was already big and still had a little more than two months to go. He suggested they measure her girth to see if it was the same if not bigger than her height but the joke didn't land as well as he'd hoped. She didn't even bother giving him an eye roll before walking away. He knew he shouldn't laugh when she struggled to push herself off the sofa but, c'mon, it was pretty adorable. She almost always, and adamantly, refused his help which only made him smile more. She was kick ass and stubborn and getting more and more top-heavy. It wasn't that he thought it was actually funny. It was just hard to not to smile or laugh.
"I came here once as a kid." Menek looked at Han and smiled. "As an actual kid. We went to the System Senate on a class trip. Did some museums. Saw a play. It was fun. Dad came as a chaperone and he took some of us to a smashball game. First big game I ever saw."
Menek turned his bottle around in his hands a few times. Started peeling at the label, picking away at the corners.
"Only big game I ever saw."
"Better watching them in a cantina or tavern anyway." Han kept an eye on Leia as she moved to the next stall. "Drinks are cheaper and fewer assholes."
Han didn't know if that was true—there were more than enough assholes in a cantina—but he never liked being in a crowd that size or not having easy access to exits.
"Dad wasn't big on smashball. We almost never watched it at home."
Menek peeled the label off in one piece and flattened it out on the table top. It reminded Han of drinking as a cadet. Some of the guys, never the ones he wanted anything to do with but that wasn't saying much since he didn't want much to do with most of them, thought a good pick up line was telling a woman peeling off the label in one piece meant they were a virgin. It never went over well and his fellow cadets were too dense to recognize they were the problem. However, it did make it easier for Han to swoop in and steal the show.
"He played cards sometimes but mostly he read. That's how he relaxed." Menek smoothed the label down with his thumb, trying to get all the bubbles out. "He read everything. Fiction. Poetry. History. Picked up stuff wherever he went. Lots of nights he sat in his office reading. Sometimes with the door closed but he didn't mind if I sat with him. Mom always called it his special time but I don't think she thought it was that special. Think it mostly made her mad."
Ishlin getting married a couple months after her husband's death, let alone marrying an Imperial-wannabe flunky, looked suspicious to Han. And it was clearly messing with Menek's head. It sounded like he and his mother were never particularly close but he seemed to be in protection mode with her. Like he needed to stick close in case there was trouble, even though Ishlin looked happy enough with the new arrangement. Leia said everyone experienced grief differently so they should be careful how they interpreted Ishlin's actions. That said, they all took care to treat Ishlin and her new husband with caution.
"You don't have to tell me this stuff." Han watched him work away at the label, using his palm to finish it off. "If you don't want to talk about it."
"No." Menek didn't look up right away. "I like talking about him. Mom's not too into it but it feels like a way to keep him around."
Leia felt the same. She wouldn't talk to just anybody but telling stories about her parents or Dommin or some Alderaan thing kept them fresh in her mind. She cried sometimes but not always. Not so much anymore. He had a working theory that the more she talked the fewer nightmares she had. Or maybe it was being farther away from the war. She had other anxieties associated with being away but there were fewer nightmares.
"Besides, it helps pass the time." Menek smiled at him.
"You should learn to appreciate silence."
"Silence is overrated." He took another tiny sip of ale. "People don't sit together at a table and not talk. That's weird."
"Starting to understand why your old man hid in his office."
Menek laughed. "I don't think he was hiding from me."
Han saw a man step in close to Leia, too close, and touch her arm. Han's hand hovered closer to his blaster, gauging the threat level. Chewie signaled, a small flick of his paw, to indicate Han should stand down. Everything was okay.
Despite dismissing Menek's concerns, he wasn't crazy about sitting so far from Leia. Logically he knew it made sense but he wasn't going to relax being in so open a space with so many beings.
It was their second day on Rubald. The capitol was a busy city but didn't come close to places like Coruscant or Coronet City. It was too clean. Everything was neat and orderly. Han only knew a couple beings who passed through Sulltarr on jobs and the reports were always the same. Not a lot of opportunity to make money off the books. Fewer places to cut loose when the job was done. Han didn't trust it. Even Alderaan had a seedy underbelly. Sulltarr spent too much time claiming to be the safest, the most righteous system in the galaxy. They had to be covering up something.
A group of people walked past Leia and the man and Han lost sight of her. It was only about fifteen seconds but it was a long fifteen seconds. When the group cleared, she was alone and back to browsing.
"Elihan took over the room fast."
Han blinked a few times to refocus. Remember that Menek was talking about his dad in the weird, almost matter-of-fact way he had. He'd decided that Han was his confessor or some shit. Leia said it made sense. Menek missed his father and Han missed Luke so it was a good match. He disagreed. He was old enough to be a father but not Menek's. And he didn't miss the non-stop talking Luke.
"He tossed some stuff before I figured out what was happening. I grabbed a few things but whatever is left is still in the office and Elihan keeps the door locked." Menek leaned back in his chair. Looked around the square trying to take everything in. "Doesn't seem fair that she let him in there without giving me a chance first. You know?"
Han knew. After Jaina, one of the handlers from the home took him back to the apartment to pick up things. Stood by the door and told Han he had ten minutes. He had no idea what to take and didn't fully comprehend that this was his only chance. He grabbed things that mattered to an eight year old. A few t-shirts he liked. A holo of him and Jaina taken the day they went to the beach. Took down a couple drawings pinned to the wall, designs for ships and engines they drew together. Wanted to take the stuffed sand panther, an old, worn and much-loved toy that had been one of the only constants in his life, but knew he'd likely get the crap kicked out of him if another kid spotted it.
He lost everything a couple weeks later. The holo and clothes vanished. The designs ripped up and left on his bunk. Han didn't last long after that. Slipped through a fence and never looked back. The only reason he didn't leave sooner was because it took him that long to realize no one was coming for him.
Han couldn't remember much about his father. He was tall. Had large hands he rested on his knees as he sat on a kitchen chair. His hair was already grey so Han suspected he was a fair bit older than Jaina. The visits were always short and Han kept his distance, which seemed to suit the old man just fine.
"Elihan doesn't even read. He thinks he looks important if he's surrounded by books but he's not fooling anyone." Menek leaned forward again, picked up his bottle but didn't take a drink. "Bet he wouldn't even notice if I swiped half of them. If I could get at them."
Han decided Menek's next lesson would be how to pick a lock and cover his tracks.
He glanced at the chrono inside the tavern. They were still within their window but it was getting close. Pretty soon they'd be having the conversation, argument, whether they should push it a bit longer or get the hell out before being nabbed. This was a Rieekan connection. His agent in Sulltarr identified someone as their occasional source in Governor Hendrill's office and Leia was determined to make it a formal arrangement. As formal an arrangement as espionage work allowed anyway.
It had been a slow start for Leia on Eloira but she'd made up for any lost time. She'd already managed to link up a dozen or so cells through the system. He and Chewie did the drop-offs and pick-ups, Menek came sometimes, and Leia but that was rare, while buying supplies or delivering product. They made regular jumps out of the system to send and receive messages to Rieekan or Mothma and other than a few gatekeepers asking questions, the plan was working.
One bonus side effect of this endeavor was their fake business shaping up into a real one. Realizing it could provide access to otherwise closed doors, Leia convinced Ishlin to sell Han's tables on commission. Whenever possible, Leia rode along on those deliveries. When Burnesh's wife arrived on planet, Leia gave her a hand-crafted tray as a means of introduction, which also doubled as a handy way to get a recording device into Burnesh's house.
Han designed the tray after Chewie demonstrated how Wookiee puzzle boxes worked. Slats of wood sliding past each other to reveal a secret compartment. A simple smuggling trick that he should have thought of earlier. His first thought was to hide data inside a table—hard to spot at checkpoints, easy for the Rebels to retrieve—but then realized it could solve another problem. If Burnesh had visitors, government officials or Imperial, his office and anyone going in or out were scanned for surveillance devices. Any kind of radio or comms signal would be easily picked up by the visiting security. But an old school, close to obsolete recorder would go undetected.
Menek practiced for more than a week to open the chamber with one hand and flip on the recording device. By the time he carried the tray into the office or sitting room, delivering kaffe or sweets, he could do it in a matter of seconds. He was scanned on the way in, flipped the device on then left the tray for the private conversation, and turned the device off as he carried the tray back out.
The recorder was so out of date they needed the old stereo system Han fixed up to listen. Leia sat close to the speaker, writing down and cataloguing everything in case it was information they could use at a later date. All her notes were hidden in her datapad amidst baby information and birthing videos hoping that would distract any nosy parties.
Their big find didn't come from one of Burnesh's meetings, though. It was his wife's holiday weekend with some Coruscant friends as Menek moved around the room serving drinks and picking up snippets of conversation. Most of it was idle gossip but Leia focused in on comments about the Governor's refugee camps.
Lady Burnesh, as she insisted on being called though she had no claim to a royal title, proudly stated that her father's camps made Sulltarr look good in the eye of the Emperor and turned a hefty profit for the system. The fact that the camps were populated by refugees from Selhu and other occupied planets in need of a new home due to Imperial aggression didn't register with Lady Burnesh or her friends. She bragged about her father's foresight in creating work sites, essentially factories, that produced goods cheaply and could be sold at a profit. When someone asked how it worked if the Empire was their biggest customer but also provided most of the supplies, all signed and shipped by Burnesh's department in the Ministry, she sputtered out a quick and flimsy excuse then changed the subject.
It wasn't a lot to go on but Leia felt certain there was more to it. To prove it, she needed access to Governor Hendrill's office.
"Anything else?" The server droid picked up Han's empty bottle and dropped it into its side compartment.
Han looked at Manek and his barely touched drink and figured he could down two before the kid finished his halfway.
"Nah, we're good."
This kid was a mystery. Menek was clearly willing to break laws—he proved it working with his father and the cell and many times since Han and Leia arrived on planet—but he also led a straight and narrow existence. Went to school, worked two jobs, more if Dix or Han needed him. Tried to take care of a mother who, quite honestly, seemed like she'd moved on. He was probably a lot like Leia—focused on serving and helping, making a difference, supporting the cause—but even she cut loose as a teenager. She and Dommin got into some scrapes. She had a short but messy affair with Saiira when not much older than Menek. But maybe she was right about the grief part. Maybe it knocked Menek into being overly concerned and cautious. Like taking more than a sip of ale would send the world tumbling around him.
Han didn't spend a lot of time drinking when he was Menek's age but that was mostly because they had little access to booze. Sometimes Qi'ra got in from her day's run and had a bottle of something. She never revealed her sources, just shrugged and smiled, and they had to keep it lowkey by hiding out in one of their bunks. It was ridiculous how happy those moments made him. Like it was a promise of their life together once they escaped. The two of them against the world.
They were all stolen moments with Qi'ra and he didn't let it bother him. Everything was temporary anyway. Everything a hustle. Needed to grab what he could when he could. He loved Qi'ra and knew she didn't love him back. Not in the same way. There was probably a stretch where she wanted it to be true, tried to make it happen, but she wasn't wired that way. He thought he would be enough, strong or tough, whatever was needed, to get them through to the other side. He was angry after for a long time but maybe mostly at himself. He wanted her to be someone she wasn't and that was a recipe for doom.
Time and experience also told him he was in love with Leia before they slept together. The night on Jerebu when she slept in his tent, tucked into his bed roll and fell asleep without a word, hit him hard. She left the next morning without a word and it didn't bother him. It was their stolen moment and if he played his cards right there'd be more. Convinced himself that was all he needed.
And he almost lost it all before he really had it. Freaked out because he made the mistake of admitting how much he liked and wanted time together. Pissed because she reacted so poorly to his admission and he knew it was going to be Qi'ra all over again. He lashed out by sleeping with someone else, threw up his defenses and claimed it was a perfectly normal thing to do. Where would he be if she hadn't given him another chance? He wouldn't have this life. Leia. The baby. The belief that tomorrow would bring more of the same. Their situation might be temporary but they weren't and he wasn't going to make the same mistake again.
Not that he wasn't immune to the occasional freakout. Nothing that made him want to run but definite wake-up calls to what was happening. When he first felt the baby kick he yanked his hand back like he'd been burnt. Stared at Leia with wide eyes.
"You put up with that?"
"Put up with it?" She laughed. "Do I have options?"
He had no idea what he meant. If feeling that kick almost knocked him sideways with emotion, knowing it was their kid in there, how was she managing with a constant physical connection. It felt like his chest was cracked open, maybe it would never go back to how it was before, and Leia was acting like it wasn't mind blowing to have another being, one they created, moving around inside her. It didn't scare him. He wanted to dive in deeper. He didn't want any of it to feel like a stolen moment even if it sometimes felt like they had to sneak the time in.
Things were still busy. Same as it was on base with runs and missions and briefings. Same as it was when he was picking up jobs, trying to get through them fast and intact, then finding the next one. He still felt the itch to fly, craved hyperspace tendrils and an ocean of stars, but he liked coming home. They were never going to be normal in the conventional sense but this not living on the run business was good. He spent so many years running and, as it turns out, he liked standing still if it was with Leia.
If he was in the shop or on the Falcon, he liked knowing she was only a few hundred feet away doing her thing. He liked being in a room with her while she worked, did whatever. Maybe it was that honeymoon phase people talked about. Or the nesting that Chewie claimed had taken over his brain. Or maybe it was knowing he was damn lucky to have her and he wanted to soak up as much as he could. Because really, how the hell did this become his life?
He still got a bit of a thrill holding her hand in public. Letting everyone know they were together. That they belonged to each other. She often had her arm wrapped around his waist, his arm over her shoulder, as they walked through town. Her called her Baby in front of people and she didn't send a single warning glare. He entertained the idea she was doing it for their cover. Acting out how one expected a married couple to behave but everything felt too natural for that to be the case. He knew the truth.
And it wasn't just him. Leia was frustrated, sometimes angry about being cut off from the main action but the other Leia, the slightly goofy, very funny, more relaxed version emerged a lot more. She enjoyed dinners and spending time with Aendi and Dix, not rushing off with some excuse so she could work. Read to the girls, played games with them, talked about fashion and dolls and things Han never considered Leia having an interest in. One afternoon he came in from the shop to find her in the living room, the stereo cranked loud and singing along to some pop song he didn't know. She watched him walk inside, raise an eyebrow at her, but she wasn't embarrassed and she didn't stop. Continued singing, now looking right at him, and smiling. He leaned back against the wall, laughing at her over-the-top gestures accompanying the lyrics, not wanting to break this spell.
She worked it on others, too. Somehow convinced Tank, who didn't like to venture too far from family and tavern, to teach her how to make sauces and jams. Han sat in the living room and watched as she carefully followed Tank's instructions, chopping and stirring, and asked questions that often had little to do with the task at hand. Tank usually responded with terse answers, especially concerning his time in the army, and likely regretted admitting to having brief encounters with Bail on Coruscant.
But he had plenty to say about the history of Eloira. The trio of planets called the Harmonies that co-existed, shared a religion, until the Sulltarr System was formed a millennium earlier. He told her the legends, the origin stories, why they share common terrain and traditions. He wasn't quite animated, that would be an exaggeration, but he was enjoying himself.
Leia loved it. Her face lit up. Asked a thousand questions. Han wasn't much interested but liked watching her. Listening to her laugh. Best sound in the galaxy he'd heard so far.
It was a bit odd to not live in the same space as Chewie, though. He was used to the Wookiee being the first being he talked to in the morning. Or not since they could go long periods on a flight without speaking. They had heart-to-hearts but there wasn't much call for them. It was understood Chewie missed home and wanted the Empire out so Kashyyyk could be free so it didn't come up often. Between Qi'ra and Leia, not a lot hit Han hard. If it came down to them doing some bleeding heart act to help someone out, their only acknowledgment was Han muttering yeah, yeah and waving Chewie off. They didn't need to talk most things through.
Chewie had settled in, too. The clearing behind the house was just big enough for the Falcon, her black matte finish blending in with the trees, and he had planted a small garden of winter vegetables along the forest edge. He hired himself out, moved equipment, did any heavy chore, and took advantage people forgetting Chewie could understand everything they were saying. Lot more information about bad marriages than Imperial activity so far but Leia was hopeful.
"I looked up the rules. And, you know, tips and stuff."
Han stared at Menek. Had the kid been talking this whole time?
"For sabacc." Menek saw the confusion in Han's eyes and decided to help him out. "Played the computer a few times. I lost but I'm getting better."
"You can't learn sabacc from a computer." Han growled. Furrowed his brow. "Cards is about reading your opponent."
"So let me play in your game."
"It's not my game."
"I bet you played cards when you were my age."
"I did a lot of things when I was your age."
Menek leaned back again, relaxing into his seat, but he looked determined.
"I'll talk to Dix. He'll get me in."
"Go crazy, Kid." Han waved his hand. "I really don't care."
It wasn't Dix's game either. One of the tavern regulars hosted and Han, sometimes Chewie, sat in when they needed extra players. It was a bit too laid back for his taste, though. Mostly people looking for a night out and change of pace. Companionship. More time was spent drinking, smoking cigars and talking shit than actually playing cards and Han couldn't do much except listen and occasionally trash talk. He had no stories to tell even if he wanted to because Pon Atere didn't do the Kessel Run and had no experience with bounty hunters and the Hutts. So that left him with smoking and drinking.
He only let it get too far once. It was one of those days when he and Leia weren't fighting exactly but were picking at each other. They had lost the trail for a contact on one of the outer planets and she was feeling disheartened. Wanted to get back in the fight where they had resources and could make a difference. He was pissed that she refused to acknowledge Rieekan's last message. Jorga had reported in saying Leia was mentioned by name on the boards. There was speculation whether she was alive or dead, some claiming sightings on distant planets. Nowhere they had been but the chatter was enough to worry him.
Han had no idea how many drinks he had by the end of the night. Or how he got home, though Chewie likely took charge of that one. He was lighting up another cigar, telling Dix he was full of shit for thinking anyone could beat the Dreadnaughts, and then he was getting in the shower in their first floor fresher. Nothing in between.
The shower sobered him up a bit. Not much but some. He found clean sleep clothes in the pile by the autovalet. Considered having another drink, thinking maybe it would even him out, but it also seemed like a lot of effort and sitting was easier. It had been a while since he was this trashed. Probably a couple of years. One of those early runs for the Rebels when he was feeling extra cocky after ending the Death Star. Back when he thought he'd only be with the Rebels for a few months.
No. He remembered. The last time he was got blind drunk was after he fucked things up. When Leia repeatedly asked why he didn't leave and he pretended to not hear her. Luke was right. He probably would've been kicked off base for brawling. He was pissed at Luke for trying to set him straight but grateful now. He should thank Luke someday.
Han could remember Jaina drinking occasionally but had no recollection of her being drunk. Said she didn't like the sluggish feeling that came with too much alcohol. She already had enough trouble with the drugs making her feel cloudy. She was always trying to find the right balance and it was a routine that repeated itself constantly. Things worked for a while and then they didn't.
People thought she drank. More than one concerned citizen ratted on them, calling her drunk and erratic. As an adult, he understood what set them off but that didn't make it right. They could have talked to Jaina rather than judging from a safe distance then patting themselves on the back for good deeds done. He was never in any real danger. Never felt unsafe. Maybe had a couple days where he had to fend for himself, for her, but it wasn't a big deal. He could handle things on his own for a bit if he had to.
When the school nurse called him in to ask about his dirty clothes, ask why he wasn't bringing a lunch to school, he lied. Made up some story about Jaina busy at work, he gave his lunch away, whatever. The nurse didn't believe him. Said she'd seen Jaina, knew she drank or worse, and it wasn't a safe place for a little boy. His mother had one chance to come in for an appointment or the authorities would be involved.
There was no way he was going to let that happen. He tried staying home for a few days, it was easier to keep an eye on her anyway, but the fucking nurse showed up at their apartment. Brought him some cooked food and asked to see his mother. He refused to open the door more than a crack. Said Jaina was at work. He became acutely aware that the place probably smelled and was so angry he thought he might cry. The only thing that saved him was the woman across the hall coming out. She told the nurse to get out then pushed her way past Han and locked the door behind her.
"Don't let her kind make you feel like less. She's doing this to make herself feel better. Got nothing to do with you."
Han was confused by the whole affair. Until that moment, other than glaring at him a few times, the woman had barely acknowledged his existence. She moved quickly around the apartment. Opened windows. Filled up the sink with water and dumped dishes in. Ordered him around as they cleaned things up. The place actually looked half-way normal when they were done.
"You stand on your own or you don't stand at all." The woman looked back at him on her way out. He didn't think she was angry but also not very friendly. "No one else is gonna save you. Not without taking a piece of you with them."
After that, if Jaina hit a rough patch, he made extra sure to do the laundry. Packed a lunch that looked like an adult made it. He stopped answering questions about Jaina and started watching people on the street more closely. When Jaina was feeling better she noticed the difference, told him he didn't have to be so tough, but he knew that wasn't true. He wasn't tough enough.
Because if she thought he was tough then, she should've seen him when he went in the home. He had lost everything and knew he had to start over. Told himself It was better that he didn't have anything to weigh him down. He was travelling light. He let himself cry that first night and never again. He saw what happened to kids who cry. Knew it was hard to fight when blinded by tears.
What would Leia think if she knew he didn't stick up for any of those kids? She was willing to give her life for beings she never met. Just knowing that someone, anyone, suffered was enough for her. He watched, let kids harass, pick on and beat up other kids because it meant he got through another day. She'd never look at him the same way again if she knew he turned away when a kid was crying and needed help. He ran away rather than try and make it better for anyone else.
There's no coming back once learning something like that. Or knowing about Jaina.
Han knew how people saw Jaina. He got it. He understood people saw chaos, thought they saw neglect. Leia was going to worry about anyone in those circumstances and she loved him so it would be hard to see past it. He didn't want his daughter going through what he did but he also wouldn't change his childhood. Not the Jaina part. As shit as some of it was, as much as he stressed about protecting her, that only captured part of it.
He was loved as much as Leia was, as much as Luke. As Calla and Basia. Everyone would focus in on Jaina not getting out of bed or being awake for what seemed like days filled with anxiety or paranoia. And even when things were good, he had almost no rules. No bedtime. No set mealtimes or any structure other than school and he was the one who chose to go. She would've been happy to keep him at home, let him learn on his own. She was curious about everything and encouraged it in him, as well. When she wanted others around, everything and everyone revolved around her. Beings were drawn to her and she could light up any room she was in. She took care of people when she could and shut everyone out when she couldn't.
Han was moving past drunk and settling into exhausted. His body was fading, sinking deeper and deeper into the sofa, but his mind was tripping over too many things at once. Things he realized he didn't want to let go of. He couldn't picture Jaina as a grandmother. Being anything other than the mother he knew. She was locked in when she left him. Died. Short brown hair she cut herself. Soft voice. Booming laugh. He didn't know how old she was but guessed young. Probably younger than he was now but that was only a guess. He tried to remember the last thing she said to him but it was lost. Most likely wasn't anything big. Told him to take his coat or not slam the door. Nothing that suggested there wouldn't be another.
He woke up freezing on the floor with Leia standing over him. He blinked a few times to take her in, determine if she was real or a dream. She wore one of his t-shirts, stretched to its limits to accommodate the baby, and a large, slightly ragged cardigan she bought in town. Socks pulled up to her knees, covering her Hoth leggings that looked a bit dingy after so many washes. She was holding a datapad against her chest.
"Hey, Sweetheart." His voice was more of a croak. His mouth feeling dry and pasty.
"The heater's not working again." She didn't sound or look mad. She was almost smiling. Looked more like a vision with the morning light behind her. Something he couldn't quite believe was a part of his life.
He dragged himself off the floor as she went to turn on the kettle. The heater was tricky. They needed to replace it but it was so old there were almost no parts available and a new one required ripping the wall apart to install. Since they were only staying for a few months, they decided to live with work arounds but the work arounds required work arounds. He pulled the panel open, went through the sequence of switches and dials and waited for the quiet hum of the heater coming back to life.
"Did you win any money?" She put two slices of bread into the toaster. "Was the drinking a celebration or consolation?"
He rubbed both hands over his face then through his hair. Walked over to the laundry pile and pulled out a still dirty sweater. He didn't have the strength to run upstairs for a clean one.
"Not sure." The last thing he remembered he was up a few but that could've turned. "No one's making big bets. Chewie would probably knock the cards out of my hands if I tried."
"Maybe we need to find you a better game."
He eyed her suspiciously before kissing her forehead. She was clearly up to something.
"Maybe Burnesh and his cronies are interested. It might be a good way to get access." Leia rubbed her stomach as she considered her plan. "Though no drinking at that one."
"No one's gonna trust a card player who doesn't drink."
"I doubt that's true."
He watched her move around the kitchen. She hadn't slowed down much but one hand rested on her stomach like she needed to hold it in place. She had cut her hair again to keep up the disguise. Kept it tucked behind her ears, sometimes held strands in her mouth while she worked. Her skin glowed this morning. Practically lit up the room. He had everything, more than he thought ever possible, and the last Princess of Alderaan was wearing clothes from a charity shop.
"Why are you staring?"
Han shook his head and ran a hand over his chin. "Why do you think?"
He moved in. Pressed her against the counter as her hand went to his chest.
"I know the look and that's not what you were thinking."
"That's always what I'm thinking."
He ran a finger along the side of her neck than hooked it on the collar of her shirt and pulled. She laughed and took his hand, removing it from her shirt.
"True." She stepped forward making him step back. "It's one of your more reliable qualities."
She grabbed a plate and some jam and moved to the table.
"I can make you something." His head hurt. He needed kaffe, painkillers and a vat of water. "What do you want?"
"Toast is fine." She pushed the small step over with her foot then got herself up on the stool. "I need to review a few things. I'll eat my next round after I shower."
Han leaned against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest. Looked up at the skylight above Leia and thought about Corellia. The apartments he had with Jaina. With Bets and the streets. The sewers. His years in his ship and space. He hadn't spent enough time staring at the sky. Any sky. He always thought it was the stars that calmed him but maybe it was the sky this whole time.
"Did something happen last night that I should know about?"
She looked over her shoulder at him.
"No." He straightened up. "Why?"
"Just checking." She turned on the stool to face him. "Remember, I will find out if anything happened and it's best to get ahead of it."
"Nothing happened."
"Okay." She narrowed her eyes, raised a brow, before turning back around. "If you say so."
He slipped his hands around her, cupping below her belly. He nudged her hair away and nipped at her neck. Her hand went to his cheek and she leaned back to kiss him.
"I'm serious. I need to focus on this right now." She rubbed her hand along his jaw. "Maybe don't shave that off, though. That might be fun later."
She ran her hand along his jaw one more time before returning to her datapad. He lingered for a few moments more with his head cradled in the crook of her neck.
Menek sat up straight when he saw a woman approach Leia. He really needed to work on the act casual part of surveillance. Han watched them exchange a few words then start a slow walk past stalls. They stopped occasionally, looking like two friends shopping together and catching up. Chewie stayed a few paces behind them. He didn't look casual but Wookiees rarely did.
By the time she reached them at the table, the other woman was gone and Leia was carrying a new bag.
"Gentlemen, I would like to go home now." She handed Han the bag as he stood up. "I'm exhausted. My feet hurt. It feels like the baby has doubled her weight since this morning and I would really like to be in my bed."
His hand went to her lower back, applying a small amount of pressure with his thumb. She smiled and let out a small sigh.
"Whatever you say, Sweetheart."
With hands on the sink, Leia leaned forward to get a better view of herself in the fresher mirror. She didn't look overly tired but felt pushed to her limits. Swollen feet and sore back, sore everything, the baby pressing against her organs. Moving around, let alone standing up and sitting down, were difficult. It took her twice as much time to do anything and she didn't have twice the amount of time to get things done.
Her sleep had been erratic lately. She found it hard to make it through an entire night without needing to use the fresher or waking up from various aches and pains. The doctor confirmed everything was good, everyone was healthy, and it was perfectly normal to feel uncomfortable and tired of it all by this point but that did little to ease her frustrations. She still had to make it through five more weeks of this and she was already over it.
There was some concern about Leia's tiny frame and this being her first baby but nothing the doctor hadn't seen before. It bothered Han they didn't know what happened to her mother. Didn't know if she died during childbirth. It upset him enough that he made the arbitrary decision to stay on planet until the baby was born. Leia thought that was a ridiculous response. The work wasn't going to stop when they had the baby and it certainly couldn't stop now. They had been arguing about it for a week and he wasn't backing down. It was terrible timing in her opinion but Han wouldn't listen.
She finally had a conversation with Rieekan and, although he couldn't provide much detail, there was a sense that things were coming to a head. They had long suspected the Empire was up to something in the Modell Sector and recent reports of large shipments to the Endor System, some coming through Burnesh's Ministry office, confirmed these suspicions. The general consensus was another Death Star was under construction. High Command had called for the fleet to regroup near Sullust, preparing for the next big fight.
"Perhaps it's time for us to come back, too." Leia stared out of the Falcon's viewport as she spoke. "I think we could offer more by being directly involved. Help plan what's next."
"You've already provided important information. You've discovered a good pipeline of Imperial activity." Rieekan's voice was remarkably clear coming over the comms.
"We've picked up a few side comments at parties."
"That led to supply lists going into the refugee camps slash factories in Sulltarr. We know the goods coming out are consistent with those used to construct a space station. We've seen all this before."
They knew the Empire used prison labor to build the Death Star so it only made sense that camps purportedly for the re-establishment of displaced beings would be used in a similar fashion. They had also recently discovered several tiers to the camp system. Some beings were selected for special jobs and promised more pay, usually young men without any family ties, and moved to a different location. While others, labelled troublemakers, were removed from the general populace. Neither group were heard from again.
"Which is all the more reason for us to return. If there's going to be a battle, we want Han and Chewie in the mix. Especially since we don't know where Luke is or when he'll be back."
"Skywalker checks in." Rieekan was moving between stern General and tolerant father-figure, trying to both correct and sooth her. "He knows what time frame we're working with. He said he would be back."
She hadn't heard from Luke since he returned to his training but she did wonder if he made other attempts to contact her. It was hard to explain the feeling, more of a presence or understanding that he was there. Another extension of the bridge he built when they meditated together. Thankfully, it was nothing like the pain and distress she felt when he was hurt. This felt more like a quiet strength.
"Then even better if we're all there to fight."
"Chancellor Mothma thinks you're safer where you are for the time being." His voice cracked over the comms system and Leia worried they might lose contact. "General Madine agrees. He has agents monitoring chatter, feeding information of false sightings of you and gauging reactions."
"I'm still not convinced it was wise to bring Madine into this conversation. And it feels risky to have agents engage in the matter."
"Attempting to determine what information is out there is a common tactic." Now he was speaking to her like she was a child. "And your concern doesn't change the fact that assassination attempts against you were real. One of Madine's agents has been in contact with a being claiming to be Second. He thinks he's close to making a significant discovery."
"Surely, that's not Madine's focus right now. There are much more pressing matters."
"Another reason why Mon thinks you need to stay put. We're working on the assumption that the Emperor and Vader are equally confused about your whereabouts and whether or not you're alive. They've made no attempt to propagandize your missing in action status, which they surely know, most likely because they don't want to look like fools if you return. It's causing a nice disruption in the news cycle." Rieekan's small chuckle echoed around her. "And concern over your well-being has inspired positive reactions. More uptake in recruitment. The Alderaanian diaspora have seemingly united, at least to some degree, in response. King Jahn released a significant amount of funds that will go a long way to support this campaign."
This was starting to sound like the Alliance was prospering due to her absence. She rested her elbows on the arms of the pilot's chair, hands on her stomach, and tried not to let this feeling get away from her.
"High Command is otherwise in the dark about your circumstances. General Galadotte has made it her personal mission to discover the truth. Feels the galaxy needs to know the fate of the Last Princess of Alderaan."
"We don't want her looking too closely." Leia noted that Galadotte's mission didn't mention Han or Chewie. "I hope Mon is doing her best to curb this campaign."
"She tries." Rieekan cleared his throat. "Leia, you should know, Mon has regrets about the last time you spoke. She's admitted to me she didn't handle it very well."
Even though she was alone in the cockpit, Leia kept a neutral expression. Didn't react or show any emotion.
"That's nice of her to say." She ran her hands over her stomach. "It was a difficult situation. Confusing. It was a lot for me to take in, as well."
Blindsided was more like it. Too overwhelmed to even be terrified so she settled on angry.
"How are you feeling, Leia?" His voice was gentle. "Are you doing well?"
She laughed. "Apparently I am as big around as I am tall."
Rieekan chuckled.
"I have more aches and pains then I knew possible and I'm not sure how this pregnancy thing ever caught on but yes." She continued to rub her stomach as she smiled. "I'm good. We're good."
She heard Han come back up the stairs and move around their room. Knew he was checking the heater panel before putting a mug of tea on her table beside the bed. They had a busy morning ahead of them, errands and collecting things for the baby's room, but they were on the fifth straight day of rain and neither was quite ready to face it.
They were warned Eloiran winters were grey and wet but living through it was still an adjustment. The moments of sunshine were brief, never long enough to dry up the puddles and mud. But their house was warm and their big bed with thick quilts even more so. The only thing that would have made it better was if the fireplace actually worked. She told Han and Chewie not to worry about it since they might be gone before the end of winter and she regretted her lack of foresight on that issue.
She laughed as she left the fresher and saw him back in bed. He was sitting up, leaning up against his pillows like he was waiting for a breakfast tray. His hair still a mess from sleeping.
"Did you forget we have a lot to accomplish today?"
"You don't want to go out in that." He gestured toward the windows. "No one wants to be out in that."
The wind and rain whipped against the windows, the tree tops swaying in the background. She had always loved the rain growing up, found thunder and lightning thrilling, but this was something else entirely. Grey, intense, brutal and cold.
He pulled back the quilt for her, nodded that she should sit down.
"If I get back in bed it will take hours to get back out."
"Still don't see the issue, Sweetheart."
She sat down somewhat awkwardly, shimmied back into position against her pillows. He dropped the covers over her lap and made a show of tucking her in.
"You're up to something." She turned slightly toward him, bending her legs so knees rested against his thighs. "Getting me back in bed isn't strange. Sitting and watching me is."
"Sweetheart." His hand went to his chest. "Just looking out for you."
"We can't stay in bed all morning. We need to pick up the crib and bassinet today. There's a lot on the list and we're already cutting it close. I also want to check in with Ferra to see if she got the flight history on that transport. Did you talk to Ishlin about delivering the table? I could go with you."
Han reached around her and grabbed her mug from the table, handing it to her. "Relax"
"I'm not not relaxed." She held the mug with both hands. It was hot but she didn't mind. "But I'm also not ignoring that there's still a lot to do and we don't know what things will look like a month from now."
The doctor gave them holos to watch on childbirth and nursing and caring for an infant that were only somewhat reassuring. They both moved through the world under the assumption that they could figure anything out. She liked to prepare, leaving as little to chance as possible, while he was more improvisational in his approach, and they were both confident they would master whatever lay ahead. But every info-holo they viewed, every piece of unsolicited advice, prompted more questions than answers.
Advice on understanding what each cry meant. To sleep when the baby sleeps or clean the house when the baby sleeps. Set the baby's routine or follow the baby's lead. Let the baby sleep in their bed or put the baby in their own room. Breastfeeding was best, though sometimes difficult, so they should push through the challenges and keep trying. Unless it wasn't working and they should stop. And, if that was the case, how did she know the difference between a challenge and a dead-end. Women stopped her in the street, touched her stomach without asking, which never went over well if Han was with her and ready to slap the woman's hand away. Told her all the things she simply must do and they were rarely the same things. A few went so far as to claim it was irresponsible to not follow their advice precisely. Leia's diplomacy always took over in those moments but that may have also been due to shock and exhaustion. How exactly was she supposed to react? She was eternally grateful when Aendi was there and shut down the conversation, saying they needed to get moving, and whispered in Leia's ear as they walked away.
"Ignore them." Her voice friendly but edging on fuck them. "Do you think there's something deficient with Basia because she didn't breastfeed? And we have no idea about Calla. There's more than one way to bond with your baby."
Aendi's general point was they needed to meet the baby to know what to do. There was medical advice, rules to follow, but so much depended on the baby and how she and Han worked together.
"Dix and I can help. Or just hover if that makes you feel better." Aendi never pressed attention or concern on Leia but remained a steadying force. "And Tank is great with babies. Basically a wall of quiet comfort. We probably would've gone mad those first few months if Dad hadn't been so available to give us breaks. It's all overwhelming and that's normal. You need to remember that part."
It wouldn't be like that when they got back to the fleet. She and Han had avoided the topic so far, in part she knew because it would mean a fight. He wouldn't want to return until they knew who was behind the plot but they likely couldn't wait that long. She also sensed Han liked the space they had built together on Eloira and she didn't know if she could argue against that point. Despite the prevailing feeling that she was abandoning the cause, she was going to be sad to leave this behind.
"We need to make cookies, too." She sipped from her mug and put it back down. "I suppose that means we also need to go shopping."
He put his mug back down on his table. "Don't get why you told Calla we would."
"She asked about Sgoogan Solstice traditions. I had to say something."
"Sure, I get that. But now we've got to figure out what a wuli nut cookie is."
"She's not going to know if we get it wrong." The baby kicked and Leia winced, her hand going to her side. "C'mon, little girl. Play nice."
She closed her eyes, ran both hands over stomach in a soothing motion. Breathed deeply hoping that would calm things down again.
"Everything okay?"
"No." She opened her eyes, turned to look at him. "Yes."
She slid down in the bed and rolled on her side. Tucked a hand between her cheek and pillow.
"I'm getting tired of this." She sighed. Almost pouted but caught it in time. "I know five weeks seems like nothing to you or the doctor but I need this to be over. Tired of feeling like I'm bursting at the seams."
"Yeah, five weeks feels like tomorrow to me."
"Well, trust me, it's not." She turned her head up to look at him. "And I hate that I am going to say this, that I am being this person, but I'm huge and we're going to a Winter Solstice dinner and I have nothing to wear."
"It's Aendi and Dix." He lifted his hands. "Do you think Tank is dressing up? Me?"
"I don't care what you and Tank wear."
"You wore a uniform for three years and didn't have one that fit until Hoth."
"It matters to me." She nestled further into her pillow. "It's a Solstice dinner and I'd like to look nice. I'm not saying I want a formal outfit but I would like to not look like I'm wearing a sack. Or an outfit that would fit Tank. Or a tank."
He raised an arm over her head, ran fingers through her hair. "You could buy something, Leia. We're not that poor."
"I'm not wasting money on a dress I'll only wear once or twice and won't need a month from now."
She thought of her closet on Alderaan. Dozens upon dozens of dresses and outfits she wore once, a few times at best. Some were auctioned off for charity but too many hung on their hangers and were never touched again.
He ran his hand over her stomach. "She calm down?"
She nodded. "I think so."
"How about you?"
"I'm fine." She bit her lip. "But I would really like to not be pregnant anymore."
He swept some hair back from her face. He watched his thumb as it ran along her cheekbone. Lifted his eyes to meet hers when she pulled his hand closer and kissed his palm.
They both turned toward the stairs at the sound of the backdoor. Chewie must be coming in to make himself breakfast. Or maybe lunch. The Wookiee got up early, earlier than her these days, so who knows what meal he was on by this point.
"Are you going to tell me what's bothering you?" She held his hand close to her chest. "I'm guessing it's something more than not wanting to face the rain."
His jaw clenched. He squirmed. Looked like he was considering bolting but kept his hand in hers. He took a quick drink of his kaffe, almost like taking a shot of whisky, then slid down on to his side to face her. She could see him gathering strength to speak and wanted to save him from this stress but loved that he was attempting this for her.
"Jaina."
She laughed. "Excuse me?"
He didn't turn away.
"That's my mother's name. Jaina."
Her mind immediately started reeling, looking for a place to land. This was diplomacy 101. Stay calm and don't over react to new or surprising information. Take it in stride. Act like you expected it. Her eyes stayed locked on his. He didn't look upset. Maybe a little nervous. The spark of Han's vulnerability she knew well now and they both treated with care. She saw it sometimes when they were making love and he called her baby in a low and primal voice. Told her he wanted her. Needed her. When he repeated Tell me your mine, whispered, sometimes so quietly she wasn't sure she had heard him. When he couldn't find the words but she knew. The way he swallowed. His eyes softening. Asking her to see beyond the gruff exterior. She always responded by moving closer. Smiling. A small nod. Whatever he needed in that moment to know she understood. She would open up, hold him close, give him the sanctuary he needed.
But now she was stuck, staring at him, clueless about what to do next. She had accepted there were certain things she would never know. She didn't like it but she couldn't change him. She wanted more of him but only when he was willing to give it. He never forced her to talk or deal with things she wasn't ready to address but was available whenever she was ready. She wanted to do the same for him and now it was happening, at least she thought so, and she didn't know what to do.
"You're gonna have to ask questions." He flashed his half-smile. "It's the only way you're going to get any information."
She sat up. It was slow going and required his help and she scowled when she saw his smile. It took another few moments to arrange herself, facing him with legs crossed beneath her. He was sitting up again, leaning against his pillows, holding his kaffe mug.
"Because you don't want to talk?"
"Don't know what to say."
Leia nodded a few times.
"So, Jaina." Did she sound like she was stalling for time? "What did she do?"
"What did she do?"
"For a living."
"Your first question is about her employment status?"
Leia took a deep breath. "You caught me off guard. I would have come prepared with questions and notes if I had any idea this information was coming."
He covered his small smile by drinking from his mug again.
"Don't know. Think it was some kind of engineering. Or designer. She didn't go to an office but had projects sometimes. Not sure what they were." He looked up at the skylight for a moment and didn't look like he stalling for time. "Not sure it was always paid work, though. Think some of them were her own stuff. Not positive where she got money. My father sometimes."
"You saw your father?"
He shifted against the pillows. Pushed himself up straighter. Almost crossed his arms over his chest but let them fall to his sides instead.
"He didn't want anything to do with me." He stared at her. Looked angry, defiant. Like she might challenge him on that point. "Only met him a couple times. Meet might not be the right word. We nodded at each other. Wouldn't even say my name. Called him Boy. Could barely look at me. Jaina usually played nice so guessing he was delivering money."
"Was that unusual? For Jaina to play nice?"
His jaw clenched and she saw his anger flare. He didn't look at her but she could see his eyes darken.
"We don't have to talk about this." Leia squeezed his hand. "Honestly. We don't need to do this."
She wanted to know about his past. Wanted him to feel comfortable enough to tell her. But they were fine if he needed to keep it to himself.
"I know." He squeezed her hand back. She could see he was trying and it tugged at her heart. "Jaina was nice. But she could be… difficult. Things sometimes got messed up."
He looked at their hands, their fingers laced together. She pulled his closer, kissed his knuckles.
"I heard them fighting once. Jaina made me go in the other room but I picked up some. Guess she showed up at his house or work or something. He was furious cos his wife almost found out."
"He was married."
Han shrugged. "Seems so."
"Does that mean you have siblings? Half-siblings."
"Suppose." He held her hand in his lap. Used both thumbs to massage her palm. "Jaina never said. I never asked."
"You had no other family?"
"She had family. I never met them."
"On Corellia?"
"Things were bad with her parents." He kept his eyes on their hands. "Not sure about the details but know they sent her to a hospital when she was a teenager. She seemed pretty convinced they'd do it again if they found us."
Leia's first instinct was to hug him. Hold him close and say I love you. But she knew that might also send him running. He might interpret it as pity.
"Look at me." She smiled when his eyes caught hers. "I don't have anything to add. I just wanted you to look at me."
He laughed, more of a chortle, and seemed to relax.
"I need you know she wasn't a bad mother. She had bad times and I had to, I dunno, figure some things out too young, but so what. You had to take on way more than a kid should, too, 'cept you had money and servants."
"True." She tilted her head. "But I was also in a very safe environment."
"I was safe." He was holding his temper. Trying to anyway. "Jaina never did anything to put me in danger."
He let go of her hand. Ran his hands over his face a few times.
"Sometimes that meant moving out of apartments quick. Middle of the night kind of quick. Usually cos she thought her parents found us or the neighbors were too nosy." His hand went to her knee. "She sometimes had to spend time in bed, needed it dark, but we always had a place to live. Always had food. And if things were bad or when things were spinning too fast, things piled up too high, she always had some kind of plan for me."
"What plans?"
"Look, I know now they weren't good plans but my point is that she had them." He rubbed his chin again before continuing. "If anything happened to her, I needed to stay away from her parents. She said my father would come for me. Got it into her head, if anything happened to her, he'd take care of me. Not sure how she figured that one. Or I should find Sissy. Sissy will take care of you."
"Who's Sissy?"
"No clue. Never met anyone named Sissy." He threw Leia a cocky grin, the kind that used to infuriate her. "And my father definitely didn't come looking for me."
"That must have been scary. To hear your mother say something could happen to her." She knew immediately she had said the wrong thing. Reframed it as her own experience. "I was always aware that my mother had health issues. There were times when she was laid up in bed for days. No one ever said how serious things were but it was scary. It was one of the few times they let me miss school. I snuggled in bed with her. We talked. Sometimes I read to her. Of course, I didn't realize until later that they were actually having me do schoolwork."
His half-smile hit her hard. He looked handsome and ruffled and trusting.
"Jaina liked me reading to her. Didn't matter what. Magazines. Manuals. Novels. I think she liked the distraction. Something to focus on."
"Maybe the sound of your voice. I bet that was good for her, too."
"Yeah." His eyes roamed over her face like he was looking for something in particular. "Maybe. I wasn't scared of her parents coming around. But yeah, maybe scared for her. Think I probably wanted to save her from it."
"That's a tall order for anyone, especially a little boy, but I'm not surprised."
"What does that mean?"
"It means you want to protect the beings you love." She rested both her hands on her stomach. "It took me some time to realize but I suspect it wasn't something you only developed in recent years. Now we have proof."
He also worked hard to disguise that fact so it wasn't entirely on her.
"Just don't want you thinking she was a bad mother cos she didn't fit the mold. She didn't have it easy but she did her best." He ran his hand up and down her thigh. "We were a team. We took care of each other. Things might get fucked up sometimes but we were… She loved me. That's all I'm saying. Things were shit sometimes and we didn't have much and getting an ice cream was the biggest damn treat cos that's all she could afford but I didn't think I was missing out on anything. I didn't give a shit about what anyone else had or didn't have."
"I believe you." Her heart was breaking. Not because it must have been hard for him as a boy, even if he refused to see it as a hardship, but because he felt the need to defend it so vehemently now. He seemed convinced no one would see his mother in a good light because she struggled. He locked it away because he didn't want to hear anyone else's commentary. "What happened? How did she die?"
"C'm here." He tapped her leg, gave a quick nod saying he wanted her on his lap. It took a bit of maneuvering and his steady hand but she sat down, legs bent, straddling him. His hands went to her hips. "I don't really know."
"You don't know how she died?"
He shook his head. His thumbs moved in circles over her sides.
"Got in a fight at school and took off. Headed home early. There were constables and speeders in front of our building. Tape blocking the entrance. Tried to get inside but wasn't fast enough." He swallowed a few times before speaking again. "Not sure how long we'd been living there, maybe a few months. It was a good stretch. I don't know, things felt good. Or maybe that's just how I remember them now. Anyway. I knew something was wrong and they wouldn't let me in so I lost it. Still pretty scrawny but it took two of them to hold me back."
He was proud. It was likely one of the worst days of his life but he was proud he fought back.
"I was locked up in the back of the speeder before someone told them I was Jaina's kid. That's when they decided to drop me off." His jaw was clenching again. Memories were flooding back. "I kept kicking the back of their seats. Did some damage before they stopped so one of them could put binders on me. Had to hold me down to make me stop."
They put binders on an eight year old boy. How did he expect her to not cry?
"Kept shouting that they needed to take me to Jaina. Remember thinking she had to be freaking out. She couldn't stand going to med clinics and that's probably where they took her."
"What did they tell you?"
"Nothing." Han spit the word out. "They took me to the home and dumped me there. Eventually someone told me she died. Not sure I even knew what that meant. Didn't know anyone who died before that."
"That's it?" Her voice rose. There was no way to right this wrong but it made her want to rush to Corellia and find someone to answer for this crime. "That's all they told you?"
"They didn't give a shit and I didn't make it easy for them." Both hands ran up and down her thighs. "They gave you a bunk and meals and decided their job was done. Didn't care what happened after."
"How long were you in the home? What happened to make you leave?"
He shook his head, pressed down on her thighs a little harder.
"Not talking about that."
Leia covered her face with her hands. Tears were close. She had to hold it together and needed a moment to breath. She was failing at this task. All the times he held her when she cried or woke up from a nightmare, let her rant and vent when the anger rose too high, and she was overwhelmed after one conversation about his childhood. She didn't want to make this about her.
He pulled her hands away. Held them both in his.
"I don't want to name our kid Jaina but I don't want to forget her either."
She nodded, took a deep breath and kept the tears at bay. He squeezed her hands as he struggled to find words.
"Not sure… Never really let myself think about her. Pissed me off too much." He smiled at her, gave a small shrug that made her smile too. "Don't know how much I'll get out or what's there anymore but I want you to know. Think seeing you, everything you're going through. Jaina was alone."
She leaned forward to kiss him. One hand on his chest, the other on his cheek. An arm went around her waist and pulled close. It didn't take much considering the size her stomach.
"What do you want me to know?"
"Want you to know you can ask me whatever you want. But if I get mad. I'm not mad at you for asking. I'm mad cos half the time I don't know the answer. I don't know how she died. Don't know if she… Or left a note. I don't know what she went to school for. What her parents' names were. Don't even know what her last name was cos she changed it all the time. Can't tell you how old she was. How she met my father. What happened so her parents locked her up. She took meds, mostly, but I got no idea what. Didn't know I was supposed to ask those questions."
She cupped his cheek. His hazel eyes watched her closely. Waiting. Maybe giving her the space to run if that's what she wanted right now.
"What do you remember?"
He let his head fall back against the wall, stared up at the skylight for a few seconds. When he looked at her again, he pulled her a smidge closer on his lap.
"She was fucking smart. And funny." He smiled and shook his head. "She knew everything about machines and mechanics and had star charts memorized. Used to do those birth star charts for people. She didn't think it meant anything but people liked it and she made a show of it. Pulled in all kinds of things from the garbage, old lamps or holo-players or whatever and let me pull them apart. Put them back together. Had a teacher who thought I was a genius cos I could already read when I got to school and knew how to fix a projector."
"And you've been living off those fumes ever since."
"Nice." He gave her waist a quick squeeze. Then took her hand, absentmindedly playing with her ring. "She could make things seem like adventures only we were lucky enough to have. We lived in some crap places but we could turn that apartment into anything we wanted. It could be a Corellian freighter or submarine or lab. My room was a closet but we could turn it into whatever we wanted and we were never stuck with it being one thing. Always something new to discover. Or whatever."
He shifted his legs and she worried she was too heavy. That hit her a lot these days. Her body was changing so rapidly and beyond her control that she didn't have a sense of how much space she used up. Consumed. She relied so heavily on Han's steady presence and reassurance to know she was still herself. Everything was changing but he could still see her as Leia.
"I get that some of it, maybe a lot of it, had to do with whatever was going on with her. There wasn't a lot of even with Jaina. Her brain had its own tempo. You know? Sometimes it was in overdrive. Don't think it ever shut down. Think it was a different version of spinning when it looked like she was quiet. But I don't know. She didn't tell me and I didn't ask. And I don't know, fuck, maybe I liked it cos I didn't know anything else. But I know. I know she loved me. And I sure as… I know I loved her. I know I didn't want it to end and I'm pretty sure she didn't either so that part doesn't make any sense."
His head fell back again and he kept his eyes on the skylight for a few beats. Maybe watching the rain. Maybe lost in the sounds of the winter storm. Maybe somewhere else entirely.
"Don't know how we talk to our kid about all this but I don't want Jaina to be lost. Not anymore."
"It's not the only difficult conversation we're going to have with her. We also have to somehow explain an entire planet being destroyed. We'll figure it out when the time comes." She ran a finger along his jaw. "I promise nothing will be lost if you don't want it to be."
Leia could smell meat cooking in the kitchen. Chewie likely had hotcakes or eggs going, too. Maybe both. He leaned toward preparing feasts these days. He said it was to fight against the winter cold but she suspected he also thought she needed to eat more for the baby. He was slipping into full caregiver mode.
"Did you and Jaina have Solstice traditions?" Her hands went back to her stomach. "Something you liked doing together."
He didn't look uncomfortable but paused long enough that she thought he had reached his limits.
"You don't have to say. Those rules still apply."
He sighed, sounding resigned to it.
"We told ghost stories."
"Ghost stories? For Solstice? Is that a Corellian thing?"
"Jaina thing. Shortest day of the year so felt kind of, I dunno, spooky, I guess. Turned out the lights. Lit some candles and tried to creep each other out."
"Huh."
Han laughed while rubbing his chin. "It was pretty fun, actually."
Leia hoped their daughter inherited Han's eyes. A hazel that could switch between bright green or golden brown depending on his mood. There was a time when she felt almost frightened by his intense stare, knowing he could see right through her and now she didn't want to go a day without it.
"I think I found a name for her. Essaryne." Leia knew everything was well when he looked at her like that. "She's one of the goddesses from Tank's creation myths. Lived in the volcano that erupted and created Eloira's rocky soil and mountains."
"Sounds like there were some anger issues."
"Yes but righteous anger." She smiled. "Essaryne stopped a war among the gods fighting for control of the planets and destroying them in the process. Eloira was peaceful after the volcano and the people thrived. Or so the story goes."
He sat up to kiss her again. Hand on cheek and a slow melting into each other.
[There's food!] Chewbacca was yelling from the kitchen. Leia could hear the soft clatter of dishes. [It's time to eat.]
They continued their kiss, not quite ready to break apart. Winter rains and rebellions and the promise of a hot meal could wait for a few minutes more.
A/N: Wishing everyone, however you may celebrate, or not, or simply pass this time of year, a happy and relaxing end to 2022 and start to 2023. I am very grateful for this online community and all the stories shared. It definitely makes my world a better place.