Jamie, my dearest, most precious treasure and king of my heart,
Without a doubt, you are the single most important person in my life, and I can't imagine how I'd be able to live if I didn't have you in my heart and arms every day. When I was a kid, my mom told me that one day I'd have someone who'd make me feel special and would believe in me, even on days I don't believe in myself. I brushed her off, thinking that even if she were right, it would happen to me years and years in the future when I was an adult and that I wouldn't want or need that person as much as she thought. But then, a few months later, I met you. Little did I know at the time, but you- my crazy, funny, and generous best friend- would be the special, important person you are to me today.
Looking back, I think that I started falling in love with you the day you sat down next to me and smiled sweetly as you introduced yourself. You told me a silly joke and defended me when Danny insulted my hand-me-down clothes. It's not in your nature to turn to violence, but you looked ready to fight him just like that, and in that moment, you were my hero. Someone who I could count on to stick up for me and stand by my side. I looked up at you and remembered how my mom said I'd find that person who would look out for me and take care of me, and I thought I'd found that person. I was right, but I didn't know I was because we were taught that boys liked girls, and as I was waiting for the 'straight' in me to kick in, I realized that my person would have to be a girl because boys don't like boys. But then I'd look at you, and wonder why it couldn't be you. Why did you make me feel wanted if you were a boy? Why did I want to spend all of my time with you and not the girls in our class? All of our other friends and classmates were interested, so why wasn't I? It wasn't long after that we learned about the different sexualities- mostly through insults, which I absolutely hate. Love shouldn't be used as a weapon to cut others down. Love should be treasured, the way I cherish you and our time together. I wouldn't trade it for anything, for nothing can rival my love for you.
Over the years, my infatuation with you only continued to grow. You were a constant. Through the changes from elementary school to middle school, and middle school to high school, you were there. You were there as I figured myself out and hated myself for it, then learned that it's okay for two men to fall in love. You were there as I picked myself back up and swore I wouldn't let my father tear me down again. You didn't know, of course, because I was scared. I knew you wouldn't abandon me because of who I was, but there was still a part of me that was terrified of losing you. I preferred to keep a part of me hidden away like a terrible secret than risk losing you. I felt so ashamed of my feelings for you because you didn't deserve your best friend longing over you like that, but then you'd smile at me, and all I could do was bask in your warmth.
That's what you are. Warm. You're welcoming and friendly and make people feel seen and heard. You're like the sun shining through dark rain clouds, touching people with hope and inspiring them to try again. Even just sitting next to you is incredible. How could I not fall in love with you? I had no chance of there being anyone but you. Even now, after knowing you for thirty years, sometimes being near you feels like the best possible thing. Until you kiss me, that is, and wow. That's so much better. You'll sometimes refer to me as a human furnace, but nothing lights a fire in my veins like your kisses.
The first time we made love- not sex- it felt like a star went supernova in my chest. Your body, your hands, your heart, your gloriously filthy mouth. I knew you were the one. I already knew no one could compare to you. I've known that for a long, long time, but the lingering questions of if you were my person vanished. I could have looked my mom in the eyes and told her I found you. I could have told her that you will be the only one for me. That we wouldn't always agree and would face struggles we couldn't foresee, but we'd make it through. Because we have faced our struggles together, and we'll continue to face our future struggles together. We figured out how to live away from our parents, friends, and everything we'd ever known when we went away to university. After graduating, we had to figure out our lives outside of school and find jobs in our respective fields- and then learn how to establish our careers. We fought to buy our house, and I love the home we've turned it into.
I hope I never get tired of saying 'our home.' I love that there's a part of this world that belongs to us, and reflects who we are and what we mean to each other. I love the shoe rack where your Converse sits next to mine. I love how our mugs look sitting next to each other in the cupboard- or better yet, full of coffee and on the kitchen table while we have breakfast and prepare for the day. I love the sunny bay window where you like to spend your day curled up with your sketchbook as you're glowing golden and beautiful from the sun. I love your studio and how it's brimming full of life and your art. Everything in that room has a purpose, reason, or story. The drawing of a multicoloured flower is pinned above your desk because that's the first thing Ann Marie ever drew for you. That mug used to hold your drying paintbrushes was made by Brodie when we took a pottery course at university, and he gave it to you because he knew you would love it the way no one else could. And you do, as you love the misshapen, one-eyed cat sculpture you found at the thrift store and had to buy because you thought no one else would want him, and you didn't want him to be lonely.
Most of all, I love our bedroom. I love the intimate, passionate bubble we have in there. No one else comes in. No one else sees. It's for your and my eyes only. I get to wake up in your arms and look at your beautiful face as you transition from sleeping to waking. I get to see your adorably messy bedhead and your sleepy smile before you tuck yourself closer into me and beg for the world to stop for a few minutes so we can cuddle before having to get up and face the day. You look as content as I feel with you, like there's nowhere else you'd rather be. Nothing else you'd rather do than lie in bed with me and run your fingers over my skin, before following your touch with your lips. It's so easy for you to take me apart, Darling. Just a gentle caress of your love has me shivering with a need for more of you. I can never get enough of you, Darling. The way you fill every inch of me is intoxicating and thrilling, but also comforting. My body knows you, as do my mind and my heart. Every part of you is familiar, as I know every part of me is familiar to you.
And isn't that a wonderful thing? To know the person you know and love and trust feels the same way about you? I can say with 100% certainty that you love me, and not just because of how you moan my name when I make love to you in our bed at night. I can feel it when it's late at night, and you're on a roll with a project, but will stop for a few minutes to come to kiss me goodnight when I go to bed (yes, I am usually awake enough to feel your lips against my cheek). I can see it in the way you reach for me in your sleep, as we're walking down the sidewalk, and when we're playing games or watching a movie on the couch. You look at me with hearts in your eyes, and it's one of my favourite expressions to see on your face, along with the delighted smile that lights your entire body up.
You're like the sun, remember? Somehow, you're practically glowing in the morning. You often beg for a few more minutes in bed, and yet you're a morning person. You wake up with the sun and push me out of bed to join you in the shower, then sing and dance as you put yourself together for the day. Getting to witness you shave, style your hair, and get dressed is a privilege I'll never take for granted. I've spent years undoing your buttons and making you relax, but sometimes watching you get ready feels more intimate than having sex. It's the domesticness of it that makes my heart so happy, just like how it makes me happy to see the mix of you and me in every room of our home.
You're everywhere in my life. The two of us are so deeply entangled that it would be impossible to pull us apart. There's no line where I stop, and you begin. We've been a pair for so long that everyone knows where one of us is; the other isn't far behind. I don't want to say that we're two halves of a person because we're full people on our own. You are an amazing, incredible person as you are, on your own, and no part of you is lacking whenever I'm not around. I simply mean that I chose you to spend my life with, as you chose me.
There's no one better suited to me than you. I firmly believe that our relationship is inevitable, regardless of the circumstances. I believe that, no matter what universe we're in, you and I will always find each other and fall in love. It's impossible not to be true. Whichever life we're born into, you and I belong together. We complement each other perfectly and bring out the best of each other. God knows neither of us are perfect- together or apart- and that's okay. No one is expecting us to. We know that we both try our best to do as much good as we can, and that's what matters.
I heard it once described that to love someone is to know them. You know me, Darling. You know how I like to have my coffee and my favourite way to eat eggs. You know how to make me laugh and smile, and know what all of my smiles mean. You know when I'm done with socializing for the day, and will make excuses for us to leave when my introverted social battery runs low. You know when to sit with me in silence and when to distract me on days I'm not feeling great. You know how to make me feel better after a long, frustrating day at work. You know how to put me to sleep by simply running your fingers through my hair and massaging my head just so. You know my heartbeat as well as I know yours.
Jamie, Darling, you are my person, and my heart beats for you.
Yours until the end of time,
Mason