A few days had passed since the incident.
I kept tabs on Donnie with the boys in personal texts versus the group chat. They would say he is stable but does not want to talk to anyone still. That is the same response that I would receive every day. My heart pangs at the thought of Donnie struggling so hard with himself but there is of course a comfort knowing that his family is doing the best they can for him. I just wish I could something for him as well. All I can do, is live my life until he comes around.
Donnie POV
Donnie would walk around the lair as if he was a zombie, completely zoned out. His brothers and Splinter would try to aid him, but he keeps them at a distance. He just wants to be left alone. He deserves it. He hurt not only April but also the one he felt such admiration for. His insides felt twisted, hating himself and a part of whom he is. He cannot control himself as easily during this time of year and it frustrates him to no end. It has been days and he can only communicate through shrugs and light hand signals. His family is very concerned since this is the longest he has ever shut down. Each one would try to provide him something he may be interested in. Mikey would prepare his favorite foods; Leo would try to get him to watch Jupiter Jim movies with him and Raph would even try to get him to talk about his latest inventions. Even though the big guy would not know what he would be talking about, at least he would be talking.
Donnie has lost this spark, his glow. He despises the idea of hurting those close to him. April heard word of his situation and tried to sympathize, even though she was still bruised from their last encounter. She kept their interactions platonic and short as to not trigger him any further. She never brought up what happened, in fear that he will regress. Splinter would just sit with him, consoling and willing to listen whenever he was ready.
The softshell couldn't be blessed with a better support system than he has now. Everyone is trying so hard. He notices it. Every now and then, he would check his phone to see if Y/N messages him directly. It was always blank. He knew she would message everyone else to check on him and that makes his heart flutter. Even after doing what he did, she still cared for him. The thought of that made him tear up in front of Raph while they were still on the couch. Raph was taken back by the sudden outburst but quickly consoled his little brother.
"Hey, it's going to be ok. I am here, we are all here. No one is mad at you or blames you for what happened..."
His words were sweet, but he was crying to have Y/N back in his world and hopes that she doesn't think less of him.
"How about I run you a bath again to help you calm down? I won't make it as warm this time." Donnie likes to be able to dive his body fully into the water, it calms is mind. Raph guides him to the family showers and runs the deep tub for him. Once it was full, he helped Donnie in and watched him sink to the bottom. The snapper sits on the edge, watching him and rubbing his leathery carapace to add additional soothing.
"As you know, Y/N still reaches out. She really does care about you, Dee." Bubbles float to the top. "She wants to just, give you your space so you can figure yourself out. I know this time of year sucks, for ALL of us. I feel prone to just...FLAIR OUT, you know? We can't stop it from happening, but we can try our best to control it. I am just sorry that I wasn't there for you the first time it happened." Donnie lifts his head slightly to look up at Raph.
"What happened between you and April, was bad, I can't lie. You were confused though and that is ok! You know now that what you had with her was superficial. You care for her but not in that way." Donnie slightly tenses up from his words. He is well aware of his lust induced crimes. He does not need a constant reminder.
"However, what you have with Y/N is real, Donnie. I can see it! I know you can too! I know you can only get so close, but I even think Dad is starting to come around." The fragile turtle pokes his head slowly out of the water, up to his eyes only. "You can't let what happened between you and April, destroy what you could have. You don't want a lonely life, I can tell. You got to stop putting people at arm's length in the fear of hurting them." Donnie's mind was racing once more. What could his brother be saying? Does he seriously think that L-Lo-, no, that is still foreign territory that he cannot explore. He wants this conversation to end. He splashes Raph in protest.
"Ok, ok, I will drop it. Do you feel a bit better though?" Raph helps Donnie out of the bath and back to his room. He retreats to his sheets and looks up at the ceiling. The hums of his machines soothe his mind. Shelldon would occasionally come by and comfort him as well.
"Hey, Dee, hope you are feeling a bit better day." All he receives was a shrug and the sign for 'ok'. That was better than nothing.
"Well, at least you responded." Shelldon fly lows, next to Donnie's head. Donnie turns around, facing the wall side of his capsule. Not wanting to interact any further. He can still smell remints of her scent. It makes him groan softly, thinking about the moments they have shared. He feels a slight stir in his loins but tries to keep himself together. He misses her. He misses her bad.
"Dee, listen, I know you are going through a rough time, but I think you should know something. Remember when you told me to delete the message? The one she made for you?" Donnie perked up and turned his head so hard that you could have probably heard him crack it. "Yeah...I didn't delete it." The softshell looks at Shelldon with slight alarm. He doesn't want to hear it! He can't hear it! HE DOESN'T DERSERVE IT! He angrily signals him to destroy the message. Shelldon continues to refuse his order. "You need to hear it, Donnie. This is the best time, I think. If you want, you can bring in Mikey to listen to it with you, if it becomes too triggering, I will stop it." The softshell thinks it over for some time. What if the message is too personal? He supposes Mikey would be the turtle to trust with something so intimate. After careful consideration, he allows Shelldon to notify Mikey of the situation.
A few moments later, Mikey comes in Donnie's room. He is wrapped up in his weighted blanket, it makes him feel safe. Mikey looks over at Donnie with slight pity in his eyes to see his brother look so fragile still. He only hopes that this helps Donnie. He gets in the capsule bed and gives him a small smile, to show that he is here to support him.
"Ok...are you really ready for this? We can stop at any time, Dee." Donnie holds onto his blanket once more, bracing himself for what Y/N might say to him. This was from a while ago, her views of him had to have changed since, right? What they had was just puppy love. She could not know him well enough back then. Against his better judgement, he agrees with a subtle nod.
"Ok, loading up the hologram message now." Shelldon's optics give a purple glow and project Y/N right in front of Donnie and Mikey. Donnie hitches his breath seeing her in front of him again. He thinks back to the fear he saw in her eyes. He caused that. Mikey notices his body tense up and holds him close.
"Okie, play it Shelldon." There was a slight moment of pause as Y/N seems to be trying to gather her thoughts. She is clearly excited after hearing the message from Donnie prior.
"Sigh, ok, I am so nervous! Sorry! I-I am just...UGH!" Donnie couldn't help but crack a very small unnoticeable smile. He always liked how cute she could be when flustered. "BREATHE Y/N...sigh, ok...Donnie..." The way she said his name, made him stand on edge. His attention was fully on to her.
"Donnie...I don't know how I can possibly follow up with such a meaningful and sweet message like you gave me. It makes me feel so warm and elated on how we feel for each other. I know it has only been a few weeks, but I cannot help but feel a strong connection with you as well. You brought a light into my life that I have been missing for quite some time. I look forward to hearing from you every day, even when it is about your inventions or how one of your brothers always seem to mess up a mission." Mikey give a side glare to Donnie, but he does not pay attention. He is completely invested. "With that being said, I can feel you holding back a bit...which I can understand! I mean, I am still kind of a stranger to you! I haven't met your other friend or your family for that matter. I have to be kept a secret." Both turtles could hear the pain in her voice when she said that. She really wanted to be a part of Donnie's life more. " I know your life is a little hectic and dangerous, but I want to be there, by your side. I admit, when there are times that I don't hear from you after you leave for a mission, I get scared. I hope to hear something, sooner rather than later. You are always protecting the city and I know your brothers and your dad have your back but so do I. I want to be there for you."
A tear starts to roll down Donnie's cheek. Mikey notices and was about to tell Shelldon to stop and the soft shell tells him in gestures that he is ok. Apprehensively, the box turtle backs down.
"Donnie, I know this would sound absolutely illogical to you but..." There was a long pause, causing Mike and Donnie to be on the edge of their seats.
"I think I might...love you."
She said it...she said those words, those painful yet beautiful words! How could she?! How could she love someone she just practically met at the time! Donnie's mind raced once more; it didn't make sense! All this time, did she really love Donnie ALL. THIS. TIME?! No, no, he can't be loved by someone he hurt so badly. It's not possible. Donnie rocks side to side, feeling utterly restless, his mind was going to explode! The softshell shut his eyes tightly and makes loud and painful sounding moans. Mikey quickly ordered Shelldon.
"SHELLDON, STOP THE MESSAGE!" Donnie groans loudly as if in pain, the weighted blanket could only help so much. The thought of love scared and confused him. He thought he felt it with April, but he was wrong. How could he possibly know if he felt the same with her?! "Donnie! Donnie it is ok! I am messaging Raph right now!"
Soon loud stomps, followed by normal ones, came into the room and without hesitation, they got him back in the bath and tried the soothing method of rubbing his shell. It was taking much longer for him to calm down this time. Donnie was back in deep thought at the bottom of the bath while the others talked among themselves.
"Mikey, hermano, what were you thinking?! We are trying to keep his mind off of Y/N, not bring up old memories while he is like this!"
"I know, I know but Shelldon-!"
"Little buddy, you should have come to us first, we could have heard the message and figured if he should have listened to it or not. That was not your call alone to make.'
"I get that Raph, but there was an off chance that he could have felt better! I am tired of seeing him like this! Don't you guys want to try to bring him back to normal?!"
"Of course, we do, Mikey! It's just...he is taking all of this very hard, hearing a love confession from the person he..." Raph looked towards Donnie as he laid perfectly still at the bottom of the bath. "Look, we have to do whatever it takes to make him comfortable to come to us again. He feels bad about everything, I think what happened just made him snap. I think it is best if we don't mention Y/N for a while to him." Leo and Mikey look at Raph with concern. Leo cautiously takes hold of the conversation.
"Um, are we sure about that? Cutting him completely off from her seems...cruel. He needs to know that she is at least checking in on him."
"After what just happened? I don't think so. We can still talk to her but if she says anything about us communicating to him on her behalf, you either tell her no or lie. I know it sounds awful, but we need to look out for Donnie's mental state. Love comes last." The smaller turtles look at each other with unease. Is this really the right move? With reluctance, all of them made silent nods in agreement.
The rest of the night...weeks even; was a complete blur.
Donnie zoned out so bad that it seemed like he never left his bed. Shelldon tried apologizing to him several times but received no reaction. How could someone like y/n, actually LOVE a creature like him? Sure, he has a lot to offer, his intellect being the biggest plus. He could invent things for her all day if she asked. Just so he can see her smile. A part of him is so scared to explore that with her. He does not want to hurt her again. His heart would not be able to take it. While he sits in the silence, he tried to think back on all of the fun times they have together. From when they first met, casually talking and hanging out and when they had their secret hot and heavy moments. Sure, they had their spats from time to time, even as just friends. However, his feelings of her never changed, even then. He thought about every moment they spent together and realized a pattern. His feelings for her never changed. That is a different result with how he was with April. This is different, Raph is right!
A smile comes across his face. Maybe, what he is feeling is real. However, getting her more involved in his world could bring her grief. What if she gets put in danger again from an enemy? Donnie would make it his sole mission to make them pay if that were the case. He is destined to be a fighter in some degree, she isn't. She could quit this at any point, and it would not change her life. She can have a normal life. Surely, she had to have thought of this as well. Why would she want to be so involved?
Because she does love me! I wasn't on my cycle when I fell for her...that was MONTHS prior!
Y/N wants to be let in and she deserves it. Here he is, feeling sorry for himself and pushing her away. His guilt has eaten him up long enough. Should he reach out to her? He quickly goes for his phone and then pulls it back.
...
He had second thoughts. He wants to talk but what should he even say to her? There is a lot that needs to be addressed. He can't just be super casual with her. Also, this might all be better in person. Talking behind a phone is easy but you can't see how the person feels in real time. He wants to hear her voice say those three words in person. Not a hologram, not a text. Is he ready to say them though? Won't it change their dynamic drastically? There is no way they could just be 'platonic' anymore.
If he went through with this, he would have to speak it over with the one person that could stop him.
Splinter.
To have that conversation again... it left him in tears and anger before. What if Splinter still says no? He is well within his right to; he is not just his master but his father first and foremost. Sure, he has gone behind his back and fooled around with her a bit, but what child hasn't disobeyed their parents...at ANY age to some degree? No, Donnie wants his blessing; no NEEDS his blessing, he wants to be with Y/N and he can't hide it anymore.
He just hopes nothing comes between anymore. Not even his family.
Y/N POV
It has been a few weeks, and I been a bit worried. The guys seem a little less active with speaking to me for some reason. I would ask them to pass on my regards for Donnie, but I seem to get a bit of a brush off vibe. Mikey especially seems off. I need to figure out what is going on.
Y/N: Hey! Just wanting to check in, everything ok?
Angelo: yeah
Y/N:...are you sure?
15 minutes pass
Angelo: Yup
Y/N: You are bad at lying, almost worse than Donnie. Tell me, what is happening? Is Donnie ok?
Angelo:...Meet me at the park in an hour
This a bit more secretive for my liking but I went along with it. Once I made it, I couldn't help but reflect on that awful day. The physical pain is gone but it feels like it has been replaced itself with phantom pains every time the memory comes back. I am not scared though; I am more prepared if I ever ran into the Dragons again. There was an empty bench that was basking itself in the Spring sun. I decided to wait here until Mikey showed. My thoughts go from the least extreme to the worst as to why Mikey had to physically see me.
Time has passed since our meet up time. I was about to go looking for him until a strange person wearing a white mohawk and cut of sleeves comes sit next to- oh my god it's Mikey. I tried my best to hold back my laugh.
"What? It's the best thing I could find! I think I look gooood anyway!"
"Heh, sure Mikey, anyway, let's not waste any more time. What is going on? Why is everyone keeping me at a distance? I thought I did nothing wrong?"
"You didn't...it's just...a few weeks ago, Shelldon had Donnie watch your message you made for him. I was there as well."
My eyes slowly went wide with the realization of what I said in the recording.
"Yeah, Donnie regressed, and it was hard to calm down at first."
"Is he ok now?!"
"He is fine but after that, Raph told us to try to not keep communication between you guys...he figures that since he was heavily triggered, that it would have been best to not pass on that you have been checking on him anymore. He figured you guys would continue to not talk to each other personally yet.
"You mean to tell me...that Donnie has been probably thinking this whole time...THAT I STOPPED CARING?! How could you guys?! I thought we were family!"
"We are Y/N! But our brother needed time to heal! We didn't want to risk anything again!"
"So, lying to me was the best option?!"
"Raph probably didn't want you to feel guilty about what happened!" I contemplated his response and as much as I hate to admit it, that did make some sense. "I promise you; we are not out to keep you two apart. We think he is starting to come around a bit honestly. His mating cycle is just about over."
"Well, that is great to hear atleast..."
"Y/N, I am sorry, can you forgive us?"
"I do...just be more upfront with me next time."
As we hugged, my phone buzzed. I took a look and went wide-eyed. Mikey looks over at me with concern.
"Everything ok?"
"It's Donnie...says we need to talk."