I spoke with Neytiri about the upcoming battles quite often and every single time, without a doubt, she reprimanded me. She always said that ever since the sky people came back, I have been too stuck up in my head and wasn't paying enough attention to our family. She wasn't wrong, but I was and still am just too worried. I have the duty of being an Olo'eyktan, strong leader, good father and a good mate all at once. It definitely wasn't easy. I have always been better in battles, in moments where seconds decide between life and death. But in times of relative peace, I was still lost. During the times of peace, I tried to enjoy myself as much as I could, but still, there was a thought. One that always came to the surface when I closed my eyes at night. When will they come back with full force and we will be forced to fight for our home again, how are we going to deal with them? I would be lying if I said it didn't haunt me.
I was lost in thought when I heard Neteyam groan in pain, as Mo'at started applying more healing paste onto his back. I looked at them all briefly and emotions threatened to overcome me. Happiness mixed with frustration. That was what I felt at that moment. Neytiri was standing with her back toward me, looking inside the hut at our family. She glanced back at me, her gaze heavy, and then quickly returned to look at Kiri arguing with Mo'at. I could hear Mo'at challenging Kiri, asking her who Tsahik was, but with Neytiri's expression, I didn't bother to listen to them anymore. Instead, I asked nonchalantly "What?" I know Neytiri knew this question was directed at her, even though she didn't look at me when she began to answer.
"Neteyam and Lo'ak try to live up to you," she began, slowly turning to face me. "It is very hard on them."
"I know." I replied simply.
She came and squatted right before me. I looked at her, I had an idea of what was about to follow, but waited until she said it.
"You are very hard on them" she said softly, but it still hurt me. For Neytiri to have to say it like this, she must've contemplated it for some time. She would never say something this serious, especially because she knew where I was coming from in my scoldings.
"I'm a father, it's my job" I clicked my gun, signaling my job was done. My voice was devoid of emotion when I replied to her but still, I looked at her, unyielding. She searched my eyes, her expression hardening a bit.
"This is not a squad, it is a family." Her voice was hard and biting, but her body betrayed her. She was just trying to reason with me, to not be so hard on our two boys. It tore me on the inside. I avoided her eyes for a bit, because if I were to look at her, I would break. I put my gun down and let out a deep sigh.
She wasn't there when I had to search for our sons through the field. She wasn't the one who had to turn Neteyam around, when he was lying on the ground, just waiting to see if he's still alive. Memory still fresh, I held her gaze and I felt the tears come. "I thought I would lose them…" I said softly, swallowing the lump in my throat. She saw and put her hand on my lower arm, trying to comfort me. I knew I didn't have to hold myself back with her, but with everything going on, I would not let myself be weak.
I took a deep breath to compose myself. Okay, Jake, get yourself together. Time to go inside and have dinner with everyone. Now is not the time to drown in sadness. I looked at Neytiri, her hand still on mine, and I smiled. She still looked a bit uncertain, but eventually smiled back. She stood up and held her hand out to me. "Ma Jake, it is time to have food. Come eat with us today."
This was one of my biggest regrets since the Sky people returned. With all my duties and only a limited time in one day, I often had to skip family dinners. Being the leader, planning operations, strategies, teaching everyone new fighting styles plus parenting and watching the kids, there was not enough time to enjoy the down time everyone else had. It was hard work, but if all my efforts bore at least some fruit, all was well.
Neytiri walked in first, with me closely following her lead. Lo'ak was talking loudly with Spider, sitting in the farthest corner from the entrance. Kiri and Tuk were listening to Mo'at scolding Neteyam, occasionally giggling as they always did when it wasn't directed at them. Neytiri went to where the girls were, starting a conversation with them. Asking how their day went, what they did before the war party came back from the mission. It was all good and lighthearted talk. I saw Neteyam stand up, going to where the other silly boys were sitting and they too began talking about their own topic.
I didn't participate in either of the conversations, I just wanted to enjoy this feeling of being home with everyone, warm and safe. I rested my back against one of the boxes that had some human things in them, feeling the day catch up to me. I closed my eyes, just listening to the voices of my loved ones as they turned into background noise and I felt my consciousness slip.
…
"Base to Lo'ak, base to Lo'ak. Are you there, bro? What are you thinking about, care to share?" Spider said while pushing his elbow into my ribs. "Ow, OW! " I yelled. I turned to him.
"Hey bro, we should go check out the old shack someday. That would be so cool, man. I so wanna see your dad's old suit." I said to Spider, excited. We were sitting down in our home, while Net was getting his back treated. Today wasn't a good day, I managed to anger dad, not to mention almost kill my older bro. I needed something to take my mind off of it, so I suggested this exploring trip to the forest.
"Bro, have you forgotten that you're not allowed to fly for a month? Jake's gonna massacre you if we get into any kind of trouble after today's fiasco" Spider said, while looking at me pointedly.
Spider really is afraid to anger my father, even more so than I am. Sometimes, I wonder if Spider also sees him as his dad, considering how much he hangs out with our family all the time. Maybe I should ask him when we go out by ourselves. It would be awkward if I asked now, with Neteyam, grandmother, Kiri and Tuk present in the tent. Yea, I'll ask him later when there's no one to listen to his answer.
"Are you kidding me? Of course I wouldn't do that, dad would ground me for life, my god." I actually shuddered at that thought, it seriously hasn't been going well for me lately. It seemed like everytime I tried to do anything, be it something stupid or useful, it didn't matter. In the end, I always got an ear full on why it was a bad decision from dad. It was frustrating. Seriously frustrating. I don't understand why dad always scolds me the most, it seems unfair.
If Kiri or even Tuk do something silly, they only get a disapproving look from mom, and that's the end of it. They never have to stand there, listen to dad rant away at them.
"Bruh, even the thought scares me, let's talk about something else. I'm in no mood to relive his scolding from today" I said, and it seemed like Spider got the hint. He started chatting about his day, how this time he didn't have his blue stripes on and the animals actually tried to chase him out of the forest.
"You think blue stripes make the animals respect you, I don't believe that for a second"
"No, seriously, bro, listen. It is like they know I'm not a Na'vi, but they also don't want to eat me right away when I have them on, so that must mean something, right?" Spider was starting to speak gibberish, and I just couldn't hold myself anymore. I laughed, just imagining this monkey boy how he has to have blue on his skin to make the animals not want to eat him. Good luck to him if it really works like that.
"Shut up Lo'ak, this is serious stuff. What if something ate me when I went through the forest alone, huh?" he said, obviously very offended by me.
"My brother, I would never let you go by yourself" I said with all seriousness, but then thought better of it and continued my comment with "but if something did eat you, I bet they have a good snack with all those muscles".
Just as I finished my sentence, he actually tackled me to the floor. Hah, I got him. Let's see who wins this game. I haven't wrestled with him for some time, but fuck me if I didn't win this round. Grandmother actually tried to say something to us, but I just wasn't listening and just caught something along the lines of "you kids will take this hut down if you don't stop" followed by something I couldn't make out. Well, doesn't matter really.
I won this round of wrestling, using my height to overpower him, while being careful enough that we didn't get hurt. I helped him sit back up, and he actually stuck his tongue out at me. Oh bruh, now you have it coming.
"You sucker, you think your little human body can take my full power?"
And I got the reaction I expected. He smacked me on my shoulder, quite hard. I hissed at him a bit. He hissed right back. Holding eye contact for a second or two, he broke down laughing until tears were streaming down his face.
I wanted to plan our exploration journey with him so we made some kind of plan, but he didn't agree with me. I was going to say something, but then the people going inside our home made me stop.
Mom and dad, both coming in. Mom, as always, came in and sat by where the girls were. She started talking with them about their day and didn't pay any attention to me or Spider. Dad on the other hand, stood by the entrance for a bit, looking over to where I was and then ultimately sat down by where the boxes with ammo were, his favorite spot. He had his eyes directed towards me. Ah, was he still that angry at me for what happened today? But then, when I looked at him a bit closer, he didn't seem angry, but more so tired. Still. I located Neteyam, still in the hand of the tsahik. I made eye contact with him, hoping he would come to me and Spider to make me less of a target. As expected, he got it and walked right over. I nudged him a bit, to start talking about something unrelated to today, and thank god, he did. I didn't wanna have to explain that I was actually kinda scared of dad after today.
He really was angry at me today, more so than he normally was. Today, I did feel like I was a little kid again, when he faced me, full of anger and disappointment. In those moments, when he stood facing me completely, I felt so small. Sure, I'm not as tall as Neteyam, but we're still on the taller side when with everyone else,especially when you consider our age. But, Dad was still over a head taller and this difference seemed bigger than ever before.
We were still kids while he was the Olo'yektan. His presence, since the war has started, has become increasingly scary. He doesn't want us to call him "dad'' when out on a mission, but "sir". He said it is so that we get used to being warriors as everyone else, and this is the first step to that point. But, how are we supposed to differentiate when to call him this or that? Because lately, even when back in our home, he was just a leader but not a dad per say.
With all my musing, I almost forgot I was in the middle of a conversation before. Thankfully, Spider and Neteyam both let me daydream, and continued among themselves. I looked back at where dad was sitting, trying to see what he was doing.
He had his eyes closed, probably thinking about another strategy or something. But, wait. Looking a bit more closely, his head was kinda hanging down, muscles all relaxed. Shit, he is actually sleeping. Now, this is a rare situation. Knowing how much of a light sleeper he is, how he wakes at the slightest sounds during the night and how many times we all accidentally woke him by even just making a little sound, this was surprising. It was kinda loud inside, with everyone talking about something different and the girls chuckling and stuff.
I put my hand up, signaling for the boys to shut up. They didn't. I smacked Neteyam on his thigh. "What the fuck, bro? What the hell is your…." I shushed him and pointed at dad. He turned around to see him properly, and yes. His expression is the exact same as I imagine mine was just a few seconds ago. Mom actually turned around at the same time as Neteyam did, she saw me pointing in that direction. I saw her expression soften and she smiled slightly. This was the face she only made when she looked at dad when he wasn't aware of her. Me and everyone of my siblings know that she loves dad. She loves him very much and in moments like this, it really shows. It isn't the kind of love that she shows us, no. This is something different and something as deep as the ocean itself.
It got quiet, everyone just looking at the slumped figure of my dad. It was mom who motioned to us to just continue whatever we were doing, so that dad could sleep a bit more. It really has been tough these past weeks. Missions were done at least twice a week, and in between those, we also had to patrol the whole perimeter of the mountains. We and mom got to rest more often, so it wasn't that tiring, but dad has been basically living on the back of his ikran now that I think about it. Damn. I had to go to apologize to him properly when he woke up, this is just making me feel worse than before.
Neteyam and Spider got back to their topic, but this time in an almost whisper. I did listen to them, but I couldn't stop my eyes landing on dad periodically. He slid down a bit more than when we first noticed him, and mom also covered his legs in a cloth so he wouldn't get cold. Like this, it got quite late and grandma and Spider actually left to their own sleeping spaces. Mom told me and Neteyam to go for a bit more firewood in the meantime, while Kiri and Tuk prepared our sleeping mats. We did so swiftly, returned and carefully put the wood down so it wouldn't wake up dad.
Once we were settled, me and Neteyam laying side by side and Kiri with her back to me, comfortably lying next to Tuk, mom went around as was the tradition with our family. She kissed everyone goodnight and only when she was finished, she went to bed herself. It has always been this way and it doesn't seem, even as we near adulthood, that she will stop this tradition.
I saw her lay down next to dad, only touching him with her tail gently, obviously trying her best not to wake him. Surprisingly, he's been sleeping soundly this whole evening. This would be the first night in a very long time, when everyone would sleep under the same roof. It felt nice. This is what a home is supposed to look like.