XXIV:

She could hear him shouting her name even over the chaos, but she was singularly focused on the task at hand. She knelt down and pressed her hands against Elise's wound, trying to staunch the blood flow, ignoring the searing pain in her arm. "Hey, you're going to be okay," Liv assured the woman who had been brave enough to testify against her husband in open court – only to be shot at by his brother on the steps of the courthouse during the press conference. "It's going to be okay, Elise. The ambulance is on its way and I'm not leaving."

"Olivia –"

Liv shot a panicked look at Fin, gestured with a jerk of her head at Rollins and prayed that he understood what she was telling him. "Barba, get the fuck inside – the scene isn't secure," Fin ordered. "Rollins, haul his ass inside – NOW."

"Where the hell is the bus?" Liv demanded.

"It's coming," Fin assured her. "Sarge, you've been –"

"I know," she snapped. "Don't let him know till after they secure the hospital."

Amaro had taken down the shooter and cuffed him, but not until after he had gotten off four solid shots – one had hit Elise in the abdomen, one had clipped Olivia in the arm, and she wasn't sure about the other two. There didn't appear to be any other casualties, any other injuries besides the two of them, so she was grateful at least that the idiot had some kind of firearms training and could aim worth a damn, but the asshole could have killed – and therein lay the point. His intent had been to kill Elise, and hopefully one of the officers escorting her, which meant Amaro or Benson.

It was just the luck of the draw that it had been Olivia that had been hit.

They got Elise loaded into the ambulance and Olivia tried to downplay her injury but the EMTs shoved her into the back of the bus as well, with Fin riding point. "Fuck, that hurts," Liv muttered as they took a turn a little too fast and she nearly fell inside the bus, jostling her injured arm, causing it to start bleeding more heavily.

"Yeah, well, you got shot and the bullet's still in there," Fin pointed out. "Your husband's gonna shit bricks when I call him."

"My husband shits bricks if I trip going up the steps into the house with grocery bags," Liv muttered. "The man is overprotective to a fault since –"

"Can you blame him?" Fin shot back.

"I don't need bubblewrap, Fin. I do carry a gun."

"The man is head over heels in love with your stubborn ass," he reminded her. "Why he wants to keep you around is anyone's guess, but he does."

She winced and cringed as the ambulance came to an abrupt halt and the EMTs rushed everyone out of the back. She was dizzy, so she leaned heavily on Fin as they made their way into the ER behind Elise and one of the EMTs shouted out Liv's basic condition. "I'm okay," she tried to assure the doctor and nurses who began fussing over her, dropping her onto a gurney and wheeling her away, but the words were tired, low. "Just pull it out and stitch me up."

"Detective Benson –"

"I said I'm fine," she said.

"You need x-rays," the doctor said firmly.

"Fuck me," Liv muttered.

"Buy me a drink first," the nurse deadpanned from where she was hooking up an IV in Liv's elbow. "You married, Sergeant?"

"Yeah," Liv muttered. "He was there when it happened. He's going to pace a hole in your waiting room carpet when he gets here."

The doctor's upper lip twitched in amusement. "Get her into xray immediately, and if the bone is broken, get her prepped and into the OR. If not, we'll numb the area and do a minor procedure to remove the bullet. Either way, let – what's your husband's name?"

"Barba. Rafael Barba. It's in my file." Liv was grumpy and in no small amount of pain, and snapping at the medical personnel was about her only outlet.

"Let Mr. Barba know that Sergeant Benson is doing just fine."

She let them administer pain medication and felt it kick in, remembered drifting off to sleep, and when she woke up, Rafael was at her side. "Hey," she mumbled, yawning.

"Don't you 'hey' me," he muttered.

"Excuse me?"

"You got shot and Amanda fuckin' Rollins shoved me back into the courthouse on your orders," he hissed. "Don't deny it – Fin told me."

Liv shook her head, trying to clear the groggy cobwebs from her brain. "Yeah," she said. "You're the CADA. I didn't have a choice, Rafael: I have to do everything in my power to protect you." She blinked up at him tiredly. "I can't believe you're angry at me for that."

"You're my wife –"

"I'm a police officer first and foremost, and you're the Chief ADA," she snapped. "I protect and serve. You do the same, but in a different capacity. For the love of pity, can we not do this right now? My arm frigging hurts because some dickhead shot me for shits and giggles."

"I was trying to get to you," he said very quietly. "When Rollins dragged me back up the steps and threatened me with handcuffs and her gun if I didn't go willingly… I watched you get shot, Olivia – I watched you take a bullet and just… just keep going even though you were in pain and I –"

"I didn't have a choice," she interjected. "It wasn't bad, Rafi. I was the closest to Elise and I could keep pressure on her wound while everyone else kept boots on the ground. I was okay. I'm fine, Rafael – it's okay."

"What about next time?" he challenged.

She sighed. "I don't know," Liv said softly. "No one knows, Rafael. That's the point. We can't constantly live our lives in fear."

"I can't lose you, Liv –"

"You aren't going to," she assured him. "But if it means anything, I was scared someone was going to start shooting at you in the chaos. That's why I had Fin throw Rollins at you, Rafa. I was scared and needed to know you were safe." She looked down at their hands, joined on the bed, and sighed. "You know how hard it is for me to say that."

"Yeah," he agreed.

She quirked a tiny smile. "We okay?"

"I mean… if you could avoid getting kidnapped or shot or stabbed or otherwise maimed, harmed, or assaulted for the next decade, that would do wonders for my blood pressure," he joked lamely, his thumb caressing idle circles on the back of her hand.

"I'll do my best," she murmured. "It just happened so fast, I didn't even have time to draw my weapon."

"Like what happened with him at the apartment?" Rafael asked. His tone wasn't accusatory, just soft and inquisitive; he knew she had frozen then, she had confessed as much to him.

"No… I mean, there was genuinely no reaction time," Liv said. "The first shot winged me, the second shot hit Elise, and I got us out of the way of the third and fourth shots somehow." She shook her head. "I still don't know how anyone else didn't get hurt – Amaro was on her other side, and Fin was right there…"

"Tucker's been out in the waiting room, frothing at the mouth to get in here to talk to you," he warned.

"Fuck," she muttered.

"Yeah."

She grunted a noncommittal noise and said, "You know, I thought today was looking up until you said that."

"Do you want me to show him in or tell him to hit the bricks?"

She sighed heavily and muttered, "You might as well let him in now. It'll give you time to get some coffee, call mami… go to the bathroom. I know you haven't done any of those things since you left the courthouse, hot stuff – you're looking a little frazzled." She didn't want to tell him that she loved the way he looked when he was so focused on her, so soft and intense – it would fluff his ego like nothing else would – but the way he looked now, rumpled and concerned and undone with concern and worry and that softness with a bit of an edge… that was a kind of love she understood from him in a way that was just them. No one else would ever understand it.

"You'll be okay?" he questioned.

"I'll be fine," she confirmed. "I never even pulled my weapon; I can only tell him what I experienced, which wasn't much."

He lifted her good hand to his lips and kissed it, then smiled sadly. "I'm sorry I –"

She shook her head. "You were upset: it's fine, Rafi. It's okay. We'll talk about it later with Dr. Lindstrom in our couple's session, but I'm not… I'm not angry. I promise." She reached up and stroked his cheek, feeling the prickle of his stubble under her fingertips. "Go get some coffee, try to relax. I'm fine. They should let me go home soon –"

His eyes narrowed for a moment, and he barked a little laugh. "Yeah, tomorrow afternoon," he said. "They had to sedate you to remove the bullet, so…"

"Well, shit." She sighed. "I suppose you're going to have to go home and –"

"McCoy knows I'm here. I'm coordinating the office through Carmen and Joyce – it's fine. If it can't survive me being gone 48 hours in an emergency, what good is the system?" Rafael pointed out. "You sure you don't want me in here when you talk to Tucker?"

"I don't need you here, no," she said softly. "Do you want to know what I'm going to tell him?" When he nodded, she said, "We came out of the courthouse and down the steps in a group while you were giving your press conference, giving Elise a police escort as she left. Amaro was going to give her a lift back to her apartment since she lives uptown, so we were headed back to the Precinct to wrap up paperwork on the case and send them off. Normal things. I heard two shots, then two more; I felt pain in my arm and heard Elise cry out and stumble into me. Then chaos as everyone reacted. Fin and I got Elise on the ground while Amaro and two uniformed officers went after the shooter in the crowd; I held pressure on her wound while Fin coordinated the scene with courthouse security and Rollins got the CADA inside to safety. The courthouse went into lockdown. Elise and I were thrown into a bus and taken away from the scene after Amaro apprehended the shooter. I don't know much more than that. Given the chance to go back and draw my weapon and pursue the suspect with my injury or stay the course of action I did and save our witness's life with only a minor injury on my part, I would do the same thing over again."

Rafael's face didn't change, didn't move, but his eyes sparkled; she smiled just a little. "Hey," he said. "Have I said that I love you? I know I yelled before – it was because I was scared. I was scared I was going to lose you…"

"Rafael, you don't have to tell me you love me every waking moment of the day. It's implied, and I appreciate it," Liv murmured. "And I love you, too."

"I'll go get some coffee so you can talk to Tucker," he said, leaning in and kissing her gently on the lips. "I'm sorry I overreacted –"

"You didn't," she whispered. "My instinct was to cover Elise and stop the bleeding, but my only actual thought was to get you the hell out of there. My only rational thought was to keep you safe. What does that say about me?"

He pressed his forehead against hers and sighed. "That you were doing your duty, Liv."

"Rafi, I'm tired."

"I know, mi amor." She could hear it in his voice, the aching compassion and gentleness only for her. "Hopefully Tucker will be quick, and then you can rest."

"I really like what you two are doing with the house," Lucia said. "It's taken you long enough –"

"I didn't know we had it," Liv said. "Rafa never told me he'd bought it." She set her mother-in-law's coffee down on the counter and slid it over to her, everything made more difficult by her sling. Rafael had gone back to work a couple of days after she'd been released from the hospital, but she was on medical leave for two weeks, then desk duty for another week after that. "It's a little difficult to decorate a place you don't know you have."

"True. But then after you did move in –"

"We had what we needed at the time," she said with a small shrug of the shoulders. "But now we're settled in and things are coming together, mami."

"Does that mean what I think it means?" Lucia asked, a wide grin on her lips.

"What?" Liv said, blinking, then laughing in panic. "Oh, no, I'm not pregnant. I can't have kids – I thought he told you I had a total hysterectomy a while back." At Lucia's blank look of horror, she rolled back the comment and said, "I guess not. I… uh… had a medical condition that was incredibly painful and caused me to be unable to carry a pregnancy. We obviously lost Eva, and I've had several miscarriages – and when they removed my ovaries, they were too scarred to remove viable eggs to create embryos from for implantation, so there's that dream gone." She shrugged. "We can't adopt because the system that we work so hard to protect thinks that we work too hard and can't take care of a child adequately. And we might be able to foster an older child that doesn't need as much direct supervision, but even that is a pie in the sky kind of a vision of hope at this point. It's pretty hopeless. And all I hear is, 'When are you and Barba going to have kids?' or 'When am I going to get a grandbaby?' and I want to scream and throw things because it's like ripping open the wound all over again."

"Olivia, I'm sorry –"

Liv held up her hand. "No, if he didn't tell you, it's… it's not your fault. You didn't know. It's okay. I should've… I should have told you myself."

Lucia turned her mug around, fidgeting until she picked it up and took a swig of coffee and set it down again. "You know Rafi is an only child." Liv nodded slowly. "Eh… his father started drinking when the factory moved across the river and he didn't want to commute to New Jersey every day. So he pissed away his money when I was pregnant and we had a fight over the rent not being paid and… he slashed my belly with a broken cerveza bottle deep enough to nearly cut my Rafi out."

"Jesus," Liv breathed. "Lucia – why didn't you –"

"We're Catholic," Lucia said simply. "No divorce, and you do what your husband says because he is the law, Olivia."

"Bullshit," Liv ground out. "Not when he literally cuts your son out of your uterus!"

"Rafi was six weeks early and he was small," Lucia sighed. "And he never really caught up – not in size or strength, but oh, that boy had a mouth on him, and brains that wouldn't stop. His papi was so angry with him all of the time because he wasn't good at sports and he couldn't beat up the other boys and he wouldn't stand up for himself – he would make Alejandro or Eddie do it instead." Her smile was small, sad. "He hates me, you know, for not trying harder."

Liv shook her head. "He doesn't hate you. He doesn't understand, but he doesn't hate you."

"The last time I tried to leave, he was four," Lucia murmured. "I pray he doesn't remember."

The flinch was involuntary. "He has nightmares; fragments of memories that he doesn't know if they're just dreams or… if they're something he made up," she said very quietly. "He had a grey waffle weave blanket and a stuffed animal and he was standing in the corner by 'the dish cabinet' and there were broken dishes all over the floor. Papi and mami were on the table –"

The color drained from Lucia's face. "We were going to my mother's. I thought he had passed out from the drink, but he heard me getting Rafi ready and threw me into the pantry door so hard it came off the hinges and broke my arm and three of the shelves. Broken dishes were everywhere. He threw me on the table and… and he… raped me in front of my four-year-old son. I didn't try to leave again: I knew what the consequences were if I did." Her voice was shaking, her whole body trembling as much as her words.

It took a long moment to formulate what she wanted to say, but Liv managed finally to murmur, "Lucia – we all have to make hard choices, and sometimes, we don't know if they're the right ones."

"Everything I ever did was for Rafi – everything was for my boy," Lucia whispered. "Maybe if he hadn't been early, if he'd stayed in me a few more weeks and been born normally, head down through my vagina instead of by c-section, he would've been a more manly man and not a girly boy, and his father wouldn't have been such an –"

"No, he would've found another reason to beat on you and Rafa," Liv said gently. "People like that… they don't just change for no reason, mami. My mom would've found a reason to drink and smack me around even if I hadn't been her rapist's kid. She was just built that way. She was a little better at the end, when she'd found AA and therapy, but still had that 'nobody will ever love you, Olivia, because you're a bad seed' line going strong."

"She was wrong."

"Yes, she was. And I'm so fucking lucky she was," Olivia whispered. "I don't know what I would do, where I would be right now, without your son in my life, Lucia. He is everything to me."

"I tried so hard with him," Lucia said very quietly. "His father… wasn't a nice man. But I tried to teach Rafi to be good and kind and that good deeds should be rewarded with kindness –" She paused. "He doesn't understand much about love, I don't think."

"Oh, he does – he understands so much more than you think," Liv countered.

"Yes, but – I… I wanted him to learn that love isn't a fist or a slap."

Liv reached out and curled her hand gently around her mother-in-law's. "He knows," she whispered. "He never raises his hands in anger to me. Or anyone else, for that matter. I don't think I've ever seen him defend himself with anything but words. You did well, mami."

"You know, when he brought you home and introduced you to me, and we got to know each other… I thought you were stubborn and determined and had the will of an ox," Lucia said softly. "And you'd just keep going no matter what and manipulate my son into going with you."

She chuckled; the irony was that it was true that she was the stubborn, determined, straight-pathed one… but Rafael was the flighty, impulsive, do the thing and give no fucks one in the relationship, and look where his compulsions had gotten them. Married in a big house, happier than they had any right to be, together for the long haul. "And now?"

"Now… now, I'm just glad he found you. Even if you drive him a little crazy."

"Did his stubborn ass tell you that?" Liv asked, quirking her brow.

"After you fell off the ladder yesterday putting books up in the library, yes," Lucia said. "That's why he asked me to come over today."

"Remind me to do something evil like hide his favorite suspenders," Liv muttered.

"I don't know where he got that fashion sense," Lucia confessed.

"Look, neither do I," Liv murmured, "but I will lead him to bed by those suspenders every day of the week until I die because –"

"That's my son you're talking about," Lucia warned, wrinkling her nose.

Liv coughed a little and said, "Yeah, I know." She blushed a little and murmured, "Hey, you want to see something?"

"Sure."

Liv took her upstairs and opened the door to the nursery, letting the older woman step inside and look around. "Rafael did this when I was pregnant with Eva," she said softly. "He wants to be a father, Lucia, and I want to give that chance to him. I'm not giving up on the dream; I just don't know how to make it happen right now. If Rafael runs for DA, I would have to resign at the NYPD, so… it would be an option to adopt then. I just don't know what's going to happen. I just want to give him everything he wants, Lucia. He deserves so much more than just me."

"Mija," Lucia said, "you are his everything, too."

TBC...