XXVI:

Liv smiled warmly and said, "Abuelita, Lucia, come in, come in – we were just starting to talk about what to order in for supper. Rafa was pulling for steak, but he's never happy unless he can yell at them for overcooking it, and I'm happy with Chinese or Thai or just… whatever." She gave Catalina a kiss and a hug as the older woman shuffled inside with her walker.

"Pick something and we'll find something," Lucia said dismissively. "Mami, you want –"

"Deja de quejarse de mí ya!" Catalina huffed, continuing on into the foyer.

"Rafael is in the living room," Olivia said, "if you want to go sit down."

"Necesito usar el baño. Deja de preocuparte. No soy un niño. Puedo hacerlo yo solo." Catalina headed off, leaving Lucia and Liv in the entryway, dealing with the coats.

"She told me she feels like a burden," Lucia said very quietly, "and that she would rather die than be a burden to me and Rafi."

"She isn't," Liv denied. "She's so strong – look how well she's bounced back…"

"She hates every second of being in the nursing home," Lucia pointed out. "But I can't let her go back to a walk-up apartment when she can barely walk around. She struggled getting up your steps."

"Mami, it's fine," Liv said softly. "Next time, come around the back. The back door is ground level, only one step up."

Lucia laughed sadly. "If only life was so simple, Olivia…" She sighed. "My mother wants to spend more time with you and Rafi but she doesn't want to ask because it means being disappointed."

Liv paused and bit her lip. "Well, I mean, we have plenty of room," she said. "And it's not like we couldn't fix up a little apartment for her here on the ground floor. It's not difficult to hire in a nurse if we have to, I wouldn't think."

"You're seriously suggesting pulling my mother out of the nursing home and moving her in with you?" Lucia asked, raising a brow. "What will Rafi say?"

"I think he'd jump on it," Liv said. "Especially now." She gestured for Lucia to keep walking and they went into the living room where Rafael was lounging on the floor, Noah draped on his chest contentedly.

Lucia stopped dead in her tracks and stared. "Did you kidnap a baby?" she asked.

"Mami!" Rafael yelped indignantly.

"Lucia, we became foster parents today," Liv interjected quickly. "This is Noah – he's going to be living with us for… a while, at least."

"Forever, if I have anything to say about it," Rafael said, rubbing Noah's back as the baby peered up at the adults, gumming on his fist. "Isn't that right, mijo?"

"So he's yours?" Lucia said.

"Conditionally," Liv replied softly. "We can apply to adopt him in a year. Today is just the first day of… the rest of our lives." She paused and glanced at her husband and the little boy. "And they're already inseparable."

"What are you talking about?" Rafael asked, laughing. "He's watching you like a hawk, Liv. He's just waiting to cry for you to pay some attention to him. I don't think he's sure about abuela just yet."

Catalina shuffled into the room with her walker and made her way to the recliner to sit down – or rather, all but collapse. "No estoy cocinando," she said firmly.

"We didn't ask you to, abuelita," Rafael said. "Estamos planeando ordenar en la cena. ¿Qué quieres? Chino, tailandés, marroquí?"

"Siempre comemos en el tuyo. Es como si tú y Olivia no supierais cocinar."

"Sin ofender, realmente no puedo cocinar," Liv admitted. "¿Y de qué sirve vivir en un puerto de escala internacional si no lo aprovechas?"

"Truth," Catalina conceded. "Ahora, Rafael, ¿de quién es ese bebé?"

"Ours, for now," Liv said. "We're fostering him. His name is Noah."

"Bring him here," Catalina instructed gently, gesturing. Rafael sat up and got to his feet, carrying Noah across to his grandmother, who accepted him into his loving arms with a warm smile. When he began to fuss a little, she murmured softly to him. Suddenly, she said, "Tienes el mejor papá y mamá que un niño pequeño podría pedir, Noah. Te amarán y te mantendrán a salvo durante el tiempo que los necesites. Y tu abuela y yo te consentiremos mientras tanto."

The stunned, tearful expression on Rafael's face made Olivia move to comfort him; he immediately melted into her soothing touch, sudden relief spilling into joyous laughter. "I really thought – I was still so scared –" he began.

"You aren't him," Liv promised. "And you never will be. You are already the best father that Noah could have asked for because you stepped up, Rafa." She ran her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, tickling him just a little, the barely there curls wrapping themselves around her fingertips with the surety of familiarity. "This is our family now: little, new, just finding itself. But we've got your mom and your grandma to help us, and Fin and Rita when we get in a really tight spot."

He cracked a smile. "You want Chinese?"

"Mmmm, how about you just call Vanessa's and have them throw together something?" Liv suggested. "I think it's spaghetti for the special tonight, but don't take my word for it – there's definitely something else good on the menu if not." She smiled. "Good enough for a celebration?"

"Always," he agreed.

"You two conspiring?" Lucia asked.

"Deciding dinner," Rafael said. "Vanessa's okay?"

"Is that the place you took us to the last time –"

"Yeah," he cut her off with a smirk.

"Oh, that's fine, then. Just pick something. It was good enough."

"Good enough is a high compliment from my mom," Rafael chuckled, giving Liv a kiss. "Spaghetti with the vodka sauce if they have it, the usual if they don't?"

"Yeah, that's good," Liv agreed with a smile. "Love you, Mr. Barba."

"Te amo, Mrs. Barba," he replied.

Funnily enough, the first person to come knocking at the door wasn't who they would have expected. It wasn't that she didn't get along with Amanda Rollins – their relationship was professional and courteous, if a little strained after a few years of settling into each others' quirks – but the concern was new.

"I mean, they said you were taking leave and the first thing I thought was that you were having a mental breakdown from the stress of that last case with the vague similarities between what happened to our vic and you and Lewis and –" Rollins began, the words tumbling over each other with strained worry as she gestured wildly with her hands, following Liv into the house. "Hell, and then you just showed up at the precinct with a baby and I don't know what to think."

Liv smiled and said, "Well, thank goodness you waited to come. We were out shopping most of yesterday."

"Okay," Rollins said. "Shopping for –"

"Rafael and I are fostering Noah Porter," Liv said with a small smile. "We didn't have much in the way of baby supplies, so we had to go shopping."

"Oh my god – really?" Rollins said, eyes suddenly gone wide. "You're fostering Noah Porter? That's – that's amazing, Olivia! I know how much you and Barba have wanted –"

Liv blushed a little and smiled. "Want some coffee? Rafa is finishing up Noah's breakfast and then we're moving to the living room for little man's play time."

"You've domesticated El Tiburón," Rollins said sarcastically.

Liv shrugged. "He did dishes and washed clothes before this," she commented wryly. "Not like shoving pureed prunes in a baby's mouth is much different."

Rollins made a face. "Prunes?"

"Yeah, apparently this kid loves the damn prunes – at least we won't have to worry about him ever getting stopped up," Liv sighed, leading the way into the kitchen. "There's my guys," she cooed. Noah looked up and smacked his gums, prunes and oat cereal all over his mouth and cheeks, a wide smile on his lips. "Hello, little man."

"He's pretty hungry," Rafael said. He was pretty casual, in bare feet, grey sweat pants, and a t-shirt from the time Taylor Swift had played some charity function for the DA's offices. "Hello, Rollins," he greeted warily.

"I come in peace," Amanda said, holding up her hands in surrender. "Just coming to check up on you guys, since you took leave pretty abruptly and I was a little worried."

"Well, as you can see, we have an addition to our family," Rafael said, giving Noah another bite of oatmeal, which the little boy managed to squish out of his mouth and all over his chin, "which will take a little bit of time to adjust to. Hence the time off from work." He used the spoon to scrape up some of the oatmeal and tried to get more of it back into Noah's mouth – which opened like a baby bird's – only to have the same thing happen again. "Mijo, are you done? Is that what you're trying to tell me? Are you all done with the cereal? Do you want more prunes?" he asked, grabbing the half-eaten jar of fruit mush instead.

Liv laughed. "These two have bonded over food," she commented dryly. "They're going to eat me out of house and home."

"Oh, I bet they will," Amanda replied as Liv passed her a mug of coffee.

"Ha-ha," Rafael muttered. "Just because you don't have to snack to keep your blood sugar up doesn't mean other people don't have to. Normal people."

Liv rolled her eyes. "You see what I have to put up with?"

"The sass. The audacity." Rollins's voice was dry and her lips curved up with a smile.

"You know you love it," Rafael groused as he fed Noah.

"Oh, I do," Liv agreed. "You want some coffee, Rafa?"

"Do I ever not want coffee?" he shot back.

"Have you told your mom about Noah yet?" Rollins asked, sipping her coffee.

"Yeah, she and abuelita were over the first night we had him," Rafael said, glancing up at her. "Spoiling him rotten, just like grandmothers should."

Rollins smiled. "Well, of course," she agreed. "They couldn't help but love that adorable little face, right, Liv?"

Liv smiled and said, "It's the cheeks that do it for me – he looks like a little chipmunk."

Rafael snorted and turned back to Noah, "Mijo, these women: what are we going to do with them? Learn your lesson early – girls are silly. Especialmente tu mama. Pero ella no lo hace a propósito."

Liv set his coffee on the table and smacked him on the back of the head. "You ass."

Amanda was laughing into her cup. "What the hell was that?" she asked.

"Barba telling our son that I'm especially silly but I don't do it on purpose," Liv scoffed.

"Well – who forgot to buy contact solution again even though it was on the list?" he replied. "And we were literally buying out the store yesterday."

"One thing. I forgot one thing," she sighed. "It's not like the bodega isn't right there – or you can wear your glasses for one day."

Amanda smirked. "Barba in glasses."

"That's why I can't wear my glasses," he pointed out grumpily.

"I mean, you do you, but I can't see it," Amanda said. "I'm too used to the non-glasses version." Her smirk grew into a smile. "Is the glasses thing part of how you two got together?"

Liv paused, then looked over at her husband; it had been so long since they'd started dating, the easy familiarity of their relationship falling into a sync that had been comfortable and comforting, love blooming between them quickly that she'd forgotten that no one around them – not even Fin – really knew how they'd gotten together. "Oh, no – not at all," she said quickly. "I was on loan to Brooklyn SVU and we met on the job. He asked me out to dinner after I got banged around by a perp to make sure I ate something before I went home for the night, and the rest is history." She shrugged her shoulders. Maybe it was an oversimplification, maybe not, but Rollins didn't need to know about the thread of sexual tension that had been between them from the start, pulled so tight that they both were afraid they'd snap.

She didn't need to know about it now, either. How seeing Rafael with Noah was awakening all kinds of things in her that she'd done her best to keep locked away for fear of disturbing the peace, of shattering what calm they had managed to keep. She had almost convinced herself that she didn't need sex to feel whole, that she didn't need his touch, that what Lewis had taken from her, had broken in her, was not her spirit – her need, her desire, her sexual love – but some lesser part of her mind that just screamed like a wounded animal in desperation whenever she was touched intimately.

Rafael had given up trying to touch her, but let her lavish all her attention on him; it was enough, it had to be. What else was there? What else could she do?

But the longing was there, the illicit desire, the pain so real and twisting and haunting – the overwhelming guilt and shame…

"Olivia?" His voice was full of soft concern, and she realized she was gripping the countertop, breathing raggedly, her knuckles white, icy sweat on her forehead, slipping down her chest between her breasts. "Mi amor, five things –"

"Coffee," Liv choked out. "The smell of prunes. Baby powder – how much did you use? Your feet are bare. Bagels on the counter."

"You okay?" Amanda asked.

"My… my mind got away from me for a minute," Liv admitted. "Rafa, why don't I take Noah and get him cleaned up while you and Rollins enjoy your coffee?" She held her hands out, waggling her fingers at the baby, who held his hands up in response.

She took Noah to the nursery and took off his bib, dropping it into the hamper and then set to work, cleaning him up with a damp washrag and just enough bath gel to get the food off of his skin. Then she changed him out of his pajamas into a fresh diaper, a clean onesie, coveralls, and socks, and went to cuddle with him in the rocking chair in the corner.

"Oh, Noah," Liv whispered. "You know what? Mommy had some bad things happen to her. Yes, she did. Some really bad, scary things. And I'm so sorry if I scare you, little man: I don't mean to. I'll do my best not to, because you're the best thing that's happened for your papi and me – I mean it." She rubbed Noah's back and smiled when the baby curled into her shoulder and grunted a little. "Yeah, I love you, too, little man."

Eventually, she wandered back into the living room where Rollins and Rafael were sitting on the couch, talking. Amanda looked up and smiled. "Hey," she said. "Barba was just telling me about how you two got married and disclosed but didn't really tell anyone –"

Liv smiled softly and bounced Noah. "Yeah… It seemed like a good idea at the time."

Amanda laughed. "I mean, Cragen must have made some noise when you told him."

"There were words, yes," Liv said. "Mostly concern, but then congratulations when he realized I was serious and that we weren't fooling around." She smiled over at her husband. "And, I mean, things didn't change for a while – not till… not till after Eva." Her smile faded a little bit. "My only regret is that. I wish I'd had the courage to not stand still."

"We weren't standing still," Rafael said. "We were just moving in multiple directions simultaneously."

"Forgive me for being rude," Rollins said, "but since I found out that you guys were married, it just blows my mind – absolutely breaks my brain – that two people as focused and driven as you are, as married to the job as you are, can find the time to have an actual functioning, healthy adult relationship in the middle of the chaos."

Liv paused, staring at Rafael; he looked back at her and inclined his head, then shrugged as if to say, I don't know what the hell to say to that. "Well… we try to separate work and home as much as possible," she said. "But when we can't, we don't let it become the focus. We still cuddle on the couch even if we're arguing about the validity of warrants or charges. Or share the shower and prep for testimony."

"Oh, I did not need that mental image," Amanda muttered.

Rafael smirked. "Case notes in bed till midnight, then –"

"The new episode of Hannibal," Liv finished for him. "Or whatever he wants to put on CSPAN because he's a remote hog."

"She snores and talks in her sleep," he retorted.

"Wow," Rollins commented. "I did not need to know that."

"You clean the place like there's no tomorrow," Liv countered.

"And it's going to be very helpful when Noah is up and crawling and walking," he replied with a cocky grin. "Isn't that right, amigo? Tell tu mami. Nothing worse than getting a dustbunny in your mouth when you're a little guy."

"Okay, wow," Rollins said, holding up her coffee mug. "Y'all… I never thought in a million years – not in a million, billion, like… the hell… Olivia, you've got Barba actin' like a dad and sayin' things like dustbunnies and acting sweet and shit. Did you break him?"

Olivia smiled widely. "We're not at work all the time, Rollins: Rafa isn't a prickly asshole all the time."

"Thanks for that, mi amor," he scoffed. "If you give that away, people will think I'm a marshmallow."

"Excuse me, you are my marshmallow, and I will shoot anyone who says otherwise," Liv snapped.

"You can't just shoot people for –"

"You two are disgustingly in love," Rollins interjected. "I mean, it's cute, but it's disgusting. I'm jealous: no guy looks at me twice, and y'all practically smolder across the room and you've been married forever."

Rafael laughed then, a hearty belly laugh that made coffee slosh out of his mug. "Wow – that's – that's really something, Rollins," he gasped out.

"Just calling it like I see it, Barba."

Liv stood up and put Noah into his playpen, watching him play with his new toys as she grabbed Rafael's coffee mug and took a hearty sip. He grinned up at her and winked. She smirked down at him and gave it back to him, then chuckled when his hand wandered up and down her back, coming to land firmly on her ass. "Rafa, we have company."

"Your point?"

"Rude."

"Rollins, you mind if I put my hand on my wife's butt?"

"Carry on, Barba, but she might break it – forewarned is forearmed. Pun intended," Rollins quipped. "I need to get going anyway: it was supposed to be a quick stop and I've overstayed my welcome."

"Well, I mean, we're always going to need help with the baby now," Olivia said gently. "If you're interested in being Aunt Amanda, that is." It was an olive branch; a beacon of hope, a gesture of sisterhood and wishes that weren't horses and no one could ride, but they all could walk together again.

"Yeah, okay," Rollins said with a crooked sort of a smile. "You think the kid likes ice cream?"

"I think he's too young for ice cream," Rafael said. "He likes prunes, though."

Amanda wrinkled his nose. "Jesus H. Christ, Barba, is the kid a ninety-year-old in a six-month-old's body? Get him on applesauce or peaches or something that isn't rank."

"I think that sounds like a job for Aunt Amanda," Liv said with a grin.

Amanda made a face. "Prunes? Ugh. What the hell." She looked over at Noah. "Kid, your parents' choice in fruit is sketch. You deserve better. I'm bringing you organic peaches and pears tomorrow – only the best for my nephew."

Rafael showed her out and came back to find Liv watching Noah play with his blanket, chewing on the satin edge. "He's pretty cute," he said.

"It still doesn't seem real," she murmured.

"Give it a few more days."

She smiled and sank into his arms when he held her. "Hey," she whispered.

"Hey."

"Mr. Barba."

"Mrs. Barba."

"I want to be," she whispered.

"Hmm?"

"I regret not changing my name now." She threaded their fingers together. "I made a fuss before, but… now it feels strange. Like I've deprived you of something."

"Liv, can I tell you a secret?" he asked.

"Hmm?"

"I don't care what our names are, so long as we stay married."

She smiled and continued to hold his hand. "That's not going to be a problem, Rafa."

"Oh, good," he exhaled in giddy relief. He pressed a kiss into her hair and held her closer. "Love you."

"Love you, too."

"Hungry?" he asked.

"Didn't you just eat breakfast?"

"That was the kid," he said. "I can make omelets or slip out and grab cinnamon rolls from the bakery."

"Mmm, tempting as those cinnamon rolls sound, I'd rather just have toast and a cuddle," she countered. "Have you thought about my suggestion about abuelita coming to stay?"

"Of course I have," he replied. "I think it's a fantastic idea, but mami is going to lose her mind. And abuelita will, too. She's much too stubborn."

"I think now she knows we have Noah to look after, she'll be much more amenable to –"

"Are you resorting to emotionally blackmailing my grandmother?" he scoffed.

"Maybe."

"Do you think it will work?"

"Maybe?"

"She really does like the little guy," he said thoughtfully. "Let me look into what it would take to get things taken care of and then I'll ask her."

"I love you," Liv sighed. "My fluffy marshmallow."

"Damn it," Rafael muttered.

She just grinned into his chest.

TBC...