Disclaimer: DanMachi and its original characters are created and owned by Fujino Omori.
Chapter 14: XIV
With his knees drawn to his chest, the young man sat in solitude in front of the small collection of gravestones— in front of one in particular. He read the words engraved onto it over and over again— those letters that had, after seven years of no maintenance, almost disappeared— yet they were still visible and he had nearly cast it to memory. They were seared deep into his mind like that from a crimson-red brand; he was sure he wouldn't forget anytime soon— those words…
"Fly, and Spread your Wings…"
His eyes were red from the tears he had shed previously. But, almost like he had run out of tears, no matter how sad he felt, no more tears came. Or maybe he just didn't feel sad anymore. Dear Gods, he hoped not…
"Lonely, Silent Bird…"
The snow fell around him, yet he cared not for it. It piled up around him and settled on him, melting and soaking into the cloak that he wore. It felt so cold and so heavy, but it wasn't like he wanted to move anyway, so he didn't care. Even still, he shivered underneath that cloak. There was no way it could offer any protection to him: desolate and frail, lacking a Falna, he was no more than just a little speck against the harshness of Nature.
"Into the Next World…"
He hiccoughed, his shoulders jumping. He wrapped his arms around himself, still shivering and trying to stave off the cold.
"Fly, and Spread your Wings… Lonely, Silent Bird… Into the Next World…"
Letting a puff of smoke escape his lips,
"Alfia, the Silent… Alfia, the Silent… Alfia… Alfia, my Aunt…"
He buried his face into his knees, but, soaked as they were with the cold water from the snow, it only made his face sting, and within a matter of seconds, he pulled away lest his face gets frostbitten.
"Alfia… can you hear me…?"
He wasn't exactly sure whether or not he had muttered it aloud subconsciously, but he realized it mattered not. Why would she be paying attention anyways? To him? Even still, even when he was sure that she wasn't, he still kept on rambling in the hopes that maybe he was wrong; that maybe he still had somebody who he could talk to without fearing whether or not they would hate him.
"What do you think I should do…? I ruined everything…"
He grimaced as those images flashed in his mind— of all of the bodies and blood and fire and destruction. Those flames that surrounded and engulfed him— those flames that he had dove head-first into and embraced and used as if it was an extension of him. The flames that emerged from his own desire.
"Everyone hates me now… they're all scared of me. Hestia's dead, too, and it's my fault. The others probably also hate me for killing Hestia… they… if I… if I go back, maybe I'll hurt them, too… and kill them too… like all of those people…"
He pressed his hands to his face, covering his eyes, yet that did nothing to shield himself from all of those anguished faces of the people desperately calling out to their loved ones or the victims crushed underneath the weight of the falling tower or burned and mutilated by the flames.
"What do I do? Will they even want to see me? No, I think it's better if they just forgot about me. I think it would be better if I were exiled… or I just died. I wanna go home… back to where Gramps was and live there for the rest of my life until I starve or something…"
He hummed to himself as if it was the only thing stopping him from doing something rash— that kept him at least somewhat sane and reasonable.
"What would you do, Aunt? I mean, what did you do every day when you woke up after joining Evilus and fighting for them? What did you tell yourself every day so that you wouldn't…?"
He couldn't finish that thought and instead, held up a hand as if to reach out to the gravestone: as if that would motivate her to give him an answer, but he decided against it, stuffing his arm back into his jacket and under the cloak.
"Alfia, how was Mom…? Was she nice? Was she strong, like you?" He shivered, feeling the cold attack his body. "But I hear that both you and she were sick all the time… why did she have me even when she knew it would hurt her even more? Why did she have me even when she knew she would probably die giving birth to me?"
His jaw clenched tight, as did his hands into fists.
"Why did she have me even when she knew that she wouldn't be there to raise me?"
Fury came to his eyes— like a flame that would ravage everything in its path.
"Why did she have me if she was just gonna abandon me?"
He felt a sigh escape him.
"But I think Mom was a nice person; I just have a feeling… that she was a nice person and that she truly would have made the world a better place if she was still alive. Even without having met her, I feel like I love her… I think…"
Stopping, his mind ran blank for a few moments before he picked up on another string of thoughts.
"What about dad? My friend told me a lot about you and mom but she didn't say much about my dad. Was he cool? Was he strong? Maybe he would know what to do if he were in my situation… maybe… if only…"
That was when he heard the crunching of snow behind him and he turned, watching as she approached him. Draping a thick blanket over his head she crouched down beside him.
"All done?" She asked, offering him a smile.
"Is it time already?"
She nodded, "Loki familia were strict in their terms. I'm sorry, but there's not much that I can do to help…"
"No, it's alright. It's only natural, anyway. Besides, you already helped me a lot… letting me come here so I can have some time alone for a while…" He got up, wrapping the blanket around him and feeling the warmth that it offered him even when it was only a little. "Thanks for this, too."
He wobbled on his legs as he tried to find his balance and she held onto him. Once she was sure he wouldn't topple over, she let go and he returned her smile.
"Okay, I think I'm ready, let's go… uhm… are you gonna take me there?"
She raised an eyebrow. "Do you want me to?"
"I think it'll be nice to have someone to talk to on the way there." He nodded meekly.
She folded her arms over her chest, pursing her lips. "We can walk together… but I don't personally fancy being seen by others."
"What do you think'll happen? Do you think they'll want to see me?"
"I'm sure they will. They care about you deeply; not even this will change how much they love you. You've helped them so much; it's only natural that they'd want to help you, too."
He nodded sluggishly. "You're right. You're right… I was overreacting then…"
"Is there something else you wanted to ask?"
"Uhm… no, I think that's it; I think we can start… oh, no, wait, actually… I want to say goodbye to my Aunt; can I?"
She smiled, nodding. "Of course; take your time— as much time as you need."
And so the boy turned back to face the gravestone. His lips pressed into a fine line as he worked out what he wanted to say as his farewell because it was very likely he'd never get the chance to speak to her like this again. He wanted to make it count. After a few moments of thinking, he finally figured out what he wanted to say.
"I think this is goodbye, Aunt. I'm going away now— maybe for a long time… maybe forever— so this might be the last time I'll ever see you."
He tried to smile, but it wasn't coming out just yet.
"Even though we talked about things that weren't happy, I think that I am still happy nonetheless because I got to know you… and that I was able to talk about all of the things that made me sad."
Then, finally, it came— that smile that was so sad yet was also brave at the same time.
"Maybe the next time I come, we can talk about happy things. Next time we meet, I can make you and mom and dad and gramps proud." He breathed in a deep breath, feeling the cold air fill and shock his lungs, waking him up. Finally, he released it. "But I hope not… I hope we don't meet again; none of you— not you, not mom, not dad, not gramps— not anyone."
The wind blew wildly and the little snowflakes brushed past him, getting into his face and eyes.
"Because deep down, from the bottom of my heart, I truly hate you— all of you."
The snow was so cold and he wanted to run away from it and curl up into a ball to protect himself, but he stood steadfast even as it ravaged his body.
"I don't really know how I felt about it before, but after learning more about you and also after giving it some more thought, I think I've figured things out."
The smile was unwavering, radiant even in the bleak whiteness and greyness of the snow.
"I'm not your nephew. Nor am I my mom— your sister's— and my dad's son. I don't share your blood."
The snow around him seemed to melt and he felt himself burning with a fever. He felt like he wanted to hurl and gag and throw up, but he pushed the bubbling feeling deep in his chest down.
"I would never abandon my family like that. I could never."
It was so hot that he felt like he would burn up right then and there.
"I don't want to see you ever again… yet I realize that we will, eventually."
His lips pressed into a fine line and the muscles in his jaw squeezed tightly.
"Some day, we'll burn in Hell together— all of us."
Then, he turned away, feeling himself cool down as the breeze swept past him, sending his snow-white hair wildly into the air.
"All done?" She asked once again and this time, he nodded affirmation without missing a beat. She smiled fondly at him as she grabbed onto his arms. "Then let's go."
And he held on, too, and didn't let go.
Stepping through the doors and into the Pantheon, the boy Bell Cranel could immediately feel the heat from the lamps hung along the walls: a new, tingly feeling compared to the coldness that practically clung onto him from his extended stay outside for so long.
He swept his gaze around, seeing all of the adventurers, Guild workers, and citizens milling about as they worked tirelessly to clean up the mess that he made. The moment he took a step into the Pantheon, it was almost like a pin had been dropped signalling his arrival and everyone stopped to stare.
It was even worse than that time Wiene escaped to the surface and wrecked Daedalus street. This time, it wasn't Daedalus Street— some unknown place that nobody really cared about— it was Babel and Central Park and the places surrounding Central Park. And it was the people, too. Countless children, adults, and the elderly were gravely injured and killed by the falling tower or from the wild flames that were born from his own hatred and rage. They were undeserving victims.
Their eyes were all on him— judging him— as if they all wanted him gone. The parents that lost their children during the Holy Winter Festival: a sacred time for family. The men and women who lost their lovers. The young workers who worked to provide for their families only for everything to be ripped away from them. To say that he was going to be banished was probably a light punishment in his eyes; he wondered, still, though, if his life would be equal to all of the lives that were lost; he wondered if his death would be adequate repentance for all of the people he'd killed.
"Probably will get what they want sooner or later, anyway…"
He looked up as he saw one of the Guild workers approach: a well-dressed Chienthrope.
"Please come with me," he said, leaving no room for argument, not like Bell had any intentions of that.
The boy did as he was told. And, just before finally plunging into the small office he had been assigned to, he caught the emerald green eyes of the Half-Elf advisor he had come to respect and, to an extent, view as part of his family.
She looked so desperate as if trying to find the silver lining in everything. But he was sure his eyes told her all that she needed to know.
"An emissary from Ganesha familia will arrive to speak with you. Please remain seated until then." Was what the branch manager said as Bell took a seat. He simply nodded, his lips sealed.
Left with only a request for patience, the boy was engulfed by the silence of the room, with only himself to keep himself company, the boy muttered to himself, softly under his breath…
Almost like he was rehearsing his own admission of guilt.
There was a knock on the door.
"Come on in," he said, though it was barely above a whisper. Even still, as if she had heard him, the door swung ajar as she made her way in, setting the small wooden tray she had in her hands by the bedside.
He smiled at her as she turned to him. "Thank you, Haruhime."
"Did you need anything else from me, Master Bell?"
He took a moment to think and clutched his blankets.
"No, I think I'm alright."
"Then I will take my leave. Please let me know if you need anything; do not hesitate if you require my help."
He paused to digest her words. Letting his gaze fall to his lap, his voice was so soft that she almost missed it. "I'm sorry." He said, with his head hung down.
"There's nothing to apologize for."
"It's my fault. I should have just let go but instead, I jumped in without thinking. People got hurt because of my dumb mistake; things were destroyed… and Hestia was killed too; she had to save me. I killed her because I was stupid…"
She sat on the edge of the bed, gently stroking his arm. "We make mistakes all the time. You can't think about them too much or they'll just keep on hurting you. I can't say I understand how it feels to be in your situation now, but I know that you won't get anywhere if you keep dwelling on the things you've done." She laced her fingers with his, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. "Why not think about the things you'll do tomorrow? Or the next day? Or a week from now? A month from now? A year? Many years?"
"What is there for me to do? Once the Guild makes their decision, I'll probably end up doing nothing for the rest of my life. There's no way they'll let me adventure again, let alone join a familia." He scowled. "But, I don't… I don't want to sit here and do nothing. I don't want to have to stay here like this forever."
"There are still many things that one can accomplish without a Falna. If you have the courage to persist, then many things are possible, wouldn't you say?"
He remained silent at this suggestion and Haruhime took that as an indication to move closer.
"If you think that you can't do it, then you won't. I was the same as you. I thought that I wouldn't really ever accomplish anything… that I would stay there are be Ishtar's cute pet forever and eventually die so that they could use my level boost to wage war." She pressed her lips together, a little bit wistful. "It felt horrible, not only because I knew that I was going to die someday soon but also because what remained of me would be used to spread violence. I hated it, but that was my fate— and the one that I had thought was set in stone. And I had just decided to accept it and accept that it wouldn't change."
Shifting even closer, she looped her arm around him, gently bringing him into her embrace.
"But then there were many people around me who tried to help me. You, Aisha, Mikoto, and then also Hestia and Lili and Welf… all of our friends that have become close to me like family." She smiled. "If not for yourself, then at least keep on living and keep on trying to make the world a better place for us. Don't discount yourself because you know you'll be weaker than others without your Falna. If you know you're weak, then work even harder to become stronger. It's something I wish that I did, but luckily, I had people there to help me."
She felt him rest his chin on her shoulder.
When he spoke, his voice was so soft and she could feel his breath on her ear. "What about you? Have you decided which familia you want to join? Are you going to go with Aisha and Hermes? Or follow Mikoto to God Takemikazuchi? Or something else entirely? I'm sure there are lots of familias that would like to have you join them."
"For now, I'm planning on going with Mikoto." She smiled. "She's been a little bit down lately so I thought that if I went she'd be a little happier than if I didn't. Though I do like the idea of being with Aisha, joining Hermes familia is still something I don't think I'd enjoy."
He smiled in return. "As long as you know what you want to do and are happy with it, then I'm happy."
"Master Bell…" she pulled away to meet his eyes. "Thank you… and I know that you'll soon learn what you want to do, too. I just know it; just keep thinking and you'll find it."
He could feel the tears in the corners of his eyes and she wiped them away for him.
"Thank you, Haruhime…"
She nodded as she stood back up, bowing.
"Please let me know if you need anything else—"
"Do you think you can help me a little? I wanna take a walk outside."
She stopped to look at him for a second, as if stunned. Then, she smiled— that beautiful, enchanting smile that took his breath away—
"Of course!"
They could see the light seeping out from the cozy, small workshop. Yet, the distinct lack of hammering only served to make the cold and snow seem more drear and lonely. Nonetheless, they made their way over: he hobbled forward with Haruhime supporting him.
"Master Welf must be resting. I think it's best if we don't bother him right now." She shivered despite the thick woollen coat she wore.
He shook his head. "No, if he's resting, now's the best time. It'll be more problematic if we interrupt him while he's doing something important."
They were met with the cozy atmosphere of the workshop. The fire was ablaze and burned strongly— bright and powerful. The moment he laid his eyes on it, Bell was transfixed by the way it moved and danced and flickered. He stared dumbfounded at it for a few moments, ignoring the two glances send his way.
It was only after he had broken out of his own daze that he realized that everyone was looking at him.
Beside him, Haruhime looked at him with concern. "Master Bell, do you need…?"
"No, no, I'm fine… I just spaced out a little bit, I'm sorry…" He waved his hand to dismiss the thought.
"Bell," began Welf, and the boy turned his attention to the smith, "how are you feeling? What can I do for you?"
"I'm feeling well." He shook his head. "I'm not here for anything other than to talk… being in that room is a little bit lonely at times." He turned to the Renart. "Could you give us some time?"
She nodded, though reluctantly like she didn't really want to leave his side. Nonetheless, she helped him over to a stool off to the side before making her way out of the door. As she closed it behind her, she called out, "I'll be out here if you need anything."
And with that, she was gone, leaving him in the room with the two red-headed smiths. Welf sat down, too, next to the Goddess, who was leaning against the workbench.
"So? What did you want to talk about?"
"Not much, I just wanted to… uhm…" he peered over behind the smith at the things strewn across the desk. "You seem busy, that's good…"
He nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah, I wanted to help out however I could, so Lady Hephaestus and I have been working with the Guild to see how we can take this…" he paused, "opportunity if you will… to improve the infrastructure around Orario." He smile as he looked over at her, and Bell watched as their hands came together. "Crazy times, I tell you… and probably only gonna get even crazier. God Goibnu and Lady Hephaestus have decided to put aside their differences to come together to help everyone."
Bell's eyes fell to the floor. "I see. Thank you, Welf."
"What're you thanking me for?" With one eye open, he tried cracking a joke, "did you need something fixed, too? I'm willing to look at it for you if you want."
The young boy smiled. "No, I don't have anything particular that's broken, but if I do, then I'll be sure to come to you."
"As you should! You're still my number one client!"
Yet, even with the lighthearted tone that the young smith tried to inject into the atmosphere around their conversation, he and everyone else there knew that it was forced. Soon, things fell quiet, with neither the boy nor the smith knowing what to say next.
And that was when the Goddess intervened.
"Bell," she said, capturing his attention as she made her way from the workbench to him.
"Goddess Hephaestus…" he said, looking into her eye— crimson red and ruby red clashing— but he couldn't hold her gaze for long and he looked away, towards the ground. "I'm sorry… I couldn't save Hestia… she had to use her Arcanum so that I wouldn't be hurt anymore— because I was too weak and too stupid and jumped in without thinking."
"I wouldn't say that. You jumped in to save that monster, didn't you? Those talking monsters that she's told me about? You care about them deeply, don't you? She did, too, so I'm glad that she was able to at least try to help even if things didn't turn out the way she wanted." She crouched down in front of him and he was forced to meet her eyes. "I know Hestia: I've known her for a long time. What she would want now is for you to keep on moving forward and keep on trying your best: to do what your heart tells you to do and not to worry about her or be strung up by what happened."
He was silent and didn't respond.
"Do you understand me, Bell Cranel?"
Still, no response.
"If you love her that much, then you should keep on living out the dreams that you both had together— to help those monsters that have put their trust and love in you, too." She gestured to herself and Welf behind her. "And we both, as well as Haruhime outside, and Takemikazuchi familia and Miach familia, and Lili, will all be here for you and to support you whenever you may fall again."
This time, he did respond. "I don't want to adventure anymore."
And now it was the Goddess who was silent, truly shocked and at a loss for words. Her lips quivered, and at last, she spoke: "you…"
But she stopped herself as she heard Welf from behind her laugh. She turned, a little bit mad that he thought that this was a joke, but when she saw his eyes, she realized that that wasn't the case at all— it was far from it.
"Do you think you need to be an adventurer to keep on helping Wiene and Lyd and the others? A Hero comes in many forms— heck, you don't really even need to be a Hero to help people. You just need to have a little bit of patience, maybe a little bit of luck, and an attitude that never yields to anything."
She saw him approach and she scooched out of the way as Welf rested a hand on the boy's shoulders.
"Don't kid yourself, man. You're plenty strong… and you'll get stronger even if you don't have a Falna. I know it. Because your heart is enough to make the difference."
Whether or not the boy registered the words, he didn't give any inclination to it. He simply sat there, with his head down and his eyes closed, trying not to let those tears he thought had already dried up come.
No, it wasn't that they had dried up, it's just that he'd been crying and crying and wailing about the same thing over and over again that he realized that that wasn't what he was truly sad about. What he was sad about wasn't that he had hurt so many people or that he had killed Hestia or that he was a monster, but because he had chosen to let those things tear him down and make him passive rather than let those things become the stepping stones he needs to rise again and help others.
Then, finally, he spoke.
"I'm sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry…" his shoulders moved up and down as he sobbed and Welf crouched down to hold him tight.
"And I'm sorry, too… because I should've been there, but I wasn't."
The two young men cried their hearts out and the Goddess watched over them, silently, with her lips pressed into a melancholic yet relieved smile.
xxx
The Goddess held onto the young smith with her arms around him and her chin resting against his neck.
"I didn't expect things to turn out the way they did. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," was his response, but his voice was thick.
She pressed her lips to his cheek, gently rocking him back and forth. "Hmm, what do you know? I never got the chance to give him this…" she played with the black knife in her hands.
"Maybe some other time… there'll be plenty more chances to give it to him. Besides, I think it's better if we give it time and let him cool down. If we give it to him now, I think it'll be too painful."
He smiled at her as she moved away to stand beside him.
"I respected Lady Hestia, but I certainly wasn't as close to her as Bell was. I don't know how bad it must feel to lose someone he cares about so much, but I know that I certainly wouldn't do any better if I were to lose you."
She laughed, "you know I'm not going to go anywhere, Welf."
He looked back to the workbench.
"Yeah, it was just a passing thought… a 'what-if', I guess you can call it. But what I am saying is that I can sorta understand what Bell is going through even though I haven't really experienced it myself."
She opened her mouth to reply, but he spoke before she could.
"Anyway, enough of that… it's actually making me a little depressed just thinking about it. Come on, let's get back to work."
The words died in her mouth and she smiled gently and lovingly.
"Yes, let's get back to work and do our best."
The boy and the Renart sat together on the bench.
"Where are Mikoto and Lili?"
"Lady Mikoto is with Lord Takemikazuchi… likely training. Honestly, I think sometimes she might have a loose screw or something. Lady Lili should be with Lord Miach; she's already decided that that's where she wants to go."
"I see…"
"They will both be back by the time night falls along with everyone else. How about we go back inside to wait for them? It must be getting a little cold for you." She could see him shivering as the snow fell around him, but she didn't want to force him to do something he didn't want to do.
He just sat there for a while, not saying anything, and she was content with letting him do as he wished, simply draping another blanket over him to make sure he was warm.
Then, as if out of nowhere, he broke the silence: "I wish Wiene could see the snow. I'm sure she'd love it. It looks beautiful… but I don't know if she'll find the cold a little too harsh."
Dumbfounded, Haruhime stared at him for a solid minute before returning to herself. Nodding and trying to keep the tears from her eyes, she replied: "yeah, I think so, too. Though, I think there's also some merit to being outside and being able to frolic in it no matter how cold. Maybe, one day, on a day just like this, we can all have fun and play together."
Silence returned and they sat together outside in the snow until Bell spoke again.
"I'm a little cold, let's go inside."
Glancing over, the Renart lifted herself onto her legs, pulling the boy along with her. Wrapping him tighter in the woollen cocoon he was already trapped in, the two headed towards the doors of the Hearth Manor.
Nonetheless, before they could even take a step, two shadowy figures by the front gate caught her gaze and she stopped, squinting her eyes and peering into the fog. She made out the faces of a beautiful Elf and the young lady and she turned back to the boy.
"I think there are some people here to see us: Lady Lyu and Lady Syr. Let us welcome them inside from this disastrous weather."
The boy merely nodded mutely in response. She guided him inside and sat him down on the living room sofa before fetching their guests, welcoming them to enjoy the warmth of the still-burning fireplace of Hearth Manor, where they shook off the cold and snow from outside before settling down.
Excusing herself, Haruhime left the boy alone with the two women as silence fell over them.
It took a while before anyone said anything. It was Syr who broke the silence.
Her words were a little hesitant as if she were choosing them carefully. "Bell, are you feeling alright?"
He hesitated for a bit, as he had to truly consider the answer to that question. It didn't take long though and he gave her a nod of affirmation. "I think I'm feeling alright. Just still a little bit tired and burnt out from everything, that's all. And a little bit sore, too. But the doctors say that I'm not injured badly, so I guess I'm thankful for that."
But even despite the confidence he tried to inject into his voice and words, both Lyu and Syr could tell that the boy was not truly alright like he had claimed. Lyu, who could almost relate in a dreadful way to the boy, merely remained quiet, observing him with sad and melancholic eyes.
Syr, too, had those same eyes… but there was also something else there. She fell silent again, but the question burned at the back of her mind. She knew that it would be problematic if she said it aloud. She knew that if she asked the question, then the boy might hate her for the rest of her life, and yet she wanted the answer— needed it.
Her fists tightened and the hem of her dress, bunching up the fabric.
The words that sat at the tip of her tongue could be the end of her. She knew—
"— it's a gamble… but…"
"Bell," she stopped to catch her breath. The boy turned his attention towards her and she whispered: "what happened?"
The boy stared at her, silent. As did her companion.
They say curiosity kills the cat.
The new silence that fell over them was heavy— like the world itself was on their shoulders, yet…
The boy pressed his lips into a fine line and gave the girl his bravest smile.
"I lost control of myself… it was my fault… everything that happened. If I had been smarter about everything, then maybe things would be different. If I was stronger or if…" he stopped himself and gave an almost hysterical laugh that made both Lyu and Syr flinch. "Well, it's too late to say 'if'."
Meekly, Syr looked away. "I'm sorry… I just… it just looked like you were hurting so much that I couldn't help but ask. I shouldn't have. But, I just felt like if I knew, then maybe I'd be able to…" The tears pricked her eyes and she squeezed them shut, trying to drive them away. "I'm… sor… ry…" Her jaw snapped shut as she stifled a sob.
Lyu looked on at the pair: to the boy— whose eyes were so dull and so devoid of the beautiful red shine they usually have— who sat despondently, staring blankly at the sobbing girl.
She could feel it— deep in her heart. That look on the boy's face was surely the same as hers all those years ago. But for her, she had someone: that one girl who reached her hand out and saved her from the darkness. Not only that, but when the darkness reemerged, it was the boy who had refused to give her up.
Her lips pressed into a fine line and her eyes widened as she felt herself shaking even despite the warmth radiating from the hearth.
No, it wasn't because she was cold. But then what was it?
She looked up once more, meeting the boy's ruby-red eyes. Gasping, she called out to him—
"Bell—"
— or, at the very least, she tried to. Yet no sound would come out of her mouth.
"Every time I try, I feel like I can't…"
She looked down at her lap.
"Unapproachable… distant… and long gone…"
The corners of her eyes felt hot and stung and she tried to blink that sensation away.
"Perhaps if I had done something earlier, then it wouldn't have been like this. Perhaps if I hadn't run away, then it would be different… and I would still be able to reach out…"
She felt her palm opening, and she could remember the feeling of his hand in hers. It wasn't all that long ago, and yet it felt like it was.
"...like this…"
Far too long ago, and now, she knew that that feeling would not return.
"I'm confused and scared. Because it's you. I've never truly understood how I truly felt or any of that… and now it feels like there's so much lost time and distance between us."
A small smile graced her face.
"I always knew that there was someone else… another girl that you loved… it was a little decrepit and vain wish of mine that perhaps I was wrong or perhaps that you would come to think of me as something not untouchable… yet in that time, you became to me, the very thing that I wanted to rid myself of."
And after so long in silence and stillness, the Elf finally leaned forward: away from her friend whom she had gently wrapped her arms around and instead towards the boy. She reached out, grabbing hold of his hands, wishing to feel the warmth within them once more— and although it was there, it felt far too different and far too foreign for her to calm them the hands of the boy once knew.
Rough— even rougher than before. A little bit tingly, like small static. Small, like he had grown younger— or perhaps like he truly was now a boy who cowered when faced with the magnitude of circumstance and the dreadful angst of Fate. And also shaky and unstable: like those many painstaking hours he had spent training himself and fortifying his body and mind for combat had been whisked away… by the wind.
"Unreachable. Distant. Lost."
"Perhaps if I had reached out and resolutely grabbed hold of these hands sooner, then things would be different. Perhaps if I had the courage to do that, then I could still be able to reach out to you."
She met his eyes and smiled, bravely.
"But, I think if it's you, then it will be alright. Surely, I am sad that it may take much time for me to be able to join back with you… or maybe even never— Gods, I hope not— but I still hold these fond memories of you and who you are."
Her grip tightened and she squeezed her eyes shut as well. Almost as if she were—
"No matter what stands in your way, you will climb over it and stand back up. When we fought the Black Goliath on the 18th Floor, you showed me your courage and your strength even despite how scared you might've felt. When we fought Apollo familia, you showed me your determination and your love for your Goddess and family. When I fought for you against Loki familia… for those talking monsters… you showed me just how far you'd be willing to go to help others, for Justice and Heroism. And when we fought together— survived together— in those deep floors against that accursed Juggernaut… when you held me and reassured me and never gave up on me even when I had already given up on myself."
— as if she were praying. For his recovery and well-being: for his ever-lasting fortune… or mayhaps for her own fortune to stand alongside him in time.
"If it's you, then it will be alright. You'll get back up again. After all, we haven't the time to dwell. For Adventurers, our paths always point forward."
Finally, she broke away from the boy. Then, resting on her knees for a few moments, she finally stood back up, turning to face her companion who had already run out of tears.
"Syr," she said, her voice heavy and thick. "Let us be off. Mama Mia is waiting for us."
Even still, with no tears, the girl wept. "But… Lyu…"
"It's alright," she smiled at the sobbing girl and wrapped her arms around her, helping her stand on her feet. "Everything will be alright; give it some time. Everything will be alright, I promise."
"This is the best that I can do now. This is all that I can do now. But it will be enough. We are strong and we will overcome. That's the way it has always been."
Slowly and gently, the Elf led the girl away, towards the main doors. Bell watched them go silently. As they reached the door and prepared to leave, Lyu turned back to face the boy. She gave him the bravest smile she could.
"Please stay well, Bell. While the city is being rebuilt, rest, and remain in the company of your familia… and also us, your friends."
She looked to the floor a few moments after their eyes met.
"I'm sorry…"
"I wish I could have done more… but I can't… not right now. Not with everything in here."
Lifting her hands to her chest she finally turned away.
"I'm sorry."
And she made for the door, easing it open and hearing its painstaking creak off its axle. Then, as the door closed behind her, a voice, carried by the winds brushing past the fading warmth of the wind, reached her.
"You don't need to apologize. It's not your fault."
Her lips pressed into a fine line and she felt the corners of her eyes grow hot once more.
"I know…" she muttered to herself. "I know that… I know that that's true… yet I somehow can't say that I deserve this mercy."
And fighting off the tears in her eyes, she carried off her destitute friend into the fog and storm, trudging in the cold snow that had settled upon Orario.
So cold and so drear was the weather and so grim was her heart and mind that she did not notice the violet eyes that traced her person through the storm.
"The beacon of light— the sword of light and Justice— Goddess Astraea, please offer us that light."
Bell had been seated in the dining room long before dinner was served. He watched vacantly as people: his close friends and family— the people he knew, loved, and cherished— all filed in one-by-one.
First came Welf alongside Hephaestus, returning from the young smith's workshop. He and Haruhime welcomed the Goddess to remain for the dinner and festivities and she gladly accepted.
Perhaps half an hour went by until Lili returned, followed closely by Miach, Naaza, Daphne, and Cassandra. Caught up in the warmth of the fiercely burning hearth, they seated themselves and waited for dinner to be served.
Then, just a few minutes after Miach familia, Takemikazuchi familia arrived as well. Led by their patron god and Mikoto, they settled into the atmosphere very quickly, caught up in the atmosphere. God Takemikazuchi and Ouka both took their seats while Mikoto and Chigusa left to see Haruhime.
After a few more minutes, the ladies returned. Haruhime and Chigusa both pushed along a small cart of their own, stacked with plates, dishes, and food. Mikoto hauled a large pot with her as steam billowed from the top.
Smiles were shared between each of the people who sat in the mess hall. Not long after, Haruhime, Mikoto, and Chigusa joined them at the dining table. Chigusa tucked herself between her God and Ouka. Mikoto, too, sat next to her God. And, beside her, Haruhime settled down between her best friend and the silent boy.
And as if that silence was infectious, the others fell silent as well. The chatter settled down and soon enough, the only sound that filled the mess hall was the slight crackling of the fire that danced in the hearth.
Nonetheless, the silence was broken, perhaps by an unlikely place.
Haruhime stood up, holding up a wine glass, though there was no wine in it.
"Uhm… mmh…" she stood up, though she knew not of what exactly to say. And, to be fair, what was she supposed to say? She hadn't done anything like this before, after all, this was her first time truly experiencing the Winter Holy Festival, but even regardless of that…
"Let Fate and Fortune be ever-smiling." But what was so fortunate about this year other than the Fate that drove tragedy?
"Let Fate and Fortune grace us and bring about prosperity." Yet this is nothing more than a grim reminder and the opening of fresh, unhealed wounds.
The spirit of the Holy Winter Festival is wide enough to encompass the atmosphere of Elegia as need be: in fact, it is during these cold, winter months when depression and dread hung in the air as easily as the common flu.
Everyone that had gathered here knew that the best remedy for the situation was to be together: to show solidarity and to aid the ailing boy who so desperately needed an escape and a way to smile again, so they had forged forward with the celebrations and festivities rather than mourning— because they knew that it was what the boy needed and what she would have wanted…
"Haruhime, pull yourself together. This is your chance. This is what you need to do and something only you can do! Lady Lili is surely smart, but even she admitted that something like this was outside her abilities: she is relying on you. Master Welf, too, no matter how rigid, formidable, and tempered his mind and body are, even the ever-burning flames of his forge require the aid of another to be stoked. And Lady Mikoto… she has grown distant lately, no doubt because of the recent tragedy but also even before that. No doubt that the passing of Lady Hestia has deeply wounded her. Reach out a hand, just like they did before…"
She swept her turquoise-green eyes across the room, meeting the eyes of each individual who sat, silently awaiting her words.
"Everyone who has gathered here. Takemikazuchi familia and Lord Takemikazuchi, Miach familia and Lord Miach, as well as Lady Hephaestus… we are all here and hurt. We are all here and gathered here to mourn the passing of Lady Hestia… but we are also here to be together. In solidarity and commune…"
Joy and gratitude are two words many would associate with the Holy Winter Festival. The Holy Rituals and celebrations predate the Age of Gods. Yet, there is also one other important detail: the Holy Winter Festival occurs during wintertime. When the days shorten and the weather gets drear and cold. In the Ancient Times, soldiers deployed to the battlefront are relieved of their duties to return home. They return to their families and in that time, they gather together with those they love and cherish around the central hearth.
And they bask in its warmth and guidance: in its embrace. It was a sign that they have survived the year; that they've become stronger and changed.
Her lips pressed into a fine line. And then, she took a deep breath, calming the beating of her heart before she lifted the glass once more. The words came loud and clear.
"A toast to a family: to an unshakeable, unbreakable, and undefeatable family."
There was a knock on the door. Taking a few seconds to compose himself, he called out: "come in," and the door eased open.
He was expecting the Renart but instead came in an entourage of four people. Following the lead of their God, Naaza, Daphne, and Cassandra all filed in. A moment later, Takemikazuchi entered, too, and trailing behind were Ouka and Chigusa. The door behind them closed with a soft click and they took a stand by the door.
They stood in silence. Finally, it was the God Miach that broke the silence.
"Bell, look here," he said— partially commanded— and the boy lifted his gaze to meet the deity's eyes. He watched as the God approached, kneeling before him to be at eye-level with him.
"Did something happen?" Bell asked.
But the God merely remained silent for a few moments and merely met the boy's eyes. Bell averted his gaze just as fast.
"Don't…" he muttered softly under his breath. "Don't… stop—"
"Tell me, Bell, what do you want to do now?"
The boy frowned. His eyebrows furrowed and his lips pressed into a fine line. He took in a deep breath. "I… I'm not exactly sure what you mean, Lord Miach."
The God paused. "I mean, are you going to stay here forever?"
"Well, where else can I go…? Besides, I can't just…" he gritted his teeth, "I can't just run away, now… after everything, I have to…"
"That's not what I meant."
"Hestia is gone. I can't be an Adventurer anymore after everything I've done."
The God pursed his lips. "So you'll give up on your dreams? Is that what you're saying?"
Behind him, the God Takemikazuchi cursed his fellow deity under his breath. Miach's followers, too, glared at their own God, not knowing what exactly their always-gentle patron deity was trying to do.
Even still, it seemed as though Bell paid them no mind. And the realization that dawned on Takemikazuchi and the assembled Adventurers caused their momentary anger at Miach to evaporate— replaced only by pity and sadness.
"Well, what else is there to do?"
"Hestia always told me that your dream was to be a Hero. The Heroes of the Ancient Times needed not the blessings of Gods to become great and to do great things."
"But I'm not like them. They are unwavering, uncorrupted, and unyielding. Do you think that I'm like them?"
"Well, of course, it is natural that all of us Gods would wish that our children were like that. We all want to believe that they can achieve more than just their time with us— no matter how painful that wish may be for us Gods."
The boy did not respond to that, only lowering his gaze. After a while, he spoke: "did Lili put you up to this?"
A playful smile came to the God's face. He shrugged, "I can't say."
He looked at the God with an awful glare like he didn't quite trust the gentle deity even despite how nice he knew him to be. "So then was what you said true? Or was it just something to make me feel better?"
"Hestia loved you… she always wanted what was best for you." He stopped himself, "well, actually, perhaps there was a time when she wanted you only for herself, but I think recently she has started changing— if only for a little bit."
"Well, it's not like that matters anymore. She should know why."
Miach said nothing to the boy for a bit, as if giving Bell time to process his own thoughts and words. "Are you sure that that's all you wanted to do? Isn't there something else? Something else you cherish deeply? Will you give up on them, too?"
Bell swallowed, looking up frantically. "Of course not—!"
"Then you already have your answer, right?"
The boy could not respond and merely lowered his gaze once more. And this time, rather than continue the lecture, the God merely raised his hand, settling it on the Bell's shoulder.
"Don't forget, Bell. It is what makes you stronger; it is evidence that you are stronger than you realize."
And with that, the God got up from his knees, striding away as the three ladies in his familia all stepped forward.
Cassandra was already crying and Daphne held onto her firmly and helped her walk forward. Naaza was the first to reach Bell and she crouched low, setting her hand gently on top of his head.
"There, there… it'll all be alright, soon."
Bell grimaced. "But, I'm not…" even despite the facade he tried to put up, a sob escaped him. "I'm not…"
"There, there."
"I'm not… sad…?"
"There, there…" she said again, briefly wrapping her arms around him before parting.
Almost immediately, Cassandra knelt before him and it took all Daphne could do to make sure she didn't hit her head on something.
"I should have—! I'm sorry…" she said between her sobs. Tears streamed down her face. "I should have done something… I saw something, but I didn't… I didn't… do anything…"
Grimacing, Bell raised a hand trying to calm her down. "It's not your fault… none of it was your fault. You did everything you could have done… there was nothing you could have done—" Even deeper went his frown. "That was uncalled for, I shouldn't have said that…"
"No, but, I saw it…" Cassandra continued as if she heard not Bell's words of reassurance. "I had some idea that it would happen… I didn't know what exactly would happen, but I knew that something would…" She tried to meet his eyes, frantically. "Don't you believe me? Tell me you believe me, please!"
He responded after a brief pause: "I do. But even still—"
"Then why? Why do you reassure me and say it's all okay? Aren't you mad!? I knew… I knew… I knew—! And I couldn't do anything…"
Silence overcame him and he met her eyes. "I believe you… I've always believed you. But whether or not we knew it would happen or not, the result was because of my own faults and incompetence."
"I… can't accept that…" was her response. But, as if sensing that the conversation had gone in a not-so-good way, Daphne pulled her friend up from the floor.
"Come on," she said, "let's go cool down."
"But, I'm not…"
"Are you going to keep on blaming yourself over and over again like how you keep on talking about those dreams? Come on, don't be so silly; you're such a helpless girl."
Cassandra gritted her teeth, "Daphne…"
"You would do well to listen, I think." This time, it was Bell who interjected. "She's your friend, isn't she?"
"Worry about yourself, Bell." Came the swift and curt reply. "I'll take care of this silly girl for you—"
"No, for you." Bell smiled at the girl. "Love her and cherish her. I know you care deeply about her and she, to you, too. Not for me; don't do it for me." It was a pained smile, she could tell. "Do it for her; do it for you."
Daphne and Cassandra both stood there, silently for a few moments. Finally, she turned the other way, hauling her friend along with her. She huffed out a breath. "I could say the same about you. Don't you have things you want to love, cherish, and protect?"
And with that, the two women left the room. Their Captain followed, swiftly chasing after them with her patron God in tow. This left only Takemikazuchi familia left in the room.
Bell turned to the God. "Lord Takemikzuchi, please take care of them for me."
But the deity merely raised an eyebrow. "They can take care of themselves, Bell. You know that: they're both strong."
The boy simply smiled. "I know, but…"
"And even when they falter, you'll still be here for them won't you?" The God stopped in front of the boy. "They've grown to rely on you… and while normally I would be opposed to such a thing, I don't think it's so bad after all." He rested a firm hand on the boy's shoulder. "They need you, and you need them in turn. They are as much in your life as you are in theirs. When they needed a shoulder to lean on or someone to watch their backs, you were there— and you will always be the one they look towards. And when you needed a shoulder to lean on or someone to watch your back, they were there, and they will always be there." He smiled reassuringly at the boy. "Never forget that. Chin up, Bell. When a warrior falls, the only thing they can and will do is to get back up."
Ouka and Chigusa approached from behind the God and Takemikazuchi pulled away, letting his disciples get their own words in.
"Fighting monsters and diving into the Dungeon is vastly different than coping with the loss of someone you hold dear," the warrior began. "I hope I never have to experience something like that. I'm strong, but even I know that I'm not that strong." He held the hand of the girl next to him. "Since when I was young, I've always trained myself to become physically stronger so that I could help and protect those around me. I fear the day when I won't be able to, and I fear that I won't be able to stand up again."
He paused, his hands curling into fists. Bell could hear the bones creaking under the immense grip and he swallowed, meeting eyes with the large man who stood in front of him. And yet, despite the young man's large, hulking frame, the deep frown on his face and the tenderness in his eyes took Bell by surprise.
"Seeing you, I realize that perhaps that's not so much of an irrational fear of mine. Yet, at the same time, I realize also that perhaps this is yet another hurdle we must face and overcome to become stronger."
The eyes of two young men held each other. Two young men who shared the same dreams, goals, and fears.
"But I want to do it. I'll do it. I'll do it for the people around me who've supported me: for those back home in the Far East that struggled and gave me the chance to stand here today; for Lord Takemikazuchi who has taught me so much; for the other Adventurers in Orario who have become my rivals and the people who I aspire to be and then overcome; and for the woman I love and will always do my damnest to protect."
The glint in his eyes was unmistakable. An unmistakable, unshakeable, and unyielding will and drive.
"I will do it for them."
Hunger. Yet that hunger was exactly what made him so vulnerable and fragile… so distinctly human. It meant that he was still going along and struggling and doing his best no matter what.
Within a few moments, the boy sat alone in his room with only the fading echoes of those words resounding within his mind.
He snuck quietly around the upper floor of the Hearth Manor. Stumbling over to the railing, he peered down the balcony, seeing the small, warm lights that drew him in. He could hear the hushed voices and the wonderful aroma of baked goods.
Almost as if he were hovering, he made no noise as his feet carried him over to the apex of the staircase, and almost in a trance, he took a step forward, only to stop as soon as his foot met the step.
His brows furrowed as he heard a small clack permeate the silence surrounding him. He instinctively turned towards it, curiosity having captured his attention.
Then, he heard it again. And again and again. And he shuffled toward the source of the noise.
Finally, he eased the door open to the small study, finding the little Pallum with her back turned towards the door, hovering over the table, swaying from side to side as if she were in a daze.
Clack.
The sound rang sharply in his ears.
Clack.
It came again, fast.
Clack. Clack.
And again and again. Increasing in tempo.
Clack. Clack. Clack.
The boy considered his options. Should he just mind his own business and leave her alone? Or should he say something?
Clack. Clack. Clack. Clack.
She seemed to be attending to herself and she seemed like she didn't want to be bothered, yet… she also seemed so lonely up here like that. Why wasn't she with the others? Why wasn't she celebrating with the others? She should be; this was a time for festivities.
And it was that that gave the boy the courage to walk forward towards the girl.
Clack. Clack. Clack. Clack. Clack. Clack.
"Hey, Lili…" he began, gently nudging her on her shoulder. And in an instant, almost like she had been scared, she jumped up in her seat, spinning her head around to meet his eyes.
Their gazes met: a warm, chestnut brown and a striking ruby red. And they remained frozen for a few moments until finally, the girl stirred from her daze. "Bell… I… uhm…"
He was silent as he sat in the seat opposite her.
"I just… wanted some time to myself… I just needed some time to think…"
He leaned over the table, hearing her muttering to herself under her breath.
"Everyone's happy… but… it's not going to stay that way forever. All of the smiles they have on their faces; they feel so forced. I should know, after all, I did it plenty back when I was still in God Soma's familia."
Listening to her concerns, his eyes swept over the board, watching as the girl feverishly played with the pieces.
"I'm thinking… but I don't know what to do. It just feels like everything we've done up until now has been for nothing. We've all gone our separate ways… and everyone is trying to remain strong and hopeful, but I just… can't…"
Bell shifted his own hands across the board. He didn't play this game often, but he knew enough that he could play it for fun. He was sure that Lili's skills were far beyond his, but despite that, he began rearranging the board, taking the pieces from her grasp and gently ordering them. In neat rows, both sides stood at attention, ready for the ensuing battle.
"We were strong because we were together: because we had each other."
As if not paying attention to her words, Bell moved his pawn forward.
"We're all still here, but it feels wrong. Like we've lost the very thing that made us all strong collectively even if we're all still…"
Bell waited patiently for her to make her move, yet she had no such intentions, and merely sat there, unmoving. Finally, after so long in silence, the boy spoke: "then why not forget about all of that for now? And play?"
That seemed to break her out of her stupor, and after a brief hesitation, she reached for the piece in front of her, snapping it into place. Nonetheless, "but how can I?" she asked. "Especially more so now, we all have to…"
The thought left her as she watched Bell play his next move. She reciprocated in kind in a split second.
Clack. Clack.
"We all have to work hard and do our best. To regain what we lost."
He made yet another move and she replied lightning-quick.
Clack. Clack.
"I was their leader and strategist. When we were in the weeds and we needed a glimmer of hope to break through, it was up to me."
Bell advanced his knight while Lili developed her Bishop. Then, he continued fortifying his defenses, preparing for her offensive to begin.
Clack. Clack. Clack. Clack.
"But now I can't do anything. For some reason, I just…" Her face contorted into a scowl as the pieces shifted across the board. At long last, her forces were ready, and she immediately attacked, jumping forward with the knight from the right. Bell sent his own pieces forward to meet her attack head-on, hoping to stop her from gaining too much of an advantage.
Clack. Clack. Clack.
Yet the attacks came over and over again, relentlessly. They traded pieces. At times, it seemed like the position was hopeless but he nonetheless forged through. And almost like he somehow found the right moves to play— whether by sheer luck or perhaps with a little bit of intuition— the sky, so to speak, began clearing. He was sure he'd never be able to mount a counterattack but he forged forward nonetheless and tried his best to read the pieces and their movements.
Clack. Clack.
The knights fled the board, followed shortly by the queens and then the bishops. Bell fervently danced his king around the remaining pawns and rook, running from Lili's relentless attack. Nonetheless, he remained on the tip of his toes: as if skirting around death, for now.
Clack. Clack. Clack. Clack. Clack.
And finally, the sound of play stopped. As the two players hovered over the board, scrutinizing the position, an unspoken draw was declared between them.
Bell swiped at the pieces on the board. "Almost feels like if you were down in the Dungeon fighting monsters. Really gets going, doesn't it?" He began resetting the pieces, placing them back into their rank-and-file. "Want to go again? Another one, and then we'll go celebrate with the others."
But the girl didn't respond for a moment, then, after a long while, she nodded meekly and began organizing her own side. This time, she had the white pieces.
"You played well," she said as she swiftly set her king into place. Then, she reached for her king's pawn and shifted it forward.
Bell didn't respond, though. And his pieces remained untouched for a long while. So long, in fact, that Lili looked up from the board to meet his eyes.
"Nah, I think I just got a little bit lucky."
She raised her eyebrows as he said this. "Luck has nothing to do with chess, Bell. What are you saying?"
He simply raised an eyebrow. "Well, of course, it does. Fortune, misfortune, and luck. It comes and goes. Sometimes we have control over it but most of the time we don't." He played with the queen piece, gently rocking it back and forward. "In hindsight, we always wished that we had control over it; I wish I did… truly."
His lips pressed into a fine line and mist came to his eyes.
"But if we dwell too much on what could have been, we blind ourselves to what can be."
His hands curled into tight fists.
"There's nothing wrong with taking a step back and taking a deep breath. There's nothing wrong with playing it slowly from time to time."
He met her eyes.
"Right?"
Bell sat outside the doors of the Hearth Manor, absent-mindedly looking at the clouds that rolled in from above. He was broken from his daze as he heard someone approach, and also their voice calling out to him.
"Bell," she said, and he turned to meet her deep, blue-violet eyes. There was a shallow frown on her face and her shoulders were tense. Nonetheless, the boy simply smiled, gesturing for her to take a seat if she so wished.
And she did after a moment of hesitation, scooching close to him on the bench. Then, letting his gaze fall back onto the sky, he sat in silence, as did the girl beside him.
After what seemed like an eternity, she finally broke the silence. "I'm sorry, Bell."
He turned to her with a raised eyebrow. "What for?"
She played with the hem of her jacket. "For a lot of things. Of course, the first time we met and the pass parade."
"Didn't I say that was no big deal?" He waved his hands to dismiss the thought.
Nonetheless, she pressed on; quite adamantly that Bell was almost taken aback a little. Her voice was firm yet not so gentle at all. "Then when the incident on the 18th Floor happened, I felt powerless to do anything. It almost cost you and Ouka your lives."
He shook his head and folded his arms over his chest. "No one could have predicted it. Nor could we have prepared for it. We all worked together and survived, isn't that all that matters?"
"And in my haste to try and redeem my honour and the honour of Takemikazuchi familia, I became a member of Lady Hestia's familia to defend against God Apollo and his terrible schemes. Yet, I feel like even then I didn't do nearly enough to help." She sighed, clasping her fingers together and squeezing her hands.
Bell turned to her with an almost hysterical look on his face as if he was a little bit confused. Truly, he was, because he wasn't so sure what the girl was saying. He heard them and they sounded like Koine; the structure was right, too, but the words were unintelligible to him: they held no meaning. "We couldn't have won against God Apollo in the War Game if it weren't for your performance and that magic of yours."
If she noticed the look on his face though, she didn't acknowledge it. "Then I even dragged you along with me, nearly waging war against Ishtar familia to save Haruhime."
"And I'm glad for that regardless. She has become an indispensable member of our familia. The familia would not be the same without her. We would not have been able to become so strong without her support." A smile came to his face as he looked up to the clouds once more as if he were picturing her face.
Her hands tightened into fists. "I was among the few people in the familia who was against Wiene's presence in our familia. I disagreed with my best friend and also the people who had allowed me the opportunity to grow stronger and also repay for my mistakes."
"Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I know, just like Lili, Welf, and all of the other people who helped us, you only wanted our familia to be safe. I hold no grudge against any of you for this." He shook his head.
Her face deepened into a scowl and it looked almost frightening. "Against the irregular Moss Huge, I was powerless. It was all I could do just to keep myself from dying to that monster. If it weren't for Aisha's help or Lili and Welf's quick thinking… Not only that, but we ended up not being able to help you as you stepped away from the group to aid Lyu."
He was taken aback for a few moments before recomposing himself. "I have been told that your contribution to the fighting against the Moss Huge, while I was gone, was commendable. Even more impressive was the strength and resilience you showed fighting against the Amphisbaena when I was gone. Aisha says that the group wouldn't have survived if it weren't for your magic and bravery in the fight."
Then, she relaxed and the tension in her face and shoulders left. Drawing her knees to her chest, she nestled her chin within her arms. "And in the most recent expeditions, I felt like I had taken advantage of you and everyone else. I was so busy chasing after my own goals to become stronger… as if I felt stuck and that I needed to do something— to accomplish something— before the year ended. Even when I had already levelled up earlier in the year, I felt like it wasn't enough… I guess I was a little bit jealous about how you were so strong and able to get so strong so fast."
"Yet you showed incredible power and strength holding our rearguard alongside Aisha. I wouldn't be able to focus on fighting in the front if it weren't for the security that you bring to protect our supporters and mage." He shrugged. "Besides, we Adventurers go on Adventures to become stronger; there's nothing wrong with that."
"Courage in fighting and yet no backbone in my own ideals and honour. I practically left you and the rest for dead and escaped with my team to Rivira rather than try to find you and help you. I say that I take pride in my honour and justice, yet I could even—"
"This is the Dungeon we're talking about, Mikoto. We need to think for ourselves sometimes. Someone returning alive to mourn is better than everyone dying and there not being even a glimmer of closure. If anything, it's my fault. I almost lost the trust that Lady Hestia and all of the other Gods had placed in me as their Captain and leader."
"But you wouldn't have left us; I know it…"
This time, the boy did not respond. He merely took in a deep breath.
"I couldn't do anything… nothing at all. I was the second strongest in Hestia familia and I was supposed to be there to help you when you and Lady Hestia needed us the most. Yet all we did was waste around and watched as the most precious things in our lives left our hands and passed through the seams of our fingertips."
He sighed. "It is the truth of our world that some things are out of our control. All we can do, then, is to try our best and never give up."
"And yet I wonder if perhaps I was just a little bit different, things would have been different, you know?" She gritted her teeth as her hands curled into fists, wrinkling her pant sleeve. "Maybe if I had been stronger. Maybe if I wasn't just satisfied with how I am now and I had actually done something to become stronger. Maybe if I could have truly held out my hand and reached out to what I wanted rather than chasing and chasing and keep on chasing after some fruitless thing."
Bell simply remained silent, listening to the girl's words. She fell silent, too. The only thing that permeated that silence was the sound of her own heavy breathing as she tried to calm herself down. Then, finally, she let out a big sigh. And, turning to the boy, she made a vow.
"Bell Cranel, I swear on my honour…" she stopped herself. "No… no, none of that. This time, I shall swear on my past self: on my own incompetence that has caused us to lose the things we both should have protected with our lives. I swear on my past self for my future self. Whenever you need a sword, I will be there. Whenever anyone needs a sword, I will be there. So that I don't ever regret anything again."
Left alone once more, stargazing, Bell released a pent-up breath, letting his eyes rest if only for a brief moment. Then, as he opened his eyes, bringing his hand to his face and rubbing the fatigue from his eyes, he hunched forward, groaning. A moment later, he felt the light and warmth from inside the Hearth Manor grow more intense. The door creaked open and out stepped Haruhime, shrouded by the light.
She settled beside Bell, taking his hand and smothering his cold fingers with her warm palm. And she sat with him for a few moments, simply resting with him.
"Come, Bell," she said at last, "everyone has settled in for the night. Are you tired?"
He nodded meekly. "A little, but…" His gaze fell upon the dark shadow hovering by the front gate. "But there's someone I haven't spoken to yet, and there she is…"
Haruhime followed his gaze. Then, accompanying him to the gate, a gentle, warm smile came to her face, reciprocated by their unexpected guest.
"Lady Aisha! I thought you were…"
The Amazon forced a smile on her face. "Well, there were some things my idiot God decided to put off to me." Then, she shrugged, "besides, my Captain deserved a break this festive season." She leaned against the side of the gate, folding her arms over her chest.
"We were all celebrating but everyone's already gone off to sleep already, so I've already set away everything, but…"
Aisha raised a placating hand, "no worries, I'm not really in the mood for such things anyways."
As if she were grasping at straws, though, Haruhime pressed on. "Would you like to stay for the night? We'll continue with celebrations in the morning."
The Amazon merely smiled in kind. "Sure. But, right now, what I'm here for…" she shifted her gaze away from the Renart and onto the boy. "... is for him. Do you mind if I borrow him for a little bit?"
"Uhm… oh… yeah, sure…"
Letting her gaze linger for just a moment, Aisha released a sigh and pushed off from the wall, marching away as Bell gave Haruhime's hand a final squeeze before letting go and chasing after the woman.
"I truly wanted to apologize, first and foremost, that I wasn't able to participate in the festivities with everyone else. Now I feel a little bad knowing that everyone was there and yet I wasn't…"
Bell didn't respond, merely follow behind.
She laughed as if trying to cheer up the depressing mood. "I left you to take care of everyone these past few days— especially that dumb Fox."
"I wouldn't say so. If anything, I feel as though they're the ones taking care of me." He shook his head.
She nodded thoughtfully. "Well, I guess that's just how Hestia familia works, wouldn't you say?"
"I suppose so…" He stuffed his hands deeper into the pockets of his jacket.
This time, she turned to him, meeting his eyes. There was an unmistakable glint in her eyes like she was threatening him or something. "And I hope that it'll continue to be that way? Surely you haven't forgotten our deal all those months ago, right?"
Bell swallowed. "I… I'm not sure if I could do it… I feel like—"
Her eyes were almost accusatory. "Well, if you won't do it, who will?"
He stumbled over his words for a few moments before finding the right thing to say. "She will be joining Takemikazuchi familia. Mikoto is more than strong enough to keep her safe— stronger than me, even."
This seemed to allow Aisha to relax. "Mikoto… I see…" And she turned around, taking in a deep breath as she played with that thought in her mind.
The two of them feel silent once more. They arrived at Central Park, where even in the dead of night, many people milled about, working hard. She broke the silence.
"And what about you? What will you do?"
He didn't respond, merely marching forward, trying to make himself feel small so that others wouldn't recognize him.
"You know Haruhime relies on you. She's inspired by you," she stifled a laugh, "why wouldn't she? After all, you were the one who saved her when no one would, right?"
"You would have eventually, wouldn't you have? I think you would have; you care about her a lot, I can tell." Bell shrugged. "Besides, Mikoto was just as adamant about saving Haruhime. Not only that, I wouldn't even have met her if it weren't for Mikoto. I was just at the right place at the right time; pure luck. And during all of the fighting, it was Mikoto who gave me the chance to do what I needed to do to save Haruhime. If it weren't for her, then…"
"So you'll just give up? Is that what you're saying? You'll chalk up all of the things you've done so far to luck and just say you did all that you could? That doesn't sound like the Bell I knew."
He shook his head. "No, I won't… because…" he took in a deep breath as his voice caught in his through. The tears hung at the corners of his eyes. "Because I feel like I can't… truly, I want to be able to keep on fighting: to protect my friends and my family and to keep them safe, yet…" he sighed. "I guess that's just a little bit of a wistful dream of mine. In the end, it'll be up to the Gods to decide what is my Fate. There's nothing I can do about it, but I'll keep on struggling and trying my best."
Aisha stopped, meeting eyes with the boy. Ruby red met blue-violet, and they held each other for a brief moment before the Amazon finally tore her gaze away, her lips pressed into a fine line and a grimace creeping up on her face.
"At the same time, it's commendable and yet a little frustrating. That you would still be willing to put yourself on the line to protect those you care about… it's truly inspiring." Her hands curled into fists. "Could I do that? I don't even know, honestly; I'm not sure if I'm that type of person… yet I could relate to it on some level. I would do anything for her, after all…"
Breathing out a sigh, "let's go back. If we stay out too long, Haruhime will get worried," she said.
"Even despite everything that's happened, you can still keep on standing. I don't know how that would feel, I never truly favoured Ishtar all that much. If anything, the only thing I was truly worried about was the safety of the girls I commanded and whether or not they'd be okay without Ishtar, but they were all able to find their own places to be, so I was relieved."
The boy nodded and the two began their trek back along the way they came.
"But, don't you think it's alright if, for just a brief moment, you just… stopped? I don't say this to mean you should give up, but maybe sometimes, it'd be good to truly look at the things you have before they're gone."
She stared at the back of his head, watching his snow-white hair sway in the gentle wind.
"You care so much about your family— about those you love and cherish… yet I wonder, if, in time…"
She closed her eyes, and in her mind, she saw those purple eyes glaring back at her. The pain was etched into her face especially more so as she tightened the grip on the hem of her garb.
"—what does that mean for us!? Do we just leave and escape? To save ourselves—!?"
The despair that she saw in the young warrior's eyes that day. And the realization that that despair was the burden she herself must carry.
"We're weak." Those words were like being spat in the face. "The rest of us will just slow you down and burden you and cause extra problems for you and Bell and Lili and Lyu— is that it!? Just come out and say it already—!"
She gritted her teeth and averted her gaze. "I wonder if, in time, like me, by always struggling and hurting so much to help them, you'll end up believing you know what's better for them than even they do for themselves."
Bell stood quietly surrounded by a group of Guild workers and Ganesha familia members. Almost as if it were ironic or maybe symbolic of something, he stood and would be tried on the very grounds of his crime.
He was sure that normally such a thing would be done in the Pantheon, where the hearing would be open only to select individuals and also so that they wouldn't have to stand outside, especially in the snow, but thinking deeper about it, he realized that this was well-planned.
Just like when Ikelos familia was publicly ousted by the Guild during the wake of the Xenos fiasco, he would be tried publicly— very publicly— in the presence of the eyes and ears of the citizens of Orario. Everyone would know just exactly what he would be accused of and punished for. Not only that, but everyone would also be aware of his punishment and the justifications for his punishment.
It was a way to calm the masses and to ensure that there won't be any problems moving forward while Babel and Central Park are being rebuilt. Having to deal with more problems is something that the Guild and Ouranos would want to avoid as much as possible during such a time.
He lifted his gaze, catching the eyes of his friends and family through the crowd that had gathered. He smiled, reassuring them that it would all be okay, but in hindsight, he realized that it probably made him look even more deranged. He surely wouldn't want to see a convicted criminal smiling at their own trial.
Then, he swept his eyes across. And, on the opposite side, he saw Ais with Riveria by her side. Briefly, their gazes met. Her golden eyes were like a mirror: he could see his own reflection in those eyes, yet, it looked, like—
The space above them seemed to distort, letting open a collection of mirrors. And then, a moment later, a loud booming voice washed over Central Park. Immediately, as if the gathered citizens of Orario knew exactly who it was, a hush fell over them allowing the Old God to give his commandment.
"We now proceed with the sentencing of Bell Cranel and Ais Wallenstein. We begin with Bell Cranel. Lord Ganesha shall supervise the proceedings."
The boy's eyes shifted over to the masked God for a brief moment before they went back to the sky where the voice came from. Lord Ouranos spoke again:
"Bell Cranel is accused under suspicion of terrorism on the night of the Winter Solstice, 1012 post Deos. Lord Ganesha shall now present the evidence and Bell Cranel will be allowed to give his statement."
This is my take on Bell's relationship with Alfia. I know a lot of people like Alfia and like to write/read stories where she is redeemed, but I think given the context, the way Bell reacted is justified and makes sense.
Other than that, I wish a Happy Holidays to you readers ^^
Reviews and criticism are always appreciated.