XXIX:

"Today is a very special day, amigo," Rafael said as he carefully soaped Noah up in the shower. "Not every day of the year is your birthday – and that makes it special because it's the day you came into the world and changed everyone's lives." He smiled at the little boy, who was watching him with wide eyes then grinned back.

Maybe it was wrong of him, but Rafael treated Noah like he was just another person – albeit a much smaller person – and he didn't modulate his speech around him like everyone else seemed to. Higher pitches and garbled baby talk made him roll his eyes and sigh impatiently. If anything, he would go back if the phrasing seemed like it would be more than a child could handle and break it down into smaller words but generally, he made no concessions in either English or Spanish for Noah to not follow along and learn quickly. Liv, however, cooed and fawned over Noah, much to the baby's delight.

Noah adored his father – just in a different way. He would toddle around the house during the day, looking for him, then take his nap and wait for papi to come home, sitting silently on the floor, face upturned, waiting and waiting for papi to come pick him up and love on him. Storytime was the best time of the day, when they were all cuddled together on the chair in the nursery, Rafael reading softly out of any of the many books they had bought for Eva and Noah.

And he loved these quiet moments with Noah where they could just be together; he often escaped to the shower with the little boy when Liv was at work and Noah was fussy because the steam helped with his breathing, but more than that, it was quiet and soothing. And soothing was something that the child hadn't had much of in his short life. Not until he'd come to live with Rafael and Liv.

The little man was crawling around like crazy, getting into anything that was within his reach, and drawing himself up onto a standing position on the couch and chairs and abeulita's walker, bouncing and babbling his baby talk and spit bubbles. He was growing and content and, though he wasn't hitting every developmental milestone – much to Liv's dismay – Noah seemed much happier than he had been when he'd first come to live with them. He slept through the night and ate full meals and snacks and watched educational shows with Lucy and adored Elmo – god help them all.

Rafael quirked a small grin at his son and said, "Tu mami tuvo una noche difícil, hombrecito, así que dejémosla dormir un poco más. Y luego podemos festejar." The baby looked at him with those big blue eyes and processed the words, then sighed and turned his face under the shower spray. Rafael laughed and ruffled his hair under the water, getting rid of the last of the suds, then shut down the shower and slid the door open, ready to reach for a bath sheet only to find Liv standing there, holding it out for him. "You should be sleeping," he scolded.

Liv shook her head, the tiredness etched into her face, and said, "I couldn't stay down – I'll take a nap later. It's fine, Rafa." Her tone changed and she smiled. "There's my little man! Good morning, Noah – did you have a nice shower with papi?"

"He is nice and clean and smells good and needs a clean diaper before he pees everywhere," Rafael said, passing the baby off and wrapping the bath sheet around his waist with a chuckle while Liv grabbed a smaller towel to bundle Noah up in.

"Oh goodness," Liv cooed. "You wouldn't do that to mommy again, would you?" she teased. Noah giggled and pressed an open-mouthed kiss to her cheek. "Oh, Rafa, I got kisses from little man – did you get a kiss from little man this morning?"

"No, he was grumpy when he got up," Rafael said with a big theatrical pout, putting gel in his hair and running his comb through it quickly. "Mijo, you're holding out on papi."

Rafael chuckled. "I can't expect our little dude to –"

"C'mon, Noah, let's show papi how much we love him," Liv encouraged the baby gently, toting him over to the counter. She pressed several tender, soft kisses to Rafael's lips and whispered, "Thank you, Rafa. For loving me. For being a good father. For being a good man. I love you and so does this little guy."

Noah was making grabby hands and puckering his lips, his chin upturned, waiting for his turn to lay one on his dad, so Rafael leaned down and puckered up for a wet one from the baby – surprisingly, the kiss was dry and smack on the lips. "Aww, I love you, too, Noah," Rafael said softly. Noah positively beamed in reply.

"Okay, diaper time for you, little man," Liv said cheerfully. "Unless you want to try to learn to use the potty like a big boy." Noah just squinted at her in confusion, so she made a low chuckling noise and said, "Okaaaay, we're leaving that fun time for Lucy then."

Rafael gave her another quick kiss as the two headed out of the bathroom; he finished getting dried off and the usual sundries done, then padded nude into the bedroom. It took a couple of minutes to source out briefs, casual pants, socks, and a polo for the day, but by the time he was dressed, Liv and Noah were back in the room – the baby diapered and fully dressed in a long sleeved onesie with a dinosaur on the front, matching jeans with a dinosaur embroidered on the leg, and little white socks.

"How are you so quick at that? He squirms so much," Rafael muttered.

She smiled at him and said, "It's a mom thing. You look very handsome. I was just going to throw on some leggings and –"

"Olivia, you're always the hottest mami wherever we go," he assured her, "no matter what you're wearing. You don't have to dress up to make me want you; you just have to exist. You just have to be."

"Okay, but you're always… you," she said, waving in his direction and huffing, then gestured at herself, "and I look like a slob in comparison."

"No," he argued, "you're just more casual because you don't want Noah to ruin your good clothes for work – mi vida, you know I don't have eyes for anyone but you."

"You don't hear half the things I do," she muttered.

"What other people say doesn't matter."

"It still stings."

"It doesn't matter, Olivia."

"When they think that you settled for me, it matters."

Rafael scoffed and reached for Noah. "Trust me, there was no settling on my end – if anything, you settled for me. Workaholic lawyer with a bad attitude and –"

"You were never that to me," she dismissed, squeezing his forearm. "Even when we didn't connect, we were still in constant communication and I fell in love with a man who showed me my worth to him every moment of every day."

"So screw those people who want to gossip about us," he said firmly. "We know what we have, what we've lived through. We're good, mi amor. Squabbling at 85, remember?"

"Hopefully still scarring our grandchildren for life," she said, her voice thick with emotion.

"Oh, definitely," he agreed with a grin. "Now… I want you to be comfortable today, so don't think you have to get dressed up to go out – it's only the Zoo and Central Park."

"You're an odd duck, Barba," she accused with a sigh. "But I love you."

"Wouldn't have it any other way, Benson," he said with a fond chuckle, bouncing Noah on his hip.

"How's Liv doin'?" Rollins asked, leaning against the counter next to Rafael with a lemonade in hand. The one thing Liv had insisted on for Noah's birthday party was that no alcohol was served, so all the adults were painfully sober, and grinning and bearing it as best they could with as much enthusiasm as they could muster. "The last couple cases have been… tough."

"She barely slept last night," Rafael said. "And when she did, she had nightmares. I don't know how to help except to be there, but she won't talk about it –"

"Of course not," Rollins said dismissively. "She needs you to be there, not coddle her. And she needs Noah. That little guy is the best thing that could've happened for you two –"

"Tell me about it," Rafael said, watching Liv and Noah working the living room with a small smile on his face. Noah was busy grinning at Uncle Fin and patting the man's head with enthusiasm while Fin merely rolled his eyes indulgently – clearly at ease with being a parent and a grandparent. "You have no idea, Amanda."

"Well, yeah, but – when was the last time you two fucked?"

He nearly choked on his sparkling water; bubbles went up his nose and he wheezed heavily before righting himself and rasping, "I'm sorry?"

"I mean, physical intimacy is necessary in a healthy adult relationship – when was the last time you two fucked?" The casual, matter-of-fact way that the blonde said it startled him. She seemingly didn't have any ulterior motive, was just trying to help…

"Not that it's really any of your business, but we had sex the other day," he said.

"Which the other day?" she shot back.

Rafael's shoulders slumped when he mentally rolled back the days and he admitted, "Okay, like three weeks ago, but –"

"Barba! Come on." Rollins glared at him. "Thought you loved her."

"I do, Rollins," he growled, "but it's complicated."

"Right, you're well and truly out of the honeymoon phase now," she scoffed, sipping her drink. "Before Lewis, before Eva… how often did you two –"

He flushed uncomfortably. "Literally whenever we could fit it in," Rafael admitted. "Being together – it's… it's incredibly comforting and feels like home. I don't expect that to make sense to you."

"It doesn't have to make sense to me," Rollins replied. "It makes sense to you. It's your relationship."

"It breaks my heart that she feels less of herself because she lost our daughter," he said softly. "And it hurts me in every way possible that she hurts because of that man." Rafael stared into the living room, watching Noah and Liv and wishing that life wasn't so fucking complicated. "I won't be the cause of more of her pain, Amanda."

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Rafael – she doesn't need you tiptoeing on eggshells, she needs you to act like a normal human being. Yeah, you both have been through some shit – but guess what? You're still on your feet and you're still together in each other's corner and stronger for it," Rollins said. "Food for thought: why haven't you made time for sex?"

He paused for a long moment, then muttered, "I don't want to hurt her – not like him. Not ever –"

Amanda choked out a laugh. "You really think you could? It's Liv, Barba. She will hand your ass to you on a platter if you try."

"Did she send you to try to play intermediary?"

"No, she's just been really down lately and made a few comments that made me think I was going to have to shoot your ass," Rollins said. "Except I walked in the door and you couldn't keep your fuckin' eyes off her tits and ass and I knew something else is going on. I mean, I heard the rumor that you're having an affair with Connie Braga at the Mayor's office –"

"The hell I am!" he choked out. "The fact that I have to liaise with her office on legal matters –"

"That's what I'm saying," Rollins said. "And you being seen with her in public means nothing. Or walking around the Courthouse or whatever. It's not a big deal. But the rumor mill – it got to Liv and it's upsetting her but she won't say anything."

He hesitated, then said, "Manda – any chance you can babysit Friday?"

She snorted. "Nah."

"Okay then."

"I mean, you've got Lucy on retainer – you don't need me."

"If you're going to play marriage counselor…"

She paused, then said, "You forgot Friday is the Police Gala."

"Shit, I did."

"So that gives you five days to woo your woman, seduce the fuck out of her, and shove it in Connie Braga's fucking face for the cameras," Amanda said with a smirk. "That way, there's no doubt for the rumor mill who's the boss."

He watched Liv, sitting on the floor with Noah, her smile as bright as the sun and her eyes sparkling, and he wished for just a moment that he could turn back the clock and fix everything that had gone so terribly wrong for them. "She's always been the boss," Rafael said softly. "I'm just along for the ride."

TBC...