XXXV:

Life continued on at a frantic pace for the little Benson Barba household. Noah kept his mami and papi on their toes, much to their delight and dismay – but they wouldn't have it any other way after struggling so hard to get to be parents in the first place. And they adored his chubby face and delight in exploring the world around him as he grew up. The food pickiness, however, they were eager to nip in the bud with Lucia's assistance.

Rafael settled into his chambers quickly and his reputation as a fair but stern judge who advocated for what was best for the children above all else was cemented just as quickly as his rise in status. Liv's grip on command faltered once in a while, but mostly held steady with her squad as backup – and with Casey fighting in her corner, too, she had a formidable team at her disposal.

Which was why she didn't know how things could have gone so terribly wrong. She had been due at a DNA conference with Fin that morning, but had been delayed when Lucy had expressed concern about one of the neighbors. So, dutifully, Liv had gone a few doors down and been dragged into the middle of a hostage situation. Being a police officer had actually worked against her favor as the day had dragged on and her phone had pinged in Joe's hands mockingly. "Rafael is mad you missed coffee," he taunted.

Not mad, concerned, Liv corrected mentally. Afternoon coffee had become a ritual – either he came to her or she came to him with piping hot coffee and a kiss at some point in the afternoon hours because it was a way to refocus the day and remind each other that it really did get better. And for her to miss it was beyond the pale. Either she had caught a bad case or the alternative was worse.

The alternative was far worse.

Olivia began to feel surrealistically removed from the situation, even as she began communication with Tucker on the outside. She didn't trust him any further than she could throw him, but she knew that he would do less to endanger her because of their familiarity than a stranger would. And she banked on that small certainty. She needed to make it out alive; she needed desperately to stumble the few stoops down away to home and collapse into her husband's arms and hold her son.

For so many years, she had known there was a real risk of dying in harness with the NYPD. But to be so close to it, to feel the very real pulse of blood so close to the surface of her skin and be so very near to home, her life that she tried to keep separated from all of that – it was unbearable.

And then she was taking faltering steps out of the garden terrace with the children and Joe, locking eyes with a terrified Rafael in the crowd, desperate not to show recognition or fear as she followed orders –

Gunshots.

Liv was left standing, unsteady, shaky on her feet for a moment, then Tucker and Fin surged forward to grab her by the arms and hold her steady. "Were you hit?" Tucker asked, immediately smoothing her hair, checking her face and neck, while Fin growled under his breath. "Benson?"

"No," Liv denied quickly. "I'm okay – are the kids – are they okay?"

"Rollins and Carisi got them," Fin assured her. "C'mon, Liv."

Fin bundled her into the back of an ambulance where an EMT began checking her over. "I'm fine," she said quietly.

"Were you injured at all during the incident?" Tucker asked.

Her eyes flicked up to his, then away to Fin's. "I – I – yes. But not like Tess."

That was when Fin caught her drift. He squeezed her hand and nodded. "Tucker, you gotta go," he said firmly.

"She needs to deliver a statement –"

"Not the fuck now," Fin growled. "And don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you." He glared daggers until the IAB Captain vacated the ambulance. Unfortunately, he and Liv both heard what happened the second Tucker hit the pavement outside.

"I'm looking for Lieutenant Benson –"

"Yeah, well, she's not taking visitors, abogado," Tucker snapped. "And if she were, I doubt she would take you. What are you doing here, anyway?"

"I'm going to break it up before someone gets killed," Fin muttered, ducking out of the bus before Liv could protest.

Suddenly, Fin's voice cut through the sound of Tucker and Rafael's argument. "Tucker, don't you have other witness statements to get?" he said coldly. "Barba, your wife's asking for you." There was a long pause, then Fin added, "Yeah, Tucker, Benson's married. So fuck off and she'll make her statement when she's ready."

The door to the bus opened and Rafael climbed up inside. "Mi amor," he said softly.

The EMT that was working on Liv smiled a little and said, "You're going to be okay, Lieutenant Benson – just bumps and bruises."

"Thank god," Rafael said. "Thank you –"

"Yes, thank you," Liv said. "Do you mind if –"

"Nah, you can hide in here a few minutes." The woman smiled just a little. "I'm going to go see if they need me anywhere else, okay?"

Liv leaned into Rafael's arms and closed her eyes, a semi-hysterical sob bubbling up in her throat. She tried to smother it, but it came out around the edges anyway. "Hey," he whispered, rubbing her side and holding her closer. "I'm here."

"I know," she whispered. "How, though? You had court –"

"You think I didn't fly out of there like a bat out of hell the second Fin called me?" he shot back indignantly. "Are you insane, Olivia? My wife – the mother of my son – the other half of my soul – was in mortal danger and I was not about to just sit in a courtroom pretending to be okay. I can't be that objective." He pressed a fierce kiss to her temple and whispered, "If anything happened to you, Liv…"

The floodgates opened then; a heaving sob rent her torso and she began to shudder with tears. "Rafa… I tried to protect them and I couldn't," she wept. "I – Tess – she – Joe raped her. I tried to convince him to take me, but he didn't. He wouldn't."

"Of course not," Rafael said softly. "Because you know how to fight back. Because you would kill him."

"That's – that's the thing," she forced out. "I don't think I could have. Stopped him. Or fought him." She swallowed hard. "Not physically. It would have been like Lewis all over again and I –"

"Mi amor," he whispered, "you are… brave, determined, stubborn… and you beat them all today. And you saved those kids and their mom. You did good."

"Did I?" she questioned softly. At the silent pause, she sighed. "I just want to go home and hold Noah, and curl up with you in bed and eat tacos and watch trash TV and make fun of it. I want to forget that today even happened."

"I know," he whispered.

"And now Tess is never going to be able to look at me without blaming me for what happened to her –"

"Mi amor, she knows you tried to protect her," he reasoned gently. "You can't take all the guilt onto your shoulders. Not when it isn't your fault." Rafael licked his thumb, then reached up and swiped at her face. "You have blood all over you."

"I know," she sighed. "My shirt is ruined."

"Excuse to go shopping?" he teased with a hint of a smile.

Her hand was still shaking a little as she reached over to hold his tightly. "Only if you're joining me."

"Lingerie?" he suggested a little too eagerly.

"Rafa," she scolded.

"Can't blame a boy for trying to buy his girl something sexy," he shot back.

She smiled, just a little. "I love you, you know," Liv whispered. "For ages and ages. Since the night we went walking in the park with ice cream after dinner and you sang some stupid song to me and we danced under the street lights like a couple of teenagers instead of responsible adults."

He grinned at her. "That was, what, our fourth date?"

She laughed. "Were you keeping track?"

"I was pretty sure I was going to lose you back to the glamour of Manhattan and some lousy boyfriend who could at least throw down for a martini and a show once in a while," he commented. "So I was not only keeping track, I was trying to woo you with every trick in my arsenal, Mrs. Barba."

"Well," she whispered, kissing him lightly on the lips, "you won. And you've held my heart safe all these years, Rafael. Thank you." She nuzzled his nose and sighed. "I suppose I should go make my statement and get it over with so we can put today behind us."

"I can come with you –"

"No," she said softly. "While I know you mean well, you need to go home to Noah and to make sure Lucy is okay." She smiled sadly. "I'll be fine, Rafa. And I'll be home soon enough."

He made a lot of noise as he woke up and realized she wasn't in bed with him; "Liv? Mi amor?" Rafael's voice rasped sleepily across the expanse of the bedroom.

She was sitting out on the balcony with a mug of cocoa in her silk robe, listening to the sounds of the city and staring off into the lights. Liv was just trying to stop thinking, if even just for a moment. She had been awakened from a deep sleep by twisted nightmares that clung to the edges of her consciousness and left her feeling shaky and full of dismay.

"I'm here," she called back.

He got up, pulling the duvet off the bed with him and tucking it around his waist as he padded across the room. "You okay?"

She shook her head and sighed, taking another sip of cocoa.

"Can I help?"

"Not unless you can chase away nightmares," Liv mumbled. He sat down beside her, just in the doorway, and braced himself against the door jamb. "I don't want to talk about it."

"You don't have to," he promised, offering her his hand. She took it and threaded her fingers with his. "Today was rough, but tomorrow will be better."

"You can't promise that, Rafa."

"But I can," he said with a small smirk. "You're off work and so am I – they cleared my docket due to the family emergency. And I put in an order of croissants from the place for first thing tomorrow. So it's already looking up. We can take Noah to the zoo…"

She leaned against him and murmured, "You win."

"I wasn't aware it was a competition."

"Doesn't matter. You win, regardless." She leaned her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. "I… I kept thinking in that house today that if something went wrong and I died, it would be okay because you'd be here to take care of Noah. And while that should have assured me, it just left me cold inside."

"Well, yeah," Rafael said in shock. "Because we can't live without you, you crazy woman. So none of this nonsense about you dying – heroically or otherwise, okay?"

"Okay," she breathed. He stroked her hair and pressed a kiss to her temple. "Rafa… you know I would never make you worry on purpose, right?"

"I know," he agreed. "Finish your cocoa, mi amor, so we can go back to bed."

"I'm sorry I scared you –"

"It's okay, baby," he whispered, kissing her again. "It's okay. I promise. Just come back to bed."

She sighed and snuggled up to him. "Remember the first time I slept over at yours?"

He chuckled. "Do I ever."

"Perv," she teased. "I didn't mean the sex. I meant the cuddling – how we held each other like…"

"Like we were never going to let go," he said softly, reverently. "Yeah. I still feel that way, Liv, every moment of every day."

"I've never asked," she murmured, "maybe because I wasn't ready to hear the answer. But… why me, Rafael? Out of all the women in the city… why me?"

He chuckled, the sound low and deep near her ear. "Well, you know I'm very focused and career-driven. So are you. We've squabbled about it often enough. It doesn't exactly leave time for casual dating – or settling down."

"I know that bit," she muttered, nudging him in the ribs. "I know how you chose me, you giant goober. I know I was there and convenient –"

"Oh, hold on just a second, Benson," he scolded gruffly. "If you think for one damn second that falling hard for you was in any way convenient, you've got another thing coming. You are a thorn in my side, the Bonnie to my Clyde, the one person who reminds me that I have to be a better person because you are… you are the best person I've ever known, Olivia Benson. You challenge me every day, and you sure as hell don't take my shit. If anything, I don't know why you settled for me."

"I love that Noah and I are the only ones who really know you," she whispered. "That you keep yourself truly for us, and the you that's for the world is an act to protect yourself and us. You're so strong without trying, so brave and compassionate, and you had my heart so quickly I didn't even know I'd given it to you, Rafa. It doesn't scare me, the idea of how fast we came together, how… how we began… but the idea of losing you, losing this – it terrifies me to the core."

"What happened today doesn't happen every day," he reminded her gently.

She blinked and whispered, "No. But the risk is always there."

"We take calculated risks every day, Liv," he reminded her. "It's okay to be frightened. But we have to figure out a way to keep going."

"You never did tell me why you chose me out of all the women –"

He took a deep breath, hesitated. "I'd looked at your jacket before you came to work at Brooklyn SVU, just so I knew who I'd be dealing with," Rafael admitted. "And I thought I'd go in there and have to confront a bitch who knew what she was about with the combination of medals, citations, and IAB slaps." He turned and grinned at her. "Imagine my surprise when I actually met you. The problem was drumming up the courage to actually do something about how I felt."

She smiled and squeezed his hand. "I'm glad you did," she whispered. "So glad. I can't imagine walking through this life without you, Rafael."

"You have me for as long as you want me," he promised. "Or till we die – whichever comes first." He pressed another kiss to her temple. "Let's go back to bed, mi amor."

She let him help her to her feet and lead her back to bed. Once safe in his arms, she whispered, "Rafa?"

"Hmm?"

"You are the love of my life."

He let out a low laugh. "Nah, that's Noah," he teased. "But I'm okay playing second fiddle to our son."

She tangled her fingers in his hair, shifted closer to him until she was cross-eyed from looking at him in the dark. "You aren't second fiddle," Liv promised. "You are the love of my life, Rafael Barba. Noah is our son, yes, but you are my lover, my friend, the other half of my soul. I was in there today, wondering if you would be okay without me, and it was too painful to contemplate."

His fingers caressed the hair at the nape of her neck. "Shh," he whispered. "It's okay. We're all okay. Close your eyes and rest, mi amor. Everything will look better in the morning."

She was doubtful, but she trusted him implicitly. She did her best to relax, finally allowing herself to be carried back into restless slumbers in her husband's arms.

"Sorry to intrude on your day, but a couple of things have come up that couldn't wait," Dodds said as Liv let him into the living room and gestured for him to sit down.

Noah and Rafael were on the floor with some toys, and Rafael glanced up. "Chief Dodds, do you want me to leave?" he inquired.

"I assume she'll tell you everything once I leave anyway," Dodds commented dryly.

Liv scowled. "We don't discuss everything," she muttered.

"Even so… Rollins and Carisi disclosed a relationship to me today," Dodds said. "Were you aware of this?"

Liv paused, then said, "No… but good on them. I was aware of Rollins's relationship with Captain Murphy before he went undercover. I'm glad that she and Carisi have decided to embrace –"

"She's pregnant," Dodds blurted out. "So you're going to have to figure something out."

Liv chuckled. "It's nothing we haven't dealt with in the squad before."

"Meaning what?"

"Meaning we can handle it," Liv said. "Accommodations will be made."

"Inter-office fraternization…"

"Chief," Liv began gently but firmly, "I'm not going to tell them what they can and can't do in their off time. Rollins struggled after Murphy left. That she's found someone else can't hurt anything. They do the job and do it well. Having a child together, working together, won't be a problem. If it is, then we'll deal with it when it comes to it. I'm not going to break up a squad that works most efficiently as a coherent unit just because you feel –"

"Second, 1PP has decided you need a Sergeant."

"Yeah, well, they decided that a long time ago and have yet to appoint someone," she dismissed.

"That changes as of tomorrow. My son, Mike Dodds, is transferring in from Vice," he said. "He's a good kid, steady. You'll learn a lot from him. And I hope you can teach him some things."

She snorted. "And who said nepotism isn't alive and well?"

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that – he actually volunteered," Dodds said sarcastically. "Something about actually wanting to work with the great Olivia Benson."

"Infamous within your time, Liv," Rafael chimed in unhelpfully from the carpet.

"Oh hush, Your Honor," she scoffed.

"My point being that there will be changes at SVU whether or not you like it, Benson," Dodds said. "You do run a good tight ship. But there's no harm in finding other ways of doing things, or even in asking for help."

She sighed. "No, I suppose you have a point. And we can use extra hands since we're now down a detective. Again."

"You aren't down a detective, she just can't go out in the field," Rafael pointed out.

"After yesterday, 1PP thinks you should take a step back from the field for a few weeks anyway," Dodds commented. "Not that we're taking SVU away from you – just that you need to sit at a desk and evaluate what being a good commander looks like."

"Leading by example," Liv said harshly. "I think we're done here. Let me see you out, Chief – Little Man needs his nap and we're keeping him from it."

"You're really going to throw me out because your kid needs a nap?"

"You should be glad I took this meeting at all," she shot back. "I'm on leave for the rest of the week. I'm not meant to be available. I'll think about what you're saying and get back with you." She all but shoved him out the front door and locked it behind him, then went back to the living room.

"That was pretty rude," Rafael pointed out.

"Him or me?" she asked with a sigh.

"I mean, six of one, half a dozen of the other," he muttered. "C'mere, Noah, let's go rock-a-bye." The toddler stuck his fingers in his mouth and grumbled, but complied, climbing into his dad's arms. "The whole thing with Rollins and Carisi – did you know?"

Liv shrugged. "I suspected, but you know Amanda: she plays everything so close to the vest."

"We should congratulate them."

"After they formally disclose to everyone, sure," Liv said, "but not before."

"Well, yeah," he replied with a small smile. "And we can offer to baby-sit once in a while. I'm sure that won't hurt anything."

She laughed and said, "You don't mind?"

"No, not at all." He kissed Noah's chubby cheek and said, "Now, it's time for this one to get his N-A-P. Once he's down, we can talk about a cuddle and a snack."

"Mmm, that sounds like the prelude to a good afternoon, Mr. Barba," she murmured.

Which was how they spent Noah's naptime wrapped up in each other's arms on the sofa, an episode of The Office in the background, feeding one another fruit and cheese and chocolate between deep, intoxicating kisses. It was healing and cathartic for Liv to know that the previous day's nightmare really hadn't colored how Rafael saw her in the light of a new day. If anything, he was even more fiercely protective of her, of them, of the little sanctuary of their life together.

And for that, she was so grateful.

TBC...