XXXVII:

Liv knew her husband was furious – not necessarily with her, but with the situation as a whole. He had mostly elected to ignore it and any attempts to talk about it since the initial conversation, preferring to gloss over things and continue on as if none of it mattered or affected how they were going to proceed onward in their life together. Her guilt felt like a choking weight of stones around her neck, dragging her down execrably – just as it always had.

The first time Tucker had coerced her into sexual favors, she had been new to SVU, so green as to worship the ground that her partner walked on – and Elliot Stabler had not necessarily been the best influence in those early days. They had done things that it was probably better they never did see the light of day, yes, but… making a deal with the devil in exchange? Selling her soul and her body to cover the pact?

Fin had done something stupid a couple of weeks after she came back from Brooklyn SVU, after meeting Rafael, after losing her heart and soul to a man who cared for it more intensely, tenderly, than she did herself. And she had found herself staring down the barrel of the figurative gun, cocked and loaded, with no choices but to roll over and submit to Tucker to save her friend or throw away everything she had worked to achieve for so long – and break herself in the process.

She put him off, mostly, or kept people out of trouble as much as she could. She avoided Tucker whenever possible and breathed a sigh of relief whenever he sent one of his lackeys instead. But there was always a clenched fist of despair in her belly, tense and angry, especially after William Lewis. When Tucker assumed that Barba was only there because he was her lawyer, and made scathing comments about her 'boyfriend' in her presence, she very nearly broke and turned him in then. But she reined herself in and waited, waited for the moment when she couldn't stand the torture any more. When the cup overflowed.

When she couldn't take anymore.

After the townhouse incident, he got more suggestive in public, more hands-on, and something inside her snapped.

And now, Rafael just wanted to keep going like nothing had ever happened. Maybe, to him, it hadn't.

"Hey, he's down for the night," Rafa said softly, interrupting her. "Three stories tonight. You okay, mi amor?"

Liv came in off the balcony-come-fire-escape and closed the sliding door. "I'm tired," she dismissed. "It was a rough one."

He nodded and came over to wrap his arms around her waist from behind, settling his chin on her shoulder. "Me, too," he said. "I had to settle a custody dispute today and it ended up with primary custody being taken away from both parents and going to the grandparents. No one is happy with the arrangements, but it was the only way to guarantee stability for the kids."

"You have to make the hard calls sometimes," she whispered. "No matter if they seem wrong at the time."

"Are you trying to pep talk me?" he teased.

"No, I'm trying to convince myself," Liv said quietly.

"Did something happen today?" he asked, kissing her neck. "Or is this about the Tucker thing?"

She sighed heavily. "Rafa…"

"Olivia," he countered.

"I had an appointment with Lindstrom this afternoon," she said very quietly. "An official one, for work, related to the investigation."

"It didn't go well, did it?"

She swallowed hard and bit her lip. "I'm tired, Rafa. I'm tired of carrying it. I did stupid shit to protect people who can stand on their own feet and protect themselves and – god, I feel so stupid. I did this to myself."

"No," he said firmly, squeezing her just firmly enough to let her know he was there but not so hard that she felt trapped with no escape. "You are his victim. How many other women has he targeted? Are you the only one? It's a closed investigation: we may never know. He did this to you, Liv." The pain in his voice was clear.

"I let him do this," she whispered. "I didn't stop it."

"You're stopping it now," he reminded her gently, splaying his hand protectively over her ribs. "You're the strongest person I know, Olivia Margaret Benson – even stronger than mami, and you know how hard that is for me to admit."

She barked out a laugh. "Your mom is a force of nature," Liv murmured.

"And she finally loves the socks off you," he said, nuzzling her. "That took some work."

She sighed and finally began to relax in his embrace. "Rafa… why aren't you pissed at me?"

"Because you did what you felt you had to do to survive a predator," he said simply. "I've been there. I can't fault you for that. I hate that it happened under my nose and I didn't notice, though. I wish I could have spared you any of that pain."

She spun in his arms, tucking her face into his body, holding on tightly and not letting go. He was, and had been, her anchor for so long – the safe port in a dark and stormy sea of life. She regretted so, so many things, but not going to Brooklyn for that month. Not meeting Rafael. Not falling in love with the other half of her soul and reclaiming a piece of her that had been missing in perpetuity.

And that he was still there, after everything that had happened…

It meant the world.

They had weathered so many storms, and goodness only knew what was still coming for them, but as long as they were together, maybe they were unstoppable. Invincible.

"Hey, it's okay," he whispered.

She just held on tight, listening to the thumping of his heart, reassuring herself that he was still there, despite everything.

"So," Rita said, pushing a glass of cabernet across the table and making a grim face, "here's the thing: I can threaten to take you as a client in a civil suit, but I would have to officially recuse myself from the case before anything is filed and only give advice unofficially because Ed Tucker is my ex-husband and any judge with half a brain will rightfully see that as biased. However, it doesn't mean that I'm not sitting here, thinking of ways to crucify him without leaving a mark."

"Before we start talking about how to legally eviscerate him," Liv said softly, "I have some questions."

"Yeah, so do I," Rita replied, smiling sadly. "You okay if I ask them?"

Liv shrugged. "I've said my piece to IAB and 1PP and the psychologist and my therapist and Rafael doesn't want to talk about it. I guess I need to tell you."

"Well, I mean, I might go over the line of what you think is appropriate," she warned.

Liv snorted. "Like Tucker didn't already?"

Rita considered that for a second, then grimly smiled. "Fair point. You know why I divorced him? Because he's a sex addict. He's always doing this shit, Olivia. It doesn't matter that I actually loved the motherfucker; I caught something off of him and the whole thing unraveled. This was… 2007, October? And we were divorced by February of 2009. I made him get treatment for sex addiction as part of the divorce settlement: he had to take medical leave from the force to do it."

"Shit," Liv breathed. "I had no idea."

"You've been tested for things, right?" Rita questioned gently.

Liv nodded quickly. Despite her shame over the situation, she had been smart enough to advocate and protect herself that way. And he had always used a condom, thank everything. "Yeah – I just… god, I can't… Rita, I'm so sorry –"

"Why?" Rita scoffed. "I married him. I fell in love with the jerk." She shrugged. "I still love him. It's stupid, I know."

"I don't think you're supposed to help who you love," Liv murmured. "I question why Rafa all the time, but he's perfect and I'm… not."

"Oh, honey, he is not perfect," Rita said with pursed lips. She took a sip of her wine and added, "But he is a far better man because of you, so there is that to credit. He used to be such a cocky bastard – you've softened him up and made him human." She took a deep breath then said, "Okay, so… Ed."

Liv's fingers tightened on the stem of her wineglass. "You know the basics," she said quietly.

"Yeah," Rita said. "When, specifically, did it start?"

Liv looked down into the wine and took a deep breath, then exhaled, reminding herself to remain calm. "May of 1999."

Rita was quiet for a long moment, then took a drink. "And it's continued off and on all this time?"

"Whenever there's something big enough to need a favor or covering up, yes." Liv hesitated. "It was full sex at first, but I tried to keep it to… other things after Rafael and I got married." She still couldn't meet Rita's gaze, ashamed of herself and terrified to see the judgement and pity in the other woman's eyes, in spite of the assurances Rafael had given her. "I – I know what happened is wrong. I could have stopped it and I didn't. This is my fault as much as his."

"Fuck that," Rita snapped. "This is his fault, Olivia. You are his victim. I am sorry he did this to you: I am. And you are probably not the first, or the only one. You're just the one that blew the whistle because you couldn't stand it anymore. And it doesn't matter if I care about him anymore; this is about justice for you and Rafael, for your family, for everyone else that's too scared to come forward and admit that Ed Tucker has ruined their lives. He needs to be stopped." Rita reached over and covered Liv's hand with hers. "You still okay?"

Olivia finally looked up from her drink, looked Rita in the eyes, and shook her head. "No," she whispered. "Not for a very long time."

Dodds came into her office, closing the door behind him. "It's over," he said. "Three other women disclosed in the course of researching your allegation, and he admitted to several others who have left the NYPD and gone into the private sector. He has been summarily dismissed, and if you want to bring civil charges against him, no one is standing in your way."

She let out a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding. "And my punishment?"

Dodds eyes narrowed with concern. "Benson… no one but Tucker deserves to be punished. What you did was under duress, and it is with my deepest apologies that you have been forced to endure any of it," he said gently. "In fact, you need to take some time off to recover from all of this."

"Yeah," she said, but something in her tone obviously drew his scrutiny.

"Something wrong at home?" he asked. "You and Barba always seem so close."

"We're just… struggling to get through," she admitted. "It's been a hard month. Not just for us – Tucker's ex-wife is one of Rafa's best friends, and she's been trying to help us through the process legally without overstepping boundaries."

Dodds paused for a moment, then nodded. "I see. I can't imagine what all of you have been going through and I am so very sorry that he is not actively paying for what he's done. It could very well be considered rape –"

"I know," Liv said quietly. "We were looking into civil options if he was allowed to stay on the force, and now we'll need to look at other options since he's been released." She paused and swallowed hard. "Restraining orders are –"

"I'll enforce it myself," Dodds promised. "This isn't a game, Benson."

She inhaled shakily and whispered, "I think I'll take that time off, sir."

"Good girl."

The situation had devolved very quickly. Rita had been explaining that one of the partners at her firm – Leibowitz – had already filed the necessaries and gotten them a spot with Judge Elena Barth in the morning for the restraining order. Everything else about the case could be handled in an expedient manner and churned out within a week or two and Tucker could be buried in civil court – if she didn't choose to file more pressing charges.

Liv had glanced up to see Tucker at the edge of their table in the café, holding his court summons and a gun. "Ed," she choked out, "let's not do anything rash –"

He laughed bitterly. "Rash? I see you know my wife."

"Ex-wife."

"Rita, baby, did this bitch put you up to this?" he asked, waving the summons in the air. "Did you do something stupid?"

"Ed, calm down," Rita said very quietly, eyeing the gun. "Olivia came to me as a friend for legal advice and my partner at the firm took her case. You know me and ethics, sweetheart." The word was sweet, almost saccharine, but held a sarcastic edge. "Why don't you put the gun down and we can talk."

"I think the time for talking has come and gone. You know they fired me because Benson here told them I made her fuck me? She was begging for it," he growled.

"Tucker," Liv said, drawing his attention and the aim of the gun, "why don't you let everyone else out of the café and call my sergeant to negotiate?"

"Better yet, why don't I call your soft-ass husband?" Tucker shot back. "What do you see in him, Olivia? He can't possibly –"

"Ed," Rita said sharply, "call Mike Dodds and let everyone else go. Jesus Christ, don't be that motherfucker, okay? You want Liv and me? You've got us. You want to fuck me? Go ahead – I don't care anymore. I literally don't care, Ed. You fucking destroyed me. You think I'm going to let you do that to Liv and Rafael? You think for one second I'm going to stand by and let you destroy the one good thing left standing in my life? You can fucking shoot me, Ed Tucker." She dramatically turned the muzzle of the gun to her breast and snorted, "If you have the balls."

Liv, meanwhile, had speed-dialed Mike Dodds on speaker and knew he could use the built in software from her phone to get her location. It would only be a few minutes before her squad would be on their way to save them, and thank god, because Ed Tucker out of his mind – without a plan – was something terrifying.

He pulled the weapon back and hissed, "Damn you, Rita."

"Let 'em go," Rita insisted.

"Everyone out except these two," Ed yelled. He gestured with the gun. "I fucking mean it," he ordered. "And one of you call the cops – ask for SVU, precinct 16, specifically. I've got their Lieutenant at gunpoint."

Liv exhaled and looked at Rita, whose lips were pursed together like she didn't care, but a single vein throbbed blue in her temple. Rita cocked her head slightly and raised a brow as if to ask how she was, and Liv shrugged slightly. She made an answering gesture and Rita smiled back, but it wasn't any smile Liv had ever seen – it was angry, cruel, a predator's smile. This was the Rita she didn't know and she wasn't sure she would ever shake.

Ed came back to the table and caressed Liv's cheek with the muzzle of the gun. "Did you celebrate when you heard I was fired?" he asked.

"No," she said honestly. "Because I was afraid this would happen. I've seen it happen too many times. People lose things that are important to them, that make up the building blocks of their lives, and they go absolutely feral in defense of –"

"Shut up," Tucker hissed.

" – the status quo."

Rita growled at Tucker. "Ed," she said, "you have to know that this is only going to end in criminal charges for you. Barba won't stop till they throw the book at you."

"Ah, yes, your dear friend Rafael who would just as soon sleep with you as be your buddy," Tucker mocked.

"We never slept together," Rita sighed in frustration. "How many times –"

His reaction was swift and merciless; the gun struck Rita in the face. "Don't fuck with me, Rita," Tucker warned. "You already lost that right, baby girl." He glared at Liv. "Don't even think about reaching for the gun you have holstered on your ankle unless you're going to put it on the table for me, bitch."

Liv exhaled hard. "Fine, Ed."

"Tell me what you see in that prick," Tucker ordered.

"He's a decent man," Olivia said, trying to keep her voice steady. "He treats me as an equal, not as a possession, and he loves me. I love him – and I have from almost the moment I met him. I can't explain it or justify it because I never thought I would have feelings like this for someone else. And I don't have to explain it to him, because he feels the same way."

"God, that makes me sick," Tucker said, wrinkling his lip in disgust. "What about you, baby girl?"

Rita was silent for a second, then said, "It makes me sick. Sick with longing that I can't have it for myself because you ruined me." She flinched, then exhaled in relief when the blow stopped just before it landed.

"Fuck you, Rita," Tucker muttered.

"I love you, too, asshole," she spat.

The café door opened, the bell tinkling, and Mike Dodds stepped inside, his hands raised. "Mr. Tucker, I'm Sergeant Dodds with SVU. I hear we're having a bit of difficulty tonight," he said. "I am unarmed, but the people behind me aren't. So if I give them the signal to come in, we're all going to have a very rough time of it." Mike caught Liv's eye and she inclined her head ever so slightly to indicate that she was all right.

"I want my job back, and my pension," Tucker said. "And I want my record cleared. She's a fucking liar – why anyone would waste their time listening to her –" He gestured at Liv with the gun, and she stared at Rita, trying to remain emotionless.

"You do realize, Mr. Tucker, that I cannot comment on your investigation," Mike said, "but I can contact 1PP and see what can be done."

"Not good enough, Junior Dodds," Tucker mocked. "Call your daddy right now. Tell him that Benson is walking back her story. Aren't you, Livvie?"

Her skin crawled; if she could have flayed herself alive and crawled out of her skin and left it there, she would have. It was somehow worse than all of the torture William Lewis had put her through, and Liv knew she only had one chance to make do anything. "Yes," she said very quietly, drawing Rita's stunned stare. "Whatever you want, Ed, just… just let them go."

Tucker motioned at Mike. "Call him," he ordered.

She felt like she was drowning; there wasn't enough air to breathe. And then she was saying the words out loud that brought chaos in their wake, "Ed Tucker raped me. Repeatedly."

Tucker rounded on her. "You bitch. You fucking whore –" She felt the gun pressed under her chin, smelled the dankness of his breath and then Mike was yanking him back off of her. "I'm going to have you yet, Benson –"

"Tucker, calm down," Mike growled, almost cruelly, his tone at odds with the normal kindness of the man. "Do not make me hurt you."

The gunshot was single and decisive. Liv's eyes widened, and she scrambled to reach under the table for her ankle holster, securing her weapon and getting off a single shot. Tucker dropped like a sack of potatoes, and Rita was out of the booth in a heartbeat as Fin and Carisi came rushing in the café doors.

"Rita…" Tucker moaned. There was barely enough of him left to constitute a living man, and even in his dying moments, he was focused on her.

"I hate that I love you, you stupid motherfucker," Rita hissed. "How could you be so stupid? You're so stupid, Eddie. So stupid."

Olivia just sat on the dirty floor of the café, waiting for the ambulance to arrive. The fear and panic that she was about to lose everything settled into her belly and made her numb. Fin took her outside and straight to Rafael's waiting arms, where she dissolved into the tears reserved for those people who had seen some shit and lived to tell the tale.

"I love you," he breathed, kissing her hair, her face, her forehead, everywhere he could. "I love you so much, Olivia. Please don't do that to me again. God, please don't." His lips finally stopped on hers for a deep, tender kiss that left her in no doubts as to whether or not they were of the same heart. "Did he hurt you?" he asked, stroking back her hair, checking her over. "Are you okay?"

"Mike and Rita," she dismissed. "I'm… I'm okay. He's not going to hurt anyone else, Rafa."

"Olivia –"

"He isn't going to hurt anyone else," she repeated firmly.

"You're riding with me," Fin said, striding back up to them. "Goin' to Mercy. Rita's got a hell of a concussion and Mike's gotten himself shot by an asshole who thinks he has to compensate for everything with his dick." Fin paused, then smiled sadly. "By the way, good shot, Benson."

She nodded and mumbled, "When it counts, you don't miss."

Rafael helped her into the car and made sure she was buckled in. Once they were under way, he asked, "What can I do? What do you need from me, Liv? How can I help?" He was holding her hand, gently spinning her wedding band around her finger in a nervous gesture but she couldn't bring herself to calm him.

"Just be here, hold me, help me… don't leave," she whispered. "Please don't leave. I know I'm not what you thought I was and I'm flawed and broken, but I love you so much, Rafa –"

"I'm not going anywhere, Liv," he promised, dropping a kiss into her hair. "You and me against the world, Benson."

"Thank god," she breathed, leaning further into his touch. Anything to erase the memory of the look on Tucker's face when the bullet had pierced his skull. It was going to haunt her forever.

The nightmares would come for her again. But with Rafael there, maybe… maybe they would be bearable. Maybe she could live with what she had done.