Chapter 8 – Spelling it Out

JJ loved me! Warmth filled me and I held him tighter, then loosened my grip so I could nudge him back a little and kiss him. Our lips clung in a slow gentle kiss, without the heat of the last one. I poured everything of myself into it, showing him how I felt without words. When I drew back, we just cuddled, eyes closed. I couldn't stop myself smiling and I realised it was the first time in two years I'd really been happy.

When I opened my eyes again, I discovered I'd been asleep. Dusk had darkened the sky outside and neither of us had moved a muscle. I was naked except for my underwear and JJ was clothed. He stirred and opened his eyes.

"Did we fall asleep?"

"Yeah." My stomach rumbled loudly and reminded me we'd eaten nothing since breakfast except the apples. "We should have something to eat."

JJ pulled away and sat up. He dug his phone out of his pocket and checked it. "I haven't heard anything from Pope and Kie today. Have you?"

"No, but they're on their date tonight, aren't they?" I reminded him.

"Right."

I got up and grabbed my shorts. I didn't bother with a t-shirt, remembering the one on the floor had been used to wipe my fluid off me. I threw it in the laundry basket. "What do you want to eat?"

"We should have the fresh stuff first. I'll do it."

I raised an eyebrow.

"What? I cook."

"Well, yeah, but—" I imagined JJ's cooking skills amounted to throwing a frozen dinner in the microwave. In all the years I'd known him, I hadn't seen him make anything other than sandwiches, but usually he'd been helping himself from the meagre supplies in my cupboards. When my dad was still around, he had made the dinners.

"Watch and learn." JJ smirked and opened the freezer to get out some fish.

I watched, amazed as he chopped and sliced, and made use of my stove like it hadn't been used since Dad was here. He probably used every pot, pan, and piece of cutlery I owned, and I supposed I was going to be the one doing the dishes later, but it didn't matter. Other than the couple of meals I'd managed to afford to take Sarah out for, this would be the first proper cooked dinner I'd had in two years.

An hour or so later, we ate baked fish flavoured with lemon and herbs, fried potatoes, and stir-fried vegetables. I moaned with delight over every mouthful until JJ elbowed me.

"Shut up. You sound like you're screwing."

I laughed. "I'm seriously impressed. How did you learn to do all this?"

"I had a mother once," he reminded me.

"She left when you were twelve."

"Yeah, but she taught me to cook first. I guess she knew she planned to leave us. She never said anything about it, but she made sure I knew how to look after myself in this way before she packed up and disappeared."

"I'll never understand why she didn't take you with her."

"I was a lot of trouble, even then. I think she just wanted to get away from everything. Dad made her life a misery. Besides, as much as he treated me like shit and seemed not to want me, he always said if she'd taken me, he would have hunted her down to get me back and made her regret it." He shrugged one shoulder. "It doesn't matter now. I'm here, aren't I? Imagine if she had taken me. I could be anywhere. Rather than here with you."

"Yeah, there is that. I hate that you had all those years of shit though."

"It is what it is. It's over." He smiled. "So, you like my cooking then?"

"It's delicious. You know you're gonna have to do this on a regular basis now."

"I'm cool with that."

I leaned over and kissed his cheek. "I'm glad you're here."

His smile widened. "That's a relief. I'd hate to think you were just tolerating me for my cuisine."

"Well…" I snorted. "I can put up with you if you feed me like this."

"I knew it. I mean, why would you want me otherwise?" He was still grinning, but his eyes looked hurt.

"Don't do that, JJ."

"Don't do what?" He looked down and shoved a forkful of fish into his mouth.

"Don't believe what your dad said to you. It's bullshit. He was the worthless waste of oxygen. You are amazing. I'm gonna keep telling you that until you believe it."

He smiled more genuinely. "You kind of make it obvious what you think."

"Good. I mean to."

We finished the meal, then I started on the huge pile of dishes. JJ insisted on drying them and putting them away, so it wasn't too much of a chore. Then we returned to the couch and sprawled together, listening to one of my new CDs. When we started to yawn, I took my turn in the bathroom first and went to bed.

I lay on my back with my hands behind my head, staring up at the ceiling, and listening to the faint sounds coming from the bathroom as JJ took his turn. Then the door opened and the faint glow of light showing under my door went off. A long silence followed, and I assumed he had gone to his room, but then a light tap sounded on my door.

"John B?"

"Yeah, come in."

He opened the door and cleared his throat. "Can I, um, sleep here?"

"Sure. Are you okay?"

"Yeah." He closed the door and crossed the room before sliding into the vacant side of the bed. "I just want the company."

I stretched out my arm towards him in an invitation to snuggle up like he had the last time. He shuffled closer to me and rested his head on my shoulder. I curled my arm around his neck and turned my head so I could kiss his forehead. Neither of us spoke anymore and I quickly fell asleep.

When I woke, I was on my side with my arms around JJ and his back to my chest. My knees were tucked into the back of his and my hand rested on his chest under his t-shirt. The slow thump of his heart under my palm and his deep, steady breathing told me he was still asleep. Then I became aware that my dick was hard and resting in the crack of his ass, separated from his skin by only two thin layers of underwear. My pulse quickened and I struggled to stay still and not disturb him.

The minutes crawled by, and my mind filled with what we had done so far—stroking each other, and JJ sucking me—and the things we might do; the things I wanted to do. I couldn't stop myself, and my erection twitched, uncomfortable trapped in my underwear against JJ's body. How would it feel if we were naked? If I could rub against him?

"Fuck," I muttered, then bit my lip and held my breath. JJ didn't move and his breathing didn't change. I heaved a sigh of relief, but then I couldn't control my own breathing. I found myself almost gasping, while saliva pooled in my mouth and forced me to keep gulping. I was sure I would wake him up. I considered sliding away from him but dragging my arm out from under his neck would be sure to disturb him.

JJ's heart stuttered, and his breathing became irregular. I froze and held my breath, waiting for him to move or speak. Instead, he laughed softly.

"That morning wood, or is it 'cause of me?"

"Seriously?" Heat flooded my face. "The first thing out of your mouth when you wake up is to make fun of me?"

He laughed some more. "You're an easy target."

I made to pull away from him, but as I slid my hand out from under his t-shirt, he grasped it and pushed it lower to cup his erection through his underwear. I couldn't resist teasing him in return.

"Apparently, you were dreaming about me."

"Yeah, you were spooning me in bed. Only your dick was out, rubbing against my naked ass," he said smoothly.

I suppressed a groan. "Is that what you want?"

"Uh huh." He pushed my hand off him again and wriggled around, pushing his underwear down to his ankles. A couple of kicks, and he had thrown the bed covers off the bed and his underwear onto the floor after them.

"Shit," I muttered, and fumbled to get rid of my own annoying garment.

"You got lube?" JJ asked.

"Um—" I hesitated, suddenly nervous. Surely, he couldn't want—?

"Well, have you?"

"Uh, yeah, sure, in the top drawer of the nightstand."

He pulled open the drawer and found the tube I kept there. "I never dared keep any at my dad's house in case he found it." He uncapped the tube and squeezed some out. "I got some of those little disposable sachets once and got rid of them the next day."

"JJ—"

"Try this." He reached behind him, and suddenly his hand was on me, slick and cool, coating my aching erection. While I continued to panic a little, he coated himself too, then tugged my hand down to cup him again. As we came to rest against each other again, my slippery dick slid against his ass, and I groaned.

JJ chuckled. "Feel good?"

"Yeah."

He lifted his upper leg, bent the knee, and rested his foot on the mattress so that his thighs were apart. I froze again, my hand loosely wrapped around his erection. I could imagine reaching down between us to guide myself into him, but was I ready for that? Was he? We hadn't even discussed it and it was so soon after what his dad had almost forced him to do. But he seemed to know what he wanted, and when I realised it wasn't that I relaxed.

JJ slid his hand behind him and pushed my dick down a little, so it rested between his legs. Then he lowered his leg and trapped it between his thighs. I groaned at the feel. When he moved his hips forward, then back, my shaft slipped back and forth through the small gap.

"Oh, fuck," I groaned. "Are you sure you've never done this?"

"Certain. But you should see the browser history on my phone."

I snorted.

"I'm not ready to fuck, but we can do this." He covered my hand and moved it up and down his dick a couple of times before letting go.

"How are you not uncomfortable talking about it?" I wondered.

"Damn, you talk too much." He glanced over his shoulder at me. "It's you, John B. Now I know I haven't got the worst case in history of unrequited love, I can say anything to you. And for the first time in my life, I'm actually happy and I'm safe, so I don't have to joke around all the time to cover up the shit. So, I'll just tell you what I want, and you can do what you like with it. If I don't spell it out, you won't know, will you?"

I tilted my head and kissed his jaw. "Shut up and close your eyes."

He relaxed and closed his eyes. I began stroking him, slow and even, gently thrusting my hips at the same time and fucking the gap between his thighs. He began to move with me, pushing back when I pushed forward. I closed my eyes, too, and imagined a time in the not-too-distant future, when we were doing this for real; when I felt the tight heat of his ass gripping me as I buried myself deep within his body. I quickened the pace of my hand as my orgasm built. If only I had opened my stupid mouth sooner. If only I'd let him know years ago how I felt, I would have saved us both a lot of agony, but how could I have known he felt the same?

JJ came hard, spilling over my knuckles and spurting onto the mattress in front of him. Seconds later, I came with a cry, painting the inside of his thighs and his sac.

"I love you," I gasped into his neck.

"Love you, too." He pulled my wet hand off him and threaded his fingers through mine, apparently not caring about the mess. I squeezed his hand tight and pressed my face into his neck. Finally, I had what I had wanted most for as long as I could remember.