XLI:

In three months' time, they had gone from death threats to calm peace, to sudden panic in the form of Sheila Porter wedging her way into their lives. She had at first threatened to steal Noah away legally, then when Judge Linden had struck that down and only given her the barest of grandparent's visitation rights instead, she had plead with Liv and Rafael to allow her more time to know her grandson. Time which they had tried to allow her to have, which had only ended in betrayal. The woman had kidnapped their son, dragged him across state lines, nearly to Canada, and Liv was so close to committing every crime known on the books just to get him back safely in her arms that it was sickening.

What was even worse was that she knew that she would do exactly the same thing for the tiny, tiny little jelly bean that, even now was just beginning its life in their surrogate's womb. The same surrogate that had carried Fin's grandson had offered to carry an embryo for Olivia and Rafael, and they had accepted gladly. Only a few days ago they had gotten the good news that the embryo had implanted and things were looking good for Maddy and Jelly Bean.

But now, as Liv pulled the SUV to a stop and faced Rafael, nothing was looking good at all. It was all off the rails and she was likely to end up in jail by the end of the day. "I need you to stay here," she said quietly. "Noah is going to be confused and he'll need his daddy. I need you to keep him safe, Rafael. If that means taking him away from here… then get as far away as you can. And don't stop until you know you're safe." She couldn't bear to see the pain in his eyes, but she couldn't look away, either. "Do not come inside."

"Olivia –"

"Rafa, if there was any other way…" She hesitated, then kissed him. "I'm sorry." She got out of the car and headed to the front door of the cabin. She knocked, and smiled stiffly when Sheila opened the door. "I'm here for my son," Liv said very softly. "You will let me take him to his father, and then –"

"I deserve my grandson more than you deserve him as a son – he's all I have left," Sheila spat. "That isn't his father, and you aren't his mother – his mother is dead. My daughter was murdered!"

"Yes, she was," Liv said. "But Noah doesn't need to know that until he's much older. He's just a sweet little man with a heart of gold who loves his mommy and daddy and who wants to play and watch movies and explore the world. You can't take him from us because you think he's better off – it isn't your choice, Sheila."

"But some judge like your husband can make a choice and it's okay?" Sheila mocked.

Noah appeared behind Sheila, rubbing his eyes sleepily with Eddie the Elephant dangling from his grip. "MOMMY!" he cried. "Mommy, we saw a deer! And it had a baby deer!" he yelped, running over toward Liv, but Sheila grabbed his arm roughly, preventing him from reaching her. "Grandma Sheila, leggo, I wanna go to mommy –"

"No, honey, you want to go get changed and ready for breakfast, and then you can show mommy the deer," Sheila said in a sickeningly sweet voice.

"Noah, get dressed," Liv instructed gently, trying to keep her voice from wavering. "And we can go look for the deer."

"Where's papi?" Noah asked. "I want papi, mommy."

"Go get dressed, mi amor," Liv said. As soon as the little boy was out of sight, she raised her hands in Sheila's direction and eyed the gun in the corner. "You don't have to do this, Sheila."

"Don't I?" Sheila said. "We both know how selfish you and that prick Barba are – I'll never see Noah again."

"Noah is never going to want to see you again if you hurt his mommy," she reasoned.

Noah came back into the room, all dressed and grinning excitedly. He brushed past Sheila and ran over to give Liv a big hug around the legs. "Mommy, I missed you," he said with unbridled enthusiasm. "Come on – let's go so I can show you the deer."

"Okay, sweetheart," Liv whispered, ruffling his hair. She was almost to the door with him when Sheila snatched him back. "Sheila!"

"Noah, you stay right here with me – mommy's trying to trick you, baby," Sheila cooed. "There's no deer out there… just snow and –"

"But there was a deer!" Noah protested. "I wanna go with mommy! I wanna go home! I want papi! An' Jesse an' Unca Fin an' pizza an' –"

"Why you ungrateful little brat!" Sheila began, raising her hand but Liv grabbed her by the wrist and twisted it around her back.

"If you ever lay a hand on my son, I will kill you," Liv snarled, shoving Sheila roughly down to the floor. "Noah, RUN." She paid the little boy just enough mind to know that he got out the front door of the cabin and away from danger, just before Sheila flipped them both. The resulting fight wasn't pretty, but Liv eventually came out on top, sheer rage consuming her until she whacked Sheila once in the face with the butt of the shotgun and the woman went down – finally.

Liv sank down onto the floor in tears, finally breaking down where she'd had to be so strong through the worst of everything the last few days. And that's how the police found her a few minutes later when they burst through the door of the cabin – bloodied, bruised, her dignity in tatters, but still there, still standing.

And when they led her out into the white, glittering snowy morning, Rafael and Noah were waiting for her by the SUV she'd driven like a madwoman to get to the middle of nowhere to rescue her son. "I told you to –" she began.

Rafael silenced her with a kiss. "And I told you I wasn't leaving you again," he growled against her lips.

"Ewww, mommy and papi are kissin'," Noah protested.

"You're supposed to protect him," she breathed.

"Not a hair on his little head is out of place," he promised.

"I'm hungry," Noah protested.

The sheriff laughed and said, "Maybe we should go get this little guy some breakfast and he can tell us his version of what happened with psycho!granny in there?"

"Mommy, I wanna go home now," Noah said.

"I know, baby," Liv said softly. "Soon."

"Hey, c'mere," Rafael said, hoisting Noah up into his arms. "Why don't you tell mami all about the snow and the baby deer we saw while we were waiting for her?"

Noah chattered away happily as Rafael buckled him into the booster seat of the SUV and Liv felt the constrictingly painful grip of anxiety around her heart begin to ease as they drove into town. It would be all right now, wouldn't it? They were together again, a family… She would do anything for her boys and her Jelly Bean.

Rafael's hand rested gently on her thigh and she glanced at him. "You're awfully quiet," he said.

"Just thinking how close –"

"Don't think that. Just think how lucky we are to have him back," he said gently, smiling brightly at the little boy in the rearview mirror. Noah beamed back at him. "I love you, Olivia. I can't tell you how much because there isn't a measurement to contain it."

"Don't make me cry while I'm driving, asshole," she mumbled. Even though her tone was scolding, she hid a little smile.

"It's a no-win situation," Rafael said, sighing heavily as he traced designs on her flesh. "The Householders are in the middle of a contentious divorce with their son's custody being the primary object of their contention. Each parent has an agenda in regards to the child's well-being and… if I rule in favor of one parent over the other, then it grants them permission to do as they will with his care in direct opposition to the other parent's wishes. But if I remove him to state custody, pending possible intervention at a federal level, what then? How much is too much? Where is the line we don't cross, Olivia?"

She sighed and tucked her face into the pillow. "Raf… think of Noah and Jelly Bean. If either of them were in pain like that little boy is –"

"Yes, but my position as judge doesn't permit my empathy to overrule my logic in applying the law," he protested. "I have to find the balance of what is just and right for that little boy, not what is right for his parents. Fuck them."

"You don't mean that."

"No, of course I don't, but… god, Liv…" He heaved a sigh. "I don't know what to do. I can't recuse myself and I can't just walk away."

"No, of course not," she said gently, reaching out to glide her fingertips over his arm. "People would shit themselves if they knew you were so troubled over this, though."

He smiled sadly. "For the record, if it were Noah or Jelly Bean… I would've turned the machines off a long time ago because I couldn't stand to watch my kids suffer."

"Me either," she whispered.

When they were called to deal with the Householder kidnapping, then the father pulling the plug after Rafael's ruling that the machines needed to stay on pending a federal decision on the appeal that had been lodged immediately afterward, his demeanor was enough to alarm her. He wasn't the bright, shiny Rafa she knew – he was a gloomy, tired Rafa whose only true joy was Noah.

"Wanna talk to me?" Liv finally asked while they were sitting at the park, watching Noah play.

"About what?"

"Anything," she murmured. "Jelly Bean will be here in five months and we haven't even started discussing names."

"Obviously Constance if it's a girl," he said with a shrug.

"And if it's a boy?"

"Fuck, I don't know," he said. "Anything but Rafael Jr."

She shook her head and sighed. "You're impossible."

"And yet, for some reason, you still love me," he teased, reaching over to take her hand. "I don't know what I would name a son because I can't picture myself having a son. A biological son, I mean. Noah is my son, yes, but I chose him to be my son. I don't feel like Jelly Bean is a boy. Just like I didn't feel like Eva was a boy. So I don't know. Maybe I'm off. Maybe I'm fucked up. Maybe I just don't want the responsibility of passing on those genes."

"It's a 50-50 shot," Liv said with a small smile.

"Nah, it's a girl," he said. "It's Connie's kid: she'd want a little girl with big shoes to fill and a bigger attitude." He let out a low breath and muttered, "I feel like I'm letting everyone down day by day and I don't know how you can stand it."

"You aren't," she murmured, squeezing his hand. "What happened with the Householder case wasn't your fault. You did everything you could morally and ethically. What happened after your ruling isn't on you, Rafael." She rubbed circles on the inside of his wrist and sighed. "I love you. Even if you don't love yourself right now."

He peered up at her, weary tears in his eyes. "How can you?"

"You're like a prickly cactus on the outside and a fluffy teddy bear on the inside, but Noah and I are the only ones who get the inside bit," she said. "I love that."

Rafael sighed and lifted her hand to his lips, kissing her fingers. "I let Sheila take Noah –"

"We discussed that beforehand and agreed it was okay and she wasn't a threat at the time," she said softly. "And you came with me to get him back. Rafa – these things you can't blame yourself for."

"But you blame yourself for Tucker."

"That's different and you know it."

"Do I?"

She huffed and leaned into him. "I'm sorry."

"Nothing for you to apologize for," he replied softly. After a moment of silence, he added, "The temperature is dropping – we probably should head home soon before Little Man freezes his butt off."

Liv chuckled. "Yeah, but he's having fun for the moment," she reminded him, watching Noah scamper around the playground in his blue coat and read hat and gloves, following a little girl in a purple coat and moon boots.

Rafael took a deep breath and said, "I'm taking some time off. They understand that things have been a little shaky for me since Connie died and then with Noah's kidnapping and now the Householder case on the back of the Ryan divorce so I've got some leeway."

"Okay," she said softly.

"And, uh…" He hesitated for a long moment. "I think I need some time and space away to process everything."

Liv blinked, her hold on his hand involuntarily tightening. "Oh." He was leaving; people always left her eventually, always broke their promises to stay, to care… She felt her panic beginning to rise but she stomped it back down and buried it firmly behind the decades' old walls of hurt she had built up to protect herself. "It's fine. Noah and I will manage."

"Olivia… you don't understand."

"I understand perfectly, Rafael." It was all she could do not to break down crying, but somehow, she kept it together. "It's fine. We'll manage."

She watched him pack, each article of clothing going into the suitcase making it feel far more final than she'd like. "When is your flight?" Liv asked from the doorway, making him pause, look up at her, several ties slung over his shoulder.

"Uh… Uber's coming at seven, flight leaves Newark at 11," Rafael said. "It's a late one, but…"

"Couldn't get an earlier one or one tomorrow?" she asked.

He shrugged. "I'm not too bothered by the timing," he said. He raised an eyebrow. "What's that look for?"

She shrugged. "Thought you might like to talk about what's bothering you instead of hopping on a flight and running away from me?" The words came out in a rush, breathless, stumbling over one another. She hadn't meant to say them, not really – she had been struggling not to say them for days, since he'd told her he was intending to leave in the first place. Since she had been fighting an inner war with herself, reminding herself that he was supposed to have her back for the rest of their lives; that they had survived worse than this already, and come out standing. And yet…

"I'm not running away from you." His statement hung in the air like the icy clouds outside. "I mean, maybe I am, but… only long enough that I can focus again. I can't focus when you're around, Liv." He paused, evaluating how that sounded, then stopping himself. "I used to excel as a prosecutor because I showed no mercy and went for the jugular every time," he said, attempting to explain, using his hands to emphasize the point. "And then I met you. You changed me, my vision of how the law could be, and I… I don't know how to keep those lines separated anymore. I can't do it." He threw his hands up. "During the Householder case, I had nightmares of when Noah was a baby and had the measles… they kept asking me to turn off the machines and I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it because he was my little boy, Olivia – and then Sheila came in and took him and did it. I would wake up in a sweat, crying, and you were dead to the world. Those are the days you find me in bed with Noah in the morning."

"Rafa…" She didn't know that things had gotten so bad for him because he internalized everything, kept her in the dark.

He shook his head and waved her off when she took a few steps closer. "No, Liv. You have enough to deal with without dealing with my shit," Rafael muttered. "I've been seeing my psychiatrist and I've got meds and it's okay. I just need some quiet time and space to deal with this. I can't put everything in order in my head if I have to be in front of it at the same time."

"What can I do to help?" she asked.

He shrugged. "Take care of you and Noah. Don't run after me." He paused. "Be here when I get back?"

She pushed away the naked pain she was feeling and instead focused on the fact that she hadn't even seen how he had spiraled downward so quickly. "Wild horses, my love," she whispered. "I'm going to go check on Noah and make sure he's almost done with his project – he was supposed to draw a picture of his family for class. I told him that Jelly Bean is too little to draw, and he got mad at me, so I guess we're going to have Maddy and Jelly Bean in the picture, too."

Rafael's smile was tearful. "Well, yeah, I should hope so," he said.

It was only a couple of weeks but it seemed like a lot longer than that. Rafael hadn't contacted her aside for a few vague texts to say that he was where he was going and that Noah would enjoy the fresh air. She tried not to resent that he video called Noah on his tablet to read him a story every night, but he wouldn't talk to her, but it stung.

"So Barba just… left?" Rollins said, folding herself onto the sofa in Liv's office.

"He has some things to work through," Liv said dismissively.

"Dominick has some things to work through, I throw his ass on the floor with a pillow and a blanket till he begs to be let back up," Amanda said wryly. "He's not flying off god knows where for a month."

"Two weeks," Liv corrected, glancing up from her report over the edge of her glasses. "What's your point?"

"Have you two even talked since he left?"

"He calls Noah every night," Liv said softly.

"That's not the same thing."

"He's not ready to talk to me. It's fine," Liv said. "When he's ready, I'm here. And if he's never ready, I'm still here. I love him even if he stops loving me. It's fine, Amanda. It's really fine. I'm okay."

Rollins eyed her doubtfully. "You want to get a drink tomorrow?"

"What's tomorrow?" Liv asked.

"Your birthday, hon."

Liv paused. "No, no, that's okay – I'm just going to go home and have a night in with Noah," she said softly. "Assuming we don't catch a case, that is."

Rollins nodded and said, "Okay, but you can call me if you change your mind – Sonny doesn't mind sitting with Jesse by himself for a few hours. He's a great dad."

A feeling of pained jealousy washed over Olivia and she tried to fight it off. She knew all too well what having an attentive partner was like, and it was only recently that she'd been forced to go it alone. And she hated every second of it. She couldn't show Noah that she resented him for being the only one worthy of Rafael's time, and she couldn't show the little boy the turmoil and emotional pain she was in, so she withdrew more and more into a quiet shell of herself.

"Amanda, hold onto him and don't let go," Liv advised softly.

The rest of the day was a blur, several cases coming out of the woodwork at once, and she was exhausted by the time she settled in late to do paperwork. It was almost ten when the Skype on her computer registered an incoming call. Assuming it was 1PP, she absently connected it, expecting to see Dodds.

Rafael's face filled her monitor. "Hey, gorgeous," he said, his voice aching with tenderness and his eyes sparkling.

Liv pressed a surprised hand to her mouth, stifling a sob as tears began. "Rafa – you have a beard?" she questioned. The last time he had let himself grow a beard had been after Lewis when they had both been off work for a time, and she had fallen in love with the soft distinguished way it made him look. It was still in the early stages, a bit short, but she was just so happy to see him that it didn't matter.

"You like, mi amor? I can shave it off if –" His brows creased with worry.

"I love it," she was quick to assure him. "How are you?" Liv asked.

"I'm… better," he said. "Getting there. I… Liv, I need you to know that my objectivity and my need to do my job is what was at stake here, not… not my love for you and Noah. Never that. I just needed time and perspective to separate the two."

She almost burst out the question: how much more time do you need? But she couldn't make the words leave her mouth. Instead, she nodded, mute, merely reaching out to trace the outline of his face on her screen, the feeling of abject loneliness making her queasy.

"I wish you were here," she murmured. "Where are you?"

"Iowa – Des Moines."

"Why?"

"Friend of mine teaches at one of the law schools and I'm helping him refine something," he said. "It was a quiet place to land on my feet. Made sense at the time."

She hesitated. "Okay."

The silence was both comfortable and awkward; so many things they could fill it with, and yet, neither of them wanted to tread the line in case it became too much. "Hey, so… I was mostly calling because I wanted to be the first to wish you a happy birthday," Rafael said softly. "And I'll be busy in the morning, so I won't be able to call."

"Oh," she said. "Well… thanks. It doesn't mean much without you here to help me celebrate, Rafa. Rollins wanted to take me out for drinks and I just… ugh."

His lips twitched up into a smile. "I'll take you out for dinner when I get home," he promised.

"You don't have to," she said softly. "Just having you here will be enough." Her eyes filled with tears that she tried to blink back, but a couple spilled over anyway. "I'm sorry. I – I'm trying –"

"We are disgustingly co-dependent," he commented.

"Fuck, do you know how hard it is to sleep without you?" she shot back.

He laughed, then sobered quickly. "Do you know why I haven't called before now?"

"No."

Rafael hesitated, then smiled a little. "Because I would never hang up."

Her heart lurched in her chest and she placed both hands over her heart. "Rafi, please come home," Liv whispered. "As soon as you're ready, please come home."

He nodded. "You better get back to work so you can go home," he advised. "It's getting late. You must be tired, mi alma."

"I love you," she whispered.

He pressed a kiss to his fingertips, then pressed them to the webcam before he ended the call.

"The evidence isn't conclusive enough to get a conviction," Casey was arguing as Liv led her and Peter Stone into her office.

"Lieu, there's –" Carisi called.

"Not now, Carisi," Liv said.

"But –"

"I said not now," Liv repeated, heading into her office.

Her eyes widened at the sight of a casually dressed Rafael in jeans and an ivory cabled sweater and his favorite brown boots leaning against the front edge of her desk, cheerfully greeting Casey and introducing himself to Stone.

"Yeah, that's what I was trying to tell you – you've got a visitor in your office," Carisi said with a grin. "Happy birthday."

"I'll step out so you can finish your meeting," Rafael said. "Sorry to interrupt – Casey, good to see you again, nice to meet you Mr. Stone…"

"No, no, no, you aren't going anywhere," Liv stammered, grabbing him by the shoulders of his sweater and holding him still. "Are you really here? I haven't hit my head? I'm not hallucinating?"

A grin cracked his face. "I'm here, Olivia," Rafael said softly. "And I'm going to step into the squadroom so you can –"

Liv dragged him against her for a kiss that left no doubt just how much they had missed one another. "Now," she panted against his lips, "you can wait outside."

"Whatever you say, Mrs. Barba," he responded, dazed.

Once the office door was closed, Liv smoothed down her hair, tugged at her blazer and faced her DA colleagues. "Sorry about that," she murmured. "We, uh… haven't seen each other in a few weeks."

Casey gave her a knowing look. "Poor Barba must be out of his mind," she said sarcastically.

Stone raised an eyebrow. "Is it ethical for a judge and a cop to be having a casual relationship?"

Casey saved Liv the trouble of going off by pinning Stone with a dirty look. "There is nothing casual about Barba and Benson. They're the most committed married couple in this town and it makes me want to vomit." She paused. "Now, about the Ranson case –"

TBC...