XLII:

"Yeah, she had to testify for IAB this morning about a thing," Carisi said, "and then she was going to see Novak about the Ranson case. We've got a new ADA, supposedly." The blond detective rolled his eyes dramatically and sighed. "See, this… this is why I can't wait to get done with my law school stuff. Get me a job in the law and there won't be none of this musical chairs shit."

Rafael chuckled and crossed his arms. "That's what you think, Sonny," he said with genuine affection for the man. He tried so hard and he was so kind to Liv and Noah, even if he was a tad bit misguided. "If you're good at your job – or even very good – you'll get promotions and lateral promotions and you'll be shifting cases and offices and even districts if you're in the public sector."

"Sounds like some bullshit," Carisi said. "I just want to help people. Do more of what I'm doing now, but with the law."

"So prosecution."

"Yeah," Carisi agreed. "You wanna wait in the Lieu's office? She shouldn't be much longer – I'm sure she'll be really happy to see you, Barba. She's been really down the last couple days."

Guilt flooded his system. "Yeah, I'll be glad to see her," he said, clearing his throat. "I'll just wait in there, then." Without waiting for a reply, he went into the office and made a beeline for the sofa. He sat down, running his hands through his hair anxiously, wondering if it was smart to ambush Liv on her home turf. She didn't like surprises at the best of times, but was this one going to be a step too far? Did she even really want to see him or was she going to be angry at his presence?

He got up and started to pace, finally noticing that she had new photos on her desk. He picked one up and smiled at the image of the three of them from the park that Carisi had taken, covered in leaves and smiling giddily at the camera in glee. That had been only a few days before Sheila had blown into their lives. There was another one – he didn't know where it was from, but it was a close-up shot of him and Liv, in black and white. Her head was turned against his cheek, her hair fanned out in dark tendrils against his skin and stubble as he leaned against her, smirking. It was an alluring, sensual shot, clearly of two lovers who shared many secrets, and he was struck by the sheer intimacy of it. If Carisi had taken it, he had known what he was doing in giving it to her, and he felt even more respect for the man in that moment. And the third was what looked like a sonogram photo. Jelly Bean. His heart soared with adoration for his wife.

Rafael had no sooner set the last photo in place than the door opened and Casey Novak came in with an unknown to him man on her heels. "Rafael!" Casey exclaimed. "I didn't know you were back – good to see you."

"Oh, I've been known to sneak into places," Rafael replied quickly.

"This is Peter Stone, SVU's newest ADA," Casey introduced. "Peter, Judge Rafael Barba."

"You're Lieutenant Benson's –"

Stone was interrupted by Liv finally stepping over the threshold of her office despite Carisi's protests from the other room. She drew up short, stunned, blinking as if she couldn't believe what she was seeing.

"Yeah, that's what I was trying to tell you – you've got a visitor in your office," Carisi said with a grin from the doorway. "Happy birthday."

"I'll step out so you can finish your meeting," Rafael said, clearing his throat gently. "Sorry to interrupt – Casey, good to see you again, nice to meet you Mr. Stone…" He didn't like to see Olivia so flummoxed, so lost, it made him feel as though he had done her some kind of wrong – or, in this case, every kind of wrong.

Her mouth was open before she began to speak, the words finally resolving into stammers. ""No, no, no, you aren't going anywhere," Liv said, grabbing him by the shoulders and refusing to let him leave. "Are you really here? I haven't hit my head? I'm not hallucinating?" All valid questions, he had to say, and all ready to be asked of someone who had just been in Iowa only a few hours before.

He couldn't help but smile at her childlike reaction, however. "I'm here, Olivia," Rafael said softly. "And I'm going to step into the squadroom so you can –"

She didn't hesitate for a moment in pulling him close and kissing him like she meant it; like the very air she breathed depended on them sharing it, sharing space, sharing their very essence. "Now," she panted against his lips, "you can wait outside."

"Whatever you say, Mrs. Barba," he responded, momentarily dazed and slightly confused by her overwhelming response. He stepped outside, pausing for just a moment to glance over his shoulder at the beauty he was leaving behind, then shut the door behind him.

"Told ya she'd be glad to see ya," Carisi said with a smirk. "Ya got some lipstick – well, let's face it… it's everywhere, Barba."

Rafael reached into his pocket and got out a handkerchief and grinned. "I don't even care," he replied. "How long do you think they'll be in there?"

"Ranson case?" Carisi said. "I dunno. Half hour, maybe? Forty-five minutes, tops. Novak's been busting our chops about getting more evidence that isn't circumstantial but…" He shrugged. "Fin and Manda went out to canvas the secondary scene again, but no one's hopeful at this point. Liv's annoyed Novak saddled us with another nepotism kid after Dodds Jr. bailed, but she won't say it to her face because they're buddies."

Rafael rolled his eyes and said, "I get that. But at the same time –"

"You gonna go get coffee or…?"

"My life doesn't revolve around coffee," Rafael countered.

"You forget I know you," Carisi pointed out dryly. "You're my girl's godfather."

Rafael stifled a chuckle. "When are you and Rollins going to –"

"I asked and she said no." Carisi shrugged. "Might have been because it was three in the morning and Jesse was screaming and wouldn't take the boob or the bottle and I was frustrated and she was crying and I just kind of blurted out that all I wanted more than anything was a happy family with my girls and would she marry me –"

Rafael stared at him, askance. "Jesus, Dominick, no wonder she said no!"

"Not my proudest moment," the younger man said, hanging his head. "But I meant it. I want those things with her and Jesse. They're my girls."

"Well, at least the next time you propose, you should make it romantic – or make sure one or both of you isn't bawling like a deranged lunatic?" Rafael suggested.

"How did you propose to the Lieu?"

"Don't follow my example," Rafael advised. "I blurted it out like an idiot and she took pity on me because she loved me and we got married in Vegas during a conference. Do something nice for Rollins: she deserves the world, Carisi – if you love her to the end of the world, make sure she knows it."

"You and the Lieu got hitched in Vegas?" Carisi asked, gobsmacked. "No offense, neither of yas seem the type."

"Is that all you got from that statement?" Rafael asked, rolling his eyes.

"I mean, the don't be an idiot part, yeah."

Rafael rolled his eyes harder and sighed. "Yes. We got married in Vegas, during a law enforcement conference. Fin and Rita were our witnesses. It was a nice ceremony and then we had cocktails and room service."

"Wait – Fin like… Fin Tutuola? And Rita… Calhoun?" Carisi said. "Seriously? All of this strains credulity a little bit. When did this happen? Like a couple years ago?"

Rafael pinched the bridge of his nose. "2008," he muttered.

"Wow. That's been like –"

"A while, yes," Barba said. "We've been together a while. So please trust me when I say that ambushing your partner in the middle of the night with a proposal is maybe not the best option?" He sighed. "I'm going to go grab some coffee."

"If they get done and she asks where you are?" Carisi asked.

"Just tell her to call me and I'll come back," he replied. "I'm not going far." Rafael grabbed his coat from where he'd left it draped over his little spinner suitcase and put it on before he headed for the elevator.

He ran into Fin and Rollins in the lobby. "Hey, Barba – man, I didn't know you'd gotten back," Fin said with a big grin, pulling him into a handshake. "How was the trip?"

"Uneventful in some ways, very eventful in others," Rafael said. "Liv's up with Novak and your ADA so I thought I'd go get coffee while I wait."

"Was she happy to see you?" Rollins asked. The question was innocuous but guarded, carefully worded.

"If the way she grabbed me and kissed me is any indication, I would say yes," Rafael teased with a smug smirk on his lips. "Relax, Rollins – I'm not here to break things. I am here in peace, to bring healing and joy to my house."

"You fuckin' better," Rollins muttered.

"Manda!" Fin exclaimed.

"He's an ass, Fin," she said with a huff.

"So's dumbass upstairs and you haven't kicked him in the nuts yet," Fin reminded her.

"He proposed to me at 3 in the morning this morning when Jesse was screaming and covered in curdled milk and my tits were sore and leaking and I was covered in spit up and my hair looked like it was attacked by a chinchilla and lived in by mice and my breath smelled like something curled up in my mouth and died and I was crying and snotting everywhere and I told him no because I was so ugly who would want to wake up beside that every morning?" She was on the verge of crying even then. "Fuck, I need to go pump. It was nice to see you, Barba. Don't go away again – it makes Liv hysterical and mean. And then I get emotional." She got on the elevator and disappeared.

"Man, it's been bad," Fin said with a sigh. "Drama everywhere."

Rafael raised a brow. "What, you can't handle a little drama?" he challenged. "I thought you wanted to take on the squad?"

"I'm havin' some second thoughts about promotion after listening to these jokers for two weeks," Fin said, gesturing. "I dunno how Liv does it, Barba. The whining, the drama, the pettiness –"

"It's just part of being a leader," Rafael said. "She tries very hard not to show how irritating it is for her to put up with it, but I end up taking the brunt of it at home. It's okay – I'm glad to be her outlet, but… she needs more support here."

Fin sighed heavily. "Yeah."

"I'm going to get that coffee now," Rafael said, forcing a smile. "Look, why don't you come for dinner tomorrow?"

"Wouldn't wanna impose," Fin said.

"It's spaghetti night," Rafael pointed out. "Family only."

Fin exhaled roughly, then nodded. "Yeah, okay – why not."

Rafael nodded and said, "You still drink flat white one sugar?"

"You don't have to get me coffee –"

Rafael shrugged. "Fine." He was still going to do it anyway. And for the rest of the squad, too. He had amends to make, and the smallest bridge to repair seemed the best place to start.

So when he sauntered back into the squadroom a while later with drink carriers full of hot beverages, grateful smiles abounded. "Barba, you didn't have to do that," Rollins said.

Rafael swatted Carisi's hands away from the drinks. "I know, it's just – I wanted to," he said. "Decaf earl grey with milk and sugar," he added, passing it to her. "I got them to put in an extra teabag."

"You're still an ass," she said, "but –"

Liv's office door opened and Casey and Stone came out first, followed by Liv. "So, I'll send Fin over in the morning with the files we can't digitize yet and we'll go from there," she said. She scanned the room, her eyes alighting on Rafael first, then the coffee, and a smile settled on her lips where before only a frown had been. "Coffee, Rafa?"

He ignored the exiting lawyers and grinned back. "Just the way you like it, mi amor."

She sauntered up to Fin's desk and leaned against it. "Did you buy for everyone, Rafael?" Liv asked with a chuckle. He drank in the sight and smell of her; perfectly tailored charcoal trousers, black boots, and a pale pink sweater that he knew for a fact that was just as soft as the vanilla and violet perfume she loved so much.

"It was only polite to share," he explained, holding out her latte that had her name scribbled on the side with the I's in Olivia dotted with hearts.

"Did you get something for you?" she inquired.

He shrugged. "Might have drunk it there."

Liv rolled her eyes. "Incorrigible."

"The coffee on the plane was vile," he complained. "Can you blame me for wanting a perfect espresso shot in my veins as quickly as possible?"

"If this is some weird kind of foreplay, your office has a door that closes and locks," Fin reminded them. "My desk is not the place for this."

"He's still an ass," Rollins said from her desk, taking another sip of her tea.

"Yeah, but he's my ass," Liv said with a smug smile, taking his hand and pulling him toward her office. Rafael was content to follow wherever she might lead him; after all, if the last two weeks had proven nothing else to him, he really didn't want to be away from her any longer that he felt he had to.

"Papi, why did you have to go away?" Noah asked after Rafael had tucked him in snug as a bug in a rug and read him two bedtime stories. "We were really sad."

"I know, buddy," Rafael said, rubbing his son's belly through the blankets, smiling when he squirmed and giggled. "And I'm sorry. But papi had some things he had to do that he couldn't do here with you and mami."

"But you did them and you're home now?" Noah asked cautiously, looking at both Rafael and Liv for confirmation. Liv was hovering in the doorway after having cleaned up the bathroom from bathtime and Rafael wanted to invite her into the conversation, but was unsure if she felt she was intruding or wasn't wanted.

"I'm home now," Rafael promised.

"No more stories on the phone?" Noah asked.

Liv laughed at that point. "Only if mommy's at work," she said, coming over to give Noah a kiss good night. "Have you been good for papi, sweet boy?"

"Yeah," Noah said, smiling. "I misseded him, momma."

"I know you did. So did I."

"You cried a lot," Noah said innocently. "But papi's back and you won't cry, will you, mommy?"

"Oh, sweet boy," Liv sighed, pressing another kiss to Noah's forehead, "I can't promise I won't cry anymore at all. But right now when I cry, I'm just so happy that papi's home with us, okay?"

"Okay, mommy. I love you. I love you, papi." Noah smiled up at both of them, and Rafael gave him a kiss on the forehead, relishing in the moment of holding his son close again.

Once they were out in the hallway, Liv murmured, "He missed you so much."

"I missed him," Rafael admitted softly. "I missed you. I missed both of you so much."

"I'm not going to pretend that I understand because I don't," she said, leaning against him, unguarded and earnest. "And if it causes you pain to explain, I don't want you to try. Just know that I'm so glad you're here with us again, Rafa."

He took a deep, shaky breath. "I don't know that I can explain it, Liv, but… I won't run away again. I felt empty and alone and while I could process my thoughts and put things in order, I couldn't… I didn't feel like myself. I didn't feel like I could manage anything." He wrapped his arm around her waist. "I'm sorry. I was wrong."

"There's no wrong way or right way," she whispered. "There's only the way you feel."

He laughed bitterly. "I hurt you and Noah and that makes it wrong –"

"Rafa, you have all the time in the world to make it up to us," she said softly. "We're not going anywhere. And neither are you, right?"

He swallowed hard as she threaded their fingers together, interlinking them with a squeeze. "No," he whispered. "I'm not leaving."

"Good. Now, it's my birthday and this old lady wants to go have an early night cuddling with her prickly teddy bear," she teased, pressing a kiss to his neck. "Objection?"

"Badgering the witness," he replied with a small smile.

She chuckled and nipped at his earlobe, "I'm sure we can overrule that objection, Your Honor."

The world rushed on at a frenetic pace. It felt like one day blended into another with barely enough time to discern that they were distinctly apart. His docket was full, his cases ranging from easily dealt with to complex and putting him squarely in the firing line of the press yet again, and he was quick to arrange for security for himself and his family as soon as the circus began, unwilling to push his luck. Liv helped him into his bulletproof vest every morning before the driver came to pick him up, and reminded him that she was proud of him no matter what.

It wasn't his wife's pride that drove him, but it helped somewhat – it was the knowledge that he would be helping the children like himself that couldn't fight back. Who had nowhere else to turn. Or, at least, he hoped he would be helping them.

God knew he didn't even know if he was doing that.

"Papi!" Noah cried. "Papi, papi, papi, papi, papi!" The little boy's voice echoed in the house as he ran down the stairs to find him.

"Noah, hombrecito, slow down," Rafael said with a fond smile, scooping him up and hugging him close in his dinosaur pajamas and damp hair. "Did you give mami trouble in the bath?"

Noah shrugged. "I didn't wanna take it. Why weren't you home for dinner, papi?"

"Don't you worry about me," Rafael said softly. "Now, tienes el pelo limpio, los dientes limpios y los ojos soñolientos. Es hora de ir a la cama."

Noah pouted. "You comin' to baseball tomorrow?" he asked. "Coach Peter says I'm going to get to play shortstop."

Rafael had tried not to read too much into the fact that Peter Stone had volunteered to coach Noah's little league team, being a former professional baseball player. Or that he did little things to impress Liv and catch her eye. But sucking up to Noah was a low blow. The man couldn't know that he didn't have the ability to hit the broad side of a barn with a ball or a bat, but hey… it was fine. It was fine. Not every man's prowess was sport.

"Yeah, Noah, I'll be there," Rafael promised. "Shortstop is a very important position. I played that once before." He had a vague recollection of getting popped in the face with a baseball before being removed from the game and basically being told never to play again. No aptitude for sports. Stick to debate.

"Papi?"

"Yeah, Noh?"

"Mommy says the new baby will be here soon," Noah said. "How soon?"

Rafael exhaled a little laugh. "Really soon," he replied. "Any time now."

"Why didn't mommy grow the baby in her tummy?" Noah's brow was creased heavily. "I asked and she got really upset and told me to come find you."

Rafael steadied himself for a moment, then said, "Noah, is mami upset right now?"

"Uh-huh."

He sighed heavily and pressed a hand to his forehead, reminding himself that small children did not understand adult nuances – and, hell, most adults didn't either. "Noah, I need you to tell me when mami is upset," Rafael said. "Okay?"

"Mommy got really sad and started to cry –"

Rafael hesitated a moment, unsure how much to tell the little boy or how to phrase it so he would understand. "Mami and papi had a baby girl before you were born," he said softly. "But she died. And it makes us very sad sometimes. And mami didn't want you to see her be so sad because she loves you so much, Noah. Okay?"

Noah was frowning. "It makes you sad too?"

Rafael nodded. "It does. When someone you love very much dies, it makes you very sad for a long time because they aren't with you anymore and you want them to be."

Noah took a deep breath, then said, "But you've got me and the new baby?"

"We do," Rafael agreed. "But we'll always be sad because Eva isn't here." He twirled one of Noah's damp curls around his finger and said, "Let's go give mami a hug and go read a story, little man."

After Noah's story, she hadn't wanted to talk about it. She just wanted to hold him and quietly talk about their day. Hers had been filled with disclosures that had gone nowhere and paperwork, his had been filled with CFS motions and research on two larger cases at the end of the day which was why he had missed dinner and not gotten home till after 8. She was already asleep on his chest by the time he came to disclosing that one of the cases was tangled up with a homicide case, and so much the better, because he wasn't looking forward to that Kevlar staying on.

He drifted off to the soft sounds of her mumbling in her sleep about DD5s.

…only to be woken up by his phone. He grabbed for it, blinking awake as the light from the screen blinded them both. "Rafa, what the fuck," Liv groaned.

"I don't know," he fumbled. "Barba," he rasped into the phone.

"Rafael?"

"Maddy? It's like… an inhumane hour," he complained.

"Well, I can't help it if your daughter thought that 2:18 am was a good time to make her grand entrance into the world," Maddy countered. He could hear her smile through the phone even though she sounded exhausted. "She's doing just fine – all six pounds, eight ounces, and sixteen inches of her."

Rafael turned to Liv and said, "Mi amor, es una niña. Tenemos una hija."

"They're both all right, thank god," Liv murmured. "When can we –"

"When can we come see you?" he asked, putting the phone on speaker.

"Oh, I explained the situation and they said you two can come up any time," Maddy said, stifling a yawn. "Now or in the morning. I'm at Cedars, by the way – there wasn't time to get anywhere else. I thought I was having Braxton Hicks till I wasn't and then it was too late to do anything but kiss my ass goodbye and get her out."

Rafael chuckled. "Sounds like she takes after her mother."

Liv glared at him. "You'd better rephrase that, asshole."

"I was referring to Connie," he corrected himself. "But you're impatient, too."

"I have a gun," she reminded him.

"I have Kevlar."

"You don't wear it to bed."

Maddy burst out laughing. "I see why Fin likes you two," she said.

"We'll be there soon," Rafael promised. "Maddy? Thank you."

Once the call was disconnected and Liv's hand had found his, squeezing it tightly, it felt like the world's endless, relentless pace had slowed for just a moment. For just a brief second, it was softness and desire and all to be savored.

"Hey," he said softly. "Constance?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Constance Lucia."

"No," he contradicted. "Constance Olivia Lucia."

Constance Olivia Lucia Barba entered their world as an impatient whirlwind of grey-green eyes and downy fine dark blonde hair and she was in constant motion unless she was sleeping. Rafael thought she was adorable, if a little troublemaker; Liv encouraged her to be problematic in his general direction because it amused her. Somehow, he loved his girls even more because of it. Noah took to being a big brother like a fish to water, helping out with the bottles and feeding, and grabbing diapers and wipes and generally helping Lucy out.

So life kept going.

Onward and upward.

TBC...