XLIII:

"Your phone's buzzing," he said between kisses.

"I don't give a shit," Liv growled. "It's been four weeks, three days, nineteen hours, and five minutes since the last time we fucked, Rafael, and I'm not leaving your chambers till we both come."

His eyes widened with lust and surprise. "Olivia –"

"Carmen bought us thirty minutes, so shut up and let's get down to business," she ordered gruffly, squeezing him through his pants. He groaned and gave himself over to her ministrations. She was quick and efficient, bringing them both to a satisfying climax on the sofa, a smirk on her lips as they kissed their way through the end. "Five minutes to spare, hot stuff," she purred.

"You're going to be the death of me," Rafael groaned.

"Between the kids, your job, my job, Noah's dance classes, your mom…" she sighed. "We don't have any spare time for us."

He was busy tucking his shirt back in and stared at her long and hard. "We'll make time," he promised. "We have to. I don't want to lose you, Liv."

She frowned. It had taken a long time for him to finally open up to her about Iowa, his trip and his near mental collapse; the only reason he had, really, had been the isolation brought on by the Covid-19 pandemic and his terror that she would see through him as his walls came crumbling down one by one. Honestly, she had already known to an extent and was less worried about that than the fact that it felt like he was still running and hiding in a way even though they were isolating together as a family.

"You think you can get rid of me that easy?" Liv challenged with a smirk. "I mean, who else would I drag to shitty awards receptions as the trophy husband? Speaking of, don't forget –"

"I know, I know," he replied. "I'm going directly there after I finish with my last hearing."

"The dog and pony show never ends," she said, rolling her eyes. "I'm not going to dress up because what's the point?"

"The point is that you're getting an award –"

"For doing the same job I always do for –"

He grinned at her, the crooked smirk making his eyes sparkle. "For being a badass?" he suggested.

She fell silent and pursed her lips together in silent disapproval. "You know… the part where you keep telling Noah and Annie that I'm a superhero and a badass cop and put me on a pedestal is going to backfire one of these days," she finally said.

"Hey," he said, sitting back down on the couch and dragging her onto his lap. He nuzzled into her chest, his beard poking at her regardless of her cami and blouse, then murmured, "You are Captain Olivia Benson. You are the head of Manhattan SVU. You save people every day. You are a superhero and a badass, no matter what you think of yourself, and that is why you deserve an award for "just doing your job" – because you go above and beyond just doing what is required. And your babies deserve to know that their mami is a heroine. Okay?"

"How do you always manage to say the right thing?" she asked, sighing and giving him a kiss.

"I just know you?" he challenged. "We've been married forever? I love your gorgeous ass?"

"Was that last one an insult or a compliment?"

"A compliment," he growled, nipping at her neck with a grin on his lips. "Do you need to check your phone?"

She sighed heavily. "Yeah, probably. Garland probably called, or Fin or Rollins or – god, Rafa, it could have been anyone. My phone is literally a device of torture at this point. I pray every call isn't Maddy and breathe a sigh of relief when it isn't, but work calls? Hell on earth."

He smiled sadly. "I know, mi amor. I know."

She bit her lip, then said, "Are we crazy… trying for one more baby at this point in our lives? We're old enough to be grandparents practically."

"No," he said softly, earnestly. "We needed to be ready on our terms and when the vaccines rolled out and Maddy agreed it was time, it was time. Connie gave us a gift when she died, and I wouldn't trade Annie for anything. Her curiosity, her drive, her intensity… and I hope to god that her little brother or sister ends up being a little less so, or I might end up bald."

Liv laughed. "Well, we'll find out soon," she said gently. "I can't wait. I just… I'm worried we've bitten off more than we can chew. We aren't young like Carisi and Rollins."

He snorted. "Young. Liv, we may be on the wrong side of 50 now, but we have life experience in spades. And we look sexier in evening wear than most of these damn kids."

"You do," she replied. "Trophy husband." Liv paused, smirked, leaned in and breathed, "Daddy."

Rafael snorted. "Wow," he said. "Low blow, Mrs. Barba."

"Just calling it like I see it," she purred in his ear. "I love you, Rafa… but I need to get back."

One more deep, drugging kiss and she reluctantly peeled herself away from him and headed back to the precinct for another afternoon of nonsense.

"Where are you?"

"Mmm, the car," Liv sighed. "I got stuck in a meeting at 1PP." She turned and pulled up to a red light just outside the courthouse.

"You know it's difficult to honor the guest of honor when they aren't here," Rafael teased.

"I'm not that late," she shot back.

"I've been here like forty-five minutes," he said, his tone indignant.

The light turned green and she turned onto Centre Street. "Okay, fine. I'm on my way – just make sure there's a glass of wine when I get there because I'm over it," she sighed. "And when we get home, all bets are off, hot stuff. You, me, unspeakable acts of pleasure."

He chuckled. "Looking forward to it, Mrs. Barba."

"I finally submitted the name change paperwork with the –"

"10-13, 10-13 officer down officer down, car bombing on Centre Street."

Adrenaline surged in her veins; she could see the smoke rising from her position and heard Rafael over her car speakers. "Liv – Olivia –"

"Rafa, I have to go. I love you."

"Olivia!"

She hung up the phone and grabbed the radio. "Unit 24171 responding to 10-13 on Centre Street. ETA 1 minute," Liv said. "Captain Benson en route."

She didn't beat the ambulance, but she did stand there in stunned horror upon seeing Kathy Stabler lifted onto a gurney. "Kathy – oh my god –" And then, suddenly, on the sidelines, she spotted him. Older, looking far more tired and… but it was…

"Olivia?"

"Elliot." His name was somehow foreign now. It had been a long time since she'd had to use it in any way but the old, casual way. "What happened?" She shook herself and stared at him. "Why are you here?"

"We were late – headed uptown to a thing," he said. "I had to – I had to take a call, and Kathy got into the car and it exploded."

"She's going to be okay," Liv assured him hollowly, reaching out to touch his arm. "Go ride with her, okay? They're going to take her to Mercy. I'll meet you there."

"You're coming?" he asked, a split second of unfathomable pain crossing his features before it was tucked away again.

She nodded. "Of course," Liv said softly. "I'll be right behind the ambulance." Her voice was shaking at that point, though she tried to mask it. Everything moved so quickly then that it wasn't until she was on her way to the hospital and making calls to keep the wheels moving and got the investigation going that she stopped to think about Rafael at the party, wondering when she would show up. She hoped that Fin would have told him that something had happened and –

Elliot was pacing the waiting area like a caged animal. "So you're a captain now, I hear," he said.

Liv paused and replied, "Yeah. It's not without its downfalls, believe me. I haven't had a decent night's sleep in months and that trend isn't likely to go away any time soon." She smiled wryly. Her phone rang and she lifted it to her ear. "Hey," she murmured, her voice softening.

"Are you okay?" Rafael's tone was frantic.

"I'm fine."

"A car bomb? Fin said –"

"I'm fine," she repeated, her tone softening even more in assurance. "I suppose you're on your way here and there's no way I can talk you out of it."

"Oh you'd better believe it," he growled. "Running straight into danger like –"

"A badass?" she shot back. "I just need to get a statement out of the victim when they get her stabilized and then a witness statement from the victim's husband and then I can head back to my office and write out my witness statement. And then I can go home."

"Olivia –"

"No, SVU's running point on this because I took the call and –"

"Mi vida," he said softly, "you're already exhausted."

She tensed. "I don't need to be handled."

"Okay."

"I'll see you when you get here," she grumbled, hanging up, feeling more than a little put out.

"That your boyfriend?" Elliot said.

She felt a little annoyed by his assumption that she couldn't have pulled anyone by now, couldn't have landed someone and created a loving, full household, a family… and yet, she didn't correct him. "Something like that," Liv finally said, slumping into a chair.

Elliot said, "Good – you deserve to be happy."

She was about to open her mouth and counter him when Rafael all but burst into the room, Carisi and Rollins on his heels. "Liv, you okay?" Carisi asked immediately.

"I'm fine," she assured him.

Elliot sneered. "Lawyer," he said.

"SVU's ADA," she said. "My friend, Sonny Carisi," she introduced. "And his wife, Detective Amanda Rollins. This is Elliot Stabler, the husband of our victim, Kathy Stabler." She paused, hesitated. "Elliot, I believe you and Rafael know one another from a lifetime ago."

Elliot was glaring. "Barba."

Rafael took a deep breath. "Olivia –"

She immediately moved to him, wrapped her arms around him and did not let go. "I'm fine, Rafa," she breathed into his ear. His arms came up around her, grounding her to him, and he pressed small, open-mouthed kisses against her neck. "Hey, I'm not going anywhere, hot stuff."

Elliot cleared his throat. "Boyfriend?" he said scathingly.

"Husband," Barba shot back in abject disgust.

Before the situation could escalate further, she interjected, "I'm sorry – is it really the time for this? Rollins, I need you to take Mr. Stabler's statement. Rafa, please come into the hallway with me." Once they were out of the waiting room and away from the other man, her tension visibly lessened but his didn't. "I'm really okay, I promise."

"What right does he have to blow into your life like a hurricane and pass judgement?" Rafael ground out furiously. "He's been gone, what, ten years now? Ten fucking years without even a goodbye. And yeah, I remember how pissed you were. You took it out on me, and Amaro, and Fin, and Amanda –"

"I had no idea," she said softly, placing both hands on his chest. "Believe me, I was in total shock when I saw Kathy and even more when I saw him. And now, it feels like everything is a fight – he's picking a fight because it's easier than facing what's down the hall in the ER." Liv took a deep, shaky breath. "I love you, Rafael Barba. You do not need to doubt that."

He snorted just a little, rolling his eyes. "Right," Rafael muttered. "Because –"

"Hey," she said softly. "I married you. We have two beautiful kids together and another one on the way. We have a house and a car and retirement funds and are planning to renew our vows next year on our anniversary – what Elliot Stabler thinks doesn't matter. Don't be jealous: it doesn't suit your handsome face." She carefully caressed his chest, then dug her nails in lightly through the fabric.

"I'm not jealous, I'm just concerned that he'll crash land back into our lives and play demolition derby with everything we've worked so hard to –"

"Don't you trust me?" she interjected.

"I trust you implicitly. With my life. I don't trust him any farther than I can pick him up and throw him," Rafael countered. "Especially after you broke silence after Tucker."

She inhaled sharply, swallowed hard, then licked her lips. "I did what I had to do –"

"I'm not trying to fight," he said softly. "I promise. But the man in that room doesn't see the woman I see – strong, fearless, badass. He sees his partner who can be manipulated and maneuvered to cover his own ass and he will use that to his own advantage because he's done it so many times before. He will gaslight you, he will push you, he will hurt you – and I will not tolerate it again."

"You don't have to be my knight in shining armor," she sighed.

"No, I don't," he agreed. "But I want to be. You are my wife and what kind of husband am I if I don't help you polish your crown so you can see your own reflection once in a while, mi amor?"

She let out a watery laugh. "Rafael Barba, feminist icon and BFF of the oppressed," she murmured, leaning against him. "God, I love you." After a long moment, Liv asked, "Are you going to stay or head home? I know you have an early meeting."

"Depends on what you need from me," he said gently. "You need me to stay, I'll stay. You think you'll be okay, I'll head home and make sure things are okay there."

"Stay a little longer?" she said before she could rein the words in. Yes, he would be surplus to requirements and probably a little bit in the way, and yes, it would infuriate Elliot, and yes, it might even make her look weak. But in her heart, Liv knew she needed him there with her at least a while longer, her rock in the storm.

"You know you only need to ask." He pressed a kiss to her forehead and released her from their embrace. "Probably ought to go back in there before Amanda bites his head off. She was looking a little mutinous."

"She's really weak," Elliot warned, leading Liv into the small private room in the ER. "But she's stable for the moment. Hey, Kath, brought you a visitor –"

Kathy's eyes tracked over to Liv and the blonde cracked a small smile. "Olivia," she whispered. "El said you were here – you haven't changed a bit –"

Liv chuckled low in her throat and settled in awkwardly at Kathy's bedside. "Liar," she said with gentle affection. "Want to tell me what happened? Whatever you remember. I'll record it and someone can transcribe it at the station." She pulled out her phone and started recording.

Kathy sighed and said, "We were late. Elliot had to take a call and I went to get into the car. And then I was waking up here. I don't remember anything else." She paused and reached over to grab at Liv's hand that was holding the phone. "This is new," she said, indicating her wedding ring. "Lucky man – he is a man, yes? It's not Casey Novak, is it? El said she's the DA now –"

Liv laughed softly and ended the recording. "Yes, I'm married. Yes, to a man. No, it's not new." She shot a glare at Elliot, who had the grace to look uncomfortable. "And, yes, Casey Novak is still a pain in my ass most days."

Kathy cracked a weary grin. "Look at the two of you, though… it's like the good old days. Benson and Stabler."

Elliot frowned and said, "Kath, you know –"

"Oh, I know," she dismissed. "But I always was the third wheel when you two got going."

"El, can I talk to Kathy alone for a minute?" Liv asked. Reluctantly, he retreated, and she braced herself. "Kathy, I know you think that something inappropriate happened between Elliot and me –"

"He told me –"

"He had an affair but it wasn't with me," Liv said. "I… covered for him and it nearly cost me my badge, my marriage, and my life. I'm not going to make that mistake again. I'm not lying for Elliot anymore. I never slept with him and I'm sorry that you thought that I did." She took a deep breath. "My husband's name is Rafael. He's a family court judge. We have two wonderful kids. We've been married since 2008. He knows all of this, my deepest darkest nightmares, and he hasn't run yet."

Kathy weakly squeezed Olivia's hand. "You were married before we left?" she asked.

Olivia nodded. "I was pregnant when Elliot turned in his papers." The pain of reliving the moment when she had told him was just as fresh then as it had been in the first place.

"I'm so sorry – I thought –"

"It's okay," Liv assured her. "I just wanted you to know the truth." She smiled softly. "Want to see my babies?"

"Oh, yes," Kathy said.

Liv queued up her most recent photos and found a few shots from recent days when they'd been playing out in the fenced in small courtyard out back beneath the bare tree. Noah's golden brown curls peeked out from beneath his blue beanie and his cheeks were flushed pink as he was dangling off the ground, captured in Rafael's arms, a wide smile gracing the older man's greying beard and the fine lines that were definitely settling onto his face, and tiny little Constance – Annie, as she called herself – with her bright, large green-hazel eyes and dark pigtails with such milky white skin that she looked like she'd bathed in milk and her big toothy smile. They had gone out to have a parade like in a story Lucy had read to Annie before the sun went down, and Liv had been at work, so Lucy, ever the faithful nanny, had sent her video and photo evidence of the shenanigans.

"This is my family," Olivia said softly, turning the phone to show Kathy the image on the screen. "Rafael, Noah, and Annie. They're the loves of my life."

Kathy smiled and whispered, "Your kids are sweet."

"Sweet little monsters," Liv chuckled. "Noah's seven and Annie's three."

"Your husband is sexy," Kathy said. "How did you –"

Liv smiled indulgently. "Remember Don Cragen?" Kathy nodded. "He sent me to Brooklyn SVU for a month on loan. Rafael was Brooklyn's Executive ADA at the time and we had to work together… we hit it off, he shot his shot, and we never got out of each other's pockets." Liv swallowed hard. "Hey, look, it's getting late – you must be so tired and I've still got to go back to the station and get my statement drafted. Try to get some rest, okay?"

Kathy squeezed her hand again. "Olivia… I'm sorry I don't remember more."

"It's okay," Liv assured her. "Why were you guys there at all?"

"El had a meeting with Judge Malcolm and we were late getting back to the car – we'd had to park so far down the way on the street meters," Kathy explained. "And then he had to take that stupid call and I was pissed because we were already late leaving for the awards thing – he was supposed to announce you, you know."

"No," Liv said softly, "I didn't know."

Kathy sighed. "We were late. But so were you."

"Seems like the only ones painfully on time, as usual, were Fin and Rafael," Liv commented wryly. She squeezed Kathy's hand again gently. "But that's okay – I don't need an award to remind me I'm doing good in the world. Try to get some rest, Kathy." She headed out into the waiting room again, only to see the stressed faces of her husband and Elliot Stabler. "I'm going to head to the station. El, she needs you. Rafa, I've got five bucks says you can find a pack of goldfish crackers in my glovebox or a pudding cup in the cooler in the floorboard behind the driver seat if you wanna hitch a ride."

"Is this part of the unfathomable pleasure I was promised earlier?" Rafael asked in a dry tone.

She gave him the dirtiest look she could muster. "Ten bucks gets you a hand job when we get home," she shot back.

"Deal," he replied.

"That's disgusting," Elliot muttered.

Rafael rolled his eyes in Stabler's direction. "I'll throw in a shoulder massage while you transcribe for free," he volunteered as they headed off. "Thought he was going to have an apoplectic fit for a second," he commented once they were out of the ER. "You do realize there will be no more sexual activity today, right?"

"Rafael, don't be stupid," she sighed. "Did he say anything to you while I was in with Kathy?"

"He glared a lot," Rafael said. "I'm used to it. Intimidation tactics, I mean. He doesn't frighten me. Bullies generally don't." They got into the car and he fished around in the glove box, coming up with some snack crackers and some fruit snacks.

She waited a second, then started the SUV, waiting for it to warm up. "But did he say anything to you?" she asked.

"Yeah." Rafael shrugged his shoulders. "He said he couldn't understand how Olivia Benson could possibly be attracted to someone like me. Whether he was referring to my sexual orientation, my sense of fashion, my career path, my beard, my prior abuse, my ruling on the Andrews case last week, or my general hostile disposition, I'm not entirely certain, but again – I don't suffer bullies kindly."

She put the SUV into drive and took off, her anger catching up to her quickly. "Fuck him," Liv spat.

"I would rather not," Rafael said with a sigh. "I would rather fuck you."

She gave him the side eye. "I understand that, but –"

"I'm bisexual, you know that. I've dated men and women. It's not a secret," he said. "He can be a shit about it if he wants to be. You know my history. I am with you. We are together, endgame. End of story. Sometimes we're into pegging. It's not… it's not fucking any of his business what we do in our bed. It never was."

"No, it wasn't," she agreed. She sighed and tightened her grip on the wheel. "I don't think he knows about Tucker and the IAB scandal."

Rafael grunted. "Someone better tell him."

"I told Kathy." She bit the inside of her cheek. "She all but accused me of sleeping with Elliot and I – I never did. But I had to cover for him when he was sleeping with someone else. And when Tucker found out, that's when it all kicked off."

"All of that for Stabler's fucking dick," Rafael grunted in displeasure. "I swear to god, I'll take great joy in cutting it off myself."

"Hey!" Liv yelped. "I thought I was the heavy lifter in this relationship."

He chuckled. "Okay, okay… you get first crack."

"Thank you," she scoffed. "Tonight has been weird. I want to go home and kiss the kids and sleep for a year before I have to see Elliot Stabler again."

"I never want to see him again. Why are they here anyway?"

She sighed. "Apparently, he was supposed to introduce me at the thing tonight."

"Jesus. Whose brilliant fucking idea was that?"

"I don't know but I hate them on principle." She frowned. "Do you think the universe is trying to tell me something?"

"Like what?"

"Caution? Error 404?"

"Isn't that the thing when the internet can't display your website or something?" he asked.

"Yeah something like that."

"I mean, it's pretty paranoid to think that the entire universe is out to get you," he pointed out. "Want a cracker, mi amor?" He didn't even wait for an answer before he was pressing a couple into her mouth.

She chewed, then swallowed and said, "It might be paranoia, but if it turns out to be true and justified –"

"Woman, do not make me put you over my knee when we get home," he scolded.

She chuckled. "We don't have time for that, Rafi."

"Unfortunately." They settled into a comfortable silence until they got to the precinct and headed up to her office. Once she was done with filing Kathy's report and her own report, they headed home.

It was well past two by the time they collapsed, fully-clothed, into bed, unheeding the need to shed any of their exterior nonsense and, instead, Liv and Rafael gave into the overwhelming exhaustion that threatened to claim them.

TBC...