XLVI:

After they put the kids to bed, he cleaned up the kitchen and scrubbed down the tub in the bathroom, then realized he hadn't heard Liv puttering around or watching TV for a while. Rafael headed out into the living room, found her laptop open but abandoned with a couple of files left open on the coffee table – which he closed – and the television was on, but whatever she'd been watching was on mute. "Liv?" he called, concerned. Her phone wasn't on the table, so wherever she was, at least she had that much.

Baby, you ok? He texted her quickly after fishing his phone out of his pocket. Thirteen years married and his heart still hammered out of his chest when she wasn't in sight: echoes of the dangers they had found themselves in over the years. Of hostage situations, of William Lewis and Ed Tucker, of Rafael's own mental breakdown and of fights that had nearly ended them only to bring them back together, stronger than ever. But this felt different. This was off. Not danger, but… painful nonetheless.

"Liv?" If he raised his voice any louder, he would wake the kids up and no one wanted that.

I'm okay. The text was too dismissive for his liking, but did he have a right to feel that way at all? Was she just trying to reassure him?

Rafael took a deep breath and grabbed up the cleaning rags to take them to the laundry room in the basement where they would meet their brethren and wait till the weekend for a wash. He wasn't expecting to see Liv sitting on the cold concrete floor against the dryer while the washer went through the spin cycle. "Hey," he said softly, drawing her attention up to him. "Everything okay?"

She plastered a smile on her face – the smile she usually reserved for politicians and higher-ups at functions – and said, "Yeah. Fine. Annie had an accident in her big girl panties and forgot to tell us, so I'm washing the sheets now. She's in pull-ups tonight."

"Okay," he said. "I mean, potty training is hard and accidents happen."

"But to not tell anyone she had an accident?" she said with a sigh, the smile slipping. "Is she so scared of what we'll do, Rafa? Are we those parents?"

"No," he assured her. "She's just Annie. It's okay." He sat down next to her and tossed the rags onto the growing pile in the corner. "What's wrong? And don't tell me it's about the pee-covered sheets. You forget how long I've known you."

She laughed, her tears making the sound hollow. "Stabler," Liv said, summing it up in one word.

"I wish to god he'd never blown back into our lives," Rafael growled. "He is a hurricane of toxicity and I cannot stand –"

Liv reached over to rub his shoulder. "Rafa," she soothed, "I'm sorry. This is my fault. I should never have –"

"Olivia," he said gently, "none of this is anyone's fault. The situation is what it is and we have to deal with it. I just despise the man for what he's done and that he thinks he can continue to manipulate and gaslight you."

She leaned against him and he rested his head against hers. She was breathing unsteadily, until finally, she whispered, "He came by tonight to give me something. He wanted me to come to the funeral so he could give it to me but I didn't and –"

"What is it?" he asked.

"An envelope. A letter? I don't know. I don't know if I should read it or not." Her voice was soft, weak, tired. "If it's an apology, how do I live with the fact that he can't say it to my face or acknowledge that what he's done is wrong? If it isn't, how do I live with the fact that he's twisted reality to a point that he can justify his actions? If it's anything else – god, Rafael, I want to burn it. I want to watch the light in his eyes, all of his hope burn to the ground." She exhaled roughly. "Is that cruel?"

"No," he said. "I don't think it is. But it doesn't matter what I think or what I feel, mi amor."

"It does," she countered. "Because when everyone else is gone, it's just you and me. Siempre."

"Well, my opinion is that Stabler is a bully who wants his own way and is willing to walk over anyone who is in his path," Rafael said. "That includes you and me. Our family. The squad, Casey, the kids… anyone who doesn't think or behave the way he thinks they should. We've dealt with people like that before and the only way to handle them is to present a united front and push back."

She let out a heavy sigh and rubbed her head against his arm. "I'm tired, Rafi."

"I know, mi alma," he replied. "So am I. It isn't fair that we have to keep fighting the fight to be on the side of the righteous and the good."

"I want to burn the letter," she said. "I don't care what he has to say: it doesn't change anything."

"Okay," he replied softly. "Will you do me one favor?"

"Anything."

"Let me make a copy of it. Let me read it and hold its secrets. You don't need to know what he's said, but if he ever tries to use it against you, I will destroy him with his own words," Rafael promised softly. "I know you don't need anyone to fight your battles, Olivia, but we are together in this – and as your husband, I only want to protect you and keep you safe."

She didn't even hesitate in handing over a battered white envelope; just a normal business envelope with her name scrawled in heavy ballpoint ink on the outside. The man couldn't even spring for the good pens, Rafael thought derisively. "He was my friend once," Olivia said very quietly. "I don't know why it even hurts me to say that now. I even loved him in a way."

"It hurts because betrayal always burns," Rafael said softly, "even when time has passed."

She sighed heavily again. The washing machine had stopped already and neither of them had made an attempt to move yet to drag the sheets to the dryer. Somehow, it seemed like much too much effort. "I want to hate him, but what good is it?" Liv asked.

"Hate is for William Lewis," Rafael responded immediately. "You can't hate Elliot Stabler."

"Can't I?" she said very quietly, pulling away from him and getting to her feet. "I need to finish what I was working on so I can go to bed. Do you mind putting the sheets in the dryer, honey?"

He could feel her pulling away from him, shutting down, attempting to close herself off and pretend to be okay, and he couldn't blame her for one moment. "I've got it," he assured her. "Anything else? You want me to bring you some hot chocolate while you're working?"

She forced that smile again – the one that was as fake as a three dollar bill – and stretched. "That would be amazing," Liv said. "Have I told you how much I love you?"

"Not since dinner," he teased lightly.

"Well, I do," she said, the injury clear in her tone.

"I know," Rafael promised. "It's in everything we do and don't do together, mi vida – you don't need to tell me. It's in the very air we breathe." He reached out and tangled their fingers together for a brief moment, smirking. "My eyes are only for you."

She smiled with a little more genuine affection and gave him a kiss, then disappeared back upstairs. He folded the envelope over and tucked it into his pocket with his phone, then threw the sheets into the dryer with one of the wool dryer balls and got the machine going before he, too, headed up the steps.

Once in his office, he sliced open the envelope and made a copy of the letter before he settled in to read it. On the one hand, it seemed innocuous enough, full of professional praise and generalizations, a couple of specific stories, nothing at all out of the ordinary for a speech at an awards ceremony. But a hastily scribbled note in Stabler's hand at the end made his blood run cold in his veins – whether from rage or jealousy, he could not be certain. But either way, it was enough to flare danger in his heart and make him question everything he knew to be truth yet again.

In another universe, it will always be us.

Had his wife lied about sleeping with Stabler in the first place? The man was so possessive of her that it made Rafael sick with worry that he would do something to harm her or the children – and why? It wasn't as if he was her blood or her bond; no, that honor belonged to the man who fretted over and desired her welfare day in and day out, who had lived through the worst moments of her life and held her pieces together though neither of them deserved to be so broken, so shattered. Damn him. Damn Elliot Stabler.

Liv was standing in the doorway, watching him, but he didn't notice until it was too late to put away the letter. "What did he say?" she asked.

"Liv –"

"Rafael, all my life, I've been running from my problems," she said. "Just once… I need to take the bull by the horns and wrestle him to the ground instead." She took the letter out of his hands and skimmed the neat paragraphs, turning the page over, swallowing hard when she saw his scribble at the end; the postscript that cast everything in doubt and shadow.

"He thinks very highly of you," Rafael said diplomatically.

"Someone else wrote that," Liv dismissed. "Kathy, one of the kids, some random police officer – not Elliot. He isn't… he isn't collected like that." She jabbed her finger at the scribble with such anger that she nearly tore the paper. "He is rash, impulsive, full of himself and his ideals. This is him," she said, her voice cold and hard. "He wanted me and couldn't have me so now what? He thinks he can play games and make me come running. It isn't going to happen." She met Rafael's gaze with eyes blazing pure, unadulterated hatred. "Burn it," she whispered. "Both copies. It never happened."

"Olivia."

She rested her hand on his cheek and whispered, "I know. And I don't care. I made my choice a long time ago. I fell in love with you and, yeah, it hasn't been easy, but you're my everything, Rafael. You think his stupid little note is going to change that? No. No, it isn't." Liv inhaled sharply through her nose, then added, "Now you wanna get that hot ass of yours up to bed so we can watch the news and complain about the state of the world and fall asleep during the weather?"

He grinned at her. "Wouldn't miss that for the world, mi amor."

It was snowing on Saturday and Liv did a half shift, coming home around three looking much like an abominable snowman to the kids' delight as she shook off the snow and scooped them up for love. They had hot soup and crackers for dinner, and watched a movie before they put them to bed.

Maddy called from the hospital; she had a little bleeding scare with Little Jelly Bean, but they were keeping her overnight and everything looked to be okay. Six months in and everything was good, but things like that happened and alarm bells went off and panic ensued but it was all for nothing after all. After all, Liv had lost Eva at five months, just when everything had been going swimmingly. Nothing was guaranteed.

Sunday morning, Rafael and Annie got up and made breakfast, conspiring together to make French toast and sausages for their sleepier counterparts – who roused themselves grudgingly at the smell of delicious food. And after that, it was decided that they would get dressed and go sledding in the new snow at the park for a little bit just to tire the kids out so they would take a nap.

Rafael kept a proud, watchful eye on his little family from the sidelines as Liv pulled Noah and Annie around on a plastic sled with a nylon rope, the sled barely moving under the combined weight of the children. They were really going to have to get a better sled before next winter, what with the new baby on the way and all.

"She always wanted to be a mother," said a thick, gruff voice from his side, and Rafael turned his head, barely able to hide a disgusted sneer at the sight of Elliot Stabler. "She's great with them."

"Olivia is the best mother I could have asked for for my children," Rafael said, forcing himself to keep his tone even. "What can I do for you, Stabler? I don't recall inviting you to join us today and as far as I'm aware, we didn't let anyone know of our plans."

"I was on my way to talk to Olivia when you left and I… followed you discreetly." He shrugged.

You stalked us. Like a hunter with his prey. Toying with it. Rafael fiddled with his phone in his coat pocket, ready to call Fin or Rollins if needed. "She doesn't want to speak to you," Rafael said.

"It's about Kathy's case –"

"Then it can be handled during business hours," Rafael snapped, turning his head to glare at the man. "Fin is more than capable of handling your needs. My wife is not at your beck and call every waking moment of the day and night."

"So you dare to speak for Captain Benson and her entire squad now?" Stabler scoffed in disbelief. "Judge Barba, just a family court judge, starting out after twenty some-odd years in the DA's office –"

Rafael shrugged and said, "My record isn't in question. It speaks for itself. And there is no Captain Benson. It's Captain Barba."

The muscle below Stabler's eye twitched. "So she finally did what you told her to do, eh? Changed her name to yours. Never thought I'd see the day Olivia Benson would give up her –"

Rafael saw red and nearly lost it then; he turned to face Stabler and lifted a finger to silence him. With deadly calm in his tone, he said, "Let's get one thing perfectly clear, Detective: I do not tell Olivia to do things unless they are a matter of life or death. No one does."

Stabler glared at him, then smirked knowingly. "She has you so firmly by the balls you don't know which way is up, do you?"

"You know what?" Rafael snapped. "You don't know when to quit. So hear this: if you don't leave her alone, I will file a restraining order. You think it won't be enforced because you're a police officer? Just wait. When it pertains to the family of a sitting judge, everything is a whole lot different, Stabler. Do you really want that hanging over your head?"

Stabler laughed and shook his head, running his hand over the light hair on his head. "I can't believe she really fell for you," he grumbled. "It's… unthinkable. She was so strong, and you're so…" He made a face and gestured.

"Strength isn't force," Rafael countered. "Or brutality. It's compassion and weakness even when you can't bear to face the world. It's holding your head up and still breathing when you're drowning in sorrow. Don't preach to me about strength when you don't know the meaning of the word." He took a deep breath and added, "She will be back at work tomorrow. You can talk to Fin today or wait until tomorrow. But stay away from our home and our family."

Olivia chose that moment to look up at them, and the happiness on her face was replaced with a blank mask. She looked back down at the kids and made a choice to continue to be present with them in the moment instead of stepping away into the fray of whatever was going on with the men. And, for that, Rafael was grateful.

Stabler huffed and muttered something under his breath, then said, "She'll leave you. When she realizes who you are, she'll leave –"

Rafael barked out a laugh that seemed to irritate Stabler more. "I'm sure she will," he said, crossing his arms. "But until that day, I content myself with the fact that I get to go to sleep with her every night and wake up with her every morning and fuck her whenever we both want. And, god, it's good."

Like Annie when she was throwing an epic tantrum, Stabler grunted and turned on his heel, stomping away. Rafael knew he had gotten under his skin and he was glad of it. There was no gentle way of making sure the man knew Liv was spoken for beyond a shadow of a doubt, and Rafael was not as assertive a man as maybe he should have been. He was glad enough to let Liv and others do the heavy lifting while he did the behind the scenes work. His days of flash and glam in a courtroom were over, replaced with much more sedate, sedentary judicial processes, and while he missed the theatrics, he did not necessarily miss the tantrums they evoked.

"Papi, papi," Annie squealed, running over to grab his leg, "momma says time to go."

Noah trudged up with the sled in hand a minute later, a pout on his face. "Mom says we've got to go home now."

"Yeah, it's pretty cold," Rafael said. "Time to go home and make some hot chocolate and watch a movie!"

"Otay," Annie said. Rafael picked her up and balanced her on his hip, and she had fallen asleep within a couple of steps. Olivia was smiling at them both, and he smiled back.

"Stabler?" she questioned.

"I told him to go talk to Fin," he muttered. "He said it was case related."

"Rafa," she murmured.

"Olivia," he countered, "this is our time with our family. If he can't respect that, he doesn't deserve your time at all." He wasn't about to tell her about the stalking, the intimidation, the belittling or any of the rest. Not in front of Noah. "I love you. I will fight for this now that we have it."

Olivia moved her arm around his back and held him as they walked. She said nothing, but that was all right; she had said it so many times before. She would fight for them, for their family, to the death even, because that was who she was.

Olivia Barba, champion of the oppressed and mommy with a sled in hand, walking down 6th Avenue like some kind of an avenging angel. And he loved her with every fucking beat of his heart.

TBC...