A/N: I didn't mean to leave update this late, but many Adult Responsibilities meant I couldn't edit until literally today. If this was Ao3 I'd hashtag #nobetareaderswedielikemen because how can I get anyone to beta read my chapters at this stage of my writing welp. Anyway, hope you enjoy reading the fight scene at least, as much as I did writing it!
C/W: Possible descriptions of a panic attack, mentions of suicide
Hurting
Still processing his surprise at Seki's invitation to train together, Gaara wasn't completely taken aback when she took up a fighting stance opposite him once they arrived at the training grounds. Apparently her idea of training was just a straight up sparring match. A quick survey took in the edges of the forest and a lake just a few metres away. Konohagakure had plenty of such wide training spaces for their shinobis, a natural resource Sunagakure didn't have much of a luxury of.
"Hey, focus."
The Kazekage looked back at his opponent, slightly hunched with one hand hovering above her weapons holster and the other in front of her. Seki's eyes were still red, and her unblinking gaze made Gaara breathe a little bit faster.
He hadn't forgotten the last time those eyes turned magenta.
"I should've asked earlier, but are you su-"
"Positive. I'm much better at controlling my emotions now."
If he had eyebrows Gaara would have drawn them together in a deep frown. There was something off about the way Seki responded. She didn't seem irritated to him, but her calmness was not reassuring.
We're not too far from the inn, and the hospital is South West from here, Gaara made a mental map of the quickest direction he would take if things went awry, before lifting his palms to control his sand.
"If you say so."
"Underestimating me already?"
"You just became Jounin. In case you haven't realised, I've been Kazekage for a while."
Seki blinked, caught off guard at the jab. Gaara's face remained passive, but internally he cringed. This was NOT the time to try sarcastic banter, you stupid-
"Was that banter, Sabaku no Gaara? I didn't know that was possible."
"You don't know quite a lot of things, I think."
"That's why I need training, huh," Seki gave a quick smirk which settled some of Gaara's nerves, and sparked a few others. The latter smiled back and spread his chakra through the pool of sand now gathered at his feet. He didn't realise how much confidence this casual conversation gave him, made him think for a moment that things could actually feel normal between them.
"Don't hold back now," Seki almost whispered before disappearing into the air. Gaara felt her presence a fraction of a second before he saw her, and his instincts pulled the sand wall up on the left. There was a 'thump' as he felt her heel land on it.
"Kaze no Rensei Hari!"
Gaara watched tiny bumps appear as wind needles started drilling into his sand via the air pockers, just like the first time the Nibi had taken over Seki and attacked him. But he didn't have time to think about that before he felt goosebumps on the back of his neck: she had leapt to his other side that was clear of sand.
He spun round to see Seki's fingers, pointing straight at his face.
.
"Sabaku Kyu!"
Seki leapt back as Gaara quickly swung his arms from left to right, sending the sand wall with her wind needles hurtling towards her chest. She released her chakra to dull the impact of her wind, but couldn't avoid the crashing sand. Grunting, Seki swapped herself out with a wind clone before it could squeeze her.
Gaara's eyes found hers immediately once she landed on the ground a metre away, and his hands swept over, followed by a wave of sand. Seki thrusted forward a wind shield. There was a loud bang as the elements made contact, and she threaded more chakra to hold up a strong barrier.
Then, a sudden release as the sand fell to the ground, and inertia caused Seki to tumble forward a little. Her foot landed on more sand (she hadn't seen it sliding underneath) and small tendrils started wrapping themselves around her ankle. Gaara pulled her body towards him like a raggedy doll, while Seki's hands dove quickly into her weapons holster and flung out a few shurikens.
The red head swiftly dodged them, but Seki smirked when he didn't notice her wind halting them in midair, beside his face. Gaara blinked, dropping sand from her ankle and focusing on the floating shurikens now flicking about his upper body. Seki felt sweat bead on her forehead as her legs struggled to get out of the sand while her hands maintained control of the flying shurikens. She was used to using her wind to improve the accuracy of her shuriken throws, but manipulating them in mid-air was a relatively new technique; the mental split of having to do it while her feet manouvered around the grainy obstacles was proving to be much more difficult than she anticipated.
After a few seconds of dodging, Gaara wrapped each of the shurikens in his sand and sent them flying to Seki. The latter avoided the tiny balls with the grace of a leaping ballerina. She tried to take control of her weapons again, threading chakra into the air around those balls and launching them back at Gaara. She could feel her competitiveness bubbling out, aggressively shooting more wind behind each sand-wrapped-shuriken until you could see the air ripple along its path. Gaara shifted into a deep lunge, gesturing seals as he smoothly ducked out of range of the Seki's attacks.
"Ryusa Bakuryu!"
The ground rumbled a little and cracked and Seki watched with horror as sand started spilling out of the earth into large ocean-like waves. She leapt up onto a tree branch as it came crashing towards her and used it to propel herself in the air. Positioning herself above Gaara, Seki put her index and middle fingers together and pointed down:
"Futon: Rensei Taifuu!"
A hurricane grew from around her wrists and pummelled towards Gaara, smashing into a sand shield that had quickly formed above his head. The waves of sand pulled away from the forest and reached up like giant tentacles. If anyone was watching from the outside, it really was an incredible sight as their two elements covered the huge distance between their bodies.
Seki gritted her teeth uncomfortably as she threaded more chakra into her hurricane, willing it to hold the pressure above Gaara. She spotted a tiny eye ball being formed near Gaara's position, and realised he was going to go into full-defensive mode. With his sand barriers, he would have an advantage over her if she didn't do something fast. Her red eyes swiftly charted the shortest route to Gaara. It was considerably harder to control her hurricane if she wasn't directly connected to it, but Seki estimated she could leave it drilling into him for a good three seconds. After taking a quick inhale, she detached herself from the hurricane and flew towards her childhood friend.
.
Gaara floated his third eye to the top of the hurricane as he built his ultimate defense, but once he realised there was no one there, his actual eyes caught Seki's flickering sillhouette coming down the sides of his sand. Although his sphere was being formed, most of his sand was still holding up the hurricane which continued to weigh down above him for another full second. Gaara couldn't do anything but follow her lithe figure jump closer and closer to him. Right as the hurricane disappeared and his sand sphere fully closed, Seki's fist jabbed right at his face.
But it stopped a hair's breadth from his nose, sand firmly holding onto her elbow and halting Seki's punch. Gaara adjusted the pressure so it wouldn't crush her bones, and watched from his third eye as Seki crouched into a steadier kneeling position on top of his sand sphere. She wasn't struggling to get out of her current entrapment, but her eyes were calculating as she gazed at her submerged arm.
From inside his sphere, Gaara observed Seki's fists clenching and stretching slowly as if trying to encourage blood flow. He worriedly wondered, did I squeeze her arm too tight? and loosened a little more of his sand around her arm.
"Hey Gaara," her voice was muffled through the sand, but once again, Gaara could pick out the unsettling calmness in her tone.
"You're pulling back the sand, do you think I've been beaten? That's rather arrogant of you."
"If I was arrogant, do you really think I'd be in here being on the defensive?"
"That's true."
"You've improved a lot."
"I'm glad you noticed," Seki smirked again, and Gaara tensed watching from his external eye as her hands, both outside and inside the sphere, formed a claw shape.
"I worked really hard to take your breath away."
Seki wasn't moving but there was a gust of wind circling around the hand in front of Gaara's face. The sand user felt a difference in air pressure inside his sphere, but before he could understand what was happening, Gaara started coughing as if there was too much air.
Or too little, his brain surmised, and a quick prod opened a gap in his sand sphere so as to let in some oxygen. It didn't give any relief though, as it seemed Seki was creating a wind vaccuum around Gaara itself. He wasn't the type to panic, but desperation began thrumming in his being as he felt his breaths become shallower and shallower. He made to release the third eye jutsu to gain back some chakra, but noticed that Seki's eyes were a shade darker from when they began their fight.
"Seki-"
"What's wrong, Gaara? The air's caught your tongue?"
Gaara threw his arms up and forward, trying to hit Seki with the force of all of his available sand. But the kunoichi deftly moved to the side as the sand flew past her and started thinning out.
"Oh, that's not the phrase isn't it? Let me rephrase that: cat caught your tongue?"
Her voice sounded like it was raised to a higher register, but Gaara couldn't be sure. He was starting to feel light headed and saw Seki's eyes flash magenta.
.
Seki was fighting Gaara.
At least she thought she was.
Not too much, just enough to weaken him...
Right now she was sucking air out of the sand sphere, suffocating him. When her instincts had turned to using that jutsu, she felt something. She felt... it.
She called it 'insanity' for so long, it was strange to realise its real name: fear. She felt fear.
Not too much... I can't hurt him-
Why not? He's strong, he can handle it.
Her forearm tingled with the familiar sensation of pins and needles whenever she used too much chakra at one go. Seki blinked a few times, but her vision was cinching into a narrow tunnel and she couldn't relax her fingers.
I don't want to hurt him. He's chokin-
He underestimated you, he still thinks you're weak.
No, he doesn't.
Yes he does.
Why was she fighting Gaara, actually? She wanted to stop now. Nothing was making sense suddenly, and she felt really tired. But her legs were stiffly locked into place, her focus strangely unwavering from strangling the teenager before her. She felt pins and needles around the edges of her eyes.
He was coughing harder now, bent over. Sand was whipping erratically around with the wind, scratching her face. But she didn't stop. She was staring. She was thinking. She didn't want this.
Wait. Stop.
You are weak. You wouldn't be strong at all without me.
Shut up. Wait. Shut up.
You're nothing without me. Just a monster.
"Seki," his voice was so soft under the roar of wind and brushing of sand, but Seki felt more than saw Gaara's aquamarine eyes pierce through the haze of her inner turmoil.
"Seki, sto- Help me."
Gaara's not afraid of me.
He's afraid of you. He's afraid of me.
I- Wait, I don't-
Without me, you're nothing.
You said I was a monster.
Yes you are.
But you said-
I am you. You are a monster.
Seki felt as if there was an echo reverberating through her, her skull pounding and pulsing. She hated the words, she hated that voice, it pinched her guts, twisted the nerves in her knees and thighs, shivered in her arms. But it didn't make sense. The words didn't make sense.
You are a monster. You are nothing.
I don't underst- Gaara doesn't think that I'm a monster.
That's because he is one too.
"NO!" Seki yelled aloud, gasping as if she just emerged from cold water. She released her fingers from the jutsu, and the sensation of pins and needles beneath her skin faded away. The red head collasped to the ground along with any sand that was floating. He took a deep inhale, looking paler than normal as he tried to regulate his breathing.
Accummulated fatigue descended onto Seki's shoulders and chest, but instead of dropping to her knees, she started twitching. It was as if there was electricity zapping her spine and her joints, and Seki felt her inner chakra levels fluctuating heavily.
She could smell blood – it was coming from her cheek, where sand had cut her earlier. But there was a bloodlust, a need to kill, inside her, and thatwas more distracting.
I'm going to kill him.
"No! Gaara!" Seki wheezed out his name, trapped in an adrenaline rollercoaster within herself. She started embedding chakra in the air again on instinct, but she couldn't release it against herself and ended up thrusting gusts of wind in random directions. A few shots flew by Gaara's face, and Seki's eyes widened in panic. She didn't mean to do that, she didn't mean to, but Gaara misread her look and cried out:
"Futon: Sajin Daitoppa!"
Sand started pouring out of his mouth, travelling faster than his previous attacks. It caught all four of her limbs before she could properly react and Gaara pulled her to full height, dangling her in the air. She couldn't move, and the Nibi hated it- Seki hated it.
I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him.
"AARGHH!"
Seki let out a gutteral scream, but it wouldn't drown out the chanting in her head. It was as if there was an inbuilt knee-jerk retaliation against the immobility, and any part of her body that wasn't covered in sand started thrashing about. Seki could feel herself losing focus. More gusts of wind shot from her palms, trying to push through the sand's grip.
"Seki, stop-"
The wind bullets stopped, but the her body was still thrashing. She kept yelling in spurts, her eyes squeezed shut, forehead creased with worry. The Nibi- Seki- she couldn't feel herself, but she also felt herself move, react, reach for Gaara.
I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him.
"Stop!" Seki whispered fiercely. In a burst of energy, she directed her chakra to the air around her face, pulling oxygen out of it. She felt wind blowing her hair everywhere, and when she next tried to inhale, there was nothing but a sharp pain where her lungs usually contracted. Seki was so overwhelmed she wasn't even aware of Gaara when he finally stood in front of her, hands on her face.
"Seki? Seki, stop! SEKI STOP!"
Without warning the wind died down, and the sand disintegrated. Seki fell unto a pair of arms, and cracked one eye lid open, her vision fuzzy as if she were looking from under deep water. Aquamarine eyes stared back at her, a look of recognition of the jutsu that nearly suffocated him, and Gaara's messy red hair was the last thing she recognized before everything went black.
.
Gaara nervously tapped his foot as he stood waiting beside the hospital emergency room. Nearly an hour had passed since the end of their 'training' session, but his mind was still haunted by the image of Seki was thrashing about in the grips of his sand wall. Right as her body stopped fidgeting in his arms, Gaara saw magenta eyes shadowing dark before fading back into Seki's usual red. Her eyes rolled up, closing, and he couldn't feel her breathing.
He didn't think he'd been more scared in his life.
When Temari finally came running down the hallway, Gaara suddenly felt a wave of gratitude for actually having someone he could vent to, heart reeling from paranoia and guilt. But then he saw Keimyou and an unknown, lanky, brown-haired boy following behind her, and Gaara was vaguely aware how his rough state and dirtied garments would prompt some unpleasant assumptions.
"Temari. Keimyou. I'm so s-"
"Gaara! Are you alright? What happened?"
"I'm fine. Seki asked to train with me and we ended up sparring-"
"Are you injured?" Temari quickly interrupts, worry flickering in her gaze.
"No, I'm not. But Seki-"
"What did you do to Seki?" Gaara glanced over as the stranger directed his harsh tone at him. Keimyou gently slapped his shoulder.
"Tomiro, don't say stupid things."
"He said they were fighting. Now she's in the emergency room. What am I supposed to say?"
"She's fine," Gaara tried to reassure them, but he could hear the doubt in his own voice. "She started breathing again when I brought her here, bu-"
"She wasn't breathing?!"
"She was- She did a jutsu that could suck oxygen out of the air."
"On herself?"
"No she-" Gaara hesitated. He remembered thinking Seki wanted to kill him- was going to kill him, but something in his gut assumed that she was trying to stop herself. At least he believed that was the reason for her spasms towards the end of their duel. Even with all their years estranged, he was sure Seki would never mean any harm upon him.
Temari must have sensed Gaara's discomfort with sharing further because she suddenly said, "Well at least, she's in safe hands now! Let's just wait until the doctors come out."
As if on cue, the doors to the emergency room opened and Sakura walked out removing a face mask with a couple of medical nins. The Kazekage turned, but Tomiro and Keimyou practically leapt ahead of him, accosting the pink haired kunoichi.
"Is she okay? Is she awake?"
"She's fine, she's just sleeping now. I injected some chakra boosters because she was completely drained. She'll wake up when she's recovered."
"Where is she?"
"We're putting her in Ward 3B, on this level. You can go see her in a bit."
Tomiro stalked off immediately, but Keimyou lingered to speak to Sakura.
"She went to see you this morning, didn't she? Did anything come out of that meeting?"
"She didn't tell you?"
"I didn't see her. She didn't come back to the accommodation. She-" Keimyou stopped, stealing a glance at Gaara, and a few gears clicked in his head. Sakura frowned, considering silently for a while.
"Right. I'll get the nurses to contact me when she's awake and we can discuss our meeting with you then. Gaara, can I have a word with you?"
The red head nodded, hiding his surprise and trying his best to ignore Keimyou and Temari's concerned looks. As he walked with Sakura to a corner of the hallway, he heard their footsteps fade away.
"What's wrong, Sakura?"
"Do you know Seki?"
"...Yes."
"How well?"
"What do you mean?"
"She told me a little about herself when I met her and she said she was from Sunagakure originally. She also has a... particular condition, and I was going to ask her to meet Naruto and you, because I thought you two might be able to help her."
"Is this about the Nibi's poison?"
Sakura blinked in surprise, but regained her composure quickly, "So you do know."
"The last time we met was 5 years ago. We've only just got reacquainted. I don't know if anything has changed since then."
"Oh, well, some things have changed..."
Gaara waited as Sakura looked at him. He could see she was debating whether or not to confide in the Kazekage about Seki's condition, and truth be told he had no idea if he wanted to know.
"... But I'm more interested with how you found her."
"We- I didn't. We were... sparring. I, I guess I may have been the reason she was drained of her chakra."
"Did you see her get triggered? She told me about her episodes when the poison would flare up."
"Yes. It was... I suppose it was me. She seemed the same as the last time."
As he spoke, Gaara second guessed himself. In his recollections, Seki had a completely different persona when the poison took over. This time felt different, like the transformation had been clumsy, almost difficult. In fact, it reminded him of when he still had the Shukaku in him: physical spasms, incoherent yelling as he tried to control the Ichibi's bloodlust, even if he had never seen himself from the outside.
"I'd like to know about it. Seki told me some part of it this morning, but I'll be honest we were rushing things a little because I thought she was leaving today."
Gaara had never had much opportunity to interact with Sakura since she and Naruto rescued him, but he was mildly impressed with how collected and stable she seemed in the uncertainty of a stranger possibly possessing the Nibi's powers in their midst. But he supposed in comparison to Naruto's power, Seki was almost average.
"Of course."
.
When Gaara appeared at the end of the hallway, Tomiro was outside Seki's room. The moment the red head was in sight, the Takigakure shinobi glared at him, but then he heard Keimyou's stern chiding in his head, and quickly looked away. Thankfully, Gaara didn't seem perturbed by this reaction, although from what he's heard about the Kazekage, Tomiro doubted he would have reacted even if he started yelling vulgarities in his face.
Tomiro jerkily bowed as Gaara approached, "Kazekage-sama."
"Tomiro-san, is it?"
"Yes," the teenager supposed he shouldn't be surprised that Gaara knew his name. After a few quiet seconds, Tomiro spoke, "Apologies for earlier. I shouldn't have insinuated you hurt Seki."
"I understand how you came to that conclusion."
"It's just- Keimyou said you knew her back in Sunagakure, back when..."
"Yes. I did."
"Then you should know: Seki hasn't forgotten, or forgiven herself for any of her... incidents. She's always so closed off, but I know she wouldn't instigate a fight. She's too concerned about hurting others, so I felt protective."
Gaara nodded, and something in his look made Tomiro suddenly wonder about Gaara's attachment to Seki. He had heard about him mostly from Keimyou and word of mouth, but Tomiro never cared much for the previous host of the Ichibi. It didn't really matter to him, until now, when the person – teenager – stood before him. Even with his Kazekage garb, Gaara didn't seem to give off an intimidating aura, just cold. Stand offish. Like Seki.
Perhaps they feel the same, Tomiro considered, and felt the burn of embarrassment. He recalled when he'd first arrived in front of the emergency room with Keimyou and spotted Gaara standing there, staring into space, a deep frown creased between his eyes like a parent worried for their child.
Or a lover worried for his significant other.
"I, I really am sorry," he said, cheeks flushing.
"It's okay."
"No, it's- Keimyou have spoken about you two and I should have known- I was being childish."
"Childish?"
"I was uh," Tomiro tried to look unbothered, but it was uncomfortable degrading himself in front of Gaara, even more so because the latter looked genuinely confused.
"I was jealous."
"You were..."
"I have feelings for her. I love her, more than just a friend."
"I, I see," Gaara had nothing else to add to that statement. His blank look was equal parts unsettling and intriguing to Tomiro, who couldn't stop himself from elaborating.
"She doesn't feel anything for me, though. Don't worry. I did use to think maybe it was just trauma, just her walls blocking out any kind of affection towards her. But I've come to realise these things can't be forced."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, when she rejected me the first time, I thought all I needed to do was prove my sincerity," Tomiro chuckled a little, the memory reel in his mind running through all the gestures of affection he had done for Seki.
"But that aggravated her more, so I left it alone. Then when she tried to kill herself again, I think something in me really clicked. And I realised I couldn't help her that way, because that's not what she wanted from me. Not who she wanted."
"She tried to kill-"
"Kill herself."
"How-"
The redhead stopped himself and Tomiro wasn't sure if he did it merely out of respect for Seki or because he did not want to know. Either way, Tomiro himself didn't think he could bear describing to Gaara the mornings when he and Keimyou would find Seki in a pool of her own blood or spit; he was relieved not to recount those incidents.
"...Who did she want?" Gaara ended up asking.
"A friend. Maybe a brother. Someone who supported for her from the shadows, I guess," Tomiro took a deep breath and felt his exhale shake his shoulders slightly. "If she needed my strength, I'd be somewhere she could always find, ready to give it. But I'm not the one to... walk beside her. Hold her hand."
The corridor was empty except for the two of them, although there were sounds of nurses walking by and patients coughing at a distance. Tomiro looked through the window into the ward, feeling Gaara's teal gaze follow his until they landed on Seki, lying unmoving on her bed, Keimyou and Temari standing beside it.
"So you're saying love is... holding someone's hand. Staying beside them."
"If she lets you," Tomiro shrugged, nonchalantly looking over at Gaara, who was in contrast, intensely staring at the ground. It was as if he was searching for the meaning of emotional, human relationships in the white linoleum flooring. Tomiro blinked a couple of times, suddenly sensing that the Kazekage was a little out of his depth.
"This is just, ah, my interpretation, of course. Sorry, I went off on a tangent. I'm just very... emotional."
"Please, don't worry, I," Gaara looked up to Tomiro, but words failed him momentarily.
"And don't tell Seki I told you about her... attempts. She's moved past that, I think. For the most part," Tomiro struggled to curb his bluntness, trying to be reassuring despite his personal doubts.
"I won't."
"Thank you. She is trying. I wish I could help her, but she needs to help herself too and... I think she is trying. Even if she doesn't know it."
"You care very much for her."
And Tomiro knew it was not a challenge on Gaara's end, but a strange acknowledgement. A quiet validation of one's tireless devotion that did not need the spotlight or reciprocation. He was the last person Tomiro would have thought could comfort him, but he smiled back, glad to find understanding.
"Yes."
.
I love her, more than just a friend.
Gaara knew he didn't want Seki dead. He knew he had missed her after all these years. He knew he had been scared to see her again because he didn't know if she was going to be the same person he had once known. The same friend he had once cared for. The same girl he had a bond with.
I love her.
Temari looked up and caught Gaara's eye through the window. As she tried to smile reassuringly at him, Gaara pressed his palm to his chest. He felt the tiny clench that occurred whenever his siblings expressed any kind of appreciation for his existence. The same sensation when peers like Hinata or Zehi look at him with friendliness and not fear. The same comforting feeling when Naruto was in his presence.
But now there was something else.
When Gaara looked over at Seki, he gasped a little, breath slightly shallower. As if he couldn't breathe. As if he had too much air. As if his sand armour was too tightly pressed against his skin. As if he was naked and sensitive to all the world's elements.
I love her.
"I understand, Tomiro. I understand."
A/N: Tomiro was an idea I needed to properly resolve and this is... sort of it? I feel like I need to resolve this whole STORY faster and more succinctly. LOL. But the end is near! I promise, I can see it! *dramatic tear waterfalls with a sunset backdrop*