~ Chapter 3 ~
I heard Benji's footsteps before I saw him. He took one look at Felix before he burst into hysterical laughter. "What did you do to him?"
"He's lucky that's all I did," I muttered. Andrew's jacket was firmly tied around him, trapping his hands to his back. If he was sober, it would be easy for him to get out of it because I could only tie the knot so tight. "He wouldn't stop poking me." I realized how childish I sounded once the words were out, and then suddenly, I was laughing along with Benji. "I guess I should untie him, huh?"
"Eventually, I think you have to," he pointed out. "At least, by the time we get him back."
"Speaking of getting him back. How far do you live from us?"
"Not too far." He shrugged.
"If it's too much, I can ask my dad if he can give you a ride back." I was kind of hoping that he'd say no because I didn't want to have to lie to my dad more than I already had.
Benji smiled before a strange look crossed his face; I almost thought he looked nervous. "I'll be fine. You're at Cherry Lane, right? My boyfriend lives in the townhouses like two minutes from your apartment. I can crash there."
"Oh. I didn't know you had a boyfriend." I couldn't explain the pounding in my head or chest. "Does he go to Creekwood?"
"No, but he lives in Atlanta. He graduated last year."
"Oh, cool. Does he go to college?"
Benji chuckled. I didn't think I'd asked a particularly funny question, so I was a little thrown off. "He's taking a gap year. School isn't really Derek's thing. He's hoping to turn his gap year into a gap life if he can find work doing something with music. His parents gave him a deadline. He has until April before he needs to commit to a college. He applied to a bunch of places, but I think he's still hoping we'll make it big with our band."
"You're in a band?" I tried not to sound surprised, but he didn't look like he was in a band. I guess there wasn't a way to tell that.
"Lead singer, actually." Of course he was. "And I play guitar." Of course he did. "I am a man of many talents." He shook his head and a sarcastic smile settled on his face. The combination somehow seemed hilarious. "We should probably get going."
"Good luck. Every time I ask him if he's ready to walk… here, I'll show you." I turned toward Felix. "Feel like taking a walk?"
Part of me expected this to be the one moment he was cooperative because that seemed like my luck lately. Instead, Felix instantly plopped down in the grass like he'd done nearly a dozen times. Because his hands were tied together, his fall was a little more uncoordinated, but he didn't look hurt.
Benji looked like he wasn't sure whether he should laugh. "You weren't joking. I'll take one side if you take the other." I agreed, and we got Felix to his feet. "How much did he drink?"
"I, uh, don't know. I was with the basketball team, and I lost track of time." Benji raised his eyebrows but didn't say anything about it. I still felt myself filling with shame. His silence spoke way louder than his words ever could. It had been pretty shitty of me to ditch Felix. "I just wanted to get to know them now that I'm gonna be on the team, you know?" Still nothing. I groaned. "Okay. I was a terrible friend. Is that what you want to hear?"
"Wow, you crack easy," Benji teased.
Felix stumbled and nearly took both of us with him. "I've never been good with it," I admitted once we found our balance. "When we were little, my mom always knew to ask me if we'd done something wrong because I couldn't hold up once I thought she was disappointed in me."
"We? You and your sister? I think I've seen her around school."
"Yeah. Pilar."
"Are the two of you close?"
I frowned as I thought about his question. It was an innocent curiosity, but the answer felt nuanced. "Sort of. We used to be a lot closer. Then she started dating and, I dunno, we started drifting, I guess. We're still close, but it's not like it used to be."
"Do you miss it?"
"Yeah," I said softly. "I miss that feeling like it was the two of us against the world. I'm really close with my little brother, but it's different. He's always kind of been the baby of the family."
"I always wanted a little sister. I asked for one all the time when I was little. Every holiday, I used it as an excuse. Christmas, my birthday. Once, I tried to convince my mom she should pick up my baby sister on Mother's Day. That was back when I thought she needed to go to the baby aisle of Target and pick a baby off the shelf." Benji chuckled.
"Bet your mom got a kick out of that."
"She did, actually. She still finds it funny. Every single year, she hangs up this letter I wrote to Santa Claus when I was six explaining exactly why I deserved a little sister."
"That sounds adorable!"
"I was a pretty cute kid," he agreed.
"Do you have a brother?" I asked uncertainly.
He shook his head. "I'm rocking the only-child life. It's probably better that way."
"What do you mean?"
He never got to answer me because Felix suddenly spun around, so he was facing me. "We gotta go back!"
"What? Why?"
"I never got to make my move with Lake. I know she's dating her cousin -" Benji glanced at me, and I quickly shook my head. "But if I don't try, nothing will ever happen, right?" Felix looked at me with his big eyes, and it was surprisingly difficult to shake my head. There was something about the conviction he spoke with and his unblinking that made me wonder whether I was wrong.
"We're not going back."
"But if we go back, you can make your move with Mia too." Felix said it like it was the most obvious course of action.
"Mia?" Benji asked uncertainly.
"They're in looooooove. Victor and Mia kissing in a tree. K-S… K-S-S-N… I… K-I-S-I-N-G." Felix frowned like he was working through a complicated problem. "K-I-S-S-S-N-G." He shook his head and seemingly gave up on it.
"Did you know you're doing… that with Mia?" It could have just been a result of the street light we were passing under, but Benji's face seemed to literally glow as if Felix had personally just handed him the holy grail. "What's going on with the two of you anyway? I saw from creeksecrets that she gave you a ride home from the carnival."
I groaned. Our carpool endeavors had blown up, but I hadn't expected them to reach Benji. Everyone seemed to think we were dating which was actually ridiculous when you thought about it because I'd known her for less than two days. I really like Mia; a lot. Tonight had been incredible, and I'd loved talking to her. I had no idea if I liked her in the right way. I pushed those thoughts aside. This was not the time or place to unpack my crisis. "We're friends, I think." Felix spun in a circle in front of us and nearly stumbled. We steadied him, and Benji looped his arm behind his back to help support him. I did the same thing and tried very hard not to think about how often Benji's arm brushed mine with this arrangement.
"Just friends? That's not what I heard."
I let out another dramatic groan. Someone needed to take Lake's phone away from her; she really wielded too much power. "I know what people are saying, but we really are just friends. That ride home was just a ride home. I don't know if we'll date one day, but I want to get used to Atlanta before I think about anything like that."
I guess that was a good excuse because Benji didn't question it. I'd have to remember that because I had a feeling I'd be giving that excuse a lot. "Do you -"
My phone started to ring before he could finish his question. "Hold that thought." I had to reach into my left pocket with my right hand and fumbled getting it out more than I expected. "Papi, hi."
"Where are you?"
"We're on our way." I guessed we'd walked about an hour, so we only had about two more miles of this torture. "I think there are a few more stops before we'll be home. We're pretty much looping through all of Atlanta." To be fair, some bus somewhere was looping through all of Atlanta; I just wasn't on it. Benji raised his eyebrows at me, but I shook my head.
"Be careful. Your mother would have a fit if she knew you were still out."
"I know; I'll be home soon. I promise. You don't have to wait up for me." He scoffed. Yeah. It probably wasn't even worth the attempt. "I'd guess maybe twenty minutes or so. I'll call you if we're gonna be much longer." There wasn't a chance that we'd be home by then. I hoped that I'd figure out a better excuse by the time our twenty minutes were up. Maybe I could tell him the bus broke down, but I was pretty sure he'd insist on coming to get me at that point. I hoped he'd believe it was just a really long bus route. I was definitely going to be grounded for a long time but that seemed like a problem for twenty-minutes-from-now-Victor to deal with.
"Okay. I'll see you when you get here." I could hear his frustration, and I wasn't sure if it was because he was annoyed with the bus or if he knew I was lying.
"Don't ask," I said once we ended the call.
"Wasn't gonna. It's none of my business why your dad thinks you're on a bus right now."
It was the silence that got to me. "He wouldn't be okay with us walking home, and I didn't want him to see Felix like this." It was all the truth, but it definitely wasn't the whole truth. I didn't totally understand why I'd been so excited for Benji to come here, so I didn't want to open that whole can of worms.
"Are your parents strict about stuff like this?"
"That's hard to answer." Felix apparently decided he was over being on his feet, so we were carrying him more than he was carrying himself. He wasn't terribly heavy, but he was actively resisting our efforts which made this even more complicated.
"Why?" Benji's voice came out in a huff as he struggled with Felix.
"Because I've never had the chance to find out. Anything like this? I keep it need to know with them. It's easier."
"It sounds like it would suck to have to keep part of yourself from your parents." His words hit differently than I expected them to, and I knew it was because of how much of myself I held back from them. I was terrified that if they knew who I really was, they wouldn't like me that much. I was afraid of the same thing. Maybe if I figured this all out, I'd find out I was someone I hated.
"I guess." I quickly coughed. "But they're my parents, and I love them, so what am I gonna do? They've given me my whole life. It seems like the least I can do is be the son they need me to be. I can pretend I've never drank and help out when they need me to and be a good Catholic boy. It's easier to be that Victor."
"Still sounds like it sucks. Your parents are religious?" I couldn't place the look on his face.
"Very," I confirmed. "My mom more than my dad. She's the kind of mom who will tell us Jesus doesn't want us to do something before she'll tell us she doesn't want us to do it. The number of times she's told my sister, 'Jesus didn't die so you could wear that outfit'."
"Do…" he looked at me uncertainly. "Do you believe that too?"
"Do I think Jesus cares what my sister wears? Not even a little bit."
"You know what I mean."
"Yeah." I sighed. "I don't know what I believe. I would be lying if I said I was totally on board with all this stuff." I half expected a bolt of lightning to smite me or for that to somehow summon my mom. When neither happened, I continued. "My mom likes to think we're this perfect Catholic family and we go to church together every Sunday, but… I don't know. I never really had the chance to figure out what I believe or what I've convinced myself I believe because my mom needs that." I didn't say what I was thinking, which was that the Catholic church had made my life 1000% more confusing. If there was a God, I didn't know if he hated me or if everyone I'd known in Texas had been wrong about what he wanted. I had trouble figuring out where I fit into this whole thing.
"So, you just go every week even though you're not sure you believe?"
"What else am I gonna do? I didn't pick my parents, and most of the time, they're the best, so it feels like a small thing to suck up weekly mass." I shivered. Felix was still wearing Andrew's jacket, and it was a cold night. "Don't you ever do that with your parents?"
Benji frowned. "My parents aren't religious, so I don't have to pretend."
"Well, yeah. Obviously not with church. One of my friends back in Texas always complained because his parents had all these weird traditions that made sense when he was five and not when he was fifteen. Like, they always got a family picture with the Easter Bunny. He hated it but sucked it up for them, you know?"
I got the distinct feeling that I made him uncomfortable because he hastily changed the subject. "Do you miss your friends in Texas?"
"This probably sounds bad, but no. I mean, I miss a few of them. I don't know. I guess I didn't have anyone in Texas that made it hard to leave."
"Really?" His skepticism was everywhere - in the tone of his voice, the arch of his eyebrows, the slight frown on his face.
"Yeah. I was popular because of basketball, but it felt like that was all I was. No one really knew me. Pilar used to be jealous of me, but I would have traded places with her in a second. She had real friends. People who knew everything about her. I don't know what that's like." I looked away from Benji. "I had friends I did stuff with, but no one I could talk to."
"Sounds lonely."
I shrugged. "I shouldn't complain. People have it way worse." I didn't know the full story, but my thoughts immediately went to Felix. I was pretty sure I was his only friend in Creekwood.
"It can still be shitty. Maybe someone else's stuff is bigger, but stuff is still stuff."
"Yeah, I guess." I shuddered. "Have you always lived in Shady Creek?"
"We lived in a different part of Atlanta until I was in the first grade. We moved halfway through the year, and I actually ended up repeating because schools in Creekwood were so far ahead of the school I'd been at. I couldn't catch up."
"Why'd you move?" I asked curiously.
"It had always been the plan. They had done their research when my dad got his job, and they knew they wanted to raise me in Shady Creek. They were having our house built, and we couldn't move in until then."
"Do you like it?"
"I don't hate it."
"That's not the same thing," I pointed out.
Felix suddenly stopped walking. "I'm so glad you moved to Creekwood." His eyelids were half closed. "Both of you."
Benji snickered. "Sure."
"Seriously. You're one of the only people who don't call me Lonestone." He rested his head on my shoulder as we continued to walk.
"Lonestone?" I questioned. It sounded vaguely familiar.
"Yeah. There was this rumor that Felix only had one ball. It started such a long time ago… we were like ten or something. I don't remember what started it, but the nickname stuck."
"Oh, that's right. Felix mentioned it yesterday." The details were still a little fuzzy. "It's nice of you not to call him that."
"I did for a while, but when I came out, I realized how messed up it was. I didn't know Felix even noticed."
I looked at the sidewalk. "When, uh, when did you come out?" I half expected Benji to realize my interest went beyond curiosity, but I guess that would have been a bit of a leap for him to make.
"Technically over the summer, but most people found out the first day of school."
I debated whether I could push my luck because I so badly wanted to ask more about it. I felt like we were already in dangerous territory. I'd just assumed Benji had been out for ages; he'd seemed so confident. I realized I didn't actually know much about Benji aside from what he'd told me so far tonight. My curiosity and desire to know more eventually won out. "Technically over the summer?" I tried to sound like I was asking him about something as inconsequential as the weather, and I couldn't tell if I was overselling my nonchalance.
"It means I came out to my parents and friends over the summer but didn't make a big announcement about it. When school started and someone asked if I was dating someone, I told them the truth - that I had a boyfriend."
"And your boyfriend? When did you start dating?"
"The end of April. If you're going to continue the interrogation, Derek came out to his family when he was twelve and came out to Creekwood a few weeks before his junior year ended. We met in January when I auditioned for his band and flirted for a few months before he asked me if I was ever going to admit I liked him." The smile on Benji's face made my heart twinge.
"Wait! What? He actually asked you that?"
Benji's smile grew. "Oh, yeah. One day, our bandmates were running late for rehearsal, so we made a coffee run. He ordered my favorite coffee without even having to ask, and then he just turned to me and asked me that. I was in a panic because we were in the middle of Brasstown, but it didn't matter to him. That's who he is. Derek's Derek no matter if we're in the most crowded place on Earth or we're alone. It's sometimes frustrating, but I love how direct he can be. I always know exactly how he feels because he tells me." I frowned. "What?"
"Nothing," I said instantly.
"You look like it's something."
I chuckled. "Yeah. I guess… I had a friend like that once. For like ten seconds. I'm not saying Derek's like this, but there's something kind of hard about someone who…" I scrambled for the right word. "Who doesn't care who he hurts with what he says or does."
Benji nodded. "Yeah. It can be hard. But he's great. It's worth it. He's done so much for me."
"What do you mean?"
"I was in the closet when we first started dating, and Derek was honest that he didn't like it, but he never pressured me to come out before I was ready. We were in a rocky place for a while. It comes with the territory, and I honestly wasn't sure we were gonna make it through the summer, but he didn't give up on me."
"It's great that you have him."
Benji nodded and for a moment, our eyes met. He studied me for a moment, and I couldn't look away. "What about you? You leave someone behind in Texas?" Benji probably didn't realize that he'd said anything special but saying "someone" instead of "a girl", made me feel indescribably free.
"No. I've never dated. This is all new to me. Figuring out what to do if I like someone. Going to huge parties. Knowing a guy who's dating a guy. Babysitting someone who's drunk."
"Knowing a guy who's dating a guy?" he asked.
I worried that I offended him, so I quickly clarified, "I've just never met someone like you before. I didn't mean anything by it."
He stopped walking. "Am I the first gay person you've met?"
"Kind of." I couldn't look at him. He said it like it was a bad thing, and it probably was. "Almost everyone I knew in Graham, I knew through church or school. If there were gay kids in my school, they weren't out. It was hard to be different, and it didn't seem like anyone was willing to take that risk. It's hard to take risks like that when small decisions like what you're eating for lunch or what kind of coffee you order open you up to be made fun of."
"Can you tell me about Texas?" he asked. "I've been to San Antonio with my parents, but what you're describing sounds so different from what I saw."
"Yeah. If you go to any of the big cities, it's kind of different than living anywhere else in Texas. Graham was pretty small. Not the smallest. Some people who came to Graham for church literally lived in the middle of nowhere. If I stayed there, I would have graduated with 51 other people."
"51? I thought Creekwood was small but that's… wow. Our class is almost bigger than your whole school."
"Almost. My aunt and uncle lived in Dallas, and we visited a few times, but we never really explored. We just went wherever they took us."
"Did you like going to a small school?"
"It was all I ever knew until we moved. There wasn't much room to be different. I always thought that once I graduated, I'd have the space to figure out who I am. Then we moved here, and I guess I'm realizing I was using Graham as an excuse."
"I used to feel the same way about Creekwood," he said softly. "I felt like everyone had an image of who I was, and they didn't try to figure out if they were wrong. It's like you said. I always blamed Creekwood and then, all of a sudden, I realized it was actually me."
"It probably wasn't just you," I reasoned. "I think it's really hard to figure out who you are, and people definitely don't help. I've been here two days, and I feel like I've already been put in a box. It must've been hard to come out."
"It was. I've known for a long time. Longer than I really like to admit, but I didn't want to be gay. Part of it was that I didn't want to deal with everyone else, but I also just didn't want that for myself. I thought I was messed up enough without it. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't something else that made me more messed up. It was just part of me I couldn't run from anymore."
"Yeah, I get that." I heard myself after the words were out of my mouth. "I mean, I think. I can imagine. Maybe."
I was really grateful that Felix groaned loudly and said, "I'm tired. I don't walk anymore" before he became deadweight. I hoped Benji was too distracted and maybe missed the slew of words I'd thrown together to cover my slip.
"This isn't working," Benji muttered. "Hold on a sec." He helped Felix to the ground before he pulled out his phone and walked a few feet away. I wasn't sure if he thought I wouldn't be able to hear him, but he wasn't far enough away for that. Instead, I pretended like I couldn't hear him. "Hey. Do you think you could come pick me up?" I squatted in front of Felix. "No. I'm with two friends. One of them is really drunk and -" Benji cut off abruptly. "No, of course not. I promise. We're just having trouble getting back to their apartment, and I was hoping you'd be able to pick us up."" Benji was silent for almost a minute. "Or we can walk, but at this rate, I'm going to be lucky if I get to their apartment by morning." Benji sighed and dropped his voice. "I am a high schooler, so I don't know what you expect." He looked over at me, and I quickly looked away. I forgot to keep pretending that I wasn't listening. "Thank you. Okay. See you soon."
Benji looked up and the moonlight gave him the illusion that he was glowing. I focused on Felix. "You okay?"
His eyes fluttered shut. "Are we almost home?"
"Soon," I assured him.
"Very soon," Benji confirmed when he got back to us. "My boyfriend's coming to pick us up."
I didn't want to tell him I'd been listening in, but I had been, so I'd noticed that something had been missing from the one-sided conversation. "Does he know where we are?"
Benji groaned and quickly sent a text. "Now he does. Sorry, I thought you were exaggerating before when you said Felix was giving you a hard time. I should have called him a while ago."
I wanted to ask why he hadn't, but it was pretty obvious he didn't want to talk about it. It took Derek less than five minutes to get to us, and it was immediately awkward. He clearly wanted nothing to do with us and didn't even acknowledge us as he waited for us to get in his car. It took some work to get Felix buckled into his seat, and then I slipped into the back with him. "I'm sorry," Benji murmured as he slipped into the passenger seat.
"We'll talk about this later." Derek's voice was every bit as quiet as Benji's, but we were in a pretty small car, so I wasn't sure if they actually thought we couldn't hear them.
Felix even started to say something. He only got out, "talk" before I put my hand over his mouth and cut him off.
After about thirty seconds of an unbearable silence, I couldn't take it anymore. "Thanks for coming to pick us up. I don't think we could have gotten Felix home without you. Benji said you were great, but this was next level, so thanks." I thought I was laying it on thick, but I didn't want to be the reason they were having problems.
Derek looked over at Benji, and I swear, his face softened a little. "Anything for this guy."
The smile on Benji's face made me feel simultaneously happy and sad. At least it didn't seem like I was about to cause a fight between them. To be fair, I probably wouldn't have been thrilled to have to carpool my boyfriend's drunk friend around. Especially not when it was getting close to midnight.
"Benji mentioned you're in a band together?"
Apparently, I'd found the right thing to ask about because suddenly Derek and Benji were bouncing off of each other as they talked about the band. They clearly loved each other a lot, but not nearly as much as they both loved music. It was kind of funny to watch.
By the time we got to my apartment, I thought Derek at least didn't hate us anymore. I'd take that as an improvement. "See you in the morning," Benji reminded me once Felix and I were out.
"Bright and early," I agreed.
I stood outside until Derek drove away. My confusion only seemed to be magnified by everything that had happened tonight.
I helped Felix up to his apartment, and he stood in front of his door. "You can't come in. It's a disaster."
"I'm sure it's not that bad."
"Oh, it is." He looked at me nervously. "So… good night."
"Not a chance. Let's go."
He put his hand in his pockets. "The thing is…" He squinted at me. "I have a great idea. What if I crash at your place?"
"Trust me. You do not want my dad to see you like this."
He pulled out his key and, while unsuccessfully trying to get it in the lock, said, "I really am fine."
I took the key from him and got his door open. I only pushed it a few inches before I met some resistance. Before I could figure it out, Felix stood in the doorway. "Please," he begged. "You can't see this. You'll never be able to look at me again."
I met Felix's eyes, and I could see that he believed his words. "I promise that I don't care if trash is piled to your ceiling. Just let me get you some water and get you to your room."
"Promise?" He held up his pinkie, and it took me nearly thirty seconds to realize what he wanted.
I looped my pinkie with his. "Promise."
Felix had said his apartment was messy, but I hadn't been prepared for the sheer amount of clutter that we had to stumble around on our way to his bedroom. I left him for a minute to get some water and when I got back, he was trying to figure out a pair of pajama pants where one of the legs were inside out. "Let me help." He handed me the pants, and I quickly fixed them. His t-shirt ended up on backward while he was changing, but I figured he'd survive the night. I handed him his water. "Drink this."
He obediently took several sips of water. "Thanks." He lied down on his bed.
"Um, Felix? Is… is everything okay?"
"Huh?"
"Is everything okay with you?"
He sat up and blinked rapidly. "Wh-why do you ask?"
"You just seemed really nervous to have me see your apartment, and you got really drunk tonight and… if there was anything you wanted to talk about… well, you could, you know."
He was quiet for such a long time; long enough that I started to feel uncomfortable. I was on the verge of telling him I needed to get home when he finally spoke. "My dad left us when I was five. We've lived in this apartment for as long as I can remember. I didn't realize anything was wrong at first. That's kind of the thing with this. It's not like it happened over night. It was a box of baby clothes that she put in the corner and a bin of magazines that she couldn't part with and a DIY project she quit halfway through but insisted she'd get back to. Then, one day, I walked in and realized that it looked like this." He stuck his tongue out just a little as if he was concentrating. "My mom… life is really hard for her. She has trouble getting out of bed and going to work most days. I think it takes everything she has, so when she gets home, things like cooking and cleaning? They're just not things she can do. She has…" he let out a shuddery breath.
I pushed his desk chair to the edge of his bed and sat down. "It's okay."
He shook his head. "No." It was all he said. He ran his fingers through his hair before he wiped his eyes; that's when I realized he was crying.
I had no idea what to do, so I did the only thing I could think of; I grabbed his hand. "It is okay. Whatever's going on with your mom; it's going to be okay."
He sat up and threw his arms around me. I wasn't prepared for it, but I thought I recovered quickly. I patted his back and waited. "She's, uh, she's bipolar. She can't help it."
"Okay."
After a minute, Felix pulled back and gripped my wrists so hard; I was pretty sure I was going to have small fingertip-shaped bruises tomorrow. "You can't tell anyone. If they knew how she was… they might not believe she's okay, and I could be taken away from her. Please."
I really hoped I wasn't going to regret this. "I won't tell anyone." I knew the moment I said it that I meant it. I couldn't take that away from him. It was his life and his choice. "Is… is it that bad? Right now, I mean."
Felix frowned. "No. Not right now. It's been worse before. Sometimes she's too depressed to eat or shower, and she'll spend days sitting on our couch without moving. And then sometimes she's… it's kind of hard to explain. It's like she looks like she's the opposite of depressed, but she's still depressed. Or she's not, but she's not healthy. It's just the other side of having bipolar." I got some more water in him. His words were starting to be a little less slurred.
"What does that mean?"
"It means she gets, like, over excited about things. Like, when I was in the fifth grade, and I started being bullied because Andrew sucks, she spent four months staring at the wall in our living room and then went through a phase where she was trying to teach herself how to do floral arrangements because she was sure that was her calling. For weeks, she stayed up almost all night watching how-to videos. It was all she could talk about, and it looked like she was doing well, but her whole life revolved around those floral arrangements. She couldn't think about anything else, and if I tried to talk about anything else or suggest that maybe she needed to stop ordering custom-colored roses, she got angry." His eyes widened a little. "Really angry."
I felt my heart drop. "What does that mean? Really angry?"
"Exactly what it sounds like. She'd get so angry, she'd start crying. The smallest things would set her off."
"But she wouldn't…" I couldn't ask the question I needed to ask.
Fortunately, Felix seemed to know what I was trying to ask. "No. She never has, and she never would. My mom loves me. No matter how angry she gets with me, she would never hurt me. Not like that."
"How is she right now?"
"She's at an in-between. She's not totally okay, but she's not so depressed that I'm force feeding her dinner or so manic that she's trying to paint our kitchen appliances or trying to retile our bathroom by herself, so… she's fine."
"You don't have to do that," I told him softly. "Tell me she's fine if she's not."
"She is fine… or she's getting there. My aunt passed away last February in a car accident. She was my mom's only sister, and my mom's really been trying. I think she's just still coming to terms with it. She had a really long depressive episode in June. She's just still pulling together the pieces and trying to get out of that. She's on new meds and is back at work. That feels like enough for me."
"Is it?"
"We have food in the fridge and electricity. Trust me; everything's okay."
"I believe you." I wasn't sure I did. Food and electricity didn't feel like enough to me, but I got why Felix would want to pretend it was. If I had to make a choice between figuring out how to fend for myself or losing my family, there was no end to what I would be willing to deal with if it meant I got to stay with them. I needed to trust Felix on this one.
"Thanks." He yawned with his whole body.
"You should probably get some sleep."
He was already falling back against his pillow, and I pulled his blanket over him. "This can go both ways." He snuggled into his blanket, and his eyes drifted shut as he yawned again. "If there's anything you want to talk about, you can."
"Maybe when you're sober." Even if I'd been ready to let someone into the chaos of my confusion, I definitely wasn't going to tell him when there was a chance he wouldn't remember. I didn't want that safety net. If I told him, I wanted to be sure I was ready. "See you tomorrow?"
"Uh huh." He yawned again.
"I'm gonna get you more water before I leave." I didn't think he even heard me. I filled his cup up in the bathroom because that was closer. I shut off his light and closed his door before I retraced my steps to get out of his apartment. I froze when I accidentally knocked over a box that seemed to be filled with a bunch of tiny, heavy objects because it made such a loud thump and then there was an entire minute of those objects clashing into each other and getting settled when I put it back where it had been. I was sure it was going to wake up his mom, but she never came out to see what it was.
My dad didn't even have words for me when I walked in. It was after 1 am, and I knew I was in a ton of trouble. "I'm sorry. I didn't know it was going to take so long to get home."
He just shook his head. "I'm not stupid. I heard you when you came in. We'll talk about this in the morning."
"I got a job. I'm gonna be working at a coffee shop, and I have my first shift in the morning. If you're gonna ground me, can you do it now?" I already wasn't looking forward to waking up in six hours, but I definitely wasn't going to wake up just to get in trouble. I'd rather get it over with.
"Do you want to tell me where you really were and why you didn't come home when you got here?" He was giving me his disappointed dad look. If Benji thought I'd cracked quickly earlier… it had nothing on this. I never could resist that look. There was something particularly daunting about my dad being disappointed in me.
"We really were at that party, but I brought Felix upstairs when we got back. I just wanted to make sure he was okay. He has some stuff going on, and he needed a friend. I didn't want you to see him like that. I'm really sorry."
"You make it really hard to be mad at you, you know that? I'm proud of you for being there for your friend, but you can't lie to me. I need to know where you are."
I nodded. "I know. It won't happen again."
"Go get some sleep."
"I'm not grounded?"
He eyed me. "Do you want to be grounded?"
"No. I'm just surprised. I'm almost three hours past curfew; I thought you'd be really mad."
"I am, but I remember what it was like to be fifteen, believe it or not. You were just doing what you thought was right. Do it again, and I'll let your mother deal with it."
"It won't happen again." My mom would freak if she knew.
"I forgot to ask: how'd it go with that girl tonight?"
"Mia? We hung out a bit. She's really nice. Hey, pop?" He tilted his head, so I continued, "how did you know that mom was the one for you?"
"I just knew."
"Yeah, but how? I like Mia a lot, but how do I know if she's who I'm meant to be with."
"You're in high school, Vic. You probably don't need to worry about this."
"You were in high school," I pointed out.
He sighed before he nodded. "For me, it was always about how connected I felt with your mom. You know we met working a crappy job after school. We always closed together which gave us a lot of time to talk and get to know each other, but I wanted more. I wanted as much time as I could get with her. And, as I got to know her more, it was never enough."
"Was there a moment where you were like, 'yeah. She's my person'?"
"I think after her grandfather died. She was telling me about him, and she started to cry; it made me cry. I never even met the guy, but I cared about your mother so much that her pain was my pain."
"Her pain was your pain," I said softly.
"Yeah. Only you know if you have that with Mia. I got lucky with your mother. It happened right away. It doesn't happen like that for everyone."
This was in no way helpful, but I nodded like that made total sense to me before I excused myself to my room. I texted Benji once I shut the door behind me. Thank you!
He answered almost immediately. Anytime :)
My dream that night was just as confusing as my day had been, and I woke up feeling every bit as tired as I'd been before I fell asleep.
I felt like I didn't really wake up until I began my walk to work. Once I was outside, the cool air really helped, but I still desperately needed some coffee.
God bless Benji because about thirty minutes into the most god-awful safety video I'd ever seen, he handed me a cold brew. "On the house," he assured me.
I sipped my coffee while I watched actors, who looked like they were straight out of an eighties movie, reenact workplace safety. It was all common sense, and I had no idea why Sarah made me watch it. I could only assume it was a requirement because I had to sign something saying I watched the whole thing.
It was nearly noon before Sarah was finished with me. She had thrown so much information at me and I retained approximately none of it, so I thought Benji was going to have his work cut out for him.
Fortunately, he believed in teaching on the job, so he mostly supervised to make sure I was making everything correctly. It took actual effort to focus on the drinks, but I didn't want a repeat of my interview, so I did my best.
Fortunately for both of us, I managed to get through my first shift without spilling any milk on either of us. The worst that happened was that I knocked over an entire stack of cups and sent the lids flying but that only happened because I noticed a piece of paper on top of the espresso machine; it was my note. I had no idea how it got up there; maybe Benji had put it there while cleaning up yesterday and forgot about it.
I was so surprised to see it that I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing, and my hand changed trajectory. Probably because part of me wanted to grab the note right away, and it took me a solid second to decide that I needed to wait. It felt like a miracle that it was there at all, and I didn't want to risk that Benji would still find it. One close call was more than enough.
Beni essentially never let me out of his sight because of the whole he's-training-me thing. I tried to wait until he had to go into the back for something, but he always made me go with him because there was always more for him to tell me about. Refilling the mocha bottle turned into a whole thing about inventory and how we logged if something was almost out, so it could be added to the weekly order. Washing the blender turned into a whole thing about where supplies were kept for doing the dishes. Him burning himself while making a cappuccino and needing to cover it turned into him showing me where the first-aid kit was and where we needed to fill out a report if we had a serious accident - I would only need to do that if something required us to end a shift early; he seemed doubtful that anything would happen but told me about it just in case. Even him needing to wipe off his apron turned into a chance for him to tell me where the spare aprons were kept and became a reminder that wearing an apron at all times was part of the health code.
I was beginning to worry that he wouldn't leave me alone until after our shift was over, and by then, there would be two new sets of eyes to notice me grabbing the note, but luck was in my favor. About fifteen minutes before the end of our shift, a customer spilled their coffee all over his table. I probably would've been the one to clean it up, but he was under the impression that it was somehow our fault. I wished I was joking, but he told us it happened because our cups weren't sturdy enough, so Benji was dealing with it.
The moment he was at the table, I grabbed my note and shoved it into my pocket. The relief I felt was unlike anything. I fixed it. All the panic and uncertainty I'd felt yesterday disappeared.
I started to wipe down the counters for something to do when someone coughed to clear his throat. "Hey, man," I said when I saw Felix.
"Hey."
"What do you want?" I glanced at Benji to make sure he was far enough away. "I can make you something on the house." Benji had told me that I just needed to type in my employee pin, and I could get one free coffee a day. I didn't think it was a problem to use it for someone else's coffee, but I didn't want to take the chance.
"Can I get the usual?"
"It's my first day; I don't know what the usual is."
"Right. Right, right, right."
He still didn't give me his order. "You good?" I asked uncertainly.
"Yeah. Totally."
"So… what do you want?"
"Can I get an americano with cinnamon?"
"On it." It only took me a minute to make; it was one of the easier drinks to make because I didn't have to worry about milk. I passed it to him, and he took a sip. His eyes widened. "I think you found your calling."
"I just made an americano."
"Yeah, but this is perfect. Sarah tends to make it more bitter. That's why I got the cinnamon." He took another sip and closed his eyes. "I stopped by your apartment this morning. Your mom told me you were working. I didn't know you got the job."
"I take it you don't remember much from last night then?"
"I remember getting to the bus stop. After that, I don't know what's real."
"Why don't you -" I cut myself off as Benji walked over. "How'd it go?"
He made a face. "Being Assistant Manager sucks sometimes," he complained.
"What did he say?" I asked.
"What didn't he say?" He went to the register and typed in a code. It popped open. "I'm comping his drink."
"But he's wrong."
"Yeah, but for my sanity, it's not worth the fight." He pulled out a dollar bill before he looked at me. "I'm trying to decide if I want to count out 323 pennies. The look on his face might make it worth it."
"Probably not. Besides, you'd just have to deal with him longer then."
"That's a good point." He pulled out what he needed and went back to the guy. The customer wasn't even nice about it; I could tell that from here. He took his money and practically stormed out.
"Five more minutes." Benji ran his fingers through his hair. "Sorry. I should probably make working here look like it doesn't suck. Since it's your first day and all."
I snickered. "And Brasstown had so much going for it until you said that."
Benji smiled and turned his attention to Felix. "You look like you're feeling better."
"You saw me last night? I don't remember seeing you at the party."
"I wasn't there. You missed the bus, so I helped Victor get you home."
"So… you got me into my apartment?" Felix's eyes widened and an unmistakable look of panic clouded his expression.
"No. I'm assuming you got into your apartment. Or Victor helped." I was pointedly looking down at the counter as if I was particularly invested in making sure it looked pristinely clean. I wasn't even seeing the counter. I just knew that if Felix knew I saw his apartment, things were gonna get weird, so I was moving the towel in my hand in circles in order to look busy. "Um… okay." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Benji look at me curiously; he decided to drop it. "You're feeling okay?"
"It was a little rough this morning, but someone left Tylenol and water out on my end table, so I feel fine."
Technically, I didn't leave Tylenol out because he'd had an off-brand pain reliever in his bathroom when I went to fill up his water. It didn't feel like a worthy argument to make. "Good! I can't believe you don't remember seeing me."
"Yeah, well…" Felix shifted uncomfortably.
I decided to change the subject. "Does that mean you also don't remember me trapping you in Andrew's jacket?"
"How did you trap me in Andrew's jacket? And why?"
"You wouldn't stop poking me." I let myself sound the slightest bit annoyed before I smiled at him to let him know I wasn't really mad. "So, I tried the sleeves behind your back."
"It was pretty funny," Benji agreed.
We spent a couple of minutes joking about that. I kept watching Felix to make sure he wasn't insulted, but he seemed to find it as comical as we had. Sarah arrived a few minutes later and asked Benji if he could work until whoever was running late got there.
Benji agreed. "See you Monday."
I threw my apron into my locker before I left. Felix followed me out. "I'll walk you home." I wasn't surprised; I figured the whole reason he tracked me to Brasstown was because he needed to talk.
"Cool," I agreed.
"How much did I tell you?" he asked. I guessed we were getting right to it.
"Um… you told me a little about your mom. I don't know if there was more to tell, but you talked about what she's been going through."
He groaned. "I'm really sorry."
I stopped walking. "Why?"
He frowned. "Aren't you… I don't know."
"I don't know what you think I should be, but no. I'm sorry that this is what you've been going through, but you don't need to do this on your own." I glanced at Felix for a moment before I looked back down at the ground. "I didn't have many close friends in Texas. I had people who pretended to be my best friend, but no one that I've ever talked to like we talked last night. I kind of liked it."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I didn't know that I would like it, but it was nice to be able to talk about the deep stuff too."
"No, I mean you expect me to believe you didn't have friends in Texas?"
"I didn't. Not really. The only people I was friends with, we mostly did stuff together. Played basketball or hung out on our phones. I've never talked to anyone the way we talked last night."
"Huh. You came here, and you were so friendly. I just figured… I guess I was scared that you'd find your crew and drop me. It's why I came on so strong."
"You did, but you were also really nice to me. You forgave me when I lost it on you." I put my hands in my pockets, so I would stop fidgeting with them. "You're a good guy. You didn't really tell me much about what happened here. Just that you were bullied in the fifth grade, but I think Creekwood is missing out."
Felix sniffed. I couldn't help my chuckle as I thumped his back. "We're not gonna make this weird."
"I've never been weird. Ever. In my life." He laughed too. "Hey, you dropped something." He scooped up the folded piece of paper that fell out of my pocket. "Who's A? Oh my God. Is this a love note?"
"What? No?" I squeaked.
"Oh. Sincerely, Benji. I think you accidentally took his note." To Felix's credit, he didn't try to read it.
I snatched the note from his hand and stared at it. Even though Felix told me that it was signed from Benji, I still expected to see my handwriting; instead, I saw impeccably neat and tiny handwriting that started with Dear A.
My heart started to pound. Benji saw my note. More than that, he answered me. Did he know? Or did he think that some random person left that note for him? Did I really get away with this?
I knew I couldn't read it right away. I really, really wanted to know what was in it. "I'll, uh, make sure I get it back to him." I felt a little guilty about the lie, but even if Felix had drunkenly opened up about something really big, I didn't feel like I was ready to reciprocate. I thought that I'd be able to tell him someday which was terrifying, but I couldn't give myself more than a maybe. "So, are we cool? You're okay with everything you told me?"
"Yeah, I guess. It's weird because I don't remember, and I feel like I should. It's been my biggest secret for such a long time."
"Tell you what. We'll pretend I don't know. And when you're ready, you can tell me again. And you can tell me whatever you want me to know however you want me to know."
"Can we do that?" he asked uncertainly.
"Why not? Trust me, I get wanting to have control over your story." I decided to change the subject. "So… when you're not getting drunk at stoplight parties, what do you do for fun?"
I was totally unprepared for him to tell me that he was a DJ. We spent the entirety of our walk talking about it. Apparently, he would be performing at Battle of the Bands in a few weeks, and I promised him I'd be there to support him before I went into my apartment.
My mom had about a million questions about how my first day of work went. My dad obviously hadn't told her how late I'd been out. I loved talking to my mom, but part of my brain was in my pocket with that note from Benji. I desperately needed to know if he knew who I was.
I finally had the genius idea of telling her that I needed to shower. I did smell like an assortment of coffee and coffee products. When I got to the bathroom, I turned on the water and pulled the note out of my pocket.
Dear A,
Firstly, thanks for reaching out. Questioning your sexuality can be pretty terrifying, and I'm really glad you decided not to do this alone. I don't know who you are, but I'm here for you.
When I was still figuring my stuff out, I was a complete mess. I knew I was gay, but I didn't want to be, so I kept trying to convince myself that I could be straight… or that I could at least be interested in girls. This is all to say that I get how scary it can be to accept yourself for who you are whether that's gay or bisexual or straight or something else entirely. All I can say is take your time to figure this out, be transparent with the people helping you figure it out, and don't try to force anything that doesn't feel natural. You don't want to leave behind a string of regrets. Trust me.
Since you brought it up, I do remember Simon. I think I remember his story a little differently than you do. Even when I was in middle school, everyone was talking about it. Do you remember that? I just realized I don't actually know how old you are. If you were already in high school when it happened, you could have seen it differently.
I remember being deeply closeted and suddenly being in this position where everyone around me was talking about the gay kid who had been outed. His emails were on creeksecrets at first, and then were being sent around once that post was taken down. I think it's part of the reason I had such a rocky coming out. People talk about things differently when they don't think it matters to you… or maybe saying it doesn't matter is the wrong way to explain it.
When I came out to my parents, my dad asked me why I didn't tell them sooner. I did my best to explain it, but he didn't get it, and I've spent the last six months trying to figure out a better way to word it. This is what I came up with:
Imagine you had a friend who ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every day and then they found out that you are allergic to peanuts, so they have to switch their lunch and stop eating peanut butter in front of you. That's what happened when people found out I'm gay. When I was in the closet, I was hearing their unfiltered opinions, but then I came out and it's like the person who whispered about how Simon's declaration was a plea for attention or the person who thought it was gross how he was flaunting his love on creeksecrets or the person that treated it like it was a joke… they all pretended those words had never been spoken in front of me. They could pretend, but I couldn't. I still remembered the peanut butter sandwiches, and I could never shake the feeling that, even if they weren't being eaten in front of me, they were still being eaten. I knew my parents, my friends, and my classmates were still eating peanut butter when I wasn't around and, even before I came out, I knew that was going to happen.
Before I came out, I was ready for people to know. That didn't mean I was ready for that to mean they were talking about me behind my back instead of to my face.
I don't know if you understand what I mean. It makes sense to me, but I've had a lot of time to wrap my head around it.
I remember how confusing everything was when I realized I was gay. I spent years trying to pretend I was straight or trying to convince myself that I could be happy with a girl. I'm not trying to imply that that's what you're doing with that girl. You could genuinely like her.
Sexuality is a whole spectrum. It doesn't have to be gay or straight. You can be attracted to this girl and still be attracted to guys. You're not going to like this, but you probably need to figure out if you actually like her or if you just want to like her. Don't be so eager to jump into the physical stuff to prove a point to yourself or to others because you'll just end up hurting yourself and her. Take it from someone with experience in that department - it's a long road to forgiving yourself when you betray the trust someone puts in you. I'm still on that road.
As for your first kiss question, I have to admit, I don't know. I had my first kisses pretty young, but I can say that it's when I kissed a guy for the first time that I realized it was possible to feel more, and I started to realize I might be gay. It's almost like all of the kisses that came before it didn't matter. When I kissed a girl, it wasn't horrible. It was something I thought I could do again if I had to, but when I kissed a guy… it was so much more than feeling okay about it. It made me want more.
I know you said you're not trying to come onto me, but I feel like I need to tell you that I have a boyfriend. I still hope you'll write back.
I can't promise that I'll be able to help you with everything. I don't know what it's like to have religious parents, and I dated girls because I didn't want to be gay, not because I wasn't sure. Our stories may be different, but one thing's the same: this can be a terrifying and emotional process.
I didn't have someone in my life I could talk to when I realized I was gay, so if I can give that to you, I'd really like that.
Hang in there. I'm on your side.
Sincerely,
Benji
Somehow, reading the words, "I'm on your side" made me feel about 1000% less alone. I was feeling so many things - relief that he hadn't figured out I left the note behind after my interview debacle, panicked that he was right and I just wanted to like Mia, awestruck by his peanut butter analogy because it was weird but it also made me feel like he understood something that I was still trying to fully comprehend, terrified that I might need to let people help me figure out who I was, excited that I could keep talking to Benji, confused about everything, and strangely at peace.
I read through the note two more times before I jumped in the shower and one more time before I tucked it into a shoebox in my closet.
I didn't know when I would write back to him, but I didn't feel terrible about waiting. I wanted to be able to really focus on my note, and I couldn't do that right now. Soon though, I promised myself. I'd write back soon.