So sorry for the wait. I just started the spring semester at school.

I'm not familiar with law and politics so I may be inaccurate when it comes to the trial, but its fanfic so lets just pretend lol

Chapter 33 The Darkness

Emma knew their relationship had shifted as they descended the rooftop and made it back inside the loft. Regina had emotionally withdrawn from her, not looking her in the eye or even bringing up the heavy conversation they just had. She never even answered Emma's last question. She didn't need to. Emma concluded that between growing up with a mother like Cora and then being in a 16 year long marriage with a man who brutalized her, Regina's self worth was shattered. She didn't see herself as Emma saw her. Beautiful.

It was heartbreaking. She couldn't stop thinking about this long after Regina had gone to sleep. Emma tossed and turned, the woman in the bed across from her occupying her mind. Even after Mary Margaret had come home and gone to bed, her mind was still racing. She sat up in the darkness, in the bed she and Henry shared. She could see the outline of Regina curled up under the blankets. She had gotten used to sleeping beside her, cuddling with her. Regina always seemed to have less nightmares when Emma was there beside her. Her dark stony eyes as she had told her goodnight still flashed in her mind, and Emma didn't want to leave things off like that.

She got up and slowly slid into bed beside her, not daring to touch her in case she startled her. She layed on her side, looking at the outline of her face through the moonlit room.

"Regina…" she whispered, her heart heavy in her chest.

There was no movement, or change in the soft and steady inhale and exhale of her breaths. She didn't stir or show any indication that she was awake. Emma thought how beautiful Regina looked tonight, her eyes sparkling and her smile big and bright. She wished Regina could see herself through her own eyes and see how beautiful she really was. She wished she could kiss Regina like she did up on the roof, before Emma had reminded her of their boundaries. Regina was too afraid to let her in, and Emma could more than understand that. The more time she was spending with her, especially now since she was staying at the loft, Emma started to notice signs of ptsd. Regina was extremely fearful, easily falling into panic attacks, and Emma wondered when it would be a good time to bring this up to her. Maybe it would be a good idea for her to partake in a few sessions from Archie. Regina was emotionally closed off, and Emma guessed it was why she was too afraid to let herself give into her heart. If that kiss meant anything, Emma knew Regina felt the same way she did for her. She just needed time before taking that next step past friendship, and she wasn't going to let her just jump in when she wasn't ready.

"We have all the time in the world," she whispered as a reminder. "Even if I fall in love with you." If Regina heard her she didn't give Emma any indication that she did. The room stood still, no change in her steady breaths. Emma felt a tear making its way down her cheek as she carefully got up and headed back to her own bed.

Their relationship changed as Emma had feared. During the next week Regina seemed to be closed off towards her. She kept to herself, fully throwing herself into work and then after, focused on preparing for her rapidly approaching court day. She wasn't initiating any sort of physical contact, not even as little as a hand hold. Emma wasn't sure if she was upset over Emma's reaction over her kiss, or the fact that she was having a hard time denying her growing feelings.

As the week came to an end, and the trial only three days ahead, Regina grew extremely anxious. Her temper was quick because of it and she seemed to be more closed off than ever. She flinched away from any kind of touch. Her eyes were fearful, and Emma knew she was afraid of the outcome Monday would bring.

It was late into the night, after everyone had gone to bed, when Emma woke up from a restless sleep. She looked over at the bed across from her and realized it was empty. She sat up, looking around the dark room and wondering where Regina had gone.

She got up, and headed down the loft and to her dismay she realized it was empty. She looked towards the door to see Regina's coat and boots missing. She frowned, suddenly concerned for where she had gone. Where would Regina go at this hour?

She slipped on her own boots and red leather jacket and decided to try the roof first. She climbed the set of stairs and pushed open the heavy door, the cold night hair hit her in the face, making her eyes and nose sting. To her relief, the woman she was looking for was sitting on the metal bench and looking out into the town.

She flashed back to the last time they were here. When Regina had boldly kissed her. The last time she had a full interaction with Emma without finding some excuse to walk away. Emma came over to her and sat beside her. Regina's eyes were staring straight, giving no indication that she knew she was there.

"You've barely talked to me since the night we were last up here."

Regina sighed, closing her eyes for a moment and then finally looking at her.

"I know," she whispered. "It's getting hard."

"What is?"

"I…"

She stopped, hesitant to say whatever that was on her mind. Emma gave her a moment, not wanting to push her in case she shut down.

"We can't be friends," she whispered, her words full of grief. Emma's mouth dropped open in shock. She wasn't expecting this.

"Wh… What do you mean?" she stammered, her mouth feeling dry.

"I care about you too much to risk hurting you. I want more, but I don't know if I can give you that after everything I've been through. I can't be friends if all I want to do is kiss you."

"So… What are you saying?" Emma asked, her voice shaking. "After the trial we just go on our way and pretend we don't know each other? What about Henry?"

"We'll arrange something."

"Regina, no! I can't just not be friends with you anymore. I can't lose you."

"It's what's best," she shook her head. "We can't be friends and want more from each other. I can't give you what you want. I don't know if I ever can. It would be cruel to let you believe we could ever be in a relationship." Her voice became hard, her eyes fixated on the town. She was closing herself off and in that moment, Emma knew she lost her. "You were right to remind me of our boundaries after I had kissed you."

This was it. Regina was closing herself off because she was too afraid to open her heart to another. She was too afraid to accept the possibility of a new relationship. Emma was devastated. She couldn't lose her after all this. She cared about her way too much, even if friends would all they ever be.

"Don't worry about me getting hurt," she tried. "I know what I'm getting myself into. If you don't ever want to be with me, then that's fine. Being friends is enough for me."

"Not for me," she whispered, not looking at her. "I'm broken. I'm damaged. I'm not enough. You deserve someone who could love unafraid." Tears welled up in her eyes as Regina finally looked at her and took her hand. The warmth of her palm was a relief in the cold night air. Emma couldn't stop the silent shuddering sobs from racking her body. "How could you move on and find that when I'm in your life? You won't be able to move on if we're friends. I'll be holding you back."

"And you just want me to leave you alone?" she asked through tears. "How is this fair?"

"It's not," she whispered.

They fell into a heavy silence until Emma's sobs subsided and they were both looking out into the town. Their hands had never parted. Emma looked over at her, her face was emotionless, hard against the lights of the town. She didn't shed a single tear. She didn't show an ounce of grief or sorrow for their ending friendship. She was wearing the emotionless mask she had perfected over the years.

"You never answered my question," she said, her voice still heavy from her earlier breakdown.

"What question," she answered, sounding numb.

"Don't you think you're beautiful?"

She was silent for a long time, and Emma thought she wasn't going to answer. Regina pulled her hand away and buried them in her lap, trying to calm the sudden slight tremble of her fingers. She wasn't looking at her anymore. Her eyes were darker than the night sky. She had fallen deep into the self loathing Emma had noticed for a long time now.

"No," she answered, getting up without giving Emma a chance to say anything else. She hurried off as if she were afraid to see Emma's devastated reaction.

Regina hated herself. She hated herself for what she had done, for not finding another alternative to protecting Emma's heart… to protecting her own. She knew Emma was devastated. She could still hear the heartbreaking sobs from last night. She had almost given in then, but had only put her defenses up higher. She couldn't let herself fall any further for Emma when she wasn't even sure she could give her more than just friendship. She didn't want to hold Emma back from finding love with someone who wasn't as broken as her. She didn't want to drag Emma down into the darkness of her past; Into the dark self loathing that had weighed her down for as long as she could remember. She didn't feel worthy enough to be loved by her. She didn't want Emma falling in love with her.

She was exhausted after a sleepless night, but forced herself to go through the motions of getting Henry to school and then meeting up with Katherine at Grannies to go over some last minute details for Monday's trial. She was getting more and more nervous now that it was near. Emma had gone to work with barely any words exchanged between them. She had ended their friendship to keep Emma from falling in love with her and she had only hurt her. She was disgusted with herself. She was so lost in her dark headspace that she barely even noticed Katherine approaching the booth and sitting across from her. She must have missed her greeting because Katherine was suddenly reaching across the table to take her hand. She snapped her attention to her concerned friend.

"Are you ok?" Katherine asked, frowning in concern.

Regina shook her head.

"Let's just get this over with," she sighed.

Katherine nodded, pulling out files from her briefcase and laying them out on the table.

"Let's just review the evidence one more time," she suggested.

Regina listened as she reviewed them one by one. The tampered documents from the station compared to the incident intake forms of the hospital, the box of documents they found from Leopold's secret vault, along with the key and pictures of the tunnels in the mausoleum. The medical records and rape kit results Dr. Roe supplied them with. The recording Emma obtained in the office of Leopold beating her along with all the photos they had taken of her injuries. Those were hard to look at. Katherine was confident that they had a good case and going though the evidence made Regina feel just a bit better.

Katherine was aiming to charge him with domestic physical and sexual assault, illegal marriage of a minor, tampering and falsification with official documents, illegal procurement of adoption, and for the court to reopen Sheriff Flynn's disappearance case and her own case to clear her of all past charges.

"There's one more charge we can get him with," Katherine said when they were done. She picked up the medical files and flipped to one of the reports and handed it to Regina. She looked over it and her heart plummeted when she saw it was the forms from the night of her miscarriage.

"The death of your baby," she whispered, her eyes full of grief.

"I could bring justice for her?" she asked, unable to say her name out loud. Katherine nodded solemnly.

"It's going to come up in court, are you ok with that? People are going to know."

"No, but it's what's needed," she replied, her tone suddenly hard. Katherine nodded, took some notes and rearranged some files.

"I think we're all set for Monday. How do you feel?" Katherine asked.

Regina shrugged, took a sip of her coffee and tried to steady the sudden tremble of her hands. She was nervous, but she was also terrified of what might happen. This trial could either go smoothly or can turn south real quick. Leopold was a very powerful man with powerful connections.

"What happens if he wins?" she asked.

"That's not going to happen," Katherine stated determinedly.

"Katherine, please…"

Her friend let out a heavy defeated sigh.

"You go to prison for the charges from the night of the accident, and for assaulting Leopold. He's not aiming to get you back anymore, he wants you to pay. He's reopening his lawsuit."

"I want Emma to have full custody of Henry if that happens. Whatever happens to me, Henry will not be going back to him."

"I'll see to it," she nodded, not arguing. She started packing up her files, getting ready to leave. Regina couldn't help but go back to the dark thoughts swirling in her mind before Katherine had showed up. She was about to go to work, and Emma wasn't meeting her for lunch this time. Her impending absence absolutely killed her.

"Can I talk to you about something?" Regina asked, desperately needing advice from her oldest friend. Katherine stopped and looked at her, her blue eyes full of concern.

"Of course," she assured her.

"Emma has feelings for me."

"I know," she smiled and Regina frowned. "I can see it in the way she looks at you. And I could see it in the way you look at her too. You look at her like… like you looked at Daniel."

Something within fluttered at the mention of her lost love. Something like hope. Emma awoke something inside her that she thought was long gone. Hope for the future. She suddenly felt sick for what she had done.

"But I can't give her what she wants. Wouldn't it be cruel to be friends and lead her to believe there could ever be anything more between us?"

"I think Emma cares about you regardless whether you're just friends or in a relationship."

"Wouldn't I just hold her back from moving on if we're friends?"

"I think Emma should decide that."

Regina grew quiet with guilt, and Katherine must have immediately picked up on her shift in mood, because she was reaching across the table and taking her hands.

"Don't be afraid to love her," she said so tenderly. Regina felt a burst of emotion within, threatening to come out as a sob. She pushed it down, but couldn't stop the stray tear from rolling down her cheek. She quickly pulled a hand back to wipe it away. She couldn't drag Emma into the darkness with her. She couldn't let Emma get hurt because she was a coward.

She stood and grabbed her coat, unable to look at her. Katherine was watching her with worried blue eyes as she easily slipped into her emotionless mask. Her eyes grew hard, and the grief on her face turned to ice.

"Thank you," she nodded, her tone as professional as ever as she swallowed the guilt that had gripped its ugly talons into her heart. "I'll see you on Monday."

All through work, Regina couldn't stop thinking about what Katherine had said. The guilt since breaking Emma's heart has been eating away at her. She couldn't see a way that Emma could be happy if she was in her life, a constant reminder of what she would never have. She couldn't have Emma being her own reminder of her own fear. But then, what if Katherine was right… In fact she was right. It was for Emma to decide, but she was too stubborn to admit it. She was afraid of falling deeper for Emma as time went on because how could Emma love someone as broken as her… As worthless.

She avoided going home, spending long hours doing work that could have waited. The sun had gone down by the time she decided to finally return to the loft. An old fear crept up on her as she ascended the steps. Going home late was something she never dared to do with Leopold. She had texted Emma that she was staying late and had received a short response. Maybe Emma was angry, and she shuddered at the idea as she unlocked the door. It was ridiculous, but her mind easily slipped into her fear. They were having dinner when she entered. She didn't make eye contact as she slipped off her boots and coat and headed for the steps.

She returned their greetings, her eyes flicking nervously to them and then back to her goal. The safety of the loft. She rushed up the stairs and didn't breathe until she was behind closed doors of the room she shared with Emma and Henry. She couldn't explain why she was letting her fears get the best of her, but they left her terrified and breathless.

She could hear them downstairs talking along with the sound of silverware clinging on plates as she changed into her pajamas. David was having dinner with them and it only made her irrational fear even stronger. She wasn't planning on leaving this room, even for food.

She curled up in bed, trying to calm the pounding in her chest. She felt as if she were suffocating. She tried to reason with herself that being afraid of Emma for staying at work so late was silly, that Emma would never do anything to hurt her. She wasn't Leopold. She wasn't sure how long she was curled up under the covers trying to breathe through her sudden panic attack until there was a sudden soft knock on the door. She jumped, a rush of fear washed over her. She couldn't seem to answer and just buried her face into her pillow to hide her tears.

The door opened and she let out a soft whimper.

"Regina?" Emma whispered, coming inside and closing the door behind her. She sat on the edge of the bed, looking at her with worried green eyes. "What's wrong?"

"I upset you," she whispered, wiping her tears. Emma frowned in confusion.

"Why do you believe that?" she asked, her voice soft as if she were afraid of frightening her even further. Regina sat up, leaning against the headboard and hugging her knees.

"I'm sorry I came home so late."

Emma just stared at her as if she couldn't understand what she was apologizing for. She started to get nervous and averted her eyes.

"Why are you apologizing for that?"

"He…" Suddenly the cause of her panic attack seemed so silly and she felt her cheeks grow hot. "He would always be angry with me for being late. I just panicked. I thought you'd be angry too"

Emma reached out, gently caressing her cheek and coaxing her to look at her. Her thumb rubbed soothing circles on her skin. Regina finally looked at her and saw a hint of fear in her eyes. She couldn't understand why.

"I would never be angry at you for coming home late," she said, her voice shaking. "I could never be angry enough to hurt you, do you understand that? Regardless if we are friends or not."

The word friends brought back her guilt, and with it came shame that trickled into a deep self loathing for the selfish way she had treated Emma. Regina nodded, suddenly not wanting to be touched anymore and pulled her face away. Emma's hand fell to her lap. She could feel herself shutting down, her eyes becoming dark and the fear on her face being masked. Emma frowned, immediately seeing the change in her expression.

Katherine had said she was afraid to love. She used the excuse of Emma needing to move on as a way to push her away. She broke off their friendship because she was terrified of falling in love with Emma Swan.

"Leave me, please."

"Regina…"

"I said leave!" she suddenly snapped so harshly Emma flinched back in shock. She stood, the shock turning just as hard as Regina's demeanor.

"Fine," she said, her tone clipped with frustration. She headed for the door, and just before she left, she turned to look at her once more. Regina didn't let the hurt in her green eyes tear down her walls.

"Today I found a house to rent. I can't stay here if my presence makes you uncomfortable. You know Mary Margaret welcomed you and Henry to stay for as long as you need and I'd rather be the one to move so that you can get back on your feet. I'll be out by this weekend."

The trial was after this weekend, and that meant she would be alone. But that's what she wanted right? She was devastated. Emma was actually doing what she wanted, leaving her, but all it did was leave a bigger hole in her heart.

By Sunday Emma had packed up what little she had and loaded her yellow bug. The house she was renting was furnished and all she had to do was move in her personal items which only took up a few boxes. She was reluctant to leave, especially at the disheartened look on Henry's face before she drove away. She and Regina agreed to alternate weekends and Emma would be in charge of picking him up from school a few times out of the week and spending time with him. Compared to how protective of him she was in the beginning, Regina was amazingly compliant. She knew it was never her intention to keep Henry apart from her.

Regina had been quiet, had fallen deep inside of herself, that Emma wasn't sure what to say to help pull her out. She had been avoiding Emma until the very last second just as she was finally leaving the loft with the last of her belongings. She followed Emma out into the hall, stopping her in her tracks before she could go down the stairs.

"I'm sorry," she had whispered, her dark eyes full of grief and Emma didn't have it in her to be angry for how she had torn up their friendship as if it meant nothing. Regina meant it, Emma could see it in the tremble of her hands and in the anguish on her face.

"Don't beat yourself up over it," she had replied bitterly, unable to help the hurt seeping through in her tone. She turned away with her box, not wanting Regina to see the tears from streaming down her cheeks. They haven't spoken since. Monday came and with it came a gloomy cloudiness that reflected the solemness of the imminent trial. Emma was nervous for Regina; Terrified of the worst happening no matter how hard she tried to have hope that everything will work out.

She met Regina, Katherine, and Mary Margaret outside of the courthouse. Henry was spending the day with David. Regina didn't want him hearing all of the gruesome details that were going to come up about both of his parents.

Katherine seemed to be prepping Regina as Emma approached them. She was focused on whatever Katherine was telling her until she looked up and looked at Emma with a kind of relief in her eyes that seemed to calm the tension in her shoulders. She was happy to see her after a night apart.

"Can we have a moment?" Emma asked.

"I'll meet you inside," Katherine said to Regina, reaching out and squeezing her shoulder in reassurance. "You got this, ok?" Regina nodded, giving her a small smile and watched as she and Mary Margaret headed inside.

"Look, I know you made up your mind about not being friends, but I want to be there for you during this trial. I don't want you to have to go through this alone."

Regina gave her small nod, accepting her gesture. Something was different about her. She wasn't so distant like she had been since the night on the roof. She seemed lighter somehow. Her emotions weren't masked away and Emma could see the hurt in her dark eyes for what she had done.

"I never meant you hurt you," she said, wrapping her arms around herself nervously.

"I know you didn't," Emma assured her. "I know you're just trying to protect me, but I also think you're trying to protect yourself. I know it seems impossible to be in any kind of relationship after all the horrible things you've been through, and if you can't ever give me that, I would never push you. Being friends is enough for me. You are enough for me."

Regina's eyes shined at those words. Her lower lip trembled and for a moment Emma thought she might just cry, but then she pulled herself together, blinking the tears away and taking a deep breath.

"Let's get through this first day and then how about we get a drink tonight?"

"You want to talk?" Emma asked, her heart jumping with hope. Regina nodded, giving her a small hesitant smile and then took her hand in hers.

"I may have let my fears get the best of me," she admitted, unable to look her in the eye. "I want to start over as friends, if you're ok with that?"

"What changed your mind?" Emma asked.

"Katherine told me I was afraid to love you," she whispered, her cheeks reddening as she finally looked at her with a deep sincerity in her eyes. Emma's mouth fell open in shock for a moment. "I realized I was pushing you away, especially last night, when you were gone. I thought I was protecting you, and instead…"

A sob finally escaped her lips this time, and Emma was quick to comfort her. She gently coaxed her into her arms, holding her for as long as she needed. Relief washed over her heart like a soothing balm. Relief that Regina was once again giving her a chance. This time, she was giving her a chance to hold her heart in her palms, and she silently vowed to never ever break it.