Disordered

Mount Justice: 5:21pm, October 23rd, 2010:

P.O.V Change: Matthew Spectre

Silence. That is what reigns within this room. No one here is in a good mood. Good being objective. The training exercise failed spectacularly. A simple exercise, simple...failed, and now we face the consequences of its failure. M'gann is most affected. My senses have been bombarded with guilt, sadness, despair and self loathing. Most of that comes from M'gann. I stand against the wall as I gaze at everyone. Robin is sitting on the couch. A pondered look and feeling of self doubt etches from him. Wally is at the counter, playing with a candy wrapper. He's trying to get his mind off it. Kaldur is leaning on the counter, facing away from everyone, his feelings are filled with sadness and regret. Artemis is leaning on the couch near me. She is shaken by the experience. Something happened after her 'death' that she won't tell to the group. M'gann is trying to distract herself with baking but even that is unable to break her from her self loathing. Blake is sitting on the floor with his head in his hands. I haven't spoke to him but I can feel his despair. We hear doors opening as Connor comes barging through. Feelings of anger, self doubt and guilt are coursing through him, he walks past everyone and continues to the hanger. The doors open again as we look and see Black Canary standing there. "Artemis." She says. Artemis perks her head up and follows Canary. I get up and leave the common area and head to the gym. I need to let off some steam.

I get it gym and being laying soft punches agaisnt the pillar. Flashes go off in my head. The League's death, Wolf's death. My punches get harder as I grit my teeth. Artemis's death. M'gann's scream, Wally's rage. The force of my punches get stronger and stronger as the pillar begins rattling and cracking. Black Bolt's sacrifice, the deaths of the soldiers and Kaldur. Manhunter's questions, my apathy. The punches get stronger as I start raging at the pillar. Manhunter's death, Robin's, Wally's... M'gann's...by my hand. I scream in anger as I punch the pillar for the last time as a flamed coated fist breaks it onto four pieces and a heap of shards. I breath heavy as I sit on a bench. "Matthew?" Zarathos says to me as I just shake my head. "Not now, Zarathos. Just leave me alone." I say as I feel him tell himself, giving me some space. The doors open and Canary standing in the doorway. She's looking at the rubble and turns back to me. "I'm coming." I say to her as she nods. I wipe off any sweat and make my way into Canary's therapy room. The room is tranquil, quiet...peaceful. Haven't felt that in a long time...and today is not where I'm going to start. I sit in the green chair as canary sits in front of me.

"Care to share any thoughts before we start?" She asks softly as I sit perfectly still. "No." I reply as she leans forward. "Matt, I know that this is difficult. Opening up to your pain will go a long way in helping...talk to me. Tell me about your experience?" She says as I stare at her. "I watched my friends die...and I didn't care." I say, trying to keep my voice as even as possible. "Felt nothing? Do you want to elaborate on that?" She asks as I look down in shame. "Being the Rider, you see a lot of bed shit. What people are willing to do to one another. I thought that I was above that, that I could exterminate that...but I'm no better than them." I say softly as I look at my hands. I see blood just ooze out if them. Blood of my friends. Blake, Robin, Wally... M'gann. "I'm trying to understand. How are you no better?" She asks as I look up. "Zarathos might have been in control but what he feels, I feel. And what I feel, he feels. I felt that the mission wasn't real, until M'gann took control, I forgot but I still felt like nothing was real in a sense. I told Blake to sacrifice himself, for the greater good. I sent my friend to his death because I was too much of a forward to do it myself. I killed M'gann...I knew that I had to shock her out of the reality...but the ease that I had doing it...I killed her with such little effort. It scares me...just how little I care about my friends. I feel like...a monster." I say as I hang my head in my hands. "I have no idea what you could be going through. But you're not a monster. A monster wouldn't care about anyone but himself. A monster wouldn't be feeling guilty for his actions. You do, Matt. You feel guilty about how you conducted yourself. You feel fear at the prospect of hurting your friends. You care about them...a monster wouldn't." She says a so look up and wipe a tear from my eye. "You are a brave and caring man, Matt. You have the strength to pull through this...I think that we had a good session. If you want to talk about it more...just ask." She says as I nod and head to the door. Beige I leave, I look back at her. "How's Artemis?" I ask her. "That's not a question that you should be asking me." She says as I nod and walk out.

I enter the common room and approach Wally. "Where's Artemis?" I ask him. "She went to the zeta hanger." He was about to say something more but I walk past him and continue on. I enter the hanger and see Batman, Shazam and Manhunter standing and watching the others via computer screen. "Maybe, instead of watching like some creeps, you can go to them and actually help them." I say in passing as I put Gotham's coordinates into the zeta. "Recongize. Ghost Rider. B-07." I step out of the old phone booth and make my way out to the street. I reach out with my senses and find her at a nearby cafe. I walk down the street and find the cafe, I scan the tables and find the lone blonde near the back. I walk over and stand before her, she looks up at me as I gesture to the opposite seat. "May I?" I ask respectfully, it's nice to ask if you can sit, don't know if she wants to be alone or not. "Yeah." She says quietly as I sit across from her. Silence is all that crosses between us. The awkwardness is awful but I steel my nerves. "How are you?" I ask aimlessly as she shrugs. "Good as anyone, I suppose." She says sadly as I nod in understanding. "Canary?" I ask her as she looks up at me. "Went...fine, I guess." She replies after a moment. "What about you?" She asks me as I nod. "Helped me...it's...hard to grasp and understand but she helped me get past my guilt. It's still there, probably there forever but I've come to accept you...how about you?" I ask her, basically the same question before but I hope that with my explanation, she'll reach out. "I tried to play it off, saying that I was coma girl, missed out everything. I said that I didn't need the shrink rap. She just said that I was too tough to admit that I need help." She says as I nod. "You do. We all do." I say as she nods. "I get that...but...it's just...hard for me." She says as I nod in understanding. Being raised by Sportsmaster couldn't have been having easy about explaining your feelings. It's why she is confrontational, better to face something head on rather than sit down and talk. I know that feeling, better than most. But having this spirit in my head for 5 years has destroyed that. I notice Artemis shifting about, almost nervously. "Anything else?" I ask. "She told me that it's not a weakness to open up to my friends. I told her that I know that but she said that I keep secrets from them." She says as I lean forward. "I got upset and it just got to me. I feared she was going to tell them." She says a so reach over and hold her hand comfortingly. "No one is going too, and no one is going to force you. This is your secret, you decide how to handle it." I say as she looks up at me.

"Why aren't you telling me to just tell them? Get it over with. You know, so what's really stopping you?" She asks as I sigh. "Reading souls means that no one has any true secrets, at least not any that I can't find out. I know the true identities of most of the Justice League. I know many of the darkest secrets that people have. I know your secret...but no one's secret is mine to tell." I say to her as she nods her head. "I have secrets, secrets that I don't want anyone to know...so I'm not going to tell you to tell your secrets because that's hypocritical of me. But what I am going to tell you is that your true identity...it's yours to do what you wish. How you wish to tell them and at what time is completely up to you...and if the day comes when you tell them, I'll back you up, all the way." I say as she nods and wipes a tear away. "Thank you." She says as I nod. "We might not have started on the right foot...but you're my friend Artemis, and I'm here for you." I say, the irony at the double meaning is not lost on me.

She nods as she fiddles with a napkin. "Can you...tell me how the others reacted to my...death? Please?" She asked as I nod. "M'gann was the most distraught...obviously...but the most vocal was Wally." I say as her head perks up. "Not kidding, he was the most wrathful, he wanted to make the 'aliens' pay. I've never seen him like that." I say to her as she shakes her head with a smile. "Nice to know he cares." She says. "You guys may fight...most of the time but you are still teammates and friends...and to be honest...might be something else." I say as she looks up at me. "I sensed your feelings spike when I mentioned Wally." I say obviously as she shakes her head. "He would never go for me." She says as I playfully slap her on the forehead. "Oww. What was that for?" She stares at me bewildered while running her head. "It was a stupid statement, especially after what I just told you." I say while chuckling. She smiles back before joining in on the chuckling. "Wally is...difficult to handle. Especially because he's an attention seeking idiot." I state as she nods while laughing. "But he does have his perks. He's loyal. That's the first thing that I really noticed about him. He's not someone that takes betrayal well, look at what happened with Kaldur and me. But most of all, the guy has a heart. He might joke and laugh but when it comes down to it, he's one of the guys who would reach further and beyond for his friends. He will never back down from adversary." I say to her. She nods in agreement. "I still think he won't go for me." She says as I remember something. "You remember our bet?" I say to her as she stares horrified. "No, we were joking...weren't we?" She says as I shake my head. She smacks her head on the table as I laugh. "Come on, let's go visit your mom." I say as I get up, Artemis gets up to follow me. "Answer me honesty. Do you think I should tell the team?" She asks as we walk down the street. "I honesty believe that it's not up to me. Your secret is just that, yours. I'm not going to force you to do something that you don't feel comfortable with." I say to her as she stops me and gives me a hug. I wrap my arms around after a moment. Artemis had never been emotional, per say. So to see this, it's an eye opener. "Thank you." She says as we continue on. As we get closer to the apartment building, I feel a familiar presence a so look up and see Jade standing on a fire escape. I look at Artemis who doesn't seem to notice, I glance back and see the Jade is gone. I look around discreetly and see no sign of her. I shake my head and continue following Artemis.

Paula Crock's Apartment:

"Hey, Mom. I'm home." Artemis calls out as we enter the flat. "Back here, love." She says as we walk and enter Artemis's room. The room is technically a shared room. I notice a single, neatly made bed with an Alice in Wonderland poster above. I walk over to the bed and focus on the Cheshire Cat. "Artemis, and...Matt? This is a surprise. I didn't expect you here." Paula says as she wheels from the conjoined bathroom. "Mom. What were you doing in my bathroom?" Artemis asks as I notice the pregnancy test in Paula's hand. "The fuck you been up to?" I say as she looks back at me confused. I point out the test in Paula's hand. Artemis turns wide eyed. "Mom! What the hell?" She exclaims as I start chuckling under my breath. "I don't know. I thought I heard something, so I checked all the rooms, incase of an intruder. I found this in the bathroom. Something you want to tell me?" She says as Artemis stutters and looks back and forth between me and Paula. "Mom! I'm 15 for God's sake. I've never had sex!" She shouts as I just start cackling, holding my stomach in pain. "I can't deal with this, I'm going for a walk." She says as she walks out of the room. I reach out and sense her leave the flat and enter the elevator. I stand up, all sign of laughter gone from my face. "Jade was here." I state simply as I turn to Paula. She sighs as she holds the test. "Yes...it's negative by the way." She says as I nod. "She came here because she felt scared. She was in Gotham and she missed her period. She came to me, I felt relieved and frightened at seeing her. I was ecstatic of seeing my girl again. But distraught over her worry. She took the test and while we waited, I asked her what was wrong. Why was she so scared? She told me that if she's pregnant, the Shadows will take her child away. She was so scared that I held her for the first time in 10 years." She says as I kneel down. "You two don't use protection?" She asks. "How did you?" I ask questioningly. "A mother's intuition...also, Jade told me." She says as I chuckle and shake my head, no. "No, we don't." I say as I take the test from her. "Aren't you worried about...what could happen?" She asks as I put the test of the chested draws. "No...please understand, Paula. Technically, I'm dead." I say to her which makes her eyes go wide. "The Rider brought me back...that comes with consequences... I'm sterile." I say as she looks surprised. "Oh...I'm sorry." She says but I wave her off. "You can't have children...did you ever plan on...?" She asks as I shake my head. "I was 14 when I became the Ghost Rider. Children were never in the fore front of my mind." I say as I sit on Artemis's bed. Paula wheels over to me and holds my hand. "I think you would have been a good father if you ever did have children." She says as I nod in thanks. I hear someone coming but her presence is second nature to me. "Jade." I say as I look to the window, and low and behold. She opens the window and enters the room. She sits on her bed as she flattens her creases, awkward silence just reigns within the room. "You heard?" I asked as she nods. "If you want me to pull you out of the Shadows, I will. Give me a location and I will bathe it in Hellfire." I say as she shakes her head. "No, we are close to our breakthrough. Thank you for the offer, though. But the reason that I'm here is not only for the test but the Shadows as well. Ra's is meeting with someone, someone young I believe and taking him to the lower levels of the compound. I don't know what's down there and kept possibly due to its tight security, I do to want to know." She says. "Someone young? Got a name or face?" I ask as she shakes her head. "No, but his voice was very loud and annoying. I heard a cat meowing as well." She says which makes me perk up. I bring out an audio that Artemis shared with me after the Tower of Fate fiasco. "You put that on, you may never get it off." The voice sounds as both Jade and Paula shiver at the voice. "That's it. That's the voice that I heard in the compound." She says as I curse under my breath. "It's Klarion. A Lord of Chaos." I say which makes both of them raise an eyebrow. "He's a magical being of primordial origin. He's the ultimate enemy and equal to Doctor Fate." I say as they widen their eyes in fear. Fate is no pushover and is considered one of the most powerful beings in the world, and to hear that Klarion is more than a match for the Lord of Order, sends bone chilling shivers down Jade and Paula's backs. "What is he doing with the Shadows then?" Jade asks. "I don't know. It's possible that Ra's offered something to him but I doubt it...worst case is that Klarion is actually working with the same group that Ra's is working with. Klarion could even be a member. I'll have to report this to Batman, this is vital." I say as I look at both of them. "What? What does that mean?" Paula asks as I smile at her. "It means that Jade might be in the clear. She presented two members of this organisation, a possible third and had confirmed Klarion to be in correspondence to Ra's. This is some serious evidence and if it works, Jade will get that clean slate." I say as Paula cries to high heavens as Jade smiles. Paula wheels over and hugs Jade, who awakardly returns it but eventually gives in. "This is great. This is perfect." Paula says as I smile and stand up. Both women look at me as I nod to them. "I'll leave you both in peace. You deserve this moment. Both of you. I'm going to find Artemis and head back to base." I say as they nod to me thankfully. As I leave, Paula holds my hand. "Thank you, thank you." She says with tears in her eyes as I nod. "No worries."

I leave the apartment block. I find Artemis who is back at the cafe, eating a pie to herself. "Stress eating? This is a new low." I say as she glares at me. "It's not funny. Nothing about that was funny." She says as she hangs her head on the table. "I wouldn't worry about it to much, Paula told me that it's negative. But you'll have to go home and talk to her anyway." I say as she look up. "What's that suppose to mean?" She asks as a smug smile adornes my face. "Well...you're a beautiful young woman, you're getting to that age. You do know of the 'Talk', right?" I ask as she blushed in embarrassment. "I'm out. Not having this conversation with you." She says, she gets up and walks away. I laugh as she makes her escape.

Matthew Spectre's Apartment:

Entering my home is both lifting and sad for me. Seeing the living picked clean is nice but memories of Mom and Luna always make their way back. The messiness, the cot, the rubbish. It was disgusting but it felt like home. This is home but...not the same, I guess. It's just the memories really, I want to forget them but I dread doing so. They are a part of me, and it hurts to remember. I shake my head and set up the computer and sound proofing. "Rider to Batman. Access. 9-3-1-7." I say as the sound proofing seals and the computer bings to lift. Batman's image appears on the hologram. "Rider. Report?" He asks as I lean against the chair. "I came from a meet with the informat. They decree that the Witch Boy is meeting with the Shadow." I say to him as she leans back and hmms. "You positive that the information is accurate?" He asks as I nod. "The informat has delivered information on Baldy and the Dictator. I'm positive that the information is accurate." I say to him as he nods. "What has the informat said about the Witch Boy's involvement?" He also as I shrug. "Not much but has told of the Shadow escorting the Witch Boy to the lower levels of the base. Security is very tight. Informat believes that it's very important for the level of secrecy." I say back to him as he nods. "Inform the informant that this information is satisfactory." He says as he cuts the feed. I shut down the computer and disable the sound proofing. I walk over to fridge and take out the ingredients for dinner. Lamb chops with a side of pasta salad and veggies. Delicious. The information that Jade presented is very vital, Batman might not have shown it but knowing him like I do...he was impressed. I cook the lamb and viola. Dinner is served. I sit at the table and before I start eating, I sense a presence in my room. I drop the fork and turn to see Jade standing behind me, within the room's doorway.

"Hey." I say to her as she walk over and sits opposite me. She takes my plate and starts eating. "Hmm. This is good." She says as I look at her. "Better be. Made it myself." I say as she laughs. "I'm sorry, I didn't tell you." She says, she looks up at me. "About the test?" I ask as she nods. "No. It's mine. I should have explained my situation more so with you. If it's anyone's fault. It's mine." I say to her as she nods. "I was really scared. I'm nineteen, I don't know how to raise a child and it...scared me, the thought that if I was pregnant...they would take them from me." She says as I walk over to her. I kneel down and hold her comfortingly. "It's ok to be scared." I say to her but she scoffs and wipes a tear away. "I know...but honestly...I don't want to be scared. Why should I have to be?" She asks as I caress her cheek. She turns her head towards me. "Because it's normal." I say softy to her. The simple statement is all that is necessary because that is what she wants. What she must desires out of life. To not worry about anything. To live peacefully. To be...normal. Our eyes stare into each other as I kiss her. Every other time is always full of passion and just a lust for each other...but this...this is not the same. I feel every emotion form both of us. I feel her happiness, her fondness, her fear, her hope. Everything. I'm no different. She stands as I pick her up and carry her to the room. I lay her on the bed as I stare lovingly into her eyes. My own eyes are reflected, literally and figuratively from her own. I caress my hand across her cheek. She leans up and kisses me. Our clothes are torn off as our passion takes over.

Later:

Our lovemaking, that is what it was, ends as I spoon her from behind. She graces her hand across my forearm as I leave little kisses along the back of her neck. "Answer me honestly...what do you feel for me?" She ask as I sigh. "We've already had this discussion, remember?" I say but she turns around and looks at me. "Something has changed. I've felt it and I know you have too." She says as I gaze I to her dark eyes. I sigh in defeat. "Yes...something has. This relationship was always just a partnership...with some perks." I say which makes her chuckle and smile. "But, with the months of us talking, of our partnership and the meets. I am starting to feel something more than just physical attraction. I became worried about you, you were going in deep with your mission and it scared me...I had feelings of dread that I might never see you again. I feel happy when I'm with you. Like, the world doesn't owe me anything...and it's just the two of us...together. I...feel...at peace." I say as she reaches up and wipes a tear forming around my eye. "I always thought I wouldn't be able to find happiness. I thought my life was just one day after the next. Always scrounging to survive...but you have given me hope that I can be better. You have helped me to try and be better." She says to me as she straddles me and leans her lips forward down to hover over mine. "What is this, what is this feeling?" She asks softly. I feel her hope and fear of the question. I reach up and roll her onto her back. She gasps as I lean down and hover my lips against hers. "I have an idea...but let's find out... together." I say as she smiles and starts tearing up. "Good...because I'm not letting you go anything soon. Spent to much time trying to get into my bed." She says as I laugh and lean down to kiss her, sending all my emotions and feelings for her across. She wraps her arms and legs around me. I leave her lips as I lean down and leave kisses along her neck. She moans as I continue downward.

Next morning:

I wake up to see that Jade is still here. I smile as I grace my hand down her arm and hip. She moans softly as she turns to face me. "Morning, beautiful." I say lovingly as she smiles and leaves a kiss on my lips. "Morning to you, too." She covers my hand with her own as I interlock them. "I have to go soon. And I reckon that you have to too." I say to her but she playfully pouts. "Five more minutes?" She says, giving me puppy eyes. I can't say no to that face. I sigh in defeat as she smiles and snuggles up to me. "Things I do." I say aloud as she laughs. "Suck it up. You know you love it." She says as I smile. Yeah...she's not lying.

Mount Justice: 9:24am, October 24th, 2010

I exit the zeta tube and see everyone gathered around Sphere. "Yo. What's up?" I ask them as M'gann turns to me. "Connor, Wolf and Sphere went out yesterday. Apparently Sphere is living technology from the planet New Genesis." She says as Robin follows up. "And she can turn into a flying futuristic motorcycle." He says as Sphere beeps. "Is that so?" I say as I look at Sphere greedily. I hear Connor coming. "You have your own bike. Keep your hands to yourself." He says jokingly as I put my hands up. "Alright, alright. Hands off Sphere. Got it." I say as everyone laughs. I might how originally thought that hero business wasn't for me. I still think it's not...but these people are my family. My brothers...sisters. I'll protect them with everything that I have...everything.