Prologue: Why did I come here? (A Diversion)
"What did you say?!"
"You heard me, Rits. I'll be taking care of Shinji. Don't worry, I've already gotten clearance from the higher-ups. And besides, it's not like I'm gonna 'put the moves' on a kid."
"OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?! YOU'RE ALWAYS LIKE THAT. HONESTLY!…"
Misato had to hold the phone away from her as Ritsuko went off on her, just so she wouldn't have permanent hearing loss in one ear.
"She never could take a joke…"
The mood in the car was awkward as it sped through the tunnel like a certain blue hedgehog. It carried two people, and the only noise coming out of it was from its motor.
On the passenger's side was Shinji Ikari, a meek 14-year-old schoolboy who had the misfortune of being chosen by the Marduk Institute as the pilot for Evangelion Unit-01. Any reasonable person would tell you that somebody of his temperament was probably not the right person for the stressful job of piloting a gigantic humanoid war machine. And yet here he was, being sent out in the Eva by Nerv to carry out the organization's task of defending humanity from the mysterious, destructive creatures known as Angels.
On the driver's side was Captain Misato Katsuragi, Nerv Operations Director and Shinji's new legal guardian. When Shinji had been summoned to Nerv HQ in Tokyo-3 by his father, Misato was tasked with picking him up and delivering him there. And not a moment too soon either, as the Angel that showed up later that day must have decided it would be a perfect time to go on a rampage in the city.
When the time came for Shinji to get in the Eva, Misato got to witness firsthand the bad blood that had developed between him and his father, Commander Gendou Ikari. When he was only three years old, Gendou had sent him away to live with an old teacher of his, effectively abandoning him. This arrangement lasted for all of the eleven years up until his summons. Thinking about it some, Misato couldn't really blame him for reacting the way he did. Anyone would be upset if their estranged parent had them sent to what for all they knew was certain death at the hands of some barely known horror. But this was not the time to be running away. Not when all of humanity's lives were at stake. Although Shinji knew he had to face the Angel, his father, and himself, his fears were proving to be a difficult obstacle. It was only through the intervention of an injured fellow pilot about to sortie in his place that he became willing to pilot Unit-01.
Unit-01 emerged triumphant over the Angel, but the victory could be attributed more closely to the Eva itself rather than the pilot. In all honesty, Shinji probably would've been killed had his Eva not decided to go berserk and brutally retaliate on its own. And then, as he was being extracted from his entry plug, he passed out from shock upon seeing it regenerate its lost eye, necessitating a short stay in the hospital.
Shinji had been through a lot in the past day and a half, and chances were it would only get harder on him from there. "And to think he was planning to live by himself on top of all that… Nobody should have to bear such a burden," Misato thought to herself. Plus, as somebody who also had a poor relationship with her father growing up, she could see some of herself in Shinji too. Knowing those things, she had to step in and do something. Having him live with her was a start, and it killed two birds with one stone; she could more readily provide him with badly needed emotional support while also having someone to share apartment-keeping duties with. But at the same time, she knew she couldn't help him forever. She wanted to get him in better shape to face his spectres, but the will to do so had to come from within himself. To that end, he needed something to give him that extra 'push' towards freedom of mind he was ready for. Something to help him help himself.
They needed to stop by the convenience store for dinner anyway, for his welcoming party. Maybe that would have the answer she needed.
"We just need one last thing before we get back on the road," Misato told Shinji as they walked out of the instant foods section. His confusion was understandable; she only said they were getting stuff for dinner. Why were they going to the stationery section? When they got there, Misato examined the various notebooks on display before picking out a small black journal. She needed to choose her next words very carefully so that Shinji wouldn't feel too uncomfortable.
"Here," she said as she picked it up and gave it to him. "This is a little extra something from me to you."
"Uh… A journal?" Shinji asked. "...What would I use it for?"
"Well, erm… Usually, people use them to write about their day-to-day lives. Of course, you don't necessarily have to do that! You could also use it to draw, write poetry, anything you can imagine, really!"
Shinji's expression was one of doubt and a little bit of suspicion. "Um… Okay. Thanks?"
Misato sighed. She was afraid something like this might happen. "I can tell you're not too enthusiastic. I just figured something like this would be …cathartic is all. I know you've got a ton on your mind after everything that's happened. Maybe keeping a journal would help you make better sense of it?"
He remained silent. "I know I can't force you to maintain something like this. But I'd like to do what I can to help you out. Just think about it some more, okay?"
The more he did, the more he concluded it would at least be worth trying. He also didn't really want to waste something she gave him. A small smile crept across his face. "Alright. I'll consider it, Miss Misato."
"You're welcome, Shinji! Now let's pay for this stuff and get out of here."
After a long afternoon and night of sightseeing, moving in, nasty instant food dinner, rock-paper-scissors, and an embarrassing encounter with Pen-Pen the hot springs penguin, it was finally time for Shinji to go to bed. He was having a hard time, though, as his brain was still buzzing from everything that had happened. Not even listening to his trusty SDAT player, one of his favorite pastimes, seemed to be as effective at carrying him off to sleep as it normally was.
"According to the Marduk Report, he's the Third Child."
"Sortie."
"Right now, intercepting the Angel is our top priority."
"No way! How can you do this to me, after all this time?!"
"If you're going to get in the Eva, do it now. If not, then leave!"
"Get in."
"...This is all wrong!"
"Shinji… Why did you come here?"
That last bit, which Misato had asked him, stuck in his mind like a knife.
"Why did you come here?"
"Why did you come here?"
"Why did you come here?"
"I don't know… Why did I come here?" he thought. There was no way he was going to fall asleep soundly if he kept thinking about this. He tried to divert his attention elsewhere. What else could he do to occupy his time until he could doze off?
Suddenly, he remembered. The journal he got from Misato.
"I just figured something like this would be …cathartic is all. I know you've got a ton on your mind after everything that's happened. Maybe keeping a journal would help you make better sense of it?"
"That's right. I still need to write in that journal she gave me." He got it from the side of his bed and opened it, earbuds still in his ears. A blank page, waiting for him to make his mark on it. But what to write?
"Why did you come here?"
"Why did you come here?"
"Why did you come here?"
Misato's question was now ringing like tinnitus in his head. He had to answer it somehow; it demanded him and wouldn't stop. He couldn't run away from it even if he wanted to. And so, almost unconsciously, he wrote on that first page:
Why did I come here?
Now how to follow up on that? "Because Father sent for me?" That couldn't be entirely right. When he first got the letter telling him to come to Nerv, he got angry and started ripping it up. Why should he care what the father who left him behind wanted? There had to be another reason why he went through with it, after having taped the letter back up. "So I could see Miss Misato?" Maybe at first that could've been a reason; she was, after all, very pretty. But it held less water now that he got to see how she lived in squalor in this dump of an apartment. Nothing was making any sense to him. He started falling into despair when at that very moment, he heard David Byrne ask through the SDAT player:
How did I get here?
How did I get here? That ...was certainly an easier question to answer. And he knew quite well that answering with facts was easier than answering with maybes. Easier was good. So for now he would answer this question first, because he could do something with it and get himself tired faster. He tried to figure out where to start, beginning from his new room in Misato's apartment and drifting further and further back…
AUTHOR NOTES:
Thus begins the fic. From this point, Shinji's journal entries will be written in italics, from his perspective rather than that of the narrator. Don't expect "narrator" segments to be as frequent as they are here, as their only purpose will be to provide added context for canon divergences. These will start small and then gradually increase in size as I figure out plausible consequences of Shinji becoming more introspective and making sense of his feelings earlier. For now, however, the first one (or two?) numbered chapters will be more in-depth, mostly canon-compliant recaps of Episodes 1 and 2 from Shinji's perspective, with Episode 1's equivalent journal entry being written retroactively for the day Shinji arrived in Tokyo-3 and Episode 2's equivalent entry being for the day Shinji got out of the hospital and moved in with Misato. I hope you've enjoyed this prologue and that I've gotten you excited. Until next time!
Oh, uh. In case it's not obvious, the song Shinji is listening to here is Once in a Lifetime by Talking Heads. We see him wearing an XTC T-shirt in one episode, so I figured maybe he also liked new wave/post-punk bands. We also never get to learn the full contents of his SDAT tape, so I decided that would be as suitable place as any to take some creative liberties.
EDIT (1/31/2023): Went back through and cleaned up some of my more repetitive or awkward bits of writing. Will be done for the rest of the existing chapters before I publish Chapter 12.