Warning: memories of graphic violence and rape in this chapter.

And I haven't mentioned it in the last few chapters, but you guys are all awesome. I feel so great with every comment, review, like and follower! And I really need those reviews, so keep them coming to me, please!

After this chapter, I need some time to write the next few. Two thirds of the story are done now. Starting on the last third. Thanks for your patience and ongoing support :)

Chapter 14 - In the darkness of her chambers, Rin jerked up...

In the darkness of her chambers, Rin jerked up with a starling cry, staring wide-eyed into the dark room, not seeing, her body drenched in sweat, her heart thumping like mad in her ribcage. Clutching herself, she cried softly, brokenly, chanting the same words over and over again: "Nao, imouto, watashi wo yurushite*, Nao….. Nao."

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The twins sought her out in the dead of night. It seemed too important a discussion to postpone until morning. With soft bare feet they padded over cold flagstones, the chill of night not quite reaching them.

They were dressed as Rin last saw them; Elladan in a dark blue tunic with pants. Elrohir only in pants, his chest bare. The starlight extracted all color from them and they seemed like a vision in black and white.

They were intrigued when they noticed she was not sleeping but outside, dressed in her small loincloth that they remembered she called 'panties' and tight top, seemingly exercising. Her clothing left nothing to the imagination and the movements held an alien beauty that seemed very different from her sword fighting. It made their blood run quicker in their veins. Softly they advanced, not wanting to break her concentration, to watch her movements.

She was unaware of their presence. Her movements were precise, concentrated, flowing. The exercises were a combination of leanness and extreme power and control. Soon however they noticed other things: her sickly pale face, her fatigue, her moving jaw, her shuttered features. They recognised this kind of state - she was exhausting herself, hurting herself to distract her mind, just as they liked doing themselves. She was breathing hard and softly chanting, the same sentence over and over again. Their Elven ears noticed that she bordered on hyperventilating, with eyes showing a little too much white. The only thing that seemed to hold her upright was her sheer force of will.

Fascinated by the scene, the twins watched until she faltered and collapsed on all fours, face forward towards the stones. They rushed forward. Elladan peeled her off the floor and swept her into his arms in an instant. Elrohir scraped her sticky locks from her face with his fingers, exposing her slack face. Worry hit them, for she looked dangerously drained.

"Rin, Rin, why did you do this to yourself?" Elladan whispered.

She stared at him with empty eyes. She kept silent, closing her eyes. And then with the utmost effort she made to stand upright, but her legs felt like jelly and she collapsed through them as soon as her feet met the cold stone. Elrohir caught her again effortlessly, concern marring his features.

"It was…. necessary….to calm my thoughts."

Elladan frowned. "What thoughts made you treat your body like this?"

She sighed, and motioned towards the wall of the terrace until Elrohir set her down gently with her back leaning against it.

He gave her a stern look. "Share these thoughts with us Rin."

She took a deep breath. "It is Nao, she haunts my sleep."

"Nao?"

"My little sister. I cannot escape the pain of these dreams. I am trying not to feel pain."

She knew they had the same tendency to self-destruction as herself, they would understand. But still she felt awkward telling them.

"It was only a nightmare." Elladan tried to comfort her, but her face contorted in anger.

"It is not a nightmare! It is real!"

He looked taken aback but then she saw realisation start dawning on him, on them. She did tell them that her parents and sister died to their father. Did death find them in such a way that she felt haunted by it?

She took a deep breath, the darkness creeping back upwards again, closing her mind in, as if in a tight box. She felt short of breath all of a sudden.

"Is it linked to your scars?"

She let out a trembling sigh, closing her eyes. This afternoon it had been so easy to think and wish that she had shared it with them when they were in the wilderness, together. But here now, facing them in real life, she hesitated.

"Please Rin, will it not ease your mind if we share your burden?"

She took a deep breath and plunged into the deep darkness of her memories, her voice shaking.

"Nao was my little sister. She was the light where I was the dark. She was all things I was not, radiantly beautiful, open, innocent, happy and positive, caring for others." She paused collecting her thoughts but her voice cracked when she continued: "My parents' death was quick and easy. Afterwards, the one who killed them did not hesitate to choose Nao. I can still see his dirty fingers clawing her hair, dragging her towards the living room. She was only 13."

She closed her eyes, forcing herself to speak. It felt as if the words were made of stone, only their weight made them leave her mouth.

"He held a knife to her throat while raping her. She was crying, her eyes filled with terror and pain. I still see her beautiful face, his tongue defiling her skin, her eyes staring at me until they turned empty and I lost her. He was raping her still when he slit her throat. He discarded her body like a piece of thrash. I still see her falling from that couch, leaving only a trail of blood. Some part of me died there in that house."

She squeezed her eyes shut in agony, the image of Nao falling, repeating itself in her mind's eye as if re-enforced by her words.

"Did he rape you?" Elrohir's voice sounded rough and gravelly, strained even.

"I remember only the torture, torture for information that I did not have. They stripped me naked and cut up my back, kicked me until they thought I had died. But I did not die."

She opened her eyes to escape the image of her sister's death and stared at Elladan's grey ones, darkened by anger, inches from her face. "There is only humiliation and guilt in my memory, I feel no physical pain, nor fear, I hear no sounds. There is only Nao's pain and her death by his filthy hands."

"They?"

"Much later I learned it was a group of six. They slipped up while they slaughtered another family and so they were caught. The judge gave them a prison sentence of twenty years."

"Prison? Twenty years?" Elrohir stared at her incredulously.

She gripped his arm in frustration. "It was not enough. I needed them dead. I still need them dead. I failed Nao. If only they chose me first, she would be alive. She died because of me!"

"You have not killed them?"

"Everything I was brought up with, my countries laws and my families beliefs, forbade me to kill them myself. I would have dishonoured my parents' memory to give into the urge to play judge. I had to be content with the justice that was done by the law. When they received twenty years in prison instead of the death penalty, life as I knew it, lost its meaning for me. So I sold all our possessions, except for my father's katana and tried to find distractions for my mind and my body. And I have been doing that ever since."

She fell silent. Elrohir stated softly, his breath tickling her ear, "This was why you hesitated when you had to kill that first orc."

She looked at him, her face bitter. "Yes, you are right. I have this craving for violence in me that I cannot rid myself off. I lust for blood, mainly their blood. I still want, no, need, to kill them for my sister's suffering. Because she is stuck in time, there on that couch, falling from it. And I am the one that has to be watching."

They stared at her, but did not touch her. She could tell they were upset, the emotions almost palpable. The realisation that these two ancient beings cared, made her feel like nothing could touch her, nothing could hurt her. They understood, they understood every fibre of her.

"So I know now that I was not only distracting my mind and body all those years. I have been waiting. Waiting for those twenty years to be finished. Waiting to get my revenge after all, the laws be damned. But coming here…." she didn't finish her sentence.

She felt the dark memories slowly receding, back towards that hidden place. The twins sensed it as well, but their eyes were still dark and angry.

Elladan searched her eyes before he said in a stern voice: "It was not your fault."

She smiled at him then. "I know. But the guilt has become a part of me. I am broken."

Elrohir said quietly: "You are not broken but changed. This is what happens to those that suffer your circumstances."

Elladan added with passion: "Do not fear your trauma or hunger for revenge. Conquer hurt with violence. Replace sorrow with pain. It will gain you purpose."

She said quietly: "During our fights in the wild I did just that. Those fights gave me purpose. Travelling with you gave me purpose."

Elladan looked at his brother, gritting his teeth. It was the worst possible moment to share their resolve with her. But it needed to be done.

Elrohir nodded grimly and then said with even voice: "Rin… we cannot take you into the wild with us any longer. You will have to find your way in Middle Earth on your own."

She felt the blood drain from her face, coldness grasped her heart. She opened her mouth but was unable to voice her thoughts.

Elladan said firmly. "You are strong, Rin. We trust you to be alright. Our father will take care of you, you can stay in Rivendell as long as you deem necessary."

"We heard Tessarion invited you to the Guard." Elrohir added. "That might be a good occupation for someone of your skills. Accept his offer and protect this realm. It will suit you."

"But…"

"But we have to travel soon, Rin. Our errand is too dangerous. The knowledge that you brought to this realm is perilous. We will travel towards the North. Tessarion brought tidings of a dark force that is gathering in the Northern Lands."

She stood straight. The twins mimicked her, their movements stealthy as if bracing for trouble.

"I wish to come."

"You cannot."

"Shimatta! Do not shut me out! You know I can handle danger! That is just a lame excuse for something that you are not telling me!" she yelled it at their faces. They were silent, not wanting to tell her the truth.

"Why? You arrogant Elf Lords, you owe me an explanation! Don't tell me you don't feel this…. this… pull! It is unbearable!"

There. She said it out loud. For a split second, she felt fearful of their reaction. But she saw it in their eyes already. Their resolve in spite of the pull that they felt too. They would not change their minds. And she steeled her heart.

"Fine. You wish to know. We have let this go too far already, Rin. You are mortal and we are of Elvenkind. This attraction cannot be acted upon. You must understand this. This cannot come to pass." The lie rolled smoothly from Elladan's tongue. Better for her not to know the truth. Elrohir gave him a sideways glance, but his face revealed nothing.

She looked at them, standing serenely, their hair glistening the moonlight, staring at her, like Siamese cats. Staring at her hands she felt defeated. The weight of their age, and their heritage crushed her. Loving her would mean only a short happiness for them. Afterwards, they would fade from grief.

But she knew she could not deny this feeling. And they felt it too. Still they were fighting it. And successfully apparently. Like small children, being stubborn, choosing the easy path, the path of ignoring their hearts, their urges, refusing to feel pain. Oh, how she understood their reasoning! So she clung to an emotion that would save her feelings. Save her from hurt: anger. It was a slow anger, cold, hidden underneath the surface. But she made sure to give them a glimpse of it.

"Fine. I will not beg for your companionship, nor your friendship. Our ways part here." Her voice felt like sandpaper in her throat. As if made of stone, she slowly started to turn, but Elladan grabbed her arm with force.

"So, will you? Accept a place at the Guard?" he stared at her intently his eyes burning.

Glaring at him, she bit back, "No….. No! Your right to that answer is forfeit! I owe you no explanations Elf Lord! My life is my own and I will not share it with you any longer."

She took them in, one at the time. Their finely chiseled features, their dark shiny hair, their silver eyes. She beheld them, their strength, their beauty, their fear - fear of her - and her heart wept in anger.

Then she bowed, turned, and walked inside, closing the door softly behind her, leaving the twins unnerved.

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They had expected many things, but not her seemingly cold indifference. Tears of anger and sorrow did not come. She did not cling to the last remaining connections by discussing her future with them. She shut them out more thoroughly then they had anticipated, and it did not sit well with them. Unease creeped up at them.

Staring at her door, they felt awkward and guilty. Guilty for behaving in such an dishonourable way at such a bad time. Guilty for cutting all bonds with her when she was most vulnerable. And she, in turn, had repaid them with contained disdain and honour. An honourable polite anger, directed mainly at their misplaced possessiveness instead.

And it was pure possessiveness. With the finality of the door closing on them, they realised that they were possessive still. The idea of not knowing where she would go, if she would be safe, did not sit well with them. Would she accept Tessarion's offer? Or was she going to stay within the safe boundaries of their fathers realm? Would she find understanding and companionship in Tessarion or Glorfindel?

And then the dreadful thought entered their minds simultaneously. What if she found love in their arms? They shared a dark look. Elrohir shook his head while gritting his teeth. They would have to bear it, this regret. They suffered worse. Angry he pulled Elladan with him. They would find some distraction that night, or they might ride out of Rivendell this night to leave all thoughts of her behind.