And on we go.
Thanks to Millie, Leelee202, Guest and d Elfe for your reviews. And seriously, reviews get me going! So please review!
Let me take a moment to recommend the excellent works of d Elfe (All Hail to the King: King Arthur 2014, Tristan x OCish), Leelee202 (Another World, LOTR Thranduil x OC) and Cygnusrift (Of Dust and everlasting stars: Haldir x OC). The last one is a recent discovery for me and if you want to drown in the best romance story ever written on Haldir, go read it! Breathtaking and heartstopping :)
Now on, to those stubborn idiotic twins and my much smarter hero.
And I am really, really sorry that it is Tessarion for a bit and not Glorfindel :) I realise it is dissappointing for some of you, but it serves a purpose in the end as you will see...
Chapter 16 - Walking from the fresh starlit dark ….
Walking from the fresh starlit dark into the stables felt like walking into a warm blanket: yellow light from lanterns seemed to intensify the warm round smell of animals, mixed with straw and hay. It was as busy as a beehive, full of Elves dressed in leather and partial metal protecting, laughing and talking while preparing their horses and checking their belongings. Tessarion's Guard patrol, Rin surmised. Nothing of the splendor she imagined a small Elf army to have, no silver armour or elaborately beautified weaponry. Everything she saw was practical, worn down from use, but of amazingly good quality, obviously lasting for many years.
Tessarion led her to the space in front of Bethril, who welcomed her with a nuzzle that made her feel instantly better. Tessarion ignored the horse and inspected her clothing and the strap of her katana by tugging on it harshly, testing its strength. He conjured up leather bracers, one for each forearm, one for each shin. And he pulled a leather tunic over her head that was slightly too big, but fastened it nevertheless. Tugging on the leather he nodded, satisfied.
While she pulled her hood from underneath the leather, he explained: "I have ordered these items specifically for your size, but they will not be finished in time. These will do for now. They do not make you invincible, but should provide some protection for knives and arrows. Now let me look at that sword you carry."
She gave it to him hesitantly. She did not like to surrender her katana to anyone. Tessarion seemed to notice her reluctance and took it reverently.
"You are vulnerable when you reach it on your back. It would be wise to carry it on your side."
She shrugged. "In my world I was never meant to be ambushed or engage in a real battle."
"I will leave it on your back for now, because it is your habit. It is unwise to change a habit on the eve of danger."
She wondered about his directive tone of voice. Frowning, she thought she would not allow him to change anything concerning her katana, unless she gave him permission. She shook her head in her mind, that was a battle for another time.
"Do not worry, taichou. I am accustomed to carry my katana on my side. I just did not bring my regular sageo and obi to carry it sideways. The one I wear now, is only for transporting the sword on my bicycle."
"Bicycle?"
"Forget it. Think of a horse." she smiled at him.
He rummaged around in a large container with leather items. Then tried to attach several leather straps to her katana until he found one that was satisfactory. He fastened it on her body, tugging and adjusting, and she felt relieved to have it on her side again. It felt more steady and the angle seemed just right to grab it quickly.
"Try it."
She pulled her katana in one fluid motion, swung it up high and when the blade descended Tessarion was already holding out his own sword, catching hers in mid-motion. The sound of metal on metal made heads turn in the stables.
She blinked. She had not seen him moving. He stared at her with a stern face.
"I will be the commander of your blade from now on Rin. I will not tolerate any disobedience while you are in the Guard. I will not risk lives due to disobedience. It is of the utmost importance to follow my orders. Do we have an understanding?"
She blinked again. She understood. This was not a randomly planned, careless and possible self-destructive hunt for orcs like she ventured on with the twins. Agreeing to accompany the Guard, meant being part of the first defence of Rivendell and while being part of it, she held the same purpose and responsibility as the warriors that surrounded her. If she did not follow, she might threaten their endeavours, with disastrous consequences for the safety of the warriors around her and Rivendell. She wondered if she could uphold this discipline that Tessarion was demanding of her. For a few days maybe, but permanently?
But she needed to try it nevertheless, she was in desperate need of distraction and purpose. So she accepted his command with a bow and he seemed satisfied.
Suddenly from behind her, a familiar voice said: "Good evening Lord Tessarion, are you starting your usual harsh Guard routine already in the stables?"
Tessarion looked behind her to the Elf that could only be Glorfindel and frowned. "What are you insinuating, Lord Glorfindel? That I am overstepping the boundaries of decorum concerning our guest?"
Glorfindel stepped into the light of the nearest lantern, dressed in an indigo coloured tunic with loose grey pants underneath. He seemed to glow white, a strange contrast with the warm yellow light of the stables, his hair standing out like a beacon, his eyes, almost too bright to be real. He walked next to her side, watching only Tessarion without acknowledging her and she looked up at him curiously. What was he doing here? Was he accusing Tessarion of something ?
"I would not suggest anything of the sort, I merely wondered about your directive tone of voice just mere moments ago. You do remember our Lord's wishes on her well-being?"
Tessarion inclined his head, a flash of irritation in his eyes. "Of course."
Rin looked at Glorfindel curiously, wondering what they were talking about. Apparently, they both had talked with Elrond about her and decided that she would receive some special treatment for her own good. She immediately felt irked by it.
"I do not wish for special treatment in the Guard. If I am to find out if my place is with the Guard, I should be treated the same as the others."
Both lords looked at her and then back at each other. A small invisible fight seemed to be fought out between them in silence, until Tessarion gave a curt nod and disappeared in between his men.
Glorfindel turned towards her, his face showing nothing, taking her hands in his. The dry warmth of his hands penetrated her skin. It felt pleasant and strange at the same time. He smiled at her and she was mesmerized by the flecks in his irises and golden eyelashes adorning his eyes like halos.
"I came to wish you all the best on your first patrol, Rin. How are you feeling?"
Those four words made her feel the impact of the break up with the twins for real. Emotions crashed into her and she felt her eyes water. She quickly glanced at Bethril, hoping the horse's calm eyes would help her out, but it was futile.
"They pushed me away, Glorfindel. I was unwanted", she felt one tear slipping from her eyes.
He grasped her hands more firmly. "I feared as much. How are you coping?"
"It hurts." She bit her lip.
Glorfindel stared at her intently, his blue eyes seemed to penetrate her very being. And then, to her utter surprise, he enveloped her into his arms. She stiffened for a moment but soon she held onto him for dear life. He smelled like grass in springtime. The tears came and she let them. And there in that far corner of the stables, unseen by any of the guard, she sobbed quietly in Glorfindel's arms. She sobbed until his tunic was wet from tears.
The Elf Lord held her with reverence. It had been many years since he had to comfort a female, let alone a mortal one. Their closeness caused him to sense her fëa and to his surprise the damage of the broken bond was not as severe as he expected it to be. Frowning, he wondered if he had overestimated the depth of her connection to Elrond's sons. But his judgement was usually accurate, he mused. The only possible explanation for this would be that she had a mortal fëa, different from an Elven fëa. He felt relief wash over him. She would heal. That much was clear to him now.
After a while, Glorfindel stepped back to look at her face for a moment. Seeing that the worst was over he smiled at her. "There. That must feel better?"
"It does. Thank you… and sorry."
"Do not apologise, mellon nin. We are friends. I will be here to help you whenever you wish it."
She felt grateful and nodded at him. Then she crossed her arms, looking around hesitantly.
Glorfindel sensed her unease. "Is it wise to travel with strangers, while hurting so?"
She mulled over his words. "It will distract me. It will give me purpose. I need this, I think."
Glorfindel looked thoughtful. "And what of Elrond's sons?"
"What of them?"
He gave a small smile, his left corner tugging up ever so slightly. "Do you not wonder why they acted as they did?"
A world of knowledge seemed hidden behind his simple question, but she was too tired to pry it out of him. So she shrugged, pretending indifference that she did not feel. "I do not care what they think or feel. I am done with them."
Glorfindel's eyes kept lingering on hers, trying to find a hidden meaning behind her words, she imagined. When he could find none, he stared behind her at Bethril and said: "I understand, Rin."
She noticed Tessarion returning and heard Glorfindel raising his voice ever so slightly: "Be safe, Rin. Please follow Lord Tessarion's orders at all times."
He took her hand again and pressed it firmly, his eyes leaving Bethril and penetrating hers with intent.
"I will."
He did not look at Tessarion when he said: "Take care of her, mellon?"
He let go of her hand to look at the Captain. Tessarion nodded at him with a small smile on his face. "You know I will."
He turned towards Rin, catching her eye one last time, muttering a melodious: "Namárië..." and left the stables.
Tessarion gave her a look that she could not decipher, but before she could say anything he had turned and barked several commands that turned the chaos in the stables into a well-oiled machine where everyone had his place. The teasing merry Elf that she had met on the training grounds made way for an army leader, his directive orders following each other in staccato. She was in awe of the instant authority he held over his Guard. Pondering on Glorfindel's unexpected but thoughtful farewell, she quickly saddled Bethril on her own, and soon they were thundering over the road.
They left Rivendell from another side of the valley over a wide grassy path alongside a quick river. Soon, they left its stream for higher land, thundering through the landscape. It seemed to be all for the benefit of the horses, who were eager to stretch their stiff stable legs. The energy of the animals was contagious and soon Rin found herself laughing out loud, forgetting for a few moments, the painful memories of the twins in her heart.
Xxxxxxxxxx
Travelling north was not an easy venture. Two horses with riders, clad in dark colours, trod over small paths through dense thickets in an old empty riverbed. A mist hovered over the landscape, floating just above the thicket, bringing moisture and coldness that seeped into the riders' clothes. Branches with thorns caught cloth, long ferns entangled horse legs until they snapped loose, rocks were inconveniently scattered along the trails, causing hesitation, some cursing and then rethinking travelling by horse.
The sons of Elrond were silent, lost in their thoughts. Normally it was a healing silence - if one could call it a silence, for the sounds of nature were all around. Every step from Imladris was a step back into a simple existence. The comfortable company of each other, the life in the wild that kept their bodies and minds alert and full of energy, the hunt for death, the thirst for revenge.
Time had a different pace for Elves compared to mortals. The pace of life in nature; the endless cycles of the moon and stars, the water tides, the seasons, birth and rebirth, all seemed to reflect that. But this time, they found themselves counting steps, counting time, making the minutes stretch out longer. It started off with a feeling of unease, restlessness. But in the silence around and between them, they slowly realised that they were counting, experiencing time and space differently, almost like a mortal. And it was a mortal that was the cause of it.
Every step and minute took them away from their resolve, from her, from their short-lived moments together, and a haunting feeling overtook them slowly but surely.
They hoped for some kind of healing in the wild, but it seemed to magnify their wounded fëas instead, confronting them with the fact that they did her wrong. That they were scared. That it hurt to be apart from her.
Finally the path became wider, and sloped up higher. Elladan came to ride alongside his brother. Elrohir gave a faint smile, bending over to grasp his hand, pressing it for a short while. "This might take some time. Do not worry."
Elladan nodded gratefully, finding comfort in his words and would find something to hunt to distract them from their mess of thoughts and feelings. Killing orcs would resolve everything.
xxxxxxx
Rin's days with the Guard consisted mainly of scouting the area over vast distances. Unlike her expectations, they did not ride close to each other in formation, but would often spread out into smaller groups, only reuniting at nightfall.
Enemies were not encountered, nor sought out. She had the distinct feeling that this company used their supernatural sense of their surroundings to evade any possible threat or confrontation. She dreaded the ongoing evasion of their enemies. She craved a fight if only to forget for a short while the things that were haunting her. Still, there was no confrontation and she could not detect the same sentiment and eagerness in her companions.
The Guard was a company of spies rather than killers or soldiers, she mused. She knew they were gathering intelligence during their travels, but their contacts eluded Rin. Many invisible spies seemed to communicate with the Elves and only the obvious ones were visible for her mortal eyes, like wandering Elves and sometimes men, dressed in worn down clothes, the color of the landscape. The Elves seemed to be in connection with a world that was just beyond her line of vision, forever out of reach.
It made her very alert. It would be dangerous for her if she could not sense this world underneath her scope of vision. If she were to survive and outsmart supernatural beings, she needed to see beyond her own reality. So she stayed silent and studied them intently and as often as she could.
Xxxxxx
The heart of the Guard was Tessarion. She had time now to study him. Glorfindel had been right that day on the training grounds, the easy-going exterior fooled those who did not pay attention. Underneath that pleasant straightforwardness was a strong, capable leader.
He dashed back and forth between the groups of Elves, talking, asking questions, teasing, or just listening to his warriors with attention. He was approachable, equal almost, but she was not fooled. He just knew how to steer his Elves into the direction that he wanted, while his methods remained hidden underneath his pleasantry. She saw him do it constantly, switching his conversation style to the one facing him, thus masterfully controlling the mental well-being of his warriors, their motivation and their confidence. And his warriors loved them for it.
In between his energetic endeavours, he took the time to get to know her better and put her at ease while riding. And he made her laugh, for which she was grateful.
During their conversations in the daytime, she discovered a tender and gentle side to him, that was instigated by his apparent suspicions that she was not in the best of moods. She suspected he had seen her breakdown in Glorfindel's arms or was informed by either the latter or Elrond himself.
Behind the teasing and laughing, he was thoughtful of her feelings, inquiring about her mood and genuinely tried to make her feel at ease with him and the Guard, which she really appreciated. He reminded her of Elladan in these moments, his calm questions about her home, her interests, her feelings. But he was far gone and it served no purpose to compare Tessarion to him.
As for the warriors, they were interesting. Some she recognized from the training grounds. Some she did not. The Elves were curious and merry, frequently asking questions and teasing her relentlessly on her mortality. But after a while, she noticed that they could suddenly revert to a seriousness that befitted their age.
There were no other female warriors in the group. She recalled the twins mentioning that there were very few female elves who wanted to choose the life of a wandering warrior. It seemed to be a quality that attracted them in her. She hurriedly pushed the thought away. Not that it helped much anyway. She made a mental note to ask Tessarion about it.
The downside of travelling with a small army of Elves was the fact that they reminded her of the twins constantly. Of course Elves differed from each other like humans differed. And none of them resembled the twins in looks or character. But they all held the same ethereal beauty. They held the same grace of movement, inhuman strength, skills and knowledge. Every small recognition seemed to trigger things in her head and the twins and their rejection of her, would invade her mind in full force, the pain unbearable.
She knew about pain. She knew how to ignore it, or distract it or even suppress it. She had dealt with pain in her life and survived. But this deep hurt seemed sharp and new. It felt as if her heart was being expertly spooned out with a sharpened ice scoop, leaving only the bare necessities to survive.
To her great relief, the Elves around her seemed ignorant of her weaker moments. Moments where the hurt would wash over her in waves that drowned her. Angrily, she shook her head as if to clear her mind of these dark thoughts. That chapter on the twins was closed. She wanted to be done with them. But how could she stop them from haunting her mind?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Every day, after patrolling, the fragmented company would reunite and Tessarion would bark orders, effectively turning chaos into efficiency. Tasks were automatically divided: hunting, setting up camp, making fire or sharing intelligence with Tessarion. She noticed that they halted more for the well-being of their animals than out of tiredness themselves. Like the twins, these Elves seemed in need of little sleep.
Setting up camp was an event swiftly followed by daily training, with no exceptions she soon learned. Tessarion relentlessly pushed them all into action, motivating them with his sharp straightforward humor, even after especially long and hard days. But no matter how easygoing he seemed, his control over his Guard was strong, the respect of his warriors, she sensed, was unwavering.
She wondered about the wisdom of pushing tired and hungry warriors to train at the end of the day before rest and food. When she asked Tessarion during one of their conversations he explained that this method kept his warriors on their toes, even in their most vulnerable moments. Not everyone agreed with this method Tessarion had remarked wryly, and she recalled Glorfindel's words about his 'harsh training routine'. Well. It was certainly harsh, she concluded, but not without purpose.
Rin followed his directions and trained with various members of the Guard. Depending on her partner, she would be better or inferior in technical skills, but it was certain that she lacked Elvish strength and stamina, for she would be the first to collapse of exhaustion.
Tessarion did not give any leeway for her being the only human amongst elves. Instead he assigned her to go with the hunt or prepare dinner with the others, even after these training sessions. The other Elves, she noticed, sometimes questioned his decisions concerning her. But he would not hear of it and treated her as if she was an Elf. She thought of the conversation back in the stables with Glorfindel and Tessarion and realised that the latter was respecting her wishes on the matter. She decided it was a sign of respect from him and she took it all without complaint, finishing any task that he threw at her.
When all was done, she would often lean exhausted against a tree, dozing off, until somebody woke her. Like the twins, they seemed to prefer starlight over moonlight for eating and resting, for they only woke her when the moon was gone and the sky was littered with thousands of flickering lights.
They kept the fire small, using it mainly for cooking the spoils of the hunt and for keeping her warm, since elves did not feel much of the cold. They would eat sparingly, mostly dried fruit, some meat and bread. On the first night she was unable to eat much, her belly being churned constantly by this feeling of hurt that never left her. The night sky was unlike anything she ever saw on earth, it never ceased to amaze her. In Japan there was always some light pollution, but here, absolute darkness ruled. The result was too magnificent to comprehend and she loved staring upwards, drowning in the infinity of space and starlight.
These moments came at a price though, since the thoughts on the twins would come quickly and there would be no distractions from it. Gritting her teeth she suffered in silence, staring upwards, ignoring the Elves around her, trying to maintain a mask of calm for them. Sitting there, staring into infinity she waited for sleep to claim her. The easier evenings were those where songs would sound, taking her mind while she stared up to the stars, onto journeys to a distant past, alien emotions singing through her body, making her laugh but more often cry, until sleep claimed her silently.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxx
One evening she lay next to the fire, staring into the darkness above her. Her body hurt from restraining her emotions, she felt dangerously tired, physically and mentally, but still she could not sleep. She knew she had to give in to her emotions for a while, or sheer exhaustion would make her useless to the patrol.
She sat up, making eye contact with a blond elf whose name kept eluding her. He was on guard, sitting just within the small circle of light that the fire cast. She made a vague gesture to him towards some large boulders at the edge of the camp. He nodded silently as she quietly made her way there, relieved to be out of sight of everyone for a while.
The cold of the rock penetrated her pants and skin. The hardness made her feel more awake. She let out a long sigh and slowly let go of the restraint she held over her memories. And they came flooding back to her. Elrohir's calloused hands on her knee, his stubborn silences, his relish for competition. Elladan's kind smile, his wet eyelashes in the lake, his gentle and kind words, the burning kiss in the baths and his hidden sexual aggression. Butterflies filled her stomach. She remembered their teasing and their respect for her. The trust they gave her to be their equal. The attraction they felt towards her. The open gazes of lust and want. The sheer power, bloodlust and battle driven force of nature they harboured together and shared with her wholeheartedly. How she missed them still. The connection felt like an open wound. Her body shook emotion that she tried to choke down.
Suddenly a soft movement caught her eye. Tessarion moved silent as a cat around the boulders to sit beside her.
"What is ailing you, Rin?" Those four words seemed, as happened with Glorfindel, to unleash her emotion within one single strike and she broke down silently. Tessarion watched her silent tears. He did not make an effort to hold her or comfort her. He was just there, witnessing her pain, wordlessly supporting her with his presence.
When she came to herself he looked at her and said: "Tell me what they did, those wretched sons of my Lord."
"How do you know?"
"As captain, it is my business to know what is ailing my warriors." He said simply.
"They rejected my friendship."
"Friendship?"
She watched his wise eyes. Why was she trying to fool an ancient Elf Lord? The twins had shut her out multiple times while not sharing thoughts or feelings. And she was tired of their ways. She should be different.
"... love….." it was a difficult word. One that she did not quite believe herself… yet. But it was spoken now. No return was possible.
Tessarion's face hardened and he cursed softly in Elvish. Suspecting it was completely different from knowing it for certain.
"Those brothers and their wicked ways! You do not deserve your heart be trifled with in such a disrespectful way!" he said heatedly.
She dried her cheeks with the hem of her hoodie. "Do not be angry, taichou. What is done is done."
He stared at her, amazed. "How can you talk so? You are not familiar with our ways. Love is not some casual feeling for my kind. It is our most sacred bond and should be respected and cherished, not cast away so cruelly. They risked your life and sanity."
She blinked. "What do you mean?"
"Severing a bond could cause a rip into one's fëa, Rin, with potential life-threatening consequences. They behaved recklessly, with a mortal on the receiving end of their rash decisions. It is unforgivable!"
"They chose their freedom and I can relate to that. I don't need them, taichou. It is good that it ended now. The pain will be short and severe, but it will pass, and we all will have our freedom." She shrugged.
He put his hand on her shoulder in worry. "If an Elf rejects a bond, the pain of separation is enough to drive his fëa to destruction. I worry for your fëa, Rin."
"I don't have a fëa!"
"Not an Elven one, but humans have one nevertheless."
"You mean a soul?" she asked incredulously.
He nodded. "Yes, a soul is a fëa in a certain sense. If the bond between Elves has progressed too far, the fëas get interlinked in such a way that separation or rejection could be lethal to both Elves."
"Well. I am still here and not dead yet. I will survive it seems."
He stared at her surprised at her stoic reply. She just might, he mused. She should not be able to function as she was up till now, removed so far from the brothers already. Humans obviously responded differently to a broken bond compared to elves.
Rin looked back to him with a small smile and on impulse, leaned over to kiss his cheek. "Arigatou gozaimasu, taichou-sama, for being angry on my behalf. Thank you for being my friend," she whispered as she rested her tired head on his shoulder. It was probably a total breach of decorum, Rin realised vaguely. He was her superior in rank and stature and in Japan rank and hierarchy was strictly adhered to. But somehow she felt a connection that made status seem insignificant all of a sudden.
Tessarion held his breath when he felt her head on his shoulder. For a moment he thought of correcting her, for he usually discouraged intimacy within the Guard while out on patrol. He had learnt the hard way how this could disrupt and compromise a warrior. His mind travelled back into old memories. It was many centuries ago, when the love of his life, Zeale, had been in his arms, bleeding to death on a small battlefield. But he could still smell his bloodsoaked knees and the earth beneath him, could still see the metal of the blade that stuck out of her chest. Her bloodied white hair, tangled with a strand caught in the corner of her mouth. He had lost his sanity for some time, endangering his companions.
But the dark memories were washed away by his feelings of protectiveness that seemed stronger in that moment for this small mortal leaning on him. He was attracted to her in spite of her mortality, he had to admit to himself, remembering the softness of her lips on his cheek. He felt the fëa connection humming with their close proximity, which told him that they were for at least a part compatible. She was beautiful, skilled and agile like a cat. He did not like her dark edges, she strayed within the twins influence for too long already, he thought. But he had hope that she would find the good path once more. And he would aid her where he was able to, hopefully without risking his heart and sanity in the process.