I gotta get out of here.

I can't stand another minute in this house anymore.

Everything about here is just so… so…

I can't stand it here.

"WAAAA!"

"Aisha… please. Stop crying… there's nothing to worry about. Mama will come home soon okay." I said as I held her in my arms, patting her back gently.

"Nuh…ma aahhh!" Norn cried out to me from her crib.

"I'll be right with you Norn, just wait a bit."

That didn't take long as she started crying.

"AAHHHH!"

"Ah! W-wait." I rushed to her crib with Aisha in tow. Norn reached out to me and without thinking, I used my only available arm to wrap around her and pulled her out of the crib.

Oh this was a mistake.

Carrying two babies was not an easy feat for my current form, I was struggling.

I couldn't handle the weight as I fell on my butt.

"Ow…"

Norn clung to my neck while Aisha tightened her grip on my shirt, pulling it.

The crying settled, now replaced with happy giggles.

"Where are the parents?!" I shouted.

Paul was out due to an emergency with wild beasts roaming around, Zenith was called away in the village because of a sick villager, and Lilia rushed out to get something from somewhere but never said what it was or how long it was gonna take.

So I was stuck as a temporary babysitter.

How could everyone just not be home today? What's the purpose? Is this supposed to be some pivotal moment for me? Is someone gonna appear at the front door and try to kill me or tell me a message?

My mind was in a state of exaggeration and wild imagination but that does happen sometimes in movies when the main character is on some turning point.

In a world with no TV or computers, I was left daydreaming of many crazy adventures to keep me entertained somewhat. There was only so much reading the same books here could do.

I also hang out with Sylph sometimes too. But honestly, I'm tired of seeing him. We almost had nothing in common except magic. But I taught him everything I know, so there really is no point in spending time together. All we talk about is his life with his father, or how he misses his mother. I get that it's my fault she died, but I don't need to be reminded of what happened to her. Also, he's very clingy. He would sleep next to me when I was taking a nap under the tree. Then most times when I would walk around the village, he would try to hold my hand until I would shake it off. I'm not comfortable holding people's hands, even more so now.

He has been forward with his approach with me a lot lately since I told him he should be more… brave I would say. This would have been really nice if one; he wasn't a child and two; he wasn't a boy. So of course I'm not interested.

I did try to let him down easily, but when he thought I was trying to end our friendship, he got really sad and his magic started to get a bit out of control. Luckily, no one was around there to see his outbursts. I had to reassure him we were still best friends and that we will continue being so. He got happy again and hugged me. I was afraid he might accidentally kill me with magic if I end our friendship. So for now, I'll play along.

You know, for someone who wanted to die, I don't wanna right now. Guess I'm over that phase.

I got up slowly with both girls in my arms. I didn't think to put one down and place the other in the crib. So of course, I was struggling.

You know what? No, I'm not gonna fall back again. I'm not gonna let this body hold me back.

With two babies in hand, I went to their cribs slowly. Norn was watching me with curiosity while Aisha was nibbling on my shirt.

Don't nibble on my shirt! Ugh… whatever… got to put these girls into the crib.

When I got there, I put Norn in first. Then with a little effort, I took Aisha off of me and placed her in the crib as well.

"There…" I said with relief.

The two girls were giggling at me.

"I hope you two won't be trouble when you grow up." I said while patting their heads. "Hopefully I'll leave before any of that happens."

I've decided that I will leave this place in the near future. Maybe in another year or two, once I've grown a bit, and when I'm thinking it's good enough to leave, I'll plan a backpack to stash away before a specific date to go. Don't wanna have a backpack filled with spoiled foods and such that could rot away in a year.

I could pack small dried meats in my pack. It'll last longer, but I'll do that when it's time. Don't want rats to find my pack filled with my meat and start eating them and then eventually eat through my bag. I gotta be patient and wait for the right time to pack everything I need.

I already have the backpack in possession, along with an old map of the world. I got his small backpack from an old chest in a storage room. It was Zenith's since it had her initials on it. I assumed she wouldn't notice it would be gone so I took it. As for the map, or half of a map, I stole off a tradesmen that came to this village. I was wandering around, thinking about my idea to leave, when I saw a trader selling stuff from his caravan to other villagers.

I didn't think about a map at first, I just thought he might have something useful I could carry with me, like a pocket knife or maybe some rope, then maybe a canister. Something used for traveling or camping, honestly, I wasn't sure what I would find, just something I think is important.

I did exactly find all those things once I sneakily hopped into his tent, plus a satchel and small dagger. Then a half torn map of the current Continent I'm in. It looked pretty old and used as it had drawn out lines and some tears here and there. But the drawn out lines weren't just lines, they were trade routes. It shows me different ways to leave here and what is safe and what is not. It has little side notes like tips or advice.

How convenient it was.

I placed all the items I had in the satchel and quietly left the caravan without the trader noticing. I went straight home after that, and hid the items I have in a place I hid the backpack in from outside the house. It was risky hiding the supplies in the house because Lilia would clean the whole house. The chance that she finds it is low, but not zero.

Back to now.

"You two better behave yourselves when I'm gone. You can't stress out your parents… unlike me." I continue stroking their heads.

It was… fine to experience what it's like to have kids… or at least know what they're like.

Then suddenly, I could hear the front door opening.

"I'm back." Lilia came in with a small box and a bag of groceries.

I looked over before turning my attention back to Norn and Aisha. "Welcome…"

"Rud- Master Rudeus… hello."

Awkward silence filled the room between us until Aisha started jumping from her crib.

"Oh… Aisha, I'm coming." Lilia placed the groceries and the small box by a nearby table. She went to where I was to pick up Aisha and held her in her arms.

"I… I hope she hasn't been much trouble to you." She said.

"She hasn't."

"I see… have you two had fun?"

"Norn is here too."

"Yes… Lady Norn, have you three had fun?"

I held Norn's hand and shook it gently before I pulled myself away. Norn looked sad when I did, reaching out to me.

"I'll be up in my room."

I walked away from the crib, not looking at Lilia and leaving the room.

"Yes… Master Rudeus." I heard a sad tone in her voice.

It hasn't been the same between us. We no longer talk much for a while. She had made attempts to apologize, but I didn't want to hear it. Until eventually, when I continued to not listen, she stopped apologizing. She became somewhat depressed, but I didn't care.

I went upstairs, and into my room, and fell into bed.

When are Zenith and Paul coming back… actually, scratch that… I don't know why I thought of that. It'll just bring the atmosphere down quickly.

After the meeting, Paul was no longer allowed to touch Zenith for a while. He was banned from touching Lilia, and if he tried doing it with another woman, Zenith would go back with her family and bring Lilia and the children (including me) with her.

I was surprised that she wanted to take Lilia and Aisha with her. I thought they would have to go to Lilia's family. But Zenith wanted her to come. I had thought their relationship wouldn't be as good. But somehow, they got it together… which was strange.

How unusually fast they can make up.

Paul and Lilia's relationship, if there was one, is nonexistent. They don't talk to each other, or I've never seen them talk. It's usually Paul giving her a displeasing look and Lilia not looking at him. He's going as far as not giving attention to Aisha much. He gives little if any attention at all. If anything, he gives more attention to Norn.

This was also out of character for him. I thought, despite the drama, he would give a lot of love to both children equally. I mean, he would give his attention to me sometimes before, despite me not wanting it.

I'm a little worried about how this might affect Aisha's development. Not feeling welcome by her father, only her mother. Zenith kinda helps but I guess it's somewhat difficult for her to hold a child that wasn't hers.

Again, out of character, she was always someone who welcomed anyone who was… different in a way, it didn't matter what they were.

You know, lately, everyone's out of character. This family it's… it's losing it.

It practically started when I… when I… caused that storm.

Guess I'm the real problem. Exactly why I need to leave.

I took a deep breath before slowly falling asleep.

I came into a room, in it was a woman, sitting in a chair facing away from me. Instead, she was looking at an empty crib.

"Re…"

No response.

"Re…"

Still no response.

I walked behind her, placing my hand gently on her shoulder. She didn't react to my touch.

"You need to eat Re… I made you something."

"What would he look like?"

"Huh?"

"Would he have your eyes and my hair? Or would he have my eyes and your hair?"

"Are you talking about the baby?"

"Would he look American or more Japanese?"

It went quiet for a bit before I spoke, "he… would like more Japanese. I may be half but, you being full Japanese, he'll just be Japanese with American blood in him."

She giggled, "he would…"

She then began to cry, I instinctively wrapped my arm around her.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry Shi…"

"Don't cry… it's alright dear, you have nothing to be sorry for."

"But I… I couldn't…" she continued crying.

I had no idea what to say, I couldn't find the right words. All I could do was stay there and hold her. Hoping to reassure her that I won't leave her.

We went to bed together without dinner, holding each other in our arms. She fell asleep while I stayed awake to watch her.

All I can do now is be with her.

I woke up late in night, sat up.

Another one…

I've been having more of these dreams lately. No nightmares like the one before. Memories of my past I wish to forget.

But that will never happen.

I can't sleep like this. It's not nightmares, but this is not what I want.

All I could do was sit in my silence.

There have been plenty of those that it's almost redundant.

Then a small knock came from my door.

"Master Rudeus, may I come in?"

It was Lilia.

What now?

I was contemplating whether or not I should let her in. But I was kinda curious since this is the first time after the meeting she even attempted to come talk to me at night when everyone's asleep.

I didn't know what to do now, it's hard for me to talk to her still, or even see her.

Yet my body was already at the foot of the door, my hand on the handle.

I opened it.

Lilia looked surprised when I did, so was I. She stood there with the small box in her hands.

"Master Rudeus…"

I didn't respond, instead, I went to my bed and sat there.

Lilia came in and closed the door behind her. She came over to where I was and sat next to me.

We sat there waiting for someone to speak up.

After a few minutes, Lilia spoke up.

"R-rudeus… I have brought you something." She then handed me the small box

I took it, but inlet it sat there on my lap.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Well… it's uh… an item. I should… you should open it."

I didn't, "is this another way of apologizing to me?"

She went quiet before speaking up, "somewhat but, I ordered this before… before the meeting. It was delayed for a while before I received a letter saying it was coming earlier in the day."

We went quiet again.

"It would… make me happy if you would open it… please?"

I figured she wouldn't leave if I didn't, so I opened it. In it was a small silver pendant with a little blue crystal in the center. I took it out of the box and held it in my hand.

"What is it?"

"It's a magic item."

"Magic item? Is that expensive?"

She nodded, "not really actually, it was quite cheap."

"How did you order it?"

"There is actually a small shop here that takes requests to the city and brings what you need here."

I observed the pendant, "what does it do?"

"It's supposed to light up if you are in a dark place or send a light orb for guidance. Is what it said in the description." She explained.

That sounds expensive if a magic item could do that. But Lilia said it was cheap so…

"I had thought about giving it on your tenth birthday but… I feel as if I should give it to you now."

"As an apology?"

"Yes…"

I didn't know what to say. I wanted to reject the gift… but I couldn't. If anything, I felt happy.

"Why are you giving this to me anyway?"

She took a deep breath, "it was to show how much you matter to me."

I…

"What I did, I did it as my duty as a maid. But after thinking about the consequences of my actions, I felt as though it was the wrong choice. I ended up tearing apart this family further. I shouldn't have done what I did when, at the time, it was a mistake."

"But you did it anyway."

Her eyes were watering, "I did… I can't take it back. But I feel even more guilty when I broke your trust. More so than Zenith, I hurt you."

"I didn't think it mattered, I was just a kid. You were fulfilling your duties as a maid with me. It was your job to-"

She held my hand, the one I held the pendant in.

"I didn't consider it my duty with you. I may have said it was practice but, it really wasn't."

I kinda already guess that

"I felt as though you were genuine with your feelings. When you said those things to me, that you would pick me when you'll leave or come back."

Was I really that believable? I mostly said those things to get a reaction. I wasn't trying to be serious or anything. But I did those things with her. So I truly feel…

I don't know.

She let go of my hand, "but now that can never be. I'm tainted too much, I'm no longer a good fit for you. The best I could do was to earn your trust again, make up for my wrong doings, and I hope you won't treat Aisha differently." She wiped away her tears.

I didn't know what to say anymore, no words this time. Nothing really comes to mind. I'm hurt, yes, but I don't feel as mad with her as I thought I would be. My mind is just a mess right now, I can't exactly think properly.

"I must take my leave Master Rudeus. Have a goodnight and I hope that-"

As soon as she stood up, I took her hand.

"Master Rudeus?"

"Can you stay awhile?"

She thought for a moment, "I- I mustn't Rudeus. I'm no longer fit to-"

"I don't care… just sit."

So she sat, holding eachothers hands. Nothing was said for a while before I let go of her hand and laid on her lap. She was startled when I did this but didn't refuse. I closed my eyes and rested. She then proceeded to gently stroke my head. It was so soothing that I felt tired again.

I fell asleep once more. I woke up with Lilia gone. She must've left when I was sleeping well. Just her being there and her touch was enough to give me a good night's sleep.

I stared up into the ceiling and wondered…

What is wrong with me?