Summary:
Feeling restless over her most recent conflict with Zuko, Azula stalks the night in her camp. A new potential ally recognizes her and she takes the chance to learn new approaches in battling her inner demons.
As the dangers of war and conflicts between people around her grow fiercer, will she be able to grow stronger?
Chapter 4: Meditations
It was the day Princess Azula and Lu Ten decided to go together on a potentially dangerous side mission to investigate and secure the Northern Air Temple.
Azula woke up with the rising sun, like any good firebender should, rubbed her eyes and felt a sadly familiar dew on them. She couldn't always remember the contents of her dreams but their unpleasantness was able to take a toll on her body and overall fitness. She couldn't afford to have too many of them in succession for too long a time. There was the sleeping milk that her two handmaidens were skilled at preparing but it had the undesired effect of leaving her drowsy and somewhat disoriented for a significant time in the morning, something she couldn't afford now that the warzone around her was becoming more active. At least she wasn't appearing in her waking moments anymore, but the dread of her returning in full force was still able to choke out her breath if she dwelled on that fear for too long.
Hakuin's advice had worked back at the camp outside the Port. She mused she would have to keep trying, and keep trying harder if she wanted to become skilled enough to make the effect permanent. Now she had a brief amount of time to reflect back on it, before her maids became alerted and ready to attend to her morning needs.
Azula recalled the evening. It was neither the first nor was it the last time that she just felt restless. The fact that she couldn't fully explain nor name the feeling agitated her even more, it wasn't the familiar trepidation before a great battle that she could calm by imagining and planning victory in her mind but something darker and altogether unpleasant. It bordered on fear, particularly on the fear of one day no longer being feared. Thus her mind convinced her at last that the most rational thing to do was to put on a cloak as a disguise and survey the camp, to assure herself that she could flee or fight her way out should the men sworn to her decide to turn on her. Neither she, nor Zuko for that matter, were unskilled in the art of walking in the shadow, the countless hours of hide and seek they played as kids made sure of that.
Therefore her surprise was great when she just briefly walked between two tents, past a lone soldier sitting at a small fireplace, and heard the voice of commander Hakuin coming from it, calling her:
"It's not safe to have you wandering around alone, your highness."
"I'm more than able to defend myself."
"That I'm sure. I meant it wouldn't be safe for anybody unlucky enough to wrong you, by accident or not."
The princess felt a grin tug at her mouth but stopped herself from indulging in it. Common born men might not realize it but jokes are a form of power play. Not fully and consciously, but men who make women laugh often do feel a sense of power over them. That's why she couldn't allow just any soldier, even a high ranking one, to visibly cause such a reaction in her, except if she wanted to ensnare and lead them on. The privilege of a true smile and laugh belonged to her cousin… though she indulged in it to entice that other boy from time to time. That's why she said her next words as coldly as she could muster.
"How did you recognize me?"
"You stride way too elegantly for most women, never mind men."
If he wanted to win her over with compliments, he was on the right track, the words were well chosen. Didn't mean she was going to let him have it easy. Thus, instead of reacting to the observation, she asked:
"And you just happened to be nearby? What are you doing alone here anyway?"
The commander turned his face and body away from the bonfire, just enough to have a full look at her, after which he said:
"Just staring at the fire for answers."
Azula remembered the recent conversation she had with Hakuin about the merits of divination and whether he had hidden something from her that was worth mentioning. The Fire Sages of the royal palace and the various holy sites loved to claim that they were seeing a bright future and swift victory for her family and people in the fires of their shrines and sacrifices… something they've been doing for almost a century now. She was pretty sure up to this point that the commander had no connection to them, but if he did, she hoped her next words would entrap him into revealing the truth.
"Did the sandbenders teach you that too?"
Hakuin briefly smirked in what seemed to be good hearted amusement of someone who liked being reminded of past adventures.
"It's an old tradition on my island, a way to honor our goddess. Speaking of honor…"
The commander then sat up from his small yet practical chair and invited the princess to take his place. When she sat down he sat down on the ground at a small yet respectful distance from her. Azula acknowledged him with a brief nod and mused that, if nothing else, he knew his place, or at least had the sense to demonstrate that he accepted it. After looking at the fire for a short while Azula turned to read his eyes and face, and asked:
"So, this goddess, she speaks to you when you have a question?"
"That, I did hear it can happen but it's more like, when you look at the flames long enough, with even a shred of devotion, your own soul gives you the answers you were seeking."
Azula weighed what she would say next but made it a point to retort quickly enough before she could give the impression of being impressed or stumped. One of the most painful lessons she ever had to learn was that not all people operate under the same logic, sometimes they weren't even using it. Her father was right of course, people feared punishment and were greedy for reward but it wasn't as simple as she believed when she was younger. Moreover, like she pointed out herself recently, even madness has its methods, why miss the chance to uncover Hakuin's? Thus she tried to find sense where she could, at the moment she found none.
"If your deity isn't answering you, why worship it?"
"Because of the lessons and teachings she left behind from when she walked on this Earth."
Hakuin seemed to be answering from the heart. Azula could detect no hesitation, and no intention to seem smarter than her either, despite him responding to her ignorance. Thinking of her own ancestors and the country and legacy they built, Azula asked:
"So, it's mainly and mostly an offering of gratitude and a respect thing?"
"You put it well."
The princess mused how Hakuin probably heard of her reputation for intelligence and is now intent on flattering her. Perhaps she ought to pose harder questions.
"So you and your landsmen sit before fires, ponder your faith and hope for revelations from your own souls?"
"That's usually the intent, sometimes it's just the joy of reflecting on what has already been learned."
"And you make it a point of doing it often? Staring into your own mind? Thinking about what it told you?"
"Some do it more often than others but no one I know from my island abandons the practice completely. Everyone does it with a regularity suited for them."
Azula had hoped that her questions had sounded curious but not incredulous, though part of her certainly was. Right now she couldn't remember anyone who talked about matters of the mind with both the gravity and ease Hakuin was employing, devoid of cruelty or pity.
There were parts of Azula's mind and spirit she dared not tread herself, for they were more vicious than even the worst punishments she dished out to others, and which hungered for her life's blood. If a normal human being held even a tenth of the darkness she held within herself then any human who voluntarily subjects themselves to facing that and ends up being as effective and fearsome as the Guanyin battalion is certainly someone whose secrets are worth stealing. The princess thus intended to see how much she could make the commander reveal without revealing herself too much.
"So, have you received any revelations and insights lately?"
"None that conflict with the leadership of your family."
The commander's tone was humorous but his conversation partner wasn't as amused as with his first attempt at jesting. Thus he pulled himself together and let her speak the dangerous question that was now on her mind.
"Say you did receive a message that disagreed with my command, what would you do?"
Her tone and stare demanded nothing but absolute honesty, something that despite the pressure and danger, Hakuin had no problem giving.
"I would voice my concerns when given the appropriate chance, but I swore an oath of obedience more sacred than any personal doubts. I've been a soldier for long enough to know what it truly means to be one."
Azula had witnessed and performed enough interrogations and "enhanced interrogations" throughout her life to know that people could sound effortlessly confident when lying and pitifully insecure when telling the truth. The tone Hakuin used was difficult to judge but it and the very fact he even dared to make jokes in her presence led Azula to a conclusion that left her slightly bewildered but also endeared… he trusted her.
Satisfied with that insight she decided to change the topic:
"Aren't you lonely just sitting out here alone?"
Having seemingly understood her reaction of approval, Hakuin responded:
"Even if there's no person around me I can still feel the presence of those I love, my son and my wife. So no, I don't feel lonely right now. Also, you are gracing me with your presence right now and I must say I quite enjoyed our recent talks."
"That's probably because you enjoy talking in itself and feel safe in letting me exploit that weakness of yours."
Hakuin's chuckle led Azula to believe that she both hit a soft spot but that at the same time it wasn't the commander's truest vulnerability. It was slightly infuriating. The days when she made a whole room of grown men shake at their knees with her very presence weren't all too distant. In fact, she enjoyed doing that still. But, she had also learned that people who follow you only out of fear can never be fully relied on. In fact, the pitifully common teenage delusion that one already knows everything at that age had almost cost her everything. It was better to learn something useless than not to learn anything, hence why she kept the current conversation alive.
"You said you could feel the presence of the people who love you, even from afar? Sounds a bit delusional to me."
Judging by his expression, Hakuin didn't seem offended at all, neither did his following words sound defensive or judgemental in the slightest despite the choice of them.
"And you seem somewhat lonely yourself right now. Delusion or not, it keeps me strong and focused in battle. You have witnessed that strength in my son and my men, have you not?"
Now it was time for Azula to slowly yet decisively get to the meat of her inquiry.
"I did wonder where your skills and power come from. Are you trying to throw me off by telling me it's just love?"
"I wouldn't presume to do that, forgive me if I left that impression. Still, it's the essence of it, in a way. Love is more than just a feeling, it's a commitment and a state of mind. In my years I've concluded that all things being equal, the person fighting to defend what they love will inevitably triumph over the person fighting to destroy what they hate."
Azula didn't fail to notice that Hakuin made not one but two statements in response. Though she was curious about how the commander defined love she chose to test his loyalty yet again, see if he would say anything that could entrap him permanently to her side and away from Iroh.
"Is that how you see the war as a whole?"
Hakuin responded with a slight, yet noticeable increase of passion in his voice:
"Regardless of how and why it started, I know our nation and people will perish if we don't win."
The princess paused and looked away for a moment. Her response was formulaic but not entirely disingenuous. The sight of burned, crushed or mutilated bodies could indeed get very tedious after a while, especially when you were expected to remain unbothered by the sight.
"Sometimes I wish the people of the Earth Kingdom would finally see the light, the inevitability of our civilization, have the sense to stand down, instead of forcing us to wipe them out."
To which the commander solemnly added:
"That's why winning this siege is so important. If their king, their living god, can be captured alive and made to tell everyone to lay down their arms, further bloodshed can be avoided."
Sometimes the daily grind and drudgery of campaigning, the endless dreary demands of logistics, could even make the dragon born daughter of the Sun temporarily forget that the conflict everyone was part of was indeed cosmic. But Hakuin's answer satisfied her just enough so she decided to try and use some levity herself.
"I'll keep that in mind. As for you, it's your fortune that you're slightly entertaining, so tell me: How could you presume to know I was lonely? Was it a lucky guess? You didn't strike me as a gambler."
"Same way you just judged that I don't gamble. Some things just linger in the air and one can feel them."
His words instantly reminded Azula of a certain someone and she just as instantly hoped the commander wasn't like that.
"I have a… friend, who prides herself on reading people through their auras. Do you see colors hovering around people when you look at them?"
"No, I do not."
"Praise the Sun!"
Responding to Azula's audible relief, Hakuin added:
"I think I know the type. Sounds like your friend is trying to make a rather common skill appear mystical."
"Well, she was always obsessed with being more special and unique than she is but she was never as calculating as you imply. She seemed to sincerely believe in her magic vision."
"I don't doubt that, some people just correctly observe others around them with the senses given to them but cannot rationally explain it. So they assume their skill is something supernatural."
Azula snickered almost audibly. The observation that some people just can't explain the things they are good at seemed certainly true but no less amusing.
"I'll remember your explanation should I ever need it, though I doubt she would like it."
"Speaking of seeing other people, I remember you announcing you would depart back to the main camp at sunrise. Good sleep makes for easier travel."
Azula felt still humored enough to indulge in Hakuin's polite concern.
"It does, I don't suppose you have an effective potion stored somewhere, seeing that you're staring at a flame instead of sleeping yourself?"
"No, I'm not an alchemist, but I know that sleeping at night can be difficult for a firebender."
"Go on, let me hear your explanation."
Perhaps, she thought, he might, just might have some remedy for her situation. Knowledge does confer a certain power, after all.
"Well, we are the children of the Sun, the night and darkness is therefore our natural opposite, our enemy. Part of our soul is scared of being consumed by it and snuffed out."
"And how do we fight it?"
"By adding fuel to our inner fire, by remembering for what and whom we burn for and keeping our passion alive."
"Is that why you look into the fire? To remember the people you care about?"
"Yes, but it's more than just remembering them with your brain as if they were information from a book."
"Explain."
What the commander said next Azula deemed surprising but also found instantly logical as well.
"Our memories aren't stored just in our heads, but in our bodies and hearts as well. You are one of the greatest firebenders alive. I've heard it very often that you are a prodigy in the skill but you must have spent more than countless hours on training it as well. Every position, every move and motion. You can most likely feel your body moving, your chi flowing just by imagining yourself doing a certain stance."
"Your point being?"
"The same applies to moments of happiness, of love and whatever emotion you value. Try recalling the sensations in your body when you were close to someone you hold dear. Calm your thoughts and just focus on the memory, try picturing it as detailed as possible. Your chi will slowly but surely readjust to the state it was back then and you will likely feel part of or all of the joy you felt at that moment. Then remember that whatever happens, nothing can take that away from you, it was real and it mattered, no matter how brief it was. Similarly, just how you can imagine and feel the moves of a battle in advance, so too can you feel the thought of being reunited with someone you care about."
Instead of commenting on the words, Azula decided to put them into practice. She closed her eyes right where she sat and recalled before her inner eye the moments of tenderness she experienced most recently, Zuko's hug, Lu Ten's kisses. Eventually she brought back moments that happened longer ago and pushed any other thought aside. She had decided to momentarily believe that those weren't "just" memories, but a resource she could always derive strength from. She wasn't quite certain how long she had performed the exercise but sure enough, a sense of warmth and calm did wash over her, slowly at first but with ever growing intensity.
The princess had the sense to temporarily snap out of this new meditative state, thank the commander and find her way back to her tent and bed, where she eagerly continued recalling and imagining until her consciousness seamlessly slipped into much desired sleep.
Sleep, however, would awaken vivid desires in her she had previously not dared to indulge in her waking life. The lively images Azula would see in her dreams consisted of the two men she desired most in her life desiring her, and nothing but her, and fulfilling that desire with her, both at the same time.
The princess awoke in a state of pleasant stupor, only slowly realizing that her dream didn't happen in waking reality. The sense of pleasure was thus replaced by a newfound sense of anger at a glaring injustice. She was promised and assured rulership of her nation and the entire world but wasn't allowed to rule the hearts of more than one man.
The universe was cruel indeed but at least she had found a way to escape it for just a little while.
Duty however, doesn't sleep, even when one tries to avoid it. Thus from the army present, Azula gathered enough men to serve as a strong escort for her trip back to the main camp. She was about to march out when she spotted her brother approaching her. Despite him wearing way more than in her still freshly remembered dream, she did quickly and nervously gulp at his sight; but, steadied herself fast enough to appear appropriately cold.
She was already seated on her komodo-rhino while Zuko was on foot. He stopped walking once he reached the very edge of acceptable conversation distance, looked up at her and tried to speak.
"I want to…"
Unfortunately, his sister didn't have the patience for his boyish insecurities. Not when she knew what kind of strong, confident man he could be, the type she'd be forever drawn to.
"You want what?" she sharply said.
"About yesterday…"
"What about it?"
Her gaze became even sharper and more narrow, piercing him like an arrow. At last Zuko's gaze and body language hardened as well and he said:
"Forget it."
Azula had heard enough. She didn't allow him the pleasure of departing first, as if she was the party unworthy of being talked to. She pulled the reins of her mount and went off on her journey, leaving only dust in her wake.
Around midday, after she had arrived at the main camp, talked with her cousin and promised him a date night, she went to her tent where her two handmaids handed her a letter. She recognized her brother's seal instantly. He must have sent it with their mutual, specially trained falcon not long after they parted ways. She sighed and took a deep breath before opening it to examine the content.
It was just one word. Ever since he had joined the navy it was the word Zuko had used in letters for many years to express how much she meant to him, how fond he still was of her despite everything. Most would never read it that way, but in their mutual language, it meant all of this and more. The word was:
"Bitch."
Azula cursed her brother for his quick apology. Didn't he know that the offended party has the right to stew in anger for at least a little while? He was now trying to take that away from her. She had to think about whether to indulge him right away or leave him hanging for a short but painfully long while. Thus, to help her decide, she went outside to physically train.
By chance, her fiance came across her. Lu Ten saw his baby cousin intensely devoted to performing an awkwardly uncomfortable looking handstand. It was all the indication he needed to know that she was angry at someone or something. He asked:
"Isn't that position rather painful?"
"Pain in training is just the weakness leaving the body."
"You are pretty fond of saying that."
"It's not my fault that it's the truth."
Lu Ten often found her attempts and stance on philosophy just as endearing as her ever more proficient attempts at flirting. He said while smiling:
"Right, just don't damage yourself too much."
"I'll try to be merciful."
He had indeed witnessed his betrothed's cruelty before. Though he certainly didn't believe she was as rotten as his father tried to convince him she was, Lu Ten still knew that when she felt very wronged, someone had to pay, and if that someone wasn't available she would go on and punish herself instead. Thus he asked:
"Hope it wasn't me this time."
"It's like you don't know me my love, if it was you I would have bitten your lip bloody by now."
He couldn't help but chuckle and say:
"Well, I hope YOU didn't forget that whoever it is, I'll pick you over him, no matter if he's in the right or not."
"I know, but I DO love hearing your promises and flatteries time and again."
Lu Ten could sense her mood becoming lighter. He continued with relief in his voice:
"And I love how you still blush when I tell you a particularly good one."
This time Azula visibly smiled.
"Well, then better get out of here before your words make me lose my balance, cousin."
However, he didn't leave. Instead he just remained where he stood, wordless, the warmth of his eyes steadily and surely melting away the strength in Azula's limbs. At last she said:
"Is it always gonna stay like this cousin, even when we become husband and wife? Me poking and prodding you and you responding like the epitome of a clever gentleman?"
"You know, things change after such a ceremony. Perhaps it will be like it's now, perhaps I will exercise my spousal authority and bend you over whenever you misbehave. Respectfully of course."
"Of course… Please don't promise what you do not fully intend to keep. I'll hold you to account on this."
Once again she was reminded of what was the true and most important difference between Lu Ten and any other man: Not only did he see right through her many shields but he never made her feel like a freak for having them in the first place. Quite the opposite. Having someone around with whom she could truly let her guard down made Azula much better at keeping it up around everyone else. It kept her from sinking. Though, she couldn't help but sometimes wish to have more of those moments of trust, to no longer feel like clinging barely above water but soaring through the endless sky instead.
Of course, there was another thing, another one, she clinged to, but it was impossible to tell if he was a raft helping her swim, or a chain dragging her down.
But love was a commitment, a state of mind apparently. Duty could be more than unpleasant too, but faithfully pursuing it afforded a sense of meaning and direction even in the toughest of times. Thus Azula's mind was made up about how she would answer the letter.
After she parted from Lu Ten with a not so chaste but grateful kiss, she sat down in her tent, paper before her, mind focused on writing down the word that would certainly let that heartache of hers know that all was right again:
"Jerk."
She was just starting to feel comfortable and relieved after sending the letter out when one of her handmaids asked for permission to enter the most private part of her tent.
It was granted and Azula received another letter. One whose secret and unique seal sent her heart racing uncomfortably in an instant.
It was from her father.
Back when she had just started her military career, her favorite part of any mission was returning home to her father to bask in his praise and glory. The desire to make him happy was present now still, it had never truly diminished. But the more she craved, the more he demanded, and the fear of failure had risen over the years too. The brighter her star burned, the higher it stood, the more shame it would bring if anything brought her down. She needed an achievement that could never be undone, her destiny depended on the fall of the City, perhaps even more so than her uncle's.
Perhaps she really was as inhuman an abomination as Iroh believed, but was perfection even possible for someone who was a mere human anyway? Time, and the events therein would tell if she was meant to be greater than anyone ever born before or if she would end up being less than nothing, stricken from the records and forgotten even more thoroughly than the infamous Red Bitch.
But even a monster can have attachments…
She opened the letter and read its coded message. Fortunately it didn't contain her greatest fear no matter how often she analyzed it. She had already once obeyed an impossible demand from her father, made an impossible choice without hesitation and it had cost her the childhood friends she held most dear. Not even atonement and forgiveness had repaired the relationships.
Azula wasted no time in crafting a response Ozai would accept.
Of course he deserved to be Fire Lord way more than his brother Iroh, but she sometimes wished the both of them would finally just duel to the death and settle the matter forever. Of course, her uncle would never agree since her father was a much better fighter despite having much less direct military experience, but all possible moves needed to be considered. Perhaps the chance would present itself, and Azula assured her father she would work towards it. She just hoped he would finally see that some sacrifices had simply become unacceptable for her to make.
He had to, right?
Fortunately, the evening dinner with her cousin chased away some of her worries, his retelling of his first engagement with the enemy army right outside the walls was a thrilling joy to hear. She looked forward to fighting alongside him, whether it be a conventional army or the Avatar and his allies that might await them at the Northern Temple.
Lu Ten casually and briefly mentioned that his father had protested the mission but he convinced him with ease. Despite loving to hear it from his mouth, Azula didn't push her fiance to talk unfavorably about his father. She just enjoyed the funny seeming thought she suddenly had that if Iroh could never refuse his son, and Lu Ten could never truly refuse her, it meant she was more powerful and influential than the legendary Dragon of the West.
All these memories, thoughts and events swarmed Azula's head in the morning of the day she was meant to march in the direction of the Temple, eliminate a would-be threat and do her duty together with a person she loved. She couldn't allow anything to stand in her way, least of all her own mind, thus she tried and succeeded in performing the recently learned exercise again. She soon felt more calm without becoming sleepy.
It was in that moment of reflection that Azula realized something about herself. She had grown to hate many people, sometimes at first sight, but she had never stopped loving anyone whom she had let into her heart. It explained why she was so reluctant to let anyone new enter. Of course, someone ill-intentioned knowing her weaknesses and true emotions was an unacceptable risk in itself, but the pain of being despised by someone she held dear was one she had never truly learned to heal from. Perhaps she was growing too old to ignore that her heart knew fear, and too mature to believe in her own lies any longer.
She might not have all the answers yet but she knew with solemn certainty that she would never go down without fighting. Even if destiny turned out to be working against her…
Destiny be damned.