The sky was a mask of soft grey clouds, blocking out the rising sun, and the first snow of the season was drifting down to blanket the forest floor when Sedgestar called the clan-meeting. Frostmask sat next to Lizardpaw in front of the holly bush that formed the apprentices' den as the clan gathered. She kept her gaze upturned towards Sedgestar on Clanrock to stop her eyes from wandering to a familiar dark ginger pelt across camp.

Frostmask's stomach flipped, her jaw clenching at just the thought of him. After the disaster in the woods a quarter moon ago, Frostmask had been so horribly embarrassed, and she still was, truthfully. The entire situation was so awkward that it made her want to crawl out of her own pelt, but she had known that no matter what she was feeling, she had to apologize. So, she'd sought him out afterwards and that's what she did.

But, Autumnleap had been so upset. He was so upset. He didn't act like it. He didn't seem angry. He hadn't even raised his voice at all when Frostmask had told him that she was sorry. She had tried to read the emotions in his eyes then, but they were carefully blank. All he had said was "It's fine," without meeting her gaze, and somehow those two words hurt her more than any yowls could.

Frog-brain! Frostmask scolded herself, digging her claws into the ground.

Her heart twisted in pain. She wished she hadn't been such a mouse-heart. Running away from him seemed like the worst thing she could've done in that moment. And, she wished that she wasn't still being so cowardly now. For the past few days, she'd been throwing herself into training Lizardpaw to avoid him. The only time when she and Autumnleap were even close physically was when they were sleeping in the warriors' den together. And, even then, their pelts no longer brushed.

Frostmask exhaled sharply through her nose. She felt like a dark cloud hung over her head, turning the world around her gloomy and grey, but she didn't know what to do, or who to turn to, or how to fix it! Without Autumnleap, who did she have really? Swoopstrike was gone…

Frostmask's ears flattened. Lizardpaw noticed her expression and shot her a concerned look.

You okay? he signed.

Frostmask blinked, then tried to refocus herself, jerking her head like she was shaking off cold water. She nodded to Lizardpaw, and started listening to Sedgestar, who was speaking. Frostmask blinked in surprise that she absorbed in her thoughts, she had missed most of the clan meeting. She forced herself to pay attention.

Mosspounce and Murmurstep had just been made warriors in a clan meeting the evening before, and Sedgestar was following that up with another ceremony this morning. He was now making Buzzardkit, Cedarkit, Cricketkit, and Hollowkit apprentices. Cricketkit had recently recovered from her fit of whitecough, but Buzzardkit was still sick, along with some of the elders. So, although he was getting his mentor today, he still wouldn't be able to start training until he was fully healed.

It looked like Buzzardpaw had already been assigned Kestrelmoon as his mentor, judging by the way the two were sitting close to each other. Buzzardpaw had been allowed to sit outside the medicine cat's den entrance at the base of Clanrock, but Frostmask felt a pang of worry about how weak he looked. His posture was hunched over and his eyes were ringed with red and swollen up, but he seemed happy for himself and his littermates. Hollowpaw was sitting next to Rowanheart, who must be her mentor. And, Cedarpaw next to Dampfang…

Dampfang!

Frostmask felt the fur on her shoulder's rise, but she gave her head a sharp shake, and glanced over to Cricketpaw, the last ceremony.

"—Pineshade, you are ready to take on an apprentice. You have received excellent training from Grovepelt, and you have shown yourself to be intelligent and brave. You will be the mentor of Cricketpaw, and I expect you to pass on all you know to her," Sedgestar said.

Frostmask blinked in surprise. But, as Pineshade walked over to the grey-and-cream tortoiseshell, Frostmask couldn't help but purring softly. Pineshade's amber eyes were bright and eager as she touched noses with the small statured Cricketpaw.

Pineshade will be a good mentor.

"Buzzardpaw! Hollowpaw! Cedarpaw! Cricketpaw!" The clan cheered, and Frostmask along with them.

"Stay on the look out for sickness, everyone," Sedgestar meowed to conclude the ceremony. "We still have whitecough in the camp, and we don't want it spreading around to everyone. If you are feeling bad, please go see Clearstream or Elmclaw."

Sedgestar bounded down from the Clanrock, dislodging the little bit of snow that had collected on his pelt as he sat. As cats began to pad away, the clan meeting over, Frostmask rose to her paws and hesitated.

Should I go congratulate Pineshade?

Frostmask glanced in her direction. Poolcloud, Redclaw, Weaseltail, Grovepelt, and Autumnleap were over there now, surrounding her and chatting happily. Frostmask felt her heart fall down to her stomach as she glanced at Autumnleap, and she ducked her face away from them, her ears flattening. Frostmask started to turn away when she heard a voice call her name.

"Frostmask."

Her ears pricked back up in surprise. It was Grovepelt.

He was padding over to her from Pineshade. Frostmask turned to the deputy, dipping her head to him respectfully. But, when she glanced back up, she couldn't stop her brow from furrowing in concern when she notice he was walking with a slight limp.

"Hi Grovepelt, how are you doing?" Frostmask meowed.

Grovepelt's whiskers twitched faintly.

"You're asking about my limp?" he said.

Frostmask's ears began to heat in embarrassment that he had so easily seen through her question, but Grovepelt just shook his head.

"No, no it's alright," he said with a brief purr. "This weather has just got my joints feeling stiff, that's all."

Frostmask nodded, and Grovepelt tilted his head to study her, his green eyes kind.

"Anyway though, I came over here to check on you, not for you to check on me. Is everything alright?" he meowed.

"Oh! Uh—" Frostmask said, her eyes widening in surprise. "Yeah, um, everything is fine. Lizardpaw's training is going well…"

Grovepelt shook his head, gently interrupting her.

"I wasn't asking about Lizardpaw," he meowed. "I was asking about you."

Frostmask felt her stomach flip with nerves, and Grovepelt turned to Lizardpaw.

"Why don't you go get some breakfast?" he meowed to the apprentice. "I'm just going to talk to Frostmask for a bit."

Lizardpaw's eyes were round with curiosity, but he nodded obediently to the deputy, turning and padding off to the fresh-kill pile. Grovepelt inclined his head towards some shelter from the snow that the branches of the holly bush offered.

"Let's get out of this weather," he said, his voice genial. "This snow's not doing my joints any favors."

Frostmask nodded and trailed after him as he led her to the clear patch of ground, her tail dragging on the snow. She couldn't help but feeling like she was a wayward apprentice about to be scolded. But, it was nice to be out of the wet snow for a bit as they settled in under the holly branches.

"You seem sad, Frostmask," Grovepelt meowed, not missing a beat.

Frostmask blinked in surprise at the blunt statement, but Grovepelt's voice was gentle and concerned, not accusatory. Frostmask stared down and shrugged half-heartedly.

"I haven't been in the best mood for the past couple moons," she muttered the admission at her paws.

"I know losing Swoopstrike must be hard for you," Grovepelt empathized in a quiet voice.

Frostmask's ears went flat against her head as her stomach twisted. The last thing she wanted to dwell on right now with everything else going on was how much she missed her mentor. Grovepelt gave a small nod as if to accept her silence.

"I know how difficult grief can be. I'm not a stranger to loss either… I was a young cat when my mate died."

Grovepelt's voice was so soft Frostmask almost thought she could've imagined it. But, when she glanced over at him, he was gazing out into the camp with green eyes that welled with grief, as if he was talking about a tragedy that happened only yesterday, and not something seasons upon seasons ago.

"Her name was Honeyfall," Grovepelt murmured the name with such sorrow and tenderness, Frostmask's heart clenched painfully for him. "And, I loved her and our kits more than life itself. But, I was a different cat back then, as a young warrior. Brash, reckless, fearless."

Grovepelt shook his head.

"And, so very foolish," he said, growling the words out if he was cursing himself. "She died during a ThunderClan raid. A tragic accident, but I couldn't accept that at the time. I was filled with thoughts of vengeance. I tried to talk our leader into striking back at ThunderClan in revenge. She refused me, wisely so, but I did it anyway. I went behind her back, and I gathered up a group of hotheaded warriors like myself… including my kits, Cardinalstripe and Juniperhaze. StarClan, they were so young… Younger than you are now. They had just gotten their warrior names, and they wanted revenge for the death of their mother as I did. But, now I think that they were doing it mostly to please me. If I had not been so consumed by revenge then they—"

Grovepelt paused to inhale a long, deep breath, as if he was bracing himself for what came next.

"Our attack on ThunderClan was a disaster," he muttered the words in a low voice. "Cardinalstripe and Juniperhaze were killed. Cardinalstripe during the battle, and Juniperhaze the next morning from her wounds… Afterwards I wanted to die. I thought StarClan had kept me alive as a punishment for my behavior, for breaking the Warrior Code, and every night I would lie awake, wishing that they let me be killed too. It would've been easier than living with the suffering. The grief and the guilt, missing my mate and my kits, and knowing that they died because of me."

Grovepelt's head sagged down as if the very weight of the words pressed down onto his back. Frostmask could do nothing but stare at the deputy with eyes round with sympathy, not knowing what to say.

Grovepelt blinked hard several times as if he was trying to pull himself out of the memories and bring him back to the present. He glanced over at Frostmask.

"I lived in that darkness for many moons. I had no will to live. I'm still convinced that I would've died back then when my sorrow finally consumed me, if it wasn't for a few new bonds I made," Grovepelt murmured. "I know it did not happen all at once… but one day, it felt like I blinked, and I realized that I had something to live for again: A timid little kit with awkwardly long legs, and ears and paws much too big for his body…"

Grovepelt's voice cracked with emotion, but then he laughed, shaking his head as his shoulders vibrated with gentle purrs.

"Sedgestar saved me. Although if you were to ask him, he'd tell you it was the other way around," Grovepelt's expression was deeply fond as he turned his eyes back out towards the snowy camp. "Anyway, you may think that these are just the ramblings of some sad, old cat. But, my point is you are not alone, Frostmask. In the depths of grief, everything may seem dark, but that's not the truth. When wandering in that fog, it is so easy to only see the darkness. It requires no effort. You may even feel like you deserve to live in it forever. But, there is still light and life out there, if you only have the strength to seek it out. Or, allow yourself to look at the light when it comes to you."

Frostmask stared down at her paws, her ears flat against her head.

"But, weren't you scared of losing Sedgestar too?" she murmured to the ground. "Like your kits?"

Grovepelt turned his head to look at her with a gentle gaze.

"Of course I was," he meowed. "Truthfully, I still am. But, no one can live with a closed heart forever. If I had… if I had never grown to love Sedgestar as my son… Well, my life wouldn't've been worth living."

Frostmask lifted her chin to gaze out into camp. She was searching for Autumnleap's ginger fur, but he wasn't there.

"The first step is always the hardest," Grovepelt murmured. "The first new connection is the most painful. You're right. It's scary to think you may again feel the same pain you once did. It's only natural to want to protect yourself. And, sometimes it feels like a betrayal to the ones you lost. How could I love someone as much as I loved my mate? My kits? But, that's no way to honor their memory. To live the rest of your life in misery… They wouldn't want that for you."

Frostmask was still looking out into camp, and instead of ginger fur, her eyes found a dark pelt. Pineshade was still in the clearing, talking with Cricketpaw. Grovepelt followed Frostmask's gaze with his own.

"It gets easier," he continued. "After the first, you find more. More things to love. More purposes to live for."

Frostmask lowered her gaze back down to her paws, and there was a beat of silence.

"I noticed you didn't go congratulate Pineshade after the ceremony," Grovepelt said.

Frostmask glanced over at him, but his gaze remained resting on his former apprentice. Frostmask dipped her head in concession, feeling some shame prick at her pelt.

"I don't presume to know what happened between you two," Grovepelt continued. "Or if that's part of what's causing your sad mood. But, I wanted to make sure you know that you mean a lot to Pineshade. Even if she has trouble telling you that."

Frostmask blinked, her ears pricking up a bit. But, when she glanced back at Pineshade, and her ears went flat again.

"She's with Dampfang now." The words slipped out of Frostmask's mouth without her even meaning to say them.

Grovepelt glanced at her from the corner of his eye, and Frostmask bowed her head in embarrassment, her pelt prickling. She felt foolish sharing her petty drama with Grovepelt when he seemed to have suffered so much more in his life than she had. He also had running a clan to worry about, not her silly problems… but it was too late for her to take the words back now.

"She cares about him more than me," Frostmask murmured down at the ground.

"There's always room in someone's heart for more than one cat," Grovepelt meowed quietly.

Frostmask's tail twitched, and she didn't respond right away. But, Grovepelt just gazed at her patiently, waiting for her to continue.

"I know. It's not that…" Frostmask mumbled. "It's just that Dampfang hasn't treated her very well in the past. Or, been very nice to me either… But, Pineshade's back with him anyway. It makes me feel like she doesn't care about me. And…"

Frostmask's voice trailed off, and she sighed softly.

"And, you're afraid that he may hurt you again? Or, he may hurt her again?" Grovepelt asked.

Frostmask nodded mutely. Grovepelt was silent for a moment.

"You don't have to like Dampfang to still be friends with Pineshade," Grovepelt said, his voice gentle. "I know you're worried about her, but if you want to support her, aren't you better off being her friend? What if something does happen with Dampfang, would she tell you about it right now? Would you be able to help her, if you and her aren't even speaking?"

Frostmask's brow furrowed. …Truthfully, she hadn't thought about it that way. She glanced over at Grovepelt.

"But, it still feels like she picked him over me," Frostmask meowed.

She knew she sounded like a petulant kit, but she was unable to ignore that feeling of hurt. Grovepelt tilted his head at her.

"Do you think that's what Pineshade intended?" he meowed quietly. "Does she see it that way?"

Frostmask's ears flattened as she recalled Pineshade's pleading voice, asking Frostmask to understand. How she vowed that if Dampfang did anything to Frostmask, she would end her relationship with him.

"No…" Frostmask murmured.

Grovepelt was silent for a moment.

"Why don't you talk to Pineshade about it?" he suggested gently. "Cricketpaw isn't cleared yet for full duties, since she's still a bit weak from whitecough, so she can't do a full territory tour today. But, you and Pineshade could take her and Lizardpaw on a patrol down the WindClan border. How does that sound?"

Frostmask nodded slowly.

"Alright, Grovepelt," she murmured, getting to her paws. "…And, thank you."

Grovepelt gazed at her kindly.

"Anytime," he said with a purr.

He looked like he was back to his calm, friendly self, the grief that had marred his features earlier washed away.

Frostmask dipped her head to him.

"Sedgestar is lucky to have you. And, so is the rest of ShadowClan," she said quietly. "I'm glad you found something new to live for."

Grovepelt blinked and looked at her with fond eyes.

"Thank you, Frostmask," he meowed. "So am I."

Frostmask padded back into the snow and signaled Lizardpaw over to her. He had finished eating and was just waiting by the Clanrock. He came trotting back over to her, his expression inquisitive.

"Grovepelt wants us to go on a patrol down the WindClan border with Pineshade and Cricketpaw," she said, omitting the rest of their more personal conversation.

Hollowpaw, Cedarpaw, Rowanheart, and Dampfang were already gone, maybe to go tour the territory. Buzzardpaw had returned to the medicine cats' den, but Cricketpaw and Pineshade were still in camp, talking to each other. Frostmask padded up to the black-furred she-cat slowly. Her paws dragged on the snowy ground, and she felt nerves swirling in her stomach.

"Hey," she meowed softly.

Pineshade's ears pricked, and she stopped talking to Cricketpaw, turning to Frostmask. Her amber eyes were a bit wary.

"Hey," Pineshade muttered in response.

Frostmask scuffled her paws in the snow.

"Uh, I know Cricketpaw's still recovering from whitecough, so Grovepelt suggested that we take our apprentices on a patrol down the WindClan border… since she can't do a full territory tour today," Frostmask said, forcing herself to hold Pineshade's gaze. "If that's okay with you?"

Pineshade began to nod slowly.

"Alright," she meowed.

Frostmask felt a stirring of relief in her chest.

"Should we get going?" she meowed, and Pineshade nodded, signaling for Frostmask to lead the way.

Together the four of them padded out the thorn barrier.

Author's Note: So, so sorry this took so long! Ugh this "chapter" was a real hot mess… This is just a fraction of the "chapter" that I wrote. But, it turned into a much-too-long tonally-incoherent monstrosity, and I got frustrated and had to take a break. But, after that much needed reprieve, I was able to look at it with fresh eyes, hack at, it and finally make it make sense. So, I've ended up splitting this "chapter" into 3 chapters lol (with this being the first.) The 2nd installment should be up more quickly than this one took because it's essentially done, just needs a bit of tweaking.

Anyway, onto my thoughts about this chapter: writing Grovepelt's dialogue was really emotionally for me. I struggle with depression, and so my feelings around that were something I poured into his words. I hope it resonates with some of you as much as it did with me.

When Grovepelt retires, he should start a new position as clan-therapist lol.

I hope everyone is doing well, and thanks for reading and reviewing!

Reviews:

Brian.H.H: Thank you! Yeah poor Autumnleap :( And, we finally got the heart-to-heart with Grovepelt you've been predicting! I thought it was fun to share some of his background and the reason he's the way he is.

Pandere: Thank you! Yeah, I wanted both Autumnleap and Frostmask to be sympathetic. Next chapter is going to have a lot of Lizardpaw! I like him a lot too.

Avalanche: We'll have to wait and see! But, their love-story definitely isn't over yet!

Kitty-Guardian Hootryd: Thank you! Yeah, I try to make Sedgestar seem like a pretty active leader. And, you're definitely right both Autumnleap and her need to grow up a bit more and work out some of their individual issues for them to make a good couple.

SavvySpirit: Their love-story definitely isn't over yet!

Shyswan: Hahaha I'm sorry! It's great to have you reading though, and I'm really impressed you read all of it in an hour! Thanks for your reviews! And, to answer your earlier question about cat breeds, I imagine May is a grey-point ragdoll! So, Frostmask is similar in appearance to her, but she's a grey-lynx point so she has stripes :)