With a resigned sigh, Louis followed Molly and Ethan out of the kitchen, whom he noted continued to hold hands. He supposed they really weren't trying to hide anything after all.
It wasn't until they were outside and the teams separated into boys and girls that Louis finally caught sight of Jill, who noticed him as well and gave him a smile and a quick wave. She had her soft, light brown hair pulled back in a French braid that fell almost halfway down her back. He hadn't realized how long it had grown. It was one of the most beautiful things he'd ever seen.
Snap out of it, Louis, he mentally chided himself, attempting to casually return her greeting. He was dangerously close to staring a bit too obviously.
Shaking his head as if to clear it, Louis wondered when it had gotten this bad. He hadn't acted like a love-struck fool around her while they were at school. And while it was true she was pretty - and he acknowledged that his bias meant he probably thought she was prettier than the average person would - he'd never found it to be in a way that rendered him unable to properly function. But whatever immunity he'd built up to her had gone completely out the window. And it probably all came back to his stupid plan.
If it weren't for the fact that he actually planned to talk to her and make a move, and if it weren't for the fact that he'd actually let himself picture what could happen between them, he'd probably be perfectly capable of having a normal conversation with her. As things stood - with his heart pounding, his head fuzzy, and his brow sweaty - he'd be lucky to string together a coherent sentence that wouldn't make him sound like a total idiot.
Did this mean he'd have to abandon his plan for the sake of his dignity? He really didn't want to end up looking like a fool and lose any shot he might have with her, but he really didn't like the idea of not having a plan. Plans helped get things done. Plans were things you could count on, right?
"Lou! You're on my right!" James hollered, forcing Louis to forget any plans for the moment as James tossed the Quaffle to Teddy. Louis mounted his broom and followed after James. He hadn't been paying attention when his cousin had given people their positions, so he took note as Hugo flew to the hoops, Scorpius joined him and James, and Fred and Lorcan wielded bats. He didn't need to look around to know Al would be playing Seeker.
As they lined up to start, he checked to see who was starting things off for the girls, not that surprised to find Jill not in the starting lineup. Not only was it tradition for as many members of the family to start things off as possible, but Jill really wasn't very good at Quidditch. She actually flew quite well, but only when both of her hands were firmly holding onto her broom. It was a bit of a relief actually that she wasn't playing. It would be easier for Louis to stay focused that way.
The girls were taking their positions as well. Rose was in the hoops, Violet and Lucy wielding bats, Molly, Dom, and Roxanne in the Chaser positions, and Lily, of course, ready to race Al for the Snitch. Louis' future Captain had a look of determination on her face that was a bit frightful to behold. He thought for a moment to warn Al to expect some rough play from his sister, but then Teddy was blowing a whistle, all the balls were released, and play had begun.
One thing Louis had always loved about Quidditch was the ability it gave him to turn his mind off to everything else. All there was in the world were him, his broom, the Quaffle, his teammates, and his opponents. Even after spending a year on the school team, this match was still the one he enjoyed playing in most. He'd missed getting to jeer at his sister, who gave it back just as good. He enjoyed getting to play with Al and Scorpius, who were normally on the opposing side. He got to laugh with his cousins and his friends, enjoying the competition but not taking it too seriously. It had always been more about the time spent together and the fun they had than anything else.
But this year, as the lightly falling rain threatened to come down harder, things didn't seem fun. They didn't seem lighthearted. They seemed tense and charged. And it was because Lily was fiercely flying around the pitch, snapping out instructions to her teammates, making less than playful jabs at her opponents, and continuing to scowl as if they'd all seriously wronged her.
Play continued for half an hour, the weather matching the dark edge that Lily was bringing to the game. James was growing frustrated, obviously wanting to restrain his sister but knowing there really wasn't much he could do. Dom had yelled at her a few times to back off, but this had mostly just served to egg her on. And as Teddy blew the whistle signaling it was time for players to sub out, Louis watched Caleb fly up to the hoops to relieve Hugo, who was shaking his head, a look of resigned disappointment on his face. Louis had to admit he felt the same.
He'd hoped things would start to get better. He'd hoped she'd at least try to be civil. But Lily Potter was showing them that not only could she hold a grudge, but having her as a Quidditch Captain was probably going to be hell.
After being relieved by Bobby Finnigan, Louis landed on the sidelines, giving a breathless thanks to Molly, who'd joined him on the ground and handed him a bottle of water.
"Quit holding up the fucking game!"
Louis groaned at the sound of the voice that carried all across the yard and above the sound of the now steadily falling rain. He and Molly shared a foreboding look before turning to look up at where Lily was now flying past the hoops that Hugo was still talking to Caleb in front of. Louis watched nervously as Caleb's jaw clenched and his eyes hardened. Hugo threw a glance Lily's way as she sped off before he gripped Caleb's arm and spoke to him in an undertone. Caleb gave a tense nod before Hugo clapped him on the back. He was about to fly down when Lily - having circled the pitch - made her way back to them. And Louis knew things were about to fall apart.
"Oi! Quit dawdling!" she snapped at them. "You think everyone likes getting fucking drenched? You think it'll give you an advantage to hold things up? Or are you just so excited to be best pals that you have to take every chance you get to joke around and gossip and not give two shits about the rest of us?"
Everyone had stopped whatever they were doing to stare at Lily as she laid into Hugo and Caleb, both of whom appeared to be trying to control their anger.
"Lay off, Lily," said Hugo, his voice steady as he leveled her with a hard stare. "Worry about your own team."
Lily hovered closer to her cousin, her hands on her hips as she held onto the broom with her knees. "Well, seeing as Wood here is part of my team, I think it's within my right to be concerned about his lack of discipline. Plan on lazing about in front of the hoops all season?" she shot at Caleb, addressing him for the first time since they'd broken up. "Do I need to plan on looking for someone a bit more capable?"
"Lay off, Lily," Hugo repeated, his tone seething as he moved closer to his cousin, positioning himself so he was slightly between her and a now fuming Caleb. "Today's not about you asserting yourself as Captain. It's supposed to be about friendly competition and having a good laugh, which you've now completely ruined!"
He gestured to everyone that was watching them. No one seemed eager to interfere, and Louis was grateful that the parents had chosen to forgo the rain and stay inside this year.
"I didn't ruin anything!" she shouted, now almost nose-to-nose with Hugo as they drifted closer together. "You did! And you keep ruining things! You'd think we were never really friends, and I'm starting to wonder if we ever were!"
They'd seamlessly come to the non-Quidditch related root of the problem, and Louis felt his gut clench in pain for Hugo, the look of hurt on his face obvious. To him, at least.
"Stop it, Lily!" said Caleb, flying up beside Hugo and looking at Lily with hurt and frustration. "You know none of that's true. This is all just as much your fault as anyone else's."
"My fault?!" she said, her voice high and almost hysterical as she looked between Caleb and Hugo, whom she pointed at accusingly. "Everything would be fine if he'd left well enough alone!"
"And I apologized for all of that!" Hugo hollered, his temper finally starting to get the best of him. "Why can't you just fucking let it go? You're only hurting everyone more!"
"All right, that's enough!" Teddy hollered. He'd hopped on a broom and was now hovering next to Lily, whose eyes were glassy as she looked ready to scream at Hugo. "If you lot can't-"
He was interrupted by a bright flash of lightning that was quickly followed by a loud rumble of thunder. And then Harry was sticking his head out the back door as the rain began to fall harder, hollering for them to come in out of the storm.
Louis found himself volunteering to help Teddy and James quickly pack up the gear. He lost track of Caleb and Hugo and Lily. He didn't have it in him to care at the moment anyway. It was a fucking mess and there was nothing he could do about it. No way he could help. He'd probably even helped cause what had happened just now. Lily had come outside earlier, knowing full well she'd have to see Hugo. Had she been planning to talk to him and then Louis' careless comment that seemed to communicate to her that they were fine without her changed her mind? It certainly seemed so. Hadn't she made a jab about the fact that they were "best pals"?
Trying not to blame himself too much, Louis followed after Teddy and James as they made their way back towards the house, trying to ignore their whispered conversation about what had just happened.
He let out a shiver as he stepped into the crowd of people in the Potters' house and the door shut behind him. Even though it was raining, it was still warm out, and the cool temperature of the house made him aware of just how soaked through he was.
"Here, let me," said a soft voice, the sound causing his heart to skip a beat and his breath to catch in his throat. It was immediately followed by a rush of warmth that seeped into his bones, both metaphorically and physically as Jill cast a drying charm on him. And he found he was no longer nervous to face her, the idea of her presence comforting and welcome after the train wreck that had just happened.
"Thanks," he said, turning to face her and smiling genuinely for what felt like the first time in forever. Jill gave him a soft smile in return, already dry herself, her hair a bit ruffled but still just as beautiful as ever.
"Are you all right?" she asked, her usual light and chipper voice soft and concerned as she took a step closer to him. He'd barely heard the question with everyone carrying on around them, but her concern for him was obvious in her eyes. "I know this whole thing has been hard for you too. I've been wanting to check in on you, but I didn't know if that would be okay."
She was nervous. The way she was biting her lip and looking at him uncertainly, rolling her wand between her hands the way she always did right before a big exam or something equally as nerve wracking. The thought gave him a bit more courage.
"It would've been more than okay," Louis answered honestly, and was delighted to see Jill's eyes brighten and a timid smile tug at her lips. "I know I was a bit of a prat the last few months," Louis continued, his hand going up to nervously scratch the back of his neck, "but I don't want you to think you can't talk to me or that I don't want to be your friend. Because I definitely do, even though I've been rubbish at it."
"Don't worry about it," said Jill with a dismissive wave. "The last thing I want to do is hold onto things that really aren't worth holding onto."
Louis smiled in relief, wanting desperately to pull her into a hug. Friends did that type of thing, right? He could hug her and it not be weird. Show that he truly meant what he'd said and that he appreciated her words as well.
Or he could go through with his plan, which didn't leave much room for her to doubt what his true intentions were.
He glanced outside, cursing the fact that it was raining. It was so much harder to find some privacy when everyone was so crammed together. Then again, maybe there were enough people that it would enable them to go mostly unnoticed.
With a nervous gulp, Louis took a step closer to Jill, forcing her to look up to be able to meet his gaze. "You're right," he said, his voice soft yet strong as determination swept over him. "We've wasted enough time on rubbish like that. And seeing as this is going to be our last year at school and I really don't want to waste anymore time, there's something I've been wanting to do that I haven't gotten around to yet."
Jill looked at him curiously. "What is it?"
Louis took a steadying breath before running his hand through his still slightly damp hair. "The first chance we get, I was wondering if you'd like to go to Hogsmeade with me."
His heart was beating rapidly as Jill's eyes widened in surprise. Her cheeks turned pink at his sincere gaze, and she gave a nervous cough before focusing her eyes on her hands that were now gripping her wand tightly.
"You mean...together?" she asked tentatively, risking a glance up at him. "Just us?"
Thousands of responses rolled through Louis' head, from sarcastic to embarrassingly honest to indifferent. But all he could do was hold her gaze and nod. He watched with bated breath as a nervous smile began to grow on her face and she opened her mouth to respond.
"Louis, I-"
"There you are!" came Fred's exasperated voice from much too close. He clapped a hand on Louis' shoulder a moment later, ignoring the scowl his younger cousin shot him at being interrupted. "You're needed upstairs."
"Why?" Louis asked, not even attempting to mask his annoyance. Fred seemed equally annoyed as well.
"Because Lily's locked herself in the bathroom and says she'll only talk to you."
There was a pounding on the door that matched the pounding in her head. Lily was trying and failing to calm down, her breathing labored and her eyes squeezed tightly shut as she sat on the floor with her back against the tub. Her arms were wrapped around her legs as she rested her forehead against her knees.
Why had she done that? Why couldn't she just let it be?
Earlier, she'd had every intention of going outside to talk to Hugo, but as soon as she saw him getting on perfectly fine with Caleb - better than fine, even - followed by Louis telling her they'd all been spending the weeks together while she'd been lonely and miserable, she'd lost it.
And who could blame her, really, she reasoned. She'd spent the past few weeks thinking that if they weren't as miserable as she was, they were at least as lonely. But that wasn't true at all.
It made her feel more alone than ever.
She knew she'd been selfish. Her new discoveries and her outburst during the Quidditch match hadn't changed that. But Rose had said Hugo missed her. That he was lonely and miserable, when he was neither of those things. Aside from the fact that it hurt that they seemed to be moving on without her, Lily also found it even more difficult to comprehend talking to either one of them now. What were the chances that they'd come to the conclusion that, even if she were to apologize, she'd screwed up to the point that they didn't even care to have her in their lives anymore? That they were fine without her?
The pounding on the door sounded again, this time accompanied by her brother's voice demanding entrance.
"Go away, Al!" she hollered back.
"Lily, come on," said Rose. "What happened? I thought you were going to-"
"Whatever you thought, you were wrong!" Lily yelled back. "Now please, both of you, just go away."
She heard a few different voices conversing quietly. At least three. She was thankful that none of them had thought to pull their wands to unlock the door. Either that or they were just considerate enough to not disturb her unless she let them.
"Lily, you should at least talk to someone, okay?" said Erin. "Do you want your mum or Lucy or-"
"Louis," she said suddenly, surprising even herself a bit. "I'll only talk to Louis."
There was some whispering and shuffling around outside the door before she heard someone running off and down the stairs. It was probably a good five minutes later when there was another knock on the door, this one much softer than her brother's pounding.
"Lily?" she heard Louis say in a slightly hesitant voice. "You okay?"
For some reason, that soft, uncertain question was all it took. She was off the floor and pulling open the door a second later, a sob escaping her as soon as she took in Louis' confused expression. It turned to one of concern as he stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.
"What-?"
He didn't finish his question, most likely too shocked to do so when Lily wound her arms around his waist and began sobbing in earnest, her face buried in his chest. He only hesitated a second before his arms were around her shoulders and holding her tightly to him, one hand moving to rub her back every now and then as he tried to soothe her.
"I can't - I can't do this anymore, Lou," she practically wailed into his chest. "I can't act like it doesn't hurt, and - and I can't fix it. I've never been able to fix it. I've never - never been enough. I'm never going to be good enough."
She let her sobs overtake her again, absentmindedly noting that Louis had frozen at her words, though he still held her tightly.
"What the hell are you on about, Lily?" he asked, shock and confusion in his voice.
"You know it's true," she said, sniffling violently as she pulled away from him to wipe at her eyes, anger and frustration battling with brokenness and hopelessness. "It's been true for a long time."
Louis let out a sigh of frustration and stepped away from Lily, his eyes harsh as he crossed his arms and looked down at her. "If this is just going to be you feeling sorry for yourself and looking for someone to tell you what you want to hear, I'm not going to do that."
Lily took in the resolve in his eyes and let out a shaky sigh in defeat before turning away from him, walking slowly back to her previous position. She sank down to the floor and attempted to control her tears as she leaned back against the tub.
"I'm sorry," she managed to get out. "I know I'm not your favorite person right now, so you shouldn't have to stay here and listen to me blather on about my problems that are all completely my fault to begin with."
She sniffled again, not looking at Louis and continuing to dry her eyes as the tears kept falling. Part of her truly expected him to leave, but she heard her cousin sigh before moving to stand in front of her. He sank down onto the ground and sat across from her, his legs folded and his hands clasped loosely in his lap as Lily cautiously met his gaze. There was no pity in his eyes. He seemed curious and a bit frustrated and maybe even slightly concerned.
"What's this really about?" he asked, his voice soft but determined. "Why'd you want to talk to me?"
Lily shrugged, averting her eyes and pulling her knees up so she could rest her chin on them and wrap her arms around her legs. "Because you're going to be honest with me. Like you said, you're not just going to tell me what I want to hear. Anyone else I could talk to, I wouldn't trust them to see things exactly how they are and tell it like it is. But you probably will. You already have."
Louis shifted so his knees were up, his arms resting across them as she felt his eyes studying her. "Well," he said with a sigh, "seeing as I was pulled away from something at a very inconvenient time, I'll do my best to make this worth it."
Lily looked at him, a bit stung by his obvious displeasure in being there, but curious as well. "Pulled away from what?"
"Doesn't matter," he said with a shrug. "Apparently."
"You don't need to make me feel guilty, okay?" she snapped. "I feel horrible enough as it is. And you didn't have to come."
"Like it's possible to say no to you?" he said with a roll of his eyes.
"Plenty of people have done it," she said, knowing she sounded a bit pitiful. "The last few weeks have been a pretty good example of that."
"All right," he said in frustration, folding his legs down in front of him again and leaning slightly forward, his blonde hair falling across his forehead as he looked at her. "Seeing as the last few months were a complete mess because none of us seem to be able to talk to each other, you're going to talk to me. You're going to tell me everything that's bothering you and everything you're feeling, no matter how inconsequential or stupid it is or how uncomfortable it makes either of us. Because this has been going on too damn long and I don't see how it could get much worse. And as much as I might hate it, talking is going to be the only way we fix any of this. So out with it."
Lily looked at her cousin with wide eyes. Louis had always been resistant to talking about anything too emotional or personal, usually brushing it off as soft and unimportant. She remembered when Victoire moved out and Dom had been noticeably upset, but Louis had shrugged it off, acting like it was no big deal and even seeming annoyed with the moving process and that he'd rather be anywhere else. He was the same about Victoire and Teddy's wedding. She wasn't sure she'd ever seen him cry. So the fact that he was sitting here and not only willing to do this, but insisting on it, compelled her more than anything else anyone could have said to convince her to talk.
"I just… It hurt, okay?" she said, her voice cracking with the pain as her eyes filled with tears again, unable to meet Louis' gaze as she bore her soul. "Seeing them all fine and enjoying themselves. It's not that I don't want them to be happy, because even when I've been bloody furious with them I've wanted that, but does it have to be without me?"
She paused, her voice shaking too much to be able to form coherent words. Louis just watched her patiently until she got her breathing under control and continued.
"It's happened before, you know," said Lily as she wiped at her face in frustration. "James has always had Fred and then Violet to run off with, Al's always had Rose and now Erin. And then Lucy had to go and get sorted into Hufflepuff. And I love Charlotte, really, but it's always been the two of them more than anything else. And it's only a matter of time before Lucy and Bobby get their act together and I lose her even more."
Lily let the words she was saying sweep over her, the truth of them sinking in more than they ever had before. And then the pain of the last few months hit her even more keenly.
"I always thought I'd have Hugo," she said, her voice wobbly as her tears continued to fall. "We've always had each other, you know? I've always come in second to others in James' and Al's lives, but no matter how much I couldn't seem to hold onto anyone else, I just knew Hugo was going to be there, so the rest didn't matter as much.
"But then Caleb happened, and I was even less alone than I was before. Because he saw me and he wanted me and he made sure I knew that. I don't think I've ever been happier than those first few months where it felt like nothing could touch us and everything was completely right. I didn't expect everything that came after. I thought Hugo would be happy for me, because he understood, you know? He knows it hasn't been easy to not have the closeness I want with my brothers or Lucy. To come in second to so many people. To have another person who put me first was incredible, and I don't think I realized until a few weeks ago when Hugo told me how much the way I'd handle everything hurt him that I'd done the same thing to him that I hated having done to me. I was putting him second and not caring about what it did to him. Because I just assumed he'd always be there.
"And now it's all my fault that he's not and I really can't blame him. I was horrible. He might have overreacted a bit, but that doesn't mean I should have just dismissed his feelings and called him selfish for feeling the exact way I would have felt had our roles been reversed.
"I really am sorry for how I behaved," Lily continued, still refusing to meet Louis' eyes, "and I was prepared to apologize and grovel and do what I could today to makes things better, but…" her voice grew shaky as she worked to control her tears. "But seeing them together, happy and without me… I just lost it, Lou. I felt left behind all over again. And what makes it worse is that this time I know it was all my fault. I've always wondered if it was whenever it happened before, but I don't have to this time."
Her voice had grown continually unsteady as she spoke, until she was sure Louis could hardly even understand her as she broke down into sobs, burying her face in her arms where they rested on top of her knees. Her body shook as it all came pouring out, the hurt and the guilt and the pain and the fear that nothing would ever be okay again. She could feel the tears and snot running down her face as she just let herself grieve everything she'd done and everything she'd tarnished and destroyed.
It could have been minutes or hours later when she finally started to calm down and heard the sound of Louis moving around, eventually registering his presence as he sat next to her.
"Here," he said in a soft voice, and Lily felt something tickle her arm. She looked up just enough to see that he was offering a box of tissues, and she took one with a mumbled thanks.
"You know," he said after a few moments of silence, his smooth voice soft and contemplative, "most people would probably think that it's hard to feel lonely when you have a big family, but I think it's easier."
Lily finally looked up at him as she grabbed another tissue, balling up the first one and tossing it easily into the bin by the sink. "Like how it's easy to just fly under the radar?" she said. "For people to think 'they're fine. They've got plenty of people to keep them company.' Except when everyone thinks that and you end up getting lost in the shuffle."
Louis gave a hum of agreement and nodded, his gaze fixed in front of him and his arms resting on his knees. "That's exactly how I felt after Easter."
Lily looked at him with wide eyes. Louis was one of the most popular members of her family at school and the most well known boy in his year. Maybe in all of them now that Al and Scorpius were gone. "You?" she asked incredulously. "Lonely?"
"See, you're making the same incorrect assumptions you were just accusing others of," he said with a sigh. Lily felt slightly guilty, realizing he was right. How quickly people assume others always have it better than they do.
She watched him as he sat there silently, tearing at his fingernails as he held back whatever was bothering him.
"Seeing as I just spilled my guts to you…" Lily said tentatively, giving him an open and encouraging look. He shot her a glance that was a bit disgruntled before letting out a sigh and stretching his legs out in front of him. He then proceeded to tell her everything that happened over his Easter break, including the way it made him feel left behind.
"And then Caleb telling me the day we headed back to school that he's been seeing you for months without telling me, it was just a lot all at once," he continued. "I know it was never anyone's intention to make me feel left out or like I didn't matter, but it happened anyway, and I'll even admit that I sort of let it. I closed down and didn't talk to anyone about how I was really feeling, choosing to point the finger at you and Caleb and Jill instead. Not my best moment, but I'm trying to make up for it."
Lily nodded, a bit in shock after Louis' confession. "You and Jill made up, yeah?" Lily couldn't help asking. Louis nodded, a tentative smile flickering across his lips and his cheeks turning a slight pink as he nervously scratched the back of his neck. It was sweet to see him like this, and Lily probably would have told him so if she didn't think it would make him close up immediately.
"I'm really sorry we made you feel that way," she said softly. "We really didn't mean to alienate anybody."
"I know," Louis said with a sigh. "And we could talk this whole thing to death if we wanted, but I think it's safe to say that everyone had expectations, but when those aren't communicated, things get messy. And that's exactly what happened. You and Caleb expected everyone to be happy for you and support you, Hugo expected to still be just as important as he always was, and I...well, I suppose I expected to not get left behind. In a lot of ways. And if we'd all just talked to each other about all those things from the start, most of this could have been avoided."
Lily groaned and rested her head on her knees again. "I know," she said. "But that doesn't exactly fix things."
Louis was quiet for a moment, and Lily took the time to think over how much she'd missed over the past few months. How much she hadn't seen.
"What you said before…" Louis began hesitantly. "About not being enough?"
Lily tensed, her arms tightening around her legs as she hesitated before nodding as best she could with her head still resting on her knees.
"You know that's not true, right?"
This time she shrugged, still unable to look up at him.
"Your brothers love you to death and would do anything for you," Louis continued as if it were obvious. "Lucy will be there whenever you need her, and you known, no matter what you're going through or how much you may think you hate each other, Hugo will always be there for you. Without a doubt. You do know that, right?"
Lily was crying in earnest once again, and then Louis was pulling her into his arms and holding her tight. "And Caleb…" he hesitated after mumbling the words against the top of her head, causing Lily to cry even more. "Caleb's crazy about you, Lily. It's insane how much he loves you."
Lily felt like the wind had been knocked out of her, her sobs stopping short and her eyes flying open. "What?" she managed to ask in a strained voice. Louis gave an amused snort.
"Of course he does. Did you think that changed?"
Lily slowly extricated herself from Louis' hold, sitting up to look at his confused expression as she struggled for words.
"Louis," she said breathlessly, "did Caleb actually say that? That he loves me?"
Now Louis looked even more confused. "Yeah, a few times. Why? Has he not…"
Louis' eyes widened as he realized what he'd just done, but all Lily could do - surprisingly - was grin.
"Shit, he never told you that, did he?"
Lily shook her head, her hand going to her mouth to cover her smile as a laugh threatened to escape. Louis was watching her uncertainly, and then she wasn't sure if she was laughing or crying or both. All she knew was that she was feeling everything all at once and it was both liberating and exhausting and the best and worst thing in the world.
"This… this is insane," Lily managed to get out in the midst of what was quickly turning into hysterical crying. Or laughing. She still couldn't tell which. "I mean, neither of us ever said that when we were together, you know? But...but now?" she said, her hands running through her chin length hair as she shook her head and looked at Louis with a gobsmacked expression. "Did we seriously miss the only chance we had to actually tell each other how we feel?"
Her laughter had completely faded now, realizing that the answer to her question was a resounding yes. They'd missed their chance. She'd blown it. And so had Caleb.
Lily slumped down and leaned into her cousin's side, his arm going around her shoulder once again, her tears no longer falling and a numbness starting to take over. "What do I do, Lou?"
She felt her cousin take a deep breath before letting it out slowly, his cheek resting on the top of her head. "I've honestly got no bloody clue, but after today, the first thing he needs is a little bit of time before you should even think about trying to talk to him."
Lily groaned and covered her face with her hands. "I was so fucking horrible, wasn't I?"
Louis gave a silent chuckle and squeezed her shoulder. "Just a bit. But if you're really as sorry as you seem to be, you might be able to work something out. At least hash out everything that's happened and apologize to each other. Same goes for you and Hugo."
She knew he was right, but she also didn't want to allow herself to hope for too much. She didn't feel like she deserved that yet.
But that was part of the problem, wasn't it? Her feeling like she wasn't good enough, fearing people would give up on her and that they had every reason to. She couldn't keep doing that. She could acknowledge her shortcomings and apologize for her mistakes, but she wasn't going to continue to let herself feel like she didn't have the right to go after the things she wanted or that she didn't deserve to have them. The only thing her fears had done was cause her to lash out and blame everyone else for her own choices, terrified that she actually wasn't good enough and trying to convince herself otherwise. But she wasn't going to let her fears continue to control her.
She'd always refused to put herself second because she'd let herself fear that no one else would ever put her first, so at least someone should. And maybe there were times when she should put herself first, but she was seeing that there were more times when she shouldn't. So much of the way she thought about things was selfish, and she wanted to change that, own her mistakes, and make things right.
But, for now, before she made any attempt to get what she wanted - renewed friendship with her best friend and whatever she could salvage with Caleb - she would wait. Because even if it was perfectly acceptable for her to want those things, she wasn't the only person to consider, and she was determined to stop thinking of herself first, and maybe put herself second for a change.
A/N: I know I promised this a lot sooner, but the process of moving has completely taken over my life! Finally managed a final read through of this chapter and I hope you enjoyed it! Lots of talking, I know, but digging into these characters! I'll be updating Leap of Faith next but not sure when. Also, even though I've been focused on moving, I've still had ideas coming to me! Hopefully you will hear a little more from me once I'm all settled.
Also, if you want a refresher on how Louis felt about the whole Caleb/Lily and Jill during Easter situation, thats chapter 19 in Snapshots!