Chloe:
It's silent again, heavy, raw. He said he didn't want me to go, but I'm not sure what to do. He's still and quiet, its slightly unsettling. I want to say something. I know it's not the time for the thousands of questions racing through my mind, but I need to break the silence.
"Can I get you a drink?"
The question seems to startle him and he looks at me again. His beautiful chocolate brown eyes are still red and shiny with more unshed tears. He looks so lost and my chest tightens again. Deciding not to let him answer I stand, stepping down into the living room and towards the bar. Instinctively I pull a bottle of water from the fridge below the counter, then pause, looking at the open bottle of scotch on the counter. Grabbing a clean glass and filling it halfway, I turn to go back to the bedroom.
Back in front of him I offer both the bottle and the glass to him. I notice his hands are still shaking as he takes both from me, downing the scotch and setting the glass on the nightstand, before opening the bottle and downing most of the water as well.
Carefully I sit down next to him, still half prepared for him to try to throw me out again, but he still says nothing. I start to reach out to take his hand again but stop short. Like a punch to the gut, reality catches up to me in a wave of nausea and anxiety.
Did Lucifer really have wings? And cut them off? I saw them, touched them. Another wave of nausea when I remember the feel and sound of Maze's knife severing the bridge of skin a muscle on his back, the sharp inhale of pain. They were absolutely part of him, not some cosplay getup. And I cut one off… well, sort of.
Trying to steady the room that had started to spin I close my eyes, dropping my head into my hands, breathing in deep trying to hold it together. So wrapped up in seemingly trying to keep my brain from melting, I nearly forgot he was still next to me, and when I feel his hand on my back I startle. Lifting my head, I immediately notice there's more distance between us, Lucifer leaning away from me, hands up and palms facing me, looking terrified.
Oh shit. He thinks I'm afraid of /him/. Am I afraid of him? Should I be? No. Of course not, this is Lucifer. He's taken a bullet to save my life… to save Trixie. He can't be dangerous. Can he? It's the single tiny tear that slips down his cheek that tells me I've made things worse. I jumped when he touched me and now I'm just sitting here, like an idiot. And he's… oh God. He looks so… sad. Another fracture in my chest.
"Lucifer…" I lift my hands to press my palms against his, no hesitation this time, "You didn't do anything. I was just… I got dizzy and you startled me. That's all."
He relaxes slightly, and I'm thankful he doesn't pull away. Pushing a bit more I let my fingers slip between his, shifting my knee up onto the mattress so that I can face him, and letting our hands fall in the space between us, my fingers still laced through his.
"Look, I don't know what's going on with you. But it's obvious something is wrong. Something happened, something… bad. At least that's the only reason I can think of why you would… Anyway. I just want you to know that I'm here for you. If you want to talk about it. Or not, we can talk about something else. Or if you don't want to talk at all." His expression softens a little, but I can tell he's still on edge. His hands are still stiff in mine, and I can see muscles tensing in his shoulders and jaw. "I just mean, you're my partner. And I'm worried about you."
"Worried about… me?" It's a whisper, laced with disbelief.
"Of course I am! How could I not be? I just saw you-" I sigh hard, letting my head fall back and my eyes close, willing myself to stay calm, "You cut off a piece of yourself Lucifer!" I blurt. So much for calm.
"But they're not me!" He sighs heavily, "Not anymore."
"They were wings Lucifer! Fucking ANGEL WINGS!"
"That my father put there! To play with me, manipulate me!"
"How is giving you wings manipulation?"
"BECAUSE HE KNOWS I DON'T WANT THEM. HE KNOWS I'M EVIL AND HE'S TAUNTING ME WITH THOSE… THINGS! LIKE I'M SOME DOLL, BEING DRESSED UP FOR HIS BLOODY AMUSEMENT!"
I'm a little surprised at his yelling, but I try not to let it show, "But what if he's trying to tell you something else?"
Surprise, confusion, and finally curiosity flash through his eyes, "And what exactly might that be?" His voice still has an edge of his anger.
"Maybe he's trying to remind you of who you are?"
"But I'm /not/ that anymore." He says simply, dropping his head, eyes falling to his lap and I'm overwhelmed with the urge to wrap my arms around him again.
He doesn't see himself as an angel.
"How can you say that?" I'm not expecting an answer and I don't get one. "After everything I've seen you do, all the /good/. You're a good man Lucifer. You-"
In the space of time it takes me to blink the words are stolen from my mouth. Suddenly I'm staring into eyes, seemingly burning with fire. Lucifer hasn't moved but he's not Lucifer anymore. His face is red, marred by angry peaks and valleys, his skin looking almost like leather. "I AM A MONSTER." I jump again, more from the sudden volume of his voice than his face. While obviously unsettling, this revelation seems dulled by my newfound knowledge of his apparent angel status. I can see the pain flash in the hellfire of his eyes.
Fuck. I did it again.
I quickly move to lessen the space between us again and this time it's him that's startled. Another blink and Lucifer is back, fear renewed on his face. "I'm sorry." He whispers, pulling back further. Ignoring his apology I reach out, trying to touch him but he's still pulling away. It feels like my heart is being pulled with him.
"You don't have to be sorry." I tell him, pulling my hand back, not wanting to upset him further. I keep my eyes on his, searching for the right thing to say, "I don't think you're a monster." It's not a lot… but it's the truth.
"But. I'm The Devil."
"But you're /not/ a monster. You, you, punish evil? Right? Give bad people what they deserve? That's what you've been telling me since we met. I've watched you go after one bad person after the next, making sure they can't hurt anyone else. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I really actually understand all of… this." I wave my hand in front of him, words not being able to describe exactly what was happening, "But I know /you/ Lucifer. Under the act you put on at Lux, and the inappropriate jokes and total disregard for any rule you deem "silly", you're, you're, a good man. And I see that. Even if you don't right now."
There it was again. Somehow suddenly he looked so small again. His head tilted down just slightly, gaze fixed somewhere beyond my shoulder. He shoulders were down now, but it almost looked as if he was trying to curl into himself. As if he had just been reprimanded instead of praised. This time I don't fight the urge. Moving quickly in hopes of thwarting any retreat I reach up to grab his face in my hands, closing the space between us and pressing my lips to his once more in a single soft kiss. I feel him stiffen, but he doesn't pull away. I wait, gently stroking my thumbs over the line of stubble on his cheek, leaning my forehead against his, letting him decide what happens next. Painfully slow he breaths out, muscles loosening, and he moves closer, bringing our lips back together.
Lucifer:
I can't stop staring at her hand, resting gently on mine. I'm not even sure I answered her question. She's not moving, so maybe I did? Or maybe she's still waiting for me to answer? But she's touching me. Her hand is so soft-
"Can I get you a drink?"
Her voice pulls my eyes away from where our hands sit between us. But I can't find words. She gets up anyway, disappearing down the steps. I listen for a moment, hearing her movements at the bar, then footsteps back towards me. She stops in front of me, offering a glass of whiskey and a bottle of water. Downing the whiskey quickly and setting the glass down I try to watch her carefully as she sits back down next to me.
Say something you dimwit. What have you got left to lose?
Before I can manage to find any words she drops her head into her hands, bending to lean over her lap. I can hear her taking deep breaths, trying to be quiet, but something is definitely wrong.
No shit sherlock!
I can't stop my hand from reaching out to touch her back, wanting to ask if she's okay but she jumps as soon as my fingers make contact.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Why did I touch her? Of course she's not okay. How could I be so fucking stupid, why did I let her stay? Of course she only felt sorry for me. And now look what I've done. I've ruined her.
My thoughts are silenced by her soft warm hands meeting mine.
"Lucifer, you didn't do anything."
Oh I've done plenty.
"I was just… I got dizzy and you startled me. That's all."
She's lying.
But then her fingers slide between mine, closing around my hands.
"Look, I don't know what's going on with you." She's facing me now. Still holding my hands? "But it's obvious something is wrong. Something happened, something… bad. At least that's the only reason I can think of why you would… Anyway. I just want you to know that I'm here for you. If you want to talk about it. Or not, we can talk about something else. Or if you don't want to talk at all. I just mean, you're my partner. And I'm worried about you."
"Worried about…me?" How could she possibly worry about ME?
"Of course I am! How could I not be? I just saw you-" She sighs the same as she does when I've done something particularly annoying at work. Somehow that's comforting. "You cut off a piece of yourself Lucifer!" the sudden change in her voice shakes something inside of me.
"But they're not me! Not anymore."
"They were wings Lucifer! Fucking ANGEL WINGS!"
"That my father put there! To play with me, manipulate me!"
"How is giving you wings manipulation?"
"BECAUSE HE KNOWS I DON'T WANT THEM. HE KNOWS I'M EVIL AND HE'S TAUNTING ME WITH THOSE… THINGS! LIKE I'M SOME DOLL, BEING DRESSED UP FOR HIS BLOODY AMUSEMENT!" I don't mean to yell, and I regret it immediately, seeing the almost imperceptible startle in her eyes.
"But what if he's trying to tell you something else?"
"And what exactly might that be?"
"Maybe he's trying to remind you of who you are?"
"But I'm /not/ anymore."
If I was maybe I could be deserving of her. Worthy of her. But I never will be.
"How can you say that? After everything I've seen you do, all the /good/. You're a good man Lucifer. You-"
Anger grips me suddenly, "I AM A MONSTER!"
HOW CAN SHE NOT SEE?!
But one look at her tells me she /does/ see. She's further away now, her eyes are huge. It's only then that I notice it. My face is warm, my vision tinged the slightest red.
My Devil Face.
I quickly shift back but the damage is done. She really has seen me now.
"I'm sorry." It's small, and pathetic. Like me. She's reaching for me but I can't let her touch me. I can't ruin her any more.
"You don't have to be sorry." I can still feel her eyes on me, but I can't meet them, "I don't think you're a monster."
"But. I'm The Devil."
"But you're /not/ a monster. You, you, punish evil? Right? Give bad people what they deserve? That's what you've been telling me since we met. I've watched you go after one bad person after the next, making sure they can't hurt anyone else. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I really actually understand all of… this. But I know /you/ Lucifer. Under the act you put on at Lux, and the inappropriate jokes and total disregard for any rule you deem "silly", you're, you're, a good man. And I see that. Even if you don't right now."
Before I can protest again her lips are against mine. So soft. But wrong somehow. But oh so right. Her hands are on my face now, impossibly soft, and I can't stop myself from wanting to reach for her. To touch her. To kiss her. To make her mine. Her forehead is against mine and I'm lost in her ocean blue eyes.
Why is she still here? Why is she helping me? Why did she kiss me? Oh bloody hell, it doesn't matter.
The world falls away when my lips are back on hers. I'm hesitant at first, sure she'll come to her senses and run any second. But she doesn't. She's kissing me back. Her lips are soft and salty, and I gently graze my tongue over them, taking the bottom one between mine and sucking gently before capturing her entire mouth with my own. Her fingers are twisting in my hair and I can't stop the soft moan that her gentle tugs elicit. I let my lips roam over her face, darting my tongue out to lick the line of her jaw before I bury my face in her neck. Breathing in her wonderfully intoxicating scent my lips continue to explore, nipping and sucking at the sensitive skin. I need more of her lips. More of her skin. More of her.
But I'm stopped when I catch sight of the blood that now stains her shirt. The harsh reminder of exactly how we ended up here like a swift kick to the gut. Pulling away I rush to stand, unsteady for a moment when a jolt of pain runs through me.
"Detective, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have… You shouldn't…. You should go."
One step forward three steps back huh idiot?
She's in front of me now. Defiant, "Lucifer. Why are you pushing me away? After everything we've been through, after all of /this/," she gestures vaguely around us, "I'm not trying to leave. I'm trying to /help/ you. So why are you pushing me away?"
I'm not sure if it's the whiskey or the drugs or the pain or just her, standing there in front of me. She's close enough that I could reach out and touch her, but I don't dare.
Once she's away and realizes what I really am she'll stay away. This is it, there's no coming back. The sooner I rip off this particular bandage the better.
But before I can do or say anything her warmth is against me. Her arms wrap around my waist and her head is on my chest, "Lucifer. Please. Let me help you." And her quiet plea breaks through, twisting into my chest making my legs weak. Again, I'm clinging to her, certain she's the only thing keeping me from simply imploding with the wave of emotions that hit me at once.