Long time overdue, and here is the update. The next chapter shouldn't take an eternity to be updated. It is half ready.
Thanks for the review and the message reminding me to update.
I don't own the walking dead.
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Chapter V : A funeral
Michonne eventually pulls Rick up to her bed. She can no longer bear Rick's weight on her svelte body. For a few minutes, she held him in her arms, and her tears drenched his shirt. Perhaps, Rick led Michonne to her bed. She remembers liquefying in his arms. Michonne became nothing but tears. Michonne doesn't remember how Rick Grimes ended in her bed.
Once he shared the news of Richard Senior's demise, releasing her grip of Rick became impossible. The sun hasn't risen, and Rick's weight pines Michonne to the bed. His arms crush her waist, and Michonne doesn't dare to move. She can't decide if Rick is sleeping or his sobs are now silent.
The only thing, which Michonne can attest for, is that Rick's hold on her is as strong as her hold on him.
She buries her nose in Rick's neck. Her hand forms a fist around his shirt. Michonne's tears have dried along the curvature of Rick's neck, and her remaining hand tangles his hair. Her wedding ring disappears in his curls. Rick stirs, and his knuckles graze Michonne's thigh. She feels his wedding band pressed in her back.
"What time is it?" When he ceases to pretend that the world dies at Michonne's door, Rick asks the time.
"I don't know, but we have to go out of this room." Michonne retorts.
Rick and Michonne's interludes seem like an eternity.
She shifts a bit to accommodate Rick, and her leg between his legs has become numb. Michonne winces. and Rick slightly moves.
"Sorry" Rick whispers, and his voice is hoarse, which answers Michonne's last question.
Rick's words surprise Michonne. She didn't expect an apology, but Rick has many reasons to apologize. Richard Senior's death might have brought many remorses in the forefront of his mind.
"About what?" Michonne inquires to confirm what she suspects
"About this," Rick replies, and he points at the present arrangement.
Nonetheless, he does nothing to change it. Rick's body continues to cover Michonne's one like a blanket. He firmly holds her waist, and his knuckles run along her right thigh. Her dreadlocks tingle the tip of Rick's nose. Everything practically feels right.
"One day, you will get your priority straight, Richard Grimes junior." Michonne sighs and she moves out of his embrace.
She rolls out of the bed, and she searches for her purse. Rick watches Michonne from the corner of his eyes. The sun fills the room and flirts with Michonne's skin. She beautifully glows with a golden halo, and Rick wants nothing but to bask in Michonne's warmth. The ugliness of the outside world doesn't dare to cross her door. He knows that he is vulnerable, and there lies the reason why he suddenly indulges his suppressed emotions.
"Maybe." Rick non-committedly answers, and he looks away from Michonne.
The moment feels surrealist, and Rick doesn't know what emotions to express. Michonne finds her purse, and she drags a cigarette out the box. She walks to the window, and the hot Georgian breeze welcomes Michonne.
"He wanted...He..." Michonne doesn't know how to end her sentence.
Her throat tightens, and the tears start to pool in the corner of Michonne's eyes. Michonne presses her thumbs against her eyelids, and she draws as much smoke as she can from her cigarette.
"I need a shower…" Rick says as he rises from Michonne's bed, but he doesn't leave the room.
Rick isn't ready to take on the responsibilities, which Carlton won't assume. Everything is so quiet in Michonne's room. When Rick's world crumbled, he came to seek the quietness. Michonne throws the residue of her cigarette, and she turns to face Rick. She leans against the frame of her window, and she stares at Rick's profile.
"Someone needs to check on Grandpa Morgan and Maggie. Someone needs to...I need a shower too." Michonne doesn't know where she is supposed to start, and she glances at Rick.
He has regained control of his emotions, and what happened between them was a fluke. Michonne walks away from the window, and she grabs her towel.
"Someone needs to check on you." Rick sits back on Michonne's bed, and he wears his shoes.
"You don't have to do that." Michonne states and she knows that he isn't eager to accomplish that task.
"I promised Grandpa that I…" Rick doesn't conclude his statement.
He promised Richard Senior to be a decent husband. He promised to care for Michonne, and Rick doesn't know where to start. He doesn't know how to feel about her aside from the fact that he needs her for emotional sanity.
"Check on grandpa…" Michonne says as Rick stands purposeless in the middle of her room.
When he sees her waiting at his door, Rick sighs. He doesn't have the patience for Jessie's shenanigans. However, she doesn't intend to allow him to avoid her. Jessie questioningly glares at Rick while he walks away from Michonne's door.
"Rick, can I talk to you?" Jessie demands as she moves away from Rick's room.
Rick attempts to bypass her, but she grabs his hand. He sighs and doesn't engage Jessie verbally. Perhaps, she will regain her dignity and stop harassing her. Although, Rick's hope for a quiet resolution doesn't survive Jessie's audacity.
" If you want me to be, I'm here for you," Jessie quietly says, and she lays her hands flat on Rick's chest.
For a second, Rick strives to understand what Jessie's suggestion means. When one of Jessie's hand slides under his shirt while her other hand starts to unbutton his shirt, Rick has a clear picture of her intents.
"Don't you have a husband to console?" Rick spits the words with as much venom as he can.
He quickly grabs Jessie's hands, and he shoves her out of his way. Rick glances at Jessie, and His anger rises. What is wrong with this woman? Rick doesn't know how to explain her sociopathic behaviours.
"Were you searching for consolation in her room?" Jessie furiously grabs Rick's shirt, and she stops him from entering his room.
The laugh, which hangs on Rick's lips, is sarcastic. He doesn't know how he moved to the twilight zone. Rick stares at Jessie, and he questions his sanity. Rick must have misheard what she said.
"Were you a clown in your last life?" Rick responds, and again he shoves her away from his door.
"Rick" Jessie shouts, and she forgets about her husband roaming the floors of the ranch.
"I need a shower..." Rick answers, and he endeavours to close his door.
Unfortunately, Jessie quickly creeps into his room. Rick draws a deep breath, and he pulls so hard on his leather bracelet. He almost breaks the leather band.
"I'm right that you spent the night with her. If you were so desperate for comfort, I remember what you like in bed, Rick." Jessie attempts to hold Rick, and it is Rick's breaking point.
Rick grabs Jessie's arm, and he drags her toward the door. Jessie attempts to resist, but Rick is sterner than she expected him to be.
"You misunderstood my words ten years ago. I'm never touching you in this lifetime or any life for that matter. If you will excuse me, I need a shower." Rick hisses in Jessie's face, and he throws her out of his room.
" For future references, what I do with my wife or around my wife is none of your business." He finishes while he slams the door at Jessie's face.
Rick instinctively said the words, but he needed to rub it in Jessie's face. He wanted to prove to Jessie's how far of her influence he was.
"Wife?" Jessie speaks to a closed door, but after a glimpse of Rick's silver wedding band, she needs an explanation.
She starts to bang on Rick's door, and she needs a response. Jessie can't lose Rick so close to her goal. Carlton is about to inherit Richard senior's fortune, and she will take everything once she divorce. Once she is in control of the Grimes fortune, Jessie will be able to be with the man, who she adores. She can't lose Rick. He must be lying, and she knows that he loves her.
"Rick, what do you mean?" She insists on demanding an answer from a closed door.
Two days have passed since Richard Senior's death, and the melancholy saturates the air of the Grimes' ranch. Today, everything feels ten times worst. The rain crashes against the windows, and the outside noise amplifies the silence inside. The weather matches everyone's mood. In less than two hours, Richard senior will be laid to the ground.
Rick slides in his suit's jacket, and he sits in the corner of his grandfather's office while Morgan searches through the cupboards.
"Richard was very proud of you." Morgan's words draw Rick's attention.
Rick doesn't reply. He doesn't believe Morgan, but he is grateful for his grandpa's effort to soothe his pain. Carlton must have told Richard senior the reason why Rick left the ranch. He must have knitted a great tale of lies. Rick regrets not reaching out to Richard Senior.
"This last ten years, he tried to have you back home. He wanted to fix what happened that Christmas morning. None of us really knew, and Carlton never said anything. Although, I doubt Richard would have believed him over you. He felt guilty for not convincing you to come home, but you're stubborn. Now, look at you. You don't need his money, and you made your own." Morgan insists, and he understands the scepticism on Rick's quiet expression.
Morgan must share Richard Senior's regrets, and then his friend will leave the earth with a light heart. Rick was Richard Senior's biggest source of worries, and how well Rick did on his own didn't matter. As a family man, Richard senior carried the guilt of Rick's exile.
"It no longer matters." Rick brushes away Morgan's kind words.
He doesn't want to reflect on those ten years. Rick doesn't want to admit that his pride kept him away from his grandfather. His anger and resentment against Carlton blinded him. He wanted to prove a point. Rick wanted to prove that he was better than the man, who could accuse him of such baseness. Everyone else was collateral. They were victims of Rick's poorly aimed anger. The distance, which he kept from everyone, was an immature way to channel his anger. He couldn't breathe in this ranch. He couldn't allow that night to haunt him. Rick couldn't reconcile everything he felt toward Michonne. Coming back meant to face everything.
"Does it? In the end, Richard gave you what he thought you needed the most to be happy. You know how much he loved you and Michonne, but Michonne was his favourite. In the strange way that you're my favourite. Richard believed you were the only man good enough for his precious Michonne." Morgan finishes, and he pulls a little envelope from a cupboard.
"Grandpa always had ludicrous ideas. Obviously, Michonne and I will divorce as soon as we can." Rick counterclaims and those words are harder to say than he expected.
However, he needs to return to normalcy. He wants to return to his New York apartment and his company. He needs those pointless nights spent drinking beers with Shane. He doesn't need to question the reason why he has that pervasive hate for Michonne. He doesn't want to sit on her bed while she smokes at the window. He doesn't want to find her beautiful. He wants his normalcy back.
"The fact remains that Richard was proud of you. He knew that you were a good young man. You have done well for yourself. You should start to see it too." Morgan magically isolates the heart of the issue.
Rick stubbornly decides to disregard those words. He passes Morgan his suit jacket, and he leaves his spot in the corner of Richard senior's office. Rick glances at his watch, and the time has come to say the last adieu to his grandpa.
"We have to head to the church." Rick quietly says, and he doesn't know how long he will retain his emotional detachment to the situation.
He can't crumble. Crumbling means to seek Michonne. Fate has a twisted humour. No one can calm him as easily as she does, but she is also the catalyst of his grudges. He needs to return to his life.
"Thank you for handling everything," Morgan says, and he stares at the letter, which Richard Senior addressed to Rick.
Morgan didn't think that he would have to hand it so soon. He assumed that he would have a few more months. Morgan sighs, and he looked at Rick. Rick has a lot of growth to do, but Richard was rarely wrong. No other man could be greater for Morgan's granddaughter.
"Someone had to step in." Rick bitterly replied, and he refused to allow Carlton to make him lose control.
Rick can't reconcile what his father did this last two days to the man, who once had his respect. This Carlton was the man, who threw him out of the house. Rick sighed, and he sought to focus on what mattered.
"Yeah, I heard the legal part preoccupied Carlton." Morgan shares Rick's bitterness.
"Tonight, he arranged for grandpa's solicitors to come to testify the validity of his will." Rick supplied as an answer.
Carlton was eager to collect his father's wealth, and burying Richard senior wasn't a matter of interest to him. Carlton wanted to make sure that nothing stood between the Grimes consortium and him.
"We will cross that bridge when we reach it. Go check on Michonne." Morgan confidently says.
" When you are ready to see yourself in the light that Richard saw you, you should read this." He places the letter in Rick's hand, and he encouragingly taps on Rick's back.
….
….
…...
Rick hears multiple voices outside of Michonne's room, and he hesitates. He hasn't face her after he spent hours sobbing in her arms. The liberties, which he took with Michonne that night, are liberties that he takes with no one. He hates showing emotions, and facing Michonne suffice to make his hard walls crumble. Somehow, the fragility, which he expressed around her, fuels his anger with her.
"Can I come in?" Rick draws a deep breath while he knocks at Michonne's door.
He hears steps, which he assumes belong to her. His heart misses a beat, and Rick chastises his mind. Time has passed, and ten years is a lot of time. A single moment can't change everything, and the frustrations haven't magically disappeared. The grudges are stronger than they were before, and Rick wants to fight harder what he once felt with what he presently feels.
"Rick..." When the door doesn't open on Michonne, Rick is disappointed.
Although, he Is relieved because he has time to sort through his emotional state.
"Hi, Sasha," Rick returns with a polite smile while he faces Michonne's cousin.
"I'm so sorry. Grandpa Richard was such an amazing man." Sasha says while she allows him inside Michonne's room.
Rick instinctively looks for Michonne, and she is not where he can see her. He is frustrated, but he is also relieved. Rick is not in control of his emotions, and he hates it. As a result, he hates her more for making him feel this way. Hatred is safe as much as Michonne's arms can be.
"He was…" Rick absentmindedly agrees with Sasha, and he doesn't resist when she drags him into a hug.
Rick has lost count of the number of people who have hugged him after telling him how amazing Richard senior is. He has started to go with the motions. He wants the day to end, and he wants to return to his life.
"Hmmm, I don't want to interrupt." Michonne's voice abruptly drags Rick out of his lethargy.
She glares at him in a way so familiar. Ten years changes everything and nothing. Michonne looks between Rick and Sasha. She almost regresses to the time where she was envious of her older cousin because Rick acknowledged her. Michonne takes a deep breath, and she chastises herself. She no longer has a crush for Rick Grimes. Michonne needs to believe it before he causes more damage that he has already done.
"Oh look who is here. Baby Richard." The warmth of the voice diffused the tension in the room, and Sasha chuckles at how embarrassed Rick is at the nickname.
"Aunt Michelle. You came." Rick asks Michonne's mother, and once he is over the surprise, he hugs Michelle Jones.
Rick can't remember the last time when he saw Morgan's daughter in law and Michonne's mother. He must have been a few months after the death of Michonne's father. It was twenty years ago. It had been so hard on Morgan, Michonne, but for Michelle, it was worst.
A depression followed, and it was the first time Michonne came to spend a holiday in king county. Rick remembers how she would hide behind Morgan, and Michonne would only speak to Rick. Michelle never came to pick back Michonne instead Michonne started to spend her holiday in Rouen a small city in France, Michelle's home country.
"You know how much I love your grandfather, and I needed to be here for your wife. She adored Richard senior." Michelle answers and she suddenly reminds Rick that Michonne is no longer eight and selectively mute.
Now, the tables have turned. He is the one silently grieving with selective mutism. He only feels like talking to Michonne although his anger might corrupt what he wants to say. Rick escapes Michelle's hug, and he looks at Michonne. She is looking at everything but him, and he hates it. He always hated it when he wasn't the centre of her attention. She has spoiled him, and ten years later, he hasn't lost that neediness. Therefore, he stares at her to the point of discomfort. Michonne has to stare back, and now, he punishes her for giving him the attention, which he wanted. Rick's eyes contain accusations, and Michonne strangely allows Rick to pull her in that intricate emotional exchange. It is a vicious circle, and it rests on defence mechanisms.
"You're married. The last time when I met you, you forget to mention that. Congratulations! Who is the lucky lady?" Sasha breaks the spell although Rick continues to stare a Michonne, which makes the answer obvious.
There is too much passion in that look to mean anything but two possible emotions. Rick can't tell which one he expresses at a time. Those emotions are so tangled and interchangeable with the situation.
"That would be me," Michonne speaks to take away some of the tension.
"Rick and Michonne," Sasha says with a hint of surprise
"Took longer than we expected …," Michelle adds, and Sasha agrees.
Rick has no interest in the exchange, and Michonne works harder to avoid his look. She doesn't want to subject her sanity to his exigencies.
"Almost forgot how much she was in love with him." Sasha reflects, and Michonne sighs.
"I was young… It's different now." She attempts to change the topic, and she mistakenly makes eye contact with Rick, "I don't think it is the appropriate time to talk about this." She adds for his benefit because he directs at her murderous glances.
She will never understand the man. Michonne doesn't know why she plays into his hand every time.
"Can we have a minute?" Rick finally divides his attention, and it is to require privacy with Michonne.
Rick stares at Michonne while she places an excessive effort to ignore him. She packs anything, which she can put in her purse. It goes for a minute until Rick decides to stand in her way. Rick forces Michonne to stop, and he tilts her head so he can look at her. Her eyes are red, and the tears threaten to fall. Some things never change. When it comes to expressing her emotions, Michonne is worse than Rick can be.
Rick remembers how quiet she became after her father's death. When Michelle left, she became so timid. Nothing changed in this situation. Morgan purposely sent Rick to check on Michonne. Around him, she can't prevent how raw her emotions become.
"Are you okay?" Rick asks, and Michonne dodges a caress of his knuckles.
"Can you keep this with you?" She shoves a box of cigarette in Rick's hand, and she averts her eyes from Rick's ones, "I don't have space for it in my purse, nor do I have pockets." She finishes speaking, and she walks away from Rick.
"You didn't answer my question." Rick insists, and he pushes her box of cigarette down his pocket.
"Mom asked me the same question. Sasha asked me the same question. I have already answered it. What makes you think that the answer will be different because you asked?" She questions him with growing frustration.
Rick cocks an eyebrow, and he is ready to take on her challenge. He is as eager for a fight as she is, but he is also exhausted. Rick grabs Michonne's arm, and he carefully pulls her into him. They can postpone the fight. The peace is transient, and their mutual loathing will resurface when they can survive the pain alone.
"Michonne, how are you doing?" Rick looks into Michonne's eyes, and all her efforts to contain her emotions become pointless.
Two days, she has kept a dignified figure for two days. She has comforted her grandfather and Maggie. She has offered soothing words to Carlton. Not once, she felt as emotionally bare as Rick's question made her feel. Why would he do this to her?
"Give me a minute. I will be fine." Michonne replies as she shoves Rick away from her, and she furiously wipes her tears.
Rick watches Michonne find refuge in her bathroom. He hears the object fall, and the cupboard doors open and close. He tells himself that he has his pain to nurture. Rick doesn't care for Michonne, or so he repeats to himself. Although, he made a promise. Rick sighs and he pushes open the bathroom door.
"We have to go …" Rick starts to speak, but he stops after a glance at Michonne.
Once to honour the promise that he made to Richard Senior. Once and he will leave her to deal with her problems as every other adult must do. Michonne is no longer a child, who Rick feels compelled to protect. Michonne is no longer a teenager, who he dutiful protects from everyone and mostly himself.
Rick shakes his head, and he questions his sanity. He puts his suit jacket on the hook at the door, and he enters the bathtub, which Michonne has turned in the ideal place to have a breakdown. Rick raises Michonne's legs, and he puts her legs on each side of him.
He watches Michonne blow the smoke from her cigarette, and she keeps her head tilted so her mascara-stained tears don't fall on her face. She is insane, and he must be beyond insanity for caring about her. Rick pulls the cigarette away from her lips, and he throws it in the bidet. He wipes her tears with his thumbs.
"Thank you. It took an hour to apply my make up, and you had to ask that stupid question. I hate you so much for the way you treat me. For what you can do to me." Michonne pushes the hand, which wipes her tears away, and she reaches behind her to grab a tumbler filled with what Rick identifies as vodka.
"Look, this is what you know how to do." She points at her cheeks stained by her new tears, and Rick wonders what keeps him glued to the bottom of that bathtub. "Do you ever tire of making me miserable for every reason that entertains your mind? You spent two days avoiding your wife, and you come to make me cry. It is an art, Rick Grimes." She finishes her tirade with a sigh of frustration, and she elevates her head again to fight gravity.
Rick attempts to take the glass in her hand, but Michonne moves it away. The bourbon spills on her fingers and pools on the bathroom tiles.
"Do you want a sip?" Michonne sarcastically asks when Rick successfully takes away her glass.
"Shhhh," Rick replies while he takes her arm, and he drags Michonne's body on top of his.
Once and he will go back to his normalcy. He will forget that she exists. Michonne buries her face in the crook of Rick's neck, and it is convenient that Rick wears a black dressed shirt. Tears wet his skin, and sobs shake Michonne's body. Things can't completely change. Rick allows Michonne to cry on his shoulder, but he forbids himself to touch her. He has to protect his emotions, and he can't forget their past.
"How long will the period of grace last?" Michonne asks well aware that they will return to their state of conflict.
There is safety to familiar emotions. Anger is a coping mechanism and an easy way to remain in control. Rick clings on control, and Michonne is too much of a wild card in his life. He can't help but fight her.
"Your minute is over," Rick responds with action as he drags her out the bathtub, and he walks away from her.
The rain is heavy, and the dust has become mud. When she notices the tremors, Michonne places her hand below Rick's one to keep the Bible, which he holds from falling.
"Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." He reads the last line of the psalm, and Rick is not someone, who seeks religious comfort.
However, he wants to believe those words. Rick doesn't see his grandpa somewhere else than heaven. He needs the comfort of that thought. Michonne's hand is warm although the falling rain drags the weather toward the colder end. Her fingers slowly slide between his, and Rick reaches for strength into her steadiness.
Although, their dynamic changes when Morgan goes on the stand to read the eulogy. Michonne crushes Rick's hand, but it keeps him grounded at the moment.
"I have known Richard longer than most people can claim to know anyone. When we met, we were young boys going into a war. A world war, he had so many dreams, and he was scared never to accomplish them. I called each of those dreams a ludicrous idea. Morgan, use your heart not your brain, or you will forever remain blind to the world." Morgan takes a deep breath as memories of a different time dance behind his closed eyelids.
Michonne and Rick can tell this story better than anyone can. They have heard all their lives how the dynamic duo came to be.
"I'm here…Right here." Michonne whispers in Rick's ear while she presses her nose to his neck for a reminder that she can find a source of comfort in him.
"At that time, the world was ugly, and he wanted me to see the world. We weren't home but in France. He would always say. We are saving the world. I could care less, but Richard saw the world with his heart. It means he saw how vibrant everything could be, and everyone around him needed to see it that way. I had no choice, and he dragged me into every dream that he had. Once, he told me, Morgan, I need your twenty thousand or we can't be partners. I was a twenty-five-year-old black man during segregation. Where did he want me to find twenty thousand dollars? He wasn't better financially." Morgan stops to laugh, and the small crowd joins him.
The man, who Morgan's words bring to life, is the man, who everyone will miss. Richard Senior always possessed a strange optimism. Rick looks at Michonne, and he glances at the ring on his finger. For a second, he wants to continue the tradition of turning Richard senior's ludicrous dream into impressive reality. If he could only erase that New Year eve, he would see her as he always did.
"It took ten years for him and fifteen for me, but we had forty thousand dollars. I finally asked him why we were collaborating, and he told me that he didn't know yet. It is safe to say our friendship almost didn't survive, but he had another ludicrous idea. He was a farm boy, and he knew a lot about vegetables and fruits. Canned Georgia peach. Grimes and Morgan. My memories of Richard are a succession of ludicrous ideas, which all became true. , It is a lifetime, but I know that he is happy to join his beloved Judith. He was starting to miss her. I will miss him more than I can express. Richard Grimes senior was an amazing man, and I don't have to say anything to prove it. He did a good job convincing all of you of that fact. It is with a heavy heart that I regretfully say an early goodbye to my best friend." Morgan finishes, and his words echo with everyone in attendance.
Richard senior is lowered to the ground. Michonne's body melts into Rick's one. She endlessly tells him that she is by his side, and he can't forget that crucial detail. Eventually, Rick gives into his distress. He rests his chin on the crowd of Michonne's head. The tears roll from his cheek to her dreadlocks. When everyone leaves the grave, Rick and Michonne remain. The rain swallows the sound of Michonne's sobs.
"I will give you a minute," Michonne says before Rick can ask.
She simply senses through his posture that her presence becomes a cause of restraint to Rick. Michonne steps out of the umbrella, and fat drops of rain hit her blazer. Water infiltrates her hair, and Rick holds her hand. He isn't ready to let her go.
Rick looks at Michonne, and he doesn't know how to explain their predicament. He doesn't know why he has to blame her for everything.
He stares at Michonne's eyes as he did during Christmas Eve. For a second, he looks at the world with his heart.
Ethereal and socked in water, the world looks beautiful. Her hand is still warm, and it is hard to let go of her. Although, the old grudges resist t and can't evaporate. Many fears creep to the surface. It is an admission that one night, she stopped looking at him as the man, who he strived to be. Rick was no longer the man in those brown bright eyes. He was the man, who slept with his stepmother. A man, who could never have Michonne.
The night was traumatic, but he has little memory of his rape. What Rick remembers is Michonne. He remembers the horror in her eyes. He remembers the subtle detail in the shade of her iris. He always saw gold layers through the brown, but that night, Michonne's eyes were onyx. Behind the tears, the hatred was vicious and burning through everything, which she ever thought he was. When he looks at Michonne, the insecurities resurface. The hatred in her eyes seems to haunt him. Therefore, he echoes her emotions.
He doesn't know how to be anything but the man who she thinks that he is. Rick frees Michonne's hand. He hates her because she hated him for a second during the moment where he admitted to himself that when he looked at the world with his heart, Rick only saw Michonne.
"Here… we can't have America sweetheart catching death." Rick placed the umbrella over Michonne's head, and he dismisses her.
"I'm sorry, grandpa. You picked the wrong one for your precious Michonne." Rick rolls his wedding band, and he watches his wife walk away.
He draws a deep breath although he is drowning. Rick simply needs to confess. Ten years is too long to battle his conflicted feelings. There are many things that he projects or distorts to preserve his sanity.
"I don't know who hates me the most, her or I. I assume she deep down knows how she makes me feel. She knows how guilty I feel for not matching her expectations. I hate being the man, who she wanted. I hate holding on the idea that she could have talked to me. She could have given me a chance to explain. I hate knowing that I wanted a chance to explain to Michonne that I could care less about Jessie. Although, I didn't want her to know that I felt like less than a man." Rick hesitates, and he doesn't want to revisit that night.
He doesn't want the feeling of being powerless clinging at him. He can't stand his position of a victim. Rick can't stand to be out of control. Since New Year eve, Rick has strived for control, and it makes him feel safe.
"I wanted a chance to apologize or to do whatever could have taken Michonne's pain away. She ran straight to Carlton, and she chose to trust him over me. I could care less about Carlton's opinion of me, but Michonne's opinion matters. I hate myself for feeling that way. More than everything, I hate that she could decide that I wasn't the man, who she thought I was. I hate her for always being out of my reach." He breathes to alleviate the ache of his burning lungs.
"It doesn't matter. Now, I can't look at her without anger. I can't look at her without feeling powerless. I can't look at her without feeling beneath her. I can't look at her without wanting her." The experience is cathartic, and those words are beyond the crevices of his mind, which Rick dared to expose.
Richard senior's death, the morning in Michonne's arms, and Morgan's speech brought to the surface everything Rick tried to suppress. Rick confesses what he will deny in any other circumstances.
"I hate that she can do that to me. I hate her for ruining the life, which I wanted. A life with her. She ruined my life, and she ruined me. I want so bad to ruin her life, and I could do it because you dropped her in my arms. I wouldn't have to try because she will let me do it, and I will hate myself even more. Michonne will hate me too. I hate her." Rick finishes, and he doesn't know what makes his body heavier, the layers of water saturating his clothing or the truth, which ingrained themselves to his mind.
"She ruined my life, and so I will wisely get a divorce."