Ultimately, finally, and after so many months, I bring to you the update.
Thank you for the reviews and some for being patient.
I don't own the walking dead.
Angst ahead and some warning apply with personal sensibility.
Please review
Chapter XIII: My Michonne
"Rick?" Richard senior yells." Richard, stop hiding." He worriedly adds. He looks around the house, and Richard senior cannot find his grandchild. The sight is becoming dark, and it suffices to increase his worry.
A six-year-old Rick drags himself under the stand in the stable. He firmly holds a one-year-old hand. Her brown eyes shine in the dark. She begins to pout. The horses scare her. She clings to Rick, and he does not like the horses too.
Despite his fear, Rick finds himself back against the wall. He has little choices. Rick draws a deep breath, and he continues to move as fast as he can with his short legs.
"Don't cry, my Michonne." Rick's chubby hand rubs Michonne's face to wipe the tears.
Barely steady on her feet, Michonne struggles to follow Rick. The pair of toddlers walk until Rick finds the empty box.
Rick stops, and he helps Michonne crawl in the box. He follows her. They sit side by side. He continues to wipe Michonne's tears. He settles on kissing her forehead in hope to stop the tears as his mom does when Rick cries.
"Grandpa is not going to find us, my Michonne." He happily says.
Rick helps Michonne to sit straight, and he is utterly careful with her beautiful yellow dress. He spreads the fringes so she does not wrinkle it by accidentally sitting on it.
"Young Richard?" Morgan shouts louder." Young Richard?" He walks out of the house.
The night has fallen, and Richard senior and Morgan have searched the entirety of the house. The Grimes and the Jones begin to worry.
Nowhere has escaped the search. A six-year-old child gallivanting with a one-year-old baby is a source of concern. The cold settles in the atmosphere, and the Grimes and Jones begin to worry more as each second fades.
Michonne's mother draws a deep breath. Rick's mother, Claire, runs out of the English garden with Michonne's father, Duane, following. They look desperate, and the absence of the children strengthens the feeling of panic.
"He didn't take her to the garden," Claire announces.
"We have covered the house, the garden, and the lake." Michelle feels exhausted." Where could he take her?" She begins to feel anxious about her daughter's whereabouts. Claire reaches for Michelle, and she hugs.
"Maybe mama will find something by the peach trees." Duane attempts to hold on to hope.
"They are not there." Michelle quietly sobs." What if…" she does not dare to express everyone's greatest fear.
"Can we all calm down?" Richard senior asks before the entire family loses their mind." Rick is intelligent. He wouldn't do something dangerous beyond this." He wisely reminds everyone." He certainly took Michonne where we wouldn't think to look for him because he does not want us to find them." He explains.
"The stables." Morgan concludes." He is afraid of the horses." He adds to explain why no one will look for Rick in that specific place.
"Oh god." Claire laments." Why will he do that?" She knows how easily the horses can panic.
"Because Duane here told him that Michonne was going to leave tomorrow." Morgan replies." And we all know how Rick feels about Michonne." He pointedly looks at his son.
Duane feels slight embarrassment. He did not expect the night to take such a trajectory over such a trivial detail.
"I didn't know Rick would run away with Michonne." Duane argues." I didn't think it would go beyond a tantrum."
"You should have known, baby." Michelle tells her husband." I can't put her in bed without Rick breathing behind my back. Where she goes, he goes and vice versa."
"I will go look for him." Richard senior says." If we all go together, I don't think Rick will cooperate."
"Richard Grimes junior." Richard senior calls his grandson. "I know you're in there. Please, come out."
Rick moves further in the box. Michonne yawns and she only watches Rick drag her with him. They sit in the straws.
"Shush," Rick tells Michonne.
"Rick, you have to come out." He softly asks." You know Michonne does not like the horses. She is going to be afraid." He diplomatically decides to pull on Rick's heartstrings.
Michonne continues to cling to Rick in the small dark box. Rick looks at Michonne, and she looks afraid. The tears have yet to fall, but she will cry any given moment. He does not like to see Michonne's cry.
"Don't cry." He pats Michonne's cheek.
Rick reluctantly comes out of the box. Richard senior runs toward the children. He hugs Rick and Michonne.
"You scared everyone, Rick." Richard senior announces while he pulls away from his grandchild." Let's go home."
"No." Rick firmly replies." I don't want to go home. Uncle Duane is going to take my Michonne." Rick sounds extremely displeased with that possibility.
He tightly holds Michonne's hand. Rick has made his mind. Michonne and he will now live in the stables.
"Well, Michonne has to go home, Richard." His grandpa attempts to make Rick hear reason.
"No." Rick retorts, and he is on the verge of crying." She doesn't want to go home." He argues.
Richard senior cocks an eyebrow. He crouches to be at eye-level with his grandchild. Rick puts Michonne behind him, and he does not intend to give an inch.
Rick stands before his grandfather. He appears decided. A small frown on his forehead shows his concentration.
"Richard." Rick's grandfather softly says." You can't just decide to keep Michonne with you."
Rick frowns, and he questions the veracity of his grandfather's claim. He does not want Michonne to leave.
"I can." He argues with the entitlement of a stubborn six-year-old." She is my Michonne."
Richard senior scratches his head. He looks at his grandchild, and he admits that he has a problem on his hands.
"Richard." Rick's grandfather looks for the appropriate words." I know you like Michonne, but Uncle Duane and Aunt Michelle also really love Michonne. You don't want to leave your mom and dad?" Richard senior asks.
Rick nods, and he finds himself sad at the thought.
"Michonne doesn't want to leave her mom and dad too." He clarifies." Do you want Michonne to be sad?"
"No." Rick quietly replies." But I don't want her to go." He begins to cry.
Michonne wraps her small arms around Rick. Richard senior lifts the joined pair of toddlers in his arms. He kisses Rick's forehead.
"You know Uncle Duane and Aunt Michelle don't live too far. We can go to visit Michonne when you want." He attempts to comfort his grandchild." We can go to Michonne's house, and she can come home." He adds when Rick begins to wipe his tears." Just like they did this holiday."
"I want a house with Michonne." Rick petulantly asks.
Richard draws a deep breath, and he again kisses Rick's forehead.
"I promise when you grow up, you can have a house with Michonne if you convince her. I will even get you one. Only not now because you both need your parents." He tells Rick with tenderness.
Rick and Michonne lay by the lake as they always do when the sun becomes orange and the sky is full of red. The grass is wet from the morning rain, and Michonne will ruin her dress if Rick did not forgo his sweater for her to lie on it.
Michonne remains quiet, and Rick fills the silence with endless tales. Since they have become friends, he is used to Michonne's silence. She only speaks when the need arises.
Despite many one-sided conversations, Rick and Michonne are inseparable. The time, which he spent comforting her of Duane's death, has created an unbreakable bond. He is at the centre of her happiness. It is a slow process, but Michonne is finding balance with the help of Rick and her grandfather
Michonne and Rick spend their days together. One cannot roam around the ranch without the other. Often, they finish by the lake like today. Sometimes, they hide in the stables so the day cannot end with them parting from each other to go home.
Michonne turns on her belly to face Rick. The grass scratches her legs, and the border of the ranch lake is heaven from the insects. Now, it is muddy and Rick's sweater is forever ruined.
"We have to run away." Michonne ultimately speaks.
Rick stops talking, and he looks at his eight-year-old friend. He does not understand where she got the ludicrous idea to run away. From his thirteen-year-old reasoning, Rick grasps how bad of an idea it is. Running away is dangerous. Claire has never ceased to tell him since he was six and took Michonne with him.
"Why?" Rick curiously asks.
He does not intend to indulge Michonne, but Rick wants to know what makes her look so anxious. He can offer the ear, which has kept Michonne happy.
Michonne sighs, and she sits on the fresh-cut grass. She glares at Rick because he dares to ask why instead of when and where. She does not want to run away by herself, or it serves no purpose in the present situation. They have to do it together.
Richard Grimes junior is stupid. Michonne always knew as much, and so she forgives him for asking. She draws a deep breath, and she remembers to be patient with him. Despite being an idiot who talks too much, Michonne likes Rick a lot.
"I'm going to France." Michonne tells him." To be with my mama." She continues to speak." To live there forever." She looks at him in the eyes, and so he can know how dire the situation is.
Rick's mouth opens, and he has no immediate thoughts. His heart begins to beat fast. He looks at the sky. He begins to think about coming to the lake alone, and Rick feels sick. With a series of thoughts, Rick concludes that Michonne is right.
"You can't leave." Rick says with a voice oozing with fear." You're my Michonne."
Michonne nods, and she already concluded as much when Morgan told her last night.
"And you're my Rick." She softly replies." We have to run away." Michonne repeats.
"Okay." Rick agrees." When?"
"Tonight, I have my bag," Michonne replies.
"Someone saw them by the bus stop, Mr Grimes." The sheriff tells Richard senior. "Mr Jones took them to the dining across the street." He finishes with his finger pointing to the other side of the sheriff office.
Richard senior breathes a sigh of relief. He has never had a scarier night. They spent endless hours trying to find his grandchildren.
"Thank you, sheriff." Richard senior walks out, and he crosses the road.
In the old dining, he finds the table where Morgan sits with his grandchildren. Michonne sleeps with her head on Rick's shoulder. The pair of runways is as usual unbreakable. In the last two months, Richard senior does not remember seeing Rick without Michonne attached to his hip.
"Will you jump from a bridge if Michonne asked you to do it?" Morgan asks Rick after listening to the explanation of how they ended up at the bus station.
"He will with the brightest smile." Richard senior replies for his grandchild." What is it tonight?" He sits next to Morgan.
Richard senior looks at Rick who shows some remorse after Morgan's lecture. However, he does not miss the fire in Rick's eyes. Richard senior shakes his head. He might have to do well on his promise to buy Rick and Michonne a house.
"This young man tried to run away from home because Michonne asked. He made his bag, and they left tonight with all their savings." Morgan repeats the event, which sent the Jones and Grimes in a big panic.
"Someone recognized them at the bus station, and he called the police. The sheriff called me when we were looking for them." Morgan briefly retells the event.
Richard senior sighs and he refrains from laughing because he does not want to encourage his grandchild.
"Is it because Michonne is going to live in France?" Richard senior expertly asks.
Rick nods, and he sips his milkshake.
"She doesn't want to go, and I don't want her to go." He explains." We want to stay together." Rick defends his actions." So I said we should run away." He again attempts to shift the blame.
"Young Richard." Morgan laments." I know Michonne gave you the idea."
"No, she didn't." Rick argues." I convinced her. Don't punish her." He insists.
"Michonne told me it was her idea," Morgan reveals.
"That is not true." Rick camps on his position.
Morgan throws a look at his best friend. Without a doubt, they know who suggested that they run away. Richard senior looks at Rick, and he reaches for his grandson.
"You're both going to be grounded. It does not matter who came up with the idea." He tells Rick.
"I did." Rick refuses to retract his claim.
"Then you should have known better. Richard Grimes junior, you cannot run away from home with no money. It is dangerous outside. What would you do if something awful happened to Michonne?" Richard senior asks.
"We have the money." Rick draws the money out of his pocket." I wouldn't let something happen to Michonne." He says with unwavering certitude.
"Four hundred dollars," Morgan tells Richard senior. " All his savings." He sighs.
"You cannot decide to run away with Michonne only because she is going to France." Richard senior announces to Rick.
"But she wants to stay with me." Rick argues." Grandpa, my Michonne cannot leave. I don't want her to leave."
"They won't stop trying." Richard senior knowingly informs his best friend." I don't think they will accept to part from each other. Rick and his Michonne."
"I know." Morgan replies with clear exhaustion." Michonne and her Rick." He agrees.
Rick's eyes are on Michonne. She stares through the half-open door. His Michonne is in tears, and he is going to run away with her when it is over.
Rick holds on Michonne's eyes as a dying soul might hold to the hand giving him comfort through the last ritual.
Jessie leans to kiss him. He cannot bear it. His vision blurs, and through the curtain of tears, he clings to Michonne's eyes. Once it is over, they are going to run away.
Michonne's brown eyes quickly turn pitch black. She is furious. He has never seen her angry with him. Rick has never done anything that warranted such a reaction before tonight.
Jessie's hands are all over his skin. He tries for her to move. He fails each time. Rick feels trapped in his body. Michonne holds onto the door. She is going to save him, and they will run away.
Michonne stops to move, and her look is haunting. She feels trapped. Rick has made Michonne cry a bunch of times. It is unavoidable when the entirety of her life intertwines with his life.
However, those tears do not compare to the one, which she sheds now. Rick faces the hurt in Michonne's eyes. He wants to reach his Michonne and comfort her. Therefore, he builds his escape from Jessie's claw through an exchange to look with Michonne. He seeks peace and comfort for Michonne and him in the brown of his Michonne's eyes.
The comfort does not last. Michonne's eyes contain emotions, which Rick cannot bear. The hatred pouring through the golden under layers of her glistening eyes. The tears drenching her visage would not be more painful to endure if they were not so filled with pain.
Michonne unhands the door. She takes a step back. Rick pleads with his eyes. She should stay with him. She needs to save him. Now or later, she needs to save him. Michonne stops, and she feels rooted on the floor. Jessie reaches for Rick's hand.
"I love you." She says with a smile spreading on her lips.
Rick looks at Michonne. She heard those words. He can see it in the way she recoils from his look. She is going to run away without him. Michonne is going to run away from the hurt, which he caused. There will be no house where they will leave together.
Rick watches his happiness burn-in Michonne's eyes. She does not have to voice her thoughts. His Michonne's eyes are too expressive.
She hates him.
He broke her heart.
He does not deserve her love.
Michonne is going to leave him.
Michonne takes a step back, and she takes another one until she disappears from his sight. They will not run away together. Michonne is no longer his. Jessie forces another kiss.
Rick prays that Michonne returns.
He does not care how long he has to wait.
It is a rule. She is his Michonne. He is her Rick. They run away together if something tries to keep them apart.
Rick patiently waits. Michonne will return.
Jessie rises, and she begins to clean herself. She comes back to sit by his side.
"I know you want to be stubborn about it, but we have something special, Rick." Her hands frame his face." I know you love me. I know you're mine." She adds with certitude.
Rick only holds onto the thought of Michonne coming back, and so they can run away together.
"How can we let this go because of something trivial like your father? We can fuck under his nose. Rick, I love you." She kisses him.
Jessie stands, and she begins to dress up. Rick watches her leave the room.
He continues to wait.
Michonne did not come to save him.
"I think we were not meant to be…" Rick says." I don't think you…" He speaks because he hates when Michonne chooses to be silent.
"I will kill her…" Michonne whispers and Rick looks at Michonne." Jessie…"
"Don't." Rick interrupts Michonne." Don't say it." He pleads with her.
"She raped you." Michonne cannot hold her words.
Rick recoils at the truth. He almost loses grip of the instant. Michonne underestimates the strength of a well-chosen word. Rick's goodwill disappears at that moment.
"Baby." Michonne reaches for Rick." I…" She tries to hug him, but Rick recoils further away from her." I didn't understand. I didn't." She looks at him in a way that hurts Rick.
He feels vulnerable. Rick dislikes the weight of pity. He confuses weakness with emasculation.
Michonne means no harm. She hardly means to pity him. Rick bestows upon her with a single glance all his insecurities. The kindness and affection in Michonne's eyes do not translate, as they should to Rick's mind. Rick is hiding too far in his protective shell.
Rick does not say a word. He feels drained, and he falls into a certain apathy. He rises from the sofa, and Michonne watches him leave. She fails to catch his hand while he rushes to escape her proximity.
"Rick," Michonne calls for him.
She rises, and she runs after him. Michonne grabs Rick's arm, and she pulls to stop him. He halts when it becomes obvious that she will not let him leave
"Hey," Michonne calls for him when he stares at her with a blank canvas of emotions.
"Don't go." Michonne immediately pleads." Don't go. Don't go...don't go." She takes hold of his face." Not this time, please." She quietly asks.
Rick inhales, and he doesn't know how to breathe. He coughs trying to grasp for air. He pulls Michonne's hand away from his face. Her touch burns him beyond the flesh.
"I'm going to get you a cab, or Sasha can come to pick you up." He announces without missing a bit." You can't be here now." He states.
Michonne blinks her surprise away. Rick Grimes must have lost his mind along the way. She pulls him back toward her. If Rick thinks Michonne will leave while his confession has left his soul distraught, he has forgotten the woman who she is.
"I'm not leaving you." Michonne firmly says." How can you think I will do something like that?" She questions Rick." I'm going to stay here with you."
He looks at her with a blank expression. Rick takes some steps back. Michonne senses how overwhelmed he might be. He refuses to look at her. He avoids each of her glances. Despite Michonne's best effort to reach out, Rick is shutting down. Michonne watches him rebuild walls, which he accidentally destroyed to let her in his life.
"You did it that night." Rick quietly accuses Michonne." You left… you left. You left me." He spits those words at her face." You should leave. Tonight, I can't…" Rick admits.
Michonne draws a deep breath, and she attempts to reach for him. Rick rejects her touch. Confessing the truth did not make him open himself. Rick feels vulnerable, and his defence mechanisms arise to protect him. Now, he is more closed off than when he walked into the apartment.
"I didn't know." Michonne repeats as she has done these last minutes." You know what I thought…" Rick does not allow Michonne to finish her statement.
He grabs the first thing, which he can reach. Rick hurls the vase into the wall behind him. Michonne stares in a quiet shock.
…
…
...
"Was it easier to believe that I fucked Jessie?" Rick asks." I thought." He abruptly stops speaking.
"I loved you." Michonne fills the blank." My Rick." She quietly tells him.
Her words unleash hell upon Rick. His demons crawl out of the pit of his anger. His emotions surge forward to consume him.
"That's not the truth." Rick retorts." I loved you more than anything did. I would have saved you. I would have run away with you. I waited for you each time. You didn't come. You didn't come. You left me behind." He accuses Michonne.
Rick draws a deep breath. He cannot remember when he gave up on waiting for Michonne. He remembers packing his bag in that faithful Christmas morning.
Rick remembers leaving alone by the same bus station where the sheriff picked them from when he had agreed to leave with her. He always loved Michonne. He looks at her, and he doubts she loved him with the same devotion, which he offered to her.
Rick does not believe Michonne loved him with such a dedication. She idolater him as long as he could maintain perfection. Once, he was no longer flawless. She shoved him down a pedestal. Despite everything, Rick never ceased to love her. Now, he does not know how to work it out with her.
"You didn't choose me." He points out." Was it easier to believe that I fucked Jessie?"
His slippery hold on control disappears. Michonne does not immediately think of anything. Her eyes follow the broken pieces of porcelain. Rick might be in a similar state.
She has no proper rebuttal for his claim. Her present shock slows her mind. Michonne looks at Rick. Her tears are abundant. Rick doubts her sincerity.
"No!" Michonne whispers." It wasn't easier to believe it. It was something I thought I saw." She corrects him." Do you know what I thought the entirety of that single night? Not my Rick. I talked myself out of the memory, and it would always come back. I would swear my Rick wouldn't do that, but I saw you. What was I supposed to do?" Michonne dares to question him.
Rick would never question her. He knows what to do when it concerns her. He would have trusted her.
Rick looks at Michonne as if she has stabbed him with a venomous blade. He begins to pace, and Michonne begins to worry because he carelessly steps on the broken porcelain.
"Baby, stop." Michonne jumps before Rick." I'm sorry." She tells him.
Rick bypasses Michonne. He cannot stand still, or he will implode. Rick cannot leave his home, or he might do something stupid. Rick does not want Michonne around him when he feels nothing but anger and mistrust. He made a promise to fix the situation. He wants to repair what he broke. Despite his best effort, Rick knows tonight cannot end quietly tonight. His boiling soul will not allow peace to reign.
"I will call Sasha." Rick abruptly tells Michonne." You need to go there for a while. I…" Rick cannot think as clearly as he wants.
"I'm not leaving you," Michonne repeats.
Rick laughs, and it is bitter and putrid. She could extract hatred and anger out of every giggle. Michonne shivers at echoes of his laugh resonating around her. This unstable side of Rick is something, which she didn't contemplate. She wipes the tears before they fall.
"Go away." Rick almost pleads with Michonne.
She refuses to listen to him. Michonne shakes her head.
"I'm staying." She firmly replies.
"Fucking leave." Rick bellows, and she flinches when he comes to close to her." Do you…" He has no words left.
…
…
…
Rick grabs a chair, and he hurls it without care into the closest wall. Michonne looks at the breaking wood. She forces herself to breathe. She tells herself Rick will never hurt her.
"You wouldn't hurt me." Michonne rushes the words out.
Rick knows that she is uncertain of the outcome. She flinched when he approached her. Facing the little faith, which Michonne has in him, is hurtful. Another time, she stabs him deeper.
"Not tonight." Rick replies." I thought I could get you back. I wanted to have you back. I lost you that night. I lost you, everything, and myself. If you think I can hurt you, I…" He begins to pace again.
Rick feels trapped like the night when Jessie raped him. He has no control on the situation. Each time he attempts to grasp on some of it, Michonne is in his way with her stubbornness. He wants to be alone to deal with the fallout. He wants to create carnage.
This time, he refuses to wait for Michonne. He will not fall asleep with a stupid hope that she will return to him. Rick's heart breaks, and some details, which he had forgotten, begin to resurface. The colour of the bed sheet that Christmas night. Rick feels sick. He is angry beyond words and emotions. The taste of alcohol on Jessie's tongue and how she clung to him drive him insane. She smelled like cotton candy. Sickly sweet, he has always hated cotton candy.
"I need you to leave." Rick tells Michonne." You did it once. You can do it again. Fucking leave, Chonne." He yells at Michonne.
"I swear I won't leave this time." Michonne promises." I'll stay with you through it all." She insists.
Rick does not want to listen to Michonne's promise. He does not count those, which she already broke. That night, he had nothing left, and even, her broken promises were unaffordable.
"Do you want to hear it all?" Rick taunts." When you left, do you want to hear it?" He threatens." She kept telling me how much she loved me. She called me her Rick. She swore I was hers. I wasn't yours anymore. I wasn't yours. She took it away. You left Michonne. You left me. Do you want to know what she did? The morning after, the years after, last week. Do you want to know? Stay and find it out." He grabs a chair from the dining table and hurls it.
Michonne does not flinch nor does she fret. She grabs his arm. She struggles to intertwine their fingers. Rick retakes his hand.
"Don't touch me." He quietly says." Don't do that, please. You can't just touch me because you feel like it." Rick sounds frightened for a second." You can't own my body. Don't touch me. I can't…"
Michonne raises her hands in surrender. She watches the pain, which her touch caused. She shivers with the aftermath.
"I'm sorry." She immediately tells him." You're right. I can't just touch you." Michonne softly adds.
"Don't do that too." He chastises for complying to appease him.
Her tone infuriates Rick. He hates the cajoling oozing from it. He feels the bile rise through his stomach. She does not see him as a man.
"I'm not a weak child. I'm not a broken man. I'm not a toy." Rick furiously repeats." Don't treat me as if I was any of those."
Michonne's heart cracks at the sight of Rick's distress. She steps closer to me, and he creates a bigger gap between them.
"Baby, let me help," Michonne begs.
Rick stops to breathe. He grabs Michonne's arm, and he begins to drag her toward the door. Michonne sinks her feet on the floor. She refuses to allow Rick to shut down for another ten years or an eternity this time.
"Fucking leave," Rick yells while he frees Michonne's arm.
"I'm sorry I left once. I'm sorry, Rick. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left." Michonne repeats." I'm sorry. I'm not going to leave again."
…
…
…
Rick no longer can hold his nerves. He did not want Michonne to see how ugly it can get when he loses every ounce of control. Her apology breaks the little restraint, which he had. Despite listening to words that he always wanted to hear, Rick does not feel vindicated. The weight on his shoulders is heavier than a minute ago. For years, he quietly hoped Michonne would have the miraculous solution. Now, she puts the weight of forgiveness on his dislocated shoulders.
"Fuck you." Rick yells at Michonne." You will take it all. Don't you. You want to see how ugly it gets. You like to fucking suffer. Is that why you watched while Jessie fucked me?" A chair flies across the room." You're going to hate me. You hate me. You did after that night. Leave...leave." He begins to plead desperately." Don't take it all. Get angry. Tell me you hate me. You earned it." Rick pours his heart out for Michonne to heal." You hate me. You hate me." Michonne closes her eyes to hide her fear when another flower vase flies.
Drops of blood drip from his hand, and splinters of wood dig in palms. Rick cut his palm holding too hard the vase.
"Baby." Michonne does not care for the broken furniture. "I don't hate you."
She jumps over a piece of wood to reach for Rick. She grabs his shirt, and she forces him to come to her. Michonne pulls until he stands too tall before her.
"You're my Rick." Michonne softly says." You will always be. I'm never going to leave you. I don't hate you." She desperately wants to hold him, but she raises her hand to show how dedicated she is to respect his need." I'm going to stay. I'm going to keep you safe. You just have to let me in." Michonne says to Rick with tenderness." Let me in." She begs.
"Fuck off." Rick retorts." leave!"
"No." Michonne firmly replies.
Rick takes a step away from Michonne. She could grab him with a simple extension of her hands. Michonne keeps her hands where he can see them. She does not attempt to approach him.
For a few seconds, Rick and Michonne stand in quietness. The storm continues to brew. The tension cracks. Michonne withholds a cry when Rick slams his fist in the wall.
"Do you want to leave now?" He asks Michonne while looking in her eyes.
Michonne draws a deep breath. She wipes the tears, which betrays her anxiety.
"No." Michonne replies." Let me in." She insists.
Rick cannot endure her stubbornness. Michonne camping on her position infuriates him. He does not understand why she cannot see the truth.
"Do you think it ended when you ran away from that door?" Rick cowers into a new form of violence." Do you want to know what sex means to me because of how long and how much time she went about it?" Rick throws at Michonne's face the horrible truth." Leave, Michonne." He threatens her with the silent promise to share the horror of his life.
Michonne braces herself for the worse, and she understands how much Rick holds. She sees the conflict ravaging him. He holds on the most hurtful detail of that night. The cruellest part drives him insane.
"If it helps, tell me whatever you need to say." Michonne complies." Tell me the ugly."
Rick expects a fight. He wants the argument. Now, she has cornered him. She wants to hear him, and now, he hates speaking.
"Leave." Rick reiterates.
"No." Michonne softly replies." Not without you this time." She insists." I'm sorry that I didn't pack my bag to leave with you. I'm sorry I didn't come to the bus station. I'm sorry you waited for ten years." Michonne genuinely pours her heart." I'm angry that she hurt you. I'm angry it happened under my eyes. I didn't hear from you. I didn't trust you. I didn't save you. I didn't hold your hand once it was over. I wasn't there. It is ten years too late." Michonne draws a shaky breath. "I'm sorry, Rick. It might be ten years too late, but I'm here now. I'm going to stay. I'm going to listen. I'm going to trust you. I will hold your hand if you want me to do that. I'm not leaving you. I will do anything but leave."
…
…
...
Rick takes a step back. He does not know how to reconcile his emotions. Michonne's stubbornness is a divine test to his control.
"Look at me." Rick asks." It gets worse." He announces with forced detachment." You don't deserve it. The anger does not end with broken chairs. It comes and goes. The fear does not stop at a few nightmares. I can't bear my thoughts for days. You don't deserve this." He finishes with exhaustion.
Not once Michonne has stopped raising her hands. Rick continues to look at them as if he is afraid of her hand when anything could set a spiral of horror.
"We will work through anger. Yours and mine. Your Michonne is shattered too. I did a poor job of living without you. I need you." She confesses.
"You deserve more than me." Rick argues, "You deserve a man." He repeats." Michonne." He softly says.
"I'm not leaving." Michonne does not waver.
"When you left, she continued…" Rick stops, and he slams his fist in the wall.
Michonne watches his knuckles burst. She does not know how much of his pain can escape through the violence. She does not know how long the bones can stand the constant harm.
"Rick." Michonne attempts to plead with him." Look at me." She asks with tenderness." It's only you and me like in the lake. You can speak all you want, and I will listen. You and me. Remember the lake. Remember the stables. You and me." Michonne reaches for memories, which never can die.
Rick's hand grabs the wall, and he slowly sinks. He drags his knee toward him. Michonne kneels before him.
"Can I touch you?" Michonne asks.
"No," Rick replies with panic oozing from his voice.
"I won't." Michonne pushes her hand further away from Rick.
For a few minutes, Rick and Michonne share heavy silence. Rick struggles from his breath.
"I can't make love to you." Rick says with exhaustion." Like the other night, I can't do that. It means I'm out of control. When I get out of control, I do something to hurt you or myself. I couldn't stay in that bed. I wanted you to wake up in my arms, but I can't stand it. The intimacy, I panic when I have to be intimate." He explains." Do you want a husband who can't make love to you?" He intends to discourage her.
"We don't have to have sex," Michonne says without hesitating.
"Well, that is an issue. I need sex, a lot. I use it for control. A night like this one, I would be fucking someone to get a chance to choose." Rick confesses." I'm twisted, Chonne. You were right to leave." He laments." I'm something so broken. You can't pick all the pieces. Some pieces had grounded to nothingness. No lake or stables could be enough to escape, and you don't deserve this."
"Okay, you want sex." Michonne replies." Okay, we can have sex now." She pulls on her shirt until some button breaks.
Rick watches the tears pool in Michonne's eyes. He remembers Christmas Eve.
"Don't fucking cry." Rick orders." Don't do that."
Michonne wipes her tears. Rick draws a deep breath. He closes his eyes. He opens them to face Michonne. He does not know how long, she will agree to descend into hell with him.
"You need to leave." Rick quietly tells Michonne.
"No." Michonne refuses.
"I'm going to go in and out of rage tonight. I will want sex. I will be mean to you. You deserve better." Rick repeats.
"I'm not leaving you again." Michonne does not care for what he warns her against now. "I can't do that to us." She moves from kneeling to a sitting position.
"I can't do this to us." Rick retorts." I miss when you looked at me with love. I lost that. Leave before I lose more." He wipes the tears, which dare to fall.
"Can I touch you?" Michonne asks because not consoling him is painful.
"No," Rick repeats.
"I still look at you with love," Michonne tells Rick.
"Stop lying." He sounds angry.
"Look at me, baby." Michonne softly asks." Look at me. Not the girl, not your eight-year-old best friend, not the hurt and ." She insists until he looks at her." I'm a woman. Your wife. I can't look at you as I did years ago. Still, it is because I'm not those girls anymore." She rushes before Rick can misunderstand her." I have scars, and you have some. I have new demons, and you have yours. You're not a boy who can't stop talking. You're not twenty-one and refusing to let me around you. I still look at you with love. It is not a naive love. It is not a hurt love. It is flawed love. It is uncertain love. It is angry love. It is a love I have tried to forget. I look at you with love. I need you to look at me and understand that I'm a woman in love with you. It is nothing I regret."
Rick's rest his head against the wall. He feels exhausted. He has never been angrier and yet contained.
"She said she loved me… She called it making love to me. That night…" Rick looks at Michonne.
He sees that glimmer of love. The brown of her eyes has layers of gold. Her tenderness nips at his anger.
"She raped you." Michonne corrects." We're going to make her pay for it."
Rick chuckles, and he has no other way to react.
"I'm a man." Rick has no better words.
"Men are raped too." Michonne insists. "She didn't make love to you. Jessie drugged you, and she raped you."
"No." Rick firmly says." She said I wanted it. Her perfume… she said it again and again. You believed her. I… she smelled like cotton candy. I hate cotton candy because one time it made you throw up on my shoes. I smelled like cotton candy at the end. You believed her."
Michonne remembers the fair where he dragged her. She ate so much cotton candy that she felt sick. Now, Michonne hates it too.
"I didn't believe her. I was jealous. I was a child." Michonne says." I didn't give you a chance to tell me what she did. I was wrong. Jessie forced herself on you. I believe you." She clarifies." I believe you. I'm ready to listen. I believe you."
Rick finds comfort in those words. He almost reached Michonne. He refrains at the last second.
"I'm ruined." Rick claims." I'm so broken." He confesses." She does not want to stop. She continues to ruin me. Michonne, I'm sorry. I know you hate me. I'm sorry I let it happen. I'm sorry I let it happen. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Michonne can no longer hold the tears. She suffers through an apology, which Rick should never have to make.
"I want to touch you." Michonne cries." I want to comfort you." She attempts to regain some strength." Can I touch you?"
"No." Rick recoils further away from Michonne." This is what I want you to understand. You can't fucking touch me. I can't make love to you. I'm broken. You're stupid for staying. I can't protect you from this if you stay."
Michonne wipes her tears. She searches for words.
"I'm not leaving you." Michonne stands by her statement." I'm not leaving."
"Michonne." Rick pleads.
"Jessie doesn't get to ruin you." Michonne replies." She does not get to continue breaking you piece by piece. I refuse to let it happen." She moves extremely close to Rick.
He does not move away. Rick rests his head against Michonne's one. He inhales her soft scent of vanilla.
"Remember the lake." Rick whispers." I wanted to run away with you after that night. I waited, Michonne. I needed you to save me." He begins to shed tears, which he has held for ten years." Jessie left… She smiled and said she loved me. I waited. I wanted you to come with me. I needed my Michonne. I remember the lake. You didn't come to the bus station. You didn't come to save me." Rick says with desperation.
"I had to do it on my own. It is not working. Baby, I'm crashing. I don't know how to do the saving for myself. It's not working. I can't find the lake. Mimi, I'm sorry. It's not working, Mimi. She came into my room. It never stops. I can't stop the fear. I can't control the anger. I…" He jumps from a word to another as if he can hold a thought.
"You're going to fight that battle with me. We can be angry together. We can be afraid together. I'm going to do the saving this time." Michonne states.
"I don't want you to save me." Rick argues, and he will never agree to crush Michonne's soul with such a responsibility." I want you to be happy, Mimi. I want you far from this mess. Forget how selfish I was. I'm sorry for trying to drown with you. Don't drown with me."
"Fight the battle with me." Michonne retorts." You can be out of control. I will pull you out of it. You're afraid. I will hold your hand. Jessie wants to hurt you, and I will kill her if she touches one of your curls." She softly responds. "I will help you save yourself. You're better at the saving anyway. I always follow your orders better." She insists." Listen to me; we're going to fight together. I'm not going to leave." Michonne finishes.
Rick remains quiet. He wraps his arm around Michonne. Despite her desire to comfort him, Michonne refrains from touching him. For some hours, Rick clings to Michonne. He breathes her, and he seeks her peace.
"Hug me." He asks.
Michonne's arms close around Rick, and she tightly holds him.
"We're going to fight together. I'm not letting anyone hurt you. Not your father or Jessie."
Jessie drags the jerrycan out of her trunk. She has waited all night for the last worker to make his exits. Now, she watches him walk to his car. Jessie uses the cover of the night to hide for any inquiries about her presence in the parking.
She grabs the key, which Pete gave her. She stares at the small building before her. After a minute, Jessie finds her strength. She walks toward the autopsy room.
When Jessie reaches the corridors, she looks around for any cameras around the building for the second time today. Jessie already came earlier to check, and there were none.
Strong from the certainty that she will not encounter obstacles, Jessie heads toward the morgue. Her steps echo in the empty corridor.
Jessie feels some anger built at Pete refusing to help her, but she will find a way to have him pay for the act. She drags the jerrycan with her.
Light hits the walls.
"Hello." The voice spreads from a room to another." This is… I hope some idiot doesn't think it is time for a bet with a friend." The security guy laments.
Jessie has to hide when she hears steps. Her heart accelerates, and she prays for the steps to echo further from her.
For a few seconds, she waits. The sound fades, and Jessie comes to look around. She moves toward the autopsy room, and she opens it.
"Let's get done with it," Jessie says aloud.
She begins to pull on the refrigerating box containing the dead bodies. She drags the heavy metal door.
"Fuck." She cries at the smell of dead bodies hitting her when she pulls the box open.
Jessie drags a few boxes open before she can find Richard senior's corpse. She pulls the sheets away, and she breathes a sigh of relief. His body appears untouched. She cannot see any cut, and he might have not received his autopsy yet.
"Old bastard." Jessie whispers the words angrily." You fucked me over." She spits on Richard senior's body.
Jessie grabs the jerrycan filled with gasoline. She begins to pour it all over the body. She empties the container, and she begins to search her pocket for a lighter.
"Fuck you and your dumb son," Jessie says as parting words.
She lights Richard senior's body on fire, and she closes the box before the fire expands everywhere. Jessie knows that the fire alarm will go on, but no one will be able to pull the scorching metal box. The proof of her guilt is going into flames.
Jessie rushes out of the room, and the fire begins to expand from one box to another. She runs to her car, and Jessie drives away.
"Only Rick now." She says with a small smile." I only need to get Rick back."