Chapter 22 - Second Chances

November, 1984

Sephiroth feels lost as he stands on this corner of Midgar.

The rest of the city turns without him, the evening crowd parting with glares and annoyances. He knows the way back to HQ. He is not physically lost. He's on the sidewalk that he walks with Mariella every weekday. The difference is Mariella is not with him. His phone had a text on in when class let out for the day. A meeting ran late and it was an early release at school so he's on his own to come back to Shinra.

If he goes straight and crosses the road, he'll walk past the bakery, clothing stores and then the blend of business buildings with mirror fronts. HQ will grow in front of him until he has to squint to see the top. The staff card in his pocket will open the staff entrance. The elevator will go up to R&D and he will stay in his room until it is time for dinner and Dinand.

To his right is something different. His head spins on his neck with that possibility.

All these strangers walk around him. He pushes his hands in his pocket and stares at his shoes. The inside of his cheek is already raw. He chewed it during PE. He's been trying to hide his strength. It didn't work. He climbed the rope too fast. The comments kept coming the rest of the day. The white tops of the shoes have more scuff marks on them. When things get bad, he counts them instead of looking at people. If he had his memories, he could retreat to the better times that others have but all he sees are bad shadows.

He should go straight. He should go back to HQ.

His feet keep him in place.

The side street has more shops. The old looking lamps are lit and people come and go. Every time he walks past this block, he sneaks a look down it to see one of the wooden looking shops. The red overhang flutters with gold embellishment. Again and again, he reads the silver cursive on the sign.

A Multitude of Universes - An Independent Bookstore

He shouldn't. He knows he shouldn't.

There is a small library in the R&D department and in the right bottom corner is the fiction shelf. All the books are bent and soft. Several have handwritten reviews on the inside covers. He's read every single one of them three times. Voices are in his dreams now. They sound like his classmates and they say everything that they are saying about him. It makes him tighten into a ball but even then they don't go away. Awfulness pounds him. On rare occasions, he opens his eyes to see the lady in the corner dripping water on his floor and staring at him.

Sometimes it is better to stay up.

So he reads until he wakes up in the morning with the book pressed against his cheek.

It helps with the void of memories too. He can pretend he has the confidence and the love that is on the page. Maybe someday, they could be his real memories somehow? Every book on that shelf has been memorized. He's thought about asking Mariella to go to this bookstore but reading is something that is purely his.

If he gets a thick book, he swallows, it might last a long time.

Going there means that he has to go off the path. He's supposed to go in a straight line. Mariella trusts him to make smart decisions. He shouldn't do something without permission. Dinand has boiled that into him. The light changes and the street corner floods with people. The light pole shields him from everyone. The store disappears behind jackets and bodies. The loss of the sight of the store hurts him.

His heart hits hard in his ears as he walks to the right. He hurries. No one stops him. He glances over his shoulder. The world continues to move on. No one has noticed. The front door is painted red and is chipped on the bottom. He wants to stop, to think hard about this decision but he knows if he does, he won't go in. He'll never be here again.

The door opens with a chime.

Sephiroth stops as it swings shut behind him. His mind drains away. No coherent thoughts connect to his sight. It is better than his imagination. Books cover every surface of the long and narrow store. Some of their covers are on display in this labyrinth of bookshelves that go up to the ceiling. It smells like perfume from old things. He drinks in everything. He didn't know that this many books could exist in one place.

"Are you lost or something?" A voice asks to his left. A girl sits behind the counter. She's about his age with her feet on the countertop and a phone falling from her fingers to her lap. She frowns hard at him.

Sephiroth stares back, forgetting the day he's had. How could she look so bored when her whole world is covered in books?

"What-" she stutters as she locks onto his eyes. "Well, fine, are you looking for something specific?"

Wonder strikes him again as he takes another look around. He shakes his head, not sure what the right thing will be to say. He doesn't want to ruin this. She blows out a breath at him. Her curly hair is strange to him.

"Fiction is upstairs. This is all nonfiction. Stairs are in the back," she says.

"There is a second floor?" His thought comes out into words without him meaning to. He shouldn't be talking.

That earns him a flicker of a smile. "We need a third floor for books but, yeah, we've got a second. Let me know if you have any questions."

With that, she leans back in her chair and the phone comes up. He takes a step away. Her eyes never leave the screen. He's safe. She doesn't know he's not supposed to be here. She doesn't hear his heart beating. That apathy makes him tense. Everybody always wants something.

The books don't let him dwell on it.

Later that night, Sephiroth lays in bed and stares at the neat pile of books on his desk across from him. He reads the titles repeatedly. They are there. He owns books he picked out for himself. He ends up purchasing three. One is so thick that he can't hold it comfortably, another is about a hero trying to defeat a god and the last one came from the staff pick with a cursive script that read: It's good. It is delightful.

The aching hole in the back of his mind fades as he stares at the spines. He couldn't pick which one to start so they sit and wait on his desk. He savors the feeling. The bookstore girl, Rafi, gave him a paper bookmark. It has the name of the store on one side and a print of a very old fashioned boy reading on the other. It sticks out of the top book.

Sephiroth isn't going to hide that he went there. No one told he couldn't but he's going to take a page out of Orlin's book. He's not going to flaunt it. It's nice. The experience is completely his.

More importantly, he did it for himself and that is magical. That thought holds him like a hug in his mind until he falls asleep.

Sunday afternoons have become one of Sephiroth's favorite parts of his week. Orlin's free quarter coincides with Sephiroth's and the SOLDIER has been asking him to "go out on the town" with him. Today, they are hauling groceries back from the store. It isn't much. Orlin doesn't have a big budget but he says that's fine, he has a small fridge.

"Do you think I can be a good fighter? A SOLDIER someday?" Sephiroth asks as he looks up at Orlin.

"Probably, if you work hard enough at it." Orlin twists his mouth and swings the grocery bags at his side. The walk back to his apartment isn't that far but they don't always go directly there. Today they are taking a lot of wrong turns.

"Oh." Sephiroth stares at the sidewalk.

"What kid?"

Sephiroth holds his breath and then the words flow out. "I feel like Dinand is always mad at me, like I'm doing something wrong. I know I'm too young to enlist now but I feel like he's going to kick me out of the program before I get started."

Sephiroth is soft where they want him to be hard. He wants him to be someone that he isn't and it is taking every ounce of strength for him to change like this.

"Well, did I ever say that being a SOLDIER is easy?" Orlin laughs, puts a hand on his shoulder and steers him around the corner. The sword is high on his back. Sephiroth has never seen him without it unless he is in the apartment.

Over the last few weeks, Orlin has been helping him from time to him. When Sephiroth had to pick up his uniform, it was Orlin that showed him how to put on the shoulder pads and gouged a new notch in his belt. He's the one that insisted that Sephiroth try on his new boots. The backs bit at his heels and they had spent half an hour on the floor pulling and tugging at the stiff lips. Dinand demanded why he didn't have bloody socks by the end of their first day together.

He's been thankful for the time he has been given.

"He won't abandon you. He might wail on you but he's a known perfectionist. He won't leave you alone until you become what he wants."

"Right." Sephiroth tries to believe him. As much as he feels Dinand is mean, he learns things he wouldn't otherwise. Being a SOLDIER is a reality when Dinand instructs him. That was the goal in the end. He becomes a SOLDIER and then everything is easy from there.

Orlin nods to a wooden bench in their usual park and Sephiroth follows to the usual spot. The weather is clear and cool for fall. Sephiroth wonders what winter is going to be like in the big city. Surely they don't let the snow stack up in the streets. The cars have to be able to drive.

"But what if he hates me?"

The leaves color the ground and he kicks them as they sit down. Orlin looks at him and Sephiroth can feel the corners of his ears going red. He probably shouldn't have said that thought out loud.

"Look. You can't take every single thing so personally."

Sephiroth looks up. "But you don't-"

"I do understand. This is the guy that is famous for making generals and SOLDIERs. Nobody likes it but when it's done, you are valuable to Shinra," Orlin says and then his voice softens below the usual joking level. "Think about it, okay?"

He goes back to studying the ground and nods.

"Nah, kid, look at me."

It takes more effort than he wants to admit to look up at him. He doesn't want to attract attention. Everything that he has done to cause people to look at him has been bad. He doesn't want anymore than that. He wants to be invisible.

"Life is like a war. At the end, there is a winner and a loser but you know how that is determined?" The softness continues as he urges these words into his mind. He doesn't wait for an answer. "Battles. Even the winning side loses before the end. Remember that. You may get beaten up and lose this battle, but that doesn't mean that you lose the war."

The expressions on his face must be enough because Orlin throws himself back against the bench. "Don't get too worried. He's still better than you but you have a lot of growing left to do."

Relief settles over him. Orlin didn't make fun of him. He told him the truth. His future stretches out much further than the next time Dinand gets angry at him. If he can get better fast enough, he can win against his trainer. The thought of beating him in a fight crosses his mind and a giggle swells in his throat. It warms his chest.

Orlin stares off in front of them, his eyes studying the people.

"You're just a little young right now. Give it time."

"Thanks."

The lapse into silence. The grocery bags sit at their feet. The wind makes crunching sounds through them.

The freedom to sit unwinds things in him that he didn't realize were tight. Outside of Orlin and Mariella, Sephiroth finds himself quiet. The words won't come out. Words are dangerous. With these two, it feels different and every emotion comes pouring out of him like he's been holding it in all week.

Sephiroth's toes move the leaves around and Orlin watches the people wandering by. Several times he raises a hand to people in suits. They glare at him before moving on. Sephiroth feels himself still. Orlin's strength is undeniable in the bulky way that he moves. All that muscle and that strength feels protective over him. Sephiroth is skinny. He can't wait for the days that he gets to like him. Until then, he basks in the safeness. No one can bully or yell at him here. Not now. Not on his Sunday morning off.

Orlin comes back to himself, sitting up in his chair. "Okay. So. Tell me. I'm curious. Who is hot at school?"

"Hmm?" Sephiroth opens his eyes. He hadn't noticed that he had closed them.

"Any cute girls?" Orlin grins sideways at him.

Sephiroth closes his eyes again, crosses his arms and sets his chin deep towards his chest. "No."

A puff of air tickles his nose. A quiet laugh.

"Okay. Fine. Any cute guys?"

"I don't talk to anybody."

Orlin leans a touch closer. "It's okay if you find guys attractive."

"Everybody hates me at school."

"You know Mariella got a girlfriend. I'm sure she hasn't said anything but, oh boy, has that gal tagged her in every photo on her profile."

Sephiroth's eyes pop open. "What?"

"Didn't you ever wonder why La-" Orlin cuts himself off and restarts. "Look, you don't have to talk about it but we're both here for you if you decided you need to talk."

Sephiroth ignores everything he doesn't care about. "Wonder why what?"

Orlin's cheeks flash red before he puts up a hand. "Nothing important."

"What were you going to say?" Whatever almost came out of his mouth is something about his past that's being kept back. It makes him wake up from relaxing on the bench.

"Please. Let's just drink instead." Sephiroth's eyebrows raise but Orlin ignores him. He digs out two sodas from the bag and pops the tops off with the cross guard of his sword. The lids bounce against the pavement. Sephiroth will collect them later to throw out. He takes the soda offered to him but continues to stare hard at Orlin.

Orlin takes a drink. "Delicious."

"Yes." Sephiroth holds the soda on his lap. "Delicious."

Orlin takes another drink. Half the bottle goes down then with a pop. Sephiroth waits. When there is a leak in the wall of what he can know about his life, he will sit here and wait for it.

"Okay. Look. A trade." Orlin puts the drink aside. "We don't do this and I'll go through my materia again."

A waiver comes across Sephiroth but he shoves it down. "I will not be bribed. What were you going to say?"

"I'll raise you. You get to hold one of them." Orlin props his sword across his lap. Materia neatly runs down the upper half of the blade. Sephiroth's eyes catch on the orbs. It's the first time since Orlin's slip up that he has looked away from him.

"Geez. I want to talk about my specialization and this is the crowd I get?" He tuts and pops a white and a red materia out of the steel like they are candies. They are brought up, intercepting Sephiroth's stare. "This one summons a long ass generational sword that I hate and this other one actually summons an ifrit. Do you even know what that is?"

"Are you going to summon it to show me?" Sephiroth watches the red mist move inside. It's beautiful.

Orlin snorts. "The ifrit? Do you have a death wish?"

"Maybe."

"Here. Do you want to hold it?" He offers the red one. Sephiroth reaches for it. Magic has enchanted him since he first saw Orlin create a small flicker of flame in the middle of his hand. He can't wait until he is old enough to start trying it.

The thick fingers wrap around the summon before he can touch it. "But your condition is you drop the mistake earlier. If you do, you get to hold a savage fire entity that would rip us both apart and pick his teeth with our bones. Then it would burn down a fourth of the city before Shinra's SOLDIERs would take it down in an explosion of fire destroying all of them with it."

"Awesome." Sephiroth takes the materia. It rolls unnaturally warm in his hand. He tries to imagine the demon inside. Ifrits are in the books he's read. All the destruction kept behind that simple glassy surface. Sephiroth freezes. He has accidentally agreed.

"I thank the gods for simple victories," Orlin smiles at him.

"Next time you won't get away so lucky."

"Fine."

Fluff? From Quin? What is this nonsense?

Look. It's been a lot of angst. We need to break it up and what is better than boys being boys?

I have actually a pretty serious question for my readers this week. I am still writing this story. I'm about 50 chapters ahead but I'm still drafting. Since this chapter starts to talk about Sephiroth's sexuality, there is no better time than now to ask this. How do you feel about a ship in Madness?

Shipping is a contentious thing in the FFVII community. I hate it but it is true. I've avoided it for the most part in Madness because it hasn't been relevant with Seph but now I need to make that decision. I don't want to ruin the story for anybody. I won't tell you the pairing. There are only so many ships that could be "canon". Just for fun, imagine it is one that you don't love.

Regardless, I won't tag it because:

A. It would take place 130k into this story. There are slow burns out there but that's just ridiculous.

B. An element of surprise. I hit the important tags but I like to leave somethings in the air.

So. To ship or not to ship? That is the question. Let me know your thoughts. I'm genuinely interested to know.

Thank you for reading as always. - Quin

Thanks to A for betaing this chapter. You can find their FFVII work on Twitter (AngealLovesYou).