SOLO: [A STAR WARS EPISODE VII: RETURN OF THE FORCE STORY]
Prologue: Years before the Clone Wars
Kind Solo was so smart. He had the biggest brain, and he couldn't get enough of himself. His doofus apprentice, Sheev, finally gave into the temptation and decided to kill him. It was easy, really: Kind Solo was never actually in any sort of peril. He had been frustrating his apprentice for months now by claiming he had suddenly found the secret to immortality. In all honesty he had found it long before he met his apprentice, but he figured he'd save that little bit of information for a while. He'd taunt Sheev daily bragging "heeeeeeeeeeeeey Sheevie, you saucy boy, I tooootally just unlocked the secret to immortality." Sheev would pretend that he wasn't frustrated, but he was not very good at playing pretend so his ire was apparent. Kind Solo had become bored of his ambitious apprentice. He'd hoped Sheev would become bored of his vast power, but instead he just wanted more. So Kind Solo decided to bow out gracefully, and let Sheev burn himself out.
Kind Solo figured he'd boast about his immortality until Sheev would decide to murder him as a joke. Predictable as always, Sheev waited until Kind Solo was asleep and tried to stab him. King Solo assumed Sheev would find this ironic; thinking Kind Solo was able to cheat death, but not save himself from dying. It helped that Kind Solo whipped up a whole scientific theory on microorganisms call Midichlorians: a name Kind Solo made up on the spot while simultaneously lecturing Sheev for his own amusement while cleaning his pool.
So, Kind Solo let Sheev stab him repeatedly in his sleep, only to congeal into a pool of
black slime and slough out the drain hours after Sheev gloated, snapped embarrassing pictures, and was utterly convinced he'd been successful. Kind Solo had not just conquered death: he had such mastery of the Dark Side of the force that he was able to completely change reality at whim. An unstoppable power that he'd possesed for so long, he realized his true passion was goofing off.
Chapter 1
Shortly after the War for Endor.
"But you gotta be king!" Looke shouted.
"No I absolutely do not!" Shouted Han, frustrated beyond belief that this was even a conversation. After the battle of Endor and the death of the Emperor six months ago, the Galaxy was slowly dipping into chaos without a figurehead. The Rebel Alliance sent envoys to as many systems as they could, hoping to rebuild the Senate that the last monarch hastily evaporated. The Moff, as a political rank, was abolished. The Moffs were free to try and petition to become senators, but the process was slow. Mostly because there was no central voice guiding everything. "Han!" Chortled Looke. Han wasn't having any of it. He slammed the bathroom door shut.
Han loved Looke's Hotdog Haberdashery. Partially for the food, partially because of the scoundrels, but mostly because very few sentients in the galaxy thought to look for Han Solo, famous smuggler and general, at a Hotdog Haberdashery on the backwater planet of Crossiant. Also Han was embarrassingly fond of Looke, the Besalisk that owned the Hotdog slingery for as long as Han could remember. When Han finally finished in the bathroom, Looke was still waiting. "Han Haaaaaaaaaan the galaxy needs you to be the king! Look, youre already married to a princess, right? Why not make that girl a queen?"
"She'd never go for it, Looke!" Han said, chuckling and rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment. He took up the most purposefully-casual Han Solo pose he could while standing in front of a bathroom. "And besides, I ain't no leader type."
"Sure ya are!" Looke barked and bubbled, "I bet if I shouted behind me and asked who'd let you be king I wouldn't get a single no!"
"Wait-" Han stammered
"Oi nerfs, which one of you lousy poodoos would be against Han Solo over here being king of the galaxy?" Looke shouted, as loud as his lungs would carry.
"That'd be me." Answered a gargantuan Thakwaa, who's head promptly disintegrated.
"Sorry." Shrugged Luek, Looke's apprentice hotdogsmith. Han grunted and gestured towards the enormous headless bulk sulking on the table, sputtering viscous brown ooze. Looke sighed "Look Han, you've already swindled all you can in the galaxy, you have enemies everywhere. At least if you were king, you'd be in charge of stuff."
Han laughed and shook his head "Sure Looke, I'll talk to Leia."
Chapter 2
A few weeks after the destruction of the first Death Star
Max Rebo was glued to the holonet. His time undercover in Jabba's Palace had slowly made him lethargic and bored. Not just of the assignment, but for his life in general. He had many regrets. His time as an undercover agent of the Jedi started off pretty strong! He headlined his own band and was able to gather intel from tons of seedy characters and locales. Unfortunately for him and his "Roadie" padawan, Kind Solo, Jabba was super into his sound and wasn't super willing to let him leave. Luckily for Max, this position of forced inconsequence helped him to completely avoid Order 66 and the destruction of the Jedi Order. He probably should have cared more, but he had already been playing for Jabba for a couple years at that point.
At least he had Kind Solo. The man was a spitting image of the now-famous smuggler, Han Solo. Kind Solo didn't find the comparison particularly cute, sort of waving it off as some sort of coincidence. "Well with the human genome there are only so many different faces you could have." He'd say dismissively. Max brought up their similarities in name, but Kind Solo waved that off too as a second coincidence. Max Rebo never pushed the issue. Outside of that, Kind Solo had grown into his own as a force user. He was technically too old to be a padawan, but Max Rebo couldn't turn down the opportunity to train the only being he met on the road that even had the potential. He was supposed to tell the council about force-sensitive people, but Kind Solo was too old at the time, so Max figured he'd give him a position as a roadie and just goof off with him.
Kind Solo came into his own under Max Rebo's tutelage. It was rough at first, but Kind Solo quickly came into his own. They'd force-pack and unpack the van, force-throw rocks at hovertrains, or just stand on their heads for hours. After Order 66, Max Rebo told Kind Solo in confidence that he was a Jedi. Kind Solo told him he was a moron for even thinking that was still a secret at this point. Max laughed at that. He truly valued Kind Solo as a friend… maybe even something more. He wouldn't push fate, but no matter how things turned out Max deeply appreciated the company.
Chapter 3
Coruscant, shortly after Han's trip to Croissant
Han walked into Leia's luxurious apartment. She did not go out of her way to furnish it so lavishly herself, but thankful people from all over the galaxy had sent her and Han gifts after Endor. CH1PGR1P had taken the time to carefully set up each and every gift the couple received. The smuggler-turned-hero found himself wading through who knows what from every corner of the galaxy. "Oh master Solo! Don't you love the way I decorated the place?" Quipped Chipgrip. "No, Chipgrip, I don't, where's Leia?" Before the protocol droid could shout an answer, Han found Leia out on the patio looking into the dense cross-traffic of the city-planet.
"Ah, Leia…" Han started.
"What the heck Han, I've been trying to contact you for days now. You said you were just getting lunch but it's been days, Han! Days!" Leia looked deep in Han's eyes, contemplative and distraught.
"Look, Leia, I stopped at the spot on Croissant, and Looke got me thinking… the galaxy needs a leader, you know? Someone to look to… not like Sheev but… ah, hell."
Leia's eyes grew wide with excitement. "You mean you?" she cackled. "That's rich!" Han looked like the wind was sucked from his solar sails
"It's not that I want to Leia but I've talked to some folks on a few different planets and they always say I'm the guy." Han shot up his hands, palms out, in a defensive gesture. "Being King of the Galaxy is obviously not something I want to do. It's not in my nature. But you're trying to get the band back together with the senate and… I dunno maybe I could help-"
Leia stopped him with a powerful kiss. "Han Solo, I think you're growing on me."
Chapter 4
Jabba's Palace
Max Rebo was one of the first people to get the news. Jabba Desilijic Tiure had been killed by a Jedi on his party barge. Some of Jabba's court were absolutely devastated by this news, but for the Max Rebo band it only meant one thing: freedom. Many of Jabba's loyal followers didn't believe he'd actually die, so they opted to wait his grand return. Max Rebo and the other slaves opted, instead, to get out of there as fast as possible. Max and his band loaded as many former slaves into the van as they could. Aliens from all over jammed inside, hanging on the sides, with Yarna riding on top shouting at the top of her lungs.
Kind Solo sat inside, smashed between a wookie and a stack of tiny furry creatures stacked together in some sort of long coat, pretending to be taller than they were. He was having more fun than he had in a long while. Jabba's was boring, but he figured he'd ride it out. It's not every day you're playing the role of a secret padawan pretending to be a roadie in a band held hostage by a Hutt. Kind Solo figured that was probably a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Maybe twice. Probably not more than twice. Even then, Kind Solo was getting…. bored. He was certainly enjoying seeing his upstart apprentice Sheev get kicked around the galaxy by a bunch of rebel nerds, but Kind Solo found himself wanting. He wanted, (desperately, realized) to be behind the wheel again. Even if he took the wheel gently, he wanted to be back in the driver's seat again.
But all good things take time, Kind Solo knew that. The best laid plans were those that were set gradually over time. And time was something Kind Solo had in abundance. For now, Kind Solo was content to see how Max Rebo's band would play out to the curtain call.
Chapter 5
Ritumarap Planet, six standard months after Han's reappearance
Located in the relatively unimportant Ritumarap system, right on the edge of the Outer Rim, Ritumarap Planet had been voted on by the new senate to be the new capital world of the Galactic Kingdom. It was also the crowning of the new Galactic King. After a couple short months of arguments, counter-arguments, and deliberation Han Solo had been unanimously elected to be the next Galactic King. After reflecting on the failings of them Empire, the senate decided that the best leader would be the one who absolutely wanted the power the least. And truthfully, no one wanted to be in charge of the entire Galaxy than Han Solo.
The crowning ceremony was to be incredible. Beings from all over the galaxy gathered to see the newly-constructed galactic crown be placed upon the head of the former smuggler Han Solo. The crown was formed from alloys hailing from thousands of star-systems, encrusted with jewels pulled from all corners of the galaxy. It was also an engineering marvel: the crown was actually fairly small, and would sit on top of the King's head without any sort of clips or strings. There was a bone-magnet that would painlessly stick to the wearer's head, and was controlled by a small button sewn into the lining of the King's clothes, or carried on a ring or small remote. It was meant to be as understated as a "King of the Galaxy" crown could be, as per Han's request. When trying on the prototype Han looked in the mirror and said "I'm absolutely not wearing a crown." This prompted the hundreds of designers to all trash their work and panic for a full standard week until the princess arrived and made the crown herself.
The festivities on Ritumarap began long before the crowning ceremony. Since the construction of the senate hall began, revellers from all over known space had paraded in, bringing their own cultural brand of celebration. The partying rose to a fever pitch as the date for the crowning ceremony arrived. It didn't help that on the same day Han Solo was to be crowned King, the senate was also electing their first speaker. The Galactic Kingdom was to be the galaxy's first constitutional monarchy, with King Solo in charge and the senate corresponding on important decisions. During Crowning Week, hundreds of thousands of performers, artists, Holonet new networks, and music groups all came to the planet in full force.
One of those musical groups was the Max Rebo Band.
Chapter 6
Ritumarap Planet, the day before Crowning Day
The Max Rebo Band piled out of their van and quickly got set up in the small venue they were to play at. It was a newly built cantina, the Negligible Nerf, which looked spotless and new in contrast to the smugglers and scoundrels packed wall-to-wall inside. Max Rebo himself was giddy. Since his days on Jabba's palace he felt like he really improved as a songwriter. The band had improved overall, they were known for more than playing at dive-bars end dead-end moons. They were finally on the upswing.
For all the credits and fame rolling in, Kind Solo was still bored. Being a roadie, as a bit, had wrung itself dry. This gig seemed neat: it paid a load and would surely boost their careers but Kind Solo had his eyes on a bigger prize. With the senate electing a leader, Kind Solo found himself with a potentially unique experience: being roughly half the ruling political power in the galaxy. That was an opportunity he had not yet had in his unfathomably long life, and Kind Solo knew he could easily use a mass-scale mind trick and turn up the charm to win the election effortlessly. Him ruling the galaxy alongside Han Solo, his visual doppelganger, was more amusing to him than anything and the experience of meddling in politics for a stint seemed like a welcome change.
The Max Rebo Band started their first song. They got all of three notes in before all the doors slid shut and locked, the band's instruments caught on fire, and every smuggler, scoundrel, ner-do-well, and Max Rebo fan in the room's heads burst open like overripe fruit. The only ones untouched were Max Rebo himself, and Kind Solo. Max Rebo was screaming, flailing wildly, begging Kind Solo to help him find a way out of the cantina. Kind Solo just looked him over wordlessly, he wanted to remember Max Rebo's last moments with absolute clarity.
Max Rebo was crying now, pleading with Kind Solo to snap out of… a trance? That seemed to be the impression he was under. The fire had spread throughout the cantina, burning everything and seemingly parting around the master and apprentice. Jedi and Sith. Max's skin started twisting, rippling as if hundreds of worms had suddenly appeared beneath his skin and were desperately struggling to escape. Max was utterly mortified, telling Kind Solo that no matter what happened here, Max Rebo would always love him and they would be one in the force. Kind Solo was still silent, staring. Right as Max began to try and sputter out a followup question, the worms beneath his skin finally had their escape. What had appeared to be worms from the surface actually turned out to be something else entirely: Max Rebo's own circulatory system. His veins and arteries slowly pulled out from his skin, equidistant across his whole body like pulling a rooted plant from loose soil. Max just locked eyes with Kind Solo, confused.
"I-I loved you, Kind Solo." Max somehow sputtered, despite his current condition. His voice was hoarse and wet. "Since we first met. More than a friend, a roadie, more than a brother. More than master and student."
He looked to his Padawan, completely out of tears. His veins were all but completely out of his flesh, encircling his entire body like a sprouting plant. Max Rebo himself was floating in midair at this point, though he probably didn't notice.
Kind Solo ignited a red lightsaber and leaned into the horrified Ortolan's face. Close enough to touch.
"I know."
Kind Solo kissed Max Rebo as he finally disconnected his circulatory system entirely from his body. Then he dropped the lifeless corpse on the floor.
Chapter 7
Crowning Day
Han Solo was nervous. Uncharacteristically nervous. He was determined not to dress like a king, preferring instead to wear his favorite clothes instead. Not a single person thought this was a good idea, but no one could dissuade him. A team of attendants even all but forced Han into a painstakingly tailored outfit, but when he turned up to the event he was back in his old clothes. He kept messing with the cuffs of his shirt, sticking his hands in and out of his pockets, and looking around like he expected to get annihilated from some unseen adversary.
"Leia, I'm ready to back out now." Whispered Han to Leia as they entered the innumerable crowd of uncountable species and thousands of camera droids flying in every direction.
Leia just smirked and squeezed his arm. "We both know it's much too late for that."
Situated in the center of the arena was a podium with two incredibly gaudy chairs. The princess and her smuggler walked to the thrones from behind. Leia smiled and waved in every direction, in a way that suggested that she was waving at you specifically. Han was all head nods and slight hand wiggles. Luke Skywalker was there to summon all the force ghosts he knew personally. Once Han and Leia were situated on their new squats, the ghost of Qui Gon Jin activated the magnet and Han Solo's head, attaching it before he could protest. Han tried to act like he wasn't incredibly frustrated.
"I know some stuff about the galaxy and the force" Qui Gon said to the crowd, "And this guy? Boy could y'all have figured out a better plan." Luke dismissed his ghostly companions and gave his friends a high five. It was just like the medal ceremony at Yavin 4, except on a galactic scale.
King Solo stepped up to the mic to speak. He felt…. Good. Better than he had in ages, actually. He looked to Leia, who gave him a double-thumbs up and smiled broadly. He looked to the crowd and saw all these people. Galactic citizens. His citizens. King Solo felt a responsibility he'd never felt before. He was indebted to these people. Qui Gon's criticism rang in his ears. King Solo disagreed. He was the perfect guy.
"So… how's it going?" King Solo asked the crowd. The response was nothing short of completely deafening. King Solo was feeling it. "Alright, now stop it." The crowd stopped instantly. King Solo was absolutely feeling it.
King Solo let the silence linger for a moment. "I just want to make it absolutely clear. I am the king now. Not the Emperor, not the Sultan, not the god damned president, and absolutely not Han." He squinted at the whole crowd, like he was looking for someone in particular. "I'm King Solo now. Capiche?"
The crowd was utterly silent. "Sweet. That's the silence I was hoping for. Especially since I didn't tell y'all you could talk." King Solo waited, like he was trying to bait the crowd. No one bit: no one spoke. "Great. Now the senate is going to meet to elect a leader. Just remember, the senate is, like, important and all but don't forget who is really in charge!" King Solo spread his legs in a power stance and thrusted both his thumbs directly at himself. "This guy!" He barked. King Solo sauntered over to Queen Leia, lifted her off the chair, leaned her back and kissed her passionately before locking arms and walking right back out of the arena arm-in-arm. King Solo was more confident than he'd been for his entire dog gamned life.
The vote for Senate Leader went quickly. Much faster than anyone anticipated. Based off the speed in which the Galactic Senate operated, it was projected that it'd take another three or four standard months to reach a conclusion about which person should be in charge. Yet a relative newcomer to galactic politics, a familiar looking man named Kind Solo, took the senate by storm. There was still debating, sure, but the senate decided upon Kind Solo as Senate Leader in a few standard hours. A surprise, to be sure, but a welcome one considering how lengthy debates can get.
Chapter 8
20 years later: Planet Alpha Collius Cryptum, beyond the Outer Rim
Senthos and her master, Darth Plagueis, were trekking through the foreboding jungle. Large, carnivorous, plants ate small flying mammals high above the treetops.
"What are we even doing here?" Whined Senthos.
"It's a whole thing, Senthos. Learn some patience. You're powerful, but you need discipline!" Her mysterious master chided.
The Sith pair had been traversing this forgotten planet for almost a month. Senthos begged and pleaded for her master to give her more information about this mission, but he merely acted coy.
"Look, Senthos. Not only have I taken a considerable amount of time off for this occasion, there is also no reason to rush such an excursion! I mean, how often do we get to visit untamed planets like this!" Plagueis gestured at the carnivorous plants overhead, just in time for one to eat some sort of small, flying, thing.
"It's incredible, master. I love it: I'm in love with it." Senthos said as she dramatically rolled her eyes and tilted her head backwards in frustration. A gesture which, coming from a Kaminoan, looked especially exaggerated.
"That's the spirit!" Plagueis cried, thrusting his arm forwards as he triumphantly stomped on some small hungry lizard foolish enough to try and sneak up on him.
The Sith duo had spent the greater part of the last year exploring this planet. Plagueis knew this planet had two important, long forgotten, secrets. One: it was dense with the necessary ores to produce a droid army, and had the factories to do so, and secondly, and more importantly, it had a one-of-a-kind device that would create a highly accurate tunnel between two black holes, allowing an entire armada to appear even less expectedly than Hyperspace travel, with zero of the drawbacks.
Senthos was a fine apprentice. Darth Plagueis knew as much. But her impatience was all too familiar. A path he'd already traveled to the end. Darth Plagueis was bored.
Chapter 9
Planet Oofkicks, 10 years later
Luke Skywalker decided not to open a Jedi Academy. It seemed like a really good idea at one point but here, staring at his padawan, he was sure he couldn't possible handle teaching more than one student.
Dith was creating art. There was almost no other way to describe it. In a literal sense, he was using the force to stack boulders as precariously as possible, which resulted in his standing in a field full of floating, stacking rocks. They cascaded effortlessly into neatly organized stacks that, when Dith stopped focusing, still stayed upright on their own volition.
"Great job, Dith!" Shouted Luke.
Luke was proud of his apprentice, Dith was a great kid: the son Luke never had.
"Thanks Luke!" Barked Dith. The stack of boulders he was working on promptly fell.
R2D2 anxiously chittered and chortled as it rolled up to the forcers.
"What is it?" Asked Luke
"Is everything alright?" Wondered Dith aloud.
A hologram of King Solo and Kind Solo appeared before the pair. It was pre recorded, but seemed pretty damn urgent considering both of them were there. Luke and Dith exchanged worried glances.
"Hello Luke, and hello to Luke's padawan, Dith!" Said Kind Solo, warmly. The hologram of King Solo frowned.
"Yeah, yeah, stop interrupting my dog gamned message you dip." Kind Solo smiled, and bowed out of the picture.
"Luke, Dith, I need the both of you to get to Coruscant now. I have reports of a black hole opening right near the planet, I need to know what's happening in the Inner Rim.
Luke stared hard at the space where the hologram just was. He was clearly distraught. "Well Dith, looks like we have some investigative work ahead of us. Pack your things, we're going to Coruscant."
Chapter 10, Epilogue
Nimrod, six months later
Senthos was dead. Darth Plagueis had forsaken her for a new apprentice, the newly christened Darth Dith. He and Chith, Luke's new-apprentice-turned-unexpected-master, now squared off amongst the destruction of Nimrod. In the distance, the cacaphany of laser blasts and death was obvious. Though Luke and Chith had arrived first, the war on Nimrod had finally begun in earnest. In the sky, black holes could be seen tearing tunnels into local space, vomiting forth hundreds of thousands of Sith Empire Droids. The soulless machines were almost equally matched in number by the Galactic Kingdom's army, but not in skill. Unfortunately for the kingdom, more droids were arriving all the time, and the black holes often appeared within a battle-cluster of starships, annihilating them.
Luke cowered in fear at his former apprentices. Their raw strength could be felt permeating the space around them. Chith and Dith circled each other like starving hounds in a desert. Both sure that, if they were to show a single sign or weakness, the other would pounce and end them. Dith kept his new, double bladed, lightsaber close: adopting a defensive pose. Chith had his pointed towards his opponent, ready to strike. Chith had been training incredibly hard recently, putting Luke's level of use in the force to shame. Luke's mechanical hand had shattered in this confrontation with Dith, rendering him a mere witness to the show of raw strength on display. Dith, too, had become way more powerful than anyone could have foreseen. Whoever his new dark master was, he trained him well. Luke looked down at his worthless stump of a broken arm sadly. He'd miss that hand.
When Darry appeared though, time itself seemed to stand still. The Kaminoan was gigantic, coated in layers of rippling muscles no one could even imagine on a member of a race famed for being so thin and slender. Darry's presence was sudden and, despite the power levels of everyone involved, he was somehow able to be the most threatening thing between them. Dith and Chith stopped their fight momentarily to look, with equal parts awe and horror, and the wall of muscle and rage set before them.
"I am Darry, Senthos's brother." He bellowed his voice both deep with an almost metallic shriek permeating every word.
Darry seemed almost unnatural. Something that existed outside the normal laws of the galaxy. A veritable power play of the force. He was a walking contradiction. Furious, but composed. Gargantuan, yet utterly silent in his movements. He strode between the light and dark side combatants, eyeing them, every move he made was deliberate; as if he'd somehow been practicing this moment. Suddenly, the Holo-communicator in Luke's shattered wrist burbled on, revealing King Solo
"Luke! Our scanners have picked up a gargantuan power level in your area. You know what it is, right? You're taking care of it?" King Solo looked concerned, frightened for Luke's life for the first time in years. "You… can take care of it, right?"
Luke gazed at the musclebound maniac monster eyeing his apprentices "Uh, yeah I think we have it handled." Before anyone could act, Darry began to contort his body, moving erratically and rhythmically in a way that was both mortifying and impossible to look away from. It was so entrancing, that the three forcers found themselves utterly unable to move.
Darry finally spoke again. "Senthos was my sister. I had no love for her, she chose her path like a moron and paid the price. However, I fully intended to deal with her myself. Your murderous action was an affront on both my honor, and my family. I know it was one of you two."
Without a moment's hesitation, Chith tattled on Dith. Chith pointed his lightsaber directly at the sith and said "Yep, absolutely that guy. He cut her head clean off for seemingly no reason."
"My master told me to!" Barked Dith, "He said she was worthless and Darth Plagueis said she was no longer worth his time. And check me out," he did a spin, gesturing at himself proudly, "he was totally right."
That's all Darry needed. He was on Dith in a second. Not even bothering to pull out a weapon, he leaped, grabbed Dith by the face, and slammed his head into the ground. Dith moaned, dazed, but before he even had time to react, Darry grabbed Dith's leg, and swung him overhand, face first, into the ground a second time. Darry let Dith get on his hands and knees, blood spewing out of his face indiscriminately. Pulling out two bright white lightsabers, Darry moved to cut Dith's head clean off.
Chith was pissed: who is this Darry guy and why is he denying Chith his lifelong goal? Darry is just here on some lame honor-killing mission. Dith had betrayed Chith and Luke and the Galactic Kingdom. Darry was purely in it for himself. And, worse yet, Darry positioned himself as an enemy of both Chith and Dith. Surely Darry would eventually find a reason to turn of Chith, and even if he didn't he was about to still killing Dith out from under him. Seeing Dith on the ground, a waterfall of blood cascading down his face, Chith decided to act.
Darry felt the clash of a lightsaber on his neck. He rose back up to full height, telescoping his head completely around to get a look at the assailant. To Chith's absolute horror, the lightsaber barely scratched the surface of Darry's skin.
"Your neck is long as hell!" Chith cried in horror, "There's no way that should of happened."
Still not bothering to turn himself around, Darry started making a horrific guttural bubbling sound from deep within his chest. Chith realized, with horror, that it was supposed to be a laugh. Chith felt an impact like a thousand punches, and found himself thrown backwards through the air until crashing through three trees broke his fall. Darry hadn't moved.
"How can I help?" Luke shouted, having still not moved from the floor.
"Dog gamnit Luke stop being so worthless! I forgot you were even here." answered Chith.
Dith took this chance to make his move. He tried to kick Darry's legs out from under him. A move that, had Darry not been a monster ape, would have surely tripped him up. Instead, Dith's kick just connected and did nothing. "Shit." Thought Dith. Darry turned his head back around to face his Sith opponent, lightsabers still drawn. Dith quickly pulled out his own double-bladed saber, just barely blocking a killing stroke.
Chith was back in action, as Darry was distracted with Dith again Chith slid over besides the combatants and threw a fistful of sand in Darry's face. It was not a good idea. Chith simply felt another series of concussive blasts to his body before being thrown back into another three trees. Luke was still just watching. His wrist communicator chirped on a second time. King Solo again.
"Hey, ah, Luke, is everything alright? That powerful energy signature has been on top of y'all for a minute and it doesn't seem to be slowing down!" King Solo looked stressed.
"Yeah, King, I'm great what's wrong?" Luke was tired and just wanted a nap.
"Well, see we lost Kind Solo. He had a series of meetings that he set up this morning but he's just… gone. No one's seen or heard from him." King Solo looked at luke expectantly through the hologram. There was a pregnant pause.
"Why do you think I would know anything about it?" Inquired Luke.
"You're worthless, Luke." answered King Solo. Luke didn't really have an immediate reply to that.
Darry, Dith and Chith were still fighting. Despite Darry's overwhelming strength, Luke's proteges seemed to be holding their own. "I seriously just want to take a nap." thought Luke. He stretched really hard, lost his balance, and fell. As Luke fell off the log he had been perched on, he hit his head on a rock and went to sleep.
"Luke? LUKE?! LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKE!" screamed King Solo from Luke's wrist.
Suddenly, a very spooky Sith ship came in from overhead. It hovered over the fight. The ramp extended, and a hooded figure casually rode it down.
"Master!" barked Dith.
Dith's master, Darth Plagueis, removed the hood of his robe. Much to Chith's surprise, the man was none other than Kind Solo; leader of the senate. Kind Solo checked his watch.
Kind Solo looked like he felt pressed for time. "Dith the comet will be here in six minutes what are you doing!"
"I'm sorry master, I'm trying" Dith said, expertly avoiding a series of incredibly scary attacks from Darry.
Chith, riding on Darry's back in an attempt to put him in a choke hold asked "What comet?"
Kind Solo rolled his eyes and groaned, clearly he hadn't even noticed Chith until this point. "Comet Coramanzoa," Kind Solo explained, "a comet that just cruises around the galaxy wrecking planets, and it'll blow through this place in like five minutes now." He leaned a little to the right, so he could visually address Dith, "So Dith, go ahead and wrap this up so we can move to phase two please."
"Let me get right on that, master." Dith answered from beneath Darry's foot.
Chith weighed his options. His garbage padawan had completely knocked himself out, and he and Dith now had the same agenda: Get off Nimrod before Comet Coramanzoa disintegrates it. "Dith!" Chith shouted four feet above the ground while being force-choked.
'What!" Dith barked as his lightsaber was clashing like crazy.
"We both have nice use in the force, right?" Chith choked, Dith shrugged modestly between clashes. "Why don't we just, like, wait until the last second and then leave Darry here?" Chith proposed.
"I guess." responded Dith.
"Stop this scheming." Said Darry, force throwing Chith hundreds of feet into the air. As Chith broke through the clouds he pulled his long-range communicator out, and tried a hail-mary Holo call, knowing two Sith lords were not about to politely offer him a lift.
Dith was sweaty, beyond sweaty. His lightsabers had clashed so many times he wasn't sure how many clashes they could possibly have left. As he watched Chith blast straight up into the air, Dith wondered if beating Darry was even a remote possibility. The Kaminoan seemed unphased by the entire fight, his headcrest sticking up four feet high out of excitement, his pupiless eyes staring Dith down as his enormous bulk moved towards the Sith apprentice.
Chith landed pretty alright, in the grand scheme of things. He was pretty sure his leg was broken, but he could force it into place for awhile with some effort. He really had no clue how they could force Darry to do anything, let alone get hit by a comet.
Before Chith could make another move, he saw Dith get thrown into the air the same way Chith just had. Except now Darry had a second step in mind. His mouth opened all the way down to his chest, and an orb of sickly green force-energy gathered in the middle. As Dith rose higher and higher in the air, the orb of energy grew in kind. Before Chith could see the outcome of this special move, he sees an all-to-familiar ship approach at breakneck speed. There was only one wild animal brave enough to pilot such a ship!
Realizing that this may be his only chance at escape, Chith force-throws his useless sidekick inside the ship before walking in himself. Once inside, he quickly runs to the control room to great his savior.
"Chapstick!" Chith shouts, happier than ever to see Luke's old Dogman friend.
"Woof woof" barked Chapsick.
Not only did Chapstick come and save them, he brought along a full crew: CH1PGR1P, King Solo, and Jaim'z Supplebutt had also come along for the ride. King Solo eyed Kind Solo's ship warily.
Back on the landing ramp, Kind Solo was doing the same. He knew Chapstick's ship when he saw it, and he knew this circumstance made his intentions painfully clear to old King Solo. The senate became more and more useless over the years, seemingly only following Kind Solo's agenda. It didn't help that he very obviously didn't age, while King Solo did. Kind Solo figured the senate thing was a temporary gig from the beginning, much like his stint with Max Rebo. Over time, he decided it'd be fun to start another galactic war; shake things up a bit. The galaxy had become boring again. He took his time, laid plans, and now he was on course to blow a hole in the Royal Military and become the new face of a war against the establishment. There was only one problem.
Dith flew up, up, up. Past the mountains and clouds, Dith could see the curvature of Nimrod: the gigantic space battle overhead, and the approaching comet set to destroy it all. Now just seconds away. The Sith army was corralling the Royal ships, preventing them from jumping to hyperspace. When the comet hits, all of this would be obliterated, their side included. "At least they're just droids." Dith thought. "They don't have souls, we can always build more."
"But-" Dith thought, "I have a soul, and I don't really see how I'm getting out of this one."
Dith saw Chapstick's ship break the atmosphere and make the jump to hyperspace. Dith gave it a single finger: the rude one. Right before he began his descent.
Darry was still charging his special mode. Kind Solo watched with sincere interest: it had been a long time since he saw something like this. Nevertheless, Kind Solo reached out with his good use in the force and broke a mountain off the surface of the planet.
Darry unleashed his special move. A gigantic green laser exploded from his mouth, shooting straight into the atmosphere. Dith saw it coming, it was too big to block and he couldn't put anything between him or it. Dith closed his eyes and thought, one last time:
"Fuck you, Luke Skyfucker." Dith hated that guy.
Darry's shot hit Dith dead-on, blowing him to bits.
"Ah, well." thought Kind Solo, "That's a solvable problem… but for now-" Kind Solo dropped the mountain on Darry. Unsure if the mountain would hold Darry for more than a moment, but knowing that's all he needed, Kind Solo told B0B0SK10TNB0TN to make the jump to his personal planet.
Right as Kind Solo's ship made the jump, Comet Coramanzoa collided with Nimrod, completely disintegrating the planet and effortlessly consuming the fleet surrounding it.
To be continued