Star Wars Episode VII: Return of the Force: Chapter 15: Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Bites Back: Chapter 6: Star Wars Episode IX: The Feral Flump: Chapter 5: Bib's Big Break
Bib Fortuna woke up later than he probably should have. He stretched his ass and groaned. " Dae wana wanga," he chided "dae wana wanga." Bib Fortuna went to his bathroom, shrugging his nightgown off as he dragged his feet. Looking in the mirror at his blackened, shark-like teeth, Bib Fortuna decided he could skip brushing today.
Bib Fortuna didn't have anything to do today, Jabba was planning a Boonta Eve podrace as usual and Bib Fortuna really just needed to stand behind him to the left and idly stare at the starting line, waiting for the occasional pod.
"All the good crashes happen in the caves," Bib Fortuna thought, "why doesn't Jabba bother to have any telescreens for us." Bib Fortuna watched Gilbert, some human with a… wire hook hand, sputter across the finish line. "Typical human, pathetic. At least he finished." Ben Quadrinaros finished first, somehow. Young Anakin Skywalker got his brains blown out before the race even started, his slavemaster Watto was apparently furious.
Sebulba apparently died somehow, though no one really could tell how yet. Suddenly, a strange squishing sound emanated from Jabba, and a fifteen foot tall blue man with glowing yellow eyes exploded out of him. He looked Bib Fortuna dead in the eyes "Want a job?"
Well of course Bib Fortuna accepted; his old boss was… scattered around and he really could not think of a surefire way to prevent this Brian character form exploding out of him at will.
Brian snapped his whittle fingers and made a purple portal out of thin air. Bib Fortuna gasped, and he was shocked (about the purple portal). Brian did a little smirk. "Just a little taste of things to come." He grabbed Bib Fortuna's hand softly and waddled through the portal. Bib blushed.
Brian was quite pleased to show Bib his world, no mortal had ever entered this mysterious realm. Bib was in awe at his surroundings. A giant empty space, full of blueness and purpose. But minimalistic in it's architecture. Various shapes oozed off the spatial walls; triangles, circles, octagons, every shape you could imagine cascading off the translucent orange archipelagos. The two stepped in tow, matching each other's breathing.
"This is my home world." Brian bragged. "As the narrator mentioned, no other mortals have ever stepped foot in my lair." Bib blushed, again, but a little harder. It was the honor of his lifetime to step into such a personal place for the God of the Force. "But I have had an immortal or two here, teehee." Brian put his hand on his chin and looked up as he did a coy giggle. His friend, an immortal named Kranklin, fazed into existence next to Brian's thigh. He was white, and unnaturally wide, with one black hair protruding from the top of his head. "I'll be important later," he muttered shyly, disappearing into the void.
Brian gestured to all the spheres, cubes, and other such things hanging in the firment above. "Everything you see here I did at some point. This place exists outside of time, allowing me to tweak and twiddle with every tiggle and tangle of this wild one single important galaxy." Brain winked at the audience. Get it? Because star wars is only in the one galaxy, and it isnt out's and it's fairly far off, apparently and it probably didn't figure out how to travel or communicate with us and it'd be pretty wild if people, like humans, independently evolved in two completely disparate galaxies. What if like they left that galaxy but like we're those humans but later but what about the aliens? Makes you think huh anyways back to Bib Fortuna and Brian
Bib Fortuna raised his hand "So… what's the gameplan?" Brian spinned around on one heel, bending at a right angle to look Bib Fortuna directly in his eye holes. "Check this out"
Brian uncupped his hands and showed Bib Fortuna something absolutely incredible. Bib Fortuna could hardly believe it. "Beezer would've loved to see this" Bib Fortuna muttered.
"Fuck Beezer" replied Brian. Beezer found himself melting, utterly congealing into a goo. His beautiful birthday cake for his wife crashed face down onto the floor. "She won't even see the portrait of her I drew in the icing." Beezer thought, his face dripping off his skull. His wife later tried the cake and secretly thought it was just okay. (Brian did that)
Bib Fortuna sighed in relief. "I finally understand the plan now." He smiled, feeling sufficiently filled in. "I don;t need to ask any more questions." He wasn't brainwashed or anything, just sincerely convinced. You could say he was brianwashed though ;)
Fhorbuus secreted from the surrounding scenery, taking on his usual form. "You're brianwashed bro." he chided. Brian emitted a coy giggle from the throat like area comprising as the interior of his neck like neck region (throat) "SO WHAT IF I AM." Bib Fortuna shouted at the top of his lungs, gritting his (honestly really gross) teeth. Bib Fortuna clawed at the surroundings, stretching and sewing them into an I sincerely love Brian a lot" T-shirt with coordinating pants. He still wasn't mind controlled though by the way.
Brian took Bib Fortuna to his home, "You know I'm not mind controlled, right Brian?" Bib Fortuna asked. "Yes I know," Brian answered "I know."
About fifteen hours in the time-outside-time planet place realm(?) that Brian called home he realized he probably needed more allies than just Bib Fortuna. Bib Fortuna was laying on the couch in just his "I sincerely love Brian a lot." T-shirt and no pants (but they didn't bone, okay?)
"Bib fortuna," Brian started, "Who else do you know?"
"I mean… what do you mean by that, Brian?" Bib responded
"Like… which beings do you know?" Brian responded
"Like…. Know personally? Bib asked, desperately looking for clarification
"No." Brian responded
"So people or things I don't know? Bib responded?
"No you can know them." Britain responded
"Alright." Bib said, sweaty
"I know…
Boba fett
Jango fett (boba's dad)
Sebulba but hes dead
Jabba the hutt and phumnkin the hutt
Watto
Uh… Ben Quadrinaros and- oh! Gilbert.
A Jedi named… Uhnrankretfrenkrenfosterkhoss.-"
"I don't want to remember that one" Brian interrupted
"T-That's alright, I made him up anyways." Bib stuttered
"I know- uh- my parents and my cousin Beezer and my corner store guy with the tamales and my neighbor who cant even play the guitar but he does it super loud above my head and I know Ki Adi Mundi with the big ass head and uh uhm a kid named Greedo and another kid named Kitster and that third kid got his head blown clear off but I do know Shmi and trust me, you don't fuck with Shmi. That's about it. Oh, and Max Rebo."
Brian was listening intently, writing each name down on a list. He checked it twice (Santa), and smiled. "Thanks for the suggestions, ya little cutie." He winked and Bib smirked back. "Now, they will all become a part of the Brian Battalion."
Brian snapped his fingers, and a bright blue light filled the chambers. Suddenly, Boba Fett, Jango Fett, Phumnkin the Hutt, Watto, Ben Quadronaros, Gilbert (Luke), Bib's parents, Bibrah (mom) and Bottle (dad), Bib's corner store guy with the tamales (not named), Bib's neighbor with the guitar thing, Ki Adi Mundi, Ki Adi Mundi's older twin brother Harris Mundi, because Brian couldn't figure out which one was which lol. Oh also, kid Greedo and that lil brat Kitster, and oh boy… Shmi. And Max Rebo, alright?
He also tried to pull all the dead people Bib knew, which didn't go so well. The gory, blasted apart bits of Jabba's corpse, the scorched corpse of Sebulba, and the oozy slimy remains of Beezer, and the blasted in head of… Anakin? Was that his name?
Bib fortuna was utterly horrified at the sight of the puddle of flesh colored slime that was once Beezer. He barely registered the unrestrained cries of fury from Shmi; apparently the headless kid was her's and she hadn't heard yet. Bib looked up in time to see Shmi, knelt next to the small body, scream-crying at the top of her lungs. Her hair turned bright gold and flames of sheer force energy seemed to radiate off her like yellow flames. She opened her eyes and her whole ass eye was white as hell! "Shmi has unlocked her potential." Brian remarked. "There's the real chosen one."
Bib quickly got to work explaining Brian's plan. It was a good plan, so it convinced everyone fairly easily. Brian even walked up and uncupped his hands for everyone! He was hesitant at first (it was a lot of people to show) but he finally relented and shared all the clarifying details of this arc to them. All of the members of the newly-formed Brian Battalian were utterly satisfied. Shmi, having mastered her knew powered-up state even gave Brian and Bib a thumbs up and a wink. Bib was flattered.
"Brian! I think we've done well! I cannot wait for the next step in our plan; I really appreciate you taking the time to explain it to me." Bib remarked.
"Of course." Brian responded, "I'm sincerely glad to have cleared it up for you. I'd hate for anyone to feel like my motives were unclear or not thoroughly explained."
Luke attempted to take in his surroundings. The brain-melting architecture threatened to completely collapse his, frankly weak, mind but once Brian explained the whole situation Luke (still posing as Gilbert) felt completely at ease. He scratched his face in quiet complication, he did it with his hook hand on accident and scraped a little too hard.
"Battle wounds." muttered Gilbert. He decided he'd take a nap.