Boilerplate Disclaimer: The various characters from Kim Possible are all owned by Disney the great and powerful. Any and all registered trade names property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage.
I decided not to include Gill, Gil Moss, among the villains in the chapter because his psychiatrist is still hoping to cure him of evil tendencies. Three OCs... I'm repeating my warning from the previous chapter: Don't worry, while this story starts with a lot of characters I won't spend much time with most of them, simply acknowledging how they're doing in the competition. Two or three teams will get most of the attention... One, really.
Eartha Kitt recorded this chapter's title on her 1953 album That Bad Eartha.
All legs of the race, except the finale, are based on real episodes of The Amazing Race. Season 10, episode 11 saw the race in Barcelona. Remember, the premise is that CBS had a season planned, so none of the tasks required super powers. They may occasionally help one team or another, but these were all done by normal people. (Normal people hoping to win a million dollars. There is the occasional challenge that you're only willing to try if there is a hope of a big payoff.)
I Want to Be Evil
The camera operators set up to film the introduction and start of the first show. Tourists were limited to areas which should keep them off-camera during the filming. Two men in ill-fitting suits and a camera with a powerful lens stood at the edge of a designated area.
"Zelimkhanov's boys," a Global Justice agent whispered to one of the show's technical crews.
"They gonna cause any trouble?"
"We don't think so. Just making sure you're really shooting a race."
"Hey, this show wins awards for honesty."
Phil Keoghan checked his watch, glanced to the director and raised an eyebrow. The director smiled and nodded:
"Welcome to Andorra la Vella, the highest capitol city in Europe and the start of a very special season of The Amazing Race. Each season sees contestants facing new and different challenges in different locations. There are several additional twists this season. Our teams will be international, coming from five continents. We are honored to have twelve men and women who have made names for themselves fighting for justice around the world. Their partners will be reformed criminals. Our heroes have not yet been told who their partners will be, but will meet them shortly and begin the first leg of The Amazing Race!"
Phil looked to the director, "Do we call them reformed, or former, or pardoned?"
"Shoot all three, we'll decide later. We got time, twenty minutes until the first bus arrives."
Phil taped the variant versions.
The heroes were filmed getting off their bus. In the studio editors would stop the image as each stepped out and superimpose his/her name and country of origin.
"Welcome to the Amazing Race. We'd like to thank all of you for your work in making the world a safer place. In a minute the bus carrying your partners for the race will arrive. Each of you has the half a medallion we gave you? Your partner for the race will have the other half. Don't interact with them until they're off their bus and in a line over there and you get the signal to find your partner."
The second bus pulled up and the door burst open even before the bus came to a full stop. Shego jumped out. The pale woman looked nervous and sweating. A crew member went over and instructed her to get back in the buss and then get off again, slowly. Kim was not close enough to hear exactly how Shego replied, but it was obviously rude. The producer went over and repeated the order, and fared no better in the request. Just wanting to get things moving he gave up and allowed Shego to stand on her mark as other villains left the bus at a more sedate pace.
As was the case for the heroes the villains would have their images and a notice of their crimes at the intro: Monkey Fist convicted of looting of ancient artifacts. A monkey attended the English lord. Aviarius, convicted of theft in Chicago. Doctor Drakken. The Scot, Duff Killigan, convicted of kidnapping. Señor Senior, Senior. A masked Colombian drug smuggler, who went by the name of Tarantula appeared at first to have hairy epaulettes on his shoulders, but the camera zoomed in to reveal the fact they were huge spiders. Jackie Oakes, former wrestling promoter convicted of theft and assault. Electroniqué, another foe of Team Go. A young Russian hacker was introduced as Ivan Kuznetsov.
"High probability that is a fake name," Die Fledermaus whispered to El Gato Negro.
"You know him?"
"No, but it translates into English as John Smith – so I suspect an alias."
Another masked figure, Professor Dementor, stepped off the bus followed by yet another masked figure, introduced as a Yakuza member named Saikoro.
"Members of the Yakuza wear masks?" Kim whispered to Ron.
"Nah, but I'm betting he doesn't want to be identified 'cause it would mean threats to his family."
"You're probably right. And that's probably why the Tarantula character is wearing one."
"Each of you has been given half a medallion," Phil explained. "Your partner has the other half. In a moment you'll need to find your partner. The first team to meet will leave first, the second team five minutes later, the third team five minutes after that. The remaining nine teams will leave at the same time."
As Phil spoke Die Fledermaus quickly analyzed the situation. The show wanted drama; and contrasts and natural antagonisms could help create it. He had no foes among the villains. While he had been known to work with pretty villains he suspected the producers would pair him with the youngest or the oldest of the criminals. In his secret identity he had met Señor Senior. He hoped Senior had forgotten him, but having researched the series he suspected they would be paired. "We will refer to ourselves as Team Experience," he promised himself, "so that they don't hang some insulting term on us for our age." He managed to catch Senior's eye and surreptitiously showed his medallion. The other man nodded and showed his own.
Kim experienced a panic attack. She didn't want to be paired with any of the villains in front of her. Why had she volunteered for this? "I didn't volunteer, I was drafted," she reminded herself. "We're stopping a nuclear terrorist. Not Drakken. Anyone but Drakken."
"Please locate your partner for The Amazing Race now!"
"Here," Die Fledermaus called as he and Señor Senior raised their arms.
Ipo-Ipo, the fastest person there, checked his medallion with several villains before others could even start. "Here... No, I will not be paired with this Yakuza – not after what his people did to my family in the war."
"Ah, the drama of conflict. How many more will there be?" thought the Bat.
Ron would have preferred anyone but Monkey Fist, and checked the Englishman first, in hopes of finding out it wasn't true. It was.
Kim used the same technique as Ron, and was relieved to find she would not be with Drakken.
Drakken was paired with Hego, who looked at the villain with disgust, "Vile corrupter of my sister," Hego fumed.
"She was corrupt when I met her!" a shaking Drakken insisted.
Mego was paired with the Team Go villain Aviarius. The producers created several more pairings of drama by teaming El Gato Negro with the Tarantula and Capitão Falcão with the Russian.
"Scum," the Cat hissed. "I've seen what your kind does to our people."
"No!" Capitão Falcão protested, "No! No! I will not work with this Communist!"
"The Communist Party collapsed when I was a small child," Ivan pointed out.
"Once a Russian, always a Communist," the Falcon insisted.
Another team seemed based on visual contrast – the tall, lean Umzingeli paired with the short and stocky Jackie Oakes. The other African woman, Hawi, who possessed flame powers was teamed with the Team Go villain Electronique.
Kim contemplated the remaining villains. Duff Killigan? Dementor? Shego? She would prefer choice D: none of the above, but it wasn't an option.
Kim hesitated. "Please, not Shego," she thought. Shego would be too awkweird. She had put all three in prison, but felt guilty about Shego. "I didn't put her in prison," Kim reminded herself. "Her own actions put her in prison." It sounded hollow. Kim had been the one who captured Shego. Shego had saved her life on a number of occasions. They'd watched movies, they could have been friends if... If... If... If... "Please not Shego."
It was decided for her as the masked Indian woman, Hunterwali found her partner in Dementor and Burn Berman found himself teamed with Duff Killigan.
"Yeah, Princess," Shego muttered, "I'm as happy about this as you look – and you look miserable. And by that I mean more miserable than usual."
Kim breathed a little sigh of relief. Shego sounded the same as ever.
"Okay, let's start the first leg of the race. The path to the left of that wall," gestured Phil, "will take you down to a parking lot. You will need to drive to Barcelona. A road map is in the car, along with the name of the route information to where you will find your next Route Marker."
As the nine pairs who would depart en masse waited they discussed who would drive.
"The car is usually a stick shift," Kim told Shego nervously, "I'm, uh, not great with a stick."
"Fortunately I am. Look Cupcake, I don't mind carrying you in this – just try not to annoy me."
"Carry me?! We're a team... Don't think I'm going to do all the work for you!"
"Like the driving now?"
There was a scramble to get down to the cars and enter them. Teams were then told to get out and get in again off camera.
"My name is Mary," the woman who got in the front passenger seat beside Shego explained. "I'll be filming you during the drive and probably for the rest of the day. I think Max is scheduled for the detour."
"Making sure we follow the rules?"
"Yep."
"Detour? Rules?" asked Shego. "I thought we just got somewhere first. That's what a race is."
"Weren't the rules explained to you?"
"I didn't listen to anything after the offer of a pardon. I think there was something about a million... The pardon was what I'm after. How do I get that?"
Mary fidgeted, "I believe the pardon is automatic by your participation. I'm not sure if that's going to be on the show – it would make a bad sound clip. Viewers would ask... Why don't I film Miss Possible reviewing rule details with you? We probably won't use it, but just in case."
"Fine," Shego sighed, then asked in an artificially cheerful tone, "So, Princess, why don't you remind me of the rules?"
"Er, well, we travel by some means to a location where we find a Route Marker, which will give us information about where we go next and how to get there. We may have to travel by bus, or bike, or on foot -"
"So that Filipino will always be the winner?"
"You have to go by whatever the information says, and with limited exceptions we have to stay within twenty feet of each other during the race. So I'll stay with-"
"Hold it, I have to stay within twenty feet of you for this?" Shego demanded.
"Yeah, except when one of the challenges require–"
"And within twenty feet of me, or whoever your camera person is on any given day," added Mary.
"And that detour thing?" asked Shego.
"On most legs there will be a Detour and a Roadblock. A Detour is a choice between two tasks that we have to do together – the route information will usually tell us about them. A Roadblock is something for just one, so the twenty-foot rule is off."
Mary spoke up, "Those are some of the times when there'll be a couple camera people with you, one filming the person doing the Roadblock and the other filming the person who isn't."
"At the end of the leg there'll be a mat we have to step on, sort of a finish line, called the Pit Stop. The last team to arrive may be eliminated."
"And go home?"
"No," Mary explained. "Eliminated teams are kept sequestered and will appear in the final episode. This year losing teams stay at a resort in Malta."
"Losing doesn't sound too bad... And I've already got my pardon?"
"That's what we were told. I don't hand them out."
"C'mon, Shego," Kim pleaded. "Don't you want to be number one?"
"I'm already number one, Cupcake, and don't have to prove it to a bunch of losers – and I don't need dead weight like you slowing me down. And, if I'm out, I probably don't have to stick with you. Losing sounds pretty good, and increasingly better. Are you done with rules?"
"Those are the big ones. Sometimes there're, like, time penalties for cheating. And there can be Yields or U-Turn things that slow you down, or Fast Forwards where you do something and get to take a shortcut to the Pit Stop. There can be Intersections where we work with another team or Partner Swaps where–"
"I think I can figure that out. For the rest of the race?"
"No, just that leg."
"And you said no cheating?"
"No, you can't mess up other teams. Well, except for the Yield thing."
"Where's the fun in that?
For fifteen kilometers there was silence except for reading the map and giving route information. "When we get to Barcelona we find the Parc del Laberint d'Horta. There's a maze there with our next Route Marker." After twenty minutes of silence Kim questioned Shego, "Are you okay?"
"What do you mean?"
"You looked kind of shaky when you got off the bus, are–"
"I'm fine, Princess."
"But–"
"I said I'm fine. Shut the fuck up."
Mary glanced at the speedometer as Shego punctuated her snarl by hitting the gas. "These mountain roads are dangerous."
"I can handle them."
"And if you're stopped by the police you could end up last."
"Already told you, out early isn't much of a threat," Shego retorted, but she slowed down.
Even with Shego's uncharacteristic restraint they passed most of the other cars which left in the group of nine. "I'm guessing neither of them could drive a stick," Kim commented. "Motor Ed would... He didn't get the pardon offer?"
"He's not in custody for them to make the offer, at least as far as I know. And could someone explain why pardon offers were made at all? Does a television network have that much clout?"
Kim and Mary decided if the felons hadn't been told what the race was about they weren't going to say anything.
There was a small delay in Barcelona.
"Can we ask a native for directions to the park?" Kim asked.
"Certainly."
The woman they asked for help gave specific directions and Shego put the car in gear.
"STOP!" Mary ordered
"Why?"
"You asked directions."
"You told Princess she could."
"Yes, and I filmed it. So we have to get her to sign a waiver saying we can use her image in the show if the editors want to use the footage."
They reached the maze of neatly trimmed cypress hedge as Ippo-Ippo, the Yakuza, and their cameraman emerged. The Filipino looked frustrated. "I'm not used to moving this slowly."
"I believe the two old men are still in the lead," Saikoro told Shego.
"Any hints on finding the center?"
"No."
Kim took the lead in the labyrinth, "I have a system."
They found the Cat and Tarantula lost and arguing in the maze. Kim noticed Shego's case of nerves returned and the green woman kept as far back as possible. "Good luck," the Chicano hero told Kim's team.
Standing by a statue of Eros in the center of the maze was a pillar and a box with the next Route Marker.
"And you're telling me it's cheating to take these so the teams behind us can't see them," Shego confirmed.
Mary nodded 'yes'.
"I think this would be more fun if we were allowed to cheat."
Kim had quickly scanned the instructions as the two women talked, "Let's get out of here. We each need to pick up a ham and carry it three kilometers to a restaurant. Carry as in carry by hand."
Monkey Fist and Ron arrived as Kim and Shego left.
"Your boyfriend can't read a map," the Englishman snarled.
"Hey, I do great with GPS," Ron told him.
Fist simply glared.
The exchange brought a question from Shego as they found the butcher shop "What's with you and boy wonder? Haven't exactly kept touch with you from prison."
"We're still best friends."
"No ring, huh?"
"We're not boyfriend and girlfriend. We dated. We're not dating. We're still best friends."
"Ohh... Is there some juicy story behind the breakup?"
"No. Period. Save your breath for carrying ham."
They found the shop where they picked up two seven kilo jamón serranos and directions to the restaurant. The first kilometer was easy. The second kilometer not as easy. But it was miscounting the streets until they were to turn right that left the two women snarling at each other about whose fault it was.
"Keep shouting at each other," Mary urged cheerfully. "It'll make good television."
Kim and Shego stopped fighting and retraced their steps until they were back on track.
At the restaurant Kim asked, "How many teams are ahead of us?"
The man who handed the route information over to them just smiled and shook his head 'no'.
Shego glanced at Mary, "I suppose it's against the rules to beat the information out of him."
"Right."
Shego tore open the envelope. "It's one of those Detour things. One of us, and I mean you – I drove – has a choice of Lug It or Lob It. Lug It, we find the Maremagnum Bridge at the end of something called Las Ramblas and you get into giant costume, something called gigantes y cabezudos. Then you walk over a mile to find a female giant in Plaça de Sant Felip Neri to receive our next clue. For Lob It you get to celebrate a tomato festival at Colònia Güell. And by celebrate I mean locals pelt you with tomatoes while you search through a giant pile of tomatoes for the next clue. Can I pick the one for you to do?"
"No. I'll do the Lug it. I know darn well you'd be throwing tomatoes at me."
"You never let me have any fun," pouted Shego.
As they headed for the Maremagnum bridge they found Hego and Drakken arguing with their cameraman on the interpretation of the rules. Drakken was exhausted from carrying the jamón serrano. Hego was explaining patiently that, while he knew Drakken was required to carry a ham, why couldn't he – Hego – pick Drakken up and carry him? The cameraman was calling in for rules clarification, since the situation had never arisen before.
"I'm going to be ten feet tall in that," Kim said as they found the bridge.
"Yep," Shego smiled. "And got to walk about a mile to find your queen."
The locals who helped Kim into the costume showed her the eye holes. It would be the walk and finding the queen to go with her king that presented the greatest part of the challenge.
A second cameraman joined them, with the new guy filming Kim while Mary stayed with Shego and recorded some of the less than helpful suggestions the the green woman called.
The final route information of the day sent them to the Pit Stop in front of the Catedral de la Santa Creu.
"You both need to step on the mat," Mary reminded them as they approached the huge cathedral to begin their search for the end of the leg. "After you finish I'll call a taxi and get us to the hotel we'll be staying at."
Phil offered "Congratulations. You are team number four to arrive," as they officially finished.
As Kim and Shego turned to leave they saw at a short distance two teams racing towards the finish, apparently each wanting bragging rights over the other. One team was Monkey Fist and Ron while the other was the two masked men, Cat and the Tarantula. Kong, the monkey, ran along with Fist and Ron. Rufus and the spiders rode on shoulders.
"Let's see who wins," Kim suggested.
Shego pulled on Kim's arm, "No, we're getting out of here."
Kim could not be positive, but it deepened her suspicion that Shego had a fear of spiders.
At the hotel they showered and taped an interview about the experiences of the day. Other teams trickled in over the course of the evening.
"You won't always be staying at the same hotel with the other teams," Mary told them as she turned off the camera. "They don't always give the crew all the details until we arrive. The editors will have a terrible time getting this to fit the time limits for each episode. I heard or three or four other teams almost had fist fights."
"Worse than Princess and me?" Shego asked.
"Oh yeah. You two are tame in comparison."
Shego winked at Kim, "She doesn't know us very well, does she?"
"It was the first day. Once we get really tired and stressed you'll probably hit me."
"Ha! I can keep my temper under control way better than you. You'll throw the first punch."
"You really think I'll throw the first punch."
"Yeah, but I'll throw the next five."
It was four hours later when the last team arrived, Capitão Falcão and Ivan Kuznetsov. They were eliminated from the race. The Russian didn't seem to mind. He had his pardon and the millions he had hidden in Swiss accounts.
Kim and Shego were in adjoining rooms. The gunshots at 2 a.m. brought them both into the hall. Rooms on either side and across the hall opened as other heroes and villains came out.
"What happened?"
"I don't know."
"Sounded like shots."
"Sure did."
"Uh, if you don't mind," Jackie Oakes suggested. "I wouldn't mind a few of you staying here to tell the cops – and they'll be here in a minute – that you saw me come out of my room right after the shots."
"Aye, a fine idea," seconded Duff Killigan.
The reason for the shots was debated for several minutes, with robbery being considered the most likely cause, until officers arrived to question where they had been at the time of the shots.
"Was the hotel being robbed?"
"Did someone try to steal the camera equipment?"
"A man has been shot," the officer told them simply. "One of the contestants in your program. His name was Ivan Kuznetsov. He has been killed, murdered."