Boilerplate Disclaimer: The various characters from Kim Possible are all owned by Disney the great and powerful. Any and all registered trade names property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage.
This leg of the Amazing Race adapted from Season 17, episode 3.
Swinging Safari
Several police cars were mingled with the taxis waiting at the Pit Start to take the contestants to the airport the next morning.
"Wonder if they figured out who killed the Russian?" Kim whispered.
Shego shrugged. "My money is still on that Falcon guy."
"It wasn't him," insisted Kim.
The meaning of the police cars was revealed as Team Experience entered a cab. One officer spoke with the driver and returned to the lead police car. The police lights began flashing and the car sped away at well over the speed limit with the taxi following closely. The other police cars also began driving off, at exactly the speed limit. There was an implicit threat all the remaining taxi drivers recognized – pass one of the police cars and be pulled over for speeding.
"There's gotta be a rule against that," complained Shego.
"Probably not," Kim answered. "Probably never happened before, so they didn't include a rule about it. It's like Hego carrying Drakken and the ham. Maybe next time."
"Next time doesn't do us any good."
"You're wanting to do good now? I ask with optimistic hope clear in my voice?"
"What I want to say will get me bleeped," Shego responded, nodding her head at the camera woman recording them.
As they rode to the airport Shego complained, "We gotta find some way to get rid of the old farts. A police escort? Really?"
"You heard they captured four bank robbers?"
"I don't care. I don't like coming in behind fossils. Now give me your dulcet tones."
"Dulcet tones?"
"Your sweet voice."
"So you do love the sound of my–"
"I'm mocking you. Botswana?"
"Yep. Sir Seretse Khama International Airport... Oh, no direct flights."
"Again. Didn't hurt too much yesterday."
"And we'll find our next Route Marker near the Air Qatar check-in."
All the contestants managed to get onto two flights, scheduled to land less than an hour apart.
Kim and Shego were on the plane scheduled to land first. Señor Senior gave an expanded, and humorous version of the bank robbery. The camera crew knew it would get air-time when the program ran on television.
Their plane had been scheduled to arrive in Botswana first. There was more than a one hour delay in Johannesburg, which meant the plane should arrive second – unless the other plane had its own delay.
"Great, just great, we're starting off behind Dumb and Dumber," grumbled Shego.
"Who?" Ron whispered to Kim.
"Hego and Drakken. Although she'd really like to beat Die Fledermaus and Senior."
"We all did yester... I don't think yesterday counts in the win-loss column for them. That non-elimination thing is real, right?"
"It's real. I wonder if they had actually planned yesterday for non-elimination or the producers decided it would look bad if they were put off."
"I'm gonna guess they decided it'd look bad to drop them. Hey, what's it like with you and Shego?"
The green woman looked over at Ron, "You realize I can hear you, right?"
Kim patted Shego's hand, "He knows that." She left her hand resting on Shego's and looked at Ron, "We're getting along wonderfully! She likes me!"
"She's doing her best to creep me out," Shego told Ron, as she retrieved her hand from Kim's. "And she keeps telling me the two of you aren't a couple?"
"No. She's available. Why? Want to ask her out? You don't need my–"
"She's doing fine creeping me out all by herself. She doesn't need your help." Shego lapsed into sullen silence.
Ron assured Kim that Monkey Fist hated him, and swore it would not change. "But I think he wants us to win. I mean, some of the villains are taking it easy – they're just here for the pardon. I'm guessing that's why Dementor and that Indian woman were eliminated. I sorta understand not trying your hardest... Heck, I'm only here to keep the world from getting blown up–"
"World blown up?" Shego asked with sudden interest.
Kim sighed, "They didn't tell the v-i-l-l-a-i-n-s all the details," she told Ron.
"I can spell, you know, Cupcake. What's this all about?"
"I'll tell you tonight. Over drinks."
"She's doing it again," complained Shego.
Ron mimed zipping his mouth shut.
Near the Air Qatar check-in lanes they found the Route Marker which told them to head to the Gaborone Railway Station and purchase tickets on the train to the Francistown Railway Station. All of the teams on their plane made it to the train. They saw none of the teams from the other plane on the train.
"I wonder if we're behind them – or if their flight was delayed and we're ahead of them," Ron wondered. He was seated behind Kim and Shego.
"Doesn't matter," yawned Shego. "Long as Kim and I beat someone in this bunch we won't get eliminated."
Kim and Shego shared a bench seat, as did Die Fledermaus and Señor Senior. Most of the villains and heroes were seated at the edge of the 'within twenty feet' required by the rules.
Kim put an arm around the older woman and pulled Shego close, "You're beat. Lean against me and take a nap."
"I don't want to take a nap!"
"Now, now. I know you're a big girl. You aren't a kindergartner who is being told to take a nap. You had a busy day yesterday. You've been yawning since breakfast. Now just close your eyes and grab a nap."
"Don't patronize me," Shego grumbled. But a nap sounded good. "At the very least I don't have to listen to Kim," she thought before drifting off.
As soon as the train stopped the racers were the first off, they scattered to try and find the next Route Marker. Team Monkey stopped beside the train to consult their oracle.
"Tha' way," Rufus pointed.
"You ask that thing?" their cameraman asked in a skeptical tone.
"Naked mole rat senses," Ron answered. "He always knows."
The cameraman glanced at the English lord. "Do you-"
Monty held up a hand in an 'I don't know' gesture. "He is a remarkable animal."
And Rufus was correct. Team Monkey found the Route Marker first, telling them to catch a bus to Gweta.
"We should tell Kim," suggested Ron.
"We tell no one," snarled Monty.
"But Kim would-" Ron started to retort, then decided to just help find the ticket counter for the bus. He had faith Kim and Shego could find the instructions.
Kim and Shego did find the directions and boarded the bus as it waited its scheduled departure time. So did Team Experience. To Shego's disgust Hawi and Electronique scrambled aboard as the bus started to close its doors to depart. The disgust was all directed at Electronique. Team Sparks, as the camera crew referred to the women with flame and electrical powers were relegated to the back of the bus since those who arrived earlier sat in the front.
Mego and Aviarius ran up as the driver put the bus in gear. Aviarius seemed to be shouting something, perhaps a demand for the bus to stop and let them board. The driver ignored them.
"Wonder when the next bus is?" Ron asked Kim.
"Who cares," Shego answered. "Those two will be on it, with the Filipino and the Yakusa... Can't understand how they missed... Oh, yeah. Doesn't matter how fast Ipo-Ipo is, he's gotta stay close to his partner." She wanted very much to ask about Ron's earlier blow up the world comment, but not when Monkey Fist could hear the answer. Perhaps she could use the information for herself in some way, "No," she told herself firmly. "No more prison. Take the pardon and do something legit."
Monkey Fist and Ron were the first off the bus, but Kong was not in a mood to run, so Kim and Shego were in the lead sprinting to the giant aardvark statue where they'd find the next Route Marker.
There was a stand with a Yield sign near the Marker, with an hour glass on top of the stand. "What's that?" Shego demanded.
"A Yield sign," Kim answered.
"I can see that. What is it?"
"A chance to see if the other plane is ahead of us."
"That's a stupid answer," Shego thought. The green woman grabbed an envelope with directions from the Route Marker as Kim headed to the Yield.
"Other plane was delayed," Kim announced.
"Can you tell me what the Hell you're talking about?"
"It's like the U-Turn, only different. We can take a picture of any team from this pile, and put it behind this plastic sheet so it's easy to see. Then we take put our picture over here to show we did it to them."
"And 'it' is..."
"They have to turn the hour glass over and wait until all the sand runs out before they can start again. And since it looks like we're the first here it means the other plane was delayed too."
"Good! We'll make the old–"
"You are speaking of us?" Die Fledermaus asked.
"No–" Kim started to say.
"Yes I was," interrupted Shego.
"We are flattered that such beautiful young women hold us in such esteem," Señor Senior smiled. "We can wait until–"
"We aren't going to Yield anyone," Kim told them. "Everyone should have a level playing field. Someone else can use the Yield if they want to."
The masked Bat smiled and nodded, "Like Ms Possible I see no reason to harm another team's chances."
"We were U-Turned the other day," Senior reminded him. "Perhaps we could return the favor?"
"Yeah!" Shego agreed enthusiastically. "Yield them!"
Kim suspected Shego's eagerness to slow down El Gato Negro and the Tarantula was based on eliminating the former drug smuggler's spiders.
As Señor Senior and Shego put the appropriate pictures up on the Yield post their partners read the next clue.
"Roadblock," Kim warned. "Title is, who's got good aim? One of us has to throw a spear into a swinging bag to receive the next clue."
"How far?"
"Only twenty feet."
"These challenges seem remarkably easy," commented the Bat.
"I doubt they were designed with the skill sets of yourself or the young ladies in mind," Senior pointed out.
"Good shot," Shego complimented as Kim hit the bag with her first attempt and received the next clue.
Kim's feat was duplicated by Die Fledermaus, Monkey Fist, and Hawi – leaving all four teams in a dead heat.
Their next destination was the Xau Xarra cattle post. Team Experience sped into the lead. "Damn Fledermaus must think he's in the Grand Prix or something," Shego complained as she stopped trying to keep up. "I hope the cops pull him... Doesn't look like there are a lot of cops out here, does it?"
"Nope."
"Can I pray he gets a flat?" Shego asked the cameraman.
"No rule against it. Hey, did you hear you gave the crew the name for you and Kim?"
"No. What is it."
"You're being called Team Cupcake."
Kim laughed as Shego groaned, "Please, please tell me you're joking."
"Nope... Of course it's informal. Don't know if it will be used in the broadcast episodes."
"Is there anyone I can bribe to get a change of–"
"Oh don't be such a fuddy-duddy," Kim interrupted. "I think it's cute."
"You would. And where in the hell did you learn the term fuddy-duddy? I think it went out with cat's pajamas and sheiks."
"Sheiks? They still have them in Arab countries."
"No, it's an old word for college guys. Back in the days of Rudolf Valentino – and fuddy-duddies."
"I heard it from my grandmother."
"That explains it."
"And you knew the... I love intelligent women."
"What's the rule I told you about trying to creep me out? Does it mean if I play dumb you'll back off? And remembering trivia from a class on twentieth century popular culture doesn't make anyone smart."
The camera man filmed them until they reached the cattle station, with Team Monkey and Team Sparks seconds behind.
The Bat and Senior were discussing the Detour as the others took their clues from the Route Marker. "Food or Water."
"Excuse me?"
"We're either pounding corn into corn meal or filling twelve ostrich eggs with water from an underground spring using reed straws."
Señor Senior smiled, "Challenges which, I suspect, are not among the skill sets of any of our teams."
"Yeah," muttered Shego. "But my big brother can probably pulverize the corn with one hit. And that Ipo guy is fast."
"Then it is indeed fortunate that the four of us are in front of all the others."
"Pounding corn is often considered woman's work," Hawi told the others. "And while I am opposed to sexism I've tried pounding corn a few times. I'm hoping the experience helps." She looked at her partner, "Food?"
Electronique nodded in agreement.
"I believe my survival training will help equip me for the water challenge," Monkey Fist commented.
"It is considered more of a man's job," the African said.
"Oh yeah," Ron seconded, "Me and Monty will do the water thing."
"You will call me Lord Fiske," his partner growled.
The pygmy woman explaining the food challenge stared at Hawi as she told them what they needed to do, and how much corn they would need to pound into flour. At the end she asked, almost timidly, "Are you Hawi?"
The black woman smiled and nodded.
The small woman whipped out a cell phone, "Could I send a video of you saying hello to my grandchild? Please?"
As the African hero sent the greeting Shego grumbled, "Why does everyone love heroes?"
Kim purred, "What heroes do you love?"
"You know what I mean!"
Kim tilted her head to the side and gave Shego a skeptical, one-eyed stare. "Why do people like heroes? Really?"
"Okay, okay. Stupid question."
"Maybe we'll run into someone you helped when you were on Team Go."
"I have a better idea, let's start pounding corn."
The four women worked, each at least in part competing with her teammate, but competing against the other two women, but also hoping that both teams of women would finish ahead of the two teams of men. All four were sweating with the effort. Hawi had experience with the task. Electronique and Shego both possessed greater strength than the average human. And Kim Possible was, of course, the young woman for whom anything was possible.
"Wonder how the guys are doing?" Kim grunted. "Monkey Fist thought he could do it."
"Yeah, but he's got Doofus helping him," Shego panted, "that should slow him down."
"Never underestimate Ron," Kim admonished.
"Or those old guys," Electronique added. "Damn, how do they keep doing that?"
Shego almost answered, "Experience." But that would have required saying something to Electronique and she held her opinion to herself. Team Sparks was still reading the clue the woman provided as Kim and Shego finished pounding their measure of corn into coarse flour. Ipo-Ipo and Saikoro arrived as the women were leaving.
"Pounding corn is woman's work," Shego called.
"Maybe," the Filipino answered. "But I'm fast and he says he has experience in pounding rice."
Team Sparks had a fifteen second lead getting their car in gear. The directions were to drive along a marked road through the Makgadikgadi Pans on the edge of the Kalahari Desert to the Pit Stop. Phil would do a voice over in the televised version, talking about the ancient lake that dried up – leaving behind the salt pans – and that some of the earliest evidence for modern humans came from the area.
"You're speeding!" Kim shouted.
"Want to beat Electronique."
"She's not driving."
"Is she in the car ahead?" Shego asked.
"Well... Yes."
"A little slow on the uptake there, Princess. Don't think there's a speed limit here – and there are sure as hell tire marks – it may mean the fossils are ahead of us."
The cameraman, looking slightly green himself, pointed out, "Those could be from our trucks."
"Doesn't change anything," the green woman pointed out.
Kim half turned and noticed a vehicle in the distance behind them. She shaded her eyes, "I think I see Die Fledermaus and Señor Senior behind us."
"Good! I... Damn there is too much dust."
Hawi, driving the car ahead of them, had seen Shego attempting to catch up and had put her own foot down on the accelerator. The cloud of dust made it impossible to see well. Shego decided to not risk her life and freedom by running into the car ahead and eased up slightly on the gas.
"Thanks," Kim told her.
"Just keep your eyes behind us. If they start to catch up I'm flooring it again."
Kim and Shego were second at the pit stop.
"Damn Electronique beat us."
"But we're second today! We beat Team Experience!"
"Yeah, but we still came in behind Sparks."
"Let me get this straight, you don't want to come in behind Experience, or Sparks, or Team Blue–"
"Dumb and Dumber."
"Your brother Mego, Ron and Monkey Fist. Can you stand coming in behind Ipo-Ipo and Saikoro?"
"No. Are you starting to see a pattern, Princess?"
"You don't like coming in second?"
"Bingo." Shego leaned over and whispered in Kim's ear. "You were going to give me the dope tonight on what Ron said about explosions."
"Over drinks," Kim whispered.
"There is no bar. And you drink?"
"If you can get two Diet Cokes™ I'll give you a sketch."
"Two Diet Cokes™?"
"Yep. Haven't had one in days." Kim leaned close and, in what she hoped was a seductive manner, whispered, "I'll do anything for a Diet Coke."
Shego pushed her away. "Stop that."
Kim shrugged, "Those were my terms. You want to talk or not?"
"Fine."
It had appeared to everyone that Burn Berman and Duff Killigan were serious about wanting to win the million dollar prize. But desire for money was not enough to get the two to cooperate. They proved unable to resolve what could have been a minor disagreement. Berman had escalated the problem when he called Killigan a cross-dresser for his kilt and Killigan had retorted by calling Berman a boggin gowk. No one seemed to know what that meant, but the fight at the Gaborone Railway Station had caused them to miss the train. The two were the last to arrive.
"A' least I don' ha'e to see the nyaff on Malta," Killigan grumbled on being told they were eliminated.
It was after midnight when Kim heard the whispered, "Princess?"
"Got the Coke?"
"Yes."
Kim let Shego in. "It's warm!" she complained.
"You didn't specify cold. Not a lot of ice in the Kalahari Desert. Now spill it, what's with the blow up the world thing?"
"What were you told?"
"Pretty close to nothing. Thought it was a joke at first. Get out of prison with a pardon and a chance to win a million dollars if we compete on some reality show? There had to be a catch. The catch was you. Now, seriously, what the hell is going on?"
"Some crazy dictator grabbed a couple nukes and demanded he be allowed to set the ground rules for The Amazing Race."
"No, I mean really."
"That's it." Kim explained General Zelimkhanov and the Worker's Paradise of Qakhatala. "Those guys we sometimes see in the cheap black suits and video cameras, they're Zelimkhanov's agents."
"The ones Bat guy called henchmen are government agents?"
"Only there is no legal government behind them."
"The guy isn't playing with a full deck."
"I hope you mean Zelimkhanov and not Die Fledermaus. There are a number of world leaders who aren't. But when you've got nukes people listen. The Russians are probably going to remove him as a threat before–"
"Kill him. You can say it."
"I don't know. Maybe. I'm sort of surprised it hasn't happened already... Maybe it has and they haven't told us."
"No, they'd pack half the people back into prisons if it was over."
"I was told the promise of a pardon was legit, even if it was resolved... They had to make the promise to get the television network to sign on or something."
Shego took a sip of warm Diet Coke™, leaned back in the chair, and sighed. "So, I really get a pardon... Feels good."
"Shego?"
"Yeah, Pumpkin?"
"Back when we were fighting... The pet names. Were you flirting with me?
"Flirting with you? No way!"
"They were pet names! And you saved my life several times."
"I tried to kill you several times too."
"If you'd wanted me dead you could have killed me. You always gave me a chances, there was always a way out."
"Mistakes by Drakken."
"You saved my life, you teased me with pet names. I think you liked me."
"I don't know who's crazier, you or that Zelimkhanov guy."
"One last question..." Kim licked her lips nervously. "I was... I... Just wondering... Have you ever... Uh, do you sleep with women?"
Shego coughed so violently diet Coke™ sprayed from her nose. When she could speak again she demanded, "What?"
"You heard me. Stalling for time before you answer?"
"None of your damn business."
"Mego thought you had."
"We slept together on the plane."
"You know what I mean."
"Hey, if you didn't know who your partners were going to be on this thing, why were you asking Mego about me?" Shego's eyes narrowed, "I don't remember you talking with him since this race started."
"I asked him months ago... Probably more than a year."
"Why did you ask?"
"Curious about you... I guess I felt guilty about you being in prison and–"
"And so you give my brother the third degree?"
"It made sense at the time. The guilty part was why I didn't want you as a partner. I thought it would be too weird. But now we're partners and..."
Shego laughed, "As partners go... Can you imagine me with my brother and you with Drakken?"
"I'd much rather have you as my partner."
The green woman shrugged, "I guess I'm happy with you as a partner. Maybe. Except for us being Team Cupcake."