Boilerplate Disclaimer: The various characters from Kim Possible are all owned by Disney the great and powerful. Any and all registered trade names property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage.
The pieces for this chapter are from season 16, leg 9 of the Amazing Race. Only the order of events has been changed to protect the innocent.
If You're Happy and You Know It
Kim waved cheerfully to Ron as she and Shego entered the breakfast room, "Ready for the day?"
He stared at her, bleary eyed, "Too early. I schedule my classes so I can sleep 'til noon." He glanced over at Shego, "Does this seem like an ungodly hour to you?"
"All I can say is, I needed yesterday. Prison was sounding good to me and I was picking out who to kill to go back."
Kim chirped, "Hope I wasn't on the list."
Shego closed her eyes and sighed. She turned to Ron. "How about I trade her to Monkey Fist for you? We can be Team... Team... I dunno. But are you as happy about being on Team Monkey as I am being on Team Cupcake?"
Kim swung a hip over against the older woman. "Admit it, you love being with me."
Contestants were not required to be with their partners before the official 'start' of the day's competition. But four camera people taped while other members of the production crew ate. Shego and Kim headed to the breakfast buffet. Drakken, sitting alone, waved hopefully at Shego. His former assistant planned to ignore him, but decided to give a nod of recognition to the greeting.
"Is Drakken going straight?" Kim whispered as they picked up plates. "Will you be working with–"
"Princess, I've had maybe seven words with Little Blue Boy since we all got dumped in Spain. I've have no effin' clue what he plans to do. I can tell you I've got no interest in going back to prison – I'm keeping my nose clean."
"Good, I like clean noses."
Shego deigned not to follow up with a response.
Ron frowned slightly as Shego returned first with her plate. He whispered. "Everything okay?"
"What do you mean?"
"What happened yesterday?"
"I caught up on sleep... Why?"
"'Cause Kim said she slept with you and–"
"Slept! It was just sleeping! Nothing else!"
"Yeah, but now Kim is happy, too happy. I–"
"You talking about me?" Kim asked.
"Just saying you look happy. Warning Shego you're the most dangerous when you're happy."
"Nothing wrong with being happy," Kim giggled and raised her glass of orange juice for a toast. "Let's get dangerous!" Ron raised his glass to tap against Kim's. Shego tried to ignore the toast, but Kim gave her a pout and the green woman raised her glass also. "This is the day we beat Team Experience, for real!"
"We were ahead of them once."
"But we weren't first!"
Die Fledermaus and Señor Senior were at a table near Ron, Kim, and Shego and overheard the comment
"Ah, the exuberance of youth," Senior sighed. "Is it not flattering that we are seen as frontrunners?"
"Very," Die Fledermaus responded.
The remaining contestants boarded a bus for the airport. They amused themselves trying to guess where they were headed and attempting to pump the camera crew for information.
As the bus stopped in front of the terminal they received instructions to book tickets to Kuala Lumpur. Once in the airport there they would find next Route Marker near the Lufthansa ticket counter.
It was the shortest flight so far in the race. Which made things unexpectedly harder. Any number of small, regional airlines ran flights to Kuala Lumpur, which left the contestants scrambled madly to find flights.
As Kim and Shego settled into their seats. Kim felt a mild case of dread. "This is too easy."
"Of course it is. It's like the western movies when a couple guys are keeping watch over at the covered wagons at night and one says to the other, 'It's quiet. Too quiet.' And you know the Indians are about the attack. We probably need to catch a Lufthansa flight to someplace really nasty."
"I don't think the race goes anywhere nasty. According to what I read, after the first couple seasons countries began competing to be locations. They want to show themselves off to attract American tourists."
"Thank God for the almighty dollar. So we go to fun places and suffer exhaustion building stuff or pounding corn?"
"Or eating bugs. Sorry," Kim knew it had been a mistake to say as soon as the words were out of her mouth. Shego winced at the reminder.
Team Blue was on their flight to Kuala Lumpur. Hego waved cautiously to his sister as they boarded. Shego ignored him. Kim knew the wave had been meant for Shego, but she pretended it had been for her and waved back. "How are you two doing?"
"As well as could be expected," Hego grumbled, "saddled with this villain."
"Who you need 'cause you'd be lost without me!" Drakken told Kim. "He doesn't know how to read a map."
"Don't talk with them," Shego whispered, "it only encourages them."
In a show of his directional abilities Drakken headed off toward the baggage claim area when they landed while Kim and Shego headed for check-in and ticketing. They had no idea if they were the first to land or were behind every other team but Team Blue.
"Take a bus to the Kuala Lumpur Sentral Railway Station and then purchase tickets for the train to Singapore," Kim read.
"That's it for... Malaysia?" Shego asked in disbelief. "You told me countries were rolling over and doing tricks to get attention. The freakin' airport and railway station are the only things for tourists to see?"
"Maybe this is the closest airport to Singapore," Kim suggested as they looked for signs to take them to ground transportation. "I don't know everything... Although perhaps I should flattered you think I do."
"No, I don't think you know everything, but you act like you do."
"Shego, how about we start the day playing nice with each other? We just had a rest day. Why don't we delay the snarky comments and yelling at each other until later in the day when we're both tired and cranky?"
Shego shrugged, "What the Hell. Deal."
Kim wanted to prowl through the train to see what other teams were on, and since the rules required Shego to stay close the pale woman also toured the train. "Seven hours? Seven lousy hours? This is not high speed rail."
"We can nap."
"I think we need to change trains a time or two as well."
"But, on a positive note, I doubt anyone arrived early enough for the train ahead of us. And the next train isn't for a couple hours so we definitely have a jump on any teams not onboard.
Despite their earlier confusion at the airport Drakken and Hego had made the train. They sat as far apart from each other as rules allowed.
Señor Senior smiled and nodded when he saw the women. Die Fledermaus also acknowledged their presence. "Miss Possible, Miss... Pardon me, how do you wish to be addressed?" he asked Shego. "Are we allowed to call you Team Cupcake? Rumor has it the film crew assigned the epithet to the two of you."
"You can call me Shego," the green woman growled. "No Ms, Miss, Mrs. or fake title. And you don't call us Team Cupcake."
"She's not in a good mood," Kim apologized. "Got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."
"You should have given her the choice of sides," Senior suggested. "At least there was a rumor the two of you–"
"All we did was sleep!" Shego shouted. "We slept."
"And talked," corrected Kim. "I wanted to talk, she just wanted to sleep. Thailand was stressful, we had to clear the air about a couple things so we could function better as a team."
"Ah, well now that you are functioning better as a team my partner and I will be alert."
Shego and Kim found Team Monkey on the train as well. They appeared to be playing cards. While Ron, Fist, and Kong were all able to hold their cards a wooden card holder had been set up for the hand in front of Rufus.
"Hey, KP, glad you made it. Monty is teaching Rufus and me how to play whist."
"Whist?" asked Shego.
"It is the game from which bridge originated," Monkey Fist explained. "Since neither Kong nor Rufus is able to offer a clear bid we are playing the original form of the game."
Kim's brow wrinkled in thought, "Rufus and Kong?"
"I'm pretty sure Kong has played before," Ron told her. "And he's really good... Or he cheats."
Fist sneered, "My partner does not cheat."
"Anyway, Monty says I owe him... What was it I'm down?"
"Nine shillings, sixpence," the English lord reminded him.
"Wait, England doesn't use shillings any more," Kim protested.
"But the game was invented before decimal coinage."
That still made no sense to Kim, "But you can't–"
Shego pulled on Kim's arm, "C'mon, cupcake. If you keep talking with those four your head's gonna explode."
Seven hours after leaving Malaysia they arrived in Singapore. They had left Thailand so early there was still time in Singapore to, "Find the Victoria Theatre and Concert Hall."
Kim sighed, "Another former British colony?"
"They boasted the sun never set on the British Empire. What do we do there?"
"Find someone named Allan Wu... Apparently he's the host of an Amazing Race, Asia show."
Shego shrugged, "Never heard of show being a franchise. Who knew?"
Teams and cameramen ran from the train station to find taxis.
The gods of television were having a joke at the expense of reality, and Team Blue was leaving the theater as Kim and Shego arrived.
"What the hell?" Shego wondered. "Dumb and Dumber got here ahead of us?"
Kim suggested, "They must have got all the lights right. We sure didn't. Wonder where the other teams–"
Before she could finish the sentence another taxi pulled to the curb and a partial answer came as Ron and Fist exited. "Did I see Drakken and Hego pulling away?" Ron called.
"Yes, but they can't be too far ahead."
Monkey Fist pointed out, "But we have yet to find this Allan Wu."
Along with their camera crews, five dashed into the theater. Five in the sense that Kong ran. Rufus stayed secure in Ron's pocket.
Ron maneuvered to be close to Kim for a whispered conversation. "Worried about you, KP."
"Worried about me? Why? And what was that thing about me being dangerous when I'm happy at breakfast."
"You slept with Shego yesterday."
"Slept. She'd had a really bad day and needed comforting."
Ron raised an eyebrow. "Just comforting her, huh? That's it?"
"Well, for now," Kim grinned.
"You're crushing on her."
"Am not!"
"Really?"
"Well... Maybe a little."
"Careful, KP."
"I'm a big girl, Ron. I know what I'm doing."
"Pretty sure that's what the captain of the Titanic said. Well, not the big girl part."
The Route Marker they were handed directed them to Sentosa park, where they were to ride the Megazip, a 450 meter zipline to get the next Route Marker.
The Bat and Señor Senior arrived as the two teams left the theater.
While Drakken and Hego were the first to arrive at the park they had not completed the task. Once again, Hego's weight – because of his density – meant that the operators of Megazip felt it would be dangerous to allow him to try.
"But he's so strong," Drakken argued, "a fall wouldn't hurt him!"
"I don't know if–" Hego tried to interject.
"It would damage the zipline," the operators insisted. "This cost a lot of money, we can't allow you to break it."
Both teams, Monkey and Cupcake, edged around the arguing pair.
"Can I do it?" Kim begged Shego.
"Sure. Knock yourself out," the older woman agreed.
Kim stuck out her tongue, "Don't you have any fun anymore?"
"Do you want to take the damn ride or not?"
"Of course, that's–"
"Then why bust my chops over letting you do it? Would a 'Thanks, Shego,' kill you?"
Kim swung a hip over to bump against Shego, "Thanks, Shego." She gave the thief a winked and purred, "I'll show you my appreciation later."
Monkey Fist coughed, "I believe they intend this show for a family audience."
As the zipline staff connected Kim to the safety equipment Shego turned to Ron and whispered, "This what you meant about dangerous?"
"Yep."
Team Experience had arrived and Drakken had to make a decision. Although the four teams felt fairly confident they were in the lead they couldn't be completely sure. If Die Fledermaus and Senior also went around them it would mean they were in last place – if the other teams had arrived earlier than seemed likely.
"Fine, I'll do it," grumbled Drakken.
Ron tapped Shego on the shoulder as Kim sailed down the zipline with a shout of joy, "Was Drakken always such a coward?"
"Yeah, pretty much."
Kim ripped open the Route Marker on her return, "Detour! Pounding the Drum or Pounding the Pavement."
"I don't like the sound of pounding the pavement, sounds like pretending to be hookers."
"Yeah, it does, doesn't it? It's going to a place called Rochor Road and setting up an ice cream stand and selling ice cream sandwiches. Oh, we're going to do Pounding the Drum!"
"And what is it?"
"Some kind of dance or rhythm routine for a lion dance. Some dancers say if we pass and we get the next Route Marker."
The green woman shrugged, "Poe-tay-toe, Poe-tat-oh."
Kim took Shego by the hand and pulled her toward the taxi stand, "I'll bet you dance great! C'mon!"
Learning the movements for the lion dance was a little more complicated than Kim had imagined, not difficult, simply a little more complicated than Kim had thought it would be. The real stress was Team Experience arriving only a couple minutes afterwards.
"Why are they here?" Kim whispered.
"Duh, to learn the lion dance?"
"I mean, they're guys. Old... I mean mature. Guys don't dance!"
"Once upon a time, Princess–"
"That again?"
"Once upon a time, guys knew how to dance. And those two are probably from a generation when men danced well."
Kim and Shego received their Route Marker envelope after their first attempt at the complex dance, but they felt certain the two men would also pass on their first attempt.
"Faster," Kim urged Shego as the pale woman tore open the envelope. "Roadblock?"
"Yeah. Oh, you're gonna love what they're calling it."
"Why? What is it?"
"Who's ready to add some stress to their day?" Shego read for a minute. "Thankfully it's nothing like that last one. We find the ASL Marine Shipyard and count the number of links on an anchor chain."
"That's it? Where's the stress?"
"I've got no effin' clue. Maybe the anchor is down in the water and you have count while you're swimming down."
"How come I have to do it? I did the zipline!"
"Which you begged me to let you do, remember?"
"Oh, yeah. And I promised you a reward, didn't I?"
"Let's move. I don't want the old farts to beat us again."
Ron, Monkey Fist, Kong and Rufus were leaving as Teams Experience and Cupcake arrived.
"Selling ice cream sandwiches was easy," Ron shouted.
"How many links on the chain?" called Shego.
"All of them," Fist answered.
The stress at the shipyard turned out to be the fact it was business as usual. The din of riveting, sound of heavy equipment, workers yelling, and the blare of loud speakers was deafening. Kim was handed a clipboard and instructed to write her answer out before turning it over the dock manager to see if she had the number correct.
"Concentrate, Kim, concentrate," the redhead told herself in an attempt to focus as she rushed through the counting. Señor Senior was counting links at a slower, but steady pace as she ran her clipboard over to the dock manager who looked at the number she had written, 519, and shook his head no. Disgusted with herself Kim ran back to count again.
To the side of the shipyard Shego hurled an accusation at Die Fledermaus, "You two are losing your hearing, aren't you?"
The Austrian simply smiled, "You'll have to speak up. I'm not wearing my hearing aids."
The dock manager smiled and handed Kim a Route Marker when he saw the 521 written on her clipboard. Kim ran to Shego, tearing open the envelope. "My ears are still ringing," she complained as Shego took out the next set of directions.
"Istana Park, intersection of Penang Road and Orchard Road."
"Pit stop?"
"Doesn't say."
As Kim and Shego reached the park Phil and some unknown man, probably a local official of some kind – there to make the greeting official, stood behind the mat marking the Pitstop. To their right stood Ron and an annoyed looking Monkey Fist. On the left Die Fledermaus and Señor Senior chatted casually.
"What the hell?" demanded Shego.
"Step on the mat," Kim urged.
"You'll be first," Phil told them.
Shego smelled a trap, "We can be first?"
Ron explained, "We, uh, have an hour penalty. Gotta wait," he glanced at his watch, "eleven more minutes."
"How dare they call Kong helping us sell ice cream sandwiches cheating," snarled Fist. "Your camera person should have told us it was unacceptable."
Shego glanced over at Team Experience. "And you two? Did you cheat?"
"We overheard your wish to finish first. We will step on the Pit Stop after you lovely ladies complete this leg of the race."
"We don't need your damn charity!"
"We are being chivalrous," Die Fledermaus assured her. "Who spoke of charity?"
"You're not being chivalrous. You're being condescending, arrogant, and sexist."
"Americans," sighed Señor Senior, "so unaccustomed to good manners they cannot respond with grace to a compassionate gesture."
"Shego–"
"Stay right there, Cupcake. We're not taking charity from the old farts."
Die Fledermaus shrugged, "You may be right," he told Senior, "but is it their youth which makes them foolish rather than the fact they are American?"
"An interesting question, my friend."
Plasma began to glow around Shego's hands.
"If you can keep fighting for another ten minutes Monty and I are willing to be first," Ron called.
"We deserve it," the English lord insisted. "We got here first. And they're rude because they're Americans."
"This is going to be broadcast," Kim predicted. "The show must go on," she announced and put her arms around Shego's waist.
"What are you–"
"Dragging you to the Pit Stop," and began to put her words into action.
"But they're–"
"Being smug. And trying to undermine our confidence. And arguing with them won't cure them of either."
Phil offered congratulations as Kim dragged Shego onto the mat. "I'm pleased to tell you that you're team number one today, and Travelocity is giving you a five day vacation for two to Hawaii."
Senior, bowed to his partner and gestured for the Bat to step on the mat first as Phil congratulated them on being the second team to arrive. Kim and Shego and their camera crew were already finding a taxi to take them to their hotel.
"Turning in right away?" Kim asked Shego as they arrived.
Fearing the younger woman wanted to talk Shego assured her, "Yep. Need my sleep."
Actually sleep was a good idea. Twenty minutes later Shego was ready for bed when there was a knock on the door.
"Shego?"
"She's not here."
"Let me in, I'll wait for her."
"Go away, Pumpkin. I told you I'm going to bed."
"Good. Your turn to hold me."
"I'm not opening the door."
"Okay, I'll just stand out here and let the other guests see me, and hear me as I–"
Shego threw open the door, grabbed Kim by the wrist, and jerked the younger woman inside. "What are you doing?"
"I held you last night. Your turn."
"I was a basket case. You were a girl scout, and you sure as hell shouldn't be demanding a quid pro quo. That's not how heroes behave."
"I'm not a hero anymore, remember? And I owe you for letting me go on the zipline."
"You paid me back for counting the chain."
"And it's supposed to get cold tonight, I heard it's supposed to go down to 35°."
"The 35° is in Celsius. You're a college girl. 35° Celsius... I think that's like 115° in yards. Too damn hot."
"Fortunately the rooms are air-conditioned."
Shego closed her eyes, "I'm going to count 'til–"
"Shego?"
"What," the older woman snapped.
"It felt good for me to wake up in bed with someone. It's been a couple years. How long for you?"
"None of your damn business. And prison in not a good place for–"
"Did it feel good for you to wake up with someone, even if it was me?"
Shego took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. "Crazy, but yeah. It was nice."
"So, you'll put your arms around me and hold me?"
"Will you promise to shut up?"
Kim mimed zipping her lips shut.
"Fine, Princess," Shego sighed. "I get right side of the bed."