Chapter 95 - Grief
May, 2001
Sephiroth's phone wakes him up.
It buzzes against his bedside table. The light throws shadows against his ceiling, coloring everything in grays and blues. Sephiroth twists in the bed, his sheets tangling around him sleepy and heavy. His hand moves towards the phone. It's early enough that the room is completely dark. He groans and squints at the clock.
It's close to three in the morning.
He blows out a breath, trying to clear out his mind.
It must be Genesis in Wutai. It would be midmorning there. He has forgotten again about the time change or has decided he doesn't care. Genesis' fake surprise isn't worth the minimal acting he put in. He knows that phone calls aren't muted on Sephiroth's phone. This isn't the first time he has done it and certainly it wouldn't be the last. Sephiroth sighs at his headache. His body hadn't settled last night. He will be tired all day tomorrow.
The worst part is he knows that Genesis will enjoy that.
Sephiroth will threaten him that if it isn't an emergency call, he would change his settings and mute his phone at night.
It's an empty threat.
Genesis knows-
Genesis knows-
Sephiroth leans forward against the mattress and drops his head.
No. Genesis knew.
He slumps forward in the darkness as his strength leaves. A shaky breath comes out of him. These late nights are poisonous. It catches him when he is unprepared. The thing that his grief had turned into curls tighter in his chest. The claws dig in further, piercing through the dead flesh to find new hurt. He had forgotten that Genesis used to do this.
How could he have forgotten that? It used to be a centerpoint of their relationship while he was abroad.
It keeps haunting him. His impeccable memory has gone soft. The past bleeds forward into the present.
The phone stills. The screen goes black. Sephiroth concentrates on his breathing, forcing the sting down. His fingers curl into his sheets. It is just another mistake. Something that he has to shut down. He will go back to sleep to try to wash away these emotions.
The ringing starts again.
Sephiroth's eyes rise to the screen. He hates it. It cannot be Genesis. No one else should be calling him. They've already pushed him too much. He's been perfect on the outside, almost flawless against the grief inside him. How could they take even these few hours of rest he gets away from himself?
The phone skitters across the surface.
Sephiroth's fingers numbly clasp around the edges. Shinra Corp. Priv. Line is the name scrolling across the screen. He winces at the muscles that have clenched in his shoulders as he sits up. He leans against his headboard and tries to clear his mind.
"Hello?"
"Sephiroth." His name is purred through the speaker like an invitation. "Did I wake the First Class SOLDIER?"
Sephiroth frowns. "Who is this?"
"Rufus Shinra."
Sephiroth rubs his face with his free hand and tries to focus. This is some new trick and threat. He is sure of that. They are still testing, restlessly, for his own signs of rebellion. That has all died in him after seeing Angeal. All the space that Genesis and Angeal had carved out of his life truly collapsed within him. Sephiroth hadn't realized that he had been holding onto it just in case they would come back into his life.
Now he is in ruins.
"Why are you calling me?"
Rufus forces him to listen as he takes a drink out of glass. A sigh statics through the line.
"I am congratulating you so congratulations."
This must be a dream. The clock's time rolls over another minute. He must be still asleep. This is some new version of his mind trying to make things better. Rufus isn't even in Shinra.
"Don't you want to know why?" Rufus asks when Sephiroth choses to say nothing.
"I don't dare ask."
Another long sip, Sephiroth can almost imagine the wine slipping down the sides of the glass.
"I am calling to inform you that you have been promoted to the Director of SOLDIER, effective about an hour ago."
Sephiroth blinks. "Director Lazard is in charge."
The chuckle is low. "Lazard has abandoned his post. You are in charge. Get dressed. I am sending a car."
That shakes any remaining sleep away from him. Sephiroth stands. He can't sit when listening to this. His feet are centered on the ground as he stares at his closed door. The room is quiet except for the phone. It is impossible. This could not be another change in his life.
"Lazard would never do such a thing."
"…and who would have thought a First would break into a SOLDIER morgue only to sob over a dead body?" Rufus laughs. "We live in strange strange times, my friend."
He almost breaks his phone. Instead he controls the tone of his voice, only dropping it to a level where it would be more a threat.
"I don't want this."
Rufus scoffs. "Don't flatter yourself. It was between you or Zack Fair. As you know, that means that there was no option at all. Don't do anything stupid. I wasn't joking about that car. It will be there in twenty minutes. Be ready for it and to clean up the mess this shithead has left behind."
The line cuts.
Sephiroth stands brokenly in his room.
Nothing has changed in the space but everything has shifted again.
Sephiroth is now leading SOLDIER.
He has inherited the job that Angeal was destined for.
The apartment is quiet. He takes a step and stops. It's too much. He's so tired. Waking up thinking that Genesis is awake would have been enough to make him have yet another bad day. Now, there are new responsibilities on his chest that he never wanted. His palms come up and he presses them deep into his eyes, trying to stop the overflow of these repercussions.
The pressure does nothing.
He has to move forward. There are no other options left for him.
When he opens his eyes, she stands there before him.
Her body is the same as it always has been. She's lithe and nude in the light coming from his bedside table. A small pool of water has stained the carpet around her feet. She blinks at him idly and waits on him.
She has appeared and disappeared in his life, flashing in and out of existence almost unremarked. Like the ache in his chest, Sephiroth has simply grown accustomed to her. Sometimes she moves and reacts to what is happening around her. There was a time that Sephiroth was talking with Tseng and she walked up behind the Turk and breathed in his ear.
Tseng never noticed.
Other times she stands oblivious and waits for him to react. People walk through her. It is as if she is disconnected completely, hanging onto him solely. If a ghost can have moods, this one does.
This mood is caught somewhere in between. She tilts her head. Strands of wet hair detach from her cheek and hang loose. It is the silent question.
Is this the day you will talk to me, Sephiroth?
At least that is what he imagines she is saying. She could easily be imagining killing him. Yet, if that is her intention, she would have already tried to do it. She wouldn't have tried to comfort him as many times as she had. She wouldn't be here in another moment of weakness.
Is this the day that he will talk to her? Or that she will breach forward, breaking fully into him, and whisper words into his mind?
Sephiroth traces the line of her collarbone and watches her breath, light and easy. His mind may ache but he isn't ready. Going to her feels like the moment before he knocked on Genesis' door after he had gotten hurt. Sephiroth knew that his actions would change something. He had hoped for the better. Instead he had just made Genesis cry into his arms.
He stands on the edge of an easy fall with no end.
No.
Sephiroth turns away and strides to the door.
He doesn't have time for that.
She's gone when he returns.