"The sun also shines on the wicked." ― Seneca
After Edward leaves I find myself stuck in a suspended state of crying and sleeping. Neither quite one over the other. It takes hours to gather enough energy to push myself out of bed. But when I do, I'm ravenous. I eat all the scraps I can gather out of the refrigerator in the middle of the night.
Charlie finds me with a fistful of crackers halfway to my mouth. I'm grateful I'm wearing a baggy sweatshirt or else he would have put it together.
He doesn't comment on what I know are my red, puffy eyes. I wave him off by mumbling, "I'm fine."
When morning comes, I don't actually know if I'm fine, but it feels too much like walking through quicksand trying to figure it out. Jessica mentions that we need to hang out again, do something fun before I'm 'ruined' for the next eighteen years. I actually laugh at that.
Rosalie waits for me outside of school again, but not in her car this time, fortunately. She's in an expensive dress, hiding in the trees next to my truck. I know the stance doesn't suit her at all, it's something he would do, but I take it as her trying not to disrupt my routine any more than she has to. I still laugh when a leaf blows into Rosalie's hair and she struggles to get it out without ruining her curls.
When I approach, she just rolls her eyes at me and hands me a book. I know it to be one of those pregnancy books that goes into gory detail about every change my body is going through.
"Oh, weird," I say, shaking my head.
"Just take it," she growls.
I do because I realize it's her way of apologizing to me that she couldn't stop Edward from showing up. And I also know neither of us wants to talk about that.
"Are you eating well?" she asks.
I hum a non-committal answer as if the thought of a burger and fries doesn't appear every couple of minutes.
"Carlisle will scold you just as much when you go to see him," she warns.
"Okay," I say even though I don't believe her. It would also mean seeing the other Cullens and I'm not sure I'm ready for that.
"He made me go to medical school for him. I paid attention during the obstetrics lessons. You need vegetables, fruit, and low-fat dairy. I'll keep repeating that, Bella."
I nod, though my eyes are already beginning to glaze over in preparation for another long lecture. Rosalie's expression changes, however. I'm beginning to recognize it as guilt.
"And Alice wants to see you," she finally grumbles. "Her ability is not working as well as normal. You're particularly spotty. She thinks it has to do with the dogs. They're a complete blindspot."
"She can't see the wolves at all?" I gape.
Rosalie shakes her head.
"But I'm not around him all the time."
Her eyes cast downward. I immediately put a hand over my belly.
"Right, because the baby is half his…" I reason.
Rosalie shrugs, but her eyes suggest something else. "I don't care either way. Let the bitch struggle without her sight for a minute. We were all going to agree to not bother you for a while, but I convinced them to let me go to see if she could see this interaction."
"Can she?" I ask, if only out of the prickling curiosity gathering on the back of my neck.
Rosalie doesn't answer.
"I know you don't want to see us, Bella. And I do understand. I'd let you run off with your perfect, human life if I could. But you'll have to be the one to organize the meeting between our species eventually. We're all here for the same purpose. Despite how much of a moron Sam seems to be, it's obvious he cares for you too."
I chew my bottom lip.
The wind blows through my hair again and Rosalie stiffens. It's another cruel reminder that it was never just Edward who hid his instincts around me.
"I don't disagree," I finally say to her.
And in principle, I really don't. It's just that the pain lingering beneath the surface feels too great to ignore. But in the end, I know I will do everything for my child, for Sam.
Rosalie seems to catch what I am thinking, but her face grows into a scowl as she continues with her lines.
"Alice believes that if you see her, she may be able to get past whatever is blocking her. Perhaps the same is true with the wolves. They clearly seem to be involved in this whole mess. I don't want her to be any more powerful, but we need to have an idea of how this might end. I don't like what we're theorizing right now. No one does."
"Okay, I'll think on it," I secede.
She gives me a worried look.
"I just want to see Sam right now," I admit.
Rosalie stares at me. I almost flinch suddenly imagining her eyes the color of rubies. But could Rosalie ever really be that way? I know the revenge she got, but every time I think about it, I can't help feeling it was justified.
"When you do, tell him he knows what's happening in Seattle is a bad sign. We have to prepare."
She doesn't give me anything concrete after that.
Thankfully, it is a Friday and I decide it won't hurt to wait to call Sam tomorrow. I tell myself that even if there's an ache in my chest that refuses to leave when I do my best to pass the time with homework and leisurely novels. It might be a while before I touch Gone with the Wind again.
By the time I do get around to calling Sam, almost all I can think about is eating. He promises diner food that sounds delicious at the cost of meeting his mom. It terrifies me, but I'm too hungry to say no.
Finally, I see Sam again.
He hugs me and it's heaven. And it's purgatory when he lets me go. I ache even worse realizing this may be the first thought of biblical concepts I've had since the Cullens. It's strange, I'm not even religious. Perhaps the existence of the supernatural is just impossible to describe without these Western beliefs.
I sit down in the booth across from him. My stomach flutters as I realize his shirt may be a size too small. Every curve to his musculature painfully obvious. He looks at me like I am the only thing that exists in front of him. It's the way he's always looked at me, hasn't it?
"Hi," I say, nearly biting my lip clean off.
"How are you?"
It hurts that I have to tell him about Edward and the others. It hurts to think about it for too long.
But then we're interrupted.
When Sam's mom touches my stomach, I was convinced my legs were going to give out. And then Sam telling me he knows exactly where our baby's heartbeat is located. My own heart could have stopped then.
She asks me how I'm feeling. I don't lie, but calling it the truth wouldn't be accurate either. There are just simply too many emotions to describe. A thousand of them centered around her son.
Even if she terrifies me, I like Sam's mom. I can see so much of her in him. The fierceness, the drive to protect, the hidden softness. I hope those traits will be passed down.
I chastity Sam after his mom leaves for calling the baby a she.
"I think it's a boy," I counter.
"We'll see," he smirks.
When we eat, I know I need to tell Sam about the problems in Seattle. There's no way Victoria isn't involved, especially considering how Rosalie is acting. Something seems hidden from me, intentionally, I would argue.
"We'll take care of it, Bella," Sam says, adding himself to the list. But I don't much care about that at the moment.
"Please don't put yourself in danger," I groan.
"I think we'll be fine. Plus, the whole pack knows about the baby. Everyone is ready to protect you," he tells me, almost winking.
"Oh, god," I blush. "So many people know now."
He reaches for my hand across the table, "No one is judging you. Just me, I think."
I smile at him, my heart fluttering for the rest of our meal.
When we kiss goodbye, I realize I want more. I really, truly might want more with him. It's different from being drunk at a New Year's party and trying to fix the gaping hole in my chest, it's different from the uncontrollable dreams I sometimes have. This time, my legs quiver and I desperately want him. Down to the core.
But I have to let go.
I wonder, I hope, that expression on his face is the same as what I am feeling.
Crap, I realize later at night that I didn't even tell Sam about Alice's powers not working on him. But I'll see him again soon. I know myself enough to say that I can't stay away for long.
There's a bubbling in my chest that doesn't seem able to go away. I know I need to talk to someone else about it. Try to make sense of what it seems I feel for him. Enough to kiss him repeatedly, I add to myself.
I might talk to Leah. I've texted her a few times since getting her number, but it feels cruel to ask her about a man she used to be involved with. And Angela seems too modest to really want to talk about a bodily issue like this. Though since she knows I'm pregnant, that can't be an unavoidable thought. Still, it would be an awkward conversation. This leaves only one person. The same one who may be the reason Sam and I first got together.
I send Jessica a text: Free today?
She gets back to me instantly.
U know it ;)
I smile.
Want to come over? I can make dinner.
Jessica sends back an enthusiastic reply only seconds later: I can leave now!
After double-checking that she knows the address, I head downstairs to prepare something. There's defrosted ground beef and a jar of tomato sauce. My stomach grumbles loudly. It'll be lasagna.
It's a recipe I know by heart. So when I finish and put the dinner in the oven, the minutes tick by with an ever-increasing unease. She should be here by now. I look over at the clock on the wall repeatedly. I was hoping she could be over at least a couple of hours before Charlie gets home, but I don't know if that's likely anymore.
The worry continues to creep up my spine. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to go outside to check if her car is approaching? Maybe I did give her the wrong house number or something.
But the moment the front door clicks closed behind me, I realize what has been waiting. My stomach drops.
"Hello," Victoria's silky voice enunciates every syllable. It isn't full of malice, or of any intention to toy with the prey in front of her. Instead, she just looks at me with a soft curiosity. It would be almost friendly if not for her eyes.
Instincts tell me to run. This is a person who has threatened me and everyone else around me. I can't stick around. But I'm frozen in place.
"You can't be here," I say. It's the only thing I can say. My teeth begin to chatter. I press myself back against the door. It wouldn't even do any good if I did run inside and lock it immediately. I know she's unstoppable.
She smiles but otherwise does not move. Her cropped green jersey flaps in the wind. The only proof she isn't the same kind of ghost Edward once was to me.
"I didn't want you to forget about me, Bella."
How could I?
My hand falls to my stomach, cupping the swell to protect my tiny child from her. But the strength of a vampire would tear through my limbs like jelly in an instant. I still have to do something, anything for him.
She looks down at my belly and almost frowns, "That's new."
"Please, don't," I beg.
Red eyes that don't give away much emotion. Neither hatred nor overt envy. She still stares at the area though.
"An unfortunate casualty," Victoria finally decrees.
I shake my head back and forth rapidly, "No, you can't."
She shrugs, mechanical and cat-like all the same, "You don't seem that far along. It won't be the greatest loss the world has ever seen."
Tears stream from my eyes. Because she's wrong. It would be the greatest loss in the world to Sam and me. I know that for certain.
"Maybe if you beg enough, I'll make both of your deaths quick," she smirks.
I drop to my knees, feeling the concrete scrap against my flesh. The metallic taste already flooding my mouth.
"Please just take me! Take me!" I yell, all of the breath in my lungs sucking out so quickly. "Please. I'll go with you willingly. Just wait until after he's born. I swear."
She purses her lips, "Tempting, but I can't wait that long. The idea of forever seems utterly pointless without James. My plan has already begun. But don't worry, Bella; I am not going to hurt you now. I've just stopped by to say hello. Have you done what I've asked? Brought the Cullens back?"
A switch in tactic shoots through my body. Slowly, I push myself back up. Though my legs wobble, I block the entrance to our house as if it does any good. But I'll make the gesture count. I'll stand firm.
"Forget about Edward," I say, jutting my chin upwards. "It's me you're angry with."
Victoria chews on this thought.
"You're right. You're a big part of it. The audacity of someone your kind," she breathes out in a laugh. "I could kill you easily. But it wouldn't be enough. It wouldn't have been enough for James."
"You loved him a lot," I reason, slowly, just enough to catch a glimmer in her red eyes. I breathe out through my nose slowly, trying to keep my voice steady so she'll hear the logic in my words. "I'm sure he loved you too."
A piece of her ego finally snaps and she looks at me with devastating anger, "What the hell do you know about love? You exist for a second, a single second to someone like me."
I know about love, I think bitterly, with my hand still cupped to my stomach. I've known the oblivious, obsessive love. I might know true love if I let myself. And now I certainly know the selfless kind, tied to the face of an unborn child who shares Sam's features. I know love quite well.
"I don't think you deserve to have everything in the world, darling. Vampires and these wolves to tend to your every need? A family of your own blood? No, that's not quite right for someone who knows our secret. I'm not a rule follower myself if you couldn't have guessed, but the Volturi wouldn't have approved. But if I'd told them, they'd just kill you instantly too. And that circles back to my first problem: your death isn't enough. I am going to annihilate your coven."
Truth washes over me. As a single strand of sunlight makes it through the clouds to erupt on her skin, seeing Victoria in a new light metaphorically too. Truth erupts in front of me. Only out of the corner of my eye can I see her squirm in my examination.
My mouth drops open, "That's why you want to kill me. It isn't just about your mate. It's about the fact that they killed him for a human."
She laughs, but the rage doesn't leave from behind her eyes.
I'm crazy, I'm nearly suicidal, but I press on, digging under her granite skin as much as I can.
"You want to prove to them that they shouldn't care so much about us too, huh?"
"That's true," she admits.
"Maybe I agree," I laugh, absurdism clouding my judgment. "I can't love him again."
"It doesn't matter if you don't love him anymore," she says. "He'll always love you. That's how vampires work. I just want to show him that if he gave in to his instincts more, he could have prevented your death. If only he turned you earlier. There's an order to how things work. Maybe not as strict as the Volturi believe, but it's written into nature. He shouldn't have disrupted that."
I want to ask about who this Volturi is that she keeps referencing, but it isn't the time. If she really isn't going to harm me now, maybe I can win in a battle of wits.
"There are lots of things he shouldn't have done," I finally say. A weight leaves my chest and somehow I'm able to stand up even taller. "But you got what you wanted. He's back now."
"I'm glad," she smiles. "Things can go quicker now. Your pitiful existence won't have to go on much longer."
"As long as everyone else is safe," I say. I curl my hand into a fist thinking about the fact that my baby would die with me still. I won't give up on this one piece no matter what. No matter if she chains me to a rock in the middle of the wilderness. I will still beg for him.
"Is that so? I think you may be forgetting someone?" Victoria teases.
My stomach drops, the knowing intonation in her voice devastates me. But my brain doesn't work fast enough to decipher her meaning.
"Someone who seemed like she was on her way to your house just now?"
Jessica.
Victoria laughs, her eyes casting out down the street.
I take off running before I can even think.
Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.
My legs burn up the stored lactic acid immediately, leaving only a throbbing ache as the gravel in the street seems to go on forever. I know I'm generally slow, and now with added hormones and baby weight, I'm even more out of shape. The panic in me is the only thing that propels me forward. It might be the fastest I've ever gone in my life. I won't even stop to breathe.
I see Victoria standing off into the trees, already ahead of me without a moment of effort. There's Jessica's car in an awkward spot on the side of the room with the driver's side door left open. I get closer and I realize the door is actually hanging on by the thread. It looks ripped at the seam.
Victoria stands over something composed of pale limbs, brown hair, and a pink coat. Something lifeless.
I scream when I see her up close.
Jessica's cheeks are blotchy, pale, but bruising underneath the surface. Or maybe she would bruise further if it didn't look like all the blood from within her had been sucked out. Her eyes are open, but there's no movement behind them. No acknowledgment of my presence now. Only a permanent look of abject terror.
I fall again before I reach her. I have to propel myself on all four limbs the rest of the way.
But it seems to be true. The expression of triumph on Victoria's perfect feature. Jessica looks dead.
I won't accept that.
My hands find her chest and I put one on top of the other and I press down harshly. Then again. And again. Just how the day-long seminar of CPR class taught us. I won't stop. The heart needs repeated pressure to bounce back.
I watch Jessica's chest fling forward in the air but then collapse back down after each squeeze. She never moves on her own. I panic more.
"This is kind of pathetic," Victoria comments.
I ignore her, continuing to perform the manual heart palpitations. My arms begin to burn, but it's no issue to keep my friend alive.
"You'll wake up," I tell Jessica.
Victoria chuckles, "Will she now?"
Yes.
This will work.
I scream through my teeth in frustration. My body is on fire.
Finally, my arms collapse. I can't move anymore. I try again, but the burning sensation is too much. All I can do is shake Jessica's shoulders, try to get her to listen.
"No, no, no. NO! Jessica, please," I shake her, sobbing. "Please!"
Victoria laughs, "You were getting a little too comfortable in your routine. You knew I would do this again."
Heat floods my face and I turn to her, screaming, "You said you wouldn't if they came back!"
She smiles, "I couldn't be sure until I saw you. Thank you for making it clear to me now."
I cradle Jessica and try to turn us away from the vampire's stare. But Victoria just smiles at me as I can barely move.
"Oh god, oh god," I mutter. Jessica's face grows paler.
I brush her hair and hold her head on my lap.
"She was quite tasty. But I promise no one else will be single-handedly harmed by me," she laughs. "Except you, when the time is right."
Bile continues to rise in my throat. I clutch Jessica's cold hand and try to will her back to life.
"Why try to wake her up if she'll just become like me when she does?" Victoria asks, feigning innocence.
Because it's better than losing my friend entirely.
"You really should give up-"
I've had it. I've had enough. I don't know if I can do this anymore. I snap.
"GET OUT OF HERE."
Victoria stills for a second but then frowns at me in disappointment.
"Alright. I can sense your protectors are coming now anyway. It's such a shame I won't be able to see your reaction to my plan. No doubt they have just figured it out. But I will savor your crying now as close enough. I wonder what it will be like for you when you realize how stuck you are."
Victoria is gone.
I turn back to my friend. I brush more hair out of Jessica's face. She's so pale and cold now. The rain bounces off her skin. She doesn't make any effort to protect her face from the storm. I try to keep her dry.
"Hey, it's going to be okay now," I tell her.
"Jessica, Jessica…"
I cry.
I don't stop crying until my lungs burn. Only weak gasps come out. I hug her. I press my ear into her chest to listen to a heartbeat, or shallow breathing, or something. Nothing.
The sky begins to explode. The rain hides my tears, but the pain still cripples my heart.
Long and heavy arms circle around me. I know who they belong to without even thinking. Still, I thrash against him, screaming and crying. He lifts me off of the ground and begins to walk away with me.
"Let me go! Let me go!" I yell, almost hitting him to get him to put me back down.
Sam holds onto me tight, trying to pivot my body away from Jessica, but I scream the further away from her we go. I can't even see much with the way the water is streaming down my face.
"Bella," he says into my skin, "there's nothing we can do."
"No!" I cry out. "You're wrong, you're wrong. Help her!"
He tries to rock me back and forth, but I struggle against his heavy arms, refusing to stop. Sam whispers into my hair. I can't hear him. I can't think at all.
"Bitch is long gone," I hear Leah's voice approach. "And her fucking friend left with her."
"With our pack and all those vamps, there's got to be a chance someone was stopped," Sam growls.
His voice takes on the tone when he's strategizing. I've only heard it a few times, but I know it's wrong for this moment. They need to focus on Jessica.
"I don't care, I don't care!" I wail. "Take care of Jessica!"
They don't answer me, but I feel Sam rub circles on my back that I still trash again. Can't he see?
"You left before you noticed, huh?" Leah asks Sam. "Maybe you heard it, but I saw it in the pack link. With what he can do, there wasn't a chance at all."
"Fuck," Sam curses. I feel his arms tighten around me.
I feel his heartbeat from our close contact. It is the only thing that convinces me that I am not stuck in a nightmare realm. But it's too fast, even for him. He's panicking. I know that to be true.
"It's going to be okay, Bella," he murmurs into my ear, rocking me back and forth. He isn't just saying it to me.
Leah stands off to the side, but I can't get a clear image of her. Sam protects me with his whole body.
"Call the police," Sam tells her. "You'll have to say you found the body like this."
"No! That's Jessica!" I scream.
Neither of them listens to me. Sam turns further so I can't look at all without popping my neck out of place. But I need to see my friend, I need to.
"That won't work," Leah says. "She's entirely drained of blood. It's not natural."
"It isn't right to just hide the body, Lee. She doesn't deserve to be a missing person."
Leah growls, "I'm not saying that. We just need a better explanation."
"There wasn't one when the group first came to town and there won't be one now," Sam says. "The police department will just have to accept it."
"Fuck, this isn't good," Leah mutters.
"Please help her," I continue to sob. I can't see anymore.
Leah makes a tsking noise. I know she's trying to think. I don't know how since I can barely do so myself. Jessica's haunted face rings through my mind.
"Alright, let's go," I hear Leah's voice relent. "I'll take Bella back to her house."
Sam doesn't say anything, but his grip tightens, and I yelp. Only then does he relax a millimeter.
"Put her down," Leah orders.
Sam doesn't let go of me.
"Put her down, idiot. I'm not going to bite her, goddamn."
Sam relents and sits me down. I immediately scramble on the ground trying to reach Jessica again, but someone grabs my shoulders to still me. It's Leah. Her wild, dark eyes finally take on a look of somber knowing. I hiccup as I cry.
She kneels in front of me, her lips a thin line.
"I know what it's like, Bella," she whispers to me. "I know what you're feeling. But you helped me after my father and I'll help you here."
"No, no," I mutter, shivering within my rain-soaked jacket and shirt. I cross my arms and try to keep myself steady but it doesn't work. Nothing I've done has worked.
"Sam, look, she's fine. You can go now. I'll be with her."
I watch his expression change, a million emotions I can't describe. Except for defeat.
"Fuck, fine. Walk her back home. I feel the others coming here now."
He kisses my forehead and it just causes me to cry more.
"I'll be back once I deal with this," he tells me, gently as possible. He brushes some of my wet hair behind my ear.
"She isn't a body," I mumble, still swatting at my leaking eyes.
"I know, Bella, I know. I won't leave you tonight, okay?"
I don't know if I manage to nod, but Sam seems to accept whatever acknowledgment is given from me as he walks back to Jessica. I can't look at her anymore. It feels wrong to leave her like this, but the very thought of her now disintegrating makes me sick. I gag and cover my mouth.
Leah's arms wrap around my shoulders and she guides me back to my house. I still cry the entire way. The distance we walk seems both short and long. I barely remember running here now, the only thing I can see in my head is Victoria's cat-like smile and Jessica's pale face. It hurts. Too much.
I've left the door unlocked. That realization causes me to burst into tears again. I don't know why.
Leah follows me up the stairs to my room. I peel off my jacket and jeans, barely feeling the need to cover myself. She watches me crawl into my bed without saying a word. Her expression seems to be as far away as I feel. I know what she feels towards me. It is the same thing I felt towards her with her own father. Pity.
I cradle my belly, trying to feel the happiness of impending motherhood again, but it doesn't help. All I can feel is worry for my child.
Leah finally sighs.
"I'll give you time, but you do need to snap out of it eventually. Because this situation with the leech is getting worse."
"No," I groan, shaking my head. "I can't."
She looks away from me, unable to make eye contact as I continue to cry.
"Sam," I whimper.
I forget Leah's history with him until I see the sadness flicker across her face. Shame sears into my chest, but another part of me, the part that is desperate to be with him, sticks out further. I know Sam might not have been the best person in the past, especially to Leah, but I need him. I need him like I need to breathe.
"He'll come back. I'm going to stay until your dad gets here too."
I keep trying to blink back my tears.
"Thank you," is all I can muster.
Leah leaves and I listen to her heavy footsteps going down the stairs. I squeeze my eyes shut. I try not to imagine Jessica's last moments. But I know the pain of a vampire bite. I felt it with James. I can only hope it was only seconds long for her. She never had a chance.
I don't think I do either.
With Victoria's words and what Sam and Leah were alluding to, something feels wrong. Very, very wrong.
Not for the first time in my life, I become convinced I am destined to die.
A/N: Wow, unexpected hiatus hahahaha. Deepest apologies, y'all. Unfortunately, I hit that part in my degree program where I couldn't push off doing my capstone project any longer so that came first. Sadly because I'm still working on it, I am not certain when the next update will be. I would like to have another by the end of February but I can't make any promises. Don't worry though that my interest in this absolutely has not wavered. I will finish this damn story!