A/N: Hey, thanks for the awesome response. I wasn't sure how well shithead would be received, but I guess not badly.
Just an FYI that this fic is going to be a HEA with ExB, despite a certain beta *cough* Kim *cough* who can't see it. Oh, she of little faith, but hey, if I can get angel Edward and Seer Bella their HEA I can definitely get these two pains in the rear hooked up.
By the way, chapter 1 and 2 are now edited. Thanks, Kimmie. Chapter 3 and this one aren't because the poor chook is feeling under the weather. I'm not horrendous, though. Should be readable ;)
Thanks to Starry8 and Amanda who pre-read.
I'll shut up now. Hope you enjoy.
Hoodwinked
Chapter 4
"I don't think we thought this out very well," Alice admits delicately. I'm guessing Edward told her what happened because she came over in her usual whirlwind of energy. "I mean, if you're convincing everyone you and Edward are together then there's certain ways everyone will expect you to behave. Edward thought the same thing."
"Yeah..." I mumble with a conceding sigh.
"He wasn't attempting to overstep with you, Bella. I mean he's a prick and a total shit stirrer, but I guess he thought that at the Farewell the two of you would be acting like you're legitimately boyfriend and girlfriend and was leading you into it."
I nod and bury my head in my hand to mask my embarrassment. "I know," I reply. "I feel like an idiot. And a kid—exactly what he accused me of being."
"What did he call you? A kid?" Alice asks sounding suddenly irritated. "He's one to talk."
"He kissed me and I completely overreacted," I speak up in his defence, which is bloody poetic.
"You weren't expecting it?" Alice surmises gently as a completely ironic laugh bursts from me.
"I totally wasn't expecting it. I said something about it being sexual assault, and he called me a child and told me to go home."
"God he's an ass!" she mutters, huffing out her further annoyance. "He could at least try to be empathetic."
"I am a kid, though, Alice," I disclose as my skin continues to prickle with mortification. "I can't even pretend to be fooling around with him."
Alice wraps a consoling arm around my shoulder. "It's because Edward's too close. You've known him all your life. Of course, it'd be awkward," she attempts to reassure me.
"He's right, though," I say with another sigh. "Mike broke up with me because of it, and I ended up pissing Edward off, and he's never angry."
"Oh, he gets angry, don't you worry. You just have to catch him and Dad at each other's throats."
I shrug, letting my shoulders drop as a sense of resignation envelops me. "It was a silly idea in the first place."
"Go with Edward to the Farewell and have a good time. After my photo no one will doubt he's with you," Alice says in encouragement.
"You think it'll go unnoticed when we're completely platonic around each other?" I put to her in emphasis. "I don't want to spend the entire night being subject to Jessica Stanley's ridicule."
"Fuck Jessica," Alice snaps hotly. Her phone beeps, and picking it up, she scrolls through it. "Don't let her ruin anything."
"I know, but she gets under my skin," I mutter. I'm ashamed of myself. Ashamed over letting Jessica and Mike bother me to this extent, and over the perpetual jokester next door making me feel like a complete, infantile idiot.
Something I am.
"Well, if you want to throw Edward in her face, as well as Newton's, you're going to have to seriously get it on with him. You know that, right?" she says, glancing up from her phone to add tactfully.
"Yeah, I know," I acknowledge, "but I think Edward's out."
"Yeah, I somehow doubt that..." Alice suddenly alludes, the amusement clearly behind her voice as she returns her attention to her phone.
I tilt my head in confusion, as she holds up the screen in explanation, and just as mine beeps from the far side of my bedroom floor.
Edward tagged me in another post.
I'm sorry, Bella. Make-up sex, baby?
"Oh, god," I murmur as my face bursts into flames. "Alice, my mother will see this."
"Huh? Is she on Facebook?" she enquires.
"No, but she has spies. She saw your photo."
"Oh..." she muses, fighting the obvious urge to snicker. "What did she say?"
"She gave me her sex manual," I relay, cringing from the continued effects of my mother's enthusiasm for my contrived sex life, and in response Alice bursts into laughter.
"Your mother is so cool," she asserts, a wistful sadness in her tone.
I hang my arm affectionately over her shoulder and change the subject. "Shall I reply?"
"Of course," she says as if it went without saying.
After retrieving my phone from where I'd thrown it earlier, I type out a quick reply to Edward's post: Not tonight.
Forgive me? He posts in response along with a sad-face emoji.
I forgive you. Forgive me?
Sure, kid. He replies with a winking emoji, and while Alice laughs, I grumble to myself just barely beneath my breath; typing it as I do.
You're a smart arse.
Along with a laughing emoji, he replies, Get over here and we'll take a make-up selfie.
"Well, come on then," Alice says cheerfully before she hesitates. "But, are you really sure you want to continue this with him?"
It's reassuring to know she has this much faith in me.
"I'll be fine," I promise
"Just remember," she adds, wrapping her arm around my shoulders and leading me out of my bedroom, "you're just acting."
"Just acting..." I echo.
. . .
"You forgot your granny jumper," Edward says with a rueful smirk, holding up my cardigan the moment we walk through the door.
I sigh heavily but in complete resignation. "Thanks."
"So, you over all your anal-retentiveness?" He quirks a brow.
"Shut up, I'm fine," I insist before he grabs my elbow and tugs me toward his room.
"I'm going to call Jas," Alice announces all too conveniently.
I only sigh and allow Edward to pull me into his bedroom.
"So..." he begins, picking up his phone and deleting the pics he'd taken earlier, "why are you so at ease all of a sudden?"
"Alice explained to me how ridiculous I was acting," I admit with a certain degree of humility even as I continue cringing internally.
"Alice explained to you?" he puts to me, that brow of his cocked for added measure.
I nod and half shrug in answer.
"But when I explained it to you, you chucked a hissy."
"That's because Alice can speak to me without mocking me," I point out as he smiles to himself. It suddenly occurs to me that he's pretty bloody ridiculously good looking. "Ugh..." I burst, without even realising it.
"What?" he queries. "You're not going to be a pain in the neck again, are you?" he concludes.
"I said I was fine," I insist.
With all the disastrous photos from earlier deleted, he sits himself beside me on his bed. "Can you handle just mucking around with me?" he asks, almost sounding serious.
"Yes," I answer sarcastically.
"You sure, because I don't want you getting all needy on me again."
I scoff, but I'm unsure whether I have the right to be offended by him. "Well, I don't want to be an inconvenience, or anything."
He rolls his eyes. "You already are."
I shove him. "So are you."
The smirk ghosts on his face this time, before it just as quickly fades. "I just don't want it to complicate shit," he explains.
"...What do you mean?" I ask, confused.
"You're my sister's BFF," he mocks me, quoting with his fingers. "I've known you all my life. It has the potential to turn to shit."
"So, why'd you agree?"
He shrugs. "'Cause I enjoy messing around with you."
"That's how you'll see it."
He appears to contemplate it for a moment, before his gaze fixes on me and half a smile tug on his lips. "Well, yeah."
"Okay."
"Are you going to get all needy, though?" he reiterates, his eyes trained on mine, and this time I hiff in frustration.
"I still don't get your meaning."
"You're not going to get all attached to me, or anything?" he elaborates.
I deliberately roll my eyes. "God, you're up yourself. Despite what you've apparently been told, Edward, you're not that irresistible."
"I am pretty irresistible, though," he jokes, his smile playful this time, and I can only shake my head at how self-assured he is.
"Yeah, sure," I humour him.
"So, hypothetically, if you were really my girlfriend and we were at some fancy event, I'd be doing a lot more to you than that deadshit Newton. Anything less and it won't be convincing. Can you handle that?"
"Yeah," I say wryly.
"I'm serious," he adds, and whether he is or not I'm not sure. "If you start getting all shy and virgin with me all of Alice's photos will mean shit, and if you make a dick out me, I'll be pissed off."
"Virgin?" I protest, whacking him. "I'm sorry I even told you."
He laughs. "I already knew, and see? You're hitting me. That's good."
Expelling my breath in exasperation, I nudge him. "Okay, let's get our make-up selfie over and done with."
"Can I touch you without you freaking out?" he puts to me sceptically.
"Yes!" I over exaggerate it.
"Good," he murmurs, his smirk returning, "we're finally getting somewhere."
We manage to take some pretty goofy, but convincing photos. It involves me sitting on his lap for the most part, but once I learned to relax and not take everything too seriously, I found I almost had fun with him.
Of course, he had to go and ruin it.
"You know," he says huskily, close to my ear as I sit over what I swear is expanding, "that virgin problem of yours? I can help you out there."
"Oh my god!" I burst, shoving him from me.
Laughing easily, he allows himself to fall back against his bed.
"I'm going to Alice's room," I inform him, making a move toward his door.
"Oi," he blurts out, jumping up and grabbing my hand.
"What?" I ask, glancing over my shoulder with a sigh.
"At some point we're going to have to practice how actual couples behave," he explains, the grin tugging on his lips again and giving away the fact that he's having a dig at me.
"Why do we have to practice?" I ask, hating the way he makes me feel so...innocent.
"Because you'll no doubt spazz out, or shove me off you, or something virgin like that."
"Can you not say virgin every bloody two minutes," I demand as my irritation quickly peaks again.
He grins like the smartass he is, but doesn't say anything.
"Just surprise me," I say.
"Surprise you...?" he repeats, obviously weighing it up as he rubs his chin. "Like this?" Without warning, and in one motion, he takes a step closer to me, curls his arms around me and bends down to kiss me.
Without thinking about it, I jerk away from him until I find myself flush against the back of his door.
"Like that...?" he states completely impressed with himself having just proven his point.
I huff, both mortified and frustrated at myself. "Okay, well maybe warn me first."
"Warn you? Hm..." He tilts his head to the side. "Okay, I'm going to kiss you." And exactly like a moment ago, he comes rushing at me, pulling me towards him before I can react.
And when I react, I react badly. I instantly wedge my palms into his chest, forcefully maintaining the distance between us and moving my head to the side to prevent any contact between our lips.
"Jesus..." he mutters, and while he doesn't roll his eyes, I can clearly hear it in his voice.
"Slowly!" I snap. "You're coming at me too fast!"
"Slowly?" he echoes me again, arching his brow. "Slowly like we're a couple of twelve-year-old virgins who've never touched each other before?"
"Stop saying virgin!" I screech. "Seriously, can you help yourself?"
He laughs; it's completely beneath his breath, but enough that it's obviously for my benefit.
"You're an ass," I grumble turning my back on him to open his door, when he puts out both his hands and pushes it closed again.
"Slowly?" he puts to me after I turn back to him. He leaves his palms resting against the door above me, as I subtly cower. "You want me to go slowly?"
"Y-Yeah," I stammer, so unsure of myself that it only increases with width of his amusement.
"You sure?" he asks, leaning closer.
"I'm sure," I slink back further against the door, my hand reaching behind me for the handle.
"Last chance, snotface..." He's so close to me I can feel the heat of his breath wash over my lips, but snotface?
On complete impulse, I knee him in the groin, and he reacts like I electrocuted him. He jerks, a reflexive sound bursting from him as he drops to the floor and clutches his stricken anatomy tightly with both hands.
"Jesus—fuck!" he eventually bursts, groaning loudly; his eyes tightly closed.
I'm not sticking around to find out, though, and opening the door, I escape to Alice's room.
"Do I really want to know?" she asks, glancing up from her phone as she sits in the middle of her bed, relaying her obvious amusement at my expense.
"Edward...might not be talking to me for a while," I confess, my expression deliberately pained.
She chuckles. "What happened this time?"
"I might have..." I begin when Edward suddenly bursts into Alice's room, making me practically jump out of my skin.
"You wanted me to surprise you, so I did, and that didn't work!" He struggles to make his voice audible. "You wanted me to warn you, so I did, and that didn't work, and then you wanted me to go slow, so I bloody did and you fucking took my balls out!"
Behind me Alice starts scoffing back her breath in an obvious effort to stop herself from laughing, while I only gazed at him sheepishly.
"Sorry?" I offer up meekly.
"Sorry," he repeats, laughing humourlessly to himself, and needing to lean up against the frame of the door for support.
"What were you trying to do? Kiss?" Alice asks, and in response Edward snorts.
"I kneed you because you called me snotface," I explain sheepishly as Edward continues to glare at me. "And I... didn't mean to..."
"Seriously, did you do anything with that wanker Newton?" he asks with open exasperation.
"Yes!" I insist affronted, before immediately shaking my head and attempting to walk it back. "And...and—it's none of your bloody business!"
Despite his present predicament, a smirk actually twitches on shithead's lips.
"It's because it's you, Edward," Alice explains as his eyes leave mine to narrow on hers.
"What's that supposed to mean?" he counters, sounding suddenly offended.
"She's known you her entire life, and every single day of her life you've teased her, pulled her hair, put bugs in her clothes, called her snotface"—the asshole actually starts grinning to himself—"tripped her over. I mean, seriously, of course it's going to be awkward for her," Alice attempts to clarify on my behalf.
"Thank you, Alice," I add, relieved at least that someone can articulate what I'm feeling. My message alert tone signals, and in silence thanks, I pull my phone from my pocket. It's my mother. "My mum's calling me for dinner. I have to go."
I move to exit Alice's room but Edward doesn't budge from the doorway, and continues to scowl down at me.
"What? You going to hold me captive as punishment?" I put to him with a small, indiscreet smile.
Expelling his breath brashly, he hooks his elbow around my neck and drags me to him. "Come on, Snow White, I'll walk you out."
"Edward, stop being so rough!" I yell, feeling like I'm going to suffocate against his chest and the sweaty carpenter smell of him that really shouldn't be as appealing as I'm suddenly finding it.
He releases me on the porch, and after straightening out my hair I shove him backward. "Stop bloody manhandling me all the time!"
Naturally he only scoffs and says matter-of-factly, "I don't think you can handle it."
"Handle...what?" I ask, but I know exactly what he's getting at.
He scoffs again but doesn't answer.
"Hi, guys!" My mother suddenly calls out. She's standing on our driveway with an overtly animated expression on her face. "Take your time."
"Ugh..." Sliding both my hands in my back pockets, I hang my head back in further humiliation.
"What's all that about?" Edward asks curiously. "Hey, Mrs Swan," he replies, lifting his chin in greeting and smiling back at her.
"I told her."
He glances back down at me, his forehead bunched. "The lie or the truth?"
"The lie."
"Ahh..." he appears to weigh it up, shoving both his hands in the side pockets of his pants. "Shall I give her proof?" He cocks a self-assured brow at me.
"Don't you dare," I warn him.
"See? This is what I'm getting at. You want me to pretend we're together, but you refuse to do anything with me."
"I'm not refusing!" I insist, keeping my voice hushed, because no doubt my mother is lurking somewhere close by, eavesdropping.
"Bullshit," he says simply. "And you need to apologise to Mr Doobee."
"Mr who? —what?" I utter in disbelief at how immature he is. "You call your...your penis Mr Doobee?"
"My penis?" He breaks into laughter. "Holy shit... You are such a virgin."
"I'm leaving!" I take a step away from him when he immediately pulls me back.
"Close your eyes," he instructs me.
"What? No."
"Just do it," he says, beginning to sound impatient.
"W-why?" I stammer.
"Why do you think?"
"My mother's probably watching," I say in a feeble defence.
"So, let her watch."
"Edward..."
"Snotface..." he imitates me. "Close your bloody eyes."
"Fine," I whisper, and with my heart lodging in my throat, I comply.
I feel his body heat as he comes closer, and then the stubble of his face as it slides over mine. "If you knee me again, I'm going to grab your tits," he murmurs against my ear, his breath rushing from him as he attempts not to laugh.
My eyes fly open and I immediately shove him away from me. "You could have kissed me, but instead you chose to give me shit! This is what I'm talking about—what Alice was talking about!" I'm pissed off and flustered, and I've had enough of being called innocent and virgin for one day.
"Jesus..." he mutters, and in the next moment, he cups both his hands to my face, angles me to him, and before I can react, he presses his lips to mine.
My heart stalls, and for a moment I feel faint. I reach out and grab him, only I'm not sure what to do, or how to respond. He pulls back, only fractionally, and kisses me again, only this time he appears to pause.
"Snotface..." he mumbles against my lips. "Open your mouth." With one of his hands still cupping my cheek he attempts to tug open my bottom lip with his thumb.
"Okay..." he eventually pulls back and says with a short, resigned sigh, while I'm practically swaying and plummeting into the seven circles of Hell. "We'll work on it tomorrow." Placing his palm to my forehead like he usually does, he shoves me backward. "Go home."
I stumble down the single step of the porch, almost losing my foot, and turn around to head in the direction of my house. I don't look back but I can hear the shithead attempting not to outright laugh at me before the sound of his front door opens and then closes behind him.
"I'm in hell," I mutter to myself, dragging my legs forward and wanting to die.
My mother pops out from the side of the house. Apparently in the guise of watering her pot plants.
"So? How was it?" she asks, her face beaming back her obvious pride and excitement. "Do you have pash rash? I have some cream for that."
"Mum." I complain, but I don't have the energy for her. Instead, I walk past her toward the door.
"Is he a good kisser? He looks like a good kisser!" she continues to probe from behind me, encircling her arm around my waist. "My little girl is growing up. Perhaps we should get you on the pill!"
I manage to escape my mother's enthusiasm. Though, I practically have to slam the bathroom door in her face, and just as I'm locking it, my phone pings.
I am a good kisser. You we have to fix. Edward texts, and I want to melt through the floor with the knowledge he was listening.
I know how to kiss! You just surprised me! Is my pitiful attempt to justify my abominably horrendous reaction to him, and of course Edward only responds with laughing emojis.
I'll get you up to scratch. Don't worry, snotface.
A/N: Thanks for reading, and now I'm off to play The Sims. Got me some lush mods.
P.S., this fic now has a banner. It's on my profile made by the awesome Beegurl13 - who made my Vertigo banners. Go have a suss.