DISCLAIMER: I own nothing from the Naruto universe but I do have an imagination of my own. Please review to leave comments and preferences! I will take advice and suggestions from my readers while continuing the story.
Thinking
Emphasis
Biju, etc. speaking
Biju, etc. thinking
"Senpai, you look greasy and you stink."
"Maa, I do need to bathe," Kakashi responded to the Tora-masked ANBU from behind his book, completely unfazed by the first words she had spoken to him since strolling into the room and looking around.
"You need to shower, Senpai. Any bath or onsen would be immediately be contaminated by your filth!"
"That's harsh, Yuges."
"It is what it is. Fortunately, your client does have a shower. Next room over," she pointed behind her.
"I should be able to get up and around any time now." He didn't explain that his chakra coils still felt wonky, leaving him feeling a little weak and more than a little clumsy. "Can you hand me my pack, please?" Kakashi pointed to the pile of bags sitting in the corner.
Yugao grabbed the one she knew to be Kakashi's - it had a small dog's pawprint on it - but did not immediately give it to her former captain. "How do you like having a Genin team, Senpai?"
Kakashi reached out for his bag but only yawned when Yugao held the straps of it over her own head. "Maa, they're Tenzo's. I'm only in the role because of the Sharingan," he said, tapping his cheekbone just below the aforementioned covered eye.
"Yeah, right! Sandaime-sama's been trying to get you to take a Genin team for years; everyone knows that!" Her lips pulled into a smirk, and she decided to let her former captain see it. "So, Senpai," Yugao pulled her mask up, and if Kakashi had been anyone else, he was sure he would've recoiled at seeing that knowing, mischievous look on her face. "It seems our little Jinchuuriki is quite devoted to you."
Kakashi slowly hid behind his book again, but Yugao didn't miss the way the Hatake's visible ear almost immediately turned red. Interesting! Normally, when anyone teased Kakashi about his vast compilation of fangirls - or just any woman, really - he would only get annoyed.
"Shoo," the man said, annoyingly flicking his fingers from behind his smut. Yugao no longer appreciated the way Hatake often treated his comrades like they were one of his ninken. At one point she remembered it being cute, but the more she experienced being treated like a dog, the less she liked it.
"Hmm. She's quite a looker, that one. I would even go so far as to say she's... I don't know... What do you think, senpai?" She really didn't expect him to respond, but maybe just an extra little push. "I'd say she's quite sexy."
"Maa, maa, Yuges: Hayate-san will be broken-hearted. Wait 'til I tell him that you're hot for Naru-chan."
"You ass!" Her eyes suddenly brightened. "Ohhhh, 'Naru-chan,' huh?!"
Kakashi dropped his book and glared at her. "That's what she prefers to be called. 'Naruto' is a weird name anyway."
"So says the scarecrow."
Kakashi nodded sagely. "Now give the scarecrow his pack, or he'll let the crows devour you, Tora."
The door behind them was pushed open all the way unceremoniously. Naruto took in the scene in front of her just as Yugao responded to her husband as she threw his pack at him.
"Devour me, eh? Such a pervert," Yugao remarked, turning around to give Naruto a wink. "I'll be letting Hayate know about your lecherous ways," she added as she headed down the hallway.
Kakashi watched as Naruto's eyes narrowed in obvious irritation. He'd admit it: it was cute, at least until she turned those aggravated eyes on him. He began to sit up more as a blur of orange and yellow-gold seemed to flash in two directions at once. The bedroom door had been closed and he'd been tackled and straddled by his little wife, seemingly at the same time, who was now squeezing the life out of him.
"You're awake," she squeaked. "Are you okay?!" Naruto pulled away from him but was pulled right back into the man.
Kakashi continued to hold Naruto tightly against him, not caring in the least how bad he smelled. I thought I'd lost you. I thought I'd failed again! He pulled his mask down just enough and fully inhaled her scent, rubbing his nose and masked lips along her shoulder and neck. It was only for a few seconds, and not nearly long enough, but he finally pushed her back. One, he was getting a massive hard-on, and two, when he'd woken up he was greeted not by her, but by her clone! What the hell was that about?! "Where did you go, Naruto? What was your clone doing here?"
Naruto reluctantly let go of the back of his hair. "Oh, you know: different things," she said, looking away and scratching the back of her head. She saw that Kakashi was glaring at her and slumped over and onto him, placing her head on his shoulder. She told the truth, "I've got a bunch of henged clones out building the bridge with Tazuna-san and a few of his workers. Most of them are idiots and keep missing the nail and dispel themselves when they're hit with a hammer, so the others have to make new ones. I also have some others working on Tsunami-san's garden, a few in the village to check things out, and then - well, I met up with a couple of people."
Kakashi had pulled her away from him again, although he didn't want to. There was something that hinted at nervousness in her voice when she mentioned "a couple of people." "Naru, what are you up to, you naughty girl?" He enjoyed seeing her face quickly turn pink.
"Nothing! I mean, some of the clones I originally made to form a perimeter seem to have taken it on their own to go look for Gato's place. No worries, they're all henged. Hehe - must've had some of my smarter clones in that bunch. But hey! How are you feeling?"
He growled at her: she was such a troublemaker! "Outside of my coils feeling a little off, I'm absolutely fine." He noticed the way her eyes widened along with the way he could almost smell guilt coming off of her, but there were more important things to discuss here. "What are you thinking, messing with Gato?! And what 'couple of people' did you meet up with?" The soft but dazzling smile she gave him made him think that his earlier concern - at least about whomever she'd met - was mistaken.
"Well, first there was Haku-kun, the Ice guy who kidnapped me with Zabuza-san, then..." Kakashi grabbed her hard around the waist at hearing that, willing himself not to move his hands up to throttle her pretty little neck a bit when he realized his hands were around a cat. "Meow," it said in Naruto's voice, as the cat began squirming.
The door was thrown open and Kakashi paled. There in all his white-haired giant glory was Jiraiya-sama, one of the greatest shinobi and the very greatest author in the Elemental Nations. And Naruto's godfather. "Jiraiya-sama! What are you doing here?" Kakashi hated the way his voice shook a bit when greeting the man he'd known his entire life.
"Oh ho ho! Seeing Jiraiya the Gallant once again is making my number one fan tremble in not only fear but also astonishment at my studly awesomeness." The transformed cat that Kakashi was holding turned and hissed at the older man, breaking the Toad Sage out of his ridiculous and weird pose. Jiraiya picked the cat up by the scruff of its neck and held it in front of his face, scowling at its big blue eyes. "A blonde cat with blue eyes; I've heard about your weird transformations from sensei, Naruto." He proceeded to throw her far out of the window, then closed it, but not before hearing it/her making a weird hissing-but-human cat-howl that somehow also sounded like she was calling the Toad Sage a bastard. He turned toward Kakashi. "That brat's weird." Kakashi nodded dumbly, wondering what else the Sandaime had or had not told his most boisterous student. "Speaking of weird brats, how are you feeling Kakashi-kun? Heard you got your ass handed to ya!"
They were interrupted before Kakashi had a chance to defend himself. "Troublesome. What are you doing here, Jiraiya-sama?" Behind them, Tenzo was clearly having some kind of fit.
"Either the brat: whom, as I've stated in a letter, I appreciate you caring for, Shikaku," he gave the man a quick, barely perceptible bow, "...or one of my own damn summons stole my sacred scroll! You can't imagine the horror!" Jiraiya bounced up and hit his head on the ceiling as he said it, wincing and then cursing about "stupid civilians and their lack of honor toward those truly magnificent and tall."
"What's his problem?" Jiraiya pointed at Tenzo who was childishly pulling at the Jonin Commander's sleeve and shaking his head back and forth while twitching.
"He thinks Naruto's got Mokuton abilities," Shikaku answered with a heavy sigh.
"That's ridiculous. She's never been with Orochimaru, I know that for a fact! No offense, Woodchuck," Jiraiya offered placatively.
"YOU DIDN'T SEE WHAT SHE DID WITH THE GARDEN," Tenzo yelled, obviously in full-freak-out mode. "And I TOLD you, Senpai!" He stammered a bit before getting to the point, "She did some kind of noisy jutsu I didn't see a few days before the mission then a tree grew out of it!"
Shikaku yawned widely while Kakashi began reading behind his book again. Shikaku was the one to respond first. "Hai, Shikamaru said it's not her that does that. Something about the fox." He slumped down across from Kakashi on the floor. "Who knows."
"SHE JUST PUT SEEDS IN THE GROUND AN HOUR AGO AND NOW THE PLANTS ARE ALMOST FULLY GROWN," Tenzo shouted in disbelief.
"Maa, Tenzo. Maybe Naruto-chan just had some really good seeds."
Tenzo began cursing them and making all kinds of weird squeaky noises before stomping down the stairs. As soon as he was out of hearing range, Shikaku shut the door before snickering into his hand.
"So brat, is the wood brat still in love with you?" Jiraiya asked Kakashi cheekily, a giant smile on his perverted face.
Kakashi quirked a silver eyebrow up before replying, "Naturally." His voice was smug. "Why wouldn't he be?"
"Well, you STINK for one! Before you're even out of the shower he'll be completely enamored with me, the great Jiraiya-sama!"
"Why would you even want that?" Shikaku asked in amusement and exasperation.
"Because I'm glorious! Imagine anyone falling for a lesser version of me!" Kakashi gave him a thumbs up, genuinely feeling as though that was a compliment, then grabbed a spare shirt from his pack.
"Don't put that on; you reek! Troublesome. Honestly, what that bitch was doing to you, I can't imagine..." Shikaku shook his head and grabbed the shirt away from the younger man as he folded it before putting it back into his bag. "You'd think that ROOT harpy would at least have cleaned you up. Well," he drawled, "at least she cleaned your wounds, I suppose." He took several minutes to explain to Jiraiya what had happened to Kakashi at the hands of both another supposed Mokuton-wielder along with the rogue Mist nins, and finally at the hands of Danzo's goon. "We're gonna head out later, and the second ANBU team is leaving, too."
Jiraiya was now completely serious. "Send both teams out, Shikaku - and you're needed back in the village anyway. Take your team with you." Jiraiya squatted down between the two men. "If this Mokuton-wielding 'Zetsu' half-man/half-plant fellow plans to make a reappearance, I want to see it for myself. I'll stay - no don't say it! Fuck sensei!" He wasn't moved by the way the other men's faces twisted up in either distaste or fear: he didn't care. "Sensei will want intelligence, too - and I've got a boatload of it." Thanks to Naruto... He pulled out a pipe and eventually lit the tobacco. I still need to talk to Junior Nara, though. "The Akatsuki. They're after the Bijuu and want to combine their nine powers into something no one living has ever seen." The three men sat in silence, each pondering what sheer hell such a plan would produce.
"Do you have any information on the masked man?" Kakashi asked darkly, remembering that several years ago, it had been reported to all Jonin that that was the man responsible for the deaths of his sensei and his wife.
Jiraiya shook his head. He'd gotten fairly close to the man he knew now was a rogue Uchiha, but the man had a transportation technique that took him to who-knows-where. The only thing he knew was that the man had an annoyingly goofy voice and had been playing with him. He now knew from Naruto that the voice was only a ruse, although she only remembered hearing his actual voice once when he came to talk to - and perhaps take her - before the war she had been in. Kakashi and Tenzo rescued her from him, she said. He felt a wave of gratitude go through him as he remembered that part of their conversation. Maybe I'll give Wood Brat a break. Then his mind turned to what she'd told him about Orochimaru and the younger Uchiha, and he felt fire rage even more brightly in his veins.
Shikaku clucked at the man who was now leaking Killer Intent. "Don't scare the civvies, Jiraiya-sama," he scolded. "I fuckin' hate him for taking my friend, our Hokage, away from us, too," he continued while scratching under his nose. He cleared his throat and willed himself to go forward. I really want to get that masked a-hole, too. "Naruto doesn't understand the two seals on the ROOT nin, and I swear if she spends much more time with her, Naru's gonna kill her before we get any intelligence out of her."
Jiraiya looked disbelievingly at that. "My brat knows fuuinjutsu?" He looked at both men who only gave him knowing singular nods. "Does sensei or his council full of morons know it? The Elders?"
Shikaku spoke for both of them. "We don't think so, no."
"Naruto believes that she's at an intermediate level, but she's done some things that in my lifetime, I've only seen sensei do," Kakashi offered. Although she did it as a prank...
"Well let's go see. You go take a shower before you kill someone, Kakashi-kun, and I'll debrief 'Troublesome' here before I toss his ass out of Wave. Say goodbye Troublesome," Jiraiya was already herding the Jonin Commander down the stairs.
Kakashi smirked on hearing the man say "Troublesome" again as someone fell or was thrown down the stairs. From the cursing, it sounded like Jiraiya-sama. He grabbed his pack to take to the bathroom in the next room over, but stopped and looked out the window to see what his team was doing.
Uchiha was water-walking or rather jumping around on the water while Tenzo was slowly attacking him with wooden spikes. Sai, he guessed, was probably off with Tazuna-san building the bridge with Naruto's clones, while the blonde herself was flying around facing off against her clones. He looked closer before finally opening up the window: it looked like she was emitting some kind of glow around her. He was taken aback when he pulled up his headband to really see what she was doing. "You've been holding back on us, have you, sweetheart?"
Nintaijutsu. Who knew his little wife could use wind chakra to enhance her taijutsu? She hadn't told him, and for some reason, it bothered him. Climbing into the shower, he voiced a thought that disturbed him. "I'll have to punish her." He turned the water to cold as he imagined what he could do to her to teach her a lesson. I really am turning into a horrible pervert, he lamented.
Obito wondered if having another Uchiha - especially Uchiha Itachi, as strong as he was - was still really worth having in his organization.
His younger distant cousin had gone fully psychotic, he thought. Although Itachi's disposition remained as cool as ever, had had actually put fucking Pein in the Tsukuyomi. That was right before the rogue Leaf nin traveled to burn almost half the water-born White Zetsu away with his fucking Amaterasu. Obito was so pissed about that, yet also so happy that he'd put that god-complexed redheaded fucker in his place! Before stopping him from disposing of all the White Zetsu, he'd nearly been black-flamed out, himself.
"I told you not to touch Sasuke," Itachi said simply while both White and Black Zetsu howled and wailed. Itachi then sank the original White Zetsu into Tsukuyomi, too. Black Zetsu lost his shit and Obito moved between them.
"'Tachi! Be a good boy like Tobi," he said in his silly voice. Kami, I hate myself right now. He let out a shower of rather insane but wholehearted giggles. "Zetsus! Naughty, naughty: you shouldn't be mean to Itachi-senpai's otouto!" Black Zetsu looked furious but sank into the ground with his twitching unconscious white counterpart, leaving Obito to deal with his way-too-overpowered relative.
Nah, I'm outta here, Obito thought, transporting himself to Ame to watch Nagato twitch in his Tsukiyome'd hallucinations and, hopefully, piss himself, too!