DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything from the Naruto universe.

Thinking (+ flashbacks, etc.)

Emphasis

Bijuu, etc. speaking

Bijuu, etc. thinking

"Come on out, Konan-chan. You should say hello to your old sensei, ne?" A howl of wind flew by, giving Jiraiya the creeps before pieces of origami floated or flew down elegantly to form a clone of his former Ame student in the tree directly above him. "May I ask why you didn't let me prepare for your little visit in advance? I would've found a better place for us to meet." Jiraiya winked at her after flipping his ANBU mask to the top of his head.

Konan had the good grace to look a little sheepish. "Hello sensei; it's... good to see that you're alright." Konan had seen the man recently for the first time in decades and may have helped him escape her best friend and village leader, although she'd certainly never admit that.

"I would say that it's always good to see my favorite student," Jiraiya said before whispering loud and foolishly, 'and it really is." He purposely puffed his chest out at seeing her blush and shake her head at him. I've always had a way with the ladies. "The thing is, not even Lady Angel is allowed to interfere in these exams." He feared that she and her organization were here for Naruto, but information was his game, and Konan seemed likely to spill. "Your Genin will all be disqualified if they find out you're here, Angel-sama."

"But I'm not really here at all, am I?" she asked and smiled gently down at her former teacher. It was nice to banter with someone that didn't have issues. "And as long as my beloved Genin make it out of the exam alive and intact, the real me certainly won't make an appearance."

"As if you could fool Jiraiya the Gallant! I knew you were a clone this entire time!" He kept a cheerful attitude but gave her a bit of a scolding. "You need to be careful. The leader of another village infiltrating the Leaf could be seen as an act of war."

"Oh, but I'm not the leader of Ame, sensei."

"Indeed," Jiraiya said, souring at the reminder that the Ame leader was his former red-haired student who had a few screws loose aaaaand was way too overpowered with his Sage eyes to boot. "Why are you here, Konan?" The paper user quickly looked around the area, and Jiraiya could see that she was trying to decide if she should be honest. She did the same thing when she'd been a little girl.

After taking a deep breath, in a serious, darker voice she said, "I seek a traitor to our noble cause."

Minutes later, they both felt the chakra pulse.

Naruto reminded herself that shinobi battles usually ended in a matter of minutes or even seconds, but how long had they been fighting? Was there really no one that would come and help? Or was this battle simply so terrifying that she had lost track of time?

Her entire team and Karin were drenched with mud, and Naruto had a thick layer of snake guts underneath that. She had been swallowed by a giant snake again, substituting with Sai at the last second since she knew how to get out of there. She now knew that the pedophile had been playing with her former team as if they were mere ants in her last lifetime. Just like the way she'd never managed to defeat Jiraiya, it looked like trying to land hits on the Snake would be similar.

Everything became two times more arduous when that weird Sound team arrived to aid their master. The Konoha teams had planned for them, but the bandaged Dosu guy was furious with her for breaking more of his face before the written test and had a couple of frightening jutsus. Naruto was unsure of how he'd managed to blast her earplug out, but he did and now she was bleeding from that ear. It hurt like a bitch, was making her dizzy and throwing her aim way off! She could only be glad that Sai stabbed that guy in the gut before slitting his throat.

Karin needed to stop screaming and just stay hidden! Her screams were killing her, and that Zaku guy was still doing weird sound shit with his arms! "Karin, I swear to GOD if you don't shut up I'll substitute with you!"

The traitor just kept spewing out mud clones, giant summoning snakes, and gates while laughing his heads off. Yeah, they'd managed to kill a few of Orochimaru's bodies, and she'd sicked Gamabunta on his ass, but Bunta wasn't as good with super quick targets as he'd been with Shukaku and apparently Kurama years back. She could hear the toad's chief screaming at Manda even now as the two summons destroyed parts of the Forest.

Naruto and Sasuke had one successful combined wind and fire attack, which made Orochimaru regurgitate another body. That was indescribably disgusting. Sai had cut into at least two elongated necks the sick fuck reached out with, then pulled back to barf out yet another Orochimaru. Again, it all elicited delirious laughter from the snake once he was re-formed.

Her teammates were already exhausted. Naruto wasn't sure what happened, but Sai was now using his sword with only one hand for the most part. His ink jutsu was no match for the snake or those sound wave attacks. Orochimaru seemed to know about his weird jutsu and was prepared: water and mud did Sai's specialty in. Fortunately, the ROOT nin was excellent with his tanto and had very good taijutsu skills. His battle was focused on the Sound kunoichi now. It didn't take long...

Yep: she dead. Bloody hell!

No one had come to their aid in her first lifetime, so maybe this was just part of the test? Except for you, you fuckin' psycho! Naruto threw another chakra-infused punch at Orochimaru and was awarded by him flying backward and through at least three trees. Him this time! The actual him! She'd finally hit him, dead on!

After a few moments, he walked back toward them, chuckling darkly as he adjusted his jaw. It looked like his eyeball was about to fall out. "Where is Tsunade-hime? Is she in the village?" Naruto was so surprised by the question she didn't sense that he or his clone moved from underground and had her by the throat against the tree. "Tell me!" His fingers lit up and she kicked him as hard as she could. She was not going to be cut off by Kurama this time!

Orochimaru spun backward and was on his feet before tumbling through any more trees but wasn't laughing now. He un-swallowed - the only way she could think to describe it - an incredibly large scroll while she and Sasuke were kept away from him by the last Sound guy (Zaku?) and Orochimaru's clones as he laid the scroll out. Naruto could've kissed Sasuke when he managed to jump on Zaku and put a kunai into the back of his head, but then Sasuke fell to the ground; he was laying there, alive but panting hard.

And that's when Orochimaru struck - or tried to. Was going after her a ruse all along? Naruto substituted with Sasuke as her hands filled with Rasengans. Flesh went flying everywhere and just kept driving down on her! She was finally almost choking on it and mud, wishing she had a mask.

Another toad - oh Kami thank you! - plunged down and rocked the area. "Gamaken? Ero-sennin!" she gasped.

"Orochimaru, you should not have come. I told you that if you turned traitor and ever hurt the village, I would kill you," the Sage said darkly. "Do you know who you've attacked today?" Jiraiya chuckled but there was no mirth to it. "You fucked with the wrong kid, my friend. Naruto! GO!"

Naruto wanted to help! But Sai was - well, she guessed he was battered and bruised if not worse - and like her and Sasuke, was covered in too much filth to know. Sasuke was out cold, so she grabbed him and tossed him over her shoulder. Her ear was finally healing - "thank you Kurama" - and she tugged on Sai's arm to help him stand.

And that's when Karin stabbed her in the back.

Literally.

"Little liar," she said venomously into Naruto's bad ear after she fell. "Orochimaru-sama warned me about a fake Uzumaki." The kunai was pulled down further into her back.

Naruto's eyes filled with tears as she laid on the forest floor. How could she have been so naive? Karin was already with Orochimaru by the age they were now! As darkness overtook her, she coughed up blood and saw Karin get slammed by an unknown kunoichi so hard that she feared her distant cousin wouldn't survive.

She woke up very slowly knowing that she was drugged.

It was hard to even move her eyelids, and her back and shoulder were mind-bogglingly painful. Isn't this where the Bastard put the Chidori through me? Just the other way through? Yeah, Sasuke had put the Chidori through her chest and it went through her back in her last life. This pain was worse in her back now, but her chest still hurt. Plus she was all bound up in thick bandages.

"Naruto," Kurama said softly.

"Don't fucking talk to me! If we'd pulled off your seal none of this other shit would've happened!"

She forced her eyes open and blinked twice, noting that she was in the same room with Sai and Sasuke. They seemed to be discussing what had happened. Her head was bandaged - my ear? - and she tried to take it off, but cried out pathetically when she attempted to move her arm.

"Don't move you brat! For fuck's sake, Naruto!"

"Baa-chan?" It was hard to talk; hard to think!

The woman growled. "Don't call me that. Good Lord, Naruto... Wh- why..." to Naruto, it sounded like Tsunade was crying, but that was impossible. She felt a woman's hand gently cupping her cheek, then sensed more than saw Kakashi beside her... felt his gloved hands on hers, then was out again.

The next time she woke up, Naruto knew that she was much improved. She couldn't move her neck much as that stab wound was so close to her spine and shoulder. She focused and saw that Sasuke had something black on his cheek and Sai was sitting across from her, an artist's notebook in his hand as she blinked her eyes. I swear if he's drawing a picture of me, I'll kick his lily-white ass.

Later. I'll do it later.

"You are awake."

"Yeah. What - what's... Your face," Naruto said, a smile creeping up her own face through the pain as she tried to figure out whether or not she was dreaming. Sai's face had a decorated beard and mustache on it, and his thin eyebrows were covered with what looked like a marker, too. "You uhh, got a little somethin'" Naruto began, only able to move her fingers a little as she tried to describe what she was seeing.

"Tenzo-sensei said that if I was going to draw on my teammates, that our bonds as a team would be strengthened if I applied marker to myself, as well." Sai went back to drawing as if nothing was wrong.

He looked pretty good with a beard and mustache, Naruto thought. "Ya look a little evil, but that's alright." She groaned and tried to clear her throat before looking around for water. It took another five minutes or so for Naruto to put together what he'd really said. "Did you put something on my face? And where is sensei?" And where is our captain?

"Jonin meeting. What happened in the forest is now an A-classed secret," Sai said, making Naruto want to roll her eyes.

"Giant toads and snakes won't clue anyone in? And did you get the scrolls off me? Did we pass?"

"Hai. We tied as the fourth group back to the Tower. Team 10 retrieved and aided us."

Thank you, Shikamaru, Naruto thought earnestly as she relaxed, sinking into the pillows behind her. She tried to think of gifts for him and his team for quite some time. When she finally recalled what had happened, she feared that Orochimaru got away, and... Oh no! "Which other teams made it through?"

"The Sand team finished first, followed by the teams from Taki and Iwa. Are you hurt? Should I call a nurse?"

Naruto had begun to softly cry when she heard that Gaara's team and Fu were presumably safe and at least here. She assumed that she was in the Tower, as they were definitely not in a hospital room. "I'm okay. It hurts, but... Gomen!" Naruto sniffled pathetically as her eyes darted around looking for tissues. There weren't any.

Sai nodded at her and continued. "Gai-sensei's team is also here. More Genin have probably arrived since I was last informed. We are being guarded by ANBU. You may have noticed that we're in a centrally located, windowless room."

"I... didn't," Naruto admitted. It was hard to breathe and she needed to cough. "Can you get someone? Something's," she began before coughing up some blood. "Shit."

"Who are you?" Naruto asked the ebony-haired pale kunoichi sitting on her bed. The med-nin almost looked like an Uchiha, and it was a little alarming.

"You know who I am brat," Tsunade said in just over a whisper as she finished doing whatever she was doing to Naruto's chest. "Not a word from you! Pervert sealed this henge on me, yada, yada. You've been through hell again, gaki. Are you just asking for it?!" The Slug Sannin's voice was rising and she was hissing.

"Do umm... we know each other?" Naruto was awake enough to know that her grandma-figure knew her well in her first life. But now?

"You are such an idiot, Naruto." Tsunade almost laughed but it sounded pained.

Naruto was unfortunately still heavily drugged and trying to put pieces together. She gasped, taking in a huge breath but began choking again. Tsunade knocked her in the forehead - which sucked; Baa-chan's (it had to be her,) bedside manners were really crap - then began healing her again. Or diagnosing: honestly, Naruto had no idea of what she was doing. She only knew that she made her feel better. Head pounding, she remembered Sakura working on her in her first life.

Sakura was a great medic and known as the Second Coming of Tsunade, but when Sakura healed her it always hurt. Tsunade Baa-chan's healing felt soft. Apparently, she said so because she heard Tsunade scoff and then chuckle at her.

"Arranged marriage?" Tsunade whispered as she sat back on the bed and stared at her.

Naruto stiffened, eyes wide, and nearly came off the bed, she freaked out so hard. Tsunade made a jeering sound again, but couldn't say more because Sasuke was coming out of the bathroom, a towel around his waist and another in his hand.

"We bathed you," Tsunade said, making Naruto blush up to her roots. Tsunade shook her head but was looking over her with a sad, weird look on her face. It was almost like she was mourning.

"Are you okay? Is Ero-sennin okay?" she asked the former and hopefully future Godaime. The woman nodded back at her and wiped her eyes. "How long until the preliminaries?"

"Who says there are any?" Tsunade asked as her stare turned hard at the younger blonde. "And who says you're competing?"

"I say so!"

"Shut it, Dobe. You're too loud and my ear's still healing," Sasuke said, gingerly touching his ear. Tsunade called him a baby under her breath, but Naruto was more interested in what was on Sasuke's face. His whole left cheek had a big sagging blob on it, and it looked nasty. It almost looked like the drawing had little hairs and warts on it.

And oh yeah! What did Sai draw on her? Bastard better not have drawn something like Sasuke has. Naruto sulked as she considered that Sai looked all cool and dangerous with his painted face, but that she and the Bastard probably got something lame. That was when Sasuke started looking for his headband and clothes. He bent over and twisted his hair up in the towel like a girl, Naruto thought - and there it was.

Tsunade squeezed her hand especially hard and just shook her head as she quickly looked away. The tightness of that squeeze was enough to keep Naruto from laughing but OH MY GODS! Sai had drawn a dick on Sasuke's forehead. The "thing" on his cheek was a ballsack that was attached at his temple. Great artist that Sai was, he somehow made a happy face on the head of the penis that looked like it was turned sideways and looking at you.

"Aren't you going to get dressed?" Sasuke asked. "The prelims are in 30 minutes."

"WHAT?" Naruto squawked too loud. Sasuke sloppily launched a shuriken toward her then pulled it out of the wall as he rubbed his ear again before getting dressed in the bathroom and leaving. Tsunade wasn't thrilled about it, but she helped Naruto dress so that she could watch her comrade's matches.

At least that's what she told her. Naruto was going downstairs to compete and win, whether she was hurt or not.

A/N: I'm sorry I'm not better at writing fight scenes. I really am trying to get better at it!