A/N: Ugh. This was hard to write because of the little flashback scene coming up…obviously we know Mac and Webb will be…intimate…but EGAD! Even keeping it fairly lacking in detail, well, I think I wanna vomit too.

Trust

Chapter 15: It Happened One Night

Harm stood outside of Mac's bathroom door, dismayed that she'd managed to shut and lock it before she lost her supper in the toilet. She was still losing it and he was about to kick the door in when reason prevailed. Instead of using brute force, he took apart his pen so he could fit the whole tip of the inner part into the hole in the doorknob. The lock gave way, and he pushed open the door just in time to see Mac slumping back from the toilet. She leaned back against her tub, resting her forehead on one hand while she wrapped her other arm around her knees. "I thought I locked that," she murmured hoarsely.

"You did…but I…"

"I'm okay, Harm."

"I don't think so, Mac." He grabbed a washcloth from a drawer and wetted it, squeezing out the excess water before he placed it on the back of her neck. "Let me grab you a glass of water and then I'll help you to bed, okay?"

She made a small motion with the hand that covered her face which he took as agreement on her part, then stood and filled the glass on her sink with cold water. "Here you go."

"Thanks." She took a couple of sips, then set it on the side of the tub.

"You should drink a little more, hon."

"I don't…okay." She reached for her glass, but her shaking hand accidentally knocked it into the tub. Harm moved to retrieve it, but Mac suddenly cried out, startling him, just before she broke into heart-rending sobs. Harm didn't even think about it; he just wrapped his arms around her and drew her nearer. She wept into his shoulder while he whispered calming words into her hair, his heart breaking when he heard her broken words…

"Why…why won't…he w-won't l-let m-me b-be. I-I thought h-h-he w-would. He h-hated the b-b-baby. Why…why did he h-h-have to t-tell his—his m-m-other?"

"I don't know, Mac."

"N-Now she w-won't let me be either."

"Then tell her the truth, Mac. Tell her about the miscarriage. Tell her there is no baby."

"There's no baby because I killed him."

"Mac…"

"I killed him, and they still won't let me be."

"I didn't really kill my baby, Harm."

Mac had finally calmed but she insisted he bring her back out to the living room. He knew she just meant for him to walk beside her, but instead, he picked her up and carried her back to the couch. She was so tense now, tenser than had been before he started to rub her neck, and to his relief, she let him resume his earlier ministrations. He'd been silently massaging out the kinks in her shoulders for about five minutes when she finally spoke.

"Oh, Mac…I know."

"I've been talking about this with my therapist…she's really good…but I-I'm still strug—struggling with it."

"I'm sorry, Mac. About everything."

"Thanks, but none of this…"

Is my fault, I know, Mac. But a lot of it is…if I hadn't…

Mac interrupted his self-recriminations by shrugging off his hands. "I think that's good, Harm. Thank you. You should head home and go to bed."

"You sure? You still have some pretty good knots in there."

"Yeah…you could do this all night and I'd still be tense."

"Well, I can keep going, Mac."

"Nah." She surprised him by putting her hand on his leg, using it for leverage to lift herself up to sit next to him. "I'm okay."

Neither of them said anything for a few moments, until Harm couldn't hold back anymore.

"Do you want to talk about it? About…well…tonight?"

Mac rubbed at her forehead. "Harm…"

"Mac…no pressure. I just want you to know I'm here for you."

"I know, Harm. I appreciate it. Now, you should go home and go to bed and I should hit the hay too."

"Yeah, you're right." Harm stood up and tried to stretch out the kinks in his own neck and shoulders. "Will you be able to sleep, Mac?"

"Yeah…I think…"

"I could make you some of that sleepy tea you like." Harm gazed at her hopefully while Mac gave him a small smile.

"You know I can do that myself, Harm."

"Yeah, but I want to…besides, you told me you like mine better." He gave her his best flyboy grin, praying she'd at least let him do this for her but was completely prepared for her to say no and kick him out.

"Okay, fine, Harm. Make me some tea."

"Really?!" Harm sounded a bit overly incredulous, but he supposed he actually was quite incredulous.

Mac chuckled softly. "Really, Harm. Please make me some sleepy tea."

"You got it!"

Harm left Mac sitting on her couch while he went into her kitchen and gathered up what he needed. Her pantry and refrigerator were once again well-stocked to his relief; he hated to think she wasn't eating well on her own. She was still a bit thin, but she looked healthier than she had in the weeks leading up to her miscarriage. With a smile, he went about preparing tea for both of them, and a few minutes later, he carried two steaming mugs. Mac accepted hers with a sweet smile and a quiet thank you, and he couldn't stop his mouth from stretching into a broad grin.

"You're welcome, Mac."

The two of them sipped their tea quietly, Harm doing his best to not stall while drinking his. He didn't want to overstay his welcome. In fact, he'd made a point of not doing that for the last few weeks. He didn't want to overwhelm her, sensing he should continue to approach her delicately as he slowly worked to rebuild their friendship.

All too soon, he took his last swallow and set his mug down. He knew he should take his leave immediately, but he still felt the need to make some conversation.

"So, new couch, huh?"

He wasn't prepared for her to suddenly drop her cup, spilling it all over her lap and new couch. He estimated her mug was only about a quarter full, and it had to have cooled at least to the point of not scalding her, but he felt terrible for startling her.

"God, Mac. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."

"You didn't," she said shortly.

"But…"

"I'm going to go get something to clean this up," she interrupted and abruptly stood. Harm caught her arm.

"Let me, Mac. I'm the one who—"

"Dammit, Harm! You didn't startle me…I just…I don't want to talk about the couch."

"Okay, Mac. Okay." He noticed her eyes had filled with tears and she was blushing furiously.

"It's none of your business," she continued.

"No, it isn't. I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to upset you." Old Harm would have snapped at her and walked out, but he was more mature now than that, though he still wasn't sure what he should do. "I'll just go get a towel," he said lamely. He turned toward Mac's kitchen.

"The old couch just had to go."

Harm tentatively turned back to her. "Okay…"

"I wanted to change things from when…"

From when Webb was here, Mac?

"I mean, that's where Webb and I…"

Oh, Mac, I don't want to hear about you and Webb…together, he thought to himself, but he certainly wasn't going to walk away from her now. However, she shouldn't feel like she had to tell him this. "Mac, you don't have to…"

"The first time we…"

Harm realized then that she really wasn't even talking to him. She was off in her own little world, remembering things he knew she would prefer to forget.

"On that couch…I didn't plan it…but it just happened…"

Oh, Mac…

"And that's where I'm sure I con…"

Oh.

"Where I conceived…"

Suddenly she seemed to remember where she was and whom she was with. "Oh my god, Harm…I'm sorry. I'm sorry…I can't believe…I'm just tired…I need to go to bed…bye, Harm. Lock up, please? Oh, do you have a key…of course, you have a key…you cleaned…goodnight." With that, she turned on her heel and hurried down the hall, leaving a stunned Harm behind her. It took him several heartbeats to get himself moving to clean up the spilled tea. After throwing the towel back in the kitchen, he put on his jacket and turned to leave, now utterly relieved she had replaced the old couch. The idea of her and Webb together on it made him want to vomit.

With a long, shuddering sigh, he left her apartment, locking the door behind him, and then went back to his apartment to face a sleepless night. He couldn't stop thinking about his evening with Mac. It was obvious she still carried so much pain, and now with the prospect of another confrontation with the Webbs, he knew she had to be in agony. He also knew she was as close to hating Webb as she ever could be, and he was worried how she would react if she had to talk to that bastard again. Throw the spook's mother into the mix, and, well…it would be the stuff of nightmares.

Harm turned over in bed and punched his pillow.

Damn Webb's mother, and damn Webb all the way to hell. Harm knew he wasn't just close to hating Webb. He hated the man with his entire being.

Mac stared up at her bedroom ceiling, not doing anything to stop the tears that fell toward her ears. She was so embarrassed. She couldn't believe she'd just told Harm she had first slept with Webb on the old couch, and then she made it worse by telling him that's where she had conceived her baby.

What were you thinking?! she admonished herself. Yes, what was she thinking?

If she had any close female friends, maybe she would have confided in them about this, but Harm? Yes, they'd been close once upon a time, but even back in the day she wouldn't have talked about her sex life with him.

And now, they were most definitely not close, though she sensed he was trying. She would have liked to have said that she appreciated it, but, well…she didn't…because it was making her let her guard down around him again and she knew where that always led…

When he'd asked her if she wanted to talk about what happened tonight, the urge to tell him was so strong. It took everything she had to not unload it all right then. And then she'd gone ahead and unloaded just about the worst thing she could.

Stupid, stupid, stupid…

Mac rolled over and punched her pillow. She was stupid for ever trusting Harm, and a complete moron for ever trusting Webb. She was one hundred percent confident she would never trust Webb again, but Harm…

Harm, she didn't want to trust. She'd been down this path before. Then again, when she thought about it, she didn't really care to trust or confide in anybody. She hadn't even told Harriet about her miscarriage, though she suspected the woman had an inkling. Mac was friendly with Harriet now, but after those weeks post-Paraguay, when Mac had been essentially shunned by the JAG staff over what had gone down with Harm, she couldn't bring herself to fully let the younger woman in. Mac told herself that was in part due to the difference in their ranks, but with Harriet now basically out of the Navy, that reasoning didn't exactly hold. Nor did that reasoning hold when Mac considered how close they'd been prior to her trip to that South American hell.

Oh, well…she thought to herself. At least they were close enough for Harriet to still bring the kids by. She didn't know what she would do if she couldn't see Little AJ.

Come to think of it though, she had only seen AJ once since the miscarriage. It wasn't that Harriet hadn't tried…

Oh, shit.

She really needed to reach out to Harriet and Bud. She should probably accept an invitation to lunch now and again too. Bud had asked her a few times over the past couple of weeks, but she'd begged off, telling him she needed to get home and "rest." He was obviously concerned, but he didn't ask what had caused her to miss two weeks of work and then only work half days for the next two.

God, she needed to stop thinking. She needed sleep. Work was going to be a bear tomorrow with the new case, and she couldn't afford to just lie here, tossing and turning.

Unfortunately for Mac, she did, in fact, spend the night tossing and turning, because as soon as she tried to shut her mind down, it betrayed her with thoughts of her old couch, and of course, Webb…

Flashback

She was finally home. Defending the SecNav had not been one of her more favorite activities; she found Sheffield to be an arrogant ass in general, and with the disappearance of Little AJ, everything was just made that much more difficult. Thank God AJ had been found; Mac had actually gone back to her hotel room and sobbed in relief when she'd heard the news, but even her and Harm's relief over little AJ couldn't make their interactions more pleasant. She'd made it a point to mention Webb's name often, more to irritate Harm than to actually make him jealous, and it embarrassed her. After all, she was the one who said 'never' and despite her distaste for her current task, she was relieved to get a break from Clay.

Clay had really been trying to make an effort not to drink as much, which she appreciated, but she'd found a couple of bottles of Cana stashed in her apartment a few days before leaving for The Hague. Apparently, he couldn't control himself completely, and though she tried, she couldn't stop her resentment from boiling up just as completely. She grew snappish with him and was relieved when this assignment came up so she wouldn't ruin their budding relationship.

Their relationship…

By any definition, they were dating. He took her out in the evenings, invited her to his apartment for gourmet dinners, and in general, wooed her.

And she was letting him…

It felt good to be with Clay. She enjoyed his kisses now that he kept his drinking largely out of her apartment and kept any other drinking to a minimum when she was at his place, and having his hands on her was awakening feelings she didn't know she still had in her.

But then she'd found the bottles…

Mac surmised that whenever he'd spend the night with her, he must be getting up a time or two for a little "nip." She should have known. Though they hadn't crossed the line into a sexual relationship, he often slept in her bed at night, spooned up against her body, and it made her feel good. Yes, he woke her every time he got up to "use the bathroom," and yes, she was starting get concerned about his prostate gland, but no matter. It made her feel safe and not so alone when he was there. Now that she realized he needed a few sips of that awful liquor to get him through the night, she felt betrayed.

She really should end it with him.

But she didn't want to.

She didn't think she was in love with him yet, but she might be…and she had to admit it felt…well, it felt wonderful.

She just needed a little break…

Once Mac showered and had her things unpacked, she felt restless. She thought about calling, Clay, but then decided it would be better if she had a good night's sleep first. Maybe she could go over to the Roberts' house…no, they were probably still dealing with the effects of AJ's disappearance. Maybe she should just order in and watch a movie…yeah, that sounded like a plan.

Once Mac had her food ordered, she flipped through her collection of movies, finally settling on an old Cary Grant film, and put it in the player. While the opening credits rolled, she got out some sparkling water and flopped on her couch. She sank into the cushions, reminded once again of how comfortable her couch was, and prepared herself for a relaxing evening. She sighed in contentment.

She really loved this couch. It had actually been on clearance and she'd had no idea why someone hadn't snapped it up. It was tasteful, comfortable, and perfect for her apartment. The day it was delivered, she'd actually fallen asleep on it for most of the night. If her bed hadn't been as comfortable as it was, she would have just slept out on the couch every night.

Mac was surprised when a knock sounded at her door twenty minutes later. Apparently, the restaurant she'd ordered from was working very efficiently tonight. She grabbed the cash she'd pulled out for the delivery man, and pulled open the door.

"If I'd known you were coming over, Clay, I would have ordered something for you too." Mac handed Clay a bottle of water and sat next to him on the couch.

"That's okay, Sar—"

Mac jumped up. "You know, they sounded busy…I bet they haven't even finished making my food. I could probably have them add something on for you." She reached for her phone.

"Relax, Sarah. I'm not that hungry. Besides, I bet you ordered from that Thai place. You know I don't care for that."

"Yeah," Mac murmured, sitting back down. "I did."

"Hmmmm, I know you so well, sweetheart, don't I…" Clay wrapped an arm around her shoulders and nuzzled her cheek. "Mmmmm, you always smell so good, Sarah." He nuzzled her again before kissing the rim of her ear, working his way down until he could pull the lobe in between his teeth.

"Clay…my food will be here…hmmmmm…soon," Mac murmured several minutes later. Clay's lips had just found the sensitive spot where her jaw met the delicate skin of her neck and Mac turned her body toward his, intent on returning his fervent kisses, when another knock at her door caused them to jump apart.

"That'll be my food, Clay." She started to rise but Clay pulled her back.

"One more kiss, ma cherie."

"Clay!" she giggled before he gave her a quick peck on the lips. He moved in for more, but she leapt away with another giggle. The delivery person knocked again, and as Mac walked away, she looked over her shoulder at the man smiling at her from her couch. "I'm really glad you're here, Clay."

Clay's grin widened. "So am I, Sarah. So am I."

Two hours later

Mac and Clay sat cuddling on the couch, watching the end credits roll. They hadn't really been paid much attention to the movie, more interested in talking and kissing than anything else. Mac hadn't even eaten much of her dinner; Clay had a way of distracting her. She finally gave up and put the rest in the refrigerator. It felt good to have someone touch her. She found she craved human contact. Not the kind of contact that occurred at work, but the the physical contact Clay provided. She hadn't been touched a lot in the last couple of years, hadn't even been with anyone sexually since Mic, and god knows, Harm wasn't touching her…

"What is it, Sarah?"

"Huh?"

"Hey, Earth to Sarah!"

Mac hadn't realized she'd been so lost in thought. She wondered how long Clay had been trying to get her attention, feeling bad that the reason she had zoned out was because of an errant thought about Harm. "I'm sorry, Clay. I guess I just zoned out for a bit…"

"I'll say. What were you thinking about just now?" His question was posed casually, but Mac knew then that he suspected she'd been thinking about Harm. How he knew that, she didn't know…or maybe she did, because they probably both knew she thought about Harm. A lot. She didn't want to, but she couldn't seem to stop.

"Oh, nothing really…just wondering when you were going to kiss me again." She gave him a sultry grin, and though she saw the hesitation in Clay's eyes, he still moved in and gave her what she wanted. And she did want it. She wanted more, too…but it seemed too soon.

Didn't it?

They spent the next half hour kissing and touching, with Mac eventually finding herself lying on top of Clay. His hand had been straying downward farther and farther until it finally landed on her six, and he pressed them closer together. She could feel his growing arousal and hers grew with it. Maybe tonight…

Clay was running his other hand under her shirt and up her spine, his fingers stopping at the clasp of her bra, when the phone rang. She should have just ignored it, but the cordless handset was so close to them that she simply reached out for it. "MacKenzie," she answered crisply.

"Oh, hey, Harm…" She rolled herself off of Clay, who sat up, his face a frozen mask, his hair and clothes in disarray. She suspected she looked much the same, and then felt herself blushing in embarrassment, even though Harm would have no way of knowing what she had just been doing.

"Webb's there, isn't he."

"What?"

"I've told you three times now that you left your jacket and cover in my car. I was going to drop them by, but I guess that's not a good idea right now."

"Uh, no…I mean, no, it's fine if you want to bring them buy. Clay and I aren't…"

"Hasn't gone that far yet?"

"Harm, that's really none of your—"

"I know, I know. It's none of my business. The way you were talking about him this past week, though, I would have assumed he'd have moved in by now."

"Harm, I didn't…Harm, just bring my things to JAG, okay? Or, I could…tomorrow…"

"I won't be around tomorrow. Gonna go over and take Little AJ for a little godfather-godson time."

"Oh, they're actually going to let AJ out of their sight?" Mac was surprised by that; she figured Bud and Harriet would practically keep their godson on a leash for the next decade.

"Gee, thanks, Mac. Letting his godfather take him out to the park isn't exactly letting him out of their sight…but if you think I'm not up to the task…"

"Harm, of course you're up to the task. I didn't mean to imply that you weren't, I was just surprised…"

"Well, I guess Little AJ is feeling left out with the new baby, at least that's what Bud told me today, so I thought I'd—"

"Oh, you've talked to them today?"

"Of course, Mac. I wanted to check on them." His tone implied that she obviously wasn't as concerned about AJ as he was.

"That…that's good of you, Harm. I'll just get my things from you on Monday, then, okay?" She was desperate to end this conversation. She could feel Clay's glare boring into her back.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot you were there with Clay." He made it sound like she was doing something utterly illicit and dirty, and she resented that. She had every right to…well, to do whatever she wanted with Clay.

"Okay, thanks, Harm. Bye."

"Yeah, bye, Mac." Then she heard him mumble something that sounded like "the men you pick" and she felt stabbed in the heart.

"Harm, what did you—" But Harm had already hung up on her.

"What was that about?"

Mac realized she was still standing there stupidly, her phone in her slightly trembling hand. Her heart was pounding. She was so angry, so hurt…why couldn't Harm just…just…why couldn't he stop being such an asshole? It wasn't like he'd fought her on her never. It wasn't like he…

"Sarah, dear, let's just forget about Harm and go back to what we were doing. Come back here." Clay patted the spot next to him. "Come back here and I'll make you forget Harmon Rabb ever existed."

Not possible, Clay, she thought to herself, but she sat down with him anyway. His caresses resumed, and before long, they were kissing with a new ardor. What did it matter what Harm thought about her choice in men? Clay loved her. She knew it. And she wanted him to know she knew it. She wanted him to know Harm wasn't a factor in her life anymore.

Before long, they were once again lying on the couch, Clay's body covering hers. He had her top pushed up, exposing her bra, and was now suckling at her lace-covered nipple. Mac moaned and opened her legs to him, and invitation for more, and as Clay ground his erection into her, their clothes started to disappear. When they were finally completely nude, Clay hovered above her, the question in his eyes. Mac nodded and Clay smiled, his hand sliding down to test her wetness before he ever so slowly entered her. It hurt a bit given it had been so long for her, but it felt lovely to. Yes…who cared what Harm thought about her choice in men? She certainly didn't. Clay made her happy, and now he was making her feel good…so good…

She pushed thoughts of Harm out of her mind and wrapped her legs high around Clay's waist, letting him love her.

Mac sat up with a start. Oh my god…had a phone call from Harm actually started her sexual relationship with Webb? Is that why she ended up in bed with him? No, no…she'd made her own choices. She had wanted to be with Webb that night…

But deep down, the thought that Harm had been the catalyst for that night with Webb on the couch still lived, and that was why she found herself once again vomiting into her toilet.

End Chapter 15

A/N2: Oh lord, that was…painful…to write. So, if you need me, I'll be in the bath rocking in the corner under an extremely hot shower.