A/N: A Trust update, obviously:)

Trust

Chapter 16: Sorry's Not Enough

Harm stepped into the bullpen, his eyes immediately going to Mac's office. Her door was shut, but he could see the light was on, so he made the decision to stop by there first before he went to his own. He'd only taken two steps, however, before a hand on his arm stopped him.

"A word, Commander."

"Sir?" Harm turned to face his CO. The man's expression was inscrutable, and Harm wondered what he'd done now.

"Set your things down and meet me in my office in five." The admiral turned away, and with one last look at Mac's office, a now trepidatious Harm did as he was told.

"Have a seat, Commander."

Harm complied and gazed expectantly at his CO, trying to cover his nervousness. It wasn't that he hadn't faced the admiral's wrath before, and it wasn't as if he were really nervous that he had actually done something wrong.

It was that he was sure this was about Mac.

"So…" the admiral said after several moments of silence. "Do you want to tell me why Colonel MacKenzie asked to be removed from the Gellar case?"

"Sir?"

"She came to me early this morning and asked that she be reassigned."

"Sir, we were working on it last night…she never said anything…"

The admiral sat back with a sigh. "What did you do, Harm?"

"Me?! Nothing, sir! As far as I knew, everything was fine when I left her place last night!" Well, perhaps it wasn't fine, but he was failing to see what any of that had to do with their case. "What did she tell you?"

The admiral stood up and walked around his desk, then leaned back against it. "She told me she was still struggling with…everything…and that she just didn't have the focus your client deserved."

"And that made you think it had something to do with me?"

"Honestly, Harm, I don't know. I just know she came in here, looking like the whole world was on her shoulders, and I did something I probably shouldn't have."

"Sir?"

"I reassigned her. I gave her cases that a second-year law student could handle. And she seemed relieved."

Harm leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. Though he'd denied having anything to do with Mac's request, he couldn't help but think he had everything to do with it.

"Hey, Mac. Got a minute?"

"Actually, Harm, I—" Her shoulders slumped. "Yeah. Come in."

Harm stepped into Mac's office and sat in one of her visitors' chairs. He'd avoided her as much as possible throughout the day, not knowing how he should approach the subject of their case, but finally he figured he should probably face it head on. Not being direct certainly hadn't done them any good over the years; maybe it was time for a change.

"Mac…first off, I'm not here to argue with you about being off the case, and I'm not here to change your mind, okay?"

"Okay." Mac pulled her hands from her keyboard and folded them in her lap. She looked wary, guarded, and he was surer than ever that her request had something to do with him. "You want to know why, though."

"Yeah, I do, Mac…because I'm afraid it's because of me."

Her deer-in-the-headlights expression confirmed his suspicions. He did his best to keep his own expression neutral, but underneath, he was hurt. "Okay, Mac…can I ask what I did?"

"Harm…you didn't do…I mean…" She looked down at her desk.

"Mac…please tell me. Tell me so I can apologize or change or do whatever you need me to do."

"Harm, there's nothing you can or need to do. I just need space. I'm a bit overwhelmed by everything right now. I'm just glad the admiral was willing to accommodate my request."

"I think he's worried about you."

At that her eyes flashed. "Why? Did you say something to him?"

"Mac…no…we did speak this morning about you. He was concerned I had something to do with you wanting to be taken off the case. I told him I didn't…but I knew I was telling him a lie. I promise you, though, that everything you and I've discussed over the last several weeks, everything about Webb, his alcohol…all of that…that's just between you and me."

Mac stared at him for long seconds before she finally nodded. "Okay. Thank you, Harm."

"You're welcome. Now, can you tell me what I did?"

Harm watched as Mac dropped her head. He could see the blush creeping up her face and then a thought hit him.

"Mac…is this about last night?" It had been difficult for him to hear about her being intimate with Webb, but if she needed to get that off her chest, he would listen. "Mac?" She was looking anywhere but at him. "It is, isn't it? Mac, I, uh, you…you don't need to be embarrassed."

At that, her eyes flew to his, and he could see the fury in them before she looked away again. "I'm not embarrassed, Harm!" she snapped.

Harm fought the urge to do what "old" Harm did best—walk away in a huff. Instead, he made himself stay there and merely waited for her to speak again. When it became clear she wouldn't, he stood up, speaking cared. "Mac…I, uh, I'm sorry for…many things. I really didn't come here to upset you, and for what it's worth, I'm sorry for whatever I did to prompt you to ask to be taken off our case. I'd love it if you'd reconsider, but I won't pressure you to. I'm going to leave you alone now, but please…please come to me if you need to talk about anything—even if it's to tell me what a jackass I am. I am, you know, a jackass, or at least I have been…and I want to make up for that. And Mac? If you need to talk about We—ah, him, I'll be here for you then too, okay?"

She wouldn't look at him. He waited a few heartbeats for her to acknowledge his words, and when she didn't, he turned away, infinitely more sad than angry. With a soft goodbye, he reached for the door.

"Why would I talk to you about Webb when all you ever did was make me feel cheap for being with him?"

Harm whipped around. "What?"

"I said, why would I talk to you about Webb when all you ever did was make me feel cheap?!" Her voice had risen, and he hoped the closed door was enough to keep the bullpen from clearly hearing her. She apparently wasn't worried about that as she went on. "As much as I hate him now, I still need to acknowledge that he was there for me when you weren't. You wouldn't speak to me for months, and when you did get back, anytime I mentioned Webb, you were there with all your snarky innuendos. I started to bring him up more just to see how far you'd go…and you didn't disappoint. It was a mistake to be with Webb, the biggest mistake of my life, and I will go to my grave regretting everything about that relationship. I probably should talk about him more, but I promise, you are the lastperson I want to talk to about Webb. If it weren't for you—"

Mac suddenly stopped speaking and closed her eyes. She took a deep breath before opening them, and when she did, her eyes were wet with tears. "Just go, Harm."

Harm tried to make himself move, but he found himself frozen in place. He could only gape at her for long seconds until a broken "Maaac" slipped from his lips.

"What?!" she snapped.

"I-I don't want to leave with things like this between us."

"You have to. I'm not giving you a choice."

"No…"

Harm was still in shock over Mac's outburst, and because of that, he didn't notice Mac move until she was right in front of him.

"No, Harm. Go. You were right. I did ask to be removed from the case because of you. The truth is, I can't stand the sight of you." With that, she brushed past him and went out the door, while he stared after her, utterly devastated.

Mac sat in a little bathroom off one of the courtrooms and cried. She couldn't believe what had come out of her mouth. She hoped both Harm and the admiral would just accept her excuse that she was overwhelmed. I wasn't entirely untrue after all, but trust both Admiral Chegwidden and Harm to dig deeper.

Once she'd thrown up all she could last night, she'd gone to bed knowing there was no way she could work with Harm without remembering the phone call that had finally led her to give into Webb. It may have been inevitable for them, but on that particular night, her and Harm's brief conversation was the impetus for embarking on her Ill-fated sexual relationship with Clayton Webb. She didn't want to blame Harm for her own choices, but until she could look at things more objectively, until she could look at Harm and not relive every moment of her time with Webb from their first sexual encounter, to the conception of her baby, to finally telling Webb of his impending fatherhood, she couldn't work with her former best friend. It was too hard right now not to hate him, and she didn't know if she could bear that too.

A few moments later, she dried her tears and left the bathroom. She knew what she had to do.

Harm stepped into his apartment a defeated man. All hope of resuming even a friendship with Mac had crumbled, leaving him utterly bereft. He could still hear her voice telling him she couldn't stand the site of him, and he could still see her walking away from him, her back stiff and straight.

Harm fell into his couch and leaned his head back. He could feel the prickle of tears, but he forced them not to fall. He deserved everything she'd said to him, and he didn't deserve to cry about it. His first thought after she left him in her office was to go after her and try to make things right. He'd stopped himself, though; there was no way on God's green earth that he could ever make things up to her. Instead, he'd gone back to his office, gathered his things, and gone home.

Now restless and anxious, Harm shot off the couch and stalked to his refrigerator. He pulled out a bottle of beer and opened it, but as soon as he took the first swallow, all he could think about was Webb's terrible, damaging addiction. Infuriated with himself for turning to alcohol, Harm drew back his arm and let the bottle fly. It struck the opposite wall and shattered, glass and liquid flying in every direction, and he, ignoring the mess, picked up his wireless phone. He knew what he needed to do. He dialed a familiar but rarely used number, and after three rings, the phone was answered.

"Hello, Admiral? I need a transfer. As soon as possible."

Harm waited for his CO to speak, to yell, but instead all he got was silence.

"Admiral?"

The admiral finally answered with a tired sigh. "Well, get in line, Commander. I just got off the phone with Colonel MacKenzie."

Harm held his breath while he awaited Chegwidden's next words.

"She wants a transfer too."

End Chapter 16