A/N: Yay, another update! But if I want to get anything that I need to get done, I'm going to have to talk a break.

And gee, Harm sounds like such a wank! I always thought he could be such a petty jerk in the show when he didn't get his way, but he was also so lovable…they exaggerated the jerkdom in the later seasons. The writing in those last years was so awful so much of the time. Okay, fine, make him act like an uber jerk, but bring back the sweet honorable man that would be mortified at his behavior. And Mac…lord they treated her terribly! Make her be a bitch but never explore why she lashed out and why Harm was her target. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea! These are deep people! Flawed yet lovely. DPB ran them into the ground. Thank goodness for all the fanfic writers out there!

One thing I've always wondered…how did DJE feel when uttering those lines? Especially the cracks about Mac's alcoholism. I'm sure he was tired of a lot of things by season 9, but I'd like to think he would have at least tried to defend his character if it had been earlier seasons.

Damn writers. They didn't love these two as they should.

Trust

Chapter 18: Time to Talk

Harm closed his door and turned to see Mac wringing her hands as she stood awkwardly in the middle of the room. He wasn't sure if he should offer her something to drink or if he should just keep his mouth shut and wait for her to speak. Moments passed by, moments that seemed to last for eternity, so he finally opened his mouth.

"Mac, would you like—"

"Harm, I need to—"

They both spoke at once and then both chuckled awkwardly.

"Um—"

"Can we sit?" Mac interrupted and Harm nodded. They made their way to his couch and sat on opposite ends of it, Harm stiff and nervous as he waited to hear the reason she'd come here tonight. Awkward seconds passed again, and then suddenly he had a thought that sickened him.

"You're transferring, aren't you? Admiral Chegwidden approved it. Mac, don't—let me. I'll go. I'm going to call him right now." Harm stood up and reached for his phone.

"Harm? What are you talking about?" She looked up at him, those beautiful amber on chocolate eyes of hers wide. "I'm not—I'm not transferring. Stop. Please sit. I need to say this before I lose my nerve."

Harm blinked back at her, then dropped his phone and slowly sank back down on the couch. He was relieved she wasn't transferring, but what if she was going to tell him something even worse? He still nodded and held his breath as he waited for her to tell him what she needed to.

"Harm, I'm sorry. I—" she started, and then she was sobbing into her hands.

Harm watched Mac helplessly from his corner of the couch. In 'happier' times, he'd pull her into his arms and hold her, but what to do now? To his great relief, Mac got herself under control within a minute, though it still tore at him to hear her sniffle.

"Mac," he murmured as he handed her a tissue. "Can I get you some water?" He kept his voice low and did his best to avoid touching her as he gave her the tissue, but it was so hard not to even hold her hand.

"No, I'm all right," she finally answered. "I'm sorry about that."

"Don't worry about it, Mac. Just talk when you're ready, okay?"

She nodded and took a deep breath. "Okay…Harm, I…I came to apologize to you about…about the other day."

"Mac…you don't have to…"

"No, I do. I didn't mean it…I-I really can stand the sight of you, Harm."

"Oh…well, that's good." And it was good, but he was admittedly confused at her change of heart.

"Oh…you're still upset. I-I get it. I'll go. I just wanted to tell you I was sorry." She unfolded herself from the couch and handed him her used tissue, blushing when she realized what she'd just done. "Oh, ick." She quickly snatched it back. "I'm sorry. I'll see you at work."

Mac was fast, he had to give her that. Before he could break out of his stupor, she was halfway across his apartment. Harm jumped up and ran toward her, passing her so he could block the door.

"Mac…Mac, wait. I'm not upset. I was never upset…not at you anyway. Myself, well that's another story but we can talk about that later. First, let's sit back down so you can tell me what you came to say, all right?"

"Okay, Harm. Sure."

Once they were both settled, bottles of juice in their hands that Harm had retrieved from the fridge on his way by. Each took long swallows, and then Harm gazed at her expectantly, waiting for her to speak.

"Um…like I said, Harm. I, uh, I didn't mean what I said. Honestly, I was just angry."

"Why were you angry, Mac?" He could think of many reasons, but he wanted to hear what was on her mind now.

"You remember that night when we worked on that case and We—he—called…and I told you about the couch…and what, uh, happened there?" Her face was flaming red now and he knew that though she'd denied it, she had been embarrassed by what she'd revealed.

"Yeah, I do, Mac."

"Well…he and I…um, we didn't…we didn't sleep together until after we got back from The Hague."

"Okay."

"You always thought we'd gotten together long before that."

That was definitely something he couldn't deny, so he nodded. "I did."

"Well, we weren't!" she snapped but then shook her head. "Sorry, Harm," she whispered.

"Mac, you don't need to be sorry. Go on. Please."

She nodded and fidgeted in her seat for a moment before she spoke again.

"When we got back, after you'd dropped me off, I showered and ordered some food—that Thai place we like—liked. I was happy to be alone. I was still shaken by little AJ's disappearance, and I just wanted to eat and watch a movie and basically zone out. We-Webb showed up shortly after…I had been upset with him about his drinking so being out of the country was a relief. I had been having thoughts about breaking it off…but he…I guess I missed him…so we, well we were kissing…and then you called."

Harm had that sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He suddenly knew how this story was going to end.

"You were nasty again about Webb, and that hurt, Harm," she said, meeting his eyes. He wanted to look away, but he owed her to sit here and take it.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, but she continued her story without acknowledging him.

"I was feeling so low…Webb wanted me; I knew it…so that night we finally…well, you know what we did. Him calling and you mentioning the couch just brought it all back. I remembered how everything happened that night, and I-I threw up again. I got so mad at you, and I remembered how awful I felt after every time you mentioned him. I had to get off that case. I couldn't work with you…and I'm so sorry, Harm."

Harm could only gaze at her in horror. Yes, he knew how this was going to end, but hearing her actually say it…Harm bolted off the couch and jumped the steps that led to his bedroom and bathroom. He fought the heaving of his stomach, not wanting the humiliation of vomiting in front of her, but it seemed he was doomed to show her his weakness anyway. Tears slipped past his cheeks as he thought about what she had just told him. How could he have done all this to her?

It was his fault. He had pushed them together with his wretched behavior, and then done everything he could to make her think she didn't deserve better. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. The hell she'd lived through was a hell he'd given her.

Harm sat in front of his toilet, unable to fight off his dry heaves completely, his breathing ragged as he tried to fight off his tears as well. There was a ringing in his ears that grew louder and louder until he felt her kneel down behind him and call his name.

"Harm…Harm…no…you didn't do this. You didn't." He violently shook his head. "I just wanted to tell you why I acted that way. It's not your fault."

"How can y-you say that, Mac? If I hadn't…oh my god."

"Harm no…it was going to happen…it just happened it was that night. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!" She was now sobbing too, and he couldn't help but flip around and pull her to him.

"Mac…no…don't you ever be sorry about this. About anything. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry!" And then they were sobbing in each other's arms, their words largely incoherent as they cried out their regrets.

"Here you go, Mac." Harm's voice was rough, a product of the tears he'd shed in the last hour. Mac accepted the hot cocoa he'd made for her, and it broke his heart a little again to see her red, puffy eyes.

"Thank you, Harm," she whispered, her voice just as rough as hers.

The two sipped from their mugs, Harm trying to gather his strength to speak again. There was so much he needed to say to her. So much he needed to atone for. A sigh escaped him, and then he felt Mac's eyes on him.

"Harm…please…it was my choice to be in a relationship with him. Yes, you were a part of my decisions, but ultimately it was all me. I got myself in that position. No matter what you said or did or thought about it, I should have realized I didn't owe him anything. I never loved him. I wasn't forced to have sex with him. I wasn't forced to stay with him. It hurts me every day that we created an innocent baby and then both hated him. Well…my counselor is helping me see that I never really hated him. It still hurts so much that I'll never get to hold my baby or see him grow up. I always thought…well, it's stupid…how would I know that early…but I always thought he looked like me in the ultrasound pictures. Stupid, right?"

"Mac, no…it's not stupid. I thought so too."

"You saw a picture?"

"Yeah…when I cleaned up your place. Even if it didn't have your name on it, I'd have known he was yours."

Mac's eyes filled again, but she blinked the tears back. "He was a boy, you know? I had them do testing."

"Oh, Mac. I am so, so sorry. I know…well, I know he would have been beautiful."

Mac gave him a watery smile. "He would have been, wouldn't he? I named him…Aidan. Aidan Matthew."

"I love it, Mac."

"Thank you."

Harm watched her take a few more sips of her cocoa and he followed suit. The time came, however, when he knew they should discuss what happened tonight.

"Mac…I think we should talk more about tonight…or at least what led up to it."

Mac set her mug on his coffee table and nodded. He could see the walls come up a bit as she curled into the corner of his couch, her arms wrapping around her knees, and he hoped he'd still be able to get through them.

"Um…I guess I'll start with that afternoon in your office, after you requested to be taken off the case. You said…you said I made you feel cheap…"

Mac turned her face away from him and mumbled something that he had to ask her to repeat. When she wouldn't, he took a chance and scooted closer to rest his hand on her shoulder. "Mac, look at me. Don't be afraid to say what's on your mind."

"I'm not! No…I am…I don't know how to take this "new" Harm. You've been so…I don't know…nice. Understanding. Caring…"

"And I wasn't those things before?"

"Not to me…not lately. I mean, not before I lost the baby."

"And nearly died."

"Harm, I didn't—"

"You would have if you hadn't gotten to the hospital when you did."

He watched Mac worry her lower lip between her teeth. "Maybe…but I didn't and I'm getting better. Oh, physically, I'm fine now…but mentally…my therapist has been helping a lot. Unfortunately, sometimes that means bringing up painful memories about—"

"Me?"

"Not just you, Harm. And not just Webb."

"Okay…Mac, I know it won't be easy for you to trust me…but lately…after a lot of soul searching, after watching you fade away from all of us, and after talking to my grandmother, my mother, and even Frank, I feel like I've finally grown up. I'm forty years old now; it's about time. I look back and I don't recognize what I became after Singer and Paraguay. I know I was, for lack of a better word, fucked up from my time in the brig and what led up to it. I remember the things I said to you during and after Paraguay…that's not me anymore, and it sickens me that it ever was."

"Harm…I'm sorry I can't…I'm not ready to…oh, I guess I don't know what I'm saying."

"That's okay. I don't expect to earn your trust back overnight. I want to keep trying, though. If you'll let me."

Mac was biting her lip again as he waited for her response. Finally, she nodded with a whispered "I'd like that."

Harm grinned but then his expression grew serious again. "Okay…now…back to your office…you said I made you feel cheap…"

"I didn't mean it," she said quickly, and Harm shook his head.

"Yes, you did. And that's okay. Mac, honey…sorry…Mac, I'm sorrier than I'll ever be able to express that I made you feel that way. A few months ago, I would have told you were crazy for thinking that…but I've spent a lot of time thinking about many things since your miscarriage…I was rude and inappropriate in ways that would have gotten my ass kicked if anyone else heard it. I think at the time I expected you to be kicking my ass. When you didn't…I think deep down it worried me. I kept pushing because of that and, yes, because I was angry at you…and me."

Harm took another risk and rested his hand over hers. "Mac, I am so, so sorry. You are the best friend I've ever had. I lost sight of that for a while, but never again, Mac, never again."

Mac blinked at him a few times then lowered her head to her knees. "I don't know, Harm. So many times…her muffled voice sounded rather bereft and another piece of his heart broke. "It's not that I don't believe you…"

"But it's that you don't believe me?"

"Yeah…my heart and my head are fighting."

Harm squeezed her hand and then let go. He didn't know what he should say to that. Mac still sat with her head resting against her knees which made her look impossibly tiny, and he wished he could just pick her up and set her in his lap. He especially wanted to do that when he noticed her yawn for the third time.

"Mac…you're tired. Why don't you crash here? I'll take the couch."

Mac immediately looked up. "No, I couldn't do that." She actually looked slightly panicked.

"Mac…this is just one friend offering another friend a safe place to stay so she won't get hurt going home. Nothing else. We don't even need to talk…about anything. I promise I won't even mention the weather."

That made Mac smile the tiniest bit, but she still turned him down. "Harm, thanks. I'll be fine. I'll even call when I get home."

"Fair enough, Mac." He knew she was giving him more than he could rightly expect, so though he'd worry about her, he was still happy. He did insist, however, that he walk her to her car, and soon she was settled in the driver's seat of her pretty little corvette. Harm was just about to close her door for her when he had a thought.

"Hey, Mac? Can I write you a letter?"

"What? Why would you…you see me nearly every day."

"I know…but this way I can write down everything I want to say to you and not be rushed and not have it come out stupid, and then you can then read at your leisure, and maybe write me back…sound okay?"

Mac stared at him in consternation, her lip yet again between her teeth.

"Mac?"

"Um, okay, Harm. Yes, you can write me a letter."

Harm flashed his flyboy grin at her. "Great! I'll get it to you soon. Drive carefully, Mac. Goodnight!"

Harm watched her drive away, feeling like smiling and crying all at once. He was relieved she was actually talking to him again, and that was a great start.

Mac unlocked her door and quickly glanced up and down the hall before entering her apartment. She'd changed her locks twice since Webb left out of an abundance of paranoia, but she still half-expected him to show up in her building. Of course, he was CIA, so locks, new or otherwise, wouldn't stop him. She'd made it a habit to search her entire apartment before settling in. At least neither Webb nor his mother had called her after he'd called a couple of weeks ago.

Once she'd checked her apartment, she readied herself for bed. She felt better after her talk with Harm; there was no doubt about that, but she still felt unsettled. The feeling was a bit different than before, and she knew exactly why…she was starting to trust Harm again.

It terrified her.

Meanwhile, just north of Union Station, Harm sat down at his desk and began to write.

My Dear Mac…

End Chapter 18