A/N: I'm kinda meh about this chapter. Seems to short, to boring, but then again, it was a good place to stop and etc, etc…

Trust

Chapter 19: Letter

Mac was sitting in her office when a knock came at her door. Looking up, she saw it was her handsome…partner? Colleague? She didn't know what she should call Harm anymore. She supposed 'friend' was as accurate a description as any.

"Hi, Harm. What can I do for you?"

Harm gave her a softer version of his patented smile. "Nothing. I'm just making a delivery." He stepped into her office handed her an envelope with her name scrawled on it.

"What's this?" she asked, but then she remembered. "Oh, you actually wrote one." Her eyes found his and there was a hint of surprise in them.

"Of course. Now, I'm going to let you be. Read it here or at home, and then, well, I wouldn't be sorry if you wrote me back." He flashed her another grin and left her office before she could say another word. She glanced down at the envelope in her hand, then back up at her door, a small smile forming on her lips.

Mac was able to leave work early which pleased her. She had decided to read her letter from Harm at home, not wanting to risk having any sort of strong emotional response should Harm's missive warrant it. Once she was changed, she sat on her couch and opened the envelope…

My Dear Mac,

It took me a while to decide if I should start this from the beginning of our friendship or here at what I hope is a new beginning. I know we tried that once before, but I'd like to think I'm older and wiser…don't laugh, marine. I'm 99.99% sure it's actually true this time.

Anyway, and I know the suspense is killing you, I've decided to start in the now. I'm sure some of this will be hard both to write and read, so forgive me if anything hurts or angers you.

First let me say that I admire you more than anyone I've ever met. You've overcome so much to be this wonderful, beautiful marine who I hope I still have the privilege to call my best friend.

I know you haven't wanted to talk about the day of your miscarriage, but I need to.

First off, thank you for calling me. Maybe I wasn't your first choice, or maybe I was just the lesser of evils, but thank you. I'm glad I could be there for you. Marine, you scared me more than I can express. Yes, being lost in the Atlantic had its moments, but watching you nearly bleed out in front of me was an experience that still haunts me. I dream about it, and sometimes neither the doctors nor I can save you. On those nights, I have to force myself not to pick up the phone and call you just to hear your voice.

I'm still scared I'm going to lose you, in so many ways, but I haven't been able to let go of you almost dying yet. I probably never will. That fear has probably made me be a nuisance much of the time, and for that I am sorry. Don't expect it to change anytime soon, although please know I won't deliberately dishonor any requests from you for space from me.

Now to get down to the hard stuff…

I've been absolutely miserable ever since I had the inkling that Sergei could be the father of Loren's baby. I can't believe I even entertained the thought that he might have killed her. My guess is that I was still disappointed and sad that he left to go back to Russia. I feel stupid, but I had thoughts that he killed her because I'd made his life here so miserable. I know, I know…that's quite a leap of logic. No one ever said I was logical…in fact, I seem to remember someone telling me I ran on emotion. You were so right, and now one of my biggest regrets is not confiding in you about everything. I've always been awed at your ability to be objective and come up with the "dispassionate" plan. That is not to say that you aren't full of passion. I've seen you mad, I've seen you go all mama bear when it comes to Chloe and our godson, and I've seen you cry. I've seen how caring you are, and I know it's hurt you when someone has accused you of being unemotional or cold. I've heard those comments, and yes, I've made those comments before, when I was so mad and so depressed about the state of our relationship, be it in recent times or after Mic left. But—I'll save Mic and your wedding for another letter.

I said I've been miserable since the Sergei situation and I told you being in the brig fucked me up, and that's the truth. It was a nightmare. I cried more than once. I needed you. I knew by then what a mistake I'd made by not confiding in you and trusting you, and I just really, really wanted you there. It hurt terribly that you didn't try to see me. I know the admiral ordered you to stay away, but I expected you to find a way. I won't lie, Mac. I was hurt and I was angry. I might still be a little angry…but I know that's not fair. From what Bud and Harriet have said-hell, from what Agent Gibbs said, I know you were blindsided by everything involving my part in the Singer situation.

I didn't write all that to make you feel bad. In fact, I feel like an asshole for even writing it down at all, but I just wanted to give you an idea of my state of mind. I'm still a bit fucked up, frankly, and if you can believe it, I'm actually starting my own counseling.

Okay, so I think I'm not going to be able to just work backward. I have to talk about Paraguay before I talk about after, don't I…but I think that's going to have to wait for another letter. Even writing this much has made me a bit emotional, so I will sign off now. I know I didn't get into the real "meaty" issues yet, at least not deeply, but maybe consider this letter an intro.

There are still so many things I need to say to you and things we need to cover, your relationship with Webb and my behavior during it being one of them. I know you don't want to talk about him with me, but I think we need to.

Goodnight, Mac. I probably shouldn't say this, but you are the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Now to sign off. I'll say this in every letter, and if you get sick of it, tough! I need to say it—I'm sorry. Just that—I'm sorry.

Your Friend,

Harm

Mac wiped away the tears that had slipped down her cheeks. Harm was right; he only touched on the 'meaty' stuff, but that still brought up thoughts and feelings she would rather not explore ever again. It seemed easier to compartmentalize things. Yes, she discussed Harm with her counselor but hadn't yet been able to express the depth of their complicated relationship. She also couldn't discuss Paraguay with the therapist given it was all classified. She could, of course, talk about that with Harm…but did she want to let him in like that? The answer was no…or maybe…or…she just didn't know anymore.

Harm seemed to be honestly trying with her, but how long would that last? It was most certainly best not to get too close. She could be friendly with him, they could run together, they could work on cases, but she would no longer go to him with her problems and concerns. Yes, that would be best. Before everything that had happened recently, she hadn't really confided in him in over a year. As for everyone else in the JAG office, they were all friendly with each other, but she hadn't sought out their affections or advice since she had returned from Paraguay. It was best to keep her distance there too.

Still…Mac picked up Harm's letter again. On the surface, his letter seemed liked an excuse to avoid speaking directly to her. It seemed the 'easy' way out. Now, however, she could see the benefits of it…they could get their thoughts out without being impulsive or overly emotional. The reader could take time to digest everything before responding and avoid the misunderstandings that tore at their friendship.

But then again…given her desire to keep her distance did it even matter if the letters were a good or bad idea?

No, it didn't…and that's why she couldn't understand why she gathered up pen and paper and began to write him back.

End Chapter 19