Ch. 3 - Drinks with Friends

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"Now spill." Alisha passed Kara a glass of red wine before settling on her side of the plush couch, twisting her legs up beneath her. Kara leaned back, kicking off her shoes. Alisha and Val's bungalow always felt so relaxing, welcoming in a way that Kara had never managed to achieve at her own place. She had tried decorating, adding some new furniture and bright photographs at Andrea's suggestion, but the house never lost that unlived in feeling.

Kara took a sip. Alisha's taste in wine was usually terrible but this bottle had been an engagement gift from Tom and Sasha, so Kara expected it to be better than average. She was not disappointed. A 2003 Louis Latour, possibly the last one on the planet, the wine had just a hint of berry, rolling smoothly over her tongue. Kara considered whether she should feel guilty that Val was not here to enjoy the bottle with them, but decided it didn't matter. Val was more likely to have a coke anyway, disliking how alcohol mellowed her out, turning her almost into a regular person.

She focused back on Alisha's question. "The first place was terrible, dark and noisy. The second location was fine but the planner was pretty high-strung. I personally wouldn't want to deal with him for the next six months. But you are marrying Val so it's all relative, I guess. Anyway, the third was way too small..."

"Not about the wedding venues," Alisha replied, rolling her eyes for emphasis. "They were all awful. And with you leaving, I'm going to be stuck doing all the planning on my own. Unless Courtney would go with me. After all, she did just go through all of this..."

Alisha trailed off and Kara hid a grin at the speculative look on her friend's face. "I'm sure Courtney would love to help."

"Anyway," Alisha gave Kara a pointed look, "that's not what I was talking about and you know it. So stop avoiding the topic and talk to me. Danny? Engagement? Undercover couple? Ring a bell?"

Kara swirled the wine around her glass, taking a large gulp. A shame really, that she wasn't going to be able to enjoy the excellent vintage. She had known that this conversation was coming, of course. The problem was, seventy-two hours after the plan was hatched and forty-eight hours before the Nathan James left, Kara still had no idea how she felt about any of it. Finally, she sighed. "I wish I knew why he suggested it."

Alisha grinned over her glass. "I can think of two reasons..."

Kara threw up a hand. "Do not say it's because he's in love with me."

"Well..." Alisha laughed, before her tone changed. "Actually, I think the most likely explanation is the opposite. Green might have come up on the straight and narrow, but he's been on Cooper's team for three years now. And Cooper's a spook. They do things differently."

"Like with Cape Town."

"Exactly!" Alisha sat up, arms waving to emphasis the point, forgetting about the wine in her hand until it threatened to spill all over the couch. "Green and Cooper set up some wild scheme where they claimed that they both accidentally rented the same vacation home and then had to stay there together because they had nowhere else to go. Lord knows why anyone bought such a ridiculous story."

Kara took another drink of her wine. "People like Danny. He's charming."

"When he wants to be," Alisha shot back.

xxxxx

"Lieutenants."

The sandy-haired man stepped to the side of the p-way to let Kara and Alisha pass, nodding politely, and Kara tried to place him. One of the SEALs. Green, maybe?

"Thank you, Lieutenant." She turned towards him as they passed, and found herself looking up and up and up. He was tall - taller than Carlton. And big, almost as big as Slattery. Yet Kara didn't feel the need to step back, crowded in the small space. Instead she felt...safe. It was disorienting. Which is the only reason that she paused. Or, at least that's what she told Alisha, and herself, later. "I hope that you and your team are settling in. We're glad to have you on board."

"It's been a while since I was on a destroyer. I'm still getting my sea legs back." Then he smiled, and Kara wasn't sure how she managed to stop herself from stumbling over her own feet. He was handsome before but now, his entire face lit up. "I'm Danny, by the way."

"Kara," she replied, a tad breathlessly, before gesturing to the woman next to her, who was observing them with obvious merriment. "And this is Alisha."

Danny smiled again, and it had the same dazzling effect on Kara as it did the first time. "Looking forward to seeing you in the wardroom."

They were ten feet down the corridor when Alisha leaned over, her laughter spilling out. "Don't look now but he totally just checked out your ass."

xxxxx

"So a cover story," Kara replied, fighting disappointment.

After all, what else would it be?

Alisha shrugged. "No different than you attending with Miller or Jeter, except that Danny will be playing two roles."

God she was idiot.

Danny was practically engaged to another woman. From his perspective, this was no different than going "on vacation" with Sasha or "dating" Azima. It was work. They were professionals. Everyone knew the score. Sure, Danny's history with Kara might make for a bit of awkwardness, but that was a small price to pay for bagging Vargas. Kara should be relieved, happy that they were finally getting back to the place they should never have left - colleagues. And yet...

"Why can't you let him go?" Alisha asked, the question quiet.

Kara's head shot up. "What do you mean?"

"It's been five years. What is so special about this guy?" Alisha held up a hand to stop her when Kara went to speak. "I don't mean the physical stuff. Lord knows that boy is fine and the two of you practically light a fire when you are in the same room there's so much chemistry. But, honestly, Danny was kind of an asshole back then, sweetie."

Unable to let that one go, Kara interjected. "He was going through a lot. He was devastated when Frankie died and then with what happened with Berchem and Smith..."

"We all lost people," Alisha retorted, an edge to her voice. "We were all stuck in a shitty situation. It doesn't mean that you can act however you want and hurt other people in the process."

Kara leaned forward, hand reaching out to touch Alisha's knee. She knew how difficult it was for Alisha to think about those days, the dark time when she found out just who, and what, her mother was. "We don't have to talk about this, Al. I know it brings up a lot of bad memories."

"No, that's the problem. We never talk about what happened back then because of her." Alisha stared into the distance for a few moments, before she seemed to shake off the melancholia that always arose when the topic of Amy Granderson arose. "But this isn't about me. I'm your best friend. If we can't talk about this stuff, who can you talk to?"

Kara sat back, taking another gulp of her wine. "Fair point."

"So talk to me, Kara," Alisha said. "I remember what things were like after Gitmo. How he gave you the cold shoulder and then threw you under the bus, blaming you for everything. But none of that ever shook your faith in him. What is it about Danny that makes him to special?"

xxxxx

She could hear the snickering as she walked past, feel the way Kawalski's eyes lingered, see his smirk as he whispered something to Jackman under his breath. She fought the heat rising in her cheeks. Any reaction, no matter how slight, would only encourage them.

Kara had known that this would happen, of course. It was the reason she resisted in the first place. No matter what the Navy's PR department claimed, the Navy remained 99% male. Being a woman in a man's world, she had to work twice as hard, be five times as dedicated, and avoid even the hint of impropriety. And with what had come out about her and Danny, well, now every man on this ship was picturing her naked, wondering how easily she gave it up. Well, probably not Miller or Jeter - even the idea of Jeter thinking about a fellow sailor naked felt wrong - but pretty much everyone else.

And that wasn't even the worst of it. Oh no, things got even better when the crew figured out that something went wrong that night in Gitmo. It didn't take a brain surgeon, of course, to realize that the timing was off. And they all blamed her. Not the Captain or XO, of course, because they knew what actually happened. But the rank-and-file didn't know that, and logic dictated that Kara was the one at fault. Danny was a SEAL, after all, with nerves of steel. Kara was the rookie who was pulled into the mission simply because she bore a passing resemblance to Doctor Scott and could shoot a gun. Nobody imagined that Danny was the one to slow down the RHIB. Even Barker was watching her more closely, double checking her orders and calculations, and anything she could say to defend herself just sounded like an excuse.

What had she been thinking? How could she have done this to herself?

But Kara knew. She had gambled and lost. A leap of faith. She had trusted Danny, believing that, if their secret was exposed, they would face the outcome together.

Instead, he had let her fall.

xxxxx

Kara swirled her drink, considering the question. What was it about Danny? Was it possible that she was holding onto a fantasy because she didn't want to believe that she almost destroyed her life for a fling? But even as she asked the question, Danny's face in that tent flashed across her mind. Please don't leave me, Kara. Please. I love you. No matter what else might have happened, she knew that those words weren't a lie. That what they had together was real. Forbidden and destructive, perhaps. But real all the same.

"Look, he made mistakes. I know that. But that isn't who he is."

Alisha sighed again. "I like Danny. You know that. I've always liked him. He was good to me even before Baltimore, unlike a lot of the guys. And what he and Carlton did...well, I wouldn't be here without them."

Kara reached over to squeeze Alisha's arm. Anything that Kara had dealt with over the years paled in comparison to what Alisha went through, fighting her way up the ranks as a petite, black, gay woman. And that was before Baltimore. Kara still felt guilty, such a mess herself in those days that she couldn't spare a thought for her closest friend. So instead it was Danny and Carlton who sat with Alisha day after day, not leaving her alone for a minute, until the worst of the depression passed and Alisha finally began to see a glimmer of hope for the future.

Alisha's eyes narrowed on Kara. "But none of that answers my question. Again, what is it about Green that is so special?"

"I don't know." Kara looked up, catching Alisha's surprise. "I don't know what it is about him. I just know that from the moment we met that there was something there that I've never felt for anyone else and ... I can't help but wonder what might have happened if I hadn't...hadn't..."

"I know that you blame yourself for the miscarriage, Kara, but it wasn't your fault." Kara turned her attention to the window, unable to look at her friend, but Alisha wasn't finished. "What you - not Danny, you - went through was terrible. We were in the middle of a pandemic that killed eighty percent of the population. You got dumped by the guy you loved and turned on by people you trusted. And then not only did you have a miscarriage, but you almost died. Sure you made some mistakes. You fell for a guy you shouldn't have fallen for. You broke some rules. But that doesn't mean you deserve to have someone stick a pin in you like a voodoo puppet for the rest of your life."

Despite herself, Kara smiled. "A voodoo puppet?"

"Val," Alisha explained, mouth twisting. "It's her new thing. It's driving me crazy."

"You're the one marrying her," Kara pointed out.

Alisha shrugged. "Look, Kara, you are always the first to forgive other people. You didn't blame me for trusting my mother. You have a list of excuses a mile long for Danny. You intervened with the crew for Doctor Scott after the Arctic. You're even nice to Val."

Kara smiled weakly at the longtime joke. "She reminds me of a stray cat."

"The point is that it's time to stop thinking about everyone else and focus on yourself," Alisha continued. "I get it, with Danny. I really do. It's hard when you can't figure out why. But sometimes there are no answers."

xxxxx

Kara clenched her pillow, trying to drown out the sobs that shook her frame, wondering what the hell was wrong with her. She never lost control like this, but at the moment it was taking every ounce of willpower that Kara had not to start wailing at the top of her lungs.

"You want to talk about it?" Alisha's soft voice rose from the bunk below.

"Sorry." Kara hardly recognized her voice, so scratchy with tears. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"I wasn't sleeping." Alisha paused, and then the bed shifted as she pulled herself onto the top bunk. "I know how you feel."

"What?" Kara asked, not following.

"A couple years back, I got involved with a woman who worked in the same department at the Pentagon." Alisha paused. "It's hard to meet someone, you know? So few people to talk to. Moving bases all the time. Out on deployment. It wasn't officially prohibited, but frowned upon, dating a fellow officer. So we kept it a secret. She was always worried that someone might see us. Then one day somebody did. I'll never forget the look on Joyce's face when she realized that we had been caught."

"What happened?"

"Joyce got scared. She cut me off. And then she went to Command, confessed all. We both got a slap on the wrist for failing to disclose the relationship when it began." Alisha was silent for a few minutes. "I was transferred to Norfolk a few months later and that's where I met Sarah."

"Did you talk to her again?"

"Just once. A year later we ran into each other. We went for a drink and I asked her why she did it. She said that she was scared of being kicked out because of who my mother was."

Kara gasped. "She reported you because she was scared of your mother?"

"Pretty much." Alisha seemed to be mulling over her words. "We like to think that we would never do something like that. That when the cards fall we would stand by the other person, do and say all of the right things, but the truth is that its a hard position to be in. Danny is being a complete dick and I wouldn't blame you at all if you never talk to him again. But..."

"But what?"

Alisha was silent for a long time, so long that Kara was startled when she finally spoke. "For the longest time I kept replaying everything. Wondering if I imagined all those special moments. Thinking that Joyce must not have felt the same way if she could just cut me off like that. But it wasn't about me at all. And what Danny's doing right now? None of it is about you. It's about him trying to figure himself out. Just remember that."

xxxxx

Kara sighed. "You're the only person who ever really got it."

Alisha went to the kitchen to retrieve another bottle of wine. Kara noticed with disappointment that the selection had gone significantly downhill, moving from Louis Latour to two-buck chuck. Kara draining the remainder of her glass, making sure to get every drop.

"I really thought that Stephen might be the guy," Alisha said as she poured. "The two of you seemed to click."

"We did," Kara admitted. Despite Stephen's inflated belief in his own importance, he had been a decent guy. On paper, at least, their relationship had seemed perfect. Their jobs were complimentary, with few conflicts, and their lifestyles were similar. Since they both travelled frequently, there was little conflict over Kara's long hours, and with each of them having various security clearances, neither was bothered by the fact that the other person might not be entirely forthcoming about what was going on at work. Over the nine months that they saw each other, they rarely fought. And, if he did annoy her from time to time, Kara suspected that at least some of those issues could have been fixed had she bothered to talk to Stephen about them.

If she hadn't always treated him as though his position in her life were temporary.

"I'm not saying that he was the right guy," Alisha replied. "But something is holding you back. And I don't want to see you spend your life pinning away for something that just isn't mean to be."

Kara took a deep breath, the admission coming out in a quick breath. "I'm scared."

That clearly wasn't the reaction that Alisha expected. "What?"

"I'm scared of it happening again." Kara closed her eyes, taking another calming breath. "Things with Stephen were going well. He had been hinting about the possibility of getting married. And then he asked me if I wanted kids. All I could think about was losing another baby. I panicked."

"Oh honey!" Alisha moved closer, wrapped her arm around Kara's shoulders. "Of course you're worried about it! Did you talk to him about it?"

Kara thought about the last night with Stephen, telling him that it was over, unable to give him a better explanation than the tried-and-true it's not you, it's me. She shook her head at Alisha. "I couldn't. I never told him about...any of it, actually. I think he might have suspected something about Danny but nothing more than that."

"Well, that just means that he was the wrong person," Alisha asserted, when Kara trailed off. "But the right guy is out there. A guy who you can tell about your past. One who will make you forget all about Danny-dickhead-Green. And you need to keep looking for him. Because you're smart and gorgeous and I'm still pissed off that you're straight because we would totally make a kick-ass couple."

Giggling, Kara leaned her head against Alisha's shoulder. "There are times when I almost feel sorry for Val."

"Speaking of Val," Alisha checked her watch. "Rats. I was supposed to call her twenty minutes ago to fill her in on the venues."

"That's my cue." Kara gathered her belongings, pouring the remains of her two-buck chuck down the sink, and was at the door when she realized something. "You said there were two reasons why Danny might have suggested that he be my escort in Brazil. What was the second?"

Alisha grinned, already dialing. "That's he's still totally head-over-heels in love with you, of course."

Groaning, Kara flipped her the bird. "I hate you."

"The feeling is mutual," Alisha laughed, before she looked up, her voice serious. "Think about what I said, Kara. You deserve to be happy."

"I will."

xxxxx

"Hey."

Kara continued walking. She had just come off a double shift, it was 3:30 in the morning and she had obviously overdone the coffee based on the way her stomach was roiling. Dealing with Danny's shit was not on her to-do list.

"Kara, please."

She hated that he could still get to her. That the mere sound of his voice was enough for her to want to throw her arms around him, despite how angry she was, how hurt. She spun, hands fisting. "What? And keep it short. I don't need any more rumors about when and where I might be available to scratch an inch."

He looked as though she had hit him. Then his eyes narrowed. "Who said that?"

And for some reason she felt ... guilty? Was it possible that he didn't know what was going on? What the guys were saying? What it was like for her on this ship now that their secret was out? Kara shook her head. If only she wasn't so tired, maybe then she could think clearly. "Does it matter?"

"I..." he stopped and they stood there silently. Finally he tried a crooked smile. "I suck at this."

Kara turned to leave. "Yeah, you do."

"No, wait." He raised a hand to brush a strand of hair from her cheek, the simple contact a balm after the weeks of torment. "I'm sorry. I am."

She wanted to believe him. But more than that, she wanted him to prove it. That he loved her. That it wasn't all a lie. That they would make it work, when this was all done and over. To show her, not just tell her, that she mattered to him. But this was not the time. Not the place. "We'll talk later. Okay?"

"Okay." He smiled, clearly relieved, as though suddenly everything was resolved, and she felt another spark of resentment. Perhaps he sensed that because he spoke again. "I'll make it up to you, Kara. I will."

She turned and left without a word.

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Hours later, Kara gave up on sleep, moving to the ridiculously expensive sofa that she refused to replace despite it being both too saggy and too hard, and began flipping through the eight television channels now available. Given that it was the middle of the night, all were playing old sitcoms and Kara settled on an episode on Friends.

The conversation with Alisha had been rough, stirring up old dreams and fears and anguish. But even in the midst of the emotional turmoil, Kara knew that Alisha was right. That her best friend was only telling her truths that she already knew, just could not seem to accept.

The baby, her baby, was gone.

And so was Danny.

The fantasy of them figuring it out and raising a child and having a happily-ever-after was cold and dead. Destroyed by the Red Flu as surely as everything else around them. It was time for Kara to accept reality. To acknowledge that what happened five years ago changed everything, and the woman who walked confidently into that vaccine trial was not the woman who limped out.

Maybe she would never find that spark, that instant connection, with someone again. But there were other things that were just as important. Companionship. Faithfulness. Even love - different, perhaps, but no less real.

Like Andrea and Tex.

Like Tom and Sasha.

Like Alisha and Val.

She wrinkled her nose. Well, perhaps not like Alisha and Val. That would be like dating Jacob Barnes, and there wasn't a chance in hell of that happening. Picking up her phone, she sent a quick text.

So, am I allowed a plus one at the wedding?

Given the hour, she wasn't really expecting an answer but it was immediate.

Absolutely.

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A/N - so this chapter was one of those times when I read over the finished chapter, decided to make a few changes and...several hours later...have a completely different chapter and I had to cut one of my favorite scenes. Waaaahhhh. LOL. In case you were wondering, I absolutely borrowed the plot of Christmas Getaway with Bridget and Travis for that undercover story. It's cute, if one can get over the idea of Danny and Sasha making doe eyes at each other...bahahaha. (Right, Scousedancer!?) Anyway, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for all of the love and support on this story! It's so nice to see so many names that I recognize and realize that there are still many of us who love this show. Until next week! xoxo - tmtcltb