A/N: A Trust Update! Happy New Year everyone!

Trust

Chapter 24: Not a Killer

Harm quickly gathered his things, stuffed a few files in his briefcase, and grabbed his cover. He knew he should ask Admiral Chegwidden permission to secure early, but as the old adage said, sometimes it was better to ask for forgiveness later.

Except, of course, when your CO was right outside your door.

"Going somewhere, Commander?"

Harm stood ramrod straight at attention. "Yes, sir"

"Interview with a witness?"

Harm couldn't lie directly to the man's face. "No, sir."

"I see. Walk with me then, Commander. Bring your things."

"Yes, sir." Oh, great. He's firing me, was Harm's only thought, but he dutifully followed the admiral out. Once they cleared the bullpen, the admiral stopped Harm with a hand on his arm.

"Is Mac okay?"

"Sir?"

"It's an easy question, Harm."

Harm was taken aback by the use of his name rather than his rank, and for a moment he just blinked at his CO. He could tell the older man was growing impatient, so he shrugged his shoulders. "An easy question, yes, but I don't think it has an easy answer."

Admiral Chegwidden nodded and sighed. "I suspected as much. She told me about her injury which you confirmed, but there's something else, isn't there."

"Sir, I—I'm not sure how much I should—how much she'd want—"

"Of course."

The two men stood across from each other in silence for a moment, then they both started to speak at the same time. Harm motioned for the admiral to go first.

"Am I being too lenient with her?"

"I'm not sure what you mean, sir."

"I've still been giving her some of the easier assignments. I haven't sent her out on investigations any further away than Norfolk."

Harm had noticed that, but he'd also noticed that Mac hadn't protested or complained about it. "If it makes you feel better, sir, she hasn't seemed to mind." Of course, had this been two or three years ago, he would probably have had to hold her back before she barged into the admiral's office to find out why.

"I suppose that's what bothers me the most. She doesn't mind it, she hasn't asked if I've been unhappy with her performance, and she's spent more time in her office than she ever has before. Does she get out? Do something non-work related? Does she spend time with you?"

"I-I don't…sir, I'm not sure what I should or shouldn't say. She and I don't spend a lot of time together unless it's work related." Not like before, he added in his head.

"She's not back with that bastard Webb, is she?" The level of distaste in Admiral Chegwidden's voice was not lost on Harm, and Harm surprised himself by answering with his own vehemence.

"No! Absolutely not!" And Harm was pretty sure if he ever saw Clayton Webb coming around Mac again, the spook would leave short of an arm or two.

"Good to hear." The admiral's gaze the focused on a point over Harm's left shoulder. "I didn't even know she was pregnant until…"

Harm gulped. The night he was summoned to the hospital to be by her side as she miscarried was still fresh in his mind and he was sure he'd forever have nightmares about it.

"She should have told me much sooner."

"Yes, sir."

"Did you know?"

"Not until the night she…she…"

"I see."

"Sir, I really should be going, with your permission, of course. She asked for me."

"Of course. And please tell her if she needs anything, all she has to do is ask."

"Will do, sir," he said, though he knew he was lying. If he brought up the admiral, she was sure to think he totally betrayed what little confidence she'd given him.

"Dismissed, Commander."

"Aye, sir."

Harm knocked on Mac's door, once, twice, three times, and when it became clear she wasn't going to answer, he pulled out his emergency key. He stuck it in the lock and when it didn't turn, he remembered with a curse that she'd changed her locks again. She hadn't yet given him the new key; frankly, he was surprised she'd given him the last new key.

Harm knocked on the door again, calling her name as his knocking grew more frantic. He was close to breaking down the door when she finally answered.

Harm took in her puffy, red-rimmed eyes and he knew she'd been crying. He immediately pulled her into his arms, walking her backward until he could close the door behind them.

"Oh, honey," he whispered when she started to cry again, and for several minutes he just held her while her tears soaked his uniform. Eventually, she drew back, though Harm would have been content to hold her forever.

"I'm sorry, Harm," she said, her voice still shaky, and he shook his head.

"Don't be, Mac, but can you tell me what…why…what brought this on?"

Mac withdrew from him completely, then sat down heavily on her couch, rubbing her eyes with obvious exhaustion. Harm knew it wasn't just the exhaustion borne of poor sleep. This went far deeper.

Harm gave her a moment, then sat down next to her, tentatively taking her hand in his. "Talk to me, Mac."

"Harm, I…" She swallowed hard and shook her head.

"It's okay, Mac. You can tell me anything."

"Maybe not this."

"No, I said anything, and I meant it."

Mac pulled her hand away and Harm feared for a moment she was pushing him away, but then she whispered something so quietly, he almost didn't hear her.

"I killed him. I killed Sadik."

Harm's brow furrowed in confusion. She'd told him that before when she'd called him at the office, but he was more concerned about the broken sound of her that he hadn't thought too much of it. After all, he'd always known she'd ended that bastard's life. "I know, Mac."

"No, you don't, Harm. I mean, I killed him."

"I don't see—"

"Harm, I didn't just kill him. I murdered him. In cold blood."

"Oh, Mac…"

Mac abruptly stood up and started pacing in front of him. "I murdered him, Harm. I shot him right between the eyes while he lay there, helpless."

"Okay, Mac," he commented, not knowing what else to say while she continued move back and forth in her agitation. "Okay," he said again, and then she suddenly whirled on him.

"No, not okay, Harm. I'd already shot him in the shoulder. His gun was beside him, but I knew he couldn't fire. I could have stopped then and called Director Kershaw, but instead, I shot him between the eyes."

Harm watched her own eyes lose focus, and he had no doubt she was reliving the last moments of an evil man's life, an evil man who didn't deserve to have such an easy death. "Mac?" he called softly, calling to her again in a louder voice when she didn't acknowledge him. She startled, her eyes darting around until they landed on him.

"I shot him in the head, Harm. I watched his blood splatter on the wall behind him, knowing full well I didn't have to do it, and I wasn't sorry. I'm still not sorry, Harm. I'm glad I did it. But it wasn't a rush, Harm. No matter what he said, it wasn't a rush. I hated it, and I hate that I'm not sorry, but I'm not. I'm not!" She shook her head, her voice now heartbreakingly pained. "He said I liked killing him. He told me he could see it in my eyes that I liked holding a man's life in my hands, that it was a rush to play God like that. He made it sound like the killing aroused me, but it didn't. It killed me, Harm. It killed me knowing what I'd done, knowing I was capable of killing so ruthlessly and not even feel guilty. God, Harm, who am I? Who am I?!"

Mac sank to the floor and curled into a ball, her keening cries breaking his heart. He bolted off her couch and wrapped his body around hers, and when it got too hard to sit on the floor with her, he picked her up and carried her to the couch to hold her on his lap. He rocked her back and forth, whispering calming nonsense into her hair until her sobs quieted into sniffles. It took her nearly an hour before she came back to herself, and when she finally relaxed in his arms, he began to speak.

"Mac, honey, listen to me. You aren't a murderer. Sadik Fahd was an evil, evil man. The world is a better place without him in it, and Webb had no right to say those things to you. If he really knew you at all, he'd have known what all of that would have done to you. The fact that it has affected you like this proves that you are absolutely not a murderer. You are not a cold-blooded killer. You're not, honey. If you were glad, it was because of what he did to you, to Webb. You say you're not sorry, but if you honestly weren't, you wouldn't be carrying this around with you."

"But how could I—how…I mean, Harm! He was down. He was finished!"

"Mac, do you honestly think that? You may have thought he couldn't hurt you anymore, but who says he couldn't? Who says the CIA wouldn't have let him go after interrogating him so he could lead them to other people like him? Who says he couldn't have found a way to kill you? You ended someone who needed to be ended. I just wish…"

"You just wish what, Harm?"

Harm took a deep breath. "I just wish you hadn't been put in that position. That you hadn't been used as bait. I was so scared for you, and I would have taken your place in a heartbeat. You should have been protected after what happened to you in Paraguay, not dangled in front of that son of a bitch."

"But Harm, it had to be me. I was the only one who could draw him out."

"So they said."

"He wanted me, Harm. That's why—"

"That's why Webb let them use you," Harm said bitterly.

"What?"

"Mac, I still have friends in the CIA, Catherine Gale being one of them."

"So?"

"So, I know things…things about how they hoped to catch Sadik using you. Things about Webb telling them to use you." Mac visibly paled.

Harm hated telling her this. He suspected he shouldn't be telling her this, and he wondered if he was telling her this so she'd hate Webb even more. Or maybe he just wanted her to know it wasn't her fault that she was even there.

"He did? Why didn't you…how could you—" She started to push away from him, but he held her fast.

"No, Mac, no. I didn't know until it was all over. Even when I called to check on you that night, I didn't know, but I tell you, Mac. If I had known, I would never have let it happen."

"But you hated me then. Why would you even care?"

"Mac, I've always cared."

Harm eventually convinced Mac to go take a nap after volunteering to cook something and leave it for her for later. She agreed and slid off his lap. Unfortunately, adrenaline had made her forget her injuries and she cried out in pain. Harm had to help her to her bedroom, and once he had her settled in bed, already nearly asleep, he turned to go.

"Harm," she murmured, causing him to turn back to her. "I killed him for you."

Harm's heart dropped to his feet. "Mac?" His mind begged her to say more, but she was now out completely, and a shocked Harm had no choice but to leave her to her rest. As promised, Harm made her dinner, and once he had it stored in the refrigerator, he dug around in her junk drawer for a spare key. He tested it and, finding it was the correct key, he left her apartment, locking the door behind him.

He had much to think about.

The room was dark when Mac awoke. She sensed that Harm was no longer there, and she didn't know if that was a relief or a disappointment. Talking to him had helped, but he'd revealed much to her as well. She was even more furious at Webb, furious at him for requesting her for that goddammed mission, and furious that he hadn't even tried to keep her safe from Sadik. Yes, he'd kept her from being tortured, but after…

A nagging thought made her wonder if he'd wanted to use her to kill Sadik so she'd feel as miserable as he did. The bastard probably had.

She needed to talk to someone about all of this, and not just Harm. He could never be objective, and as her counselor couldn't be privy to anything involving Paraguay and Sadik, that left the admiral. Vowing to speak to him tomorrow, she carefully worked herself out of bed. She was pleased she felt better, the pain more tolerable, and it was a more relaxed Mac that made her way to her kitchen. She wondered what Harm had put together with the contents of her kitchen and was pleasantly surprised he'd put together a simple goulash, complete with real ground beef. Her stomach growled, pleasing her as her appetite had been so up and down of late, and she happily dished some out into a bowl.

Mac was just taking her first bite when a knock came at her door. It could be no one else but Harm, and she actually smiled at the thought of it.

Lulled by a restful slumber and the prospect of good food, she answered the door without checking the peephole.

It was a mistake she'd never make again.

A poshly dressed older woman, her hair perfectly coiffed, stood just outside in the hall.

Mac couldn't move, could barely even think as the woman smiled.

"Hello, dear. May I come in?" And without waiting for an answer, Porter Webb stepped into her apartment.

End Chapter 24