Chapter 12
Elena stands in front of the dark window of the boarding house and watches a 200- year-old vampire version of herself laugh and joke with Damon Salvatore. Her laid-back, fun demeanor perplexes the younger Elena. Not that she doesn't consider herself fun, she just doesn't see how she could ever find a way to forgive Damon for trying to kill her brother. It seems that vampire Elena has moved past the unforgivable act, and human Elena doesn't like it.
She doesn't understand because every time Elena looks at Damon, she's slammed with the overwhelming loss and fear that she felt during the hour that Jeremy was dead. It was like reliving her parent's death all over again, but worse. She relives that moment ever time she sees Damon, and she hates that he made her feel that way. Elena knows that he regrets killing Jeremy, if only because he regrets hurting her. He's been very clear about that. But for a second, Damon wanted to hurt her. He wanted her to feel the same pain he felt at her rejection. He supposedly loves her, but Elena knows that isn't true. Damon doesn't know what real love is; he doesn't know how to love anyone. Because, you don't hurt the ones you love. You protect them. So no, Elena doesn't understand how or why vampire Elena could've forgiven Damon Salvatore. And honestly, she doesn't really care to know.
"A cupcake? Like the ones we were just eating?" Damon says. "No offense, but it sounds like a lame memory to remember."
Vampire Elena watches Damon shrug and take swig of his whiskey. She rolls her eyes and scoffs at his typical guy response. "It doesn't matter whether it's lame or not, it's a memory. And I got it back."
"Because you lost all of your memories to a vampire-compelling Original?"
"I didn't lose them all." Elena flashes a playful smile as she shuffles to the liquor table in front of Damon. "Just intermittent memories between meeting the Salvatore brothers and the beginning of my Sophomore year at Whitmore."
"Ugh, Whitmore?" He sips from his glass of bourbon, but the burn did little to wash the sour taste from his mouth. "Couldn't do any better, huh?"
"Hey," Elena narrows her eyes and snags the glass from his hand. "I had to stay close for Jeremy and my boyfriend."
Damon balks at Elena's high-speed theft of his bourbon, but the teasing smile on her tantalizing lips makes it worthwhile. He'd give her a liquor store worth of bourbon if she'd keep looking at him like that. Better yet, maybe she could get his Elena to do it. Anything's better than the silent, fuming glare human Elena sends him from across the room. Her expression is oddly similar Bonnie's when she made Damon's head explode at the mayor's wake. And the pain from it was almost as bad as the sucker punch that vampire Elena just threw him.
Boyfriend, right. Damon says silently. Of course the Stefan and Elena epic romance would continue into college. High school sweethearts that literally last forever.
But that's to be expected. His Elena has made it clear that it'll always be Stefan. At this point, Damon is okay with that as long as she doesn't spend an eternity glaring and hating him. He glances at human Elena again as a reminder that angry, pissed off, I-hate-Damon Elena is far worse than understanding, forgiving, I-just-want-to-be-friends Elena. He's fully prepared to accept what he can get from the woman of his dreams, and he's surprised to find her no longer glaring at him. Instead, she's biting her lip in contemplation.
"How does that work exactly? Is it gaps in your memory? Do you know when a memory is missing?" Elena asks, and Damon wonders what's on her mind.
Vampire Elena shrugs. "Um, for the most part, I can tell when something isn't right. Not always, though. Like the cupcake memory, I had no idea it was missing. Damon's always brought me cupcakes when I was upset, but I didn't realize I'd forgotten how it started."
Damon lifts his head in surprise. So her earlier suggestion to give Elena a cupcake was from a long-standing tradition between them.
Interesting.
"But I thought compulsion changes things," human Elena says. "Like for Jeremy, when Damon compelled him to forget about Vicky's death. He was different afterwards. He was happier, I guess."
Human Elena steps closer to her counterpart. She feels like she's on the brink of something, and she needs her vampire version to confirm her suspicions. So consumed by her thoughts and agenda, Elena doesn't notice the air humming around them.
Vampire Elena recognizes the tell-tale sign that her younger version has stepped too close. She knows that she should move back and respect the laws of magic, but Elena opts to remain planted. One memory is a fluke, but a second memory is a trend.
"Yes, compulsion changes things. And this was a major compulsion that altered a lot of things in my life at the time. I can't always trust what I remember because many memories I still have are rewired. The 18th birthday I remember was me, Jeremy, and Alaric on the couch watching movies all night. In reality, I spent my birthday here at a giant party that Caroline planned. Alaric spent the night pretending to chaperone and drinking with Damon, while Jeremy was getting high with Matt. At least, that's what I've been told."
Vampire Elena watches her counterpart accept the new information and nod. She's no longer edging closer, but she hasn't noticed the silent vibration in the air either. So vampire Elena slips closer and waves a comforting hand.
"It's okay. It sucked at first, and it was really confusing. But it was almost 200 years ago. I've made new memories since then."
Damon watches the two brunettes interact in his living room. He smirks at the vampire's obvious ploy to slip closer to his Elena. He considers stopping her, but he's curious to see where this lands. Besides, he's learned more about the future in the last hour of conversation than the last 24 hours with Caroline. At first the humming in the air seems as harmless as it did in the kitchen, but when it deepens to crackles, Damon frowns. He glances around the room for signs of danger. His curiosity is definitely not worth endangering either doppelgänger, and his Elena is far less durable than her future version.
Human Elena doesn't notice the magic circling them. It may be due to her less than vampire senses, but mostly it's because she's too lost in her own thoughts. She just found out that in a few years her memories will be drastically altered. Not just wiped out, but rewired into something different. If her memories and experiences define Elena, then who is she without them? Is that why her future version is so happy and carefree? Is she a completely different person?
It's not real, Elena says silently. She remembers a conversation with Damon a few weeks ago. He'd chosen not to compel her when given the chance because he wanted his trust in her to be real. Compulsion would've tainted everything like it's done with future Elena's memories.
"The memories and experiences I have now are important. They've shaped me, helped me fall in love, changed my relationships with family and friends. How can you be okay with losing them? Do you even know what you've lost? Do you even remember why I hate Damon? Is that why you've forgiven him? Because you don't remember how he killed Jeremy?"
In her anger, human Elena closes the remaining space between the two doppelgängers, and the magic around them rumbles. Lightening from the chandelier in the ceiling arcs through the room and strikes the door frame leading into the kitchen. Splitters explode as Damon stumbles back from the blast, and the girls jump in surprise. On his feet, Damon realizes the doppelgängers' proximity to each other is too dangerous. He blurs toward human Elena only to be blasted back by another lightening strike. When he slams into the wall and slips into temporary death, human Elena cries out and covers her mouth in surprise.
"Damon!"
Vampire Elena glances at his crumbled form, but she isn't concerned. Lightening hurts like hell but won't kill a vampire. She grabs the other Elena's arm to stop her from running to Damon's aide, and with a flash of white light, the space around the girls changes. The energy in the air calms and the damage from the lightening disappears to reveal an intact version of the living room. A third Elena walks in from the foyer and looks around as though looking for someone.
A swirling rush of emotion bombards the vampire, and she struggles to understand. The memory unfolds within her mind, and another puzzle piece slips into place.
"I remember this."
"So do I," human Elena says. "It was a few weeks ago, when Damon was still trying to open the tomb. I came to convince him to work with us. To let us help."
"I wanted him to trust me." Vampire Elena shakes her head in confusion, and a bit of frustration slips into her tone. "Why was it so important that he trusted me? I'm missing something important. What is it?"
"I don't know." Human Elena shrugs, but a heavy pit in her stomach and a guilty ache in her heart hints at her lie.
Finding only an empty room, the third Elena rushes into the study to find Damon slipping on his leather jacket. Upon seeing the older Salvatore brother and the offhanded look he sends her, Elena grows anxious and fidgets with her scarf. Can she really convince him to play along?
"I'm going to have to change the locks," he says as he grabs Emily's grimoire off the table. "Did you stage a jailbreak?"
"Stefan," she says with a shrug.
Damon taps his fingers on the table. "Ah, Brother. Ever the white knight."
Vampire Elena smiles as the memory plays out, and she inspects every detail of the experience. She picks up on Damon's masked relief at seeing Elena alive and free. She also notes his not-so-hidden jealousy of Stefan playing the hero. She remembers being kidnapped, Stefan rushing to save her, and then deciding to open the tomb if only to destroy all the vampires inside. She remembers balking at the idea of living with the threat of some old vampire, like Anna and Damon, showing up to unleash the starving vampires. So they decided that working with Damon to open the tomb would kill two birds with one stone.
Elena also remembers Damon threatening to turn her when Stefan refused to hand over the grimoire at the graveyard, but she doesn't remember why Damon seemed so betrayed at finding them with it. She's definitely missing something, and she doesn't like that her younger counterpart lied about it. Damon once told her that he'd agreed to work with Anna to open the tomb when she threatened to hurt Elena. Does that have anything to do with her missing memory? It's probably why Damon seems slightly miffed that his brother saved the girl and not him, even if Damon's main focus is to save Katherine from the tomb.
"I convinced Bonnie to help you," Elena says.
"I doubt that."
Vampire Elena wonders at his angry response. Shouldn't he be ecstatic to have a witch willing to open the tomb? She flashes a questioning look at the other Elena watching the memory play out, but the younger brunette looks away guiltily.
"I'm not going to say that I'm sorry that we got the grimoire without you last night, because I'm not, really."
"Well, at least you're honest."
"I was protecting the people I love, Damon. But so where you, in your own twisted way. And as hard as it is to figure, we're all on the same side, after the same thing."
"Not interested," Damon says, walking toward the door.
"Yes, you are because you were willing to work with us yesterday," Elena says, and he stops to face her with a vindictive quip.
"Fool me once, shame on you."
Vampire Elena cringes at his obvious attempt to hide the pain of her betrayal. The guilt on her human counterpart's face tells Elena that somewhere along the line she'd betrayed Damon's trust, and while the third Elena doesn't yet understand the significance of such an act, the two older doppelgängers do.
"Okay, when we were in Atlanta, why didn't you use your compulsion on me?"
Vampire Elena straightens at the mention of Atlanta. She holds her breath, hoping to catch something, anything, about the fated trip.
Damon slams the grimoire onto a nearby table. "Who's to say I didn't?"
"You didn't," Elena says after a pause. Damon raises an eyebrow at her uncertainty, and she stares at him for a small moment before reaffirming her faith in him.
"I know you didn't. But you could have." She steps closer to Damon, who has his arms crossed as though guarding against her emotional advances. "You and I, we have something. An understanding. And I know that my betrayal hurt you, different from how it is with you and Stefan. But I'm promising you this now. I will help you get Katherine back."
Damon groans at her declaration and rolls his eyes. He isn't stupid. There's a reason he doesn't trust people and last night Elena reminded him why. No apology or pleading for forgiveness is going to convince him to try again. No matter how adorable Elena's brown, doe eyes look right now.
"I wish I could believe you," he says, and to his surprise, Elena removes her vervain necklace and sets it on the table.
"Ask me if I'm lying now."
Vampire Elena watches Damon consider the offer, and she frowns. Her Damon's never mentioned compelling her for the truth. Compelling her to forget him, he's definitely done that a couple of times. But never to tell the truth.
"You know Anna won't stop by the way, no matter what I do," Damon says as he slips closer to Elena.
"Then we'll deal with it." She takes a deep breath, mentally preparing for the compulsion. What if he compels more than just the truth from her? No, Damon wouldn't do that to her. They have an understanding, remember?
Much to Elena's surprise, Damon bends down and picks up the necklace with a shake of his head. He slips it around her neck and explains.
"I didn't compel you in Atlanta because we were having fun. I wanted it to be real. I'm trusting you. Don't make me regret it."
As Damon walks away, vampire Elena smiles, and tears fill her eyes. She closes them to strengthen the dam. For the millionth time over the last two centuries, Elena regrets giving up her memories. She regrets being too weak to handle Damon's death, and now she has a much better appreciate for his anger at her upon his return. If their situations were reversed, could she have forgiven Damon for destroying everything good from their past?
This was the first time Damon had trusted someone in half a century. It was a mile marker in not only their relationship, but Damon's growth as a person. Trusting Elena lead him to trust Stefan, Alaric, and eventually Bonnie. Even the weird relationship he has with Caroline descended from him learning to trust again. And Elena had thrown away this beautiful memory. What else has she lost without even realizing it?
What happened in Atlanta?
When Elena opens her eyes again, the girls are back in the destroyed living room of the boarding house, and Damon lies undead on the ground. Human Elena rushes to check on him. Damon's shirt is a burnt ruin and there are scorch marks on the wooden floor, but his wounds from the strike have already healed.
"He's okay," human Elena says.
"Of course he is." Vampire Elena is glad to still be holding the glass of bourbon she stole from Damon as she sits on one of the large couches. "Lightening strikes aren't any fun, but he'll wake up shortly. Tell me how we betrayed Damon? Why was he so angry in that memory?"
"Why do you care? How have you forgiven him for what he did to Jeremy? Whether you remember or not-"
"I remember," she says, interrupting the human's fit. "I'm a vampire, so my memories that aren't affected by the compulsion are very clear. Finding one memory, a single moment, within two centuries of moments can be difficult. But when I find it, the memory is as clear as day. It's like it happened yesterday."
"But you remember it? Then, how-"
"I remember Damon sitting on my bed and wallowing in pain. Katherine had broken his heart all over again that night, and he came to me for something, anything, that could dull the pain of her betrayal. He shouldn't have. He shouldn't have come to my home and expected me to betray Stefan that way because I loved Stefan. But Damon wasn't thinking about me. He was thinking about himself. He just wanted me to help make the pain go away, but I only made it worse. So he lashed out. He lashed out in typical Damon fashion and hurt me in an unforgivable way. I have no idea how or why I eventually forgave him because I only remember hating him. Until one day during Sophomore year, suddenly everyone was telling me that I didn't hate him. That somehow I had forgiven him for the horrible, awful things he'd done since I'd known him. They tried to remind me of all the good things, but I didn't remember them."
Vampire Elena pauses, and her human version frowns at the explanation. It wasn't enough, so the vampire decides to giver her more. Perspective could do a world of good.
"I do, however, remember Damon killing Jeremy. I remember in vivid detail the sound of his neck breaking and his body falling lifeless to the ground. I remember the pain and horrible loss at being alone. Up until then, it was the worst moment of my life. But I was human, so the emotions stemming from that memory are dull compared to when Katherine killed Jeremy."
"What?! Katherine kills Jeremy? Wha-Why? When?"
"After I turned, Katherine fed him to a 2000-year-old, starving immortal, and he broke Jeremy's neck." Elena takes a long sip from her bourbon. She seems to savor the burn and concentrates on the physical pain to maintain a distance from the emotional pain of her memories. "That time, it took almost a day for the shock to wear off. But when it did…oh, my God."
Tears well up in both girls eyes when the vampire meets the human's gaze. The younger Elena covers her mouth in horror and stumbles backward until she finds a wall to lean against as her future self continues.
"You see, as vampires, all our emotions are amplified. So when I realized Jeremy wasn't coming back, the pain and loss was overwhelming. I couldn't breathe, or think, or function beyond the pain. It was, by far, the worst moment of my life at the time. And it wouldn't pass. I just knew that I as was going to feel that way forever. And I do mean forever. So yes, I remember when Jeremy died. I remember every time he died. But thankfully, I remember every time the ring brought him back. And every time Bonnie brought him back. Until one day, when Jeremy was an old man and surrounded by grand babies and great-grand babies, he died gently in his sleep."
Human Elena smiles and wipes away the tears on her cheek. "Really?"
"Yeah, and it hurt that last time too, but a little less, I think," vampire Elena says with a comforting nod. "I remember when Damon killed my brother, and I don't remember when I eventually forgave him. But I watched my Damon keep Jeremy alive until the ripe old age of eighty-three. He risked his life and, sometimes, the lives of others to save Jeremy countless times. So rest assured, my Damon earned my forgiveness, but I think your Damon still has some work to do."
"How are you so certain that I'll eventually forgive him? Because you did?" Elena says as she eyes Damon's crumbled form on the floor.
"Once Damon's under your skin, he's hard to shake."
Caroline and Stefan barge in through the front door, and both doppelgängers jump.
"We have a problem," Caroline say but pauses when she notices the damage. "What happened here?"
Seeing the mess, Stefan rushes to his girlfriend's side and takes her into his arms. Caroline frowns at the display of affection but bites her tongue. She reminds herself that he isn't her husband.
"Why are you wearing Damon's clothes?" Stefan stares at the future version of his girlfriend with a seriously unhappy frown. He even considers kicking his brother's prone body. "And why is Damon unconscious?"
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